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Subby · 07-18-2012, 08:13 AM

DAY SEVEN

I get home last night from my kids' dive meet and turn on the Nats game at 830pm. Most adults would do a few chores around the house or spend 10 minutes fixing the door frame to their bed room that has been broken for eight years, but fuck it. THAT SHIT WILL STILL BE BROKEN TOMORROW. God forbid I miss any second of the one hundred and sixty-two baseball games that will be played by my favorite team this year.

"Lazy, selfish fucking asshole is no way to go through life, son. Get your shit together and stop being a half man." - God, probably.

So anyway, It's the bottom of the 7th, Nats up 1-0. Game has been absolutely flying. They are up 2-0 and it's 9:30 and I am thinking - awesome - I will be able to be in bed by 10:00pm, no problem. Then creepy tongued Tyler Clippard gives up a fucking three run dong to the Mets and they go up 3-2 going into the bottom of the 9th. The Nats tie it at 3-3 and have the winning run at third but can't close the deal. FUCKING TYLER CLIPPARD

Then my 13 year-old emerges from the basement and look - I can't just miss out on this father son brotastic bonding moment. So we watch the rest of the game together, high five, arm wrestle (I lose - again) and finally I make my way up to bed at 10:35.

FAIL. Kind of....in the past I would have immediately switched to Taxicab Confessions (I NEED TO DO RESEARCH!) on demand and stayed up until midnight. The payoff came this morning when I actually got up at a reasonable time (550a) and had enough energy to ride my bike into work instead of drive. Biking to work good. Driving to work bad. I am usually less of an insufferable cocksucker when I bike to work - a fact which would probably make a killer tag line for TREK.

So, on to #7.

1. No soda.

2. No Starbucks.

3. No Convenience Stores.

4. No ice cream.

5. No eating after 8pm.

6. No staying up late.

7. No cookies.

Here is what is alternately great and horrifying about my relationship with cookies. I am their fucking bitch. If you present a package of Golden Oreos to me, I will eat that package, five at a time, over a period of three hours. I will then feel nauseous, pass out in a calorie enraged slumber, wake up and then do it again (smack addicts have NOTHING on me). If I buy my lunch at work (another issue) I will invariably grab a cookie at the register and add it to my order. I HAVE TO REWARD MYSELF WITH A COOKIE. I DESERVE IT. IT IS HARD TO BE THIS SOFT.

Yesterday I bought a completely reasonable salad - spinach, red onions, mushrooms, cucumbers, croutons, shaved parm, walnuts, cranberries, balsamic dressing. Not a low calorie anorexia special by any means, but at the very least a HALF MAN SALAD. It will fill me up for hours. But that's not enough. Dumbass me has to grab a FUCKING ENORMOUS black and white cookie to top it off, likely adding another 500 calories to my lunch. Good call!

So from now on, the only cookie I will eat will be ones my wife makes. She makes fucking killer chocolate chip cookies and only does it every few months. And even then, I can only have two (NOT TEN).

No cookies and no ice cream and no convenience stores also now make it COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE to buy and snarf down those Toll House ice cream cookie sandwiches which are likely eight billion calories. Those are the best things ever. EVER.

WE ANSWER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS FROM OUR READERS

"If Behind the Music is any guide, Subby will peak in another few days with great progress. Then he won't post for a few days before a picture surfaces with him in front of a convenience store toilet, clock striking midnight with a giant spoon in one hand and an empty half gallon of ice cream in the other. Then he'll see the error of his ways and we'll have a redemption story. Finally, he'll finish up this dynasty, which will not be as popular as before and "fans" will all talk about how he sold out and how he sucks ever since getting out of Ben and Jerry's rehab." - SI

In a very amusing way, you have basically summed up my lifelong efforts at personal improvement. I don't know whether to laugh or set myself on fire.

"Great thread. Briefly thought about it tonight when I got home at 9:00 PM and proceeded to consume about a 1000 calories in 45 seconds. Keep up the good work." - Swaggs

Been there, brother. So. Many. Times.

07-18-2012, 08:13 AM	#40
Subby lolzcat Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: sans pants	DAY SEVEN I get home last night from my kids' dive meet and turn on the Nats game at 830pm. Most adults would do a few chores around the house or spend 10 minutes fixing the door frame to their bed room that has been broken for eight years, but fuck it. THAT SHIT WILL STILL BE BROKEN TOMORROW. God forbid I miss any second of the one hundred and sixty-two baseball games that will be played by my favorite team this year. "Lazy, selfish fucking asshole is no way to go through life, son. Get your shit together and stop being a half man." - God, probably. So anyway, It's the bottom of the 7th, Nats up 1-0. Game has been absolutely flying. They are up 2-0 and it's 9:30 and I am thinking - awesome - I will be able to be in bed by 10:00pm, no problem. Then creepy tongued Tyler Clippard gives up a fucking three run dong to the Mets and they go up 3-2 going into the bottom of the 9th. The Nats tie it at 3-3 and have the winning run at third but can't close the deal. FUCKING TYLER CLIPPARD Then my 13 year-old emerges from the basement and look - I can't just miss out on this father son brotastic bonding moment. So we watch the rest of the game together, high five, arm wrestle (I lose - again) and finally I make my way up to bed at 10:35. FAIL. Kind of....in the past I would have immediately switched to Taxicab Confessions (I NEED TO DO RESEARCH!) on demand and stayed up until midnight. The payoff came this morning when I actually got up at a reasonable time (550a) and had enough energy to ride my bike into work instead of drive. Biking to work good. Driving to work bad. I am usually less of an insufferable cocksucker when I bike to work - a fact which would probably make a killer tag line for TREK. So, on to #7. 1. No soda. 2. No Starbucks. 3. No Convenience Stores. 4. No ice cream. 5. No eating after 8pm. 6. No staying up late. 7. No cookies. Here is what is alternately great and horrifying about my relationship with cookies. I am their fucking bitch. If you present a package of Golden Oreos to me, I will eat that package, five at a time, over a period of three hours. I will then feel nauseous, pass out in a calorie enraged slumber, wake up and then do it again (smack addicts have NOTHING on me). If I buy my lunch at work (another issue) I will invariably grab a cookie at the register and add it to my order. I HAVE TO REWARD MYSELF WITH A COOKIE. I DESERVE IT. IT IS HARD TO BE THIS SOFT. Yesterday I bought a completely reasonable salad - spinach, red onions, mushrooms, cucumbers, croutons, shaved parm, walnuts, cranberries, balsamic dressing. Not a low calorie anorexia special by any means, but at the very least a HALF MAN SALAD. It will fill me up for hours. But that's not enough. Dumbass me has to grab a FUCKING ENORMOUS black and white cookie to top it off, likely adding another 500 calories to my lunch. Good call! So from now on, the only cookie I will eat will be ones my wife makes. She makes fucking killer chocolate chip cookies and only does it every few months. And even then, I can only have two (NOT TEN). No cookies and no ice cream and no convenience stores also now make it COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE to buy and snarf down those Toll House ice cream cookie sandwiches which are likely eight billion calories. Those are the best things ever. EVER. WE ANSWER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS FROM OUR READERS "If Behind the Music is any guide, Subby will peak in another few days with great progress. Then he won't post for a few days before a picture surfaces with him in front of a convenience store toilet, clock striking midnight with a giant spoon in one hand and an empty half gallon of ice cream in the other. Then he'll see the error of his ways and we'll have a redemption story. Finally, he'll finish up this dynasty, which will not be as popular as before and "fans" will all talk about how he sold out and how he sucks ever since getting out of Ben and Jerry's rehab." - SI In a very amusing way, you have basically summed up my lifelong efforts at personal improvement. I don't know whether to laugh or set myself on fire. "Great thread. Briefly thought about it tonight when I got home at 9:00 PM and proceeded to consume about a 1000 calories in 45 seconds. Keep up the good work." - Swaggs Been there, brother. So. Many. Times. __________________ Superman was flying around and saw Wonder Woman getting a tan in the nude on her balcony. Superman said I going to hit that real fast. So he flys down toward Wonder Woman to hit it and their is a loud scream. The Invincible Man scream what just hit me in the ass!!!!! I do shit, I take pictures, I write about it: chrisshue.com Last edited by Subby : 07-18-2012 at 08:17 AM.