[Co-D'ohs]

Originally posted by Godzilla Blitz:


Week 8
We got some press in the school newspaper! Here it is, straight and unedited…

The Observer / October 14, 2002
Are our Fighting Irish Gettin Some?
(South Bend) Not many of them are gettin as much as you may think. Although football players have a reputation for attracting women likes pigs do flies, and our beloved Irish are currently 5-1 and #13 in the nation, only 33 players on the current squad are dipping their sticks on a regular basis. That’s right, in a recent survey of sexual mores on this year’s squad, less than half of the 84 players claimed to have girlfriends.
“I want to, but head coach Blitz keeps us on the field for six hours a day. Then we have to lift weights for six hours after that,” harped senior star running back Lonnie Wolfe. “Look at me! I’ve got ten TD’s in six games, got more yards than a fabric store, been on the cover of ESPN, and I haven’t gotten laid in three months! Hell, I can’t remember the last time I had time to go to a party, forget about score with a chick. On any other campus in the US, I’d have seven girlfriends—one for each day of the week. Here, zilch. Zippo. Nada. Hey, will I need to go to confession for saying this?”
Six hours a day of practice, followed by six hours of weightlifting, plus a full classload sure seems to be a daunting schedule for the players. Something’s gotta give, and apparently women are the things that don’t make the grade here at Notre Dame.
“Free time? What’s that?” asks senior linebacker Butch Landdeck. “I haven’t been on a date for two years now since coach Blitz took over. Did I tell you I used to be the starting QB?”
Burps freshman runningback Brock Gray, the 2001 Rudy Scholarship Winner, “No, I don’t have a girlfriend. Most girls have cooties, anyway, so I don’t want to get sick. But sometimes when I fumble a lot in practice, Coach, um, lets me play with this really nice girl called Candy. She makes me feel happy whee. Reminds me of my sister.”
This lack of physical expression seems to have its consequences, according to trainer Scooper Young. “We see a lot of questionable injuries like severe wrist sprains and stuff like that. Never had ‘em before Blitz took over. Now we get ‘em all the time. Last week, Hugh Lap, that defensive end over there, went home after the Troy State game fine. Came in the next day with a torn thumb ligament. I think the problem is some of the guys are so tired that it takes ‘em a while to, well, hey, you quotin me on this? Damn you, Lap’s gonna bust my head if he knows I said this. Give me that corder.” Sorry, Scooper, the truth must be told.
What does Coach Blitz have to say about this? “Catholic school. No sex allowed unless they are married. No one is married and therefore no sex. There is no problem. My boys are happy. We are winning. I have great plans for them.” Makes sense, but this reporter swears he heard Blitz laughing behind his closed office door as I left after the interview.
But what about the 33 players that do have girlfriends, you ask? Well, even there it seems that the guys might not be getting the cream of the crop when it comes to the women of South Bend. Of the 33 girlfriends, 6 of them have gray hair! And all them seem to have some bizarre skin ailment that gives them light gray skin complexions. “Yeah, well, beggars can’t be choosers,” snorts Horace Coles, a senior defensive end out of Indianapolis. “Although it can be embarrassing to show up at a party in August with a gray-skinned, gray haired woman. I'm only 21, you know.”
“It’s a well known fact that the women of Notre Dame aren’t much to blow you nose about,” comments Ayrish Ayes, local sociologist, “but I would have to agree that the guys seem to be getting the bottom of the crop.”
Furthermore, closer analysis shows that junior RB Keith Hendrick, junior DT Shane Winslett, and senior TE Kent Banks all claim to have a girlfriend named “Celeste”, and report her hair color as “gray”. Well, it doesn’t take a stats major to tell you that something is a bit dubious here. Talk about sloppy seconds! Furthermore, two guys claim a girlfriend named Emmy with blond hair, two more claim a Nicole with red hair, and two more claim a Nedra, another blond. Wow! Talk about gerbils! These gray-skinned Notre Dame women sure have “light butts”, as they say in the orient.
There does appear to be one lucky winner, though. Everyone on the team agrees that senior cornerback R.J. Barker’s woman, Rachel, is the cream of the crop.
“She’s a fox!” whoops junior QB Wendell Goodwin.
“Yowza!” yodels freshman receiver Dusty Roach.
“She’s a cat’s toenail!” gargles senior punter Don Stephens.
Rachel’s secret? Green hair, or course. Drives the boys here in South Bend wild.

Cool, huh? Never got press like that before. Anyway, back to important matters…

Recruiting
No new commitments yet, but all of outstanding scholarship offers have drawn visits. Things are heating up in the Rudy Scholarship race this year, as both Finch and Chapman have decided to try to find their ways to South Bend for a visit. All three candidates are now making the trip after nearly two months of thinking. Who will it be?

Game
Pregame
Sigh. 1-5 Connecticut comes to South Bend this week for what will surely be a butchering. What a wimpy schedule we have. I close my eyes to the slaughter…

The Result
This just gets worse and worse. Notre Dame 59, Connecticut 7. Where to start? We had 662 yards of total offense. Conn had 59. Their one moment of glory came on a kickoff return brought back for a TD. Actually, it could have been worse, but QB Goodwin (23-32, 330 yards, 4 TD’s, 3 int’s) had a spell where he ended three drives by throwing interceptions when deep in Conn territory. It could easily have been 80-7. RB Wolfe had 128 yards and two TD’s on the ground. WR Lonedork caught three TD passes, which gives him 8 on the year. Sigh. Enjoy it while you can guys, it’s not going to last much longer. I will get you yet.

Record 6-1. Rank 12