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Originally Posted by haji1
3. School can be a great help. Many times children with problems behaving at home do very well at school in a different enviroment. Some parents have found it helpful to find out what works for the teachers at school and try to implement variations of the same thing at home. Don't warn your teachers about your son though. That way they will treat him like any other child instead of looking for things which can change how the treat hime, expecting him to be a problem.
4. How often does he interact with his peers. Many times this can help children learn "appropriate" behavior. They see how others act and behave, especially around their (the other children's) parents and can learn what appropriate behavior is in many situations. Sometimes they just don't know any better because they have only been in their own family situation and do not see how other children react in the same situation. Also some times children are better at quelling others misbehavior. "Through a tantrum, I won't play with you. Behave and I will." They can learn that if they misbehave others will not want to be around them and may adjust thier behavior accordingly. They often can let another child know, "That is not nice" or "why are you acting that way" and cause the child to think about it differently rather than a parent telling them they are naughty once again.
5. Lastly, he could very well be seeking attention in the only way he know how. I know this has happened with our daughter. With four children sometimes they can get lost in the shuffle and she would act out just so mom and da would pay attention to her. Is he possibly doing this because he know that when he acts this way he has your full attention and found that this works to get it? Two thing we have done. One is really giving positive attention to positive behavior. At times even overdoing it. Go poopy in the potty, hell let's all go out to dinner. Shared with your brother, lets go to the store and get a treat. Not always, but she at least knows the potential is there. Behave terribly we will correct it, but we do not let it linger. And always the next good thing she does we get very excited over to let her know we are not big meanies and to put the problem behavior behind.
Secondly, we make sure we have one on one time with each of our children at least once a day. It takes a lot of work and planning, but we think it is important. Just dad and John or Jake or Kit time. It has really helped us bond to each of our children more. We get to know each one more personally and it helps them to feel very special for that time. Not just all of us together but me and Kit and nothing else matters. This way they get the individual attention that they crave. They get our full attention. It could be coloring, playing a game, or just running out to get some nails or dropping off some mail.
One thing I thought when I read your post was "been there done that" at various times through our children's lives. Try not to get frustrated, this is a part of raising a child. Just keep fighting the good fight like you have been and trying to solve the problem. I would caution just "giving up" and hoping he grows out of it. The longer things are left to linger, the harder they are to correct in the long run. Deal with it now while he is still finding out who he is and developing the personality he will have for his lifetime.
Each child is different and these are just some thoughts as to what we did. I do think you are doing many of the right things, just hang in there.
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Great post! I think this stuff and Marc's post as well are right on the money. Great advice in there.
I think #5 above is especially helpful. Three months after our daughter was born, our son turned into a devil: throwing stuff, tantrums, yelling inside the house, extremely sensitive and moody. We went through a rebellient bedtime ritual similar to the one Craig described. At first we made the mistake of interacting with the bad behavior and prolonging the correction or punishment, which of course only served to reinforce the behavior. Things got much better when we used quick methods (time outs, ignoring, redirection to positive behavior). We also had to really work to remind ourselves to reinforce the good behavior so that our son relearned that the best way to get interaction with us was to do something good.
I would add to what haj1 and Marc said that it's critical to address your son's bad
behavior in a way that doesn't label him as being a bad
person. Most parents know this, of course, but it still can be hard to do when you see consistently bad behavior. Your kids will fulfill the labels you put on them. All I can remember hearing from my mom about the state of my room when I was a kid was "Why don't you clean up your room? You never clean up your room. Your room is always such a mess." Of course, with statements like that, my room was always a mess. I never had a chance.
"You don't care about others." is a labelling statement. "You didn't show much care for your sister right now." hits the action. "You make me so angry!" is another one that easily works into interactions with kids. "What you did now has made me angry." is much better, and gets at the behavior but not the kid himself. Labelling reduces the potential for change and I believe is one of the most damaging things parents can do to kids. I see high school students who will have to struggle with stuff for years because of the labels their parents have stuck on them during the first 18 years of their lives. Labels make us comfortable because they tend to put order on our environment and personalities, but negative ones can be devastating. Along these lines, I'd be really careful to let your son know that he is loved and accepted but his actions at times are not.
Lastly...damn it, there was one more thing I wanted to add, but now it's gone. I know I'll remember it as soon as I hit the "submit" button.