Quote:
|
Originally Posted by PilotMan
Wow Quick, that situation is so hard. I totally know how connected you get to kids. Life changes as soon as you have one, or in your situation are everything but...
Your relationship with her is extraordinary. Coug is right, every kid should have a parent a devoted and dedicated. FWIW, have you considered actually going through the process of formal adoption for her? That would at least give you some legal right to seeing her, although it would also mean that you would be financially responsible for her until she was of age as well. In your situation it is a step that I wouldn't normally ask about, as you are already separeated from her mom, but it seems that you are so connected to her that your life might be better off if you had something that you could hold on to. Of course, it would throw your thoughts of moving to AUS right out the window.
You really have no legal standing here. If you left her (for AUS) and you didn't see her for years, would she feel like you abandoned her? Would she hold it against you? You may not have any legal stand, but you have put youself into a situation where she now expects you to be the dad. Forever, and any change in that situation may have long lasting effects. It is just something to consider.
Let me know if I can help you, or if you just need someone to talk with.
PM
|
I appreciate the comments.
I take it day to day, for what it's worth.
My feeling is this, I would be on a plane, just getting close to landing in L.A. this time next week. With about an hour in a half on the ground before an 11 hour flight to Brisbane.
I am going to for these next two weeks, forget about my obligations, and figure out if being 15k miles from everyone I know and interact with, will truly be a good idea. I plan on getting a few gifts for friends, a postcard to send to Zia, but I'm going in, avoiding the sadness that sometimes envelopes me here. These next two weeks are something I've wanted for years, and I'm seriously committed to the idea of using that time to find substance that I can root down, or if it's just a wonderful place meant to visit.
Adoption wouldn't be objected by my ex. However, I doubt if the state would find it acceptable (talk about making things more complicated). I have contemplated this, but my ex's lifestyle leads me to concern what child support would really go to. So while I live on a precarious precipice, I do so at my own power, once I invite the government in, I can't bar them until Zia is 18. My ex is just flighty and I'm sure from her past upbring (father was a womanizer, drug user, alcoholic, her mother was quiet and submissive, later when my ex was 8 months pregnant, her mom left to pursue a new relationship in Texas. Since her divorce, her mom has stated if it doesn't work, leave it, which my ex embraced). Long as I participate, I get visitation, I doubt my ex would care if I said I didn't want to Zia anymore (not that I would).
Zia gets full attention when we are together...I'm like a hawk. I think Zia misses that when she's with my ex and her husband, because of course, there is a competition for affection. Zia has a hard time dealing with showing affection to more than one person, if there is more than one in the room, Zia will stay with one. I trump my parents, my mom trumps my dad, my brother gets trumped by everyone but today, she genuinely showed affection and attention to both my parents, and when we got home, she rushed to greet my brother, so perhaps she is understanding she can love more than one person at a time...however, when my ex showed at the door, Zia was not happy, and rushed to the tent to hide, it was somewhat playful but somewhat apprehenisve. She was excited when my ex (though somewhat pushed upon) and I agreed that I would watch her Friday night.
Zia knows I'm coming back. I have calmed her fears that I would stay there. My dad joked about it, and Zia in a very serious tone said "daddy is going to visit, to check it out, then he's coming right back." Would she feel abandoned, I think at this age, yes. But Zia is close to kindergarten, and I'm hoping that with the introduction of school, Zia will become more involved in activities. It's only a matter of time before she learns how to type (with the help of Mommy and Craig) emails, webcams, phonecalls can breach the distance, and the fact that my family lives in the area (and is still utilized by my ex to help watch Zia), I feel there will still be a bond. Zia has said if I go to Australia she wants to come, when I asked what she would do on a plane ride that long, she said matter-of-factly "SLEEP!" My ex even said (when I was interviewing for a Hawaii sales job) that they would visit during the summer (granted it would possibly doubtful) but I don't think it would be a far cry if I plane a few trips back East to coincide with say Summer vacation with my parents down the beach, or mid-January when Zia has her birthday.
I bristle though when I'm called father, my ex said it today, and I just don't like it...I actually correct Zia (gently, never do I say don't call me that), and tell her I'm daddy. Zia has a father, and while he is out of the picture, it is his genes that make part of Zia. I think ultimately, that will be the hardest realization for Zia, that I am something else. It is my hope that she is not saddened by it, that it doesn't turn me into a stranger, I have never outright stated anything about Zia's birth father, but I do sometimes elucidate differences...case in point, Zia's mom is from the British Isles, while I'm Italian. I state the differences, and while I say to Zia that she's from an Irish background, I never say she has Italian relatives. Zia has also inquired as to why I was living in Lansdale, when she and Mommy were up in Hershey. While she has nothing to resemble me in looks, she's got my inquisitiveness and my personality (some of it anyway--she can be a wild child too, much like her mother).
I guess, from all of that, you can see I'm dedicated, as long as Zia would understand, I don't think she would see it as abandonment. My hope is that a few years from now, Zia will be older and more capable of understanding. Plus it's not like my ex is single, she's married, and the possibility of a little brother or sister is probably not far away, Zia may have a stable family unit (I hope)...she'll always have her daddy too.