[Qwikshot]

Originally Posted by PilotMan

Funny story from yesterday. It was naptime at our house and I was dozing at the computer, when my 3 yr old, Zachary, runs in screaming what sounds like, "Dos birds are eating mama's tomatoes!" Shaken awake, I think "birds?" I go take a look and birds becomes boys. We have some tomato plants next to a fence that we have been having a problem with neighborhood boys picking them and either eating them or throwing them into our yard. It is pretty late in the season, so I wasn't overly worried about it, but I did talk to them. Anyway, Mrs. PilotMan was being informed of what took place by Zach and he told her that he yelled at them (from his second floor window), and used the magic words. My wife said, "You said, please?" He replied, "No. I said 'GET OUT OF MOMS GARDEN!'" My wife and I both cracked up. I love this age.

I have a story like that...Zia stays with my mom and dad sometimes. We have a neighbor that fails to curb her dog. So we get droppings in the line of lawn next to the sidewalk. My mom must've been complaining because the woman was walking by with her dog. So my mom and Zia are cleaning the house, when my mom notices it is suddenly quiet (this is a warning sign for most parents). She notices Zia is not in the house, and running around frantically she notices that Zia is outside on the stoop, yelling at the woman to clean up after her dog. Children never pull any punches, even at 3 (though Zia is now four soon to be five). Of course, I lectured my mom on letting her wander off.

Zia is here now, we're spending our last weekend together before I take flight. I can feel that she's excited but apprehensive of my trip. Friday and Saturday were rainy and miserable and I can tell she has a slight cold (those triametic menthol patches work wonders). I get a little angry because my ex was there when I went to pick up Zia, and Zia was in clothes while new, were coated with the aroma of cigarettes and pipesmoke. It's raining and I have a raincoat and umbrella for her, my ex hands her fake fur vest for a coat. Then she rushes off to her car, (she does give Zia a big hug goodbye) but realizes she can't leave for work yet (she forgot her cigarettes).

This trip to Australia should be a catharsis for me. If it is everything I imagined, I will be at a crossroads. I gave up on this dream almost five years ago to date my ex and raise Zia, and it's coming up so fast. I don't know what will happen if I enjoy it, feel I could settle down there, it was one thing when I was alone, but for Zia's sake, I don't know if I can ever live there. It is the great divide between the dream of Australia and the dream of being a parent.

I guess that depresses me the most. I had often dreamed of being a young father (not that 30 is old) but I know that settling down is going to be harder for me as the years progress. My parents were young when they married and had my me and my brother, and I guess I wanted to go through that process. I enjoy being a parent, it is really the only thing I have going for me, is having a wonderful child.

I was reading an article in Men's Health about a guy who married his wife when she had a 3 year old daughter. The dealings of a child that has already bonded to her father, and how the new guy is trying to adjust to being a parent. Now Zia knows me as daddy, and I know she calls Craig "daddy", though she usually differentiates between us as me as "my real daddy". I only wish that Craig would be that compassionate, but I fear that while he does care for Zia, that it is not at the same level. I rarely talk to Craig, but I'm never distance (he's usually who is waiting when I have to pick up Zia).

I can still remember the first time he came to pick Zia up (alone). That did not go terribly well, Zia kept making excuses not to leave, even as I strapped her in the car seat and kissed her goodbye. To hearing her cry and scream as he pulled away, you can really doubt God in a situation like that, or if you aren't religious, doubt life. It rattles you, Zia still hates leaving (sometimes), but more of hiding, or delaying, but there are times when she is genuinely happy to see her mom (we switched work hours now, so my ex picks Zia up on Sunday nights now). Those are the times I am relieved, but it is still heartbreaking, I generally am listless for an hour or two afterwards.

My ex got a new job, and I hope, /hope/ that she will finally set an appointment with the doctor. Zia hasn't been there for a checkup since she was 2. She has yet to visit the dentist. My ex never talks about Zia's future, or escapades when we meet, my ex talks about her life. I kept things civil and I only bring my own life into perspective if it will be a conflict in taking care of Zia (i.e. Australia). My ex naturally has to try to compete, not long after I cemented Australia, she told me that she and Craig were planning a trip to Mexico in the spring. There are other things she talks about too (without getting too crazy) which I deem as inappropriate to discuss with your ex, but never about plans about Zia going to preschool (it's too expensive she says) or even kindergarten. These are issues that are I guess non-issues.

I had asked to raise Zia, to become completely responsible. My ex said she would refuse to give up rights, and that while I could raise her "...Craig and I will take her back in a few years..." I just get a pained expression, I have a decent job with good benefits, a strong central family, a wonderful home (courtesy of my brother), in a good neighborhood and good schools. I'm on dayshift now, and I have the cash to not only put Zia in preschool (at the expense of my own pursuits) but also start saving long term for college. I want to see her in dance class, playing a sport, eating right. I want a good social network for her. I want her to know she is loved. I would never prevent Zia from seeing her mom and Craig, and I find that in this scenario, everyone wins. My ex can be the fun mom with little or no responsibilty, her husband will be financially free of obligation, Zia will get the upbringing she deserves, I get piece of mind.

Sadly, I doubt this will ever occur, but I can dream. I guess like Australia, there is a crossroad here as well. I fear that Zia will lag behind soon, even as I impress upon her reading, 911, addresses and phone numbers. Every other weekend is such a small window. She calls me everyday, and I treasure that, because I fear that one day, the calls will stop, as she gets older, she will finally get those opportunities (because the law will say she has to go to school)...and one day I will have to replace this scenario with the hope that she will turn out right, she will continue to be strong and resilent, she will continue to be joyful and bright. Every morning we awake, she's excited, she gives me a good morning hug and kiss, something I did to her when she was too. I used to work 2nd shift, and sleep a few hours after 12, and be up by 6 or 7 to care for Zia (my ex would be off to school; then work -- my mom would watch Zia while I would go to work, then my ex would pick her up after work -- rinse repeat -- when we broke up I actually started getting her after work for a while as well).

I guess I needed to vent, because she's getting older. When I picked her up Friday, I scooped her with one arm and Zia giggled and told my ex ,"Daddy is so strong" And my ex, agreed, not often she compliments me, or agrees with it...but I'll take it.

My friends say I'm a saint, or I'm tough. They say they could never do what I do but I think anyone would. I saw Zia born and I vowed to never leave her. Even when things got bad, really bad, I never threw her mom out, because of what would happen to Zia. Even today, there are times, when I feel like I'm losing out, or losing touch, but Zia somehow always does something to cast these away.

For that I'm grateful...we just finished carving the pumpkin (this will be the first Halloween where I don't take her out). A coworker said, just keep doing things that she'll remember. I think I do them, so I will cherish them too.