Referencing my last post, there were about 4 people who arrived after the doors were locked and orientation had started. One person arrived 20+ minutes late. No open complaning about the change of venue or late notice. Well done, group! I'm still figuring out how long it takes to get there in rush hour traffic. I arrived 30 minutes early, and sat in my car playing bejewled on my phone until 5 minutes before things were to start. The alternative would be to go inside and talk to people. Shudder.
2/9 - Orientation
Absolutely the most important note from orientation: I like the instructor. That was my biggest source of anxiety going in. I mentioned above being aware of my own biases about some people in these kinds of fields. Logical vs Abstract, etc. Some voice inflections and personality traits I (probably) unfairly attribute to making me feel dismissive of a person or topic initially. No problem with that. The instructor seems very nice, and very straightforward. One of the first things he said was "I encourage everyone to approach this with a healthy skepticism" which put me at ease. He was referencing the fact that there will be lots of things that we will try over the next two months, some may help us, some may not. The goal is to find things that help.
-- There is research being done that involves a couple short in person things (described briefly as 'breath counting tasks'), and an online survey taken once a week throughout the course. I'll be participating. $25 Amazon gift card, oh yeah.
-- The instructor said there were no issues discussing anything that he said/does throughout the course, and of course discussing our own experiences is fine, but to not discuss anything from others in the group. So if my reactions to someone else are relevant, I'll find a way to bring it up, but I'm going to make sure I don't say anything about anyone else in the class that would allow any of them to identify themselves if they somehow ended up here through a google search or something.
Expectations
We didn't go into a lot of detail here. Every class will begin with mindfulness practice of some sort, typically something related to the previous week's "homework". Every class will also end with a specific mindfulness practice. There will be homework every week, basically some sort of task related to mindfulness that we should try to work on for a half hour a day. Materials will be handed out to record our thoughts/reactions/observations to this half hour a day work. If you skip a day, or many days, and don't spend the half hour doing anything related to the class, that's ok, but we should write down the reason(s) why. Was it because of a dislike/distaste for what we are working on, or was it that we were too busy, etc.
Also mentioned is that we are encouraged to ask questions at any time. We are encouraged to discuss with each other our own experiences, both good and bad, with the homework, and to discuss what is working for us and what isn't. There was talk of how the class would pretty much drive itself as everyone got to know each other. THIS. IS. TERRIFYING. One thing I was 100% unsure of would be how much of this work would be private, and how much would be "sharing with the group" type stuff. I'm sure no one will be forced to speak/share if not comfortable, but damn. Ok.
-- The biggest part of anxiety for me is social anxiety. I avoid group situations that aren't highly structured, even when it comes to good friends of mine. If I am not 100% sure who will be there and what we will be doing at nearly all points of an event, I will likely not go, even if the event is something that I would find extremely enjoyable. If there is ANY chance that I may become the focus of attention, I will not go. If that happens unexpectedly for some reason at an event that I thought was safe, I will leave, even if I have to lie or make up a horrible excuse to get out of the situation. The concept of talking to strangers... or even listening to strangers share their own potentially very personal thoughts, is uncomfortable.
The Group
There were about 25 people there tonight. You don't need social anxiety to hate the thing where you go around the room and introduce yourself. We do that. Most people there are older than me, some are recent grads though. Most people there are parents. Most appear to be highly successful.
-- About 5 people are taking the course for the second time.
-- Primary reasons for taking the course: Stress Reduction was the clear #1. The second most common reason is an improvement in sleep quality and to obtain the ability to sleep through the night. Many mentioned mindfulness as something they've learned about but fallen out of practice with. I suspect I know less about this than anyone here.
-- More on my brand of social anxiety. Everyone was sharing a little about themselves. When it was my turn, my exact words: "I grew up here, moved to Atlanta for a time for college. I moved back when my parents got ill and needed help. I am here because my physical therapist recommended this to help with chronic pain. I also would like to learn to manage anxiety better, a major part of that being social anxiety, so I'm going end this as quickly as possible if that's ok."
Whew, ok. We got through that. I meant to mention I was a self employed software developer. Everyone else mentioned their professsion. I forgot once I started talking.
Experiences
Four things happened during orientation, outside of the basic description of things, to which I had a reaction worth noting:
1) Near the opening the instructor said that we were going to be silent for two minutes. He rang a bell and spoke to us for this 2 minute period. He asked us to simply be aware of our bodies, whatever that might mean for each of us. To notice whatever it is that we notice. That any reaction at this time is okay, we should just observe our own reactions. To notice our breathing. To notice if we felt calm or agitated, and just in general to be aware of how we felt. His voice was calm. This is, from my extremely basic (and perhaps very wrong still) understanding, the very beginnings and basics of mindfulness. To be able to just stop yourself, "be in the moment", and to be aware of yourself. To just notice things, and not to analyze or judge them. This is, I assure you, still a very abstract concept to me. The "not analyzing" part is further away from abstract. Its downright foreign.
My reaction: Well, I already know what happens to me in complete and utter silence like this. My mind RACES. Here are the things I remember "noticing" and thinking in a two minute period:
-- My chest is tightening ever so slightly. I'm just breathing, why?
-- Weird, I'm sitting in really shitty posture. Like the second before we started this I was sitting straight up.
-- (when noticing breathing is specifically mentioned): I'm pretty sure my heart rate is over 100 right now. Holy shit.
-- I am extremely uncomfortable. My knee hurts in this position (I am experiencing some knee pain that has persisted since Thanksgiving. Its minor, but nagging).
-- I am extremely uncomfortable. My back is hurting. (Did pull-ups at the gym Saturday. With gym+posture work my upper back has been sore most of the time lately. Not pain, just soreness.)
-- I wish I hadn't worn jeans. Do I need to pee? No, I don't. Just ignore it. (this goes to the chronic pain/pelvic floor issues. I sometimes struggle to distinguish "actual urgency" with "bladder pain". Wearing something tighter around my waist like jeans with a belt makes this sensation constant, though at a very mild level).
And this, folks, is why I'm here. The world stops, for two minutes, and I am immediately aware of everything that isn't perfect. In that two minutes I probably have literally 50 unique thoughts. MIND. RACING. I know this happens to me and its not as big a deal as it sounds. Its shockingly easy to never enter this state. There is stimuli everywhere. There's music or TV or computer on at all times. Or something on my computer screen. When I am ready to sleep I listen to a playlist of relaxing type videos I've put together on youtube.
I'm not distressed by this. I don't freak out. I just know it happens. Its always happened. My head has been like this as far back as I can remember. Absolutely back to say... 4th/5th grade. Probably earlier. Its only frustrating when I WANT to be able to just close my eyes and completely relax. I currently don't have the capacity to do that. I hope to learn it here.
-- I don't know if this is common, at all. Maybe it is. Maybe everyone is like this
Again, I must stress that I am ok. Really.
2) A question was asked about the "day of mindfulness". Oh boy. On a Saturday towards the end of this, is a 6 hour "retreat" (fuck I hate that word). We are told that we will practice all of the different things we've learned and worked on in our homeworks throughout the course. Our class and I believe a few others will be there (OH GOD BIGGER GROUP SETTING OH GOD). Most of this 6 hours will be spent in silence, working on things we've learned (DID YOU READ THE LAST THING ABOUT THE MIND RACING... SIX HOURS REALLY? OH GOD.). Uhhh, I can do this. Right? I'm still ok. I think.
3) Everyone was encouraged to ask questions. I was the only person who mentioned pain management as a reason for being here when we all introduced ourselves. I would like to ask specifically how the things learned in this course are applied to pain management and if the instructor can talk about that. It seems... a bit more abstract than the more direct things like managing stress and anxiety. Unless of course it is by simply managing anxiety that pain becomes easier to manage.
I am too shy. I don't ask my question. I don't need to know this right now. I have another opportunity to ask my question one on one with the instructor as I was one of the last to leave. I would rather not bring attention to myself, or to the fact that I was too shy to ask in front of other people. So I choose to not ask in that setting either.
4) At the end we repeat the thing with the bell and the two minutes of silence and awareness and stuff. I think about the things I've learned about how much of a "group setting" this really is. I think about 6 hours with these people, wondering if its really possible that I will learn so much over the next two months that a "day of mindfulness" could actually be a positive experience. That's a long ways away. I shouldn't worry about that now. I have another 50+ thoughts race through my head, some "in the moment" and just noticing things about myself variety. Others are more distracted and thinking about what I'm going to do when I get home, and about the busy day I have tomorrow.
Homework
We were given a one page handout. It is entitled "The Seven Pillars of Mindfulness Practice". I've skimmed it, but haven't read it closely yet. Our instructions are to read it, and to simply note our reactions to it. Are there things mentioned that we have specific or strong reactions to? Additionally, wait a few days, see if/how your thoughts and reactions change after you have time to sit on it for a little while.
I will read through this handout tomorrow. I'll probably say something about it here. That will likely be all until next Monday.
Whew. Hell of a start. The things I spent the most of this space writing about really occurred over just a couple minutes, but those couple minutes stand out over everything else and really illustrate the types of issues I have with anxiety/obsessive thoughts. Honestly, reading back through this it sounds a little severe. Really what happened is that a couple of these intro things really pointed me right at the things I'm here to learn to manage and control. You have to put yourself into some uncomfortable situations to really improve, right?
Also remember that my intent here is to be brutally and completely honest about this course, my reactions to it, and as we progress the things that I learn and eventually how I am able to apply this still-abstract concept of mindfulness to be able to manage the types of anxiety that came up today.