Holy crap there is an unbelievable amount of stuff to write about here I think this might get split into four posts. Perhaps in future classes some of these things will become routine, or such common themes that I won't feel the need to mention things, or can mention them in passing. For now though, this is gonna be loooooooooong.
Emotional Frame of Mind
I got stuck on this section, its why I didn't have something written up last night. I had a really long writeup here but it just got too long and messy. I've learned very quickly that practicing mindfulness is going to land me in some uncomfortable places at times. Frequently, at least at first. So I feel like I have to say something. I am usually an extremely steady and even person. I'm always doing "pretty good". Sure I'm happier, or upset, or angry in a moment. I have jokingly said to my psychologist a number of times, "well you see I don't have feelings".
This seems to be changing, at least I've felt "more" over the last couple months. Some holiday doldrums, whatever. I tried prozac to see if it would help my anxiety and thus some of my physical issues in January. It went... poorly. Things can get worse before they get better but this was extreme in a way I was not prepared for. Anxiety hit levels i didn't know existed, I had severe depressive thoughts when I have never seriously described myself as "depressed", a totally new thing to me. I continuously had thoughts I recognized were "not mine" and had to fight them. I felt very very self destructive, I almost quit my job, I almost quit physical therapy, I almost gave up on my diet, self destructive things that just aren't me. This was only over a short period of time, 10 days or so, but I believe the experience may prove to be life changing for me.
On the other side of things, realizing that I am actually successfully getting off one of my meds from my urologist led to complete elation, a much bigger high than I usually experience. This makes total sense to me, its not "just" getting off of a medicine. Its one of the first tangible, measurable things I can point to that says "yes, all this self improvement work really can pay off, its not too late for you". I've had my doubts about this at times, so this was pretty cathartic.
And lastly, I have to get a little vague here. I'm having some feelings lately that can be really comforting and pleasing, or pretty god damn painful depending on how I'm seeing things in a moment. Sorry about that, hopefully this is the only place where I veer away from 100% open book.
So the reason this is worth mentioning at all... basically I am, with some frequency recently, experiencing both good and bad feelings that are stronger than I'm used to. Combine that with a purpose of mindfulness being to experience the current moment, as it is, and observe and accept your thoughts/feelings/reactions, I had a feeling going into Monday night's class that things might just be getting really weird, and really intense for me over the next couple months. My intention, again, is full open book, so that means it might get really weird for you, the reader, as well
Get yer popcorn, and/or seatbelt.