Legal Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction using a fan-base provided mod. Wolverine Studios does not officially include real team or player names in the product and assumes no responsibility for what happens to the game or computer as a result of the mod. Plus the usual coincidental no relation to actual people, etc.
It's bad enough when your last name is Gum. It's even worse when your parents, in a fit of insanity brought on by virtue of you being their first (and only, as it would turn out) child decide to get really cute and name you after a product. Thus, my official legal name is yes, Zebra Gum. I'll spare you the endless train of unfunny jokes this has caused all my life. Oh, you're too young to remember the gum I'm talking about? Here's a picture:
In a way, I suppose it wasn't all horrible. I mean, at least people always remember who I am. Sometimes I've even gotten dates just because girls thought a guy with a weird name would be so cool and wacky (Spoiler alert: I was neither. I also got very few second dates.)
I won't bore you with my history. You don't care. All you want to know is why the hell the Washington Wizards, after a confusing offseason that saw them acquire
Austin Rivers and
Dwight Howard to an already dysfunctional team, hired a flipping zebra as the GM. All I can say is *shrug*. At least Gilbert Arenas isn't showing off his gun collection anymore.
There's my picture, in case you're interested. Probably not.
Our first order of business is to figure out where we're going to scout. A quick glance at the international prospects on the radar shows...
Okay, so there's a butt ton of regions we can skip.
If I didn't see an international prospect from that region, no need to have a look.
So our owner is really, really hungry to win even though we've been a mid-tier squad that flames out early in the playoffs, if we even make it at all.
Oh and that $123.7 million player budget? We're over it by about $12 million - largely because of
John Wall,
Bradley Beal,
Otto Porter, and
Ian Mahinmi, the last of whom is somehow making $15 million+ a year to sit on the bench in street clothes and pick his nose.
John Wall? Great
Bradley Beal? Overpaid and I suspect overrated
Otto Porter? Way overpaid
Markieff Morris? It's a bad sign he's considered a starter.
Dwight Howard? Very reasonable flier contract, but he's 33.
I don't care about the bench. You don't either.
First things first - find a damned big man.
Sorry we like our chances of making a run this season and aren't willing to give up a key player without getting someone better in return.
Sorry we like our chances of making a run this season and aren't willing to give up a key player without getting someone better in return.
Sorry we like our chances of making a run this season and aren't willing to give up a key player without getting someone better in return.
Sorry we like our chances of making a run this season and aren't willing to give up a key player without getting someone better in return.
Sorry we like our chances of making a run this season and aren't willing to give up a key player without getting someone better in return.
Sorry we like our chances of making a run this season and aren't willing to give up a key player without getting someone better in return.
Sorry we like our chances of making a run this season and aren't willing to give up a key player without getting someone better in return.
Sorry we like our chances of making a run this season and aren't willing to give up a key player without getting someone better in return.
Hey, Miami, you're not contending for a title any time soon, so get off your damn high and mighty horse.
Phoenix is even being jerky about not wanting to take on Ian's contract even though I'm offering to take 36 year old
Tyson Chandler off their hands and give them a reasonable prospect in
Thomas Bryant.
Finally, however, we locate a deal. Two, in fact.
Memphis Grizzlies receive
Markieff Morris
Thomas Bryant
Washington Wizards receive
JaMychal Green
Jackson Ayorinde's Wizards Take
When you have an owner and a fanbase both deluded with fever dreams that
John Wall is an MVP candidate and the Wizards a contender, you're forced to make moves to be win-now. Green represents a huge upgrade on the boards that was sorely needed and some more defensive toughness. An expiring contract, as everyone is in this trade, so he can be a one shot improvement who goes somewhere else this summer. If Washington was forced to rely on
Dwight Howard for all their rebounding this season, they were going to be in deep trouble. Now they get a hybrid forward who also creates some spacing.
Ayorinde's Grizzlies Take
As much as we've all admired the blue collar Grit N Grind mid-tier team for years, this is the season they drop off. Bryant has some upside to be an okay rotational player, but probably won't see it with the Grizzlies unless they like enough of a look to retain him. The one Morris twin is a 3 forced into being a 4 in Washington. Both will come off the pine for Memphis, so the question is why do this deal? Because it opens up the starting spot at PF for
Jaren Jackson, Jr, the prized rookie who has superstar potential writ large. And that's pretty much it.
Winner: Washington
Fill a huge need, shed a little cap this season? That's winning trading right there. The Wizards still aren't a contender, but they just dramatically improved their playoff prospects with this trade.
Philadelphia 76ers receive
Otto Porter
Jody Meeks
Washington Wizards 2020 2nd round pick
Washington Wizards receive
Robert Covington
Wilson Chandler
Philadelphia 76ers 2019 1st round pick
Philadelphia 76ers 2019 2nd round pick
Philadelphia 76ers 2020 2nd round pick
Ayorinde's Wizards Take
With
John Wall due to jump from $19 million to $37.8 million in salary next year, and with the ownership's demands, it was clear one of Porter or
Bradley Beal needed to find a new home. The Georgetown alum was the obvious choice and he's split into Covington, a 28 year old 3&D player locked up through his prime years at a reasonable contract, and Chandler, a 31 year old $12.8 million expiring contract who fits the rough 3&D outline, though without ball-stealing talent. If you'll notice, the Wizards have made moves to improve their defense and are signaling that Wall/Beal/D12 will be their Big 3 on offense. It's a smart play, and in this case, one that's dramatically improved the team depth. The picks will likely be late, but it's assets accumulation for a possible move later in the season.
Ayorinde's 76ers Take
The City of Brotherly Love has so many picks due to The Process they could afford to send out late value ones for an upgrade to the starting lineup. Porter is just 25 and while he's not worth $26 million and counting the next 3 years, he has a solid all-around skillset that can function in a glue role as the starting 3. The Sixers can also afford that swollen contract -
Jerryd Bayless ($8.5 million) and
J.J. Redick (12.25 million) and some other smaller expirings mean no budgetary issues in Philly.
Winner: Even
This is a good trade for both teams that allows each one to accomplish their goals without giving up the farm. It's nice to see these kinds of deals in the NBA.
After those moves, our cap number down is down to $127 million. So close to breaking even. But I'm not willing to do more until later in the year.
New Starting Lineup
PG John Wall
SG Bradley Beal
SF Robert Covington
PF JaMychal Green
CE Dwight Howard
Ironically, our season opener is at home against Philadelphia... and though I won't do this for every game...
Oh so ugly, but oh so beautiful to curb-stomp those smug bastards after everyone was so high and mighty on them in the preseason run-ups.
Unfortunately, we're then shocked by
Blake Griffin's Pistons the next game by 6, as
John Wall's icy streak to start the year continues - 3 of 13, 1 of 7 from behind the arc. Foul trouble costs us in our first road game, dropping an 8 point decision in Denver. Screw that 40-24 home cooking FTA disparity.
LeBron does LeBron things to us in LA as we're smoked by 20, and of course we're not in the Warriors' class. Yet another loss, as we can't make anything in Sacramento of all places.
It tallies up to a 1-5 October - 5 straight losses after that initial sweet win. My only consolation is that Philadelphia struggled relative to expectations - they went 3-4 the first month.