[PilotMan]

Boy, that sounds really hard. It's such a tough spot to be in. He's so young, and you guys have been working so hard with him. Is his behavior affecting his pecking order among the other players on the team? Are they getting frustrated with him? How did he respond to the coach giving him tough love? Did he feel like he was being singled out and 'punished'?

I get the feeling that you guys are right up against the wall here. I think you're right on the money that you're at that point where he either breaks through or moves on. I know that a perfectionist would rather run through a wall than admit any sort of failure, especially if they feel like they have a lot to lose from it. Whether it's from the label that he gets from the rest of the team, the coach, his parents, or the things he tells himself inside, those things all feel very personal to him and the fear of that, the fear of failing is such a strong drive to keep going, but it also holds him back too. I think that for perfectionists, it's a good thing to fail this way. It forces you to process what happened, and how you felt as you go through that acceptance, and as time goes on, you process the feelings that you have after the fact. Learn to accept that it's better to fail when it's just not meant to be, and to move on, and grow, rather than to continue to beat yourself up outside and inside and tell yourself that you're too good to fail. That sort of 'too good to fail' mentality can spill out as a teen and adult. As a teen you see kids that keep secrets, harm themselves, drink, or simply hang around with kids who allow them to feel like they are good enough to be around, and who give them outlets that are far from the 'perfectionist' image. As a grown up, you see adults that find bad relationships and allow people to drag them into bad situations where they don't allow themselves to leave from because they can't admit that they can't fix it, or that they are somehow responsible for the relationship, and if it's bad, they need to try harder.

And I'll tell you again, I come at this from all sides, I've been in that situation, I've done the therapy in college (and beyond) to deal with the scars I drug myself through growing up, and I've dealt with it as a parent of my own son, and as someone with a background in Psych. I am sure that you and your wife are really reaching the end of your rope. You guys have been so patient and loving through all this and have tried to give him every opportunity to succeed. I'm just not sure that he's developed enough to be able to work his way out of this, or you'd have seen more progress by now and I'm not sure that he feels like he can work any harder. It's ok to tell him that it's ok to walk away, and I'm sure you have. You can paint a picture of life for him that doesn't include baseball and you can show him that life will go on, and he can still enjoy baseball even if he's not out there playing it. Saying and talking about those things give him alternatives to think about and give him an alternative narrative inside that he can use to accept alternative outcomes and he can give himself permission to move on to do other things and for a perfectionist, that allowing, giving the self permission, is critical to growth and healing.