[Izulde]

So I didn't apply to any of the schools or the programs. Despite the intermittent urge to go forth with a PhD, last semester and this one have taught me that I have no real interest in teaching long-term (if you'll pardon the pun).

Last semester devolved into a series of nightly panic attacks, as I struggled to find the motivation and energy to keep teaching, and had a rough time transitioning from two sections plus my own schoolwork to a full-time four section load (at poverty-level adjunct wages, of course!). I was isolated to the point where my life consisted of get up in the afternoon, walk to school, teach, walk back home, and spend all night/morning shut-in, going through a grading grind. Every.single.day. was like that. I can't even remember if I saw anyone outside of my students last semester other than maybe once in Las Vegas. I did, however, go to San Diego for a weekend and had a trip to Orlando with the BFF, which were the only two things that kept me from going completely breaking down. In fact, the two nights I slept on the couch in San Diego and the nights in Orlando were the only times all semester that I didn't go into massive panic attacks.

Needless to say, my end-semester evals, while not terrible, were the worst I'd ever had at that particular school.

Fast forward to this January. As most of you already know, I was without income for a few months and job-hunting, weighing all of my options. If I'd had the money on hand, I would have left for San Diego then and not looked back, the cost and job hunt be damned. As it was, I seriously considered moving back to Wisconsin to help my parents out (my mom's on the liver transplant list and has been for months now - probably getting close to a year), but resolved to try and hang on.

In that job hunt, I had that behavioral interview with the company I would have LOVED working for in a really awesome job, and it would have meant double my adjunct salary. I thought I did well with the interview but they went another direction.

In sheer desperation, I even tried applying to a retail store, but I knew I didn't get that when the description said "Be prepared for an interview when you bring your resume", and the sales girl said "Are you from the company?" and the guy who was the store manager said "I'll take this and give it to my hiring guy" and I thought to myself, "...Why the hell would you say on the job description to be ready for interview and then blow me off like that?" So yeah. Clear I wasn't getting it, which was fine.

Put out more interviews, and then I get contacted to take on classes at a community college due to a unfortunate set of circumstances. I accepted, of course, thinking a new location would give me a fresh start and a new burst of enthusiasm. It helped even more that I was highly recommended by the Composition Director at the place I adjuncted at in the fall despite my mediocre ratings.

Long story short, the difference between the semesters has been dramatic. Although the pay is less, I have a lot more freedom in terms of my curriculum and I get the sense that the department really likes me. Do I still have panic attacks at night? Yeah, with some regularity, but it's not every.damn.night. like before, so I suspect a lot of the ones in the fall were due to stress at the old adjunct position.

That said I don't have the passion for teaching that I should. There are moments that I enjoy it, and I'm damned good at it, but it's draining. Remember how I said I was dusting off my manuscript and revising one or two stories earlier? Said revision attempts got nowhere. Teaching and dealing with student writing on a full-time basis has completely destroyed my writing mojo, reducing me to angry, expletive-laden FM dynasties and the now and again DDS sim league article - and even there the writing has gotten paint by numbers rather than anything creative.

I *have* applied to a graduate program, but I'm still waiting to hear whether or not I got in, and if an assistantship is waiting for me if I did get in. If the answer to both is yes, it will be a radically different career path than anything else I've considered before, which is precisely what I need to snap out of this mental, emotional, and social rut I'm in, I think.

I'm still far too reclusive, but seeing one of my fraternity brothers and BYU 14 and his wife when they came into town a few days apart was a wonderful tonic, and it's impressed on me even more that I need to move somewhere where I actually have good friends.

Otherwise I see myself falling into complacency and before I know it, another 15-20 years has gone by and I've gone from mid-30s with still a spark of hope for a future worth having to an early 50 something who has seen life completely pass him by, with an end game too awful to contemplate.