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Week 1 Saturday Homework
Mindful Eating "Chia Pudding", a low carb dessert-y thing i make daily to get some fiber. 8 oz almond milk, 2 tbsp heavy cream, 1/4 cup chia seeds (this is a LOT of fiber if you're already eating whole grains or whatever, but I eat no grains and get almost no fiber from other sources). Small bit of cocoa powder, sugar free torani caramel syrup, vanilla extract, and 2 stevia packets. mix up, put in fridge for 2 hours. The chia seeds absorb a lot of the almond milk and it gets a little thicker. If I have some extra calories available I will melt a spoonful of peanut butter in the microwave and stir it in as well.
Enough with the recipes. Tonight I add peanut butter. The pudding looks... not good? It looks like a seedy mush. I am able to smell the peanut butter. I HAD A SMELL GUYZ (peanut butter has always been a surprisingly strong smell to me even as I am able to detect so few other things). The texture of the pudding in my mouth is pretty unique. The peanut butter doesn't mix in well and stands out and is a little sticky. The chia seeds feel strange just sitting there being observed by me. Chia seeds are tiny and this isn't really a thing you chew, so I just swallow. When I eat this with peanut butter the peanut butter flavor overwhelms everything else in it, as is the case tonight. It tastes like a peanut butter pudding. I cannot detect the cocoa or caramel flavors in this moment.
Routine Activity - This was last night, the night that I skipped the body scan because I had a lot of negative things on my mind. That stuff hasn't gone anywhere by the time I go to bed, so avoiding the laptop and the rest of the routine to focus here does lead my thoughts to some places I am not thrilled to be. I do focus on Dean, and find his purr and presence very comforting. I find myself reflecting again to when I was married, to a period where the marriage was clearly over but no one had said anything yet, both of us very unhappy (and I guess just waiting for the other to finally bring it up and call it). There were countless days during that time where Dean reliably coming to find me as soon as I went to bed was the best part of the day. So I finding myself doing a mix of looking at the present and reflecting on some past nostalgia at the same time.
Body Scan - So I skipped this yesterday and did it very early today, before I really started my day. I'm feeling ok and looking forward to my weekend, but this process is just a bit different. The act of turning everything off and focusing on myself reminds me that yesterday's anxiety isn't exactly gone yet. Throughout this process I found that my breathing was not steady, not a point of comfort. I have a nervous tic where I kind of click my throat audibly (and sometimes I do it even when I'm not "nervous"). I find myself doing it constantly during this process today. My knee hurts pretty bad this morning, and I find that I am constantly shifting trying to find a position where my knee doesn't feel any strain. I never find one, even with a couple pillows for proper support. I do move my thoughts around to various body parts along the way, but the distractions are there the entire time, from start to finish.
Now, the body scan isn't about relaxation, specifically stated in the handouts we were given. It is about observing whatever comes, and all of the other pillars, including accepting whatever comes whether good or bad. For most of this 25 minute period, I do maintain this mindset. Ok, this doesn't feel great, but I'm just seeing what happens, I'm not going to try to force unpleasant thoughts away right now if those are the thoughts that are going to continue to the forefront during this. I'm trying to make my knee comfortable, but if that's not possible, I'm not getting mad about it, its just the way it is this morning. Towards the end, the last 5 minutes or so, that does degrade a little and I actively want this process to be over with, but I don't stop short, or turn off the CD early, I allow it to finish. I know that it may not necessarily be ideal to judge these experiences too much, that there's no right or wrong with them, but I do feel a sense of accomplishment here for allowing this experience to happen, and for not trying to drown out thoughts I may not really like all that much. I dunno.
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