[Radii]

Post Class Survey

Since I still have the bonus week of class left I'm still waiting to do an organized "closure" to this dynasty. But the research survey goes out here since this is the official end of the program, so there will be a lot of talk about what I have noticed changing over the last couple months.

I'm not reading anything I wrote in the pre-class survey before answering. But I have quoted my post where I did go through the survey questions that seemed most relevant to me and will be making some notes on my answers.

Quotes are from pre-class, my comments on any changes below.

I perceive my feelings and emotions without having to react to them - Never. I analyze everything.

New answer: Sometimes. I still get to analyze everything if I want, and believe me, I still do with many things. However, I have a new perspective here, and I do choose to use it with some frequency. Sometimes I am really able to allow myself to see my thoughts as just thoughts, and I can let them go by without having to go into crazy analytical mode, even in moments in the real world (ie. not in a formal meditation practice). Some things just aren't worth overthinking.

I tell myself I shouldn't be feeling the way I'm feeling - Often. The result of analyzing everything

New Answer: Never/Rarely. This is BY FAR the biggest immediate change I have noticed from taking this class. There is such a huge emphasis on the idea of being non-judgemental, on simply observing your thoughts and feelings during mindfulness practices. I spend time almost every day meditating - practicing. During this process, distractions are removed, and if I'm feeling bad, there's a good chance thoughts about it are gonna come. But I'm good at "following the rules" in meditation. The focus is on the breath. Notice the thought or feeling, do not judge it. Allow it to pass. Its not always easy, but I usually do this well.

So this seems to allow two different things to happen. One is that shitty feelings or thoughts that I might beat myself up for frequently get "dealt with" in meditation. I know they're lurking around. They won't sneak up on me. Also, there's a reason all these things are "practices". You practice them in formal mediation, and eventually, some of the ideas naturally carry over to the real world.

Also, so much of the "science talk" in class involves the unconscious mind and how powerful it is. Having this understanding when I have some thought or feeling that I "wish I didn't have" allows me to sometimes just say "well, this is happening, I probably can't stop it from happening, but at least I can avoid making it worse by adding another layer of stress by beating myself up for it".

When I'm walking, I deliberately notice the sensations of my body moving - Never.

Now: Occasionally - This "body awareness" thing is going to take time. But I'm starting to learn what I'm looking for, slowly.

When I have distressing thoughts or images I am able to just notice them without reacting - There are a number of questions similar to this. There is a clear aim of being able to observe, going back to that phrase "non judgemental". I answer in the extreme negative to all of these types of questions. I am measured. I don't have anger issues. But I do stop, and analyze the distressing thought, and actively decide what to do about it.

Now: Different answers to different questions. None of them get answered in the "extreme negative" anymore. There aren't huge changes here, but an uptick from "never" to "rarely" or "sometimes" (from 0/5 to 1 or 2/5). My measured, analytical mind is still the dominant force in my life. I've trusted it for a very, very long time. I still do. But, I've bought into the idea that many of my thoughts are just thoughts, one of those vague, random things that comes up in class over and over and eventually starts to make sense. So, sometimes I have a "distressing thought" and realize that its honestly just a thought that passed through my head that I can't do shit about. Now, if its stress about a situation, analytics are likely to take over, and I'm good with that. If its just some random bad thought/memory/whatever, or something I have no control over... and we don't have to be talking about something deeply distressing. Just minor stress is enough, there I notice an ability developing to let it go and not get wrapped up in it.

I think some of my emotions are bad or inappropriate and I shouldn't feel them. - There are a lot of questions like this. I answer slightly in the negative. I definitely have times where I say "I wish I didn't have that thought run through my head." I fuss at myself when I get "stuck" on a topic. Again, /shurg.

I find it hilarious to have /shrugged at this statement in the past. My answer has gone from slightly negative to slightly positive. But my perception of this has changed a lot. Having negative emotions is a stress in life. And again, we don't have to be talking about deep, dark things here. Little things add up. Adding judgement of what I'm thinking about, fussing at myself for letting my racing mind get stuck on a topic, these things actively generate additional stress for no reason. I'm much more calm about the things I don't like about myself, a nervous tic, the racing mind, noticing my thoughts wander from topic to topic aimlessly. These things still happen CONSTANTLY. Using mindfulness, I've learned to take pauses that sometimes slow these things down momentarily at times -- but only sometimes... sometimes my brain isn't going to slow down no matter what. The difference in beating myself up and wishing it wasn't that way vs noticing what's happening and accepting it is simply massive.

Lots of questions about being kind to yourself when you are suffering or being kind to yourself when you fail. In all cases I answer in the the extreme negative. I'm hard on myself. I expect myself to be good at things, and to succeed at anything I try. I frequently do not even consider this a flaw, if I'm honest. But I do recognize that I take it too far, my personality is too "all or nothing", etc.

Being kind during suffering vs being kind during failure are now separate ideas. If I feel like something isn't going my way, or if I'm hurting a bit... ok, no more exteme negative there, no more fussing at myself, there's a big change in my answers to those questions.

Now, if I fail at something, the analytical mind remains in power in the extreme there. Though I will say there is a better focus on "what can I do better next time" and a little less of the "way to go, dumbass".

In every other survey topic I've talked about here, I can describe having new options, or having a different perception available to me. In this one area, "failing at something", big or small, a game or a task at work, whatever, my view is the same. I'm competitive. I want to be right, I want to win, I want to get things done. If I don't, I don't want to accept that any more than I have to. I want to figure out what to do better next time, to figure out what went wrong this time. I still think this is, in every case I can think of, a good thing.


Those are the things I brought up when I answered the same questions before the class started. Interesting to see what's changed. Again, there will be a more organized set of thoughts on exactly what I feel i've gotten out of this class next week, this is a decent preview of some things I've been thinking about when i think about completing this course and this dynasty.