Dear John Letter

[panerd]

The other night I was caught completely off guard by a George Coztanza like pre-emptive break-up. Basically I have been dating a woman for a while and I have been fucked over multiple times and I kept putting up with it. Well the other night she tells me that I am the problem and she wants to stop seeing me. I was basically too shocked and pissed to even say much at the time, but since have written up a 2 page letter detailing the real problems in the relationship. My best friend says to let it go and it is very high school, but I feel like I should have one last chance to take a dig at her. (I have no positive feelings towards her at all anymore so I don't care about really upsetting her) Anyone ever written one? Should I do it?

[st.cronin]

Write it, don't send it.

[JediKooter]

The smart ass in me says, "Fuck her best friend." Much better than a letter.

The serious in me says, "Forget her dumb ass and move on." Not worth it as women+rational = never going to happen. The more you let her know it bothers you, the more satisfaction she will get out of it. I think it would drive her nuts if she notices you could care less. From the brief description of her, sounds like you are better off just putting as much distance between you and her.

As much as it sucks, forget the letter and just move on. Too many women out there to get hung up on this one.

[Karlifornia]

The relationship is over..and you don't care about her anymore...What will the letter accomplish exactly? The most it will do is make you look vindictive, and it will become something she can pass around to her friends saying "Look what an asshole this guy was". I guess if you are ok with that, then send away...

[M GO BLUE!!!]

Look at my signature.

[cthomer5000]

A Dear John letter is an actual break-up letter... not a "I can't believe YOU broke up with ME, you bitch!" letter.

And no, no point to sending the letter.

[Desnudo]

Never put anything like that in writing

[Kodos]

Don't waste your time. Move on.

[larrymcg421]

Sounds to me like you're actually the winner in this situation. No need to send a letter.

But sure, if you can fuck her best friend, go for it.

[panerd]

I can see what every single of one of you guys is saying that there is no point. But I think it would make me feel better to know that she is reading it and I got the last word. I get that it will probably accomplish nothing, but I guess I don't get what the downside is. She technically didn't completely end it, just that we have to start from square #1 again, which isn't going to happen. So this letter would in effect end it? Obviously I am asking for advice and then not listening, but how is it going to come back and screw me?

[Eaglesfan27]

Originally Posted by st.cronin

Write it, don't send it.

Ding ding.

[rowech]

Originally Posted by panerd

but how is it going to come back and screw me?

I've seen so many people get screwed by stuff they never thought was going to come back to them. Unless you want to spend the rest of your life with this girl, it's not worth it. Since you said you don't, you're better off just leaving it be.

[Suburban Rhythm]

I'm no psychiatrist (although I do play one at FOFC)...

Is it the idea of her reading your thoughts/feelings that will make you feel better, or the writing of them? Writing them out, or speaking them, is probably what would best give you a feeling of closure. Her reading the letter is irrelevant. Yeah, it might put a smile on your face to think "Fuck you bitch, I told you!" but that's about it.

As far as what the downside is, outside of what Kalifornia said about her family/friends thinking you are an ass, probably nothing. But what is the upside? She reads it and you got the last word?

Or, say you send it and she NEVER opens it, just tosses it--you have no idea what happens with it. Which is why I think getting your feelings on paper is probably therapeutic, but sending them to her is probably pointless.

[JW]

Your letter will probably confirm in her mind what she thinks about you. Since she thinks you are the problem, she will see the letter as confirmation that you are the problem. You cannot win and cannot get back at her. Forget it.

[Desnudo]

Originally Posted by panerd

I can see what every single of one of you guys is saying that there is no point. But I think it would make me feel better to know that she is reading it and I got the last word. I get that it will probably accomplish nothing, but I guess I don't get what the downside is. She technically didn't completely end it, just that we have to start from square #1 again, which isn't going to happen. So this letter would in effect end it? Obviously I am asking for advice and then not listening, but how is it going to come back and screw me?

You're imagining that she's going to sit there reading that letter and nodding and understanding and feeling bad.

The reality is, she's going to read it and think, "I made the right choice, what a wacko," and then procede to share the contents of your letter with all her friends.

If you really want to write it, go ahead, but sleep on it before mailing it.

Edit: I'd say the best revenge will be living well and starting a healthy relationship with someone.

[sabotai]

Originally Posted by panerd

I can see what every single of one of you guys is saying that there is no point. But I think it would make me feel better to know that she is reading it and I got the last word.

Your friend is right. Very high school.

[Axxon]

Originally Posted by Desnudo

You're imagining that she's going to sit there reading that letter and nodding and understanding and feeling bad.

He wants her to be hoisted by her own Panerd.

[Eaglesfan27]

Originally Posted by Desnudo

You're imagining that she's going to sit there reading that letter and nodding and understanding and feeling bad.

The reality is, she's going to read it and think, "I made the right choice, what a wacko," and then procede to share the contents of your letter with all her friends.

If you really want to write it, go ahead, but sleep on it before mailing it.

Edit: I'd say the best revenge will be living well and starting a healthy relationship with someone.

I'd take this a step further and say wait a week before mailing it. I'm willing to bet after a week, you won't even want to mail it any more.

[cthomer5000]

another practical negative: you might cost yourself the chance to nail her or one of her friends at a later date.

[Buccaneer]

Who is John Letter and why you be writing to him?

[Passacaglia]

Life goes on, right or wrong. It's all been said or done.

[MrDNA]

I agree wholeheartedly with everyone saying to play it cool. I did that with a girl who ditched me (after sleeping around, etc.) and later found out through one of her friends that she wanted to go out again! (No, I sure as heck didn't).

If you want people to see your letter and to share your story with... post it here

[panerd]

I think you guys are all right and my friends are also. Everyone has said it is a really bad idea and I will definitely sit on it for a few days and not do anything. The problem is that it so clearly articulates what I can't when I get into a heated discussion with her. And I would hope that it would at least make her think about some of the shit she has done to me and maybe cause her to not do it to somebody else. And while my first post says it is over, I actually was given the chance to end it and like a pussy didn't say anything and then she said we could still work it out but it would be almost be like starting over. She definitely has a spell over me that I haven't ever really let happen with anybody else.

(I slept with her on the second date, so maybe I should "start over" and try having sex with her next time I see her )

Originally Posted by MrDNA

If you want people to see your letter and to share your story with... post it here

It would actually make for a pretty funny thread, but with my luck one of her friends is into FOF and would say that they saw something on the message board about her. Then that might actually become a real problem.

[gstelmack]

Originally Posted by M GO BLUE!!!

Look at my signature.

QFT. It's actually the best way to get back at her. Go "okay" and move on. If she's the type you're discovering she is, that will drive her nuts not knowing if you're still pining over her.

[tarcone]

Crap, if its not over, dont send a letter. Fuck her one more time then tell her she is a bitch and leave. You win.
Nothing is written.
or skip the bitch part and just leave and never call her again.

[Izulde]

Hand-written letter writing is one of those things that holds great emotional power, because it's so personal a touch and so rare in today's society.

That being said, when a letter such as you propose involves a woman, it has one of two effects.

One, it strikes a note deep inside her, she weeps for her transgressions and has a cinematic life-altering moment. This is extremely rare, so rare that it almost never happens outside of the world of fiction.

Two, she laughs her ass off and passes it around to all of her friends. You become the butt and punchline of jokes for weeks, if not months afterwards in that little circle. Furthermore, every guy she gets into a relationship afterward, when they start talking about past relationships, you'll be the one she goes, "And oh my god, I dated this total loser once. It was all him, so I dumped him and then he wrote this really dorky letter. He was -such- a dweebface."

Then the new guy will laugh at you, too.

This is a case of Door Number Two, my friend.

Don't walk through that door.

[Anthony]

if you couldn't say it to her face, it wasn't worth saying at all. to me, writing a letter is a sign of weakness, a weakness you've confirmed by stating she gave you a chance to end the relationship and you couldn't do it.

your only play is to let it go and not let her know how much of a pussy you are (no offense) and let her think she didn't mean much to you.

[Drake]

If she has a dog, you could always kidnap it and kill it, then leave the skinned carcass on her porch.

Nothing says, "I'm done with you, bitch" like a dead puppy on a chick's porch.

[Drake]

/\/\/\/\/\

That was a joke, btw. I don't support violence against dogs in any way, shape or form.

Now cats...

[panerd]

8 hours later and I am still around my house screwing around on the internet. Damn getting dumped really sucks in ways you never could imagine it would. I have consulted a few buddies this evening including a close female friend and I think I am going with a whole new approach. (several posters have also suggested it so I will give them credit) She left the door open for us to start over and I think she may call me. So I am either going to answer and tell her to never call me again or I am going to ignore all phone calls, text messages, etc until she stops calling me. I think it might be far more effective to achieve my ultimate goal of pissing her off and also make me look somewhat mature (even though I am not at all) in the process. The Dear John was so detailed it actually looks kind of pshycopathic when I re-read it. There still are some classic lines that I would love to use on her sometime, that nobody will ever get to see in action.

[sterlingice]

Originally Posted by Axxon

He wants her to be hoisted by her own Panerd.

Absolutely brilliant and criminal that no one has complimented it yet. Very nicely played

SI

[Anthony]

Originally Posted by panerd

8 hours later and I am still around my house screwing around on the internet. Damn getting dumped really sucks in ways you never could imagine it would. I have consulted a few buddies this evening including a close female friend and I think I am going with a whole new approach. (several posters have also suggested it so I will give them credit) She left the door open for us to start over and I think she may call me. So I am either going to answer and tell her to never call me again or I am going to ignore all phone calls, text messages, etc until she stops calling me. I think it might be far more effective to achieve my ultimate goal of pissing her off and also make me look somewhat mature (even though I am not at all) in the process. The Dear John was so detailed it actually looks kind of pshycopathic when I re-read it. There still are some classic lines that I would love to use on her sometime, that nobody will ever get to see in action.

ignore her? are you afraid of confrontation? why can't you just say "i like things the way they are, best of luck to you in life" and leave it at that? writing letters, ignoring calls. very childish man. it's behavious like this that makes me take your side of the story as a half-truth. from two posts i was able to read between the lines and see how you deal with adversity and tense situations. i wish people would stop creating these threads here at FOFC, all you types give is your side of the story and we're expected to give advice working with only 50% accurate info. you get the typical people who'll blindly take your side and chime in with "screw that bitch over" or something similar, but i can somewhat see how you must've been in that relationship and that's based off of 2 posts of yours.

i wish you well in the future, even bad relationships serve a purpose as everything in life is a learning experience. repeat what you did well, and try to change what you did wrong. that's all you can ask for.

[cthomer5000]

I hate it when I have to side with H.A.... but in what way does ignorining phone calls "somewhat mature?"

[Vinatieri for Prez]

Good choice. As has already been said, ignoring her is the best route. It will bug the hell out of her, and you indeed will get the last, but silent, word.

[stevew]

Yeah, just for a moment imagine her reading your letter to all her friends, possibly posting it on the internet, being the butt of their jokes for the next decade. Her reading it to her next boyfriend. Etc

Doesn't that piss you off?

[Axxon]

Originally Posted by sterlingice

Absolutely brilliant and criminal that no one has complimented it yet. Very nicely played

SI

Thank you sir. I was getting a bit disappointed there for a bit.

[cougarfreak]

Too bad Sam Kinison's not still around, you could have him give her a call.

[Eaglesfan27]

Originally Posted by cthomer5000

I hate it when I have to side with H.A.... but in what way does ignorining phone calls "somewhat mature?"

Ditto on both accounts.

[CamEdwards]

Originally Posted by cthomer5000

I hate it when I have to side with H.A.... but in what way does ignorining phone calls "somewhat mature?"

Yep. The mature way to break it off is to simply answer the phone and tell her, "Look, you may be interested in starting over at square one, but I'm not. I wish you well, but I think it's best if we just have a clean break."

Then hang up the phone BEFORE you get sucked into the endless conversation of "why?"

[Subby]

Originally Posted by panerd

But I think it would make me feel better to know that she is reading it and I got the last word.

C'mon man....you're better than that.

[panerd]

Day #2 and I already feel better that I didn't send the letter and see more and more issues with it. It did feel good to write though. Some of your guys advice was pretty harsh but it was right on target. (HA could use some beside manner before becoming a doctor or pyschiatrist though ) I don't plan on ignoring her either and will just be a gentleman about it. I was kind of hoping that she would send me something so that this thread could have some entertainment added to it, but I guess she has her head on a little straighter than I do.

It is kind of crazy about human nature. The other day I am posting in M GO BLUE's thread telling him advice that is logical and correct and he is having trouble seeing it and then yesterday I am getting the same logical advice and ignoring it. I guess we all like to think we are right, even when everyone tells us we are wrong.

[KWhit]

Originally Posted by panerd

Day #2 and I already feel better that I didn't send the letter and see more and more issues with it. It did feel good to write though. Some of your guys advice was pretty harsh but it was right on target. (HA could use some beside manner before becoming a doctor or pyschiatrist though ) I don't plan on ignoring her either and will just be a gentleman about it. I was kind of hoping that she would send me something so that this thread could have some entertainment added to it, but I guess she has her head on a little straighter than I do.

You could always post the letter you wrote.

[Neon_Chaos]

WE WANT THE LETTER!

[Anthony]

Originally Posted by panerd

Day #2 and I already feel better that I didn't send the letter and see more and more issues with it. It did feel good to write though. Some of your guys advice was pretty harsh but it was right on target. (HA could use some beside manner before becoming a doctor or pyschiatrist though ) I don't plan on ignoring her either and will just be a gentleman about it. I was kind of hoping that she would send me something so that this thread could have some entertainment added to it, but I guess she has her head on a little straighter than I do.

It is kind of crazy about human nature. The other day I am posting in M GO BLUE's thread telling him advice that is logical and correct and he is having trouble seeing it and then yesterday I am getting the same logical advice and ignoring it. I guess we all like to think we are right, even when everyone tells us we are wrong.

i don't have to sugarcoat things cuz i don't know you. it's better that way, actually, at least you got advice that was unbiased.

you're justified to feel the way you do about this situation - therefore no need to ignore calls or hide behind letters. i think that's the running theme myself and others have tried to get across to you. you're allowed to think and feel the way you do, so have confidence in yourself and don't diminish your emotions by choosing a poor way to communicate them.

and yes, post the letter. contribute some entertainment to this board.

[cthomer5000]

lttr plz k thx

bye