TV Script Feedback (Ping: Big Bang Theory Fans)

[KWhit]

Hey all you crazy FOFCers. I am an aspiring TV / film screenwriter who recently finished a script for an episode of The Big Bang Theory.

Basically, to get a Hollywood TV job you need to have multiple samples of your writing and one of those is an episode from an existing TV show. So this is my sample - it's not like lame fan fiction or anything like that.

I'm fairly proud of it, but I want feedback.

Basically, I'd love to hear what you thought was clear or unclear in the story, what jokes worked and didn't work, etc. It helps if you watch BBT, so you get the characters and humor of the show, but it's very easy to follow even if you've never seen an episode.

The format of the script matches what they use for the show, which can be a little weird if you've never read TV scripts before, but it's pretty easy to follow, IMO.

So, anyway... I thought I would reach out to some of you guys/gals for some constructive criticism. I actually have a staged reading of this tonight as well at a screenwriting group I am a part of too. So wish me luck!

Here's the file.

RapidShare: 1-CLICK Web hosting - Easy Filehosting

[saldana]

i love this show...i will DL the script when i get home and give it a read.

[DaddyTorgo]

ditto - i'm sure all of us BBT fans will

[KWhit]

Cool!

If you already know the show, you can obviously skip the character breakdown on the first page as that was just something I put in for the people who don't know the show.

[BrianD]

I just finished reading. I'm not sure that you would get everything past the censors, but I could totally see this episode playing out as I read it. I even laughed out loud a couple of times. Overall I quite liked it and thought you nailed the characters well. I'm not sure I get Howard's nickname at the end though.

[DaddyTorgo]

hmm - the file isn't opening for me

[rowech]

I agree...I think you stayed true to the characters and enjoyed the thought of this...two things I'm not sure if you could get in there somehow...

1. On 2.5 men they had an episode where Charlie's character had to write a theme song for a Japanese cartoon with something like oh.oh.oh.oh shi kuru...would be cool if you got that into the first part...

2. Find a way to get Sheldon to repeat the last word of his sentences when he's on the toilet. That way the line becomes I'm playing with my wii-wii.

[KWhit]

Originally Posted by DaddyTorgo

hmm - the file isn't opening for me

That's weird. It works fine for me.

It's a PDF. I assume you have the free Adobe Acrobat Reader installed?

Maybe try again?

[KWhit]

Thanks BrianD and rowech for giving it a read.

Glad to hear that it felt like a real episode of the show. (Obviously) that's what I'm going for.

Brian: Interesting comment about not getting Howard's nickname. That's the first I've heard that comment. I'll ask a few other people their thoughts on it.

rowech: I don't watch 2.5 men, but I may try to do something like that since Chuck Lorre is the creator of both shows (not sure if you knew that or not), so there is some tie between them. And the wii thing I think already strains the credibility of the story. When I was first writing the script, I tried to make it even more over the top as you suggest, but it just wasn't working. That may be the weakest part of the script, I think.

[rowech]

Originally Posted by KWhit

Thanks BrianD and rowech for giving it a read.

Glad to hear that it felt like a real episode of the show. (Obviously) that's what I'm going for.

Brian: Interesting comment about not getting Howard's nickname. That's the first I've heard that comment. I'll ask a few other people their thoughts on it.

rowech: I don't watch 2.5 men, but I may try to do something like that since Chuck Lorre is the creator of both shows (not sure if you knew that or not), so there is some tie between them. And the wii thing I think already strains the credibility of the story. When I was first writing the script, I tried to make it even more over the top as you suggest, but it just wasn't working. That may be the weakest part of the script, I think.

Yes...I thought they could appreciate the tie in to 2.5 men.

[DaddyTorgo]

musta been some setting on my laptop. DL'ed fine here at work. Will throw it in my dropbox and read this afternoon.

[KWhit]

Cool. Thanks!

I had a staged reading of it last night that went very well. Laughs in (almost) all of the right places and very positive feedback. So I was happy with the way it turned out.

Now I just need to finish my feature film script, get discovered, and profit!

[k0ruptr]

Just read it , but havent see the show before. I must say though, its pretty damn good. very well done Kwhit. I would totally watch it, and now I must watch Big Bang Theory.

[KWhit]

Thanks, k0ruptr.

I think the show is hilarious and would highly recommend it. Fun, geeky humor.

As far as my writing is concerned, I am just now starting to really get serious about it. I am thoroughly unhappy with my current career and want to give this a go. We'll see.

[Danny]

Excellent job Kwhit, even the text had me laughing out loud of a few times. It could air tomorrow and would be as good or better than many of the episodes they air.

[DaddyTorgo]

for some strange reason i still can't view this on my laptop at home - something with adobe reader or something, but i thought i'd take a look before buckling down for work today.

just the pre-title part has me laughing, so that's a great sign.

[DaddyTorgo]

only found (so far) one lil bit that didn't ring true.

PENNY
Sheldon. You know I care about you.
So please take this in the way it is

intended. You are a freaking lunatic.


I'm just not sure that "freaking lunatic" adds anything there. Maybe just "you're nuts" or "you've lost it" or something...softer. Freaking lunatic is kind of mean-spirited, and it's not really a mean-spirited show.

Other than that little bit...very good. I'd watch it if it was put onscreen!

[KWhit]

Interesting, DT.

You're absolutely right that it is not a mean spirited show. I'll look at softening that up a little.

Thanks for the feedback and I'm glad you liked it!

[DaddyTorgo]

Originally Posted by KWhit

Interesting, DT.

You're absolutely right that it is not a mean spirited show. I'll look at softening that up a little.

Thanks for the feedback and I'm glad you liked it!

i was laughing out loud at my desk - so that's definitely a positive sign!

[KWhit]