Gems from "Not Always Right"

[DaddyTorgo]

This site is hilarious - always good for a laugh. So I thought I'd make a thread for people to post stories on there they've found that are gems.

Like this one:

Wild Accusations

Call Center | Asheville, NC, USA
Customer: “I keep seeing a charge for $9.99 on my account. Why do you people keep charging me $9.99?”
Me: “Sir, that charge is coming not from us, but from GGW.”
Customer: “What the h*** is GGW? People are stealing my money and you do nothing! So what the h*** is GGW?”
(I have seen the charge for GGW before. I usually just use the abbreviation to spare the customer.))
Me: “Sir, GGW stands for Girls Gone–”
Customer: “Oh yeah. Never mind I remember now…uh…bye.” *click*

[DaddyTorgo]

Santa Baby

Daycare | United Kingdom
(I am a supervisor in a daycare. It is Christmas Eve and a child’s mother has arrived to pick him up.)
Mother: “So, is it okay if I send in his presents with him tomorrow so he can open them here?”
Me: “Tomorrow? It’s Christmas Day tomorrow…we’ll be closed.”
Mother: “What? You’re closed tomorrow? But what am I supposed to do with my kid?”
Me: “Oh, do you have to work tomorrow? That’s unfortunate.”
Mother: “Work tomorrow? No, I booked it off a long time ago. Why are you closed tomorrow? You’re always open!”
Me: “Christmas Day is the only day we’re closed all year.”
Mother: “Well I don’t want him under my feet on Christmas!”
Me: “Um…”
Mother: “You don’t want to baby-sit, do you?”

[Airhog]

Short-Sighted Fathers

Theme Park | Hershey, PA, USA
(A man and his son walks into the guest services office.)
Customer: “The rides person won’t let my son get on the pirate ship ride.”
Me: “Your son doesn’t appear to be tall enough. Will you have him stand by the height chart for me?”
(I measure the child and he is a good two inches shorter than the height requirement for the pirate ride.)
Me: “Sir, your son is not within the height category. He cannot legally ride the ride.”
Customer: “Well, can’t you just stamp his hand and let him get on since I said it was okay?”
Me: “No sir, that is illegal. Your son will not be safe on that ride as the restraints are not built for smaller riders. We do have a kid’s version of that ride.”
Customer: “I’m going to get my wife. She’s wearing heels today. He can just put those on and be tall enough.”
Me: “Any shoes that are more than two inches thick need to be removed before we can measure the child, so that won’t work.”
Son: “Daddy, why can’t we ride the rides?”
Customer: “Because that horrible lady thinks you’re a midget.”

[Airhog]

Not Exactly The Pick Of The Litter, Part 2

Retail | NL, Canada
(One of my regulars comes to my cash with her small child. The mother is very much pregnant.)
Me: “Oh hello, [mother] and [daughter], how are you today?”
Customer: “We’re great!” *turns to daughter* “Tell [me] what Mommy is going to have in September!”
Customer’s daughter: “A baby!”
Me: “Really? What do you hope it’ll be?”
Customer’s Daughter: “A puppy!”

[Surtt]

Originally Posted by DaddyTorgo

Santa Baby

Daycare | United Kingdom
(I am a supervisor in a daycare. It is Christmas Eve and a child’s mother has arrived to pick him up.)
Mother: “So, is it okay if I send in his presents with him tomorrow so he can open them here?”
Me: “Tomorrow? It’s Christmas Day tomorrow…we’ll be closed.”
Mother: “What? You’re closed tomorrow? But what am I supposed to do with my kid?”
Me: “Oh, do you have to work tomorrow? That’s unfortunate.”
Mother: “Work tomorrow? No, I booked it off a long time ago. Why are you closed tomorrow? You’re always open!”
Me: “Christmas Day is the only day we’re closed all year.”
Mother: “Well I don’t want him under my feet on Christmas!”
Me: “Um…”
Mother: “You don’t want to baby-sit, do you?”

I hope that one is fake...

[k0ruptr]

Originally Posted by Surtt

I hope that one is fake...

I know, thats just sad.

[mckerney]

Originally Posted by Surtt

I hope that one is fake...

[Greyroofoo]

What was the answer to that question?

[mckerney]

To go along with notalwaysright.com, I had a customer last weekend spend about 10 minutes telling me how vodka will go bad if it's left on the shelf for too long.

[FrogMan]

and in the line as Not Always Right, I really like Clients From Hell. Some real gems in there...

Client: “Can you have these wireframes done by tomorrow?”
Me: “Possibly. Can you please send me a list of the functionality required for this site?”
Client: “Sure:
Dashboard
Comments/What are you doing?
Inbox / Outbox / Sent Items
Post News
Files Repository
Pictures
Tasks Manager/Reminders (e-mail reminders)
Calendar (Birthdays, Trips)
Work
Play/Hobbies
Dating
Health
Tickets (for friends/families)
News Feed
Contact Info: Mobile/Home/Work, etc.
Employer
Facebook Connect
LinkedIn Connect
See who’s viewing you in real time….
Chat
Settings
Time Zone
Report a Bug/Suggestion
Twitter Connect
Auto-Reply/Auto-Away Message
Family/Friends List (notes/send-email)
Education Profile
Mint.com Aggregator (Financials)
Health/Beauty
Evite.com
Insurance (Auto/Medical/Home/Renter’s, etc)
Weather (Current/Remote)
LogMeIn (Control your other computers)
Repositories (throw anything in here… and create additional folders)
Music (Upload Your Music Files)
Organize Your Documents (scans/passports/etc)
send resumes, etc.
User Names/Password Keys Organizer
Videos: Link, Upload, Share - via YouTube functionality
Bills Due (activate with link/pw’s)
Google/Yahoo/Bing Search
Movies (what did you watch, where did you watch it, how do you rate it 1-10, and tell us why you think it was awesome - in a few sentences…)
PDF Converter
Accounting
Blast Text out to Friends/Families
Antivirus/Malware Scan
Articulize Yourself (write updates on yourself in article format…)
TXT Reminders
Pet Vaccines Schedule/Certificate
Document Sharing
Schedule/Calendar Sharing/Group
Professor Schedule/Office Hours
bus schedule
university changes updates
birthdays / parties of colleagues
Reviews of Books/Txtbooks
Book Auctions/Repository
Online Coupons
local restaurants/bars
RA/Dorm Schedule
Univ. Clubs nearby
sports team
schedules games
exam schedule / midterms
job firms / hiring / research on companies
job hunting / co-op / summer internships
Class Schedule
Student ID#
POP3 Integration
Rent Due
Taxes, etc.
Scoreboards for fav teams
Groups
Work Documents
Travel Schedule
Flight Status/on Time
Carrier Points Programs
Book Clubs/Restaurant Clubs/Groups
Cell Phone List/Contacts
Built-In Dictionary
School Medical Clinic
Games
gym schedule
‘Homework Reminders’, essay reminders
Menstruation tracker so you can see if you’re late for your period”

Business Meeting Subject: New Automation Software.
Client: “I want you to write a software package that will allow us to create client websites automatically. The site needs to allow for multiple upsells after the checkout is complete. And I want to build 5000 a week for clients free and give them away. I need that in 30 days.”
Me: “We can do that but given the complexity of the checkout process, upsell logic (actually lack thereof, every deal was different), and conversion of current clients to the new system we will need at least 90 days to bring this online.”
Client: “I setup a MySpace account and have the frontend ready to go, all you need is to glue the cart to it. Surely you can do that in few days?”
Me: “Myspace?”
Client: “That’s right.”
Me: “And you want a cart in Myspace?”
Client: “You got it…”

Hello, I am looking for a web designer to build a web site for my band. Here is a list of the essential elements, in no particular order:
-Band Bio
-Photos
-Tour schedule
-Email capture form for fans to subscribe to our mailing list
-Booking contact info (phone # and email address)
-Audio/Video page including MP3s (stream + download) and YouTube videos

All of the above content will be provided to you. If you are interested in taking on this project just send me an email with a little info about your web design background. Links to sites you have built in the past are very helpful. We are open to your design/ layout ideas. We don’t need anything fancy; simpler is better. Please also include an estimate of how quickly you can build this site. Thank you.

• Location: Anywhere
• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
• Compensation: $50

Instead of designing icons and costing me extra, why don’t you just use the ‘Wingdings’ font?

A manager of a small local corporation came to us with a DVD of a very professionally and well done set of interviews with lots of B-Roll of their building and stock footage of cities that they had received as a promotion from another company.
Him: “We want something just like this: Three 5 minute interviews with [these managers] and I’ll do one ten minute segment at the end.”
Me: “Sounds good. What are you looking at for a budget?”
Him: “We figured about $100.”
Me [Amused]: “So what does that $100 cover?”
Him: “Listen, $100 is pretty good money for a job that shouldn’t take you more than two hours.”
Me: “Two hours?”
Him: “You can’t get this done in two hours?!? Three 5 minute interviews, one 10 minute interview. That’s an hour and a half to get the other stuff in a video and put it on a DVDs!”

Client: “We ran the ad you designed in a magazine and no one bought our product, so we would like a refund on what we paid you and we will be taking our business elsewhere.”
Us: “Maybe the ad didn’t work because you are selling hunting and fishing supplies and you put the ad in a women’s home magazine.”
Client: “That’s because we heard that women make most purchasing decisions in the home. So clearly the problem was with your ad. I’ll be expecting a check.”

FM

[Eaglesfan27]

Originally Posted by DaddyTorgo

Santa Baby

Daycare | United Kingdom
(I am a supervisor in a daycare. It is Christmas Eve and a child’s mother has arrived to pick him up.)
Mother: “So, is it okay if I send in his presents with him tomorrow so he can open them here?”
Me: “Tomorrow? It’s Christmas Day tomorrow…we’ll be closed.”
Mother: “What? You’re closed tomorrow? But what am I supposed to do with my kid?”
Me: “Oh, do you have to work tomorrow? That’s unfortunate.”
Mother: “Work tomorrow? No, I booked it off a long time ago. Why are you closed tomorrow? You’re always open!”
Me: “Christmas Day is the only day we’re closed all year.”
Mother: “Well I don’t want him under my feet on Christmas!”
Me: “Um…”
Mother: “You don’t want to baby-sit, do you?”

Originally Posted by Surtt

I hope that one is fake...

I hope so as well, but I fear it is real. More sad than funny.

[DaddyTorgo]

Originally Posted by Eaglesfan27

I hope so as well, but I fear it is real. More sad than funny.

yeah i agree. just felt it deserved a posting like "holy shit"

[FrogMan]

bit of Engrish in that one, thought it was funny...

Unintended Entendres

Tech Support | Shenzhen, China
(I have just completed a firewall and Internet circuit install for an international customer. His English is far better than my Cantonese, but slang expressions didn’t always translate.)
Customer: “Thank you! You know, we were worried about having a female engineer, but now I see that they are better.”
Me: “Well, thank you, sir. I’m glad your Internet is up and running. We always try to do a good job.”
Customer: “You even cleaned the server room! Men never clean the server room. It looks very nice!”
Me: “…”
Customer: “I don’t think I have ever seen such a nice rack! Thank you!”

[FrogMan]

WIN!


Taking It Down To The Wire

Call Center | USA
Customer: “My computer says I didn’t pay my internet bill and it won’t let me do anything. I just paid my bill!”
Me: “Well, lets take a look and see what is happening with this.”
Customer: “I make my living off the internet! Hurry up!”
Me: “Ma’am, I’m afraid my records show that you don’t have internet as one of your services through this company.”
Customer: “I pay a lot of money every month for this d*** service! You need to fix this and fix this now! I have been a customer of yours for years!”
Me: “Can you please read me the message that is appearing on your computer monitor?”
(Customer reads me message.)
Me: “It appears that you indeed do not have internet service through us because the message you just read included someone else’s wireless account number. Ma’am, you are using someone else’s internet service.”
Customer: “Why did you shut me off then?”
Me: “We didn’t shut you off. We shut off someone else’s account for a delinquent balance and that was the account that you were stealing internet from.”
Customer: “Well, just turn it back on then. I need my internet.”
Me: “I can turn it back on in one of two ways. One: you pay for your own internet. Two: you pay for your neighbors internet to be turned back on so you can continue using something you aren’t supposed to be.”
Customer: *hangs up*



FM