bad day

Flasch186 · 12-09-2011, 10:01 AM

Nothing like finding out from a friend your wife said something that pisses you off but doesnt want you to know....

So my wife was in Real estate and when the downturn hit, in conjunction with being pregnant she quit Re and stayed at home. When it became time for her to "do something with herself" she really didnt have a clue but she knew she didnt want to do RE anymore.

I suggested school which she didnt love the idea of but I mentioned the health care industry's future prospects for the lower level positions like assistants, techs, etc and so she gave in and started to go to school for Radiology Tech, which is similar to what her cousin does. She wants minimial blood...

Anyways, due to the way things aligned with semesters she ended up with almost a full year off of school before he 'program' starts next fall. She's taking one class from the program ahead of time this spring but she's really had a shit ton of time off.

So I guess she said something to BF's wife about "not wanting to go back to school" which pisses me off. I know that staying at home and being a mom is a "full time" job. Ive heard it before. But that wasn't the team pact we'd had in place and now she's trying to renegotiate the terms of our team.

Im not sure how to handle it. BF wants me to see if she wants to go (without letting on that Ive heard from his wife) and if not she could come work for us in the biz. I dont want that though. I want her to go to school, to have something for herself, to be excited about it, and contribute financially to the family ($ or benefits).

How do I handle this. It has the possibility of going bad, which is when she clams up, does what I want and and we kick the can down the road to use the parlance of our times. The fight will be rehashed a year from now and maybe a year after that. I wonder if Im ok with that as long as she graduates....

FWIW, we do not have the long term finances to be a single income family. We've made it work for a few years now but I do not see that the world's economy vs. our starting point allows for it in our case with the way she wants to live, voices dreams, etc.

/end brain dump

JonInMiddleGA · 12-09-2011, 10:07 AM

Your best bet for a truly happy resolution might be to hit the Powerball.

You don't need the negative vibes I'd probably give off on this one so I'm gonna try to stay out of it I think. I'd have stayed silent altogether but that'd seem like I just didn't give a shit, which isn't the case.

JPhillips · 12-09-2011, 10:08 AM

If you want her to have something to be excited about the rad tech doesn't sound like the thing. What does she dream about doing? Is there a way to turn that into money? If you approach it as a conversation about getting her ass working it won't go over well.

Ksyrup · 12-09-2011, 10:13 AM

I agree with JP - the part I keyed on was, " I want her to go to school, to have something for herself, to be excited about it, and contribute financially to the family ($ or benefits)." That's gonna take her buy-in, whatever it is. You can't make her excited about something, or project your excitement about it onto her.

It sounds like the whole thing was your idea to begin with and she wasn't all that excited about it, but went along with it anyway for whatever reason (not trying to delve too deeply into your personal relationship). I think you need to approach this in a way that allows her to take ownership of whatever idea it is. Assuming she acknowledges and understands that you have to be a 2-income family, this seems to be the best way to at least approach it and see where it goes.

Mizzou B-ball fan · 12-09-2011, 10:14 AM

Are you correct? Maybe.

Is it in your best interest to support her no matter what she decides to do as long as you all can still makes ends meet? Probably.

mckerney · 12-09-2011, 10:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JonInMiddleGA

Your best bet for a truly happy resolution might be to hit the Powerball.

That's terrible financial advice.

The Mega Millions has a higher jackpot right now.

Ksyrup · 12-09-2011, 10:18 AM

See if you can get her to start mining Mt. Kate Upton. From the posts in that thread, apparently there's gold in them thar hills.

Flasch186 · 12-09-2011, 10:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ksyrup

It sounds like the whole thing was your idea to begin with and she wasn't all that excited about it, but went along with it anyway for whatever reason (not trying to delve too deeply into your personal relationship). I think you need to approach this in a way that allows her to take ownership of whatever idea it is. Assuming she acknowledges and understands that you have to be a 2-income family, this seems to be the best way to at least approach it and see where it goes.

It is absolutely my idea that she does something. She then stares blankly so I suggested something with a decent shot of getting a job she'll like with availability to have her be part time, the way she wants with kids and all. Its weird, she doesnt get finances (I handle it) and she doesnt see that I can't make us financially fairfooted forever on my own (IMO).

Rizon · 12-09-2011, 10:25 AM

Sounds like my ex-wife. When we first got together she was going to college and working full time. By the time we split she was working 10-15 hours a week and had been out of college for years.

Give someone the opportunity to stay home or work, and they'd take stay home. I know I'd rather stay home with the kids than sit behind a desk and deal with idiots and people I hate all day long.

Ksyrup · 12-09-2011, 10:27 AM

Well then that has to be step one, to get her to understand that. I sometimes have the same problem with my wife, especially on finances - she lets me handle everything and pretty much goes along with whatever I say about things. It's hard to pull out an opposing opinion from her when ordinarily, she has no opinion or just goes with whatever I say.

albionmoonlight · 12-09-2011, 10:38 AM

Why don't you just lay out the facts for her. Explain your position that you don't see your family being able to survive on one income for the future. Also note that you wonder if she really wants to go to school or be a radiology tech.

Start, in other words, a conversation.

Then (and here is the number-one-fucking-a-most-important-thing-by-far) LISTEN to her. Like, actually do it.

What is her vision for the family? For herself? Is she happy now? What might make her happy? What would she do if money were no object? How much money does she want? What's more important for her?

I mean, let's break this down a bit:

"Its weird, she doesnt get finances (I handle it) and she doesnt see that I can't make us financially fairfooted forever on my own (IMO)."

OK. If she does not get it, you need to explain it to her. And you need to listen to her response. Are you guys building up debt to sustain your lifestyle and she does not get that? Are their goals on which you both agree for which you are not saving? And (here's that word again) listen to her. Acknowledge that you might be wrong about the sustainability of one income. Maybe y'all are living a life she does not want. Maybe she would be willing to spend 50% less and get rid of the goals in order not to work. Who knows. But you each need to understand the facts of your life together.

Also, this "She then stares blankly so I suggested something with a decent shot of getting a job she'll like with availability to have her be part time, the way she wants with kids and all" gave me pause.

You have done a great job of solving what you think her problem is. But you really have no idea what was behind that blank stare. You clearly care for her and want to make things as easy on her as reasonably possible. But you can't really do that until you understand what she thinks and feels and why.

Good luck. Not an easy situation for sure.

BrianD · 12-09-2011, 10:46 AM

If you have a "team pact" and you approach your marriage as a team, finances should be included in the team. Put your long-term finances and current budget into a spreadsheet and go over it with her. Between the two of you, look at what you can do with one income and discuss whether you would be happy with that lifestyle. If you both agree that you are not happy with that lifestyle, then you can turn the conversation into how to change. Make her be part of the decision of not working and living with less, or working and living with more. If she agrees that it is better to work and have the extra income, then you can turn the conversation into what kind of work she'd be willing to do.

JediKooter · 12-09-2011, 10:48 AM

In a perfect world, we'd all love to stay home, but, last I checked, this isn't a perfect world. Sounds like you have to communicate in terms that she would get, since she doesn't understand the family's financial situation, current and future. I understand having kids, but, if they are older and not babies or toddlers or in the 4th grade, they'll be fine if she works during the day.

Are there annual vacations you take or certain 'luxuries' that you guys have, whether it's every day/week/month/year? Sometimes people don't understand the situation they are in until the things they are used to having are either threatened or gone.

It sounds like your wife already knows you will be upset if you know her feelings on this, which throws up a couple of red flags to me. One is, she thinks you will be upset (and by reading your post, you are) and I see your point as to why you would be. The second one is, her not knowing your family's finances. That worries me (and I don't mean anything mean by this), because, what would happen if something happened to you? Sounds like she wouldn't be able to take care of things, regardless if she has the resources to. Perhaps if she was more involved in the household finances, it would be easier on everyone in general and easier for everyone to understand the 'whys' and 'whats', of this situation?

That's just my outside observation from the information you provided.

stevew · 12-09-2011, 10:50 AM

I feel for you man. I've been dealing with similar issues the last 2.5 years. Wife gets laid off, can't find anything. Works on Masters degree, ends up getting it. However nobody is hiring education right now, so that is basically a waste. Applies to jobs, can't get hired anywhere. Meanwhile we're taking on financial water left and right, and I'm trying to finish my degree.

I overhear her make statements like. "I'm so frustrated looking for a job that I've just about given up" Shit to that effect.

And you couple that with things like actually her getting multiple interviews for good jobs, which inevitably result in the company never having the decency to send an rejection letter.

spleen1015 · 12-09-2011, 10:54 AM

My wife used to be in IT along with me and made decent money as a contractor. She worked some where for 3 years and her contract was ended. After 3 months on the bench, she didn't have another placement yet, so she started looking for a different type of job. She ended up going through a temp agency and found a job as an assistant to a woman who runs a small insurance company. She started out making about 30% of what she was in IT. The difference was, she loved it.

Today, she an insurance agent and she has taken over most of her bosses clients and has an assistant of her own.

I didn't like it for a long time because she can do so much more achieve a lot more. She's happy though. She loves her job.

I'll take a wife that comes home happy every day than one who makes a lot of money but is miserable doing it.

I think you should talk to your wife about it and she what she wants to do because it sounds to me like you only want her to do what you want and that isn't fair to her.

miked · 12-09-2011, 11:08 AM

I think the problem is that you are deciding what you think she should do for employment, which if she's not into it, she will resent you for it. Why can't she work for your office? As has been said before, make her understand the finances and let her know how much she needs to make (or cut) to sustain the family. Let her brainstorm ideas to do it and then meet to discuss (rather than you telling her what you think she should do). I don't understand why you felt she would be peachy with it in the first place, considering the circumstances in which is was started.

AnalBumCover · 12-09-2011, 11:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JPhillips

What does she dream about doing? Is there a way to turn that into money?

This.

See if there's an opportunity to turn a hobby into a small business. Likes baking? Start by baking cupcakes or cookies for sale. Knitting? Start by making scarves and sell them to friends during the winter season. Likes taking pictures? Look into wedding/event photography, or landscape or structure photography.

Heck, have her take pictures of your homes for sale, and "buy" her photos for use on your website.

Mizzou B-ball fan · 12-09-2011, 11:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by spleen1015

My wife used to be in IT along with me and made decent money as a contractor. She worked some where for 3 years and her contract was ended. After 3 months on the bench, she didn't have another placement yet, so she started looking for a different type of job. She ended up going through a temp agency and found a job as an assistant to a woman who runs a small insurance company. She started out making about 30% of what she was in IT. The difference was, she loved it.

Today, she an insurance agent and she has taken over most of her bosses clients and has an assistant of her own.

I didn't like it for a long time because she can do so much more achieve a lot more. She's happy though. She loves her job.

I'll take a wife that comes home happy every day than one who makes a lot of money but is miserable doing it.

I think you should talk to your wife about it and she what she wants to do because it sounds to me like you only want her to do what you want and that isn't fair to her.

This.

booradley · 12-09-2011, 11:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by albionmoonlight

Why don't you just lay out the facts for her. Explain your position that you don't see your family being able to survive on one income for the future. Also note that you wonder if she really wants to go to school or be a radiology tech.

Start, in other words, a conversation.

Then (and here is the number-one-fucking-a-most-important-thing-by-far) LISTEN to her. Like, actually do it.

What is her vision for the family? For herself? Is she happy now? What might make her happy? What would she do if money were no object? How much money does she want? What's more important for her?

I mean, let's break this down a bit:

"Its weird, she doesnt get finances (I handle it) and she doesnt see that I can't make us financially fairfooted forever on my own (IMO)."

OK. If she does not get it, you need to explain it to her. And you need to listen to her response. Are you guys building up debt to sustain your lifestyle and she does not get that? Are their goals on which you both agree for which you are not saving? And (here's that word again) listen to her. Acknowledge that you might be wrong about the sustainability of one income. Maybe y'all are living a life she does not want. Maybe she would be willing to spend 50% less and get rid of the goals in order not to work. Who knows. But you each need to understand the facts of your life together.

Also, this "She then stares blankly so I suggested something with a decent shot of getting a job she'll like with availability to have her be part time, the way she wants with kids and all" gave me pause.

You have done a great job of solving what you think her problem is. But you really have no idea what was behind that blank stare. You clearly care for her and want to make things as easy on her as reasonably possible. But you can't really do that until you understand what she thinks and feels and why.

Good luck. Not an easy situation for sure.

This is your winner, right here.

JPhillips · 12-09-2011, 12:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rizon

Sounds like my ex-wife. When we first got together she was going to college and working full time. By the time we split she was working 10-15 hours a week and had been out of college for years.

Give someone the opportunity to stay home or work, and they'd take stay home. I know I'd rather stay home with the kids than sit behind a desk and deal with idiots and people I hate all day long.

Have you stayed at home with the kids for any length of time? I stayed with my daughter for six months after we adopted and I couldn't wait to get to work.

Suburban Rhythm · 12-09-2011, 12:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by albionmoonlight

Why don't you just lay out the facts for her. Explain your position that you don't see your family being able to survive on one income for the future. Also note that you wonder if she really wants to go to school or be a radiology tech.

Start, in other words, a conversation.

Then (and here is the number-one-fucking-a-most-important-thing-by-far) LISTEN to her. Like, actually do it.

What is her vision for the family? For herself? Is she happy now? What might make her happy? What would she do if money were no object? How much money does she want? What's more important for her?

I mean, let's break this down a bit:

"Its weird, she doesnt get finances (I handle it) and she doesnt see that I can't make us financially fairfooted forever on my own (IMO)."

OK. If she does not get it, you need to explain it to her. And you need to listen to her response. Are you guys building up debt to sustain your lifestyle and she does not get that? Are their goals on which you both agree for which you are not saving? And (here's that word again) listen to her. Acknowledge that you might be wrong about the sustainability of one income. Maybe y'all are living a life she does not want. Maybe she would be willing to spend 50% less and get rid of the goals in order not to work. Who knows. But you each need to understand the facts of your life together.

Also, this "She then stares blankly so I suggested something with a decent shot of getting a job she'll like with availability to have her be part time, the way she wants with kids and all" gave me pause.

You have done a great job of solving what you think her problem is. But you really have no idea what was behind that blank stare. You clearly care for her and want to make things as easy on her as reasonably possible. But you can't really do that until you understand what she thinks and feels and why.

Good luck. Not an easy situation for sure.

Bolded part is what I was ready to answer with, in a similar fashion.

How much (income) is needed to maintain the current lifestyle? How much would she need to contribute to maintain going forward? What concessions would she make to makeup the shortfall should her contribution of income go away?

Also...these thing would be easier with a flere diagram

Rizon · 12-09-2011, 12:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JPhillips

Have you stayed at home with the kids for any length of time? I stayed with my daughter for six months after we adopted and I couldn't wait to get to work.

True, true ... but I do deal with real estate agents all day long.

Autumn · 12-09-2011, 12:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ksyrup

It sounds like the whole thing was your idea to begin with and she wasn't all that excited about it, but went along with it anyway for whatever reason (not trying to delve too deeply into your personal relationship). I think you need to approach this in a way that allows her to take ownership of whatever idea it is. Assuming she acknowledges and understands that you have to be a 2-income family, this seems to be the best way to at least approach it and see where it goes.

Yes, this (and many of the other comments). I think yo'ure making a common mistake of when you ask her about this filling up that blank space with answers. This is never going to work if she's not invested in it, and so sometimes you just have to sit back and be quiet, even if it's long enough to be awkward for you, and give her space to create an answer. That's the only way to ever get her own part of the problem. Some people, including probably you, are problem solvers and it can be hard to bite your tongue, especially if you guys have been together long enough to have kind of divided up duties - you're probably the one who comes up with plans and solutions and it will take some time to jumpstart her brain for doing that as well.

JonInMiddleGA · 12-09-2011, 12:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Autumn

and give her space to create an answer.

Okay, NOW I can't hold back my negativity.

All the variations of "let her decide what she wants to do" work right up until the answer is "I'd rather just stay here, let you go be brilliant & make shit loads of money to keep me in the style which I so richly deserve". Or until that's the answer but you get some other vague b.s. response instead of that plain truth. And those vague b.s. responses almost always seem to be followed by little to no action & even less productivity.

There, I said it. That was the gigantic red flag I got from the initial post & it's by far the most common scenario I've ever run across in situations like this.

BrianD · 12-09-2011, 12:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JonInMiddleGA

Okay, NOW I can't hold back my negativity.

All the variations of "let her decide what she wants to do" work right up until the answer is "I'd rather just stay here, let you go be brilliant & make shit loads of money to keep me in the style which I so richly deserve". Or until that's the answer but you get some other vague b.s. response instead of that plain truth. And those vague b.s. responses almost always seem to be followed by little to no action & even less productivity.

There, I said it. That was the gigantic red flag I got from the initial post & it's by far the most common scenario I've ever run across in situations like this.

That is the reason I brought up the financial/budget spreadsheet. There are realities in life, and everybody makes trade-offs. There is nothing that says she (or anybody) has to work, but there are lifestyle trade-offs due to the lower household income. If she doesn't understand the finances, she isn't going to understand the options and the trade-offs. If she understand the trade-offs and still gives an answer like Jon suggests, then the problem is much different.

gstelmack · 12-09-2011, 01:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JonInMiddleGA

Okay, NOW I can't hold back my negativity.

All the variations of "let her decide what she wants to do" work right up until the answer is "I'd rather just stay here, let you go be brilliant & make shit loads of money to keep me in the style which I so richly deserve". Or until that's the answer but you get some other vague b.s. response instead of that plain truth. And those vague b.s. responses almost always seem to be followed by little to no action & even less productivity.

There, I said it. That was the gigantic red flag I got from the initial post & it's by far the most common scenario I've ever run across in situations like this.

And if that is the answer, they have more fundamental problems to work out, which is why he needs to find out if that IS the answer.

Autumn · 12-09-2011, 01:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JonInMiddleGA

Okay, NOW I can't hold back my negativity.

All the variations of "let her decide what she wants to do" work right up until the answer is "I'd rather just stay here, let you go be brilliant & make shit loads of money to keep me in the style which I so richly deserve". Or until that's the answer but you get some other vague b.s. response instead of that plain truth. And those vague b.s. responses almost always seem to be followed by little to no action & even less productivity.

There, I said it. That was the gigantic red flag I got from the initial post & it's by far the most common scenario I've ever run across in situations like this.

They both have to decide what's an acceptable solution. But my impression is that Flasch has up 'til now tried to answer the problem for her, and clearly that's not working. Making her come up with an answer, and giving her time to give an answer, are different than putting up with any answer.

I mean we've probably all seen it in parenting - sometimes it's hard to shut your mouth as a parent and give the kid time to come up with an answer. I have several friends who are like this just in conversation. They take longer to come up with a comment or response, and I have to bite back on the tendency to fill up that awkward silence, because if I do they never get a chance to start.

JonInMiddleGA · 12-09-2011, 01:56 PM

Just FTR, it's not like Autumn's post was the one that pushed me over the edge or something, it just happened to be the one I replied to.

spleen1015 · 12-09-2011, 01:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JonInMiddleGA

Okay, NOW I can't hold back my negativity.

All the variations of "let her decide what she wants to do" work right up until the answer is "I'd rather just stay here, let you go be brilliant & make shit loads of money to keep me in the style which I so richly deserve". Or until that's the answer but you get some other vague b.s. response instead of that plain truth. And those vague b.s. responses almost always seem to be followed by little to no action & even less productivity.

There, I said it. That was the gigantic red flag I got from the initial post & it's by far the most common scenario I've ever run across in situations like this.

No one said he should accept what she wants. He need to find out and work it from there.

Flasch186 · 12-09-2011, 02:12 PM

Fwiw, at lunch I tepidly brought up her one class and its needs for this spring and she didn't seem to bring up any consternation. I recognize that it might be tough for her to talk about it with me right now.

Daimyo · 12-09-2011, 02:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JonInMiddleGA

Okay, NOW I can't hold back my negativity.

All the variations of "let her decide what she wants to do" work right up until the answer is "I'd rather just stay here, let you go be brilliant & make shit loads of money to keep me in the style which I so richly deserve". Or until that's the answer but you get some other vague b.s. response instead of that plain truth. And those vague b.s. responses almost always seem to be followed by little to no action & even less productivity.

There, I said it. That was the gigantic red flag I got from the initial post & it's by far the most common scenario I've ever run across in situations like this.

Agreed. The problem is that if her base condition is "stay home and do nothing" its hard for her to find something better and take action. I went through something similar and my wife eventually came to the agreement that she had to earn some income. She found a crappy job and once that became the base condition she naturally started taking action on upgrading to a better career.

ISiddiqui · 12-09-2011, 03:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BrianD

That is the reason I brought up the financial/budget spreadsheet. There are realities in life, and everybody makes trade-offs. There is nothing that says she (or anybody) has to work, but there are lifestyle trade-offs due to the lower household income. If she doesn't understand the finances, she isn't going to understand the options and the trade-offs. If she understand the trade-offs and still gives an answer like Jon suggests, then the problem is much different.

I agree with this as well. If she doesn't understand finances and budgeting, sit down with her and all the household financial stuff until she does get that one income ain't going to work. Let her see why it is so important she gets some gainful employement.

And then if the response is something like Jon said (which may end up being the case), then you have a bigger issue.

But if she doesn't understand the situation, do everything you can to make her first. Sometimes people do things because they don't fully realize the consequence & for most people whatever, but for your wife you can't really say whatever.

sterlingice · 12-09-2011, 04:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rizon

Sounds like my ex-wife. When we first got together she was going to college and working full time. By the time we split she was working 10-15 hours a week and had been out of college for years.

Give someone the opportunity to stay home or work, and they'd take stay home. I know I'd rather stay home with the kids than sit behind a desk and deal with idiots and people I hate all day long.

My wife makes more than I do and I'd love to stay home but there's no way I could consider it.

And if you have to frame it "if you give {your spouse} the opportunity", then you've got a lot deeper problems to worry about

SI

CU Tiger · 12-09-2011, 05:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JonInMiddleGA

Okay, NOW I can't hold back my negativity.

All the variations of "let her decide what she wants to do" work right up until the answer is "I'd rather just stay here, let you go be brilliant & make shit loads of money to keep me in the style which I so richly deserve". Or until that's the answer but you get some other vague b.s. response instead of that plain truth. And those vague b.s. responses almost always seem to be followed by little to no action & even less productivity.

There, I said it. That was the gigantic red flag I got from the initial post & it's by far the most common scenario I've ever run across in situations like this.

Spoiled princess syndrome....know it well.
It works fine as long as the man is willing to be the slaving knight to satisfy the princess....but fuck one little damsel in distress and they go all to shit.

All jokes aside. She needs to take a mature approach to finances. As do you. Look at what is spent versus what is earned. Discuss what can be reduced on the output side, and then if the choice is the input must increase (and you both have to agree on that conclusoion or you cant move to the next step) explain there are 2 choices either she contributes some, or you have to find a second/different job to increase the income. If she jumps at the uou working 2 and her 0 idea...seek marriage counseling.

Doug5984 · 12-09-2011, 06:13 PM

I wish I could be a stay at home mom.... a lot better than working tax seasons.

In seriousness I agree with Jon & Daimyo. I have a friend in a similar situation, she hasn't worked for a year and a half now....now that he wants her to do something it's hard to get her to do anything about it- and why should she? He works his ass off to provide everything, he won't push the issue to hard, and she's happy in their lifestyle as it is and doesn't have to do anything. He'd like her to work so he can start saving up for the future / pay off loans quicker. I know it eats at him, he tells me but he won't do anything about it- so it'll probably end very badly eventually.

albionmoonlight · 12-09-2011, 06:40 PM

Fwiw, my advice about listening does not assume that she is"right." That's part of what good listening and good communications will figure out.

cuervo72 · 12-09-2011, 07:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Doug5984

I wish I could be a stay at home mom.... a lot better than working tax seasons.

In seriousness I agree with Jon & Daimyo. I have a friend in a similar situation, she hasn't worked for a year and a half now....now that he wants her to do something it's hard to get her to do anything about it- and why should she? He works his ass off to provide everything, he won't push the issue to hard, and she's happy in their lifestyle as it is and doesn't have to do anything. He'd like her to work so he can start saving up for the future / pay off loans quicker. I know it eats at him, he tells me but he won't do anything about it- so it'll probably end very badly eventually.

And she'll get half or more anyway.

lighthousekeeper · 12-11-2011, 09:03 AM

this thread hits home for me. my wife stopped working over 7 years ago when we had our first kid. at the time we didn't discuss how long she would be out of work. i guess i assumed a couple years, and i guess she assumed forever. now she simply won't go back to work. any prodding from me just leads to arguments. fortunately (for her especially) i make enough to support the family comfortably, i enjoy working, and enjoy living a modest lifestyle, so it's not like i'm looking to take time off or have more money, and i can't readily use the argument that we absolutely *need* the extra money. but a coniditon of us having our 2nd kid was an agreement that she would go back to work when that kid turned 3, which was almost 2 years ago, and her response since has basically been 'i changed my mind'.

Flasch186 · 12-11-2011, 11:51 AM

well we'll see. Some probing from me has not led to her exposing if she has these feelings about it so Im just gonna ride it out and see what happens. She has a class this spring and then the program starts in the fall. Ill keep you updated.

MacroGuru · 12-11-2011, 11:58 AM

Well...I don't know if I have anything positive to add to this thread...

My story was eerily similar. I worked my ass off, she did work a lot too. Even through the first two kids. Then when my youngest came around and I was pulling in a really good income I was ok with her taking some time off. Then she started refusing to go back to work.

I was gone constantly working my ass off and she was home doing whatever the hell she wanted. Well, we know what has happened so far...we are coming up on final papers and everything soon for the divorce and she still expects me to take care of her...on top of the kids and it's going to take the beat down from the judge to tell her to get off her ass and go get a job.

molson · 12-11-2011, 12:04 PM

I wouldn't rule out just regular, shooting-the-shit venting either. She doesn't have to be excited about it all the time, she just has to know it (or some other job/school) has to happen for the family. It's much different scenario than just refusing to go back to work or school (which is pretty common too.)

Flasch186 · 12-11-2011, 12:10 PM

Im hopeful she was just venting about being unhappy about going back to school. Thats fine. She doesnt have to be happy with it.

tarcone · 12-11-2011, 12:16 PM

Im looking at this and seeing wy wifes sister. Except its reversed. Her husband (both had been married before, her once, him twice), was on the verge of losing his federal government job a couple years ago (how? He didnt show up to work a lot). He is on 50% disability from illness and something happened when he was in the military. Before he lost his job, he quit and started a small business selling Rainbow vacuum cleaners. Setting up, I could tell it wouldnt work. My SIL, who is a teacher, was doing most of the work. My FIL as well. While the husband found excuses not to be around. Once it got started, he was in money making mode. Was going to be a millionaire. But he couldnt/wouldnt do the work and they closed up shop in about 9 months. Surprise, surprise.
He hasnt worked since. He is trying to get 100% disability. For the last 1 1/2 to 2 years. Still hasnt gotten it. Still not working.
Oh, and he has 4 kids from the 2 previous marriages and child support to pay. And she has 2 kids from the previous marriage.
My SIL complains they have no money. Constantly. But they have directv, and high speed internet and iphones and 5 chihuaus.
But they have no money.
Of course it is everyone elses fault. The exes, or the kids. Everyone but themselves.
This is a very unhappy household. And it is a drain on my wife because she has to listen to the negativity that constantly comes from my SILs mouth.
Its a sad situation, made sadder by the fact that this guy acts 15. He is not a very mature person.
I have given my wife suggestions to help my SIL, but my wife is reluctant to say anything, because my SIL will contradict her or blame someone.

I am keeping tabs on this thread to see if I can pull nuggets to help my wife help her sister. Keep with the ideas, please.

Swaggs · 12-11-2011, 12:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by molson

I wouldn't rule out just regular, shooting-the-shit venting either. She doesn't have to be excited about it all the time, she just has to know it (or some other job/school) has to happen for the family. It's much different scenario than just refusing to go back to work or school (which is pretty common too.)

This is what I was thinking, too. It may be all of the theories that have already been suggested, but it is just as likely that she is really not looking forward to school and the work/stress that come with it. I'm back in school now and bitch about it pretty often, but it doesn't mean that I don't want to finish and to have the benefits of the completed degree/training. Venting seems pretty likely, to me.

Good luck, in any case.

Drake · 12-11-2011, 02:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mizzou B-ball fan

Is it in your best interest to support her no matter what she decides to do as long as you all can still makes ends meet? Probably.

This. She will resent the hell out of you if she feels railroaded. Given that she's blathering this sort of thing to friends instead of telling you directly,that indicates to me that she's got at least some variety of passive-aggressive resentment patterns in her "dealing with conflict" coping mechanisms...which unfortunately means that her tendency is going to be to blame you for her life feeling unfulfilling anyway.

(I love this subset of people, btw. I'm not happy with my life. I don't have a plan to fix it, or any plan I come up with is more work than I want to put in, so it's easier to just sit back and blame you for not making my life better/more interesting than it is.)

So what do you do? Support her. Encourage her. Don't plan for her. Try to avoid building up your own resentments because she's not holding up her end of the bargain.

For what it's worth, my wife was a stay-at-home-mom for the first 15 years of our marriage. Didn't know what she wanted to do with her life, etc. Resented the hell out of me for it. Now she's an RN, making good money, and frequently resents the hell out of the fact that she working. Life goes on.

Drake · 12-11-2011, 02:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by molson

I wouldn't rule out just regular, shooting-the-shit venting either. She doesn't have to be excited about it all the time, she just has to know it (or some other job/school) has to happen for the family. It's much different scenario than just refusing to go back to work or school (which is pretty common too.)

I'm going to agree with this, too. I don't know about you, but I hate my job. Love the people I work with, but I'm an English major doing IT. I have absolutely zero passion for -- but thankfully, happen to be pretty damned good at, because programming pays a hell of a lot better than a BA in English has the right to expect. If I hated the people I worked with, my entire career would be a nightmare.

But I'm a guy, and we're pretty much all been inculcated with the belief that you don't have to like your job, you just have to do whatever it takes to provide. My wife doesn't have to do that, nor does she have that mindset. I mentioned above that she' an RN. She's an RN making $14/hr in an LPN position because I'd rather have her happy(er) at the place she's working with a population she cares about than making $30/hr working in an ER or a nursing home, which we know from her first job experiences that she absolutely hates.

(Hells, after 15 years, I'm just happy to have any second income that isn't my second job bringing it in...but it definitely makes thing easier that my wife doesn't completely hate her job. It's hard to quantify this exactly -- my wife is bipolar, so sometimes she loves her job and it's her life's calling; other times she hates it and wants to quit right now...and neither mood necessarily has anything to do with the actual job itself. Like her husband, how it gets characterized has to do with her med status and manic-depressive stages rather than reality.)

12-09-2011, 10:07 AM	#2
JonInMiddleGA Hall Of Famer Join Date: Nov 2000 Location: Behind Enemy Lines in Athens, GA	Your best bet for a truly happy resolution might be to hit the Powerball. You don't need the negative vibes I'd probably give off on this one so I'm gonna try to stay out of it I think. I'd have stayed silent altogether but that'd seem like I just didn't give a shit, which isn't the case. __________________ "I lit another cigarette. Unless I specifically inform you to the contrary, I am always lighting another cigarette." - from a novel by Martin Amis

12-09-2011, 10:08 AM	#3
JPhillips Hall Of Famer Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Newburgh, NY	If you want her to have something to be excited about the rad tech doesn't sound like the thing. What does she dream about doing? Is there a way to turn that into money? If you approach it as a conversation about getting her ass working it won't go over well. __________________ To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.. - Mr. Rogers

12-09-2011, 10:13 AM	#4
Ksyrup This guy has posted so much, his fingers are about to fall off. Join Date: Nov 2000 Location: In Absentia	I agree with JP - the part I keyed on was, " I want her to go to school, to have something for herself, to be excited about it, and contribute financially to the family ($ or benefits)." That's gonna take her buy-in, whatever it is. You can't make her excited about something, or project your excitement about it onto her. It sounds like the whole thing was your idea to begin with and she wasn't all that excited about it, but went along with it anyway for whatever reason (not trying to delve too deeply into your personal relationship). I think you need to approach this in a way that allows her to take ownership of whatever idea it is. Assuming she acknowledges and understands that you have to be a 2-income family, this seems to be the best way to at least approach it and see where it goes. __________________ M's pitcher Miguel Batista: "Now, I feel like I've had everything. I've talked pitching with Sandy Koufax, had Kenny G play for me. Maybe if I could have an interview with God, then I'd be served. I'd be complete." Last edited by Ksyrup : 12-09-2011 at 10:14 AM.

12-09-2011, 10:18 AM	#7
Ksyrup This guy has posted so much, his fingers are about to fall off. Join Date: Nov 2000 Location: In Absentia	See if you can get her to start mining Mt. Kate Upton. From the posts in that thread, apparently there's gold in them thar hills. __________________ M's pitcher Miguel Batista: "Now, I feel like I've had everything. I've talked pitching with Sandy Koufax, had Kenny G play for me. Maybe if I could have an interview with God, then I'd be served. I'd be complete."

12-09-2011, 10:27 AM	#10
Ksyrup This guy has posted so much, his fingers are about to fall off. Join Date: Nov 2000 Location: In Absentia	Well then that has to be step one, to get her to understand that. I sometimes have the same problem with my wife, especially on finances - she lets me handle everything and pretty much goes along with whatever I say about things. It's hard to pull out an opposing opinion from her when ordinarily, she has no opinion or just goes with whatever I say. __________________ M's pitcher Miguel Batista: "Now, I feel like I've had everything. I've talked pitching with Sandy Koufax, had Kenny G play for me. Maybe if I could have an interview with God, then I'd be served. I'd be complete."

12-09-2011, 10:14 AM	#5
Mizzou B-ball fan General Manager Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: Kansas City, MO	Are you correct? Maybe. Is it in your best interest to support her no matter what she decides to do as long as you all can still makes ends meet? Probably.

12-09-2011, 10:38 AM	#11
albionmoonlight Head Coach Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: North Carolina	Why don't you just lay out the facts for her. Explain your position that you don't see your family being able to survive on one income for the future. Also note that you wonder if she really wants to go to school or be a radiology tech. Start, in other words, a conversation. Then (and here is the number-one-fucking-a-most-important-thing-by-far) LISTEN to her. Like, actually do it. What is her vision for the family? For herself? Is she happy now? What might make her happy? What would she do if money were no object? How much money does she want? What's more important for her? I mean, let's break this down a bit: "Its weird, she doesnt get finances (I handle it) and she doesnt see that I can't make us financially fairfooted forever on my own (IMO)." OK. If she does not get it, you need to explain it to her. And you need to listen to her response. Are you guys building up debt to sustain your lifestyle and she does not get that? Are their goals on which you both agree for which you are not saving? And (here's that word again) listen to her. Acknowledge that you might be wrong about the sustainability of one income. Maybe y'all are living a life she does not want. Maybe she would be willing to spend 50% less and get rid of the goals in order not to work. Who knows. But you each need to understand the facts of your life together. Also, this "She then stares blankly so I suggested something with a decent shot of getting a job she'll like with availability to have her be part time, the way she wants with kids and all" gave me pause. You have done a great job of solving what you think her problem is. But you really have no idea what was behind that blank stare. You clearly care for her and want to make things as easy on her as reasonably possible. But you can't really do that until you understand what she thinks and feels and why. Good luck. Not an easy situation for sure.

12-09-2011, 10:46 AM	#12
BrianD Grizzled Veteran Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Appleton, WI	If you have a "team pact" and you approach your marriage as a team, finances should be included in the team. Put your long-term finances and current budget into a spreadsheet and go over it with her. Between the two of you, look at what you can do with one income and discuss whether you would be happy with that lifestyle. If you both agree that you are not happy with that lifestyle, then you can turn the conversation into how to change. Make her be part of the decision of not working and living with less, or working and living with more. If she agrees that it is better to work and have the extra income, then you can turn the conversation into what kind of work she'd be willing to do.

12-09-2011, 10:48 AM	#13
JediKooter Coordinator Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: San Diego via Sausalito via San Jose via San Diego	In a perfect world, we'd all love to stay home, but, last I checked, this isn't a perfect world. Sounds like you have to communicate in terms that she would get, since she doesn't understand the family's financial situation, current and future. I understand having kids, but, if they are older and not babies or toddlers or in the 4th grade, they'll be fine if she works during the day. Are there annual vacations you take or certain 'luxuries' that you guys have, whether it's every day/week/month/year? Sometimes people don't understand the situation they are in until the things they are used to having are either threatened or gone. It sounds like your wife already knows you will be upset if you know her feelings on this, which throws up a couple of red flags to me. One is, she thinks you will be upset (and by reading your post, you are) and I see your point as to why you would be. The second one is, her not knowing your family's finances. That worries me (and I don't mean anything mean by this), because, what would happen if something happened to you? Sounds like she wouldn't be able to take care of things, regardless if she has the resources to. Perhaps if she was more involved in the household finances, it would be easier on everyone in general and easier for everyone to understand the 'whys' and 'whats', of this situation? That's just my outside observation from the information you provided. __________________ I'm no longer a Chargers fan, they are dead to me Coming this summer to a movie theater near you: The Adventures of Jedikooter: Part 4

12-09-2011, 10:50 AM	#14
stevew Hall Of Famer Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: the yo'	I feel for you man. I've been dealing with similar issues the last 2.5 years. Wife gets laid off, can't find anything. Works on Masters degree, ends up getting it. However nobody is hiring education right now, so that is basically a waste. Applies to jobs, can't get hired anywhere. Meanwhile we're taking on financial water left and right, and I'm trying to finish my degree. I overhear her make statements like. "I'm so frustrated looking for a job that I've just about given up" Shit to that effect. And you couple that with things like actually her getting multiple interviews for good jobs, which inevitably result in the company never having the decency to send an rejection letter.

12-09-2011, 10:54 AM	#15
spleen1015 Coordinator Join Date: Sep 2003	My wife used to be in IT along with me and made decent money as a contractor. She worked some where for 3 years and her contract was ended. After 3 months on the bench, she didn't have another placement yet, so she started looking for a different type of job. She ended up going through a temp agency and found a job as an assistant to a woman who runs a small insurance company. She started out making about 30% of what she was in IT. The difference was, she loved it. Today, she an insurance agent and she has taken over most of her bosses clients and has an assistant of her own. I didn't like it for a long time because she can do so much more achieve a lot more. She's happy though. She loves her job. I'll take a wife that comes home happy every day than one who makes a lot of money but is miserable doing it. I think you should talk to your wife about it and she what she wants to do because it sounds to me like you only want her to do what you want and that isn't fair to her.

12-09-2011, 11:08 AM	#16
miked College Starter Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: The Dirty	I think the problem is that you are deciding what you think she should do for employment, which if she's not into it, she will resent you for it. Why can't she work for your office? As has been said before, make her understand the finances and let her know how much she needs to make (or cut) to sustain the family. Let her brainstorm ideas to do it and then meet to discuss (rather than you telling her what you think she should do). I don't understand why you felt she would be peachy with it in the first place, considering the circumstances in which is was started. __________________ Commish of the United Baseball League (OOTP 6.5)

12-09-2011, 01:56 PM	#28
JonInMiddleGA Hall Of Famer Join Date: Nov 2000 Location: Behind Enemy Lines in Athens, GA	Just FTR, it's not like Autumn's post was the one that pushed me over the edge or something, it just happened to be the one I replied to. __________________ "I lit another cigarette. Unless I specifically inform you to the contrary, I am always lighting another cigarette." - from a novel by Martin Amis

12-09-2011, 02:12 PM	#30
Flasch186 Coordinator Join Date: May 2002 Location: Jacksonville, FL	Fwiw, at lunch I tepidly brought up her one class and its needs for this spring and she didn't seem to bring up any consternation. I recognize that it might be tough for her to talk about it with me right now. __________________ Jacksonville-florida-homes-for-sale Putting a New Spin on Real Estate! ----------------------------------------------------------- Commissioner of the USFL USFL

12-09-2011, 06:13 PM	#35
Doug5984 College Benchwarmer Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Louisiana	I wish I could be a stay at home mom.... a lot better than working tax seasons. In seriousness I agree with Jon & Daimyo. I have a friend in a similar situation, she hasn't worked for a year and a half now....now that he wants her to do something it's hard to get her to do anything about it- and why should she? He works his ass off to provide everything, he won't push the issue to hard, and she's happy in their lifestyle as it is and doesn't have to do anything. He'd like her to work so he can start saving up for the future / pay off loans quicker. I know it eats at him, he tells me but he won't do anything about it- so it'll probably end very badly eventually.

12-09-2011, 06:40 PM	#36
albionmoonlight Head Coach Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: North Carolina	Fwiw, my advice about listening does not assume that she is"right." That's part of what good listening and good communications will figure out.

12-11-2011, 09:03 AM	#38
lighthousekeeper College Starter Join Date: Oct 2000	this thread hits home for me. my wife stopped working over 7 years ago when we had our first kid. at the time we didn't discuss how long she would be out of work. i guess i assumed a couple years, and i guess she assumed forever. now she simply won't go back to work. any prodding from me just leads to arguments. fortunately (for her especially) i make enough to support the family comfortably, i enjoy working, and enjoy living a modest lifestyle, so it's not like i'm looking to take time off or have more money, and i can't readily use the argument that we absolutely need the extra money. but a coniditon of us having our 2nd kid was an agreement that she would go back to work when that kid turned 3, which was almost 2 years ago, and her response since has basically been 'i changed my mind'. __________________ ...

12-11-2011, 11:51 AM	#39
Flasch186 Coordinator Join Date: May 2002 Location: Jacksonville, FL	well we'll see. Some probing from me has not led to her exposing if she has these feelings about it so Im just gonna ride it out and see what happens. She has a class this spring and then the program starts in the fall. Ill keep you updated. __________________ Jacksonville-florida-homes-for-sale Putting a New Spin on Real Estate! ----------------------------------------------------------- Commissioner of the USFL USFL

12-11-2011, 11:58 AM	#40
MacroGuru Coordinator Join Date: May 2003 Location: Utah	Well...I don't know if I have anything positive to add to this thread... My story was eerily similar. I worked my ass off, she did work a lot too. Even through the first two kids. Then when my youngest came around and I was pulling in a really good income I was ok with her taking some time off. Then she started refusing to go back to work. I was gone constantly working my ass off and she was home doing whatever the hell she wanted. Well, we know what has happened so far...we are coming up on final papers and everything soon for the divorce and she still expects me to take care of her...on top of the kids and it's going to take the beat down from the judge to tell her to get off her ass and go get a job. __________________ "forgetting what is in the past, I strive for the future"

12-11-2011, 12:04 PM	#41
molson General Manager Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: The Mountains	I wouldn't rule out just regular, shooting-the-shit venting either. She doesn't have to be excited about it all the time, she just has to know it (or some other job/school) has to happen for the family. It's much different scenario than just refusing to go back to work or school (which is pretty common too.)

12-11-2011, 12:10 PM	#42
Flasch186 Coordinator Join Date: May 2002 Location: Jacksonville, FL	Im hopeful she was just venting about being unhappy about going back to school. Thats fine. She doesnt have to be happy with it. __________________ Jacksonville-florida-homes-for-sale Putting a New Spin on Real Estate! ----------------------------------------------------------- Commissioner of the USFL USFL

12-11-2011, 12:16 PM	#43
tarcone Coordinator Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Pacific	Im looking at this and seeing wy wifes sister. Except its reversed. Her husband (both had been married before, her once, him twice), was on the verge of losing his federal government job a couple years ago (how? He didnt show up to work a lot). He is on 50% disability from illness and something happened when he was in the military. Before he lost his job, he quit and started a small business selling Rainbow vacuum cleaners. Setting up, I could tell it wouldnt work. My SIL, who is a teacher, was doing most of the work. My FIL as well. While the husband found excuses not to be around. Once it got started, he was in money making mode. Was going to be a millionaire. But he couldnt/wouldnt do the work and they closed up shop in about 9 months. Surprise, surprise. He hasnt worked since. He is trying to get 100% disability. For the last 1 1/2 to 2 years. Still hasnt gotten it. Still not working. Oh, and he has 4 kids from the 2 previous marriages and child support to pay. And she has 2 kids from the previous marriage. My SIL complains they have no money. Constantly. But they have directv, and high speed internet and iphones and 5 chihuaus. But they have no money. Of course it is everyone elses fault. The exes, or the kids. Everyone but themselves. This is a very unhappy household. And it is a drain on my wife because she has to listen to the negativity that constantly comes from my SILs mouth. Its a sad situation, made sadder by the fact that this guy acts 15. He is not a very mature person. I have given my wife suggestions to help my SIL, but my wife is reluctant to say anything, because my SIL will contradict her or blame someone. I am keeping tabs on this thread to see if I can pull nuggets to help my wife help her sister. Keep with the ideas, please.

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