A relationship question...

[ISiddiqui]

... kind of. Or at the very least I figure it'd help to ask and find out opinions. Or, heck, perhaps this is a 'journal' to get it off my chest.

Anyways, met this woman on the first weekend of June at a Church Synod Assembly. We hit it off right away. End up hanging out in the hotel bar until closing time and then spent a few hours in my room (we have a liberal church). We had a fantastic time and if it ended as a one night stand thing (since she lives 3 hours away from me), I would have been fairly happy. But we started chatting again the next day and after a kiss goodbye that turned into a texting conversation, which blossomed into a desire to kind of continue to see where it goes.

So we had been texting every day for a few hours a day. Getting to know each other decently well. Talked on the phone a few times. You know, in a long distance relationship sometimes date night is on a phone. And we were getting pretty close.

So I visited her this past weekend (3 weeks after we first met) and it went fantastic. In every possible way. And on Saturday I was joking around (when washing dishes) that I was auditioning for the part of boyfriend. I was expected some sort of playful response back, but I got a "as far as I'm concerned, you already got the part". So much for sitting down an having "the talk" - probably the quickest one I've had of that.

So we put the relationship up on Facebook (and this is where it gets weird). I left on Sunday, everything was great. But all of a sudden on Tuesday the text conversation gets weird - she's far less playful and coming across flat. Wed is even worse.

So I ask her to call me in the evening and when I ask her about it being strange, she mentioned that she felt things were moving too fast and she freaked out about it on Tuesday, but was feeling a bit better about it today (Wed) and will likely process it on Thurs. The moving fast part seemed to focus on the relationship being on Facebook and her being asked about it and then it finally hit her. Ok, fair enough. She took off the "announcement" of the relationship on Facebook, but still is listed as being in a relationship with me. And wanted to take the relationship slower. In that 10 min convo I also found out that she split up with her last bf in March, so I wonder if I was initially supposed to be more of a rebound thing than something that gets serious (though she was treating it as more serious than that for sure)

I said I'd be fine on that... however, I'm curious as to what that means in the context of a long distance thing. Obviously someone said something or perhaps mentioned isn't 3 weeks too soon to be 'in a relationship'

Sooo... I'm just wondering, did I rush it (we were both more than fine to be "Facebook Official")? And secondly I think I'm equally prepared for it to go either way - either she deals with where we are now and its slightly awkward slow for a few days before it gets back to where it was, or she decides she's not ready for a relationship yet. Obv I'd prefer the former.

I'm leaving the ball in her court. We've texted each other every day (and prior to this week at serious length), but I figure I'd let her make the move and if I don't hear from her, maybe contact her tomorrow. The waiting is always the sucky part. Any advice? or suggestions? I realize this may be a wall of text.. oops.

[Suicane75]

Oh FFS.

(For Facebook Sakes)

[ISiddiqui]

Originally Posted by Suicane75

Oh FFS.

(For Facebook Sakes)

LOL. True dat. For further info - I'm 35, she's 26. I'm kind of at the age where I'm like if I like someone and want to be exclusive, I'm not one to wait around for some pre-determined time if both of us seem game (something she was more than fine with at the time, of course).

[JonInMiddleGA]

That "facebook official" stuff seems to almost always lead to trouble / stress / something non-positive. Factor in the age difference, seems like the odds of that are even higher.

Free advice: Live your lives, screw issuing a press release about it. (not how you intended that FB deal I know, but that's about what it amounts to). It invites people to poke their two cents in & most folks two cents are worth about a tenth of that if you're lucky.

[heybrad]

I don't know if this is helpful and you probably already know this... I immediately was struck by the Facebook announcement. What good could come from that this early in a relationship? Focus on what the two of you want. Don't worry about sharing it with the world. Let that happen naturally.

[Suicane75]

Honestly man, the whole giving a fuck about facebook thing seems sort of nuts to me, but I admit to not being hip to that shit. Reading your posts it set off a lot of whistles in my head. I'd be willing to bet she's going to be a handful emotionally, but if the other shit (you know what I'm saying) makes it worthwhile, go for it.

[ISiddiqui]

Yeah, I know that now . At the time I figured it was cute and worked for both of us. Though I think JIMG had the jist - it allowed people to poke their two cents in and probably got overwhelming for her. Maybe my friends are just strange as they tend to not poke their two cents into something like that - at least not directly to me.

[ISiddiqui]

Originally Posted by Suicane75

I'd be willing to bet she's going to be a handful emotionally, but if the other shit (you know what I'm saying) makes it worthwhile, go for it.

Seriously, these bells are kind of going off in my head. And the too early Facebook posting may end up being a blessing in disguise. The other shit (and yes I know) does indeed make it worthwile (it made it worthwile to pursue a long distance thing when generally I'm not a fan of that), but there is definitely a hot/crazy line.

[jeff061]

Originally Posted by JonInMiddleGA

That "facebook official" stuff seems to almost always lead to trouble / stress / something non-positive. Factor in the age difference, seems like the odds of that are even higher.

Free advice: Live your lives, screw issuing a press release about it. (not how you intended that FB deal I know, but that's about what it amounts to). It invites people to poke their two cents in & most folks two cents are worth about a tenth of that if you're lucky.

Yeah, I took it to the other end of the spectrum. I actively refused to go Facebook official for years until we got engaged. Even then I didn't want to, but caved out of respect for the future wife.

Nothing good ever seems to come out of taking Facebook too seriously.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by ISiddiqui

Yeah, I know that now . At the time I figured it was cute and worked for both of us. Though I think JIMG had the jist - it allowed people to poke their two cents in and probably got overwhelming for her. Maybe my friends are just strange as they tend to not poke their two cents into something like that - at least not directly to me.

Chick behavior vs guy behavior.

We may talk about it behind your back but mostly we ain't gonna say nothing to you, just let you work out your own deal.

Chicks? They seem genetically predispositioned to start messing with shit, typically to fuck it up.

[Peregrine]

Originally Posted by ISiddiqui

Anyways, met this woman on the first weekend of June at a Church Synod Assembly. We hit it off right away. End up hanging out in the hotel bar until closing time and then spent a few hours in my room

I think I need to start hanging out at more Church Synods.

[ISiddiqui]

Originally Posted by JonInMiddleGA

Chick behavior vs guy behavior.

We may talk about it behind your back but mostly we ain't gonna say nothing to you, just let you work out your own deal.

Chicks? They seem genetically predispositioned to start messing with shit, typically to fuck it up.

Oh, I got a ton of women friends. The most I may have gotten was "I see the weekend went well". Then again, like I said, I'm 35 - my friends are all around that age or older.

[Chief Rum]

Imran, congrats on the relationship, even if it ends up being no such thing.

How long was she with her last BF? Has she said if she was in love with him? How did it end? That sort of thing can have lasting effects (i.e. "baggage") on future relationships.

[Chief Rum]

Originally Posted by ISiddiqui

Oh, I got a ton of women friends. The most I may have gotten was "I see the weekend went well". Then again, like I said, I'm 35 - my friends are all around that age or older.

Yeah, but Jon's right. Your women friends may be women--but you're a man. They'll treat you different. When it's another woman, the claws come out.

Note that men don't really have frenemies. We more or less divide our stronger male connections as either friend or enemy. Lol

[ISiddiqui]

Originally Posted by Chief Rum

Imran, congrats on the relationship, even if it ends up being no such thing.

How long was she with her last BF? Has she said if she was in love with him? How did it end? That sort of thing can have lasting effects (i.e. "baggage") on future relationships.

Thanks! And if it only lasts a week as a relationship, well at least it was a fun 3 weeks before that .

As for those questions, I dunno. I wasn't sure it'd be appropriate to grill her on those questions as she's talking about feeling our relationship was moving too fast. I'm not entirely sure, but I don't think it ended well. I seemingly remember something about her mom being happy she was seeing me (other interesting wrinkle, I know her mother and she basically was the one who set us up), and part of it sounded like her mom thought it was good for her to get over a previous relationship (though I can't know for sure).

There seems like some baggage may be a part of it. In addition (speaking of bells going off), I mentioned something about the talk being good so I wouldn't worry about things being off and she mentioned well, since we've known each other for 3 weeks maybe worrying is ok - and it'd be useful for dealing with her mood swings... Yeeeeeahhh.. so maybe I really am ok with it going either way .

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by Chief Rum

Yeah, but Jon's right. Your women friends may be women--but you're a man. They'll treat you different. When it's another woman, the claws come out.

Note that men don't really have frenemies. We more or less divide our stronger male connections as either friend or enemy. Lol

CR hits it square on.

[JAG]

I'm leaving the ball in her court. We've texted each other every day (and prior to this week at serious length), but I figure I'd let her make the move and if I don't hear from her, maybe contact her tomorrow. The waiting is always the sucky part. Any advice? or suggestions? I realize this may be a wall of text.. oops.

Don't leave the ball in her court. If you want to talk to her or text her, go for it and don't worry about how anyone interprets things. If she doesn't write back / gives an excuse not to talk, so be it, but do what you want to do. Life's too short to play games and not be true to your feelings. My two cents, from someone who hasn't dated in ages.

[EagleFan]

Good luck and congrats. Nothing else to add that hasn't been said.

[MrBug708]

When did your last relationship end? I remember there being issues with a concert there and not sure what to do? If I recall there was a little gunshyness with talking to her about that.

I did remember seeing the FB post about the new relationship

[LastWhiteSoxFanStanding]

If you only have known somebody for 3 weeks in a long distance capacity then you definitely shouldn't add them as a facebook relationship. You should only put down a Facebook relationship if you are reasonably certain that the thing is going to work out. And at three weeks, it is just too early and seems sort of needy.

[ISiddiqui]

Originally Posted by MrBug708

When did your last relationship end? I remember there being issues with a concert there and not sure what to do? If I recall there was a little gunshyness with talking to her about that.

February. Though that concert thing basically was the beginning of the end. I think I knew I was not into her anymore by Christmas. I think some of that gunshyness made me more willing to approach new woman more directly.

Originally Posted by LastWhiteSoxFanStanding

If you only have known somebody for 3 weeks in a long distance capacity then you definitely shouldn't add them as a facebook relationship. You should only put down a Facebook relationship if you are reasonably certain that the thing is going to work out. And at three weeks, it is just too early and seems sort of needy.

I don't think she had a problem with the Facebook post (she was totally good with it), per se. She had an issue with the seeming comments as a result of it. Said comments or remarks probably made her freak out or rethink the decision. Which also makes me wonder about her self-confidence (generally speaking if someone tells me something is not good, I'm not going to fold like a house of cards - if anything I may air my concerns with the other person and talk them through).

[molson]

Originally Posted by ISiddiqui

Though that concert thing basically was the beginning of the end.

I had to go back and look at that thread, I remember having a strong opinion. ....I'm glad you moved on from that situation, and I'm still bewildered that so many posters had a problem with how you reacted to that.

[Alan T]

Unfortunately I am not much help here as it's been quite a while for me since i was dating and Facebook was not around then.

Just wanted to comment that I saw your pictures with her last weekend and thought she was pretty cute and I suddenly was wondering what ever happened to your previous girlfriend. I guess I totally missed the concert thread, or just didn't remember it!

And no, it is not weird that I remember your past several serious relationships :/

[Umbrella]

Originally Posted by ISiddiqui

Seriously, these bells are kind of going off in my head. And the too early Facebook posting may end up being a blessing in disguise. The other shit (and yes I know) does indeed make it worthwile (it made it worthwile to pursue a long distance thing when generally I'm not a fan of that), but there is definitely a hot/crazy line.

Obligatory every time hot/crazy line is mentioned.

[ISiddiqui]

Originally Posted by Alan T

And no, it is not weird that I remember your past several serious relationships :/

HA!

And thanks for that, Umbrella. I generally think of the How I Met Your Mother hot/crazy line, but that works too .

[ISiddiqui]

So I think it'll be fine. We chatted on the phone last night and I made it clear that I don't really think Facebook is determinative of anything, as she had indicated that she didn't know if she was ready for "a relationship", though she indicated that she obvious likes me. I suggested hiding our relationship statuses and just continuing to do as we do - date with no expectations or pressures. I indicated that I felt since we live 3 hours away, it was a pretty casual 'relationship' to begin with. That seemed to work well. I think she was concerned I had some sort of expectation with a relationship tag.

So, when she comes up to the city this week (mostly to visit her grandparents), we're going to hang out on Saturday and, maybe, Friday evening. So I'm hoping the awkwardness is finally gone (it feels like it is seemingly so).

[dawgfan]

Originally Posted by ISiddiqui

So I think it'll be fine. We chatted on the phone last night and I made it clear that I don't really think Facebook is determinative of anything, as she had indicated that she didn't know if she was ready for "a relationship", though she indicated that she obvious likes me. I suggested hiding our relationship statuses and just continuing to do as we do - date with no expectations or pressures. I indicated that I felt since we live 3 hours away, it was a pretty casual 'relationship' to begin with. That seemed to work well. I think she was concerned I had some sort of expectation with a relationship tag.

So, when she comes up to the city this week (mostly to visit her grandparents), we're going to hang out on Saturday and, maybe, Friday evening. So I'm hoping the awkwardness is finally gone (it feels like it is seemingly so).

I think that's the way to go. You both should just chalk-up the Facebook thing as an honest mistake and just see how things go.

It does sound to me like you'll need to take things somewhat casual with her and let the relationship - most importantly the trust - build.

As always communication is key.

[TCY Junkie]

When I am married my wife can log on and say I am in a relationship.

[ISiddiqui]

Originally Posted by dawgfan

As always communication is key.

Indeed. Esp in long distance. Though she seemed to dramatically prefer the texting. I think a phone call every once in a while definitely works much better to deal with things and for a closer conversation. Of course, I'm 35 and remember what it's like talking on the phone while she's 26 and doesn't (I'm only slightly exaggerating ).

[Honolulu_Blue]

Originally Posted by ISiddiqui

Indeed. Esp in long distance. Though she seemed to dramatically prefer the texting. I think a phone call every once in a while definitely works much better to deal with things and for a closer conversation. Of course, I'm 35 and remember what it's like talking on the phone while she's 26 and doesn't (I'm only slightly exaggerating ).

I've been back in the dating scene for several months now and it's all texting and I'm 41 and most of the women I've gone out with have been 34-39 or so. Just the way of that world nowadays.

That said, for a long distance relationship, I don't think texting is nearly enough. I did that waaay back in the day: New York-Brussels. We did a fair bit of e-mailing and instant messaging, but there lots and lots of lengthy phone calls.

[dawgfan]

Originally Posted by ISiddiqui

Indeed. Esp in long distance. Though she seemed to dramatically prefer the texting. I think a phone call every once in a while definitely works much better to deal with things and for a closer conversation. Of course, I'm 35 and remember what it's like talking on the phone while she's 26 and doesn't (I'm only slightly exaggerating ).

Yeah, it's a different world now. Texting is fine for the small stuff, but there's no way to have a meaningful conversation that way - waaaay too much that gets left out or can be misinterpreted.

[Honolulu_Blue]

Originally Posted by dawgfan

Yeah, it's a different world now. Texting is fine for the small stuff, but there's no way to have a meaningful conversation that way - waaaay too much that gets left out or can be misinterpreted.

[Alf]

Thanks for the vid. Enjoyed it

[ISiddiqui]

Oh, well... I guess I should update.

It's over. I think she just couldn't walk back from the "it went too fast". So she was being half moving forward with dating me and half slamming on the brakes. It was getting a bit annoying with trying to arrange hanging out with her on Saturday as we planned. The plans changed a bit and then she indicated that her grandma may want to go somewhere else, and she wasn't sure where it left us.

So I asked her to call me when she had a moment and just said, well it was fun, but I think its run its course. She kinda agreed and we parted as friends. Maybe we'll hook up again in the future, but if not, we can always grab a drink and reminisce about a great 3 weeks and a crappy couple after (maybe at a future Synod Assembly ).

[dawgfan]

You gotta do what you gotta do. Sounds like you wanted a little more certainty than she was able to provide at this point. If you'd wanted, it sounds like you could have let it play out a while longer to see how things would evolve - she doesn't sound like she was ready to call it off - but from my perspective you're looking for something a little more defined.

[Vince, Pt. II]

Originally Posted by Alf

Thanks for the vid. Enjoyed it

Key & Peele are pretty great. Highly recommend checking out more of them if you enjoyed that.

Edit: Also, apologies for completely disregarding the topic at hand, but you seem to have a pretty good handle on that, so I have nothing to add. Carry on

[ISiddiqui]

Thanks .

And dawgfan, she agreed that the thing had run its course (in my words). I just wonder if she was just waiting for it to just peter out. But yeah, I'm not necessarily one to let things lay around hanging.