Parents of LGBTQ kids

[GrantDawg]

We have any parents of LGBTQ kids on here? I know we have one or two LGBTQ members, but I don't know about parents.



My son came out to my wife and I as gay on Sunday. I won't say it was a total shock, but it wasn't an "of course" moment either. He just turned 18 and had never really shown any interest in anyone. I had wondered, but from what I had read you really shouldn't try to pressure kids into telling you. They have to be ready. I had just made it as clear as I could that he could tell me anything.

I am just looking for some support and knowledge. I know I can go to gay groups and such, but I really just wanted to hear from people who aren't total strangers, and that maybe wouldn't be too horrible to me when I show some legitimate ignorance. I know I am ignorant, but I am not willfully so. I want to be supportive and the best parent I can be, but I have no real life examples of caring supportive parents of LGBTQ children in my life. I have only really bad examples. Really really bad.
I also want to admit my real emotions here. I love him, and I am glad he felt he could come out to us. I am also legitimately in mourning. I recognize it, and it is making me feel guilty as hell. (I don't know how to say this next without it sounding terrible): The son I knew is now gone, and I have a new son. That is not totally what it is, but it about as close as I can get it to saying it. I accept that this is who he is, and really he hasn't changed. It just my perception of him is clearer and different than it was.
Anyway, I just wanted to know for those of you who have experienced this, how did it go for you? How did you feel? How did you handle things?
For those of you who are LGBTQ, how did you parents handle things? How did you wish they did?

[Qwikshot]

Originally Posted by GrantDawg

We have any parents of LGBTQ kids on here? I know we have one or two LGBTQ members, but I don't know about parents.



My son came out to my wife and I as gay on Sunday. I won't say it was a total shock, but it wasn't an "of course" moment either. He just turned 18 and had never really shown any interest in anyone. I had wondered, but from what I had read you really shouldn't try to pressure kids into telling you. They have to be ready. I had just made it as clear as I could that he could tell me anything.

I am just looking for some support and knowledge. I know I can go to gay groups and such, but I really just wanted to hear from people who aren't total strangers, and that maybe wouldn't be too horrible to me when I show some legitimate ignorance. I know I am ignorant, but I am not willfully so. I want to be supportive and the best parent I can be, but I have no real life examples of caring supportive parents of LGBTQ children in my life. I have only really bad examples. Really really bad.
I also want to admit my real emotions here. I love him, and I am glad he felt he could come out to us. I am also legitimately in mourning. I recognize it, and it is making me feel guilty as hell. (I don't know how to say this next without it sounding terrible): The son I knew is now gone, and I have a new son. That is not totally what it is, but it about as close as I can get it to saying it. I accept that this is who he is, and really he hasn't changed. It just my perception of him is clearer and different than it was.
Anyway, I just wanted to know for those of you who have experienced this, how did it go for you? How did you feel? How did you handle things?
For those of you who are LGBTQ, how did you parents handle things? How did you wish they did?

I don't know what to say but that it's awesome he knows he's loved enough to have that conversation with you.

I have a daughter who is gay. We really didn't have too much of a conversation, she just confirmed it and we moved on. I'm proud of her being a fully functional adult who is working two jobs, getting a 3.7 with honor scholarships and traveling. She brings a girlfriend home, we welcome them. I've always told her, long as they are good people that care and love her, then that's all that matters.

You're still processing, and that's okay. For me, she became an adult and she's proven to me time and time again that she uses good judgement. I'm very proud of her and love her to death. She knows I'll support her no matter what.

[Edward64]

Don't have a real equivalent experience as you but wanted to share two experiences somewhat related.

It's occurred to wife and me that our college age daughter may be gay. Nothing definite just who she hangs out with, her beliefs, never wanting kids etc. Forget the occasion but sometime in HS we told both kids we don't really care if they are gay, we want them to be happy, would support their choice (but don't want them bringing home folks that makes bad decisions e.g. druggies, tattoos & piercings all over, forever jobless etc.).

My daughter has a friend who is transgender. Friend's family life is horrible, essentially dad, grandmom, aunt are non supportive (unsure about step-mom but don't hear stories of her like other family members). Constant tension, friend is always worrying about being kicked out, there was a time when we offered to help friend find and pay for an apartment to get her out of the situation etc. IMO not the way to handle a child being transgender, and I know this is not how I want wife and me to handle situation if daughter is gay.

As far as your own emotions, I can't really relate, but my best advice is accept it, tell him your love is unconditional, wife does the same, make sure other family members know their acceptance is non-negotiable, hug your son and ask him "how can we support you".

Hope this helps some.

[Lathum]

The timing of this could not be any stranger. I was about to post something very similar.

My son just turned 11 and hasn't hit puberty yet. About 6 weeks or so he started telling us he was bisexual. We talked with him about it, thanked him for being open with us, and kind of moved on because, well, he is 11. He has a friend who is really into talking about stuff like that, and long before this we kind of thought that friend may be gay so we thought a lot of it came from this friend. Didn't bother us because neither of us feel like you are made gay, you are born that way.

Right before school ended he got a "girlfriend" and was excited she agreed to be his girlfriend. Fast forward a couple weeks and this past week he has told us, his nana, and a close friend he needs to break up with the "girlfriend" because he is gay.

We discussed it with him, and explained we aren't sure at his age he could really know if he is and I have started to research if he is too young to know that. There is surprisingly not a ton of helpful info out there. He has ADHD and mild Aspergers so we wrote his therapist and are meeting with her in a few weeks to discuss it.

The brutal part is he hasn't seen this "girlfriend" since school ended, so not sure how he would even break up with her. Well, last night the mom, who I don't know, emailed me saying her daughter really wants to get together with my son, invited us to come swim,etc... and they can't wait to meet us and get to know us. So basically my kid is going to scar their daughter for life because he thinks he may be gay.

As for feelings, the situation is different. My son may or may not be gay, but I think, and hope it is just some pre teen thing and he is questioning himself. I won't love my son any less, and I carry guilt for hoping it is just some phase, but I don't want his life to be difficult. There is still a shit ton of intolerance out there. I think we all want our kids to grow up, get married, have kids, etc...so when that expectation changes it can be hard but at the end of the day I would rather he knows who he is and be happy then struggle trying to be someone he isn't to meet mine or societies expectations.

[Lathum]

Originally Posted by Edward64

(but don't want them bringing home folks that makes bad decisions e.g. druggies, tattoos & piercings all over, forever jobless etc.).

Not trying to threadjack, but why would you consider the bolded bad decisions? I know several successful people who are all tatted up, myself included.

[Edward64]

Originally Posted by Lathum

Not trying to threadjack, but why would you consider the bolded bad decisions? I know several successful people who are all tatted up, myself included.

I was thinking worse case like these folks.

Shocking face tattoos - CBS News

FWIW, we "negotiated" a nose piercing. We also told her tattoos are okay if they can be hidden. Face tattoos like above link tells me you are missing a screw ... sorry if I offend anyone here.

[Lathum]

Fair enough.

[cuervo72]

/waves

Younger child came out to us at 14, I think. (Geez, five years ago??) It did not really come as a surprise to me based on some of their friend group. That's right, they -- about a year ago they informed us they would prefer gender-neutral pronouns.

Regarding the sexuality portion of things, I think even my wife is ok with that now. Though due to her upbringing/family beliefs/religion/politics/what have you, we haven't really brought it up with her family. Actually, I guess we haven't told my mom yet either -- it just doesn't often come up (we don't travel to see family often these days; I told my dad, but first he's in Thailand and second he's about as liberal on that stuff as you can get). But they have a great GF (biracial too, which also probably wouldn't thrill the in-laws) and part of me is quite content to not have to deal with boys coming around (which I think annoys my son -- "what's wrong with us guys?"). No shotgun on the porch stereotype for me, thank you.

The gender thing, that's definitely tougher for my wife. And probably a little tougher for me too. Neutral I'm fine with. Masculine would probably a little harder. As a parent, I love them how they are -- both inside and out (and for the last one, I swear everywhere we go they get compliments on their hair, piercings, overall "look"). But if that's not working for them, I understand. They've tried on a couple of different first names (also rankles my wife, as though it is invalidating her choice). Took their first low-dose T shot today. The stated goal is to be just a little more masculine - somewhat lower voice, maybe a slight build change. We'll see. But knowing that there is a history of anxiety, depression, body issues -- if this can help with those, I have no real objections.

Now, all that said -- were my son to come out, I think that would be a shock. As open-minded as I may profess to be, it would just be different. I'd be fine, but it would be so out-of-the-blue (not that he's really had any GFs or anything -- but then neither did I, and I'm WAY on the left of the Kinsey scale) that it would probably take me a sec to process.

[Thomkal]

First off Grant, thank you for being a supportive father of a gay son. He will need your support as he tries to find his way in the world. I would challenge a bit about you saying you have a new son. You do not. It's the same son you raised to be a loving caring young man-he just loves men, and someday he will bring a boyfriend to meet his father, and while it will be awkward at first, I think you will find it will soon be much the same as bringing a girlfriend home to meet you.

Unfortunately I came out rather late in life because I thought my parents/family would try to get me a religious "cure"/counseling which I totally had no interest in. Thankfully no one in my family rejected me, but we don't talk about it much either. Keep talking to your son and find out what he might need help with and together look for that help,

These days there are so many support groups out there for parents. Unfortunately not being married/having kids myself, I am not a great resource for that. But here's a place where you get some more info:

400 Bad Request

There are a lot of parents of gay kids out there Grant. Most have gone through what you are feeling now and can help you adjust. I encourage you to find someone you can talk to like that, and it will help.

[Lathum]

Originally Posted by Thomkal

First off Grant, thank you for being a supportive father of a gay son. He will need your support as he tries to find his way in the world. I would challenge a bit about you saying you have a new son. You do not. It's the same son you raised to be a loving caring young man-he just loves men, and someday he will bring a boyfriend to meet his father, and while it will be awkward at first, I think you will find it will soon be much the same as bringing a girlfriend home to meet you.

Unfortunately I came out rather late in life because I thought my parents/family would try to get me a religious "cure"/counseling which I totally had no interest in. Thankfully no one in my family rejected me, but we don't talk about it much either. Keep talking to your son and find out what he might need help with and together look for that help,

These days there are so many support groups out there for parents. Unfortunately not being married/having kids myself, I am not a great resource for that. But here's a place where you get some more info:

400 Bad Request

There are a lot of parents of gay kids out there Grant. Most have gone through what you are feeling now and can help you adjust. I encourage you to find someone you can talk to like that, and it will help.

I am piggy backing my own situation on Grants, and for that I apologize to him, but if you saw my post do you think a boy who recently turned 11 would/could know that he was gay or would you say it is more a case of question how he identifies with maybe some outside influence?

[Thomkal]

Originally Posted by Lathum

I am piggy backing my own situation on Grants, and for that I apologize to him, but if you saw my post do you think a boy who recently turned 11 would/could know that he was gay or would you say it is more a case of question how he identifies with maybe some outside influence?

I have to say Lathum if it was a "normal" 11 year old without the added issues you described, I would say it would be normal for a child that age to start questioning their sexuality. I was slightly older when I first did, and not too long after to know I was gay. I don't know enough about your son's issues to say if they are influencing him or not. I would definitely bring it up with your son's counselor/doctor and see if they can recommend someone to talk to if they don't feel comfortable with talking about being gay.

[GrantDawg]

Thanks, guys. I agree with you Thomkal. "New" probably isn't the best word, but I am searching for vocabulary that works. Even "mourning " isn't the best term, because most people connect it with loss. I did have a "loss" in the sense of what my vision of his life would be. But in another way it is a "gain" for what his life will be.

And Lathum you are not threadjacking. That kind of question is exactly why I wanted to start the thread.

[miked]

We have quite a few neighborhood friends whose kids (mostly daughters) told them in middle school they were gay or bisexual, but most of them have done complete 180s and are totally in to boys. Part of it is that as a society we are very open about sexuality, constantly hearing about it and talking about it, that kids who are developing are more comfortable talking about it. One of the kids also seemed to imply that if you are a girl, it seems to be "cooler" but who knows where that comes from.

Middle school and puberty are tough, kids are trying to figure out who they are.

[miami_fan]

Originally Posted by miked

One of the kids also seemed to imply that if you are a girl, it seems to be "cooler" but who knows where that comes from.

Middle school and puberty are tough, kids are trying to figure out who they are.

For girls that are seeking the attention of boys, being into girls as well as can make them very cool especially in our society. In my experience, it is much less likely to find a cisgendered teenage boy or adult man who is bothered by similar girls or women kissing then if they saw two teenage boys or men. The highlighted part is the key though. The Royal We are also not nearly as threatened by sexual fluidity in girls as we are in boys. Lastly as a society, we still have not come to grips with bisexuality as a sexual orientation.

Middle school and puberty are tough, kids are trying to figure out who they are.

100% agree with this.

[Swaggs]

I have a number of years of experience in this area and have participated in some real uncomfortable situations.

GD - I think it is a real positive that you are looking to learn and gather information. What you are experiencing sounds like you are grieving a bit over the loss of what your expectations were for your child. Don't beat yourself up over it. Most of us envision our children either growing up with a similarly structured life as our own or (if we had more challenging childhoods) what we observed to be the ideal life from friends, other family, or even TV or books. Hearing that your child is not going to have that same experience raises all kinds of feelings and that is normal. Hopefully, your wife, friends, or other trusted people are there to talk through that with you and help you normalize that feeling. If your son seems to be in a good place, let him know that you would like help navigating through some of the questions that you have.

Having family support is so important to the mental health of LGBT children and helps allow them to function so much better in life. Ideally, your preference in partners is just one thing that makes you who you are and, in most cases, it isn't or shouldn't be the most interesting thing about you. Hopefully, he can find a partner that is kind, trustworthy, honest, fun, treats him well, and/or whatever other values match those of your family. Finding something out like this can be a shock and that is alright. It is okay to be surprised and curious and worried. Take your time with it and, over time, it will just be one more thing that makes your family unique.

If

[Honolulu_Blue]

GD:

I’m sure you’re aware of this organization, but I figured it couldn’t hurt to share as a resource: PFLAG |

[BYU 14]

I don't have anything life experience to add, though I do have a brother that is gay, we have always had an open and accepting relationship amongst all my siblings and he is very comfortable in his skin, so it was a very smooth process when he came out.

But I do want to commend you GD, both on how you are handling things and your willingness to seek advice/resources to help you as a family. I can only imagine how traumatic this moment is for many in the LGBTQ community as they fear how their family/friends may receive the news. Your son is blessed to have you and your wife as parents and I know he is appreciative of the love and understanding you are giving him. So kudos to you sir.

[Izulde]

While not a parent, I've taught a lot of LGBTQ+ students and can tell you two things:

1. You largely set the tone for how the rest of the family will respond to them.
2. You might find yourself having to meet people where they are.

To give an example, I once had a student who was going through a lot of things I won't get into here, but one of the things that happened is they came out as transgender and also eventually chose a new name.

I changed the name in the group assignment sheets and called the student by their preferred name. Funny thing happened - everyone, including the Trump students in the classroom who thought the student was weird and likely bullied them outside the classroom (no direct evidence of that - just a strong suspicion) called the student by their new name and didn't bully the student in my room. I think it's because I set the expectations of what would and wouldn't fly.

The second thing also came into play. The parents, while supportive of the student's transgender status, absolutely refused to use the new name. They would only use a gender-neutral version of the student's original name. So in my communications with the parents, that's what I used (the student also accept this name for those people who weren't comfortable using the new name).

This isn't going to be easy for any of you. Not for you, your wife, or your son. But as others have said, you're approaching it the right way by being open and asking for advice.

[GrantDawg]

Now the rest of the story:
My wife is not taking it well. So far, she has said the right things to Simon, but what she says to me is anything but. She doesn't want to lose him. He has always been her baby. Yet, she grew up steeped in hard-core religious dogma. Her church is not a cult, but it is cult-adjacent. They believe there is no greater sin than homosexuality, and they are a firm believer in "casting out the sinner." Her brothers are both preachers. Her father was an elder for decades. Her whole family identity is wrapped in the church. She is so close to her family (and I love her family though I disagree with them on many things). This could tear them all apart.
She is in a deep depression right now. I am trying my best to be encouraging, but all she can see is the worst. I am trying not to see the worse, because in the end I could see this being the end of our relationship with her family, or even the end of our marriage. It is so frustrating that this can't be something we can simple take in stride, but instead this is our family in crisis. And Simon is going to blame himself, and that is just not fair. It is not him, but bigoted idiots.

[Ksyrup]

Damn, sorry GD. There are a lot of us going through issues with family right now, for various reasons. And religion (not the equivalent of God, faith, etc.) seems to be at the core of a good bit of it.

[JPhillips]

Sorry to hear that, Grant. I don't have any advice other than I think you're doing the right thing in accepting and loving your son. Hopefully, time heals some of these wounds.

[NobodyHere]

Perhaps Mrs GD should read JPhillips's sig

[Thomkal]

Grant, I stressed out over my family's generally religious nature before I came out, but none were near the cult-like line then. I have never been overly religious myself, and in the end if that was the reason they were going to push me away, there was very little I could do or say about it.

I think its important to ask how religious Simon is, and how he feels about committing a sin if he is a strong believer? If so, approaching the wife's side of the family that way-asking for forgiveness for his sin may cause some/all to be more "okay" with him being gay. If he's not a strong believer, then wow tough to say what to do here. Your family needs to stay together on this sadly even if that means pushing her family to the side a bit. Find a psychologist who regularly deals with religion/gay splits in a family, and can suggest ways for all involved to handle this? Just please no conversion therapy.

[GrantDawg]

I promise you, they would have to kill me before any conversion therapy happened.

Sent from my SM-G996U using Tapatalk

[CrimsonFox]

sounds like you are prone to anxiety too. not that this isn't a big deal. It is. But there is nothing you can do about other people. You can only control you. Just keep being the same loving father and husband.

As for your wife, I guess she'll go one of three directions
a) Get more and more hateful toward your son
b) pretend that the problem doesn't exist
c) Slowly go towards acceptance of the the issue and change her mind about things