The Mental Health Thread

[21C]

My turn to decompress here because I don't have any sort of reliable support network.

My 34yo daughter is bipolar and had a deteriorating ability to look after herself. She had a similar episode 11 years ago and got the assistance to get back on with her life. This time, my ex-wife and I called to get her committed after she resisted our attempts to get her support.

Long story short, she is now getting the help she needs but it is a gradual process.

However this has a huge effect on my own (barely functioning) mental health. I felt heartened because she asked if I could visit her every day which I didn't mind - I am effectively retired and I would do anything to support her. The daily highs and lows of her manic behaviour take a toll on me - and I know that this is ultimately not about me.

I have been divorced for 12 years and I have turned into a hermit unable to deal with long term friendships that have dried up and disappeared. Discussions with my daughter have turned into one-sided attacks which are not meant to be vindictive but hurtful nonetheless. That in combination with dealing with my ex-wife has turned me into a set of raw nerves that has me questioning my entire existence (no suicidal thoughts in case you were wondering).

I am coping but I'm struggling.

[Edward64]

We had a very close family member also committed for treatment (and is now better). But not a daughter and can't imagine the stress & emotions you are going through.

Hang in there and do the best with your own mental health. Maybe talk to a therapist?

[miami_fan]

Originally Posted by 21C

My turn to decompress here because I don't have any sort of reliable support network.

My 34yo daughter is bipolar and had a deteriorating ability to look after herself. She had a similar episode 11 years ago and got the assistance to get back on with her life. This time, my ex-wife and I called to get her committed after she resisted our attempts to get her support.

Long story short, she is now getting the help she needs but it is a gradual process.

However this has a huge effect on my own (barely functioning) mental health. I felt heartened because she asked if I could visit her every day which I didn't mind - I am effectively retired and I would do anything to support her. The daily highs and lows of her manic behaviour take a toll on me - and I know that this is ultimately not about me.

I have been divorced for 12 years and I have turned into a hermit unable to deal with long term friendships that have dried up and disappeared. Discussions with my daughter have turned into one-sided attacks which are not meant to be vindictive but hurtful nonetheless. That in combination with dealing with my ex-wife has turned me into a set of raw nerves that has me questioning my entire existence (no suicidal thoughts in case you were wondering).

I am coping but I'm struggling.

I'm sorry you are doing with this. Without digging too deep, are these dealings with your ex-wife solely concerning your daughter's mental health and her care or does it go beyond that? I'm just wondering if it is possible to limit the dealings to only discussions about your daughter's care and not include topics that make things worse for the both of you.

[21C]

Dealing with my ex-wife just reminds me of how inadequate I feel as a person. I find it difficult to connect to others and this situation has brought this to the fore.

[BishopMVP]

Originally Posted by 21C

My 34yo daughter is bipolar and had a deteriorating ability to look after herself. She had a similar episode 11 years ago and got the assistance to get back on with her life. This time, my ex-wife and I called to get her committed after she resisted our attempts to get her support.
...
I felt heartened because she asked if I could visit her every day
...
Discussions with my daughter have turned into one-sided attacks which are not meant to be vindictive but hurtful nonetheless.

A) stop it you're a good person

B) this part stood out to me. Is she attacking you in these, and are they just random topics that get brought back to this or are you trying to have deeper conversations about where her life goes going forward? If it's the latter you are the parent but you and your ex-wife have also done the hardest part by getting her to a facility and they have mental health professionals she is presumably talking to, is it possibly best if you ignore the larger topics at hand (or at least let her bring them up or open up when she wants to)? Like are there board games she likes, or painting, or Yahtzee or something? She's there 24 hours a day and presumably thinking or talking about deep things which aren't the easiest to sort out when you aren't there, you're not going to win any fights vs ghosts from your shared past and letting her vent a little can be positive, but maybe it's better to focus on how you can be better together going forward? Or just to let her know you're there for her instead of having another voice telling her she needs to change X (even if she does), I like fixing things too but sometimes non judgmental support is what people need while they sort through stuff internally.

(If it's not that my bad, but bullet point A still stands!)

[21C]

Thanks for those insights, Bish.

She is slowly getting into a better place. She initially asked me to come and visit every day but then told her friend that I should next visit on Saturday. She needs that break. I need that break.

I'm still struggling but I am working on stuff. I needed to take a long walk today to stop overthinking the situation. Doing that and the odd glass of wine (I know that alcohol is not a solution) have helped to soften the edges.

I need to keep reminding myself that this is not about me. This is all about getting her better.

[21C]

Here is a positive update to my story.

After 12 years of being single (and seemingly resigned to that fact) and dealing with the mental anguish stirred up by my daughter's illness, I have taken huge steps moving forward. By the way, my daughter is doing very well now and getting on with her life again.

I decided to revisit the dating app scene. I had installed and uninstalled them multiple times in the past after gaining little to no traction. This time I decided to be more patient and it has paid off. I have met a lovely woman and we have really hit it off. We have only had a few dates but they have been really good (not "good-good" but we are definitely moving in that direction). We talk several times a day on the phone and, most importantly, we communicate really well.

Long story short, I am smiling and laughing again.

As an example of what she means to me, I spent several hours yesterday and today cleaning up my apartment before she came to visit. My apartment was always "bachelor-tidy" before but now is reasonably tidy. I cleaned up ostensibly for her but I mainly did it for me.

I'm in a good place.

[Passacaglia]

That's great news! Glad to hear things are going better!

[PilotMan]

That's really heartening to hear. Very good update.

[Ksyrup]

Great to hear!

Sounds like your apartment is in better shape than this messageboard (he says, having just gotten it to load for the first time since last night after multiple failed attempts...).

[Kodos]

Good to hear that things are going better!

[21C]

Thanks for the kind words, guys. It means a lot.

I'm currently at her place getting ready to go out to a Bee Gees cover band and a night of dancing (I haven't danced in 40 years).

I agree. If I can sort out my apartment then surely someone can do something about this message board.

[flere-imsaho]

Woohoo!

[Edward64]

Let's create a similar thread below for you !!

How to (successfully) hit on a coworker. - Front Office Football Central


That's only one of few threads that brought the community somewhat together in a common cause (?)

[JPhillips]

Keep not getting jobs. I had a good interview last week and now I'm out. Really hoping for the lottery or a freak accident for the life insurance payout.

[Kodos]

Let’s aim for option one.

[NobodyHere]

Powerball is at 1.7 billion yo.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by NobodyHere

Powerball is at 1.7 billion yo.

That'd solve one helluva lot of my issues, ngl.

[HerRealName]

Originally Posted by JPhillips

Keep not getting jobs. I had a good interview last week and now I'm out. Really hoping for the lottery or a freak accident for the life insurance payout.

Damn that sucks, but hang in there. This job market is brutal, don't take it personally.

[flere-imsaho]

Originally Posted by JonInMiddleGA

That'd solve one helluva lot of my issues, ngl.

SFW, spoilered for size.

Spoiler

[JonInMiddleGA]

I'm reminded of something I first heard Ted Nugent say (on a episode of Rockline maybe?), probably not original to him but that's where I remember hearing it

"Money may not buy happiness, but it sure buys off a helluva lot of UNhappiness"

[flere-imsaho]

People who say that money can't buy you happiness are, IMO, mainly rich people who need to get out more.

[Ksyrup]

Or people with other issues who let money create/exacerbate issues.

[21C]

Ok, an update to my update. I recently split up with my lady friend after a few too many red flags.

I continue to be in a good place since I have reached out to a few old friends that I had drifted away from. While I was never depressed, I withdrew from many social settings and stopped maintaining many long-standing friendships that I am now repairing.

I went too hard too soon with my lady friend. I had asked her to my nephew's wedding interstate as well as booking a holiday to a resort in Malaysia but cancelled both (I still went to the wedding). I am taking a financial hit on both since I paid her back in full. The upside is that I just made a recent connection with a new person and we just spent the evening texting each other over several hours. The only thing is that I taught her as a student about 35 years ago. She was a little iffy about that at first but we have moved past that. 😁

[Edward64]

Originally Posted by 21C

Ok, an update to my update. I recently split up with my lady friend after a few too many red flags.

Sorry to hear.

... as well as booking a holiday to a resort in Malaysia but cancelled both (I still went to the wedding).

Out of curiosity, was this Langkawi? (always wanted to visit)

The only thing is that I taught her as a student about 35 years ago. She was a little iffy about that at first but we have moved past that.

35 years is a long time ago, so at this stage of both of your lives (e.g. she is not under 21), live your lives.

Hope it goes well for you both.

[21C]

Yep. It was Langkawi.

And nothing to be sorry about with my split. While there were many positives to our short time together, there were too many negatives that I couldn't ignore.

[Lathum]

Well, we saw this coming but it stinks. As of Jan 1, through no fault of her own, my wifes job is going away.

They are taking good care of her. She will continue to get paid for 6 months. She is working through 1/1 so she gets her full bonus for the year. They are also pro rating her long term executive bonuses and paying those out. They are paying a stipend for insurance and will provide an executive career search firm.

Depending on how quick she finds a job it could work out to our advantage. She didn't love this current job and I think she is kind of relieved its done. She is also happy they didn't offer her something she would have hated but had to take or walk away with nothing.

All in all we will be fine. Even if it is an extended job search we have plenty in retirement and other revenue sources. Relocating would be an absolute last resort which could be a barrier, but we are settled and very happy here. I suspect it will be a lengthy job search as president level jobs don't grow on trees. That being said neither do qualified candidates. She has 28 consecutive years of employment with P&G and Berkshire, so pretty good pedigree.

She was traveling a lot for work so it will be quite the adjustment going from her being gone a lot to always being here. Hopefully we don't kill each other and can find ways to stay busy.

[flere-imsaho]

You'd have to figure with that resume she'll be fine. A lot of PE firms should be falling over themselves to hire her on to lead one of her portfolio companies.

[Lathum]

Trying to be optimistic. I thinking will get tough if we have to dip into other revenue sources. Trying to find a balance between making small changes like not having a house cleaner come weekly to not making too many changes that disrupt our lives like cancelling a big trip we have planned for next August.

[Lathum]

Update- My wife is a rockstar. She talked to some people and someone told the 6 months severance is the minimum. She crafted an argument saying she should get credit for 10 consecutive years and not two, as she changed roles within Berkshire, two years ago. They agreed and extended her severance to a full year including the benefits stipend. Huge relief if it takes her time to find a job, and if she finds one quickly there will be a lot of double dipping.

She also got contacted about a VP role running an 800 million dollar business. Shes not sure she wants to jump back in to such a large role, but selfishly I would love her to find something sooner rather than later.

[albionmoonlight]

The holidays can be hard.

People with substance addiction issues have to navigate around everyone drinking for the holidays.

People who have lost loved ones have to have the holidays without them.

People with mental health struggles of any type can feel stressed and lonely around this time and feel wrong for not Being Happy at Christmas (tm).

Don't be afraid to reach out to someone if you need to. Know that the family and friends in your life love and care about you and will be there to support you.

Heck, if this post make you think in a few weeks "I don't know albionmoonlight, but I need to talk to *someone*" then DM me.

Love to all y'all.

[flere-imsaho]

Great news, Lathum!

[flere-imsaho]

My useless sister, who has been trouble and causing my parents grief since she turned 18 (which is like 25 years ago now), decided yesterday to send an email to the whole family saying that she's severing ties with my Mom. The rest of us are like "whatever, you're a loony" but we feel bad for Mom. Poor Mom.

Anyway, today Mom told me that when we go talk to the lawyers in January she's cutting my sister out of the Will. 100% deserved.

Never a dull moment.

[Lathum]

Originally Posted by flere-imsaho

My useless sister, who has been trouble and causing my parents grief since she turned 18 (which is like 25 years ago now), decided yesterday to send an email to the whole family saying that she's severing ties with my Mom. The rest of us are like "whatever, you're a loony" but we feel bad for Mom. Poor Mom.

Anyway, today Mom told me that when we go talk to the lawyers in January she's cutting my sister out of the Will. 100% deserved.

Never a dull moment.

I think we have the same sister.

[flere-imsaho]

Maybe we can trade them to the Cleveland Browns for a couple of draft picks.

[NobodyHere]

Is she hot?

[flere-imsaho]

I've not met Lathum's sister, so I can't comment.

[Lathum]

Last day of work for my wife. Last week has been a roller coaster and it's put a damper on the holiday season. She's depressed about the situation and I am hoping once it is officially done she can take some time and get into a better state of mind. We found out we are getting more money in deferred bonuses, etc..so money won't be a problem for the foreseeable future. I think she just is taking it hard that at 50 she will be starting with a new company after 27 consecutive years.

[flere-imsaho]

There's no doubt that's a tough transition.

[flere-imsaho]

I flew back home last Thursday to accompany Mom to a relatively-routine meeting with the lawyers helping with both estate planning and Dad's long-term care situation. That was scheduled for Friday.

After landing on Thursday I got a chance to see him at Memory Care. He'd been asleep since Tuesday and really had been out of it for the past two weeks. Really felt only like a matter of time.

First thing Friday morning we got the call that he died overnight.

Spent the weekend with Mom and my sister (the good sister), mainly reminiscing, and also helped Mom plan out next steps (all the details that happen after death, etc...).

I felt sad, sure, but mostly felt relief. I'm coming to the conclusion that I grieved when we were in the process of putting him into Memory Care. Even Mom said these past few weeks it'll just be a relief when he passes.

I'd like to thank all of you for your support over the past few years. There are a lot of horrible end-of-life diseases out there and Alzheimer's is one of them.

[Kodos]

Alzheimer’s is an awful way to go. So sorry for you and your family. May he rest in peace.

[JPhillips]

That's tough, flere. Take care nd good luck to your mom.

[Lathum]

Ah man, really sorry to hear that. Hopefully you have lots of good memories to get you through the rough patches ahead.

[GrantDawg]

Sorry for your loss.