How to (successfully) hit on a coworker.

[Ksyrup]

This thread has gone on for so long and there's been so many twists and turns I can't remember: is this a co-worker?

[Edward64]

Good point. I don’t think so, thought it was a group walk member.

Which brings to mind, how’s the Trumper doing?

[NobodyHere]

Originally Posted by Edward64

Good point. I don’t think so, thought it was a group walk member.

Which brings to mind, how’s the Trumper doing?

She is a group walk person.

The Trumper is still doing his thing. I haven't seen him much lately as I haven't been scheduling walks due to the cold weather.

[NobodyHere]

I think we're done honestly. I may post some texts in the future but I think the relationship is over.

On the other hand I got a new coworker but shes married

[NobodyHere]

I'm thinking my girlfriend wants a super-romantic Valentine's Day but I just can't simply deliver intellectually or intuitively.

ETA: At least if I'm the sole committee

[NobodyHere]

Originally Posted by GF Text

Because you don't plan dates for us... we only ever go out with our friends or to see your family

This is her text to me. Maybe I'm boring. I accept that. I have no idea how to handle relationships. I post this not to embarrass her in anyway but to gain insight on how to help myself (and maybe give the forum a little amusement).

It just seems like at this point I'm the only one trying.

Maybe someone here as some brilliant insight into this situation. Maybe you can help make it better, I don't know.

[Brian Swartz]

In general I would advise not posting her texts here.

On that one, if what the text says is accurate, I think she has a point. You could try acknowledging/addressing it.

[NobodyHere]

Originally Posted by Brian Swartz

In general I would advise not posting her texts here.

On that one, if what the text says is accurate, I think she has a point. You could try acknowledging/addressing it.

How should I be addressing it?

[Brian Swartz]

I'm far from a relationship expert, my personal social life is a disaster. Having said that, if it's true that your activities with her are all group ones, do exactly what the text says. Plan a date for the two of you with nobody else there. I would also seriously consider thanking her for pointing it out.

It souds to me, only from what you've described which I am 100% certain is a very small and possibly not representative slice of the whole picture, that if you want the relationship to succeed actions need to be taken to show her that you want it to succeed.

[SienaHigh]

Originally Posted by NobodyHere

How should I be addressing it?

Might sound crazy but... plan things for just the 2 of you. sounds like you've gotten so used to being friend zoned you are doing it to yourself.

Figure out what mutual interests you have and plan around that, with just the 2 of you. Fancy dinner? hole in the wall secret dive spot? weekend away traveling/camping/wineries/sporting events/live music? work in a friendly competition of bowling/pool/mini golf with a couple drinks if that's your thing. or maybe theater/ballet/movies.

the key is to just make it all about her sometimes. don't be afraid to surprise her with flowers/chocolates/random stuff animals or whatever is her thing.

[Flasch186]

How do you address it?

By saying, "you know what? You're right. I'm still fumbling around figuring out these things and I want to do better. I want to be a great date LOL (fake laugh). I'm sorry that we've gotten to that point where it's like that but, if you still think it's worth a shot, with me because you see something in me then let me give it a go and see if you like "dating" me."

Then plan some really cool things that YOU enjoy doing OR want to try out and then plan it with her to go with you and do some crazy ass shit that YOU enjoy or might enjoy. Best part is that if it doesn't work out you've found some really cool shit you enjoy doing and the next girl will also enjoy those things too (you hope.)

[Edward64]

Ask ChatGPT for some ideas (so feed it specific info)

Be curious to know if it comes up with anything useful.

[flere-imsaho]

With the caveat that I can only go on what's posted here, and that probably gives me an imperfect view of the situation....

It sounds like you should plan some dates, for just the two of you. Honestly I take this as a positive - clearly she likes and wants to spend time with just you.

I'd just plan some stuff you like to do and ask her to come along and see where it goes from there.

[Mota]

Originally Posted by NobodyHere

This is her text to me. Maybe I'm boring. I accept that. I have no idea how to handle relationships. I post this not to embarrass her in anyway but to gain insight on how to help myself (and maybe give the forum a little amusement).

It just seems like at this point I'm the only one trying.

Maybe someone here as some brilliant insight into this situation. Maybe you can help make it better, I don't know.

I can understand how she feels. If you never take her out on 1:1 dates, she basically feels like your bro pal and not your girlfriend.

That's extremely easy to fix. Take her on a date at least once a week where no one else is there. It doesn't have to be fancy. Explore the downtown area of your nearest big city, and go to a nice restaurant. Go see a play. Go to the movies.

I've been married to my wife for 20 years now, but we recently added "live muisc" as a new hobby that we do together. There's a club downtown that is a listening venue, we go there once a month, check out some outstanding musicians. We also try out a different restaurant before we go to the show, it keeps things exciting. And then on those regular home nights, we'll turn on Spotify and listen to the music of these bands and have some wine and disconnect from the work cycle.

[NobodyHere]

I think we're done. I had a chat with her tonight. She said that I never listened to any date ideas she's proposed over the last two months. Which honestly I don't ever remember her proposing. I wish I could throw a replay flag on that one.

Anyone just her general tone tonight and her tone the last time I had her over (it seemed she couldn't get out of here fast enough) just makes me think we're done.

I'll talk to her later this week and see if she's in a different mood.

[Edward64]

Sorry to hear that.

Sounds like you weren’t into it at the end either so prob for the best

[Flasch186]

What? 🤦‍♂️


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[Mota]

Here's what ChatGPT suggests for you, NobodyHere.

The world's best boyfriend would plan a date based on his partner's preferences and interests. However, here are some general ideas that he could consider:

Plan a romantic getaway or a weekend trip to a place that his partner has always wanted to visit.

Create a personalized gift, such as a photo album or a scrapbook filled with memories from their relationship.

Surprise his partner with a thoughtful gesture, like having breakfast in bed or arranging for a massage or spa treatment.

Prepare a romantic candlelit dinner with their partner's favorite foods, drinks, and desserts.

Plan a surprise date night with activities that his partner enjoys, such as attending a concert or a movie screening, or even taking dance lessons together.

Gift his partner with a beautiful piece of jewelry or a designer outfit that she has always wanted.

Write a heartfelt love letter expressing his feelings and gratitude for his partner.

Do something adventurous and out of the ordinary, like going skydiving or taking a hot air balloon ride.

Remember, the best plans come from knowing what your partner would love and making the day special for them.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Just idly thinking, so I could be completely off-base here.

My general impression is that you tend to do a lot of "group activity" stuff. I mean, that's sorta how this thread started isn't it?

Maybe that's just more your thing than straight 1:1 stuff?

I mean, I know not only people like that but also couples like that. I mean, couples that typically leave the house for stuff that involves other couples/groups/etc but otherwise really don't do 2-person stuff, or at least not as couples. And on the occasion when they do, it's generally sort of ... forced, they had to invent something that they weren't necessarily all that into (as opposed to their group activities being the stuff they tend to enjoy).

I mean, some people are sorta just wired like that. Maybe you're just one of those people?

[Flasch186]

I just don’t know how E above got that NH wasn’t into it… I literally see NH posted in December on how to get her engaged to the relationship and E got what he got above. Someone’s a bad listener.


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[Izulde]

Sounds like she was looking for a more traditional couples experience with 1-on-1 dates and even offered you suggestions.

You didn't pay attention enough to take note of them, and kept doing group activities until it was presumably too late.

Lesson learned for next time. Pay attention. Write it down so you remember if you have to.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by Izulde

Sounds like she was looking for a more traditional couples experience with 1-on-1 dates and even offered you suggestions.

You didn't pay attention enough to take note of them, and kept doing group activities until it was presumably too late.

Lesson learned for next time. Pay attention. Write it down so you remember if you have to.

Along the lines of my previous comment though, I'd counter that if he wanted to do those things, odds are he'd have suggested them himself/as well. Perhaps the real takeaway from this is that it simply wasn't a match.

Better to discover that now than years later I'd say.

[Flasch186]

I think it has more to do with being inexperienced and thus missing clues because he didn’t know to look for them. Now he knows. If she still likes you then being open to her that you want to improve if there’s still something there is worth putting on the table. If it’s toast it’s toast and as mentioned you can file it as learning for the next time.


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[Edward64]

Originally Posted by Flasch186

I just don’t know how E above got that NH wasn’t into it… I literally see NH posted in December on how to get her engaged to the relationship and E got what he got above. Someone’s a bad listener.

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I guess that’s the problem, I do have some hearing impairment because of a busted ear drum years ago … but nah, I think it’s reading comprehension on your part.

[NobodyHere]

So I'm currently looking for a new job. Nothing really wrong with the old one, I just want to be paid more and my boss is penny pinching right now.

So during the interview process, when do I ask about the company policy on intra-workplace relationships?

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by NobodyHere

So during the interview process, when do I ask about the company policy on intra-workplace relationships?

I'd advise waiting until you get the employee handbook

[Kodos]

Yeah. Don't lead with that. Don't go out of your way to give them a reason to reject you.

[Solecismic]

I think he's joking with us.

And, if not, there's a decent chance that we're going to hear about it on the news soon enough, and Nancy Grace will be all over this item trying to get interviews on air so that she can yell at us.

Trumper will be first. "Nicest guy in the world, didn't suspect a thing. We went on walks all the time. He was a great listener. Shouldn't have lent him that shovel, I guess..."

[NobodyHere]

There's absolutely no f***ing way I would give an interview to Nancy Grace.

[NobodyHere]

But seriously,

I'm going to invite my girlfriend out to dinner this week. If she declines then that's it. If she accepts then we can try to hash things out.

I'm only giving her this chance because her Grandma gave me giftcards as a XMas gift to a restaurant and I feel I should use the giftcards on a date with her (meaning my girlfriend not the Grandma).

In the meantime I'm going to have to think about what I want in a date because I thought she checked most of the important boxes.

[NobodyHere]

I suppose it should be mentioned that I went on a 5 mile walk this morning with a mutual friend of ours. I didn't mention the relationship and she didn't pry about it. So personally I think she knew better than to ask about it.

[NobodyHere]

Also I'm listening to Debussy right now. And to borrow a Family Guy bit I'm gonna say that I love Debussy. Sometimes all I can think about is Debussy.

And sooner or later I'll pass out tonight from consuming too much alcohol.

[Edward64]

The general rule I’ve seen for big companies is you can date others in the company but not if one manages or supervises the other (regardless of # levels up).

So if she is in a different dept, no problem. If she is same level as you in same dept, no problem. If you manage her or responsible/input into performance reviews, that’s very questionable.

But yeah, look at the employee handbook after being hired.

[NobodyHere]

Her last text to me was "I'm not Happy NobodyHere"

My response was "Neither am I. How can I make you happy?"

Yeah I think it is over. I have no idea what to do to salvage this relationship/

[NobodyHere]

My were fears were realized. Yes she did throw out ideas but she did not do anything to plan them. She thought I would surprise her and plan them for her. Surprise planning is just not how I work.

[Edward64]

If you want it to workout, then change

[Flasch186]

🤦‍♂️ this guy


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[Solecismic]

There's a whole host of relationship expertise out there. Best I've seen is the Love Languages approach. Idea being that people express their cares in relationships differently and if you have different languages that are important to you, you might not recognize caring from someone else.

Could be a fundamental incompatibility. If you are unhappy, either you adjust your expectations or you adjust your behavior. I don't think a few months amounts to it being worth having that talk if you're unhappy and she's unhappy.

The philosophy helps you understand what's going on. And, if both partners are able and willing, helps you evaluate and adjust. I don't think partners have to have the same primary love language, but they do have to understand what their partners like and they have to recognize when their partners are trying to show caring and love.

Many couples stay together out of a fear or dislike of being alone, and nothing else. They don't work on their relationships. They suffer. They expect their partner to work magic that doesn't exist.

It's difficult to see what's going on there. Sometimes you post and I think you're not someone who is willing to work on relationships, so you end up giving up or passively letting your partner give up. Maybe that's what's happening here. I don't think she would send those texts if she's not pretty much telling you she wants out.

But if there's something about her that makes you want to work on things - that she's "the one", learn her language. Help her learn yours. Sometimes people think they want to focus on one, but end up happier, after introspection, realizing their primary language is very different.

I think her primary language is Acts of Service, from what you've written. If that's something you're unwilling to learn about and work on, you're better off ripping off the band-aid.

I also think, and many people would disagree, that a month or so is enough time to know if someone is "the one" - which means worthy of learning about and trying to keep each other happy (rather than some mystical "soul mate" blather). But generally, if so, a few months in and you're nowhere even near unhappy and stale.

Whatever happens, I think the workplace thing is not even remotely a good idea. I know people often get away with a lot of stuff at work, but both men and women have the right to do their jobs without worrying about someone continually asking them out or "testing" the waters. There are exceptions, but as a rule, it's not cool.

[Flasch186]

This is good advice and from someone who seems to have read your posts


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[NobodyHere]

Well she ended it. I'll leave the door open if she wants to come back but I ain't begging.

Now the issue is that we kind of have the same circle of friends so now I have to navigate that sea. She says she won't make it awkward but I know she has a vindictive side to her. I wish no ill upon her so we'll see how it plays out.

I guess my main takeaway from all this is to talk more and to take hints better.

I think my ultimate mistake was to just let things sit. She seemed rather disengaged in the last few times I saw her. But rather than talk about it I did nothing. So in her mind I wasn't interested any longer in dating. That wasn't quite true but I had no good idea on how to re-engage her.

There's also the matter where I liked cooking a home chef meal together at my place whereas I think she wanted me to take her out to restaraunts more.

Live and Learn I guess.

In the meantime I did get another female coworker...

[NobodyHere]

Originally Posted by Solecismic

I think he's joking with us.

And, if not, there's a decent chance that we're going to hear about it on the news soon enough, and Nancy Grace will be all over this item trying to get interviews on air so that she can yell at us.

Trumper will be first. "Nicest guy in the world, didn't suspect a thing. We went on walks all the time. He was a great listener. Shouldn't have lent him that shovel, I guess..."

Well I am looking for a new job. But yeah the other part was for entertainment value.

[LastWhiteSoxFanStanding]

Honestly,

I think the lesson learned is you shouldn't stick with someone if you don't like them that much. Life is too short. I think she picked up on it and did you a favor. I hope you are more gaga over the next one!

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by NobodyHere

Well she ended it. I'll leave the door open if she wants to come back but I ain't begging.

Now the issue is that we kind of have the same circle of friends so now I have to navigate that sea. She says she won't make it awkward but I know she has a vindictive side to her. I wish no ill upon her so we'll see how it plays out.

I guess my main takeaway from all this is to talk more and to take hints better.

I think my ultimate mistake was to just let things sit. She seemed rather disengaged in the last few times I saw her. But rather than talk about it I did nothing. So in her mind I wasn't interested any longer in dating. That wasn't quite true but I had no good idea on how to re-engage her.

There's also the matter where I liked cooking a home chef meal together at my place whereas I think she wanted me to take her out to restaraunts more.

I still feel like somebody needs to say this, so I guess I'll be "that guy": just don't go overboard in the other direction next time either.

I mean, nothing you did seems "wrong" to me here. You have every right to enjoy what you enjoy, like what you like. Just because those interests didn't quite align well enough here doesn't make the stuff you did, options for dates, etc. "wrong" in some way.

Nothing seems more wrong to me that people (male or female) going overboard in trying to be whatever the hell somebody else wants at the expense of being who they are and/or what THEY enjoy .

Compromise to a point is one thing but too often people seem to make the mistake of going overboard with it, which gets one-sided quickly ... and that's no basis for a relationship either afaic.

[Swaggs]

Agree with Jon. If you sell yourself as someone else, just to win over your partner, you are either going to disappoint them when you settle back in or spend all of your time being uncomfortable just to make them comfortable. Figure out what you liked and didn’t like (“the must haves” and “must not haves” of your partner’s characteristics) and be willing to compromise on the things that fall between.

Also, be cocky and funny.

[Mota]

Is listening to your partner really selling yourself out though? Every woman wants to feel heard, and to feel special.

[Flasch186]

Every person does


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[Swaggs]

Originally Posted by Mota

Is listening to your partner really selling yourself out though? Every woman wants to feel heard, and to feel special.

I guess there is a lot we do not know, but NH has been outgoing enough to start an exercise group, made adjustments to it, and seemed to recognize that one of the other members was making folks uncomfortable. He seems, at least, adequately outgoing and situationally aware to me, based on those things and some of the other comments throughout the thread. Things were going well in the relationship ("swimmingly" at Christmas) up until a few weeks ago. He can take some or all of the blame and probably should take all of it if the partner was literally suggesting date ideas for two months that he completely missed out on. But, I think it is equally possible that she could not be communicating as clearly as she believes she is or that she is giving hints and hoping that he will take the ball and run with it. He says he doesn't recall any ideas that she proposed, so there is an obvious disconnect there.

I would say that he could improve at paying attention and asking her what she would like in dates more often (sounds like his MO was to go on group dates and to visit family?), but she could probably also take more initiative in planning dates herself or communicating more clearly with what she wants. That could make this particular relationship better, but if he is just more comfortable being around friends or family and she wants more adventure, one or both could compromise some (that can work, but it can also make both partners feel like they are making themselves uncomfortable just to make their partner comfortable) or they could try to choose partners that enjoy things more in line with their respective interests. Relationships that become transactional (I did this for you, so you have to do this for me) can lead to score keeping and become toxic.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by Swaggs

... (that can work, but it can also make both partners feel like they are making themselves uncomfortable just to make their partner comfortable) or they could try to choose partners that enjoy things more in line with their respective interests. Relationships that become transactional (I did this for you, so you have to do this for me) can lead to score keeping and become toxic.

This this this.

And it really hits on something I've NEVER understood in the slightest: why do people who, ostensibly, care about the happiness of another person get so insistent about forcing them to do things that make them unhappy?

My wife was not an 80s metal fan, nor a modern era hard(er) rock fan. Never once did I consider manipulating her into attending said events. Nor did I ever once consider allowing her absence to prevent me from attending.
We were both quite capable of enjoying what we enjoy as individuals, without putting the other person in a situation that they would not enjoy.

Relationships should not require inflicting misery on another person, more importantly no party in a healthy relationship should expect/require/demand such a transaction.

I simply, for the life of me, do not fucking get that sort of shit. Nor have I ever, nor will I ever.

[Solecismic]

That's why I think the biggest enemy of successful relationships is loneliness.

When people are lonely, they wish-think potential partners. And then, once the relationship is real, they have a hard time accepting that their partner may not share all of their interests.

Or, if said partner was found through one of those interests, that they share values or anything else.

Because they fear loneliness, they try to force the issue. I don't watch a lot of movies, but one of the most insightful movies I've seen in recent years was Her, with Joaquin Phoenix. Whoever wrote that really understood how this works, and where we're headed as a society if we don't regain our collective attention span.

[sterlingice]

As someone who has elite platinum status in the obliviousness club, if my wife was someone who played the "you didn't pick up on these hints" games, yeah, that's somewhat on me but that's also a lot on her. I could try really hard to pick up on them, but a lot of them are going to get missed and there's just going to be a lot of disappointment. At some point, it's on the person dropping the hints as much as the other person not picking them up.

SI