How to (successfully) hit on a coworker.

[Swaggs]

As I have gotten older, one of my mantras has become "no one is a good mind reader." Not my phrase, but I spread it as often as I can.

I think that is really helpful to consider in all relationships, whether romantic, family, work, or whatever.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by Swaggs

As I have gotten older, one of my mantras has become "no one is a good mind reader." Not my phrase, but I spread it as often as I can.

I think that is really helpful to consider in all relationships, whether romantic, family, work, or whatever.

Not only just "not good" but often outright "bad"

One of my favorite stories from married life was one of our first NYE together. We lived 5 mins from the MARTA station so yay us, we're gonna go downtown & watch the "Peach Drop" together.

We planned around it, dinner at X time, dressed for the weather, got to the train station in plenty of time, etc etc. Kinda quiet as we walked to the train and for whatever reason we both paused for a moment. Looked at each other & almost simultaneously said "you DO want to do this... right?"

More silence.

Yeah, we realized that each of us was going almost entirely because we thought the other one wanted to ... when neither of us actually DID.

Yeah, we laughed at ourselves and turned back to the car and went the hell home which was where we both preferred to be.

Valuable lesson right there, served us both well for the next three decades.

[NobodyHere]

So a minor manor on etiquette.

During Xmas her family gave me gifts cards for a restaurant and a movie theater. Presumably these would be used on date nights with their loved one.

So now that we're broken up. Is it proper that I return those gift cards?

On the one hand it is a gift to me. On the other hand it was half a gift to their loved one. Any thoughts?

I expect to run into her sooner or later in one of our meetup groups.


And if I were to get scroogie she still owes me some gas gift cards...

[Flasch186]

I’d hang on to them until the statute of limitations expires and then use them on the next GF if they’re not asked for before the deadline. 😂


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[sovereignstar v2]

My expertise in this area really only involves marble rye.

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[Edward64]

IMO, stay classy. Give them back to her.

[Brian Swartz]

Agree with Edward. I've never regretted being too generous or whatever the appropriate term is. I have regretted being stingy/petty/again whatever term.

[PilotMan]

Just do that opposite of whatever the people you think the least of would do.

[Lathum]

They were a gift to you. Spend them as such.

[Lathum]

dola- if you feel that guilty donate them for a charity gift basket or something. I think giving them back would be hella awkward.

[HerRealName]

We've given many gifts to boyfriends/girlfriends of our kids and there are no expectations to use gift cards on our children. Just keep them and forget about whatever money you think you might be owed.

[Swaggs]

Keep them. It would be ridiculously awkward to return them. If they wanted to dictate that you use them with her, they should’ve made it a joint gift to you both.

[Racer]

My opinion is that whatever you decide to do with the gift cards is completely okay.

If you are going feel guilty if you don't give her the gift cards then give her the gift cards even it is awkward assuming you ever see her again and happen to have the gift cards in your wallet.

If you want to keep the gift cards whether to avoid an awkward situation, because you want to use them yourself, or because it was a gift to you that's fine to.

[sterlingice]

This thread occasionally reads like the AITA subreddit, but not the ones that make it to the front page but the lesser threads

SI

[Cap Ologist]

Don't get Scroogie whatever you do.

[Swaggs]

I don't know - I don't think it is (or would be) NH's intent, but I just think he will make himself look like he is trying to ingratiate himself to his ex's parents. Unless you have kids together or some long history of a relationship with her parents, I think it would be a real bad look to re-engage with them. It would be a nice gesture, but there is no need to have any contact with her family if you are broken up. Right or wrong, if you are broken up, she is entitled to her space and people.

[Ksyrup]

Agreed. Unless it was some sort of engagement/wedding-specific gift expected to be used for a specific purpose, there's no reason to give it back. You can go to Texas Roadhouse with anyone or no one.

[flere-imsaho]

Wait until they expire, then give them to the Trumper.

[flere-imsaho]

But more seriously, give them to a charity. Some actively look for donations for gift cards to use as prizes at fundraising events they hold (a charity I volunteer for does this), and some that focus on food insecurity I'm sure could do something constructive with them.

[NobodyHere]

So now back to the heart of the thread, I have been driving my coworker Corrina (I've mentioned her earlier in this thread) home from work. She doesn't drive and it's rather inconvenient for her husband to pick her up. Plus she lives about a mile away from me.

Anyways she's been egging me on to hit on my other coworker Barbara (who was also mentioned earlier in the thread). Plus as luck would have it my place is currently lacking a permanent HR person (the last one quit because my boss can have a rough edge being in the construction industry for untold years).

So the next few rides home we will be creating a strategy to hit on my coworker.

Part of me is thinking that it is too soon. The other part of me is horny. So it kind of balances out.

[Solecismic]

The rule is one month for every year you were together. So at four months, you should wait 10 days before considering a new conquest. That part is fine.

I thought we already ruled out Barbara as wanting no part in this whatsoever. Of course, if there is no HR to protect her, by all means... (eye-roll implied).

[NobodyHere]

"I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread"

That's how I feel right now. Between the breakup, looking for a new job, watching the news, and just in general. I guess I'm questioning where my life is going.

I just feel tired.

Right now I'm really tempted to take a year off work and focus on learning new programming languages or AI learning (that seems to be the buzz word of the future).

[Edward64]

What language are you doing now at work?

[NobodyHere]

At my current job I use MySQL and SSRS for reporting.

The ERP I use scripts in VB.

I create side utilities in JSP, HTML, javascript, and Python when necessary.

[NobodyHere]

Originally Posted by Solecismic

The rule is one month for every year you were together. So at four months, you should wait 10 days before considering a new conquest. That part is fine.

I thought we already ruled out Barbara as wanting no part in this whatsoever. Of course, if there is no HR to protect her, by all means... (eye-roll implied).

This past Friday I went to a fish fry with a mutual friend of mine and Amber. Lets call her Connie. She's had a Catholic upbringing like me so we're culturally the same. I don't know how to read her. She's an absolute sweetheart but I have no idea in what her dating interests are. All I know is that she's a hockey fanatic.

[Edward64]

Originally Posted by NobodyHere

At my current job I use MySQL and SSRS for reporting.

The ERP I use scripts in VB.

I create side utilities in JSP, HTML, javascript, and Python when necessary.

You have some good skills (but not sure how relevant VB is in the marketplace anymore).

Have you quit your job already and now looking for a new one?

[NobodyHere]

Originally Posted by Edward64

You have some good skills (but not sure how relevant VB is in the marketplace anymore).

Have you quit your job already and now looking for a new one?

I'm sticking with my current job until I find a new one or until I get the balls to take a sabbatical.

There are several jobs on Indeed looking for 'Senior VB.net developer' in my area.

[NobodyHere]

I dunno if I mentioned this before, (I'm kind of drunk right now) but Amber wants kids. I was willing to toy with the idea of it for her sake but on reflection that would be a terrible idea for me. So in the long term it wouldn't of lasted anyways.

But still I'm kind of pissed the way the relationship ended. I'm hoping to keep her as a friend but we'll see. We're signed up to the same event on Tuesday so keep your ears out for the fireworks.

[NobodyHere]

On a side note I made some Focaccia bread tonight and it is absolutely delicious.

Oh MY g (mnggnfg) that is GoOd

[Edward64]

Originally Posted by NobodyHere

I'm sticking with my current job until I find a new one or until I get the balls to take a sabbatical.

There are several jobs on Indeed looking for 'Senior VB.net developer' in my area.

Don't get the balls. It may be tempting but it's much easier to get a new job when you already have one. You don't feel as desperate.

If you haven't already, setup a LinkedIn. That's where recruiters get my info to bug me.

[NobodyHere]

Yeah I got a LinkedIn account. I've gotten calls from recruiters but so far no job offers.

[NobodyHere]

And gosh, I went on a walk today and I'm glad I did because it does refresh my spirit. Sarah from before was there. But there was a nerdy person like myself who walked with the group, I may have found a kindred spirit. The Trumper was there but we didn't talk much. I actually spent time talking to a person from Mayasia who wants to be a Hand Surgeon in America. Just talking to him made my mind dizzy from all the paperwork/tests he has to overcome to become a certified doctor in America

[Edward64]

Originally Posted by NobodyHere

And gosh, I went on a walk today and I'm glad I did because it does refresh my spirit. Sarah from before was there. But there was a nerdy person like myself who walked with the group, I may have found a kindred spirit. The Trumper was there but we didn't talk much. I actually spent time talking to a person from Mayasia who wants to be a Hand Surgeon in America. Just talking to him made my mind dizzy from all the paperwork/tests he has to overcome to become a certified doctor in America

I assume you mean Malaysia.

If he is Malay-Malay (vs Malay-Chinese or Malay-Indian), keep him away from the Trumper because he is most likely Muslim

[NobodyHere]

Originally Posted by Edward64

I assume you mean Malaysia.

If he is Malay-Malay (vs Malay-Chinese or Malay-Indian), keep him away from the Trumper because he is most likely Muslim

Yeah, he is from Malaysia, apparently he is certified in 5 countries and is working to be certified in the USA.

[Izulde]

Late to the party, but for the gift cards, you're under no obligation (legally, morally, or ethically) to return them. If the guilt is eating you, as other have said, donate them to a charity for use in a package for fundraising auction.

[NobodyHere]

This should be a fun weekend.

I am scheduled to attend a "Brunch" with myself, Amber, and guy that I think Amber is trying to get with (lets call him Alex), and a mutual friend of Amber and I, lets call her Claire.

BTW I think Claire is a super awesome person that I would like to date but it is hard to get a read on her. We have similar Catholic upbringings but I've never got the vibe that she was into me.

She may be the unofficial referee in our gathering this brunch.

After the brunch I scheduled a walk and right now only the Trumper has signed up.

[Lathum]

This thread makes me glad I am married

[NobodyHere]

Originally Posted by Lathum

This thread makes me glad I am married

Let us know on your thoughts on how to find a lasting relationship.

[Lathum]

Originally Posted by NobodyHere

Let us know on your thoughts on how to find a lasting relationship.

Luck-

My wife is hot, makes a shit ton of money, is a great mom, and is cool as shit. I haven't worked in 6 years. Luckiest man alive

[NobodyHere]

Can I borrow her for a decade?

[Lathum]

Originally Posted by NobodyHere

Can I borrow her for a decade?

Ha!

Nope. All mine!

[Ksyrup]

Originally Posted by NobodyHere

Let us know on your thoughts on how to find a lasting relationship.

Find someone who shares big picture traits with you. Like, neither of you are big drinkers/partiers, or both want to have kids, you're both beach people not mountains, etc. At least, this type of stuff was important back in my 20s. Maybe as you get older it doesn't matter as much? Not sure. But it would still be important to me now, I think. The corollary is, don't sweat the small details. Both of you should have the freedom to enjoy the hobbies or other things you like. My wife hates metal and I hate Hallmark movies but we've survived each other for over 31 years (going on 26 married).

Once you are in a committed relationship, never go to bed angry. It's happened twice in the 31 years that we've been together. Once for each of us. And it sent a message that the other was wrong and each of us realized it because it was an extreme step. You don't want to let bad feelings fester. Resolve the issues quickly, openly and honestly.

[Lathum]

You have to be best friends with your partner. Sex is great and all but that burns out a bit, not totally or something is wrong, especially when you have kids. You have to have someone who enjoys the same things you do.

[GrantDawg]

Originally Posted by Lathum

You have to be best friends with your partner. Sex is great and all but that burns out a bit, not totally or something is wrong, especially when you have kids. You have to have someone who enjoys the same things you do.

I will underline the best friends thing. We are going on 34 years. We have had our ups and downs, but in the end we are still together because we are each others best friend.

[NobodyHere]

Originally Posted by NobodyHere

This should be a fun weekend.

I am scheduled to attend a "Brunch" with myself, Amber, and guy that I think Amber is trying to get with (lets call him Alex), and a mutual friend of Amber and I, lets call her Claire.

BTW I think Claire is a super awesome person that I would like to date but it is hard to get a read on her. We have similar Catholic upbringings but I've never got the vibe that she was into me.

She may be the unofficial referee in our gathering this brunch.

After the brunch I scheduled a walk and right now only the Trumper has signed up.

I know everyone has been on the edge of their seats wondering about the results of these event.

The brunch ended up being an orgy of unbridled sex where no one held back.

Actually it was quite the opposite. Just your normal brunch with an ex. I think she was trying to avoid speaking with me as much as she could. I tried creating some small talk as much as I could such as asking about her parents. We both had good conversations with the other people present.

As for the walk the Trumper dropped out (probably because another person signed up that he absolutely hates signed up but that's my speculation. This person ended up not showing as well).

Anyways it was just me, Claire and another nerd and good times were had by all.

[Izulde]

Originally Posted by Lathum

This thread makes me glad I am married

Yeah, it’s a complete and utter shitshow out here. It seems like very few people are legitimately interested in a relationship. They say they are and complain about not being able to find anyone but they’re also refusing to settle (aka they have a secret list they’re refusing to acknowledge is an actual list). And it’s not just the 20somethings. It’s people in their 40s and 50s. The stupidity of it all makes me laugh, and boy do people get their dander up when I point out they need to stop crying about how they can’t find anyone. That’s a lie. There’s plenty of people out there. They just have really picky standards

[GrantDawg]

Originally Posted by Izulde

Yeah, it’s a complete and utter shitshow out here. It seems like very few people are legitimately interested in a relationship. They say they are and complain about not being able to find anyone but they’re also refusing to settle (aka they have a secret list they’re refusing to acknowledge is an actual list). And it’s not just the 20somethings. It’s people in their 40s and 50s. The stupidity of it all makes me laugh, and boy do people get their dander up when I point out they need to stop crying about how they can’t find anyone. That’s a lie. There’s plenty of people out there. They just have really picky standards

I have to wonder what that is. It is like people are dating trying to find a reason not to be with someone rather than a reason to be with someone. I totally get be wary of red flags that might lead to abuse or something like that, but if you are looking for the perfect relationship you are never going to find it.

[Flasch186]

Honestly I think social media and the ease with which people can pseudo-meet people and communicate makes the bar way higher then it should be to actually meet people and build a relationship.


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[NobodyHere]

Originally Posted by Izulde

Yeah, it’s a complete and utter shitshow out here. It seems like very few people are legitimately interested in a relationship. They say they are and complain about not being able to find anyone but they’re also refusing to settle (aka they have a secret list they’re refusing to acknowledge is an actual list). And it’s not just the 20somethings. It’s people in their 40s and 50s. The stupidity of it all makes me laugh, and boy do people get their dander up when I point out they need to stop crying about how they can’t find anyone. That’s a lie. There’s plenty of people out there. They just have really picky standards

Yeah, I've been thinking about this a lot in the last few weeks.

How much am I willing to compromise my lifestyle in order to find a good partner?

I think one of the main barriers between Amber and I is that she wanted kids and I didn't. I was willing to entertain the idea when we were in the puppy-love stage of the relationship but eventually I decided I didn't want kids and that dampened my enthusiasm for the relationship.

On a more soft topic, I'm trying to follow the LeanFIRE philosophy in which I save a large portion of my income in order to retire at an early age. This is basically incompatible with modern dating as I basically live like a poor person (I live on less than half my income). I think this partially was a wedge between Amber and I as she wanted to go out more (and eat expensive meals) whereas I preferred to spend time at my place and cook more inexpensive meals. I've been questioning how much I want to sacrifice that ideal in order to find a partner.

[Edward64]

Originally Posted by NobodyHere

On a more soft topic, I'm trying to follow the LeanFIRE philosophy in which I save a large portion of my income in order to retire at an early age. This is basically incompatible with modern dating as I basically live like a poor person (I live on less than half my income). I think this partially was a wedge between Amber and I as she wanted to go out more (and eat expensive meals) whereas I preferred to spend time at my place and cook more inexpensive meals. I've been questioning how much I want to sacrifice that ideal in order to find a partner.

In my opinion, kids and money philosophy are significant differences of opinion.

I like your philosophy about money. But will offer (for your consideration), buy experiences & not things (or expensive meals). Experiences will last a lifetime, meals goes out the poop chute within 24-48 hours.