How to (successfully) hit on a coworker.

[GrantDawg]

We can all agree this is the wrong way to go about it, right?

To Get Laid!
by u/Heymynameisdistance in therewasanattempt

[NobodyHere]

I know some of you are confused about the characters in the farce that is my life, but I made a picture that hopefully will bring clarity to the confusion.



Let me know if you can't see it.

[Solecismic]

I can't unsee it.

OK... some thoughts...

The meetup group and walks and trivia and such is really going well for you. Sounds like you're making friends as well.

Corinna: some danger there - what she says about her marriage is a betrayal of sorts. If she needs to get out, there are groups that can help her, but you should keep some emotional distance there.

Barbara: you've written so much about this courtship. I guess you haven't been fired and she hasn't quit, so it's probably not as bad as it looks, but this isn't a sitcom (even with the pirate). Maybe the best thing is just to let her do her job and trust that you've made your case and if she wants more, she'll come to you without yet another prompt.

Amber: sometimes short relationships fail because they lasted too long. That's OK. Doesn't make her a bad person or you a bad person. It can be hard to socialize around people you've dated. If she's quit the group, maybe that's a good thing, but hopefully you didn't drive her away from her friends. It entirely possible if you had a shot with Claire that you wasted it if you spent any time talking about Amber - that's her friend. And maybe that fact alone would be enough to keep her away anyway and there was nothing you could do. My advice is not to think about Amber at all.

The best is yet to come. You're under 40, you're single, you have a decent job, you have interests that mesh well with a lot of people (women love a guy who isn't too cool to cook, as well). Keep getting yourself out there, keep learning to read women and you'll have plenty of opportunities. With new people - don't waste time worrying about what didn't happen.

[NobodyHere]

Originally Posted by Solecismic

I can't unsee it.

OK... some thoughts...

The meetup group and walks and trivia and such is really going well for you. Sounds like you're making friends as well.

I do enjoy the meetup events but I want something that gives me a little bit more stability in my social life. With meetups you never know who is going to attend and if they do then do you get a chance to talk to them?

Corinna: some danger there - what she says about her marriage is a betrayal of sorts. If she needs to get out, there are groups that can help her, but you should keep some emotional distance there.

I have no plans to pursue her. For one she's literally halfway across the world right now. And two she is fiercely loyal and would take it as an insult if I tried to woo her away from her husband. Honestly the guy is pretty great when he isn't drunk. Otherwise I've only heard stories.

Barbara: you've written so much about this courtship. I guess you haven't been fired and she hasn't quit, so it's probably not as bad as it looks, but this isn't a sitcom (even with the pirate). Maybe the best thing is just to let her do her job and trust that you've made your case and if she wants more, she'll come to you without yet another prompt.

Honestly she is kind of an enigma to me. She is a deep introvert like I am (although I've been trying to change that in recent times). I've been trying to prod her to go on my group walks but she's always responded with something like "That's sounds great but I'm going to have to pass". Maybe that's why I'm so enamored with her at the moment. I see a lot of myself in her. We seem to have the same general sensibilities. We have good conversations at work. And I do have that "gaga" feeling about her. And maybe it is some kind of mid-life crisis, but I want to know how people feel about me instead of guessing "maybe they're interested in me, maybe not". I'm tired of worrying and I want to know the answers.

Anyways I have a brunch scheduled with her next weekend and I can hopefully start to sort things out.

Amber: sometimes short relationships fail because they lasted too long. That's OK. Doesn't make her a bad person or you a bad person. It can be hard to socialize around people you've dated. If she's quit the group, maybe that's a good thing, but hopefully you didn't drive her away from her friends. It entirely possible if you had a shot with Claire that you wasted it if you spent any time talking about Amber - that's her friend. And maybe that fact alone would be enough to keep her away anyway and there was nothing you could do. My advice is not to think about Amber at all.

I think I rushed into the relationship too fast with Amber. But I don't get much attention from the fairer sex and it was quite honestly a drug the attention she showed me. In the end it broke down IMO because I didn't get her hints. She started to clam up and I lost interest in planning events with her. Not to mention she started emotionally cheating on me with her now current boyfriend. This has been confirmed by Claire and texts that Amber has sent me.

Why she exactly quit our meetup groups I don't know. I did attend a meetup event that she hosted a few weeks ago. We were having dinner and during the middle of it she basically implied that old boyfriends should "fuck off" while I was sitting at the table with her. I saw that as extremely rude I and I told her about it. Next thing I know is that Amber dropped out of the meetup group.

The best is yet to come.

This had better be true

You're under 40, you're single, you have a decent job, you have interests that mesh well with a lot of people (women love a guy who isn't too cool to cook, as well). Keep getting yourself out there, keep learning to read women and you'll have plenty of opportunities. With new people - don't waste time worrying about what didn't happen.

I do need to keep focusing on the positives. But anyone who tells me that the right woman will come to me can just stuff it. She hasn't came to me in all my life. I need advice on how to actually find the woman of my dreams and to make myself attractive to said dream woman.

[Solecismic]

Originally Posted by NobodyHere

I have no plans to pursue her. For one she's literally halfway across the world right now. And two she is fiercely loyal and would take it as an insult if I tried to woo her away from her husband. Honestly the guy is pretty great when he isn't drunk. Otherwise I've only heard stories.

Remember that the stories you hear have another side. Short of her coming back to work with bruises or her asking for help finding a support group, you don't want to insert yourself in any way. It's not just a no-wooing thing.

Originally Posted by NobodyHere

Honestly she is kind of an enigma to me. She is a deep introvert like I am (although I've been trying to change that in recent times). I've been trying to prod her to go on my group walks but she's always responded with something like "That's sounds great but I'm going to have to pass". Maybe that's why I'm so enamored with her at the moment. I see a lot of myself in her. We seem to have the same general sensibilities. We have good conversations at work. And I do have that "gaga" feeling about her. And maybe it is some kind of mid-life crisis, but I want to know how people feel about me instead of guessing "maybe they're interested in me, maybe not". I'm tired of worrying and I want to know the answers.

Anyways I have a brunch scheduled with her next weekend and I can hopefully start to sort things out.

You can't argue yourself into a relationship. No matter what you think about her right now, it's in large part due to an image you've created. She will make it easy for you to get to know her if that's what she wants. But if not, persistence only works in bad Hollywood movies.

Originally Posted by NobodyHere

Not to mention she started emotionally cheating on me with her now current boyfriend. This has been confirmed by Claire and texts that Amber has sent me.

I did attend a meetup event that she hosted a few weeks ago. We were having dinner and during the middle of it she basically implied that old boyfriends should "fuck off" while I was sitting at the table with her.

It's not that hard to paint that as a "good thing it didn't last" story. So you're out, no responsibilities. The best thing you can do is not invest any more thought in it. You don't need closure or revenge, and if you talk about it with another female, she will read it as if you do need closure.

Originally Posted by NobodyHere

But anyone who tells me that the right woman will come to me can just stuff it. She hasn't came to me in all my life. I need advice on how to actually find the woman of my dreams and to make myself attractive to said dream woman.

Dreams are funny. I didn't say you'd find her. I said you'll have plenty of opportunities. There are no guarantees. The one mistake you can make is wasting time with the next Amber and missing out on the, well, St. Pauli Girl, I guess.

I know I'm lucky now. Teenage me dreamed about someone who's physically and career-wise, values-wise, pretty much identical to my wife. I don't know how that happened or why she finds me attractive, but here we are.

So... 1) listen and learn to read women. 2) don't settle. 3) accept failure and quickly move on, without a need for artificial closure.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by NobodyHere

I need advice on how to actually find the woman of my dreams and to make myself attractive to said dream woman.

You won't like my two cents most likely, 'cause it doesn't come with any guarantee at all. But fwiw ...

Live your life. The key word there, at this stage, is your life.

"That person" will either come along or they won't. And there's certainly a chance they'll come along and you won't even realize it. There's also a chance you'll think they have but they actually haven't.

But I'm neither a fan, nor a believer in the success rate, of trying to "make it happen".

[Brian Swartz]

Originally Posted by NobodyHere

anyone who tells me that the right woman will come to me can just stuff it. She hasn't came to me in all my life. I need advice on how to actually find the woman of my dreams and to make myself attractive to said dream woman.

You need to accept the fact that it may never happen. If you do meet them, it also needs to be more about their needs than yours. You may not mean it in these terms, but what you've described is a desire to be able to manipulate a woman into fulfilling your fantasies. That's just not a healthy approach, and virtually nobody ever marries 'the man/woman of their dreams'. Every person has flaws. Many of them. If they didn't, they'd never be a suitable partner for any of the rest of us.

For what little, if any, it may still be worth, I would suggest focusing on becoming the kind of man and person who is worthy of committing to. Any goal for a relationship of any kind depends on unpredictable, flawed human beings for fulfillment and therefore involves also the potential for things not working out the way we want them to. The best a person can do is to live out the best version of themselves, whether they get back what they want in return or not.

[Flasch186]

Deleted


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Mota]

Originally Posted by NobodyHere

I do need to keep focusing on the positives. But anyone who tells me that the right woman will come to me can just stuff it. She hasn't came to me in all my life. I need advice on how to actually find the woman of my dreams and to make myself attractive to said dream woman.

The perfect woman won't just randomly come up to you. It'll never happen. As a man, it is typically going to be on you to meet many people. It's a numbers game. The more people you date, the more good people you'll meet. 9/10 will still be let downs, becuase everybody has their own taste, and everybody is at a different place in life at a different time. But eventually you'll meet someone that will have similar interests or values to you (I'll always pick values over interests), and you'll both be at the same place in life, and then it'll work out.

Sometimes the most frustrating thing is meeting someone who just clicks with you, but they're at a different stage in life. Maybe younger and aren't looking to get into something long term, or they JUST got out of something long term and are just trying to get to know what they are looking for again.

But the more people you date, the more you'll know what's important to you.

One thing that you get with experience, is that it can't hurt to ask. You'll never go on a date with someone that you didn't ask out. But I'd avoid co-workers as much as possible, because a broken relationship there will linger, and you don't want that.

[Solecismic]

There's a lot you can do, though, to give yourself a better chance of it happening. What Mota wrote about timing is very important. It can work against you, but more importantly, it works for you.

At any given moment, someone is entering a time period during which they will enter a relationship with the next person who meets a certain criteria, a certain combination of appearance and values and any number of things. You can't control that criteria - height and income are often important to women and that is what it is. So even someone entering that time period may not represent an opportunity.

However, it is a numbers game. The key there is understanding that numbers and statistics and facts do not constitute knowing someone. You might see someone from a distance, even work with her or know a lot about her from a group of some sort, but you don't know her.

Therefore, you have to know yourself. Some people advocate throwing out 1,000 invitations and working with whatever comes back to you. I disagree. You absolutely maximize your chances of getting into a relationship that way, but you also maximize your chances of getting into a crappy relationship. So either you develop the ability to quickly evaluate a budding relationship and break a few hearts, or you end up with another Amber. Some people can do the former. More power to them. I don't think that approach would have worked for me.

Recognizing it's a numbers game, but also that you don't anything real about someone until you've spent some time with her and really listened to her, you have to be dry and analytical about the process itself. Otherwise, you end up projecting all sorts of dreams onto every new date and pretty soon, yeah, Amber again.

[flere-imsaho]

I greatly approve of the stick figure post.

[Flasch186]

And that’s saying something


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[NobodyHere]

I have brunch with a coworker I'm hitting on tomorrow. Please wish me luck. Or sacrifice a trout. Or double your bets in Blackjack. I need a shower (and will take one tomorrow morning)

[Edward64]

Good luck.

Yes, in addition to a shower, don't forget to clean your nails, floss your teeth, and bring some tic tacs.

[flere-imsaho]

I thought we were doing cans of collard greens for good luck these days, or is that just the stock market?

[Edward64]

Not for dating luck per se, but once you get her back to the apartment ...

Greens also boost histamine production, which is necessary for the ability to reach orgasms," says Balleck. If kale's bitterness makes your taste buds sad, spinach, chard, or collard greens will do the trick, too.

[flere-imsaho]

Sorry, I refuse to believe that kale has any redeeming values.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by flere-imsaho

Sorry, I refuse to believe that kale has any redeeming values.

It doesn't.

[Edward64]

I’m not a kale fan either.

Wife made some oven baked kale which I enjoyed. It’s crispy and with enough salt, pretty decent.

[Fidatelo]

Kale can be fine in amongst other things (like in a salad or baked into something, etc). I much prefer it over something like Quinoa, that stuff ruins everything people stick it in.

[Solecismic]

My wife likes quinoa and kale in dinners. She knows what to do to prepare them, so they're fine as long as there's not too much. Our pantry is full of all sorts of packages I've never heard of and she can provide a reasonable assessment of the produce section of every one of the numerous groceries in the area. I appreciate all that. It's nice not depending on processed food or worrying about cholesterol levels.

Interesting that the date that's been anticipated for about 1 1/2 years now came to fruition this weekend and there's been no report. Like An Affair to Remember cutting off just after all that waiting on the Empire State Building.

[NobodyHere]

Originally Posted by NobodyHere

I have brunch with a coworker I'm hitting on tomorrow. Please wish me luck. Or sacrifice a trout. Or double your bets in Blackjack. I need a shower (and will take one tomorrow morning)

I met the friend for brunch and I am defeated. The secret that I didn't want you to know is that she claimed she was asexual. So basically I didn't have a chance. Knowing that I felt I had to at least see it through. We did have a pleasant two hour conversation.

Now on to how much kale I should eat.

[Solecismic]

I'd imagine a lot more people are asexual today. It's a daunting world and the environment/genetics combo can easily wind up with the conclusion that the species does not need one's progeny in order to survive.

Those who don't take that personally or consider it some sort of challenge to test might find that a new friend is also worth quite a bit.

I'm not sure what "seeing it through" means. If you knew this about her, and presumably Corinna knew this as well, why is this going on in Barbara's workplace? Doesn't seem quite fair to her.

Careful on the kale. If it's undercooked, it's like chewing on grass. If overcooked, plastic.

[NobodyHere]

Originally Posted by Solecismic

I'd imagine a lot more people are asexual today. It's a daunting world and the environment/genetics combo can easily wind up with the conclusion that the species does not need one's progeny in order to survive.

Those who don't take that personally or consider it some sort of challenge to test might find that a new friend is also worth quite a bit.

I'm not sure what "seeing it through" means. If you knew this about her, and presumably Corinna knew this as well, why is this going on in Barbara's workplace? Doesn't seem quite fair to her.

Careful on the kale. If it's undercooked, it's like chewing on grass. If overcooked, plastic.

Well seeing it through meant that I asked her to brunch. After I asked she informed me that she was asexual. I didn't want to cancel the invitation because of that so that's what I meant by "seeing it through". I asked her out to brunch and I didn't cancel it due to her not wanting to be my prospective partner.

I don't think Corinna knew about Barbara being asexual as Corinna wanted me to hook up with her.

Also I went camping with a group this weekend that included a woman who was harping on the benefits of kale.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by NobodyHere

Also I went camping with a group this weekend that included a woman who was harping on the benefits of kale.

Between the asexual and the kale, I'm thinking the most obvious thing possible: you gotta change jobs, these people are fn nuts

[Ksyrup]

Now see, given my confidence level, I would have absolutely taken that as "I'm asexual since it's you who asked me out."

[Solecismic]

Originally Posted by Ksyrup

Now see, given my confidence level, I would have absolutely taken that as "I'm asexual since it's you who asked me out."

It's an odd thing to say to a co-worker. That's why I mentioned not taking it personally. There's been mention of many attempts to get her to join various activities, plus this "negotiation" of a brunch rather than dinner, whatever that means. And Corinna is supposedly a friend - she'd know if there had been some sort of declaration.

I think your response would be warranted here, but we've been saying from nearly the beginning that she's just not into him for whatever reason. It really doesn't matter why. The meetups are working. It's not important to have closure for a failure or pursue failures. Dating is about getting to know someone so that you can mutually decide if a relationship is a good idea. You don't just choose someone and a relationship manifests.

That's why I advocate the cold data approach. Maximize your opportunities to date, then take those opportunities to learn about someone. Going from 0-to-relationship in six seconds is a recipe for unhappiness.

If kale is a deal-breaker, try adding bacon. It kinda defeats the purpose of having kale in the first place, but they do work very well together.

[cuervo72]

Originally Posted by Fidatelo

Kale can be fine in amongst other things (like in a salad or baked into something, etc). I much prefer it over something like Quinoa, that stuff ruins everything people stick it in.

Younger Child, who is mostly eating potatoes, little veggie bites, and tofu these days tried making quinoa a couple of times. No matter what spices they put in it they could not get it to a point where they liked it. Pretty sure it was the quinoa.

I can do kale but yeah, it's not easy to cook well. Just give me spinach (or yeah, even canned collards).

Asexuality -- not all asexuals are aromantic! Of course pairing up with one may not be ideal if you like sex.

[Lathum]

I have an amazing recipe for a quinoa and haloumi dish.

[JonInMiddleGA]

And, weirdly, I can tolerate quinoa if I absolutely have to. I prefer to not be in a situation where I need to, but it's passable in a pinch.

[Jops]

Long time lurker, first time poster.

I've been married 2 years and found my wife through tinder, also dated office colleagues (well once, don't eat where you shit, works for some)

The most measured advice i've seen is from Jim. Dating is a numbers game, you have to be prepared to throw yourself out there and fail. When I would date I always approached it with the mentality of "if at the very least you get a good story, it was worth it"

So things didn't work out with Amber or Barbs, that sucks, on to the next one, you'll learn more about yourself as you do it.

I also recently watched this which I thought was interesting:
Hannah Fry: The mathematics of love | TED Talk

[Mota]

Good feedback from a first time poster! Welcome Jops!
Dating is actually a skill. You only get better by practicing.
And if you don't date a lot, there's a big chance you come across as desperate, and women can smell that from a mile away, and it doesn't smell good.

[NobodyHere]

Originally Posted by Solecismic

I'm not sure what "seeing it through" means. If you knew this about her, and presumably Corinna knew this as well, why is this going on in Barbara's workplace? Doesn't seem quite fair to her.

I asked her out to dinner, she told me she was asexual and I still went out for a meal with Barbara knowing that I basically had no chance. That's what I meant by "seeing it through".

And I doubt Corinna knew.

[NobodyHere]

So now lets introduce a new player on the board. We'll call her Amy. I met her on the Bumble dating app. I had misgivings about that app before but hey, I got more dates (well one) from it than I have on all other dating apps combined.

I went to dinner with her tonight and it went well enough to earn a second date next Friday. So wish me luck.

By the way, does anyone have any creative date ideas I can offer her next time?

ETA:

One thing that I will add is that she insisted that she pay for dinner (which was delicious). And this is despite my offering to pay for it. I guess I'm on the hook for the next meal.

[flere-imsaho]

Originally Posted by NobodyHere

So wish me luck.

Good luck!

By the way, does anyone have any creative date ideas I can offer her next time?

Ask her what she likes to do. Improvise from there.

[Edward64]

Bumble is the one where the women picks the guy? If so, a great sign.

Check out the Bumble profile and figure out what she likes?

[NobodyHere]

I'm almost afraid that Corinna has been murdered by her husband. How do I proceed?

Like seriously I am afraid. She texted me that she would tell her husband that she would separate from him. I am afraid on how he would take the news. The initial texts I got from "her" seemed to have inconsistencies in grammar than what she usually used. I'm really quite upset and have no idea what to do. Should I call the police based on suspicions?

[stevew]

Don’t get involved :shrug:

[NobodyHere]

Originally Posted by stevew

Don’t get involved :shrug:

I'm afraid it's too late.

[Edward64]

If you're going to continue to do this, consider getting a weapon (and training)?

At the very least, get a baseball bat you can put by the door.

[NobodyHere]

Well I know he owns a firearm so I don't know if a bat would be good enough.

[Edward64]

So, is she alive?

[stevew]

Dead?

[GrantDawg]

Has anyone checked on Nododyhere? Is it time to call the police?

[Edward64]

If we haven't heard back soon, I think we should reach out to police.

But should we give them a printout of this thread?

[Solecismic]

I'd hate to say this is preposterous and be wrong, but NH has shown some enjoyment of the cliff-hanger in this thread.

However, what could we do anyway? If people are hurt, I can't imagine the police don't already know about it. This isn't like a member reaching out about self-harm or a personal crisis.

Regarding his question about getting involved, if there's something specific that has him worried about Corinna's well-bring, that's when it's time to have the police do a welfare check.

If someone here were to do something, especially something related to the quoted address, that might well be swatting of some sort. We don't know anything, really.

So, no, aside from strongly recommending NH avoid brandishing baseball bats, I don't think it's a good idea that we do anything other than take a look at the Toledo newspapers.

[thesloppy]

Originally Posted by GrantDawg

Has anyone checked on Nododyhere? Is it time to call the police?

Last activity here was 11am today fwiw.

[NobodyHere]

Yeah, I'm still here. I'm still worried about the whole situation though.

[Lathum]

Originally Posted by GrantDawg

Has anyone checked on Nododyhere? Is it time to call the police?

No. He got himself into it he can get himself out....

[Lathum]

Originally Posted by NobodyHere

Yeah, I'm still here. I'm still worried about the whole situation though.

Originally Posted by Lathum

No. He got himself into it he can get himself out....

Perhaps I should have read the whole thread....