How to (successfully) hit on a coworker.

[stevew]

Cut bait.

[Qwikshot]

Originally Posted by NobodyHere

I'll ask this supposed wise board since I have know Idea what to do.

I was hoping for a partner.

My girlfriend right now is asking for permanent disability because of her anxiety. She is currently getting ECT treatments to help with her depression/anxiety.

I'm afraid i'll end up being a caretaker instead of a partner(which is what I really want).

Ugh, I don't know. She can be a substitute teacher. I want her to be able to become a full time teacher. But she just crumbles before any adversity.

Ugh. I love her.

This is why I'm going through a divorce right now. She quit an 80k job because the boss was mean to her. Took a contractor job she knew would end and did, and continued to spend money (now in debt 50k).

Her anxiety overrules all sensible thought. She was supposed to take the boys to school (8 minute drive) and I found out they both were late last year 15 plus times which converted to absences. When I confronted her on this, she said she couldn't get up and that they only were a few minutes late. I switched my hours at work to take the oldest into school (and his grades rebounded), only for her to make the younger one even more consistently late.

I love my wife, I want her better, but I have two young kids who need stability and support which is vacuumed up by the needs of my wife. I pulled the rip cord. The divorce is still ongoing and we are in therapy but she's unwilling to change and I've accepted that she is what she is.

She's paying one therapist (who I find completely worthless) about 100 dollars a week for zoom therapy. She has a psychiatrist who I find is dosing her with different drugs because nothing is improving her, but then she has to spend a few weeks clean because you can't start a new series of medication.

It's a mess.

She loves me, but she cannot help being self-destructive for whatever reason. I'm pretty numb to it.

Bascially I'll be losing my home, paying her child support and sharing custody with somebody who cannot make good decisions.

It's a mess.

[Edward64]

Originally Posted by NobodyHere

I'm afraid i'll end up being a caretaker instead of a partner(which is what I really want).
:
Ugh. I love her.

Honestly, I'm guessing you already know the answer.

[Mota]

Originally Posted by NobodyHere

I'll ask this supposed wise board since I have know Idea what to do.

I was hoping for a partner.

My girlfriend right now is asking for permanent disability because of her anxiety. She is currently getting ECT treatments to help with her depression/anxiety.

I'm afraid i'll end up being a caretaker instead of a partner(which is what I really want).

Ugh, I don't know. She can be a substitute teacher. I want her to be able to become a full time teacher. But she just crumbles before any adversity.

Ugh. I love her.

There are a lot of red flags in your post. You want her to be certain things, but she's not that person.

When she goes on permanent disability, what is going to happen? I know that you're very frugal with your money, so she's probably going to rely on you to take care of her. I don't think disability pays very much. Certainly not the lifestyle you're looking for, I'd say.

Also with any relationship, you're going to need to fight for each other, at some point. If she crumbles and isn't willing to fight for anything, your relationship definitely will not survive.

And I"m speaking from experience, I was previously married to someone like this. She quit university before finishing. Got her ideal job anyways, but after a year quit because it was too much. I ended up supporting her 100%. At some point she turned all of this against me, because I didn't make her happy enough, and she cheated on me.

Find someone who is going to fight for the things they want in life, and fight to keep the things they have.

[Kodos]

You want somebody who will be your partner. Someone who is an equal to you. This girl sounds like someone you'll end up carrying.

[Swaggs]

I will go in a different direction. I would look to see if she is willing to work on communicating better with you. You need to know what your expectations and concerns are and be able to communicate them to her. And she needs to be willing to communicate with you and let you know what she perceives her capacity to be (now and in the future). If they don't align with one another, you are going to have a tough time.

People with anxiety and depression get better and are worthy of being loved with their faults. At the same time, you are not required to make yourself overly uncomfortable for her. If she is willing to get ECT and is pursuing treatments with the intent to return to work and be fully functional, it could be worth sticking around to see what that looks like. I would definitely pump the breaks on any long-term commitment (moving in together, buying a house/property together, having kids), but if she gets moving in the right direction, you could have a nice future together.

As a side note, it is really hard to get disability for anxiety/depression and, under the best of circumstances, can take years to do so.

[NobodyHere]

Originally Posted by Swaggs

People with anxiety and depression get better and are worthy of being loved with their faults.

Originally Posted by Kodos

You want somebody who will be your partner. Someone who is an equal to you. This girl sounds like someone you'll end up carrying.

I think these quotes sum up the conflicting thoughts on the matter.

If I had my say in the practical perfect person it would be someone close to me in social and economical status. I mean I would love a supermodel billionaire bikini model but she hasn't come for me so far.

I just feel wrong for rejecting someone who has depression. I've had it to an extensive myself when I was younger. And to a smaller degree as an adult. So my naive self thinks it could get better.

On the other hand I could just try to find someone better. But as my posts on this thread can probably attest to, I get rather depressed when I'm single.

So In summary I dunno what to think. My relationship isn't perfect but I'd rather have her than no relationship.

[Edward64]

Originally Posted by NobodyHere

So In summary I dunno what to think. My relationship isn't perfect but I'd rather have her than no relationship.

My vote is no, too much drama & uncertainty. But that's just me.

At least you're going in this knowing (or can somewhat speculate) the pros & cons. You have a lot of info to make your decision.

[Flasch186]

You’re going to be so unhappy later because you can’t fix her

Only she can fix her

Until then she’ll break you

Then you’ll have to fix yourself

And if she really fixes herself at that point… she’ll leave you


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[Mota]

Here's another question. If you were the one in that position and maybe had developed a physical disability, would she fight for you?

If so, then maybe it's worth fighting for. But your comment about her folding under any pressure does concern me, because you don't want to be with someone who runs away as soon as there's any difficulty in your relationship, especially after you've likely sacrificed a lot to continue being with her.

[PilotMan]

You don't have to abandon her, but you are allowed to set boundaries and keep from committing the relationship from going to a deeper level. You can be supportive, loving, and still say that you need to step back because she needs to heal herself before she can or should be deeply involved with someone else.

It's not goodbye, and it's not forever, but perhaps it's not now. There could be a time where it works for you both, and maybe you find yourselves there together, but you both should recognize that maybe now isn't it.

[NobodyHere]

And honestly I hate modern health scientists. They're quick to subscribing pills and zapping brains but they don't get to the root of the problem why someone feels depressed.

This also gets into my own experiences with mental health therapists which I don't want to elaborate.

[NobodyHere]

I dunno, she is experiencing more anxiety about the ECT than she ever did with without them. But I don't know.

She was never perfect regardless. I dunno. Depression is a hell of a disease.

[Edward64]

Originally Posted by NobodyHere

And honestly I hate modern health scientists. They're quick to subscribing pills and zapping brains but they don't get to the root of the problem why someone feels depressed.

This also gets into my own experiences with mental health therapists which I don't want to elaborate.

FWIW, I have a close relative that saw a therapist who did not prescribe drugs, just talk therapy.

Ultimately, that did not help much. It was only seeing another therapist who prescribed drugs that we saw marked improvement.

This is just one data point. In my situation, my relative truly had chemical imbalances that was only helped with prescription drugs.

[Mota]

Originally Posted by Edward64

FWIW, I have a close relative that saw a therapist who did not prescribe drugs, just talk therapy.

Ultimately, that did not help much. It was only seeing another therapist who prescribed drugs that we saw marked improvement.

This is just one data point. In my situation, my relative truly had chemical imbalances that was only helped with prescription drugs.

That's the difference between being sad and having depression. Some people need medication, as they feel the effects of depression even if things are going well. It's a chemical imbalance. When I see posts online about people that turned around their lives because they got a new job, or a new boyfriend/girlfriend, that's not depression.

[NobodyHere]

Dang, I think we have a security breach.

So to be clear there is basically two meetup groups I belong to. Group A that is public that invites anyone and Group B that is private but basically invites everyone but the Trumper.

I posted an event for group B at a local park. We just happened to run into Trumper while we were doing our walk. I'm still trying to figure out if it was a coincidence or else did Trumper have a mole in our network.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by Mota

When I see posts online about people that turned around their lives because they got a new job, or a new boyfriend/girlfriend, that's not depression.

QFT

edit to add: There's a difference between "unhappy" and/or "sad", and "depressed". The distinctions are too often lost.

[NobodyHere]

Originally Posted by Kodos

You want somebody who will be your partner. Someone who is an equal to you. This girl sounds like someone you'll end up carrying.

Yeah this is true. I want someone to who is basically in the same stage of life as me.

There was a big rift this weekend between me and her. I picked her up on Saturday and she just started crying on Sunday that she forgot her depression medication. I drove her back to her place where she lives with her parents. She did not want to return to my place. This was Sunday evening. I drove back to my place alone and spent New Years alone. Without her I would've been with mutual friends (I was drinking enough to drive out).

I don't know what I'm getting out of this relationship anymore. Unless she fucks my brains out next weekend this relationship is over.

[Flasch186]

Like sands through the hourglass except you can still climb the fuck out.


Side bar, I once had a girl fly out to LA to see me (35 yrs ago) and upon arrival she let me know that her dad and brother (both police officers) were screwing her and there’s was nothing she could do…

Then I started to imagine how I could help her solve it all and rescue her

Then I realized, I don’t have to do shit and can save myself from having to be involved in this mess forever

I rescheduled her return flight for the next day and sent her packing.

Do I regret it?

Nope

She could save herself if she wants

You gotta save you


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[NobodyHere]

Yeah the writing is on the wall at this point but my emotions can't quite let her go just yet. I sent her a couple texts today but her answers rarely exceeded 3 characters.

I was to pick her up today but the weather was predicted to be bad. Next week she has plans with a mutual friend. If she was talking to me more than it would be fine. But really that isn't in her character so I should really just man-up and ask her directly what she thinks the state of the relationship is.

[NobodyHere]

So things have picked up and things are going better. But my concern is that she won't play Mario Kart with me. That is kind of a red line with me. How do I trick a woman into playing Mario Kart with me. I have the controllers and everything.

[Brian Swartz]

If that's a red line, you're in trouble.

[SienaHigh]

Originally Posted by NobodyHere

So things have picked up and things are going better. But my concern is that she won't play Mario Kart with me. That is kind of a red line with me. How do I trick a woman into playing Mario Kart with me. I have the controllers and everything.

one can only hope this was a euphemism for tapping her rear bumper. otherwise yeesh.

[NobodyHere]

Originally Posted by Brian Swartz

If that's a red line, you're in trouble.

I know right? Mario Kart is a really fun game.

[NobodyHere]

Well Damn, I found out that she played Mario Kart with her brother and she still won't play Mario Kart with me. I feel kind of left out.

And no Mario Kart isn't a euphuism for anything.

[NobodyHere]

But in all seriousness I think this is an underlying issue between me and her right now, as least from my perspective. She has refused to partake in my interests while I think I have been more than willing to partake in hers.

We do have some matching interests so there has been some good times.

[Ksyrup]

Maybe she views this particular interest as childish (or views it as something from her childhood) and not something she wants to do with a love interest? Other than Mario Kart, anything else you enjoy that she won't do with you?

[Mota]

My wife doesn't go to progressive metal concerts with me anymore. We did go see Dream Theater together once, she was tired after almost 2 hours of playing what seemed like one long song to her, and I said don't worry, it's the encore. Just 3 more songs. And those 3 songs came up to 45 minutes. She never went back.

[Ksyrup]

Lol. I'm trying to get my wife to go see Leprous with me this fall. Doubt it will happen. She did go to see Amigo the Devil and Clutch with me although I don't think she'd say she enjoyed it if she's being honest.

I remember decades ago when we lived in Florida going with her to some soap opera star weekend at Disney or Universal. Sometimes you just do what you gotta do.

[JonInMiddleGA]

We generally ended up opting for the opposite approach: why force someone you ostensibly care about to be miserable?

I had/have my things, she had her things, and eventually those kinda rarely intersected (just being honest about it). But that was better than dealing with making each other miserable forcing them into something they didn't enjoy.

In 30 years I don't believe my wife ever went to see any band I liked with the exception of a couple bar band gigs involving friends of mine. I managed to cope.

edit to add: That said, I have no doubt that my approach of being totally fine with that was influenced by remembering how absolutely miserable it was to sit through a tedious concert with a girlfriend many many years ago. I vowed after that experience to never go to a show where there wasn't at least a fighting chance I'd enjoy the band(s), and I stuck to that. There's enough suffering in life without inflicting misery on yourself voluntarily.

[Kodos]

It’s fine to have different tastes. I see little point in either of us having to take one for the team.

[flere-imsaho]

There's gray areas, though. My wife has taken me to Ravinia to see artists I'm only "meh" about, but it's not like they grate on me or something. And having a picnic on the lawn and likely catching up with friends who also came, before the concert itself, is fun enough.

[NobodyHere]

I just realized how nerdy I seem in this thread. My girlfriend gives me sex (as long as I pay for dinner) but she won't give me Mario Kart.

I dunno what to think anymore.

[NobodyHere]

Originally Posted by Ksyrup

Maybe she views this particular interest as childish (or views it as something from her childhood) and not something she wants to do with a love interest? Other than Mario Kart, anything else you enjoy that she won't do with you?

Watch Star Wars or Lord of the Rings?

[Ksyrup]

You're not helping.

[NobodyHere]

Originally Posted by Ksyrup

You're not helping.

I find this common in my life.

[NobodyHere]

I think I'm insane. I just spent 15 minutes arguing with a plushy.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by NobodyHere

I think I'm insane. I just spent 15 minutes arguing with a plushy.

Who won?

[NobodyHere]

I don't think there were any winners.

[NobodyHere]

So holy shit. Supposedly I just won 2000 playing music bingo.

[Ksyrup]

Should be much easlier to hit on someone now, I would imagine.

[NobodyHere]

Yeah she ended it. I'm not complaining. I'm kind of glad in the end. She wanted to be on disability. I want a partner and not someone I had to take care of.

[NobodyHere]

Now its up to me to decide on how to blow my $2000 winnings. I was going to split it with her since I won it on a date night but now I feel free from any obligations.

Any ideas?

The funny thing is that my former flame actually won a Vegas trip (probably worth in real money roughly $300) a week after I won my prize.

Good luck to her finding someone to finance her vacation (which didn't include plane tickets).

[Edward64]

Put it on NVDA … for your FIRE goal.

[NobodyHere]

Originally Posted by Edward64

Put it on NVDA … for your FIRE goal.

Ya know I actually just reached my initial FIRE goal, at least before all the inflation took place. I actually feel like I have enough FU money to quit my job. Unfortunately due to the current inflation I need another year or two to build up enough savings for a proper leanFIRE retirement.

[NobodyHere]

Originally Posted by stevew

Cut bait.

I should've done as you asked.

[Edward64]

Originally Posted by NobodyHere

Ya know I actually just reached my initial FIRE goal, at least before all the inflation took place. I actually feel like I have enough FU money to quit my job. Unfortunately due to the current inflation I need another year or two to build up enough savings for a proper leanFIRE retirement.

Congrats, keep at it.

Don't underestimate healthcare expenses!

[NobodyHere]

Originally Posted by Edward64

Congrats, keep at it.

Don't underestimate healthcare expenses!

I still need to do some more research but basically I would expect to fall under medicaid.

[NobodyHere]

And my office hired someone who isn't female with big boobs.

Is there somewhere I can complain to? I mean the person hired isn't female at all!

I guess my life has to continue to suck.

[Flasch186]

And this thread has gone full circle back to the very beginning

I encourage you to read it yourself

See that when your attitude changed so did your relationships

Start that again


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