Parents Anonymous, FOFC Branch

[Radii]

Originally Posted by PilotMan

My wife and I always try and keep a runnning track of things that we have had to tell our kids, that are things that you should not ever have to tell your kids. Some of these are pretty funny.

Your kids really like poop. I know all (boys at least) find poop to be a hilarious thing to talk about, but wow!

[PilotMan]

Originally Posted by Radii

Your kids really like poop. I know all (boys at least) find poop to be a hilarious thing to talk about, but wow!

Ohhhh, have I got a story or two for you! You have no idea.

This is an exerpt from a journal writing that my wife did:

From Feb 22, 2005 -
"Zachary has taken to poop painting. It's really gross to discuss but on three seprerate occasions he's removed his diaper, taken the poop out, or squated and pooped on his train set, filled up the freight cars and taken it for a ride, stopping to rub it on any available surface. Can I say yuck?"

Yeah, glad we are past that stage. Ean had a day where he was supposed to lay down for his nap, he took his diaper off, pooped in the crib and had painted it all over his toys, crib, himself. Needless to say he was off to the bath.

[FrogMan]

Originally Posted by PilotMan

One of the biggest problems that I face is where to draw the line between being a parent with a lot of influence in my children's lives and where to be the bread winner and be responsible for our quality of life. My job is unique in that I am not home every day. In fact, I can be gone for days at a time and home again for days at a time. Sometimes, the transition between daddy being home and gone is difficult. My family gets into routines that I screw up by being home, and that is a source for friction.

We live in very fragile financial state. The investment to do what I do was very costly. Not only in terms of lost wages by being a student for 13mo, but also making next to nothing for 2 yrs. Look at it this way, my wife worked a part time job while I worked 2 jobs. In the end, she still made more money than I did. The cost of my training, coupled with the CC debt and money borrowed from family members has put us in a large hole. Think 6 figures plus. About 80% of the debt is off the books, as it is money that I owe my parents, and money that is not in my name. But it is still money owed. Of course, at the time the aviation industry was in a good state, and the expected return on investment was very good compared to comparable industries. Not so much now.

Kids go through this very important development stage up to the age of 3, where they are developing the personality, and mindset that will set the stage for how they develop the rest of thier lives. Cole's three and under years were hard, and it is plain to see the impact that it had on him, and how it affects him today. Basically, his Mom worked up to 3 jobs at a time, and he stayed home with his deadbeat grandma. This was like being on his own essentially, as she didn't pay a whole lot of attention to him.

Anyway, back to the point, my wife and I share the opinion that our family is more important than being financially secure. I need to be home as much as my job will allow, so that I can be the leader, father, and have the impact on my kids lives that I missed out upon as my parents divorced when I was two. Yet, I am the bread winner, it is my problem if we can't pay the bills. It is my problem if our house/duplex is too small for our family. It is my problem if there isn't enough money send our kids to any extra activities, like soccer, instrument lessons, karate, etc.

I feel totally handcuffed. I have held the road that my family is #1, and I try and stay home as much as I can, but I feel horrible when we can't afford to do things, and we struggle on our tight budget every month.

Now, with the company in bankruptcy, there are going to be layoffs (furlough's) as well as a pay cut. I don't make a whole lot, my base is around 36k, but I should make around 50k this year. The pay cut is going to be in the neighborhood of 10-13%. That is going to be significant to us. I still have to feed 5 people. I still have to pay the bills, and and the credit cards that got us through training.

So now there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Our lives are stuck here in limbo, when we though we would be getting free of some of it, we are mired in a bog that won't let us go. We are so tired of just getting by. Tired, of going paycheck to paychek. Tired of never seeing or feeling like we are making any progress. And I am tired of feeling like a failure and that I have let my family down, or lead them down the wrong path. A failure that I have family members holding promissory notes and not able to pay them any money. I am squeezed by the fact that I have to be committed to this career, that I cannot work for a smaller airline, as I couldn't handle the paycut. The other option is to leave the career alltoghether and go back to restaurant management, or something else where I could start off making the same amount of money right away. Right now, I can't see doing that either, because of all the time that it took just to get here, to a job that I really like.

I am leaving on a trip today, I guess I am feeling it.

Thanks for listening.

wow, rough times. Hang in there my friend, there'll be better days. Just so you know my words are not empty, let me tell you our story, which I find so very similar to yours, albeit probably not as serious (although when you're in it, it's always the most serious situation in the world).

When we got our house built in 1999, it was under the assumption that we had two salaries to pay for it, two fairly good, if not huge salaries. Not a big house mind you, but a nice two story house, that maybe was stretching our
budget a little but that we still could afford. Only Andrew was in the picture at the time, but we designed the floorplan of the house with a third bedroom on the second floor of the house. 2004 came and Matthew came with it, in
January. There's a nice government plan in Quebec that allows a mom to take up to a year off work while receiving about 55% or her previous income, so my wife was to go back to work in November or so. As the months were going by, she started dreading going back to work, well not really back to work, but back to doing that work. It was not evolving into what they'd promised her she would be doing. I told her, maybe now was the time to look for something else, relaunch your career, which she did. She found a place where she would start in January, in her field of work, Plastics transformation, where she'd be doing more mould designing and no Quality Assurance, which she was absolutely tired of doing. (she once told me she'd jump off a cliff instead of going back to being a manager in Quality Assurance. I went a bit parano and told her to never ever use this analogy, EVER) Fast forward to January, she starts her new job, with a little pay cut, but that was okay, we were still doing fine. I had to cut on a few of my enjoyments, but kids were not missing of anything and house payments were not that big a hurdle. They decided to let her go in April, after less than three months, telling her they thought she would never be any good in design. She was devastated. She started looking for another job, which she foudn after a month. That new job is where she is now. It involves adjusting and installing plastic moulds, a very physical job in which she works night shifts, for 60% the pay rate she used to work in the job she had before Matthew was born. We're now really stretched. Kids are still not missing anything, but we've cut all entertainment expenses, save for my one buy of a game a year (you now know why I enjoy FM2005 so much, it's my one big expense )

When I say our situation is similar to yours is when I read you say "I am leaving on a trip today, I guess I am feeling it." It's exactly how she felt on Sunday night when she had to go in to work. She'd now realized she probably wouldn't be doing this physical job all her life, but every start of a new week would bring her down more and she'd be irritable all Sunday long, leading to her not enjoying being around the kids as much, until I talked her into consulting her doctor. She was diagnosed with severe depression about three weeks ago and prescribed medications. She's been seeing a psychologist once a week since then and she's feeling better, smilier (is that a word) by the day. We're not all that much better financially, but she keeps looking, with enthusiasm now, instead of dread.

What I mean by my very long story is that, you don't know how, you don't know when, but things will get better.

Best of luck to you...

FM

[PilotMan]

You know it could be worse. We put two offers on houses this summer. Both were rejected. If we had purchased the house our situation would be dire. At least we still rent, and at least it is affordable. If we had purchased a house we would be in bankruptcy right now.

[sachmo71]

Originally Posted by PilotMan

One of the biggest problems that I face is where to draw the line between being a parent with a lot of influence in my children's lives and where to be the bread winner and be responsible for our quality of life. My job is unique in that I am not home every day. In fact, I can be gone for days at a time and home again for days at a time. Sometimes, the transition between daddy being home and gone is difficult. My family gets into routines that I screw up by being home, and that is a source for friction.

We live in very fragile financial state. The investment to do what I do was very costly. Not only in terms of lost wages by being a student for 13mo, but also making next to nothing for 2 yrs. Look at it this way, my wife worked a part time job while I worked 2 jobs. In the end, she still made more money than I did. The cost of my training, coupled with the CC debt and money borrowed from family members has put us in a large hole. Think 6 figures plus. About 80% of the debt is off the books, as it is money that I owe my parents, and money that is not in my name. But it is still money owed. Of course, at the time the aviation industry was in a good state, and the expected return on investment was very good compared to comparable industries. Not so much now.

Kids go through this very important development stage up to the age of 3, where they are developing the personality, and mindset that will set the stage for how they develop the rest of thier lives. Cole's three and under years were hard, and it is plain to see the impact that it had on him, and how it affects him today. Basically, his Mom worked up to 3 jobs at a time, and he stayed home with his deadbeat grandma. This was like being on his own essentially, as she didn't pay a whole lot of attention to him.

Anyway, back to the point, my wife and I share the opinion that our family is more important than being financially secure. I need to be home as much as my job will allow, so that I can be the leader, father, and have the impact on my kids lives that I missed out upon as my parents divorced when I was two. Yet, I am the bread winner, it is my problem if we can't pay the bills. It is my problem if our house/duplex is too small for our family. It is my problem if there isn't enough money send our kids to any extra activities, like soccer, instrument lessons, karate, etc.

I feel totally handcuffed. I have held the road that my family is #1, and I try and stay home as much as I can, but I feel horrible when we can't afford to do things, and we struggle on our tight budget every month.

Now, with the company in bankruptcy, there are going to be layoffs (furlough's) as well as a pay cut. I don't make a whole lot, my base is around 36k, but I should make around 50k this year. The pay cut is going to be in the neighborhood of 10-13%. That is going to be significant to us. I still have to feed 5 people. I still have to pay the bills, and and the credit cards that got us through training.

So now there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Our lives are stuck here in limbo, when we though we would be getting free of some of it, we are mired in a bog that won't let us go. We are so tired of just getting by. Tired, of going paycheck to paychek. Tired of never seeing or feeling like we are making any progress. And I am tired of feeling like a failure and that I have let my family down, or lead them down the wrong path. A failure that I have family members holding promissory notes and not able to pay them any money. I am squeezed by the fact that I have to be committed to this career, that I cannot work for a smaller airline, as I couldn't handle the paycut. The other option is to leave the career alltoghether and go back to restaurant management, or something else where I could start off making the same amount of money right away. Right now, I can't see doing that either, because of all the time that it took just to get here, to a job that I really like.

I am leaving on a trip today, I guess I am feeling it.

Thanks for listening.

Pilotman,

That sounds like an awful postion to be in. I hope things work out for you guys. I have a feeling avation will open back up again once fuel prices go down and stay down for a while. As you know, in resturant management, you hardly have any time at home anyway if you want to get anywhere, and the work pretty much sucks.

[KevinNU7]

Hey Qwik congrats on the move to Australia (General Discussion) hope everything works out alright with Zia

[Buzzbee]

Hmmm...great idea Coug, but that's what I've come to expect from you. I'll post more when I have time.

It sounds like I'm a bit out of place in this thread. Radii is probably my closest ally. I have two daughters, 14 and 10. Both are from my wife's previous marriage. My oldest was 6 when my wife and I met, the youngest 2. We got married when they were 8 and 4. I adopted them both 3 years ago. I never had the joy of diapers, thank goodness, but I'm getting paid back for it now.

Steph, 14, is a freshman in high school. I hate high school boys. ERRRRRR!!!!! Stay AWAY from my DAUGHTER!! She doesn't make it easy though. She has to be in constant contact with her friends. She will be on the house phone, her cell phone, or AIM. Sometimes all three!!!

Needless to say, Sammi is quite the 10 year old angel at this point. Her sister makes her look gooooooood.

I'm sure I'll have lots of stories for y'all.


By the way, in regard to "I'm sorry" don't worry it will go away. However, it will be replaced by "Just kidding" right after they say the meanest thing they could possibly say.

Whhheeeeeee!!!! This is fun!!

[Qwikshot]

Originally Posted by KevinNU7

Hey Qwik congrats on the move to Australia (General Discussion) hope everything works out alright with Zia

Well it's just two weeks, it'll be, "Can I really live here" type of experience...Zia is cool with it, but I know she's a bit apprehensive.

But I plan just to see if I'll like it...I wouldn't abandon Zia.

[oliegirl]

By the way, in regard to "I'm sorry" don't worry it will go away. However, it will be replaced by "Just kidding" right after they say the meanest thing they could possibly say.

I don't know which post this is in regard to, but it reminded me of something that is driving me crazy, so I'll post about it:

Anthony has recently started a very annoying habit. When he does something wrong and one of us says "Anthony, why did you do that", or "Anthony, be careful", or "Anthony, pay more attention to what you are doing"...his response is to look at whoever is talking to him with this stupid expression - kind of like to say "I know you are speaking English, but I have no idea what you just said to me". He stands like this, not saying anything or doing anything, until one of us tells him what to do. Case in point...

He had a plastic glass on a coaster, and when he picked it up, the coaster was attached to the glass - I told him "Anthony, watch what you are doing" but he stood there and just looked at me until the coaster fell off the cup and onto his dinner plate which was covered in syrup (waffles for dinner every once in a while). Then I said "Anthony, please pay more attention to what you are doing", at which point he balanced the plate on one hand while trying to pick the coaster out of the syrup...which is when I said "No, just leave it and put it in the sink to be washed"...but it was too late and the coaster slipped out of his hand and landed on the carpet. I figured he would be smart enough to know to put the plate down, pick up the coaster, and then bring everything into the kitchen to be washed. But he just stood there. So I said, "Pick up the coaster"...he picked it up and stood there. So I said "Put everything in the sink", but he just stared at me...which is when I lost it and yelled for radii to come handle the situation. Once everything was in the sink and the carpet was wiped up, I figured I'd get an "I'm sorry" - but nothing, he just continued to stand there like a bump on a log. Which made me angrier. So I looked at Richard and said "All that, and we still haven't even heard I am sorry"...Anthony says "I'm sorry" and then we go through the speech about how if you have to ask for an apology, it doesn't really mean much and if you do something wrong, just apologize for it and then fix it.

Fast forward to yesterday - we get over to my dad's house to hang out awhile before karate. After about 2 hours, we head out and I see that his car door is open...I say "Why is your door open"...he looks at the door and says "I dont' know". I say "Well, did you close it"...he says "I guess not". So I take some deep breaths, get in and start the car...as we are backing out of the driveway I say "Hmm, still no I'm Sorry". He says "I'm sorry" but clearly doesn't mean it, and I have to go through the whole speech again.

I never thought saying I'm sorry was a difficult thing. We have told him millions of times that just saying it means alot to the other person, and that it's a good thing to say when you have done something wrong or messed up - even if it's just something small. Any ideas of how to get this through his thick skull????

[Buzzbee]

Originally Posted by oliegirl

I don't know which post this is in regard to, but it reminded me of something that is driving me crazy, so I'll post about it:

Anthony has recently started a very annoying habit. When he does something wrong and one of us says "Anthony, why did you do that", or "Anthony, be careful", or "Anthony, pay more attention to what you are doing"...his response is to look at whoever is talking to him with this stupid expression - kind of like to say "I know you are speaking English, but I have no idea what you just said to me". He stands like this, not saying anything or doing anything, until one of us tells him what to do. Case in point...

He had a plastic glass on a coaster, and when he picked it up, the coaster was attached to the glass - I told him "Anthony, watch what you are doing" but he stood there and just looked at me until the coaster fell off the cup and onto his dinner plate which was covered in syrup (waffles for dinner every once in a while). Then I said "Anthony, please pay more attention to what you are doing", at which point he balanced the plate on one hand while trying to pick the coaster out of the syrup...which is when I said "No, just leave it and put it in the sink to be washed"...but it was too late and the coaster slipped out of his hand and landed on the carpet. I figured he would be smart enough to know to put the plate down, pick up the coaster, and then bring everything into the kitchen to be washed. But he just stood there. So I said, "Pick up the coaster"...he picked it up and stood there. So I said "Put everything in the sink", but he just stared at me...which is when I lost it and yelled for radii to come handle the situation. Once everything was in the sink and the carpet was wiped up, I figured I'd get an "I'm sorry" - but nothing, he just continued to stand there like a bump on a log. Which made me angrier. So I looked at Richard and said "All that, and we still haven't even heard I am sorry"...Anthony says "I'm sorry" and then we go through the speech about how if you have to ask for an apology, it doesn't really mean much and if you do something wrong, just apologize for it and then fix it.

Fast forward to yesterday - we get over to my dad's house to hang out awhile before karate. After about 2 hours, we head out and I see that his car door is open...I say "Why is your door open"...he looks at the door and says "I dont' know". I say "Well, did you close it"...he says "I guess not". So I take some deep breaths, get in and start the car...as we are backing out of the driveway I say "Hmm, still no I'm Sorry". He says "I'm sorry" but clearly doesn't mean it, and I have to go through the whole speech again.

I never thought saying I'm sorry was a difficult thing. We have told him millions of times that just saying it means alot to the other person, and that it's a good thing to say when you have done something wrong or messed up - even if it's just something small. Any ideas of how to get this through his thick skull????

My first thought is that since these were 'accidents' he doesn't feel a need to say he is sorry. If he intentionally got syrup on the carpet, I'm guessing an "I'm sorry" would follow. Since he didn't intend to leave the car door open, and since no harm was done, he probably doesn't think there is a need for an "I'm sorry."

Just my guess.

[FrogMan]

We all get our little momemts of pride where we can...

I've been venting about Andrew quite a bit around here but today the kid made daddy proud, so I have to say it too...

We had karate class, him with a kids group, me with an adults group. The two class are separate by a wall, in a way, both teachers are back to back, with a wall that goes about 80% of the width of the two classes, meaning I can see his class through the multiple mirrors on the side wall if I want to, and he can see mine the same way. I try to not pay too much attention to his class, since I do karate also for me and I want to be the example of what to do, and practicing is what I want him to do, not stare at is dad.

Anyway, I caught glimpes of what they'd been working on today and it was about the same we'd been working on on our side, self-defense techniques. Comes the end of both our classes. On our side of the wall, after meditation, our teacher went through some general comments on what we worked on and how we should gear our practicing in the future, all the while I'm hearing my son's teacher talking and he doesn't look happy. I'm hearing stuff like "some of you didn't pay attention", "some other were just not working well at all", "I was disappointed with some of you"... At that point, I have no direct line of view to where my son is sitting, but you know what goes through my mind: "there we go again, Andrew's been fooling around more than practicing" all that based on his past in either the schoolroom, or in some karate practices, where he's been known to fool around and not always practice when asked to.

Final salute to my teacher comes, say bye to my teacher and my son comes walking my way, neither smiling, nor pouting, the kind of hard to gauge face. Walking by Stephane, Andrew's teacher, I simply something like : "so tough class today, how was Andrew?" and his answer is what made daddy proud... "Oh Andrew practiced real well today, he really wasn't one of the bad ones"

Needless to say, I was glowing I congratulated Andrew on his good karate work ethics and told him that he couldn't have made me prouder than by simply doing what he's supposed to do, that I didn't need anything superspecial from him. I kind of got the feeling he was happy I made him the remark, but he really glowed too when we got home and I told the story to my wife, his mom. He looked so proud to have been mentioned as a good worker, was nice to see

That is all for today.

FM

[Radii]

Originally Posted by Buzzbee

My first thought is that since these were 'accidents' he doesn't feel a need to say he is sorry. If he intentionally got syrup on the carpet, I'm guessing an "I'm sorry" would follow. Since he didn't intend to leave the car door open, and since no harm was done, he probably doesn't think there is a need for an "I'm sorry."

In many of those types of cases an outright apology isn't really expected. An "oops" or anything at all acknowledging the fact that something wasn't the way it should be would be perfectly fine with me. It's one of those things when, no matter how brief the comment/lecture/lesson may be, he just gives you a dull stare that seems to imply that he just wants you to shut up so he can go play.

The ones that come to my mind are times when he has left something of mine or oliegirl's downstairs where the dog can(and inevitably does) eat it. He'll act like he's mad at us for having him pick up the mess, and certainly shows no remorse for allowing something that wasn't his to get destroyed(another constant battle, if it's not his, it's pretty much worthless, course that's one of the ones where I certainly remember being that way as a kid so it's easier for me to deal with).

[WSUCougar]

Soccer went very well. Drew did what the coach asked almost the whole time...he still needs to work on his scrimmage skills (i.e., actually trying to kick the ball would be nice, heh), but definitely his best practice.

We topped that off with a local train show, and he had a great Saturday.

[sachmo71]

I'm at home today with my son, who is sick.
He's such a sweet kid, even in the midst of the "terrible twos".
He says "No!" a lot, and sometimes hits, but he's quick to say he's sorry, so it's not that bad. He's learning.

My concern with him is that he's going to be a sensative guy. I live that...it's sort of a double edged sword. Hopefully I can teach him a few things about how to deal with it, but unfortunately, he's going to have to learn a lot of things on his own.

I feel for him...I really do. It's not all bad, but his school years are going to be interesting.

[WSUCougar]

Originally Posted by sachmo71

My concern with him is that he's going to be a sensative guy. I live that...it's sort of a double edged sword. Hopefully I can teach him a few things about how to deal with it, but unfortunately, he's going to have to learn a lot of things on his own.

Me too. On all counts.

[WSUCougar]

Have any of you seen the penguin claymation show "Pingu" on PBS Kids Sprout?

Good god, is it hilarious. It might wear off eventually, but as of now it is laugh-out-loud funny to me (and my wife) virtually every time I see it.

Oh, and Drew likes it, too.

[sachmo71]

Originally Posted by WSUCougar

Have any of you seen the penguin claymation show "Pingu" on PBS Kids Sprout?

Good god, is it hilarious. It might wear off eventually, but as of now it is laugh-out-loud funny to me (and my wife) virtually every time I see it.

Oh, and Drew likes it, too.

no, but i'll watch for it. what time does it usually run?

[FrogMan]

Originally Posted by sachmo71

no, but i'll watch for it. what time does it usually run?

same here, I'll keep an eye for it.

Speaking of TV shows, Matty is only getting interested in TV and he's absolutely hooked on a Quebec made kiddie show called "Caillou". Andrew had many tapes of it and we pulled one out over the weekend and Matty just stayed there, mesmerized by the TV screen

While we've got mostly tapes of it in French, I know they made an English version of it and that PBS was showing it. I recommend it for kiddos ages 18 months up to maybe 4. Caillou is a little boy and the show tells stories of his everyday life.

Just found the pbs page for the show:
http://pbskids.org/caillou/

FM

[ibnsgirl]

Not that Lucy is anywhere near old enough, but it's too bad we don't get PBS. I have fond memories of Sesame Street... At least we have Baby Einstein on dvd.

And penguins are funny period. I'll try to catch Pingu next time we are in the big city.

[WSUCougar]

Originally Posted by sachmo71

what time does it usually run?

It's on as a short "tweener" throughout the day. The new Sprout format makes shows harder to track.

And Drew really enjoys the English version of Caillou, FrogMan.

[PilotMan]

Originally Posted by WSUCougar

And Drew really enjoys the English version of Caillou, FrogMan.

As does Zachary. He says, "it's about a little boy who is just like me." You should check our pbskids.org, and see the games that are there for little ones based on the tv shows.

[PilotMan]

Originally Posted by oliegirl

I don't know which post this is in regard to, but it reminded me of something that is driving me crazy, so I'll post about it:

Anthony has recently started a very annoying habit. When he does something wrong and one of us says "Anthony, why did you do that", or "Anthony, be careful", or "Anthony, pay more attention to what you are doing"...his response is to look at whoever is talking to him with this stupid expression - kind of like to say "I know you are speaking English, but I have no idea what you just said to me". He stands like this, not saying anything or doing anything, until one of us tells him what to do. Case in point...

He had a plastic glass on a coaster, and when he picked it up, the coaster was attached to the glass - I told him "Anthony, watch what you are doing" but he stood there and just looked at me until the coaster fell off the cup and onto his dinner plate which was covered in syrup (waffles for dinner every once in a while). Then I said "Anthony, please pay more attention to what you are doing", at which point he balanced the plate on one hand while trying to pick the coaster out of the syrup...which is when I said "No, just leave it and put it in the sink to be washed"...but it was too late and the coaster slipped out of his hand and landed on the carpet. I figured he would be smart enough to know to put the plate down, pick up the coaster, and then bring everything into the kitchen to be washed. But he just stood there. So I said, "Pick up the coaster"...he picked it up and stood there. So I said "Put everything in the sink", but he just stared at me...which is when I lost it and yelled for radii to come handle the situation. Once everything was in the sink and the carpet was wiped up, I figured I'd get an "I'm sorry" - but nothing, he just continued to stand there like a bump on a log. Which made me angrier. So I looked at Richard and said "All that, and we still haven't even heard I am sorry"...Anthony says "I'm sorry" and then we go through the speech about how if you have to ask for an apology, it doesn't really mean much and if you do something wrong, just apologize for it and then fix it.

Fast forward to yesterday - we get over to my dad's house to hang out awhile before karate. After about 2 hours, we head out and I see that his car door is open...I say "Why is your door open"...he looks at the door and says "I dont' know". I say "Well, did you close it"...he says "I guess not". So I take some deep breaths, get in and start the car...as we are backing out of the driveway I say "Hmm, still no I'm Sorry". He says "I'm sorry" but clearly doesn't mean it, and I have to go through the whole speech again.

I never thought saying I'm sorry was a difficult thing. We have told him millions of times that just saying it means alot to the other person, and that it's a good thing to say when you have done something wrong or messed up - even if it's just something small. Any ideas of how to get this through his thick skull????

I was reading this and I think that he is just being a boy. Cole has done and still does things similar. It is a brutal phase as parents. I have come to the point that boys go through this phase where, things like this and FM's lying are where the boys are trying to figure out how the "world" works. They havn't developed logic, and are therefore incapable of acting on it. I have a funny feeling that it is also how teenage boys get into trouble as they get a little older too. For instance, why did I jump my VW Bug over some RR tracks and make it pretend like it was the "Dukes of Hazzard?" I would never do this now, nor did I even comprehend how much damage I could have done to the car or myself, or my 2 passengers. Crazy, but it all boils down to logic. Boys will try the most rediculous things because they are learning. I have hammered Cole so many times, and caught him in so many lies, and he knew that I already knew the truth. Still he just didn't want to admit what he did, or lied to see if it would work to get him out of trouble. As a parent it is like banging your head on a brick wall. Basically, I don't think that there is anything wrong with either of them. I would say they are both totally normal.

[Radii]

Originally Posted by PilotMan

For instance, why did I jump my VW Bug over some RR tracks and make it pretend like it was the "Dukes of Hazzard?"

Because the Dukes of Hazzard was freaking awesome!!! I see no problem with this.

I would say they are both totally normal.

I agree here. With Oliegirl's and my son, we see that he is so incredibly smart and picks up on things at all different levels so quickly, so when he gets stuck on something and goes through a phase, normal or not, where he just can't progress to the next level of thinking over a long period of time, it is frustrating. But I don't doubt at all that its normal.

[PilotMan]

Funny story from yesterday. It was naptime at our house and I was dozing at the computer, when my 3 yr old, Zachary, runs in screaming what sounds like, "Dos birds are eating mama's tomatoes!" Shaken awake, I think "birds?" I go take a look and birds becomes boys. We have some tomato plants next to a fence that we have been having a problem with neighborhood boys picking them and either eating them or throwing them into our yard. It is pretty late in the season, so I wasn't overly worried about it, but I did talk to them. Anyway, Mrs. PilotMan was being informed of what took place by Zach and he told her that he yelled at them (from his second floor window), and used the magic words. My wife said, "You said, please?" He replied, "No. I said 'GET OUT OF MOMS GARDEN!'" My wife and I both cracked up. I love this age.

[FrogMan]

Originally Posted by PilotMan

Funny story from yesterday. It was naptime at our house and I was dozing at the computer, when my 3 yr old, Zachary, runs in screaming what sounds like, "Dos birds are eating mama's tomatoes!" Shaken awake, I think "birds?" I go take a look and birds becomes boys. We have some tomato plants next to a fence that we have been having a problem with neighborhood boys picking them and either eating them or throwing them into our yard. It is pretty late in the season, so I wasn't overly worried about it, but I did talk to them. Anyway, Mrs. PilotMan was being informed of what took place by Zach and he told her that he yelled at them (from his second floor window), and used the magic words. My wife said, "You said, please?" He replied, "No. I said 'GET OUT OF MOMS GARDEN!'" My wife and I both cracked up. I love this age.

LOL!

FM

[MacroGuru]

Hows this....

So, I hate facial hair, but I have been attempting to grow a goatte (I say attempt because I look really awful with it, and honestly, facial hair growth isn't in me right now) for my Halloween Costume of being a pirate.

So the baby, Nicholas, has just tortured my poor wife yesterday, so when I get home, I go and take him from her. He starts wailing and gives me the who the hell are you look. I try to fight past it, thinking he was just upset I took him from her. He keeps it up, and I am just getting frustrated, and the wife says "I don't think he likes the facial hair" I laugh it off as nonsense....but he cries and does not want anything to do with me.

Well, I go upstairs and shave........guess who is daddy's little guy again...He just didn't want the weird looking stranger holding him....

[sachmo71]

Originally Posted by indoorsoccersim

Hows this....

So, I hate facial hair, but I have been attempting to grow a goatte (I say attempt because I look really awful with it, and honestly, facial hair growth isn't in me right now) for my Halloween Costume of being a pirate.

So the baby, Nicholas, has just tortured my poor wife yesterday, so when I get home, I go and take him from her. He starts wailing and gives me the who the hell are you look. I try to fight past it, thinking he was just upset I took him from her. He keeps it up, and I am just getting frustrated, and the wife says "I don't think he likes the facial hair" I laugh it off as nonsense....but he cries and does not want anything to do with me.

Well, I go upstairs and shave........guess who is daddy's little guy again...He just didn't want the weird looking stranger holding him....

Which is why I had to sport my goat two more years than I wanted to.

[WSUCougar]

Drew uncorked a serious bad dream last night around 2:00 a.m. We had a thunderstorm roll through right before bed time, and I think he took that to heart.

My wife is a lighter sleep than me, so she always hears him first. She asked me to go comfort Drew, but I was groggy and didn't respond fast enough, so she got a little annoyed with me and did it herself. All I knew was that I woke up in the middle of the night and she was a little pissed at me for some reason.

No harm, no foul.

[FrogMan]

Originally Posted by WSUCougar

Drew uncorked a serious bad dream last night around 2:00 a.m. We had a thunderstorm roll through right before bed time, and I think he took that to heart.

My wife is a lighter sleep than me, so she always hears him first. She asked me to go comfort Drew, but I was groggy and didn't respond fast enough, so she got a little annoyed with me and did it herself. All I knew was that I woke up in the middle of the night and she was a little pissed at me for some reason.

No harm, no foul.

hehe, my wife works the night shift so this means I'm all alone at night with the two kids. Last night was the first night I was able to sleep without any interruptions of some sort, I'm not really complaining, just saying. No big deals usually, but always a little thing. Matty has a nightmare and start crying/whining, then Andrew has some unexplained bellyache, but Wednesday night was the one that stood out. I was sleeping with my face to the side of the bed, it was around 3am so I was sound asleep, in a very deep sleep and never heard Andrew creep to the side of my bed. That was until I heard "daddy" in my sleep, only to open my eyes and see him facing me straight on, almost gave me a heart attack He simply told told me "the small blanket is all undone in my bed" but there are no real blankets, only sheets and a comforter, so I'm all groggy and sleepy, go take a look and indeed the top sheet had come undone. Took 15 seconds to get it redone and back to bed.

My wife got a big kick out of me telling the "heart attack" story

FM

[Butter]

Hi, I have 2 children: Ethan, a 5 1/2 year old and Alex, a 3 1/2 year old.

They both have trouble listening to me and my wife. I am at work all day, and my wife is home all day, so it doesn't show up to me as much as it does my wife. My wife also babysits, and at various times of the day can have up to 4 other children ranging from 2 to 5 in the house as well.

The biggest problem I think that my wife has is a quick fuse. She comes down on them, hard, a lot, especially my oldest. I think Ethan is basically a good kid, but she rarely praises him. I worry about his self-esteem a lot, and am not sure about how to bring this up to my wife in a gentle way, to tell her that she needs to back off of him a bit and let him grow up. I don't want him growing up thinking he is a bad child or mean. More often than not, he will share without being asked, and will do nice things like get an extra piece of candy for his brother or things like that. But he does have problems staying focused, and will sometimes just seem to lose his mind and do something like trying to rip down his curtains for no apparent reason. He loves seeing how things work, and a lot of times is trying to rip things apart to see what they look like inside, I think. But all of this seems to be lost on my wife, who comes down with a hammer on the slightest of indiscretions.

I love my wife and my children both, and am trying my best to handle this. The other day, when we were teaching Ethan his "sight words" (about 35 words on flashcards that he is learning to read by sight), he started having trouble and my wife started coming down on him as normal (WHY AREN'T YOU LOOKING AT THE CARDS? YOU KNOW THIS ONE! HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO GO OVER THESE?) when she finally gave up and gave the cards to me. I proceeded to calmly help him through them, and he did very well, even seeming to pick up on things a bit better (like noting that you can't just look at the first letter to figure out what the words are). There are times when it seems like he's not trying with the cards, but I think you can more gently guide him through than she does, and I tried to show her that. I can only hope, through my continued actions, that I will show her how to be more patient with him. I think part of it stems from when he was a baby and had colic. He cried for 6 months straight, it seemed like. He has always been a bit fussy, and has a mouth when it comes to my wife... she loves him greatly, I know that, but has a hard time being patient with him.

All I can do is forge on, hope for the best, and try and help us all be a bit calmer.

[Butter]

By the way, WSUCougar, it ticked me off as well that they rearranged the schedule on the PBS channel. Most of all, they took off Mr. Rogers and Reading Rainbow, two of my childhood favorites that the kids pretty much will never see again now that they're not on there.

[WSUCougar]

Welcome, Butter.

Have you discussed this heart-to-heart with your wife? It sounds like she may be frustrated or uncertain how to deal with situations like that. It might also be worth talking it out if you have different viewpoints.

I have found it very hard at times to deal with differing approaches to parenting. My wife is a real softy, and her personality type is such that she usually ends up caving in to Drew rather than confront him on whatever. Not a big deal on the surface, but it has led to some arguments between us because I am more of the hard-liner when it comes to discipline and improper behavior.

[CamEdwards]

I can't believe I haven't found this thread until now.

With five kids, I have plenty to bitch about. Right now the biggest problem is with my 14-year old, who is in constant trouble at school with his grades.

After having to go to summer school because he failed math, we got his progress report last week. 2 A's, 1 B, 3 D's, 1 F.

He's not dumb. He doesn't have ADD. He's just a slob and loses his homework or forgets to write down his assignments. We've done folders for each class, we've got the agenda he's supposed to use every day. Nothing works.

I cannot tell you how frustrating it is to deal with this year in and year out. I was lazy in school, but never enough to fail.

[Butter]

Originally Posted by WSUCougar

Have you discussed this heart-to-heart with your wife?

We have talks every so often about parenting, and I always tell her she just needs to try and be more patient. It usually works for about 2 days, and then the kids will stick something down the heating vent or refuse to listen to her for a couple of hours and it's all out the window.

I'll keep trying though.

[FrogMan]

Originally Posted by CamEdwards

I can't believe I haven't found this thread until now.

you know, I almost sent you a pm a couple weeks ago to tell you about this thread. I was certain you hadn't seen it or you'd be posting in it.

Another we should possibly tell about this thread is Ksyrup

Don't know what to tell you about your kid though, other that I feel for you. Rough times. Good luck!

FM

[sachmo71]

Originally Posted by CamEdwards

I can't believe I haven't found this thread until now.

With five kids, I have plenty to bitch about. Right now the biggest problem is with my 14-year old, who is in constant trouble at school with his grades.

After having to go to summer school because he failed math, we got his progress report last week. 2 A's, 1 B, 3 D's, 1 F.

He's not dumb. He doesn't have ADD. He's just a slob and loses his homework or forgets to write down his assignments. We've done folders for each class, we've got the agenda he's supposed to use every day. Nothing works.

I cannot tell you how frustrating it is to deal with this year in and year out. I was lazy in school, but never enough to fail.

As someone who was allowed to fail, all I can say is that I wish now that someone had jumped my ass when i was his age. Losing rights is a good place to start, I think.

[CamEdwards]

Originally Posted by sachmo71

As someone who was allowed to fail, all I can say is that I wish now that someone had jumped my ass when i was his age. Losing rights is a good place to start, I think.

Believe me, we've tried taking away rights. We've tried rewards. I'm now to the point that I've told him "there is nothing more I can do. You know what you have to do and if you don't, you'll fail."

Part of the problem is my wife is too easy on him, in my opinion. My wife's brother was apparently spookily similar to my son in terms of their personality. My wife's brother killed himself when he was 19. I think my wife is afraid of being tough on my son because she fears he'll become depressed and possibly do something drastic.

I've seen no signs of depression or anything like that, btw. I just see a lazy teenager.

[Barkeep49]

Cam just to back you up: If a kid keeps failing is that going to make him more or less depressed? Having a son with trouble in school is no easy thing and I wish you the best as you do your best to try and help him back on to the path.

[ibnsgirl]

Hi y'all!

Don't know what to say, Butter, but I know that I can be like your wife to some degree. Mind you, I have a 16 week old, so my expectations are pretty low as to what all she can do
Nevertheless, my nights are kinda chopped-up what with feeding Lucy and everything, and sometimes I am just so blamed tired that I can hardly see straight. When I get to that point, my patience gets really short. Additionaly, when I get frustrated, same thing happens.

I'm still in the learning phase on so much of this that I get confused/frustrated/lose my perspective pretty easily. For example, Lucy and I are starting to do better at night when it is time for her to go to sleep, but it can be trying. Some things I was reading were saying that she just needed to cry it out, some that I needed to comfort her but without her sucking on something, and then some that whatever worked, including sucking, was ok. Of course, the first two methods said that if I didn't do it that way, she was destined straight for the therapist's office. Long story short, Tony has to remind me that basically I know what is right for our daughter, even if it is not necessarily mainstream (think slightly granola). The point here is that Tony often has intervene for me to redirect myself and calm down.

I doubt that anything here is helpful since I'm probably not telling you anything you don't already know, but at the very least I empathize. I don't like being around me when my patience is stressed. Keep doing what you are doing as far as setting a good example and trying to keep tensions down and by keeping the lines of communication open with your wife.

[WSUCougar]

Originally Posted by ibnsgirl

I doubt that anything here is helpful since I'm probably not telling you anything you don't already know, but at the very least I empathize. I don't like being around me when my patience is stressed. Keep doing what you are doing as far as setting a good example and trying to keep tensions down and by keeping the lines of communication open with your wife.

Right on! I don't much like the "impatient me" either.

Couple things when parenting, particularly an infant (again, probably stating the obvious, but just to reinforce):

1. Allow yourself to get frustrated. You are human. Don't beat yourself up over feeling overwhelmed at times. You are probably low on sleep and are constantly getting tested in a unique way because there is virtually no interaction. It's all "baby does X, so I have to cope with it." Sometimes my wife and I look back and think that nature tests your limits as a parent intentionally...it's like a rite of passage. You get more closely bonded through this trial by fire.

2. When possible, get some separation if you are stressed. Arrange some down time for each other. If you can work it, have one parent do the whole "night shift" so the other can get some uninterrupted sleep, then switch roles.

[ibnsgirl]

Originally Posted by indoorsoccersim

Hows this....

So, I hate facial hair, but I have been attempting to grow a goatte (I say attempt because I look really awful with it, and honestly, facial hair growth isn't in me right now) for my Halloween Costume of being a pirate.

So the baby, Nicholas, has just tortured my poor wife yesterday, so when I get home, I go and take him from her. He starts wailing and gives me the who the hell are you look. I try to fight past it, thinking he was just upset I took him from her. He keeps it up, and I am just getting frustrated, and the wife says "I don't think he likes the facial hair" I laugh it off as nonsense....but he cries and does not want anything to do with me.

Well, I go upstairs and shave........guess who is daddy's little guy again...He just didn't want the weird looking stranger holding him....

I forgot to say something about this, Dennis...

If you think the sense of smell isn't important, Lucy hates it when I shower. Several weeks ago I showered while Tony held Lucy. After I was all finished, I picked her up and she started wailing. The more I talked to her, in fact, the louder she screamed. It finally dawned on me to put on the shirt I had been wearing earlier, and viola, she settled right down. Her reaction it turns out, was pretty much: "YOU ARE NOT MY MOM AND YOU ARE NOT FOOLING ME BY USING HER VOICE!!" Dang, didn't think I smelled that bad...

Not to worry, she isn't getting her way on this one . No way that I'm about to quit showering for her. She is getting better, though; now only fusses for a while.

[Galaxy]

Originally Posted by CamEdwards

I can't believe I haven't found this thread until now.

With five kids, I have plenty to bitch about. Right now the biggest problem is with my 14-year old, who is in constant trouble at school with his grades.

After having to go to summer school because he failed math, we got his progress report last week. 2 A's, 1 B, 3 D's, 1 F.

He's not dumb. He doesn't have ADD. He's just a slob and loses his homework or forgets to write down his assignments. We've done folders for each class, we've got the agenda he's supposed to use every day. Nothing works.

I cannot tell you how frustrating it is to deal with this year in and year out. I was lazy in school, but never enough to fail.

Sounds like me at that age, though my D's were usually C's, and maybe B's. I was a slob, lost my homework or forgot my assignments. It wasn't until I was junior I started to pull my grades up, got into a solid four-year university, and should pull my overall GPA to at least a 3.0 after this semester (will be a senior after this one).

[illinifan999]

Originally Posted by CamEdwards

I can't believe I haven't found this thread until now.

With five kids, I have plenty to bitch about. Right now the biggest problem is with my 14-year old, who is in constant trouble at school with his grades.

After having to go to summer school because he failed math, we got his progress report last week. 2 A's, 1 B, 3 D's, 1 F.

He's not dumb. He doesn't have ADD. He's just a slob and loses his homework or forgets to write down his assignments. We've done folders for each class, we've got the agenda he's supposed to use every day. Nothing works.

I cannot tell you how frustrating it is to deal with this year in and year out. I was lazy in school, but never enough to fail.

When he nears 15/16, just tell him if his grades aren't up, he isn't driving. Something will click when it sets in.

[Qwikshot]

Originally Posted by PilotMan

Funny story from yesterday. It was naptime at our house and I was dozing at the computer, when my 3 yr old, Zachary, runs in screaming what sounds like, "Dos birds are eating mama's tomatoes!" Shaken awake, I think "birds?" I go take a look and birds becomes boys. We have some tomato plants next to a fence that we have been having a problem with neighborhood boys picking them and either eating them or throwing them into our yard. It is pretty late in the season, so I wasn't overly worried about it, but I did talk to them. Anyway, Mrs. PilotMan was being informed of what took place by Zach and he told her that he yelled at them (from his second floor window), and used the magic words. My wife said, "You said, please?" He replied, "No. I said 'GET OUT OF MOMS GARDEN!'" My wife and I both cracked up. I love this age.

I have a story like that...Zia stays with my mom and dad sometimes. We have a neighbor that fails to curb her dog. So we get droppings in the line of lawn next to the sidewalk. My mom must've been complaining because the woman was walking by with her dog. So my mom and Zia are cleaning the house, when my mom notices it is suddenly quiet (this is a warning sign for most parents). She notices Zia is not in the house, and running around frantically she notices that Zia is outside on the stoop, yelling at the woman to clean up after her dog. Children never pull any punches, even at 3 (though Zia is now four soon to be five). Of course, I lectured my mom on letting her wander off.

Zia is here now, we're spending our last weekend together before I take flight. I can feel that she's excited but apprehensive of my trip. Friday and Saturday were rainy and miserable and I can tell she has a slight cold (those triametic menthol patches work wonders). I get a little angry because my ex was there when I went to pick up Zia, and Zia was in clothes while new, were coated with the aroma of cigarettes and pipesmoke. It's raining and I have a raincoat and umbrella for her, my ex hands her fake fur vest for a coat. Then she rushes off to her car, (she does give Zia a big hug goodbye) but realizes she can't leave for work yet (she forgot her cigarettes).

This trip to Australia should be a catharsis for me. If it is everything I imagined, I will be at a crossroads. I gave up on this dream almost five years ago to date my ex and raise Zia, and it's coming up so fast. I don't know what will happen if I enjoy it, feel I could settle down there, it was one thing when I was alone, but for Zia's sake, I don't know if I can ever live there. It is the great divide between the dream of Australia and the dream of being a parent.

I guess that depresses me the most. I had often dreamed of being a young father (not that 30 is old) but I know that settling down is going to be harder for me as the years progress. My parents were young when they married and had my me and my brother, and I guess I wanted to go through that process. I enjoy being a parent, it is really the only thing I have going for me, is having a wonderful child.

I was reading an article in Men's Health about a guy who married his wife when she had a 3 year old daughter. The dealings of a child that has already bonded to her father, and how the new guy is trying to adjust to being a parent. Now Zia knows me as daddy, and I know she calls Craig "daddy", though she usually differentiates between us as me as "my real daddy". I only wish that Craig would be that compassionate, but I fear that while he does care for Zia, that it is not at the same level. I rarely talk to Craig, but I'm never distance (he's usually who is waiting when I have to pick up Zia).

I can still remember the first time he came to pick Zia up (alone). That did not go terribly well, Zia kept making excuses not to leave, even as I strapped her in the car seat and kissed her goodbye. To hearing her cry and scream as he pulled away, you can really doubt God in a situation like that, or if you aren't religious, doubt life. It rattles you, Zia still hates leaving (sometimes), but more of hiding, or delaying, but there are times when she is genuinely happy to see her mom (we switched work hours now, so my ex picks Zia up on Sunday nights now). Those are the times I am relieved, but it is still heartbreaking, I generally am listless for an hour or two afterwards.

My ex got a new job, and I hope, /hope/ that she will finally set an appointment with the doctor. Zia hasn't been there for a checkup since she was 2. She has yet to visit the dentist. My ex never talks about Zia's future, or escapades when we meet, my ex talks about her life. I kept things civil and I only bring my own life into perspective if it will be a conflict in taking care of Zia (i.e. Australia). My ex naturally has to try to compete, not long after I cemented Australia, she told me that she and Craig were planning a trip to Mexico in the spring. There are other things she talks about too (without getting too crazy) which I deem as inappropriate to discuss with your ex, but never about plans about Zia going to preschool (it's too expensive she says) or even kindergarten. These are issues that are I guess non-issues.

I had asked to raise Zia, to become completely responsible. My ex said she would refuse to give up rights, and that while I could raise her "...Craig and I will take her back in a few years..." I just get a pained expression, I have a decent job with good benefits, a strong central family, a wonderful home (courtesy of my brother), in a good neighborhood and good schools. I'm on dayshift now, and I have the cash to not only put Zia in preschool (at the expense of my own pursuits) but also start saving long term for college. I want to see her in dance class, playing a sport, eating right. I want a good social network for her. I want her to know she is loved. I would never prevent Zia from seeing her mom and Craig, and I find that in this scenario, everyone wins. My ex can be the fun mom with little or no responsibilty, her husband will be financially free of obligation, Zia will get the upbringing she deserves, I get piece of mind.

Sadly, I doubt this will ever occur, but I can dream. I guess like Australia, there is a crossroad here as well. I fear that Zia will lag behind soon, even as I impress upon her reading, 911, addresses and phone numbers. Every other weekend is such a small window. She calls me everyday, and I treasure that, because I fear that one day, the calls will stop, as she gets older, she will finally get those opportunities (because the law will say she has to go to school)...and one day I will have to replace this scenario with the hope that she will turn out right, she will continue to be strong and resilent, she will continue to be joyful and bright. Every morning we awake, she's excited, she gives me a good morning hug and kiss, something I did to her when she was too. I used to work 2nd shift, and sleep a few hours after 12, and be up by 6 or 7 to care for Zia (my ex would be off to school; then work -- my mom would watch Zia while I would go to work, then my ex would pick her up after work -- rinse repeat -- when we broke up I actually started getting her after work for a while as well).

I guess I needed to vent, because she's getting older. When I picked her up Friday, I scooped her with one arm and Zia giggled and told my ex ,"Daddy is so strong" And my ex, agreed, not often she compliments me, or agrees with it...but I'll take it.

My friends say I'm a saint, or I'm tough. They say they could never do what I do but I think anyone would. I saw Zia born and I vowed to never leave her. Even when things got bad, really bad, I never threw her mom out, because of what would happen to Zia. Even today, there are times, when I feel like I'm losing out, or losing touch, but Zia somehow always does something to cast these away.

For that I'm grateful...we just finished carving the pumpkin (this will be the first Halloween where I don't take her out). A coworker said, just keep doing things that she'll remember. I think I do them, so I will cherish them too.

[WSUCougar]

Qwik, for what it's worth, I think your devotion to Zia is extraordinary and inspiring. If every kid could have a parent as devoted to loving and raising them as you, the world would be a much better place.

[PilotMan]

Wow Quick, that situation is so hard. I totally know how connected you get to kids. Life changes as soon as you have one, or in your situation are everything but...

Your relationship with her is extraordinary. Coug is right, every kid should have a parent a devoted and dedicated. FWIW, have you considered actually going through the process of formal adoption for her? That would at least give you some legal right to seeing her, although it would also mean that you would be financially responsible for her until she was of age as well. In your situation it is a step that I wouldn't normally ask about, as you are already separeated from her mom, but it seems that you are so connected to her that your life might be better off if you had something that you could hold on to. Of course, it would throw your thoughts of moving to AUS right out the window.

You really have no legal standing here. If you left her (for AUS) and you didn't see her for years, would she feel like you abandoned her? Would she hold it against you? You may not have any legal stand, but you have put youself into a situation where she now expects you to be the dad. Forever, and any change in that situation may have long lasting effects. It is just something to consider.

Let me know if I can help you, or if you just need someone to talk with.

PM

[Qwikshot]

Originally Posted by PilotMan

Wow Quick, that situation is so hard. I totally know how connected you get to kids. Life changes as soon as you have one, or in your situation are everything but...

Your relationship with her is extraordinary. Coug is right, every kid should have a parent a devoted and dedicated. FWIW, have you considered actually going through the process of formal adoption for her? That would at least give you some legal right to seeing her, although it would also mean that you would be financially responsible for her until she was of age as well. In your situation it is a step that I wouldn't normally ask about, as you are already separeated from her mom, but it seems that you are so connected to her that your life might be better off if you had something that you could hold on to. Of course, it would throw your thoughts of moving to AUS right out the window.

You really have no legal standing here. If you left her (for AUS) and you didn't see her for years, would she feel like you abandoned her? Would she hold it against you? You may not have any legal stand, but you have put youself into a situation where she now expects you to be the dad. Forever, and any change in that situation may have long lasting effects. It is just something to consider.

Let me know if I can help you, or if you just need someone to talk with.

PM

I appreciate the comments.

I take it day to day, for what it's worth.

My feeling is this, I would be on a plane, just getting close to landing in L.A. this time next week. With about an hour in a half on the ground before an 11 hour flight to Brisbane.

I am going to for these next two weeks, forget about my obligations, and figure out if being 15k miles from everyone I know and interact with, will truly be a good idea. I plan on getting a few gifts for friends, a postcard to send to Zia, but I'm going in, avoiding the sadness that sometimes envelopes me here. These next two weeks are something I've wanted for years, and I'm seriously committed to the idea of using that time to find substance that I can root down, or if it's just a wonderful place meant to visit.

Adoption wouldn't be objected by my ex. However, I doubt if the state would find it acceptable (talk about making things more complicated). I have contemplated this, but my ex's lifestyle leads me to concern what child support would really go to. So while I live on a precarious precipice, I do so at my own power, once I invite the government in, I can't bar them until Zia is 18. My ex is just flighty and I'm sure from her past upbring (father was a womanizer, drug user, alcoholic, her mother was quiet and submissive, later when my ex was 8 months pregnant, her mom left to pursue a new relationship in Texas. Since her divorce, her mom has stated if it doesn't work, leave it, which my ex embraced). Long as I participate, I get visitation, I doubt my ex would care if I said I didn't want to Zia anymore (not that I would).

Zia gets full attention when we are together...I'm like a hawk. I think Zia misses that when she's with my ex and her husband, because of course, there is a competition for affection. Zia has a hard time dealing with showing affection to more than one person, if there is more than one in the room, Zia will stay with one. I trump my parents, my mom trumps my dad, my brother gets trumped by everyone but today, she genuinely showed affection and attention to both my parents, and when we got home, she rushed to greet my brother, so perhaps she is understanding she can love more than one person at a time...however, when my ex showed at the door, Zia was not happy, and rushed to the tent to hide, it was somewhat playful but somewhat apprehenisve. She was excited when my ex (though somewhat pushed upon) and I agreed that I would watch her Friday night.

Zia knows I'm coming back. I have calmed her fears that I would stay there. My dad joked about it, and Zia in a very serious tone said "daddy is going to visit, to check it out, then he's coming right back." Would she feel abandoned, I think at this age, yes. But Zia is close to kindergarten, and I'm hoping that with the introduction of school, Zia will become more involved in activities. It's only a matter of time before she learns how to type (with the help of Mommy and Craig) emails, webcams, phonecalls can breach the distance, and the fact that my family lives in the area (and is still utilized by my ex to help watch Zia), I feel there will still be a bond. Zia has said if I go to Australia she wants to come, when I asked what she would do on a plane ride that long, she said matter-of-factly "SLEEP!" My ex even said (when I was interviewing for a Hawaii sales job) that they would visit during the summer (granted it would possibly doubtful) but I don't think it would be a far cry if I plane a few trips back East to coincide with say Summer vacation with my parents down the beach, or mid-January when Zia has her birthday.

I bristle though when I'm called father, my ex said it today, and I just don't like it...I actually correct Zia (gently, never do I say don't call me that), and tell her I'm daddy. Zia has a father, and while he is out of the picture, it is his genes that make part of Zia. I think ultimately, that will be the hardest realization for Zia, that I am something else. It is my hope that she is not saddened by it, that it doesn't turn me into a stranger, I have never outright stated anything about Zia's birth father, but I do sometimes elucidate differences...case in point, Zia's mom is from the British Isles, while I'm Italian. I state the differences, and while I say to Zia that she's from an Irish background, I never say she has Italian relatives. Zia has also inquired as to why I was living in Lansdale, when she and Mommy were up in Hershey. While she has nothing to resemble me in looks, she's got my inquisitiveness and my personality (some of it anyway--she can be a wild child too, much like her mother).

I guess, from all of that, you can see I'm dedicated, as long as Zia would understand, I don't think she would see it as abandonment. My hope is that a few years from now, Zia will be older and more capable of understanding. Plus it's not like my ex is single, she's married, and the possibility of a little brother or sister is probably not far away, Zia may have a stable family unit (I hope)...she'll always have her daddy too.

[CamEdwards]

Thought you'd get a kick out of this.

Saturday night the community center near my house hosted a haunted house. Andrew, my five year old, desperately wanted to go. I knew he was too young, but thought I'd let him find out for himself.

So we went, waited in line (in the rain) for 45 minutes, and finally walked inside. I told him "nothing in here is real, it's just people dressed up to scare you, okay?" He nodded his head.

We walk into the first room. It's thick with fog, and you can barely see a casket in the middle of the room. We're standing there, I'm holding his hand, and the casket starts to rock. Andrew immediately says "I want to go!" I pick him up and tell him it's not real, but that I'll hold him and if he wants to go we can. After a minute, the casket opens up, but Andrew can't see it because his head is buried in my shoulder. The ghoul walks around, then climbs back into the casket.

We go into the next room, and Andrew wants to get down. As soon as his feet touch the floor, a guy in a sheet walks up towards him. Andrew climbs me like I'm a ladder, perching on my shoulder and yells "Let's get out of here!" So we left.

Time spent in line: 45 minutes. Time spent in the haunted house: 3 minutes.

The kicker is, after we left he immediately started bugging me to go rent a scary movie for him.

[WSUCougar]

Funny story, Cam.

My son (who turns 4 in two weeks) has been watching some Scooby Doo lately. Some of it scares him, and he asks a lot of questions about the creatures involved in the mysteries. One plot a couple weeks ago involved a giant, squid-like blob with one eye, tentacles, and a loud slobbering roar. It caused Drew some consternation.

Anyway, that was like 10 or 15 days ago, but last night as we are putting him to bed, he asks out of nowhere: "Mommy...why does the [Drew's version of the loud slobbering roar noise] only have one eye?" We both laughed.

[FrogMan]

I went with my 8yo to Wal-Mart this weekend to buy the candies. Was fun having my own personal candy specialist (not that I'm not one myself ) but it was even cooler to see him actually make decisions as to what we could and could not afford when I gave him a choice to make. Boy is he growing up...

He's going as Darth Vader this year, with the mask and the lightsaber but even better, when I found a toddler Darth Vader kit, we (him and me) couldn't resist and bought it for Matty

FM