How Many 5 Year Olds Can You Take?

[mckerney]

I suddenly have the urge to watch Battle Royale.

[Cringer]

My five year old is wondering why I am looking at her. Problem is, if I told her I was wondering how far I could throw her, she would want me to try it and see......

[nfg22]

LOL best thread ever...I think I could take 30 I mean really tho, when they cling on to you its not easy to keep fending them off...I watched 10 take down my 20 year old friend once, they jumped him in theplay park just joking around...they are more swarmly then you would think...for all you bible readers, you think you could rip a body part off and go old school like samson did?

[Solecismic]

My money's on the kids. In some cultures, even the babies receive combat training.

[nfg22]

New Idea for a text sim?

[sterlingice]

Originally Posted by nfg22

New Idea for a text sim?

Front Office Playground Rumble. Where's Jim?

SI

[sterlingice]

Originally Posted by MikeVic

How sick humankind is...

Well, really, this is such an absurd scenario that you can think about it while completely divorcing yourself from the actual action.

SI

[Shkspr]

My wife walked in and started reading the thread over my shoulder. I had no idea she was there until she piped up, "I could take 50 or 75 of the little fuckers."

I love my wife.

[Desnudo]

Let's set it up. Not having met your wife, I think she's in a little over her head on that one.

[Shkspr]

All I know is that at 6'2", she can kick MY ass from here to China.

[Marc Vaughan]

I will happily take on as many as are available .... so long as I'm provided with a television and limitless SpongeBob videos to distract them until its time for them to take a nap (I presume that would count as a KO?).

[Ragone]

i'm thinking personally(6'2 215).. and wearing a cup.. considering the average 5 year old is gonna be 3-4 feet tall.. going all out.. i don't see me being stopped.. 5 year olds aren't exactly know for attention to detail.. tactics.. i don't see them pulling some kinda flank assault or diversionary tactics..

But seeing as how we have a limited space.. i'd say 60 or so

[Anthony]

come on you moron.

this isn't Barney's 5 year olds. these are combat trained mini-warriors. i'm sure they'd be trained in basic concepts of urban warfare and have a pack mentality. that baby that Jim showed looked like it could kill without remorse.

i'd love to get down to that last one, the one prepared to fight till its death. what a clash that would be.

[Peregrine]

It seems to me that the kids would be most effective in just forcing you back through sheer numbers until they backed you into a wall and you were disqualified. Of course fatigue would be a big issue here.

[Raiders Army]

Originally Posted by Shkspr

All I know is that at 6'2", she can kick MY ass from here to China.

Is that going the East or West route? Big difference. Also, if she could kick your ass straight through the Earth to China that would be cool.

[Ksyrup]

I'm telling you, my daughter can almost single-handedly kick my ass, and she's not even trying (of course, I'm not trying to kill her, either). A few times, when I'm on my knees or laying down and she jumps on my back, I've just about lost my breath. Get 10-20 of those bastards jumping on you, tearing at your hair and face, and you wouldn't last as long as you think you would.

of course, that might not happen until you've done quite a bit of damage yourself, but a coordinated attack might be pretty effective.

[Anthony]

and even bigger question:

Shorty vs. ten 5 year olds. who wins?

[gottimd]

Which Shorty shows up? The one that partied with Eli Manning the night before, or the one who was drinking Mountain Dew all night long preparing for the fight?

[Tigercat]

This thread is making me want to play GTA: Kindergarten.

[Huckleberry]

This thread came up at an opportune time. This Wednesday I will hold the first practice for my daughter's soccer team. 8 players, 4 and 5 years old.

Now it has a dual purpose: reconnaissance.

[Cringer]

Originally Posted by Huckleberry

This thread came up at an opportune time. This Wednesday I will hold the first practice for my daughter's soccer team. 8 players, 4 and 5 years old.

Now it has a dual purpose: reconnaissance.

Take notes, and be sure to pass them along.

[paperstreetsoap]

The problem is the beginning. If you are at half court when the whistle blows for the start, man, so many little fuckers might get you from behind, chopping at your knees. It could end quickly. I'd be doing roundhouse kicks or something to avoid that,

[Blackadar]

Originally Posted by Suicane75

Yeah, I imagine once you have 1 knocked out you could simply spin it around by its head and use its feet to knock out any oncoming attackers.

Exactly, you take one of the little 40 pound fuckers and turn him into a polearm or a bolo. If various body parts come off, you can have a club for each hand!

Think the Matrix: Neo vs. all of the Mr. Smiths.

I'll take on 20-30 of them no sweat. After that there may not be enough room to manuever.

I'd prolly bend the rules a bit. I'd tape the ever-livin' shit out of my ankles, shins and knees. The little fuckers will probably be trying to bite and kick those areas a lot.

[Blackadar]

BTW, JPhillips, this is one of the best thread topics in a long, long time.

[WSUCougar]

Jesus, I haven't laughed this hard at a thread since the dating thread diagram.

I'm thinking at least 25-30. The initial few minutes would result in brutal attrition for the little guys. But I'd worry about my knees. They'd be chopping on them like little Paul frikkin' Bunyons. I think I'd be working toward a corner after the initial assault, and then go on the defensive.

[gottimd]

Originally Posted by WSUCougar

I think I'd be working toward a corner after the initial assault, and then go on the defensive.

You cant get too close to the corner, I think the rules state if you touch a wall you are ruled out.

[Franklinnoble]

Lighting bolt! Lightning bolt!

[Lathum]

Originally Posted by Franklinnoble

Lighting bolt! Lightning bolt!

ROFL

have you seen that video?

[Cringer]

Originally Posted by paperstreetsoap

The problem is the beginning. If you are at half court when the whistle blows for the start, man, so many little fuckers might get you from behind, chopping at your knees. It could end quickly. I'd be doing roundhouse kicks or something to avoid that,

I think you go on the offensive at first. You need to charge one of the weak looking ones and just plow him/her down and whoever i around. Then, do as others have said. Pick the short one up, and either throw or swing it at the others.

That would only work for so long though I think. You would have to drop the kid at some point. That is when it gets used as a shield. As you shove some away, try to pile a couple up around you. They are short after all, it doesn't take much to make then slow down by making them have to climb over a few bodies. That is when you pop them in the face/throat, or use another kid head to smack against theirs.

[gottimd]

You also have to be realistic, do you honestly believe a 5 year old, with just a days training of hand to hand combat will retain any of that information. Most of us here I think either have kids or have been a kid enrolled in lets say a karate class. How many of you have experienced either being turned into a lethal fighting machine or your kids have become lethal fighting machines after a few lessons?

Stacking of the carnage might not work, if the bodies are being removed. Like one of those Bowling Sweepers after you knock the pins down on your first roll.

[QuikSand]

Originally Posted by Lathum

ROFL

do you have the internet too?

Fixed it for you.

[Lathum]

Originally Posted by QuikSand

Fixed it for you.

Thanks

[QuikSand]

It is just staggering how much thought you can geenrate with this. Unreal.


Okay, my latest thinking is that there is a matter of focus that is going unsaid here. Yes, these are somewhat trained kindergarteners... but the setup does not suggest that they are brilliant, nor all that coordinated. So, giving them the benefit of the doubt about tactics and organizationa approaches is probably unfair.

I was thinking numbers in the dozens... but it's hard in my mind to see how it gets much tougher to fight 40 than, say, 20. Part of the fun of this, I guess.

But after thinking that realisticslly, at least some (most?) of these kids are just not going to be very effective fighters... I'm starting to think some fairly big numbers are reasonable.

Now... give me ShkSpr's wife as a co-combatant... and she and I can hole up in our kinder-carcass fort and I suspect we could hold them off for a month if needed. I'm thinking the two of us together could handle four hundred of these little pricks.

[QuikSand]

Originally Posted by gottimd

Like one of those Bowling Sweepers after you knock the pins down on your first roll.

Even more great imagery from an already-classic thread.

[Lathum]

Now here's a thought...

Would the 5 year olds be smart enough or coordinated enough to turn the table on you and use their fallen comrades as weapons.

Imagine 5 or 6 of the bastards using one of their fallen own as a battering ram to slam you into submission.

[gottimd]

A battling ram from them is easily avoidable. They wont be able to manuever as fast carrying one of their own, nor will they be able to coordinate it well (running together in the same direction). Mischevious little bastards!

[Ksyrup]

A couple of people have talked about swinging one of them by the head, and I just think that's too awkward. I'd go with a leg - easier to grasp than the head (hell, you might be able to do one in each hand in a propeller-like fashion), and probably not as prone to pop out of joint as the arm (don't quote me on that). If you can get two of those fuckers swinging in rhythm, their heads and arms pummeling the other little fuckers, you could make a big dent in them easily. The true test will be how you ward them off of your lower body.

[Anthony]

i'm not envisioning normal 5 year olds with a couple of combat classes. it's more fun to think of them as little mini-warriors limited only in size and strength. tactics-wise i would say they would have like basic combat training organization. it's easier to dehumanize these monsters if you assume they have the strategy to take you down. then you can go savage on them. if you're gonna be like "awwww, look at these cute little 5 year olds wearing cups on their bits and pieces"...that's when they got you.

you gotta be an animal. but a highly restrained animal. they'd have you beat on the stamina part. you'd gotta pace yourself.

i wonder if you could kill one just by connecting with a haymaker.

[gottimd]

If you can make the kid you are propelling sort of go higher and lower in the swing, you maybe able to withstand or propel a lower attack as well. Meaning, if you "helicopter" the one kid at the same level the entire time, I'm sure they will just duck, which will leave you defenseless.

[gottimd]

Originally Posted by Hell Atlantic

i wonder if you could kill one just by connecting with a haymaker.

This could be so fun, you could add your own color commentary as you whip the shit out of them. "Body Blow, Upper cut, Upper Cut, Jab...Uh oh off the Top Ropes!"

[Anthony]

Originally Posted by gottimd

If you can make the kid you are propelling sort of go higher and lower in the swing, you maybe able to withstand or propel a lower attack as well. Meaning, if you "helicopter" the one kid at the same level the entire time, I'm sure they will just duck, which will leave you defenseless.

i would use one as a human shield and charge them. i would walk over them as they fell. you'd waste too much energy swinging aroudn a 40 lbs. human, plus you might get dizzy from going around in circles. gotta conserve your energy.

[JPhillips]

Good to see this has sparked a lot of thought. The idea appealed to me because of an experience at a children's theatre performance. There were a good three hundred early elementary kids in the audience with maybe a dozen adults. A friend turned to me and said, "You know if they all figure out at the same time that there are way more of them than us, we couldn't stop them."

I've given the challenge some more thought. I think my earlier shot at thirty is very realistic, but not very bold. I want to revise and say I can take fifty of the little terrorists.

I still believe, though, that the challenge gets decided early. If they knock me off my feet I'm screwed. They may not retain much, but they will naturally try to pull out my hair with that deathgrip kids have. While I can carry a lot of them on my arms and legs, I don't think I could handle many of them hanging from my hair.

Also, my wife wants a crack at this as well. Shkspr, maybe you're up for a couple's challenge? Winning couple gets to keep the living five year olds as indentured servants. PM me with time and place.

[Bee]

Originally Posted by gottimd

If you can make the kid you are propelling sort of go higher and lower in the swing, you maybe able to withstand or propel a lower attack as well. Meaning, if you "helicopter" the one kid at the same level the entire time, I'm sure they will just duck, which will leave you defenseless.

I don't think I'd go with the swinging a kid since dizziness could become an issue. I'd probably go with picking them up and throwing them into others. Anyone know how well a 5 year old would bounce?

[Suicane75]

Originally Posted by Hell Atlantic

i would use one as a human shield and charge them. i would walk over them as they fell. you'd waste too much energy swinging aroudn a 40 lbs. human, plus you might get dizzy from going around in circles. gotta conserve your energy.

If ya found yourself a couple of chubby ones you could hold em by the fat on their necks, like you hold a cat, and use them as shields while you kick the heads off of the oncoming attackers.

[gottimd]

Originally Posted by Bee

I don't think I'd go with the swinging a kid since dizziness could become an issue. I'd probably go with picking them up and throwing them into others. Anyone know how well a 5 year old would bounce?

I don't mean spinning for 5 minutes, you get a good 2-3 rotations, you'll knock a bunch out in the vicinity, then give the child you are holding the "Heave Ho" and you will probably knock a few more out that are farther away in that direction.

Again, I've said it and so has someone else, look at the Neo vs. Agent Smith's fight for some ideas.

[Anthony]

i'd want to dress like a ninja if i did this i'd want to be quick on my feet. plus i'd want to wear a black headband. it'd make me feel more like a weapon of death if i got to wear a black headband. then it'd be on till the muthafucking break of dawn. i would scream out random words like "Piss!"..."Doom"..."Fuck"...."Shit"..."Rip".

[JPhillips]

Ksyrup is very right by saying swinging by the head is a bad idea. Not only would the grip be tricky, but eventually its likely that you would rip the head from the body leaving you with only a small head for a weapon. If you grab by the legs even when they inevitably rip off the body you still have two small clubs to batter the rest senseless.

[Anthony]

i understand they get to wear cups, Phillips, but could i be a savage and take their cups off? or do they have to remain on at all times? this is important information cuz i need to know what my strategy would be.

[gottimd]

Here is a question no one asked, is this a lighted room? Strobe lights? or completely dark?

[Anthony]

Originally Posted by gottimd

I don't mean spinning for 5 minutes, you get a good 2-3 rotations, you'll knock a bunch out in the vicinity, then give the child you are holding the "Heave Ho" and you will probably knock a few more out that are farther away in that direction.

Again, I've said it and so has someone else, look at the Neo vs. Agent Smith's fight for some ideas.

fuck that...that was a movie with CGI effects. this is life and death. i suppose you think you can jump from head to head to head like Neo did with all the Agents too?

let's get real, keep the super powers out of this.