Worst birthday present ever...

[sterlingice]

Originally Posted by JediKooter

Definitely dang good advice. I told her that I wanted all of the user names and passwords to all of our accounts (bank, credit cards, etc...) She said she would do it on Monday and I told her that was unacceptable and needed by tomorrow.

I do not want to get divorced, but, it isn't under any of my control, haha.

Phone numbers work, too- get all the records, call them and cut them off very, very quickly. You are both in vulnerable states and people can do something crazy really quickly. What's to say she doesn't say "Screw it" and use one of your credit cards to book a trip with her new "friend" to, say, Hawaii or worse? How long is that going to take to dig out from under?

Anyone who has been through this- I don't know the specifics- but we've heard the stories around here. Anyone have some specific advice to help him out?

SI

[BYU 14]

Originally Posted by stevew

I'd advise going on financial and credit lockdown as quickly as possible. You don't want her to drain your bank account, or max out your credit cards. If you want to be divorced, definitely take the initiative to get things separated as quickly as possible. You don't want her dinging your credit for the forseeable future.

I will tag on here, my ex took 3000 out of MY checking account, because she had an extra card and I didn't act fast enough. There was not a damn thing I could about it either, except sit and curse myself for being stupid and trusting.

[Radii]

Originally Posted by JediKooter

As much as I have been a dick to her at certain times in the past and I would love to pack her stuff up and do that, I just can't.

Yeah don't do this. She's the one that wants to end it, she's the one that is almost certainly cheating. Don't do anything that could give her any leverage at all anywhere, especially financially by doing something that could get her possessions/valuables damaged.

I'll be 38 soon and I just don't feel like starting over, I was set, I was happy, I was where I wanted to be until the day I died. When I think of my future, I'm just "whatever" right now.

There will be time later to figure out what the future holds, long term at least. No need to worry about it now. Just deal with the immediate problems and you'll be set.



Shockingly, I agree with Steve about looking into whatever you need to do to protect yourself and your credit and your finances and such. One thing I somehow didn't even think about until after the fact in my divorce is that either party can, without the consent of the other, empty and even close a joint checking account. Luckily my actual divorce was quite amicable(as much as a divorce can be, which is to say it fucking sucked but we didn't go broke lawyer'ing each other to death) and my problems didn't begin until after all that was settled heh. I dunno the best/proper way to protect yourself from those potential problems, but i would definitely recommend figuring that out ASAP.

[cougarfreak]

Originally Posted by sterlingice

Phone numbers work, too- get all the records, call them and cut them off very, very quickly. You are both in vulnerable states and people can do something crazy really quickly. What's to say she doesn't say "Screw it" and use one of your credit cards to book a trip with her new "friend" to, say, Hawaii or worse? How long is that going to take to dig out from under?

Anyone who has been through this- I don't know the specifics- but we've heard the stories around here. Anyone have some specific advice to help him out?

SI

I'd call all the credit cards my name was on and put a freeze on them. Tell her it's been done, and she can open new accounts in her name only for the time being. (you can do the same) That way, if a divorce proceeding does happen, you know exactly where your finances are from the get go. I'd call her and tell her you're taking 1/2 of the savings/checking, whatever out, and open an account in your name only, and request her to do the same (this will tell you if she's serious about all this shit or not). Does she work?

[EagleFan]

That sucks dude. I wish you the best.

[JediKooter]

Originally Posted by cougarfreak

+1.......start protecting yourself pronto. I got fucked from my divorce in this regard. Start looking out for numero uno. Lady is a flat out bitch.

My dad said exactly that. Well, not the bitch part, but the other stuff. haha.

Originally Posted by sterlingice

Phone numbers work, too- get all the records, call them and cut them off very, very quickly. You are both in vulnerable states and people can do something crazy really quickly. What's to say she doesn't say "Screw it" and use one of your credit cards to book a trip with her new "friend" to, say, Hawaii or worse? How long is that going to take to dig out from under?

Anyone who has been through this- I don't know the specifics- but we've heard the stories around here. Anyone have some specific advice to help him out?

SI

I've printed out the phone records, so I've got that. I think the one thing that I should be ok is, our cards are pretty much maxed out, so unless she wants to buy him a sandwich or something, they aren't going very far. However, I have no idea if she has opened up anything under my name that I don't know about. Her whole thing throughout our relationship has been about trust and honesty, but, people do crazy shit all the time that goes against what they harp about.

Originally Posted by BYU 14

I will tag on here, my ex took 3000 out of MY checking account, because she had an extra card and I didn't act fast enough. There was not a damn thing I could about it either, except sit and curse myself for being stupid and trusting.

Ouch!! I am opening up an account on Monday and having my direct deposit changed to that. I will only give her money that is for our finances that we incurred together. I have to figure out a way to get my name off the Explorer I bought her and have it financed under her name. If that's even possible.

Originally Posted by radii

Yeah don't do this. She's the one that wants to end it, she's the one that is almost certainly cheating. Don't do anything that could give her any leverage at all anywhere, especially financially by doing something that could get her possessions/valuables damaged.

Yes, yes, that is my thinking too. Even though when she text messages me, I can't resist throwing in a jab now and then. I have to stop doing that, but, dang it!!!!

There will be time later to figure out what the future holds, long term at least. No need to worry about it now. Just deal with the immediate problems and you'll be set.

Shockingly, I agree with Steve about looking into whatever you need to do to protect yourself and your credit and your finances and such. One thing I somehow didn't even think about until after the fact in my divorce is that either party can, without the consent of the other, empty and even close a joint checking account. Luckily my actual divorce was quite amicable(as much as a divorce can be, which is to say it fucking sucked but we didn't go broke lawyer'ing each other to death) and my problems didn't begin until after all that was settled heh. I dunno the best/proper way to protect yourself from those potential problems, but i would definitely recommend figuring that out ASAP.

It's just really weird right now. When I got married, it just never occurred to me what life would be like without her. It's a very strange feeling. She's threatened to leave me before, but, we've always come to our senses and realize whatever was troubling us, was not as big of a deal as it initially seemed.

My dad says to get a lawyer. That's great, but affording that is just not option right now. I do want to do everything I can to protect myself and not hurt the girls. My wife is a big girl, she can fend for herself, but, I really don't want to mess up the girls.


And on a side note...there's always 3 sides to a story, my version, her version and the actual truth. I have not been the best husband by any stretch of the imagination. However, I have not been the worst husband either. She has gone above and beyond many times in our marriage and always went out of her way to show me how much she loves me. I think I f'd up in not returning that to her. I'm horrible with emotions and communicating what I feel and getting the words out right.

[JediKooter]

Originally Posted by EagleFan

That sucks dude. I wish you the best.

Thank you, I appreciate it!

[MikeVic]

[JediKooter]

Originally Posted by MikeVic

haha! Thanks!

[DanGarion]

Originally Posted by JonInMiddleGA

I think deals like this are why the word cunt was invented.

Hang in there JK, you're already one day closer to healing than you were yesterday (yeah, faint faint comfort at best I know).

Actually the word cunt didn't become vulgar till the 1800s...

[RainMaker]

That really sucks, sorry to hear. Don't worry about "starting over" at 38. I have friends who have gotten divorced around that age and ended up real happy. Heck, I was just at a wedding a couple months back for a friend who got married for the first time at 40 to a great woman and he's as happy as ever. There are a lot of horny divorcees out there that are right in your wheelhouse.

For as much shit as guys get for being pigs or assholes, women are 10x more cold blooded. I think you're right about your assumptions that she's cheating. My guess is that she doesn't want you down there because she's with him a lot. Anyone who would do that to you isn't worth it in the end and you're better off without them. Sounds cliche and cheesy, but you'll find out soon enough that it's true.

[cougarfreak]

Originally Posted by JediKooter

And on a side note...there's always 3 sides to a story, my version, her version and the actual truth. I have not been the best husband by any stretch of the imagination. However, I have not been the worst husband either. She has gone above and beyond many times in our marriage and always went out of her way to show me how much she loves me. I think I f'd up in not returning that to her. I'm horrible with emotions and communicating what I feel and getting the words out right.

That doesn't excuse a wife calling you on the phone and telling you it's over. That's total BS. Take you dad's advice, it's good advice. Whether you like it or not, forget about her kids for the time being (not literally), but honestly, I can't imagine you having any parental rights, and chances are, if she really feels like she sounds, you might not see much of them ever again. Again, numer uno my man. Take care of it, or you'll end up like me, and get totally fucked and not even realize it until it's over.

[JediKooter]

Originally Posted by cougarfreak

I'd call all the credit cards my name was on and put a freeze on them. Tell her it's been done, and she can open new accounts in her name only for the time being. (you can do the same) That way, if a divorce proceeding does happen, you know exactly where your finances are from the get go. I'd call her and tell her you're taking 1/2 of the savings/checking, whatever out, and open an account in your name only, and request her to do the same (this will tell you if she's serious about all this shit or not). Does she work?

I missed this one...

She agreed to giving me her cards. All of the credit cards were opened under my name (her credit sucks) and I put her on them as an authorized user.

Yes she does work, full time. She kicks ass at her job and will go far. I'm sad that I won't get to see her career grow and see how successful she becomes. She makes roughly half of what I do. She could probably afford to stay in our house (we rent), but will struggle until she gets a decent raise or finds someone else (which she may already have) to subsidize her expenses.

[cougarfreak]

Originally Posted by JediKooter

I missed this one...

She agreed to giving me her cards. All of the credit cards were opened under my name (her credit sucks) and I put her on them as an authorized user.

Yes she does work, full time. She kicks ass at her job and will go far. I'm sad that I won't get to see her career grow and see how successful she becomes. She makes roughly half of what I do. She could probably afford to stay in our house (we rent), but will struggle until she gets a decent raise or finds someone else (which she may already have) to subsidize her expenses.

She can still charge stuff online and such w/o the cards. I know it sounds harsh, but I'd get the accounts changed.

[RainMaker]

Originally Posted by JediKooter

I missed this one...

She agreed to giving me her cards. All of the credit cards were opened under my name (her credit sucks) and I put her on them as an authorized user.

Yes she does work, full time. She kicks ass at her job and will go far. I'm sad that I won't get to see her career grow and see how successful she becomes. She makes roughly half of what I do. She could probably afford to stay in our house (we rent), but will struggle until she gets a decent raise or finds someone else (which she may already have) to subsidize her expenses.

I'd still have her removed right away as an authorized user and those cards cancelled.

[JediKooter]

Originally Posted by RainMaker

That really sucks, sorry to hear. Don't worry about "starting over" at 38. I have friends who have gotten divorced around that age and ended up real happy. Heck, I was just at a wedding a couple months back for a friend who got married for the first time at 40 to a great woman and he's as happy as ever. There are a lot of horny divorcees out there that are right in your wheelhouse.

For as much shit as guys get for being pigs or assholes, women are 10x more cold blooded. I think you're right about your assumptions that she's cheating. My guess is that she doesn't want you down there because she's with him a lot. Anyone who would do that to you isn't worth it in the end and you're better off without them. Sounds cliche and cheesy, but you'll find out soon enough that it's true.

It's funny you mention the divorcees. There's a bar in Los Gatos that has reputation as a 'cougar' bar, but, it's more like a lonely divorcee bar. Gonna have to check it out.

Oh I totally agree, we are crude, rude and can be dicks. I've always been understanding about needed your own space and time with friends. On the 4th of July weekend, she wanted to have a 'girls' weekend and I was totally cook with that. I'm not a jealous person, believe it or not, I think this whole experience will make me a somewhat jealous person. Yes, better off without them for sure. Not as cheesy as you think.

[JediKooter]

Originally Posted by cougarfreak

She can still charge stuff online and such w/o the cards. I know it sounds harsh, but I'd get the accounts changed.

I don't have the info to do that. She has it all. I only have our bank account info and none of the cards are through the bank.

[JediKooter]

Originally Posted by RainMaker

I'd still have her removed right away as an authorized user and those cards cancelled.

I will do that as soon as I have the info.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by DanGarion

Actually the word cunt didn't become vulgar till the 1800s...

Did alimony begin around that same time?

[Radii]

order your credit report from all 3 bureau's. It will have contact info for all credit accounts in your name, and you can go through each one one by one and call them up.

You'll also see a list of credit inquiries where attempts to gain credit may have been made(though many credit inquiries are legit, your current cards doing their quarterly checkups and whatnot). If you see inquiries from companies you don't recognize call them up and make sure there are no accounts in your name with them. I found cell phone plans and utility bills in my name that I may never have found out about otherwise that way.

The fact that you say she has bad credit makes this seem a little more of a red flag to me. In my situation during our marriage we never had credit issues because I was good with money. But after the divorce was final, her bad credit + her being mad at me = an opportunity to get even. Not saying you have a reason to believe that kind of thing might happen to you but its just extra incentive to figure out everything.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by JediKooter

I will only give her money that is for our finances that we incurred together.

Make sure you have proof of every dime of that, at the very least do it by check so that you have those. But under no circumstance give her cash for anything like that. Otherwise you risk paying it now and then paying it again later.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by Radii

order your credit report from all 3 bureau's. It will have contact info for all credit accounts in your name, and you can go through each one one by one and call them up.

+1

[Radii]

dola,

AnnualCreditReport

That's the official site for the "one free credit report a year" rule that went into effect over the last few years(more info on that The Federal Trade Commission's Information on Free Annual Credit Reports if you're interested).

You should not have to pay for you credit reports and it should be an easy process. You won't get your credit score on the free report IIRC, but for these purposes it doesn't matter.

[BYU 14]

Originally Posted by JonInMiddleGA

Make sure you have proof of every dime of that, at the very least do it by check so that you have those. But under no circumstance give her cash for anything like that. Otherwise you risk paying it now and then paying it again later.

Another big +1, avoid cash and if you do make her sign a receipt. When giving checks document the memo with exactly what it is for. I got bit in this area too, because I thought we would have a civil above board divorce, which it turns out os pretty much alway a contradiction in terms.

[Matthean]

Originally Posted by JediKooter

She has gone above and beyond many times in our marriage and always went out of her way to show me how much she loves me. I think I f'd up in not returning that to her. I'm horrible with emotions and communicating what I feel and getting the words out right.

So...you were a guy then. There should have been a turning point in the marriage that it got bad enough for her to be open enough about any issues to possibly look at marriage counseling. At least this way you can have a heads up that things need to be worked on before she drops the hammer. Since she had kids from a previous relationship, she obviously thinks it's better to just bail then find ways to make it work. I wouldn't be too excited if I were the next guy.

One thing to think about, find as many guys who have been married only once for a long time and you are willing to talk with them and befriend them in a way that they kind of become your accountability partners. You might only need to find one guy and sit down for a cup of coffee, or whatever twice a month. Sometimes guys need another guy telling them they did something stupid. If your wife says it, she's "nagging" you. Another guy says it, then well...

[JediKooter]

Originally Posted by Radii

order your credit report from all 3 bureau's. It will have contact info for all credit accounts in your name, and you can go through each one one by one and call them up.

You'll also see a list of credit inquiries where attempts to gain credit may have been made(though many credit inquiries are legit, your current cards doing their quarterly checkups and whatnot). If you see inquiries from companies you don't recognize call them up and make sure there are no accounts in your name with them. I found cell phone plans and utility bills in my name that I may never have found out about otherwise that way.

The fact that you say she has bad credit makes this seem a little more of a red flag to me. In my situation during our marriage we never had credit issues because I was good with money. But after the divorce was final, her bad credit + her being mad at me = an opportunity to get even. Not saying you have a reason to believe that kind of thing might happen to you but its just extra incentive to figure out everything.

I definitely know all about that for sure. Been trying to get her credit straightened out for a couple of years now. I do check my credit reports about once a month and I haven't seen anything new...yet.

People do weird things and even though I doubt she would do anything like that, I do have protect myself.

Originally Posted by JonInMiddleGA

Make sure you have proof of every dime of that, at the very least do it by check so that you have those. But under no circumstance give her cash for anything like that. Otherwise you risk paying it now and then paying it again later.

Oh heck yes. Definitely not given her cash for anything.

Originally Posted by BYU 14

Another big +1, avoid cash and if you do make her sign a receipt. When giving checks document the memo with exactly what it is for. I got bit in this area too, because I thought we would have a civil above board divorce, which it turns out os pretty much alway a contradiction in terms.

She keeps saying she wants to keep it civil. I would like to believe her, but, I don't. I definitely will be keeping track of all the transactions that will be going on between me and her.

Originally Posted by Matthean

So...you were a guy then. There should have been a turning point in the marriage that it got bad enough for her to be open enough about any issues to possibly look at marriage counseling. At least this way you can have a heads up that things need to be worked on before she drops the hammer. Since she had kids from a previous relationship, she obviously thinks it's better to just bail then find ways to make it work. I wouldn't be too excited if I were the next guy.

One thing to think about, find as many guys who have been married only once for a long time and you are willing to talk with them and befriend them in a way that they kind of become your accountability partners. You might only need to find one guy and sit down for a cup of coffee, or whatever twice a month. Sometimes guys need another guy telling them they did something stupid. If your wife says it, she's "nagging" you. Another guy says it, then well...

Funny you bring up marriage counseling. Last year I wanted us to go to counseling and she refused to go, so I went by myself. Like I've said, we haven't always had the best marriage but we always managed to work things out in the end.

That's something I may try. Just don't know. It is true, sometimes when your wife tells you something it does feel like she is nagging you. I always had a problem with how she approached me with problems. It was always in a bitchy tone. So, I would respond in a bitchy tone back to her. I would always tell her, it's all in the tone. If you come at me, of course I'm going to get defensive. I'm not saying that's the right way to handle it, that's just me.

[DaddyTorgo]

god...this sucks

[JediKooter]

Originally Posted by DaddyTorgo

god...this sucks

You ain't kidding DT.

My best friend should be calling me in a little while, we are supposed to hang out for a while tonight.

[DaddyTorgo]

Originally Posted by JediKooter

You ain't kidding DT.

My best friend should be calling me in a little while, we are supposed to hang out for a while tonight.

good!

get some you-time...maybe try to...get away from it all for a lil bit hmM?

[Glengoyne]

I had a bad experience with this once.

I got the news on the answering machine. The #$%&@ left me a freaking message.

Literally two days before I got the message, she walked out right before the Superbowl started. I remember thinking "Don't you freaking screw up Superbowl Sunday for me." In any case. The Birthday even trumps what I thought would have been a nightmare scenario for me.

On a brighter side. Many Superbowls have now come and gone without me even noting the tie with my divorce. Time really can heal these pains.

To follow up with some of the above comments. Don't trust her. If the opportunity presents itself to screw her over...do it. She will do the same to you...All of her friends are giving her the same advice. It is better to Do unto others in this instance. Seriously. Cut off all of the credit lines. Freeze every account you have.

My wife paid off all of her credit cards the last month, while leaving mine with only minimum payments. She even went and paid off retail store bills for household items she planned to take with her. Upon learning that she and her new live in love were off in Hawaii less than a week after walking out on me...I called every credit card I had in stolen...she really should have had the travel agency mail the receipt somewhere else.

Seriously. Freeze all of the accounts. Just call the companies and tell them they need to apply a domestic hold/domestic dispute ...hold on the account.

Oh and only time will make this better. The months after my separation began were the longest of my life.

[DaddyTorgo]

yeahh...see all these experiences is why i think i done sworn off bitches

[Mike1409]

Originally Posted by DaddyTorgo

yeahh...see all these experiences is why i think i done sworn off bitches

+1

[JediKooter]

Originally Posted by DaddyTorgo

good!

get some you-time...maybe try to...get away from it all for a lil bit hmM?

Well crap, looks like I'm not going out. Haven't heard from him after I talked to him.

The wife keeps texting me when I'm leaving so her and the girls can stop by the house and get a few things.

[DaddyTorgo]

Originally Posted by JediKooter

Well crap, looks like I'm not going out. Haven't heard from him after I talked to him.

The wife keeps texting me when I'm leaving so her and the girls can stop by the house and get a few things.

i have a problem with this post, and it's your use of the words "the wife" instead of something more derogatory and appropriate.

[JediKooter]

Originally Posted by Glengoyne

I had a bad experience with this once.

I got the news on the answering machine. The #$%&@ left me a freaking message.

Literally two days before I got the message, she walked out right before the Superbowl started. I remember thinking "Don't you freaking screw up Superbowl Sunday for me." In any case. The Birthday even trumps what I thought would have been a nightmare scenario for me.

On a brighter side. Many Superbowls have now come and gone without me even noting the tie with my divorce. Time really can heal these pains.

To follow up with some of the above comments. Don't trust her. If the opportunity presents itself to screw her over...do it. She will do the same to you...All of her friends are giving her the same advice. It is better to Do unto others in this instance. Seriously. Cut off all of the credit lines. Freeze every account you have.

My wife paid off all of her credit cards the last month, while leaving mine with only minimum payments. She even went and paid off retail store bills for household items she planned to take with her. Upon learning that she and her new live in love were off in Hawaii less than a week after walking out on me...I called every credit card I had in stolen...she really should have had the travel agency mail the receipt somewhere else.

Seriously. Freeze all of the accounts. Just call the companies and tell them they need to apply a domestic hold/domestic dispute ...hold on the account.

Oh and only time will make this better. The months after my separation began were the longest of my life.

Wow, on the answering machine. That is pretty f'd up. Isn't it nice to see how they will talk and talk and talk about honesty and not being selfish, yet, they are the first ones to put honesty aside and turn selfish when things aren't going their way.

The Super Bowl is pretty bad man. Especially if there was a bunch of people over. I bet her Hawaii trip got a whole lot less fun when she couldn't use those cards anymore, haha!!

Yes, it sucks big time now and I agree time should make it better. I hope one day I can look back on this thread and just think, man, I was a sniveling little bitch.

[JediKooter]

Originally Posted by DaddyTorgo

i have a problem with this post, and it's your use of the words "the wife" instead of something more derogatory and appropriate.

I totally understand your point of view DT, it's just that even with all the shit that's going on right now, I still respect her (not for what she's done, but, because I married her). It's kinda hard to explain really. I dispise what she has done, don't get me wrong, but, I took my wedding vows seriously. It's a commitment that I did not take lightly and was prepared to follow through to the very end. I'm just rambling now, sorry.

[path12]

Originally Posted by DaddyTorgo

i have a problem with this post, and it's your use of the words "the wife" instead of something more derogatory and appropriate.

When my ex-wife left me I was so pissed at people who called her names. The anger comes later.

[DaddyTorgo]

Originally Posted by path12

When my ex-wife left me I was so pissed at people who called her names. The anger comes later.

okay...valid point

[DaddyTorgo]

Originally Posted by JediKooter

I totally understand your point of view DT, it's just that even with all the shit that's going on right now, I still respect her (not for what she's done, but, because I married her). It's kinda hard to explain really. I dispise what she has done, don't get me wrong, but, I took my wedding vows seriously. It's a commitment that I did not take lightly and was prepared to follow through to the very end. I'm just rambling now, sorry.

it's cool...ramble on

[JediKooter]

Originally Posted by DaddyTorgo

it's cool...ramble on

So this night didn't go as planned. Just been sitting home and watching stupid movies on SciFi or syfy or whatever the heck they want to call it now.

[DaddyTorgo]

Originally Posted by JediKooter

So this night didn't go as planned. Just been sitting home and watching stupid movies on SciFi or syfy or whatever the heck they want to call it now.

that sucks. almost as much as scyfy's whole "rebranding attempt" sucks

[JediKooter]

Originally Posted by DaddyTorgo

that sucks. almost as much as scyfy's whole "rebranding attempt" sucks

No doubt man. Got to find something do or I'm going to go nuts.

[Rizon]

Originally Posted by DaddyTorgo

oh, and idk what your financial situation is like, and i know the divorce laws there in california frankly are ridiculous (but idk all the details), but you might want to consult a lawyer and/or a PI and see if there's any way you can avoid having to give the bitch too much since she was clearly cheating on you.

Originally Posted by JediKooter

EDIT: To clarify, my birthday is actually on the 18th, she said that's when she was going to tell me she wants out.

Thanks to all for your support. I just woke, I'm surprised I actually got any sleep.

Wow, I did not expect this many responses. haha.

I guess maybe it would help to give some background...

We would have been married for 7 years in December. She has two daughters that I absolutely love and treat them as if they were my own. My wife and I haven't always had the best marriage and I haven't always been the best communicator or the best husband, I am no saint by any stretch of the imagination. We get into arguments and I don't always say the nicest things to my wife. We don't argue all the time, so it's not like we are constantly at each others throats.

Everything I do, is to make her and the girls lives better. I really don't care about me, I just want them to be happy.

As for the phone number she is calling and text messaging. We have verizon and we have that out of network friends and family plan. That number is on there and the name on there, I know him. He is gay. Gay in the very since that he has a HUSBAND type gay. However, with that friends and family plan, you can assign any to any number that you want. So, if I want to name a particular number, Super Nutz, I can do that. She knows that I know, he is gay and I'm she assumed that I would just think, "oh it's just him, their just girl talking". I would believe that, however, when I compared phone records with emails that we sent between us, the more suspicious I become.

Example: My morning routine during the week is, I come into work and email her and ask her how she is doing, how's her day going so far and that I miss her and love her. This one particular email she sent me after sending my email to her, she tells me that she fell asleep at 8pm and slept all the way through the night. I look at the phone records from that night where she says she fell asleep at 8 and see that she made a phone call to him at 11:54pm for almost an hour. I guess she simply forgot that she was on the phone until almost 1 in the morning and that's why she didn't tell me.

The most common example would be, I would email her and she would email me back saying that she's swamped or it's super busy, but, checking the phone records, she is calling him while at work. Wow, you are either the ultimate multi tasker or you are lying to me. Plain and simple.

So I haven't proven 100% that she is cheating on me, but, the circumstantial evidence is not in her favor.

And I am thinking about cutting her phone off, since I saw on her facebook page that she downloaded the facebook app for Blackberry. Didn't know she had a Blackberry...so I think if I cut her phone off, she will be alright.

Finances, not super complex. We don't own a home, we have no kids together. Just some credit card debt and one vehicle that will be paid off in about 2 years. I am however torn on what to do about 'our' house. I love this house, I would like to keep it because, I never planned on being up in the San Jose area permanently. The rent is 1600 a month in a very good neighborhood. The landlords are awesome, they have never raised our rent once in the 7 years that we have lived here. However, I am paying 700 (utilities included) dollars a month in rent for the shack that I live in up in San Jose. Those two rents are about half a months pay right there. Other than cable/internet and the monthly credit card bills, I have no other financial obligations.

I'm down in San Diego now, thinking I was going to do the super hero thing and 'save my marriage'. However, when my wife found out that I was coming home, she said that she doesn't want to be around me, so I haven't seen her since I've been here.

The kick in the nuts was when I was on the phone with her while stuck in that beautiful LA traffic on a Friday night, was when she said that she didn't love me anymore. You can take all of the broken bones, torn knee ligaments and kidney stones that I've had and multiply them by a million and they still would never come close to hurting as bad as it did when she told me that.

I'll be back up in the San Jose are late Sunday night (have to get back to work on Monday), so maybe sometime next week we (good suggestion Karlfornia) can do something for any of you in the area.

I'll try and answer some of the more specific posts. It's good therapy.

Originally Posted by stevew

I'd advise going on financial and credit lockdown as quickly as possible. You don't want her to drain your bank account, or max out your credit cards. If you want to be divorced, definitely take the initiative to get things separated as quickly as possible. You don't want her dinging your credit for the forseeable future.

Originally Posted by JediKooter

My dad said exactly that. Well, not the bitch part, but the other stuff. haha.



I've printed out the phone records, so I've got that. I think the one thing that I should be ok is, our cards are pretty much maxed out, so unless she wants to buy him a sandwich or something, they aren't going very far. However, I have no idea if she has opened up anything under my name that I don't know about. Her whole thing throughout our relationship has been about trust and honesty, but, people do crazy shit all the time that goes against what they harp about.



Ouch!! I am opening up an account on Monday and having my direct deposit changed to that. I will only give her money that is for our finances that we incurred together. I have to figure out a way to get my name off the Explorer I bought her and have it financed under her name. If that's even possible.



Yes, yes, that is my thinking too. Even though when she text messages me, I can't resist throwing in a jab now and then. I have to stop doing that, but, dang it!!!!



It's just really weird right now. When I got married, it just never occurred to me what life would be like without her. It's a very strange feeling. She's threatened to leave me before, but, we've always come to our senses and realize whatever was troubling us, was not as big of a deal as it initially seemed.

My dad says to get a lawyer. That's great, but affording that is just not option right now. I do want to do everything I can to protect myself and not hurt the girls. My wife is a big girl, she can fend for herself, but, I really don't want to mess up the girls.


And on a side note...there's always 3 sides to a story, my version, her version and the actual truth. I have not been the best husband by any stretch of the imagination. However, I have not been the worst husband either. She has gone above and beyond many times in our marriage and always went out of her way to show me how much she loves me. I think I f'd up in not returning that to her. I'm horrible with emotions and communicating what I feel and getting the words out right.

I'm in month 11 of my divorce here in California. Your situation sounds similar to mine, but without the kids and I was the one that broke it off. But some points:

1) California is a no-fault state. They don't care about an affair. Only if money was used for the affair, like say she made major purchases for him (like say, jewelry).

2) This is California and you have a penis, get ready to feel the biased wrath of the court system here. It's ... insane. I mean, I can't even express how overly biased it is in favor of the "little guy".

3) You said you make twice as much as she does. You'll be paying spousal support for 3 1/2 years, and you'll be paying about 70% of HER lawyer costs. Laywers around here typically run at about $300/hr, with an upfront retainer of $2500-$3000.

4) One spouse can make it VERY difficult for the other by fighting things. Sometimes you have to take a loss in the battle in order to not lose the war (and make the lawyers rich). This gets pretty frustrating.

5) You're separated when she left (or you left, I forget). Anything after that is separate debt. She can't go out and buy a car and have you be responsible for half. Of course, this is all if either of you doesn't contest the separation date.

6) California is 50/50. All debts and gains incurred during your 7 year marriage is split. Pensions, cars, houses, credit cards, cash, all that.

7) Start gathering your paperwork now. All of it. Your lawyer (and hers) will be asking for a SHITLOAD of your stuff; bank statements, retirement statements, loans, docs, etc etc etc.

8) I think you said you bought her a car? 50/50 ... but shes not going to let you add her name to the loan and remove yours. Since she has bad credit, I would ask your lawyer to have a provision in your settlement that the car gets paid off ... either take part of the monthly or something. I agreed to a lump sum settlement instead of a per month, with a portion of the lump sum going to pay off her student loans for which I am co-signed. Otherwise she's going to fail to pay that loan and guess what? You'll have to pay for it and/or have to sue her.

9) There is ... a lot of round and round and round and round ... omg.

10) If you were the one leaving the house, you'd need a court order to remove her (if you want her out). You'll probably lose that if she has the kids.

That's all I can think about off the top of my head. Divorce here is one fucked up process. Sorry if this is bad news and sorry you have to go through this.

[DaddyTorgo]

gah @ everything Rizon said. That's even more why I swore off the bitches. That's some fucked up shit right there.

[Lorena]

So a little birdie told me the Chargers are going 12-4, let's hope.... let's hope.

[Rizon]

Oh, I'll try to post things as I remember them. DO NOT meet her in private. DO NOT live in the same house as her. If you need to talk to her in person, do it in a public place (like a coffee shop) or bring a friend. All it takes is her to ACCUSE you of assault and you're in for a very, very rough time. "He threatened me / pushed me / shoved me" is all it takes.

[JediKooter]

Originally Posted by Rizon

I'm in month 11 of my divorce here in California. Your situation sounds similar to mine, but without the kids and I was the one that broke it off. But some points:

1) California is a no-fault state. They don't care about an affair. Only if money was used for the affair, like say she made major purchases for him (like say, jewelry).

Yup, I knew California is a no fault state.

2) This is California and you have a penis, get ready to feel the biased wrath of the court system here. It's ... insane. I mean, I can't even express how overly biased it is in favor of the "little guy".

I've heard some pretty messed up stuff about California and guys getting screwed. I am not looking forward to any of this.

3) You said you make twice as much as she does. You'll be paying spousal support for 3 1/2 years, and you'll be paying about 70% of HER lawyer costs. Laywers around here typically run at about $300/hr, with an upfront retainer of $2500-$3000.

Unless her alleged boyfriend is subsidizing a lawyer for her, neither one of us can really afford one to be honest.

4) One spouse can make it VERY difficult for the other by fighting things. Sometimes you have to take a loss in the battle in order to not lose the war (and make the lawyers rich). This gets pretty frustrating.

It's been difficult and frustrating the moment she told me she wants out and devastating when she told me she doesn't love me. But, I am willing to compromise in order not get shafted.

5) You're separated when she left (or you left, I forget). Anything after that is separate debt. She can't go out and buy a car and have you be responsible for half. Of course, this is all if either of you doesn't contest the separation date.

Well, we have kind of a complex arrangement. I work up in Cupertino and she lives here in San Diego with the girls. I fly home once a month (wish it was more). All things considered, she left me on Monday when she told me she wanted out.

6) California is 50/50. All debts and gains incurred during your 7 year marriage is split. Pensions, cars, houses, credit cards, cash, all that.

Oh yes, definitely know that one. I'm not only pissed because of what she is doing, I'm pissed because I know I will now have to deal with all the extra hassles that come along with getting a divorce here in California.

7) Start gathering your paperwork now. All of it. Your lawyer (and hers) will be asking for a SHITLOAD of your stuff; bank statements, retirement statements, loans, docs, etc etc etc.

Now that I think about it, we really don't have a whole lot of paper work/documents.

8) I think you said you bought her a car? 50/50 ... but shes not going to let you add her name to the loan and remove yours. Since she has bad credit, I would ask your lawyer to have a provision in your settlement that the car gets paid off ... either take part of the monthly or something. I agreed to a lump sum settlement instead of a per month, with a portion of the lump sum going to pay off her student loans for which I am co-signed. Otherwise she's going to fail to pay that loan and guess what? You'll have to pay for it and/or have to sue her.

Yes, I bought her a car. We just didn't put her name on the loan info in order for it to get financed. I am definitely getting things in writing from her.

9) There is ... a lot of round and round and round and round ... omg.

Well that hasn't started yet, but, I expect it to very soon.

10) If you were the one leaving the house, you'd need a court order to remove her (if you want her out). You'll probably lose that if she has the kids.

Funny you mention that. Tonight I text messaged her and told her that she should be the one packing up her shit and moving out, not me. Since she knew for months that she wanted out, she should have had her shit packed and ready to go.

That's all I can think about off the top of my head. Divorce here is one fucked up process. Sorry if this is bad news and sorry you have to go through this.

Thanks for the advice. This is going to suck some major ass is all I know. I just think she's taking the cowards way out of things and not buckling down and doing what it takes to preserve a marriage. Nothing I can do to change her mind though.

I think I just threw up a little...

[JediKooter]

Originally Posted by Lorena

So a little birdie told me the Chargers are going 12-4, let's hope.... let's hope.

Haha! All I know is, if the Chargers win the Super Bowl, then I KNOW, in fact, that this is all a dream.

[Rizon]

Originally Posted by JediKooter

Yup, I knew California is a no fault state.



I've heard some pretty messed up stuff about California and guys getting screwed. I am not looking forward to any of this.



Unless her alleged boyfriend is subsidizing a lawyer for her, neither one of us can really afford one to be honest.



It's been difficult and frustrating the moment she told me she wants out and devastating when she told me she doesn't love me. But, I am willing to compromise in order not get shafted.



Well, we have kind of a complex arrangement. I work up in Cupertino and she lives here in San Diego with the girls. I fly home once a month (wish it was more). All things considered, she left me on Monday when she told me she wanted out.



Oh yes, definitely know that one. I'm not only pissed because of what she is doing, I'm pissed because I know I will now have to deal with all the extra hassles that come along with getting a divorce here in California.



Now that I think about it, we really don't have a whole lot of paper work/documents.



Yes, I bought her a car. We just didn't put her name on the loan info in order for it to get financed. I am definitely getting things in writing from her.



Well that hasn't started yet, but, I expect it to very soon.



Funny you mention that. Tonight I text messaged her and told her that she should be the one packing up her shit and moving out, not me. Since she knew for months that she wanted out, she should have had her shit packed and ready to go.



Thanks for the advice. This is going to suck some major ass is all I know. I just think she's taking the cowards way out of things and not buckling down and doing what it takes to preserve a marriage. Nothing I can do to change her mind though.

I think I just threw up a little...

If you ever wanna buy me drinks sometime ...

[JediKooter]

Originally Posted by Rizon

If you ever wanna buy me drinks sometime ...

Well, pay day is in two weeks, so maybe then?