ZFL: Season 2007 Begins

[sachmo71]

groan

[digamma]

Let's go Swaggs.

Let's go Swaggs.

Let's go Swaggs.

[korme]

somebody pm swaggs, he has been real busy lately

[JeeberD]

You can't do it yourself Shorty?

...so damn lazy...

[Swaggs]

Sent... sorry!

[korme]

i'm a lazy bitch

[JeeberD]

Originally Posted by Shorty3281

i'm a lazy bitch

[revrew]

Mark Schlereth's Pre-season Picks

"Undoubtedly one of the toughest seasons on record to predict. Last season, the teams of the ZFL varied so widely from the preseason picks (with the exception of Portland's success), that it makes this season doubly hard to predict. Will Johnny Rotten guide Little Rock out of the cellar? Yes, I think so. Is L.A. finally slipping? Yes, I think so. But how good is the Milwaukee and Birmingham D? Did Knoxville's big offseason trade bring them back into contention? Or merely slow the slide? Is San Antonio ready to rise up and grab a title? What a jumbled mess.

Isn't it wonderful?

Here's my picks:

Portland 10-1"It's true that Portland went undefeated last year. And until someone knocks them off, they're still the champs. And true, they have the best offensive line, the best defensive tackles, and perhaps the best wideout in the league. But how much will the injury to Khan Ogadai affect Paddy O? And is the rest of the defense up to the task? Portland is a precarious preseason pick."
San Antonio 9-2"Last season's fifth-place finish was a fluke. It had to be. The Margaritas bring in defensive superstars and a very solid offense. If it weren't for a young, unproven QB and an over-the-hill CB, San Antonio would be a great pick to win it all. But with San Antonio, the question continues: is the offense good enough to score just one more touchdown than the defense allows? Not every week. So San Antonio will probably do no better than second."
Albuquerque 9-2"The Isotopes are the last of the league's true contenders. The champ will come from one of the top three. Looking at Albuquerque's lineup, I can't imagine I'm even talking about them . But every year they surprise. The defense is suspect, the offensive line is falling apart...but then there's Sizzlack. Sizzlack and all his weapons. That alone might be enough. Look for AQ to be in the title hunt again."
Knoxville 8-3"After AQ, there are a string of teams (I count 5) that will beat the crap out of each other trying to scratch their way up. Mix 'em, match 'em, they will probably split the wins and losses enough to prevent any of the 5 from making a legitimate title shot. KX, MW, LA, BH, and yes, CN all want a shot at finishing fourth. Even with the trade, Knoxville's defense is lousy. But the offense is unbelievable. One of the best QBs, the best WR tandem, and a solid running game will give Knoxville every chance of making a title run. But the D? Oh, woe is me. The best of the 5 also-rans, I just don't see the D allowing the Rednecks to go any higher than fourth."
Milwaukee 8-3 "If only Milwaukee had some more muscle in their DTs, we'd be talking about Muscle Men for the title. The rest of the defense (and, omigosh, can you believe Superman?) is rock solid. The running backs are powerful. And, though the O-line is suspect, I think rookie WR Lightning will give Milwaukee a steady, TD-producing passing game. Very, very dangerous squad."
Los Angeles 7-4 "The Stars are slipping. The once great Star Crunch is no more. The DTs stink, they have a girl starting at CB, and some of Brad Pitt's luster is fading amid other great ZFL linebackers like SA's Ray Lewis and MW's Superman. Yet the L.A. offense is on the rise--big time. The best OTs in the league now get rookie help from stud OG Howard Stern, and HB Rodney Dangerfield is going to start getting some bigtime respect around this league. Watch for L.A. to put up some points, but still fall short of the title."
Cincinnati 6-5"Cinci is one of the league's most consistently abover average teams. DE Strong Mad may be a star, but other than that, everyone just does their job...well. There are no weaknesses on this team. Don't be surprised if cumulative team effort nets Cinci some upset wins this season. Unfortunately for the chaps, there are few graybeards on the roster, and GM Shorty will have some work to do to help Cinci rise above above-average."
Birmingham 6-5"Birmingham has probably the best defense in the league. Yes, even better than San Antonio. But without a MLB stud, the Olympians fall just short of being one of the best ever. And unfortunately for GM tucker, the offense still falls WELL short of being one of the best. True, OG Another Troy may be the best unknown player in the league, but there are just too many average players to keep pace with better teams in the league. Still...if the defense really gels...I may have picked BH way too low."
Little Rock 4-7"I'm jumping on the Johnny Rotten bandwagon early. Bring on the hands-down favorite for OROY. Little Rock's defense still has some holes (though not as many as you might think), but Rajah and JR may be a combination too lethal to keep the Willies down."
Chicago 3-8"The Chicago wrecking ball offense is near unstoppable. If they had just one more OG, it would be. The secondary is picking up, the Eagles have a solid young MLB, and I think Chicago has a good start to the rebuilding process."
Fargo 2-9"Fargo has built a wreckingball offense of their own, and have just picked up a pair of fine young WRs. The defense is slowly improving, though perhaps too slowly to keep up with the ZFL. The future is bright for Fargo, but with Killer at QB, the 'Fish will likely remain at the bottom of the pile for a while."
El Paso 2-9"The Busters picking up HB Blair Thomas was good. But injury and age are taking a toll. GM JeeberD hasn't been able to keep up with how old his players are getting. Unfortunately, I think El Paso fans better get used to thinking about high draft picks."

[revrew]

Other Bold Predictions

Dan Patrick
Champ: "As of right now, Portland is still undefeated. They might not stay that way all season, but long enough to win the title."
Chump: "You mean, 'Who will finish last?' Hey, I don't need any disgruntled Crawfish chasing after me."
Up-and-comer:"Milwaukee. I think rookie WR Lightning might be just the offensive spark they need to add to the defensive wall."
MVP: "If Portland wins again, I wouldn't be surprised if Erik Flamebeard walks away with the trophy."
Rookie to watch:"There's no surprise here. Johnny Rotten is the rookie to watch."

Howie Long
Champ: "Portland. The Military Middle will stop anyone from keeping up with their offensive firepower."
Chump:"Chicago. Their two ancient DTs and OG Mark--plays like--Sheet will be their downfall."
Up-and-comer:"Little Rock is better than their previous years' records would indicate."
MVP:"Once again, gotta go with Mo. Sizzlack."
Rookie to watch: "Blair Thomas in El Paso has the ability, if his line can give him a hole."

Phil Simms
Champ: "I'm going to go out on a limb and say Milwaukee. Sure, their guards and DTs are weak, but there's just too much talent elsewhere."
Chump:"Fargo's front 6 are too weak, their QB too sad."
Up-and-comer:"Be wary of that Birmingham D."
MVP:"OLB Superman takes home the hardware."
Rookie to watch:"Chicago's CB Sean Sharper is going to give opponents fits."

John Madden
Champ:"Well, I think what you have to do is draw a circle around this guy right here. Ray Lewis. I mean, BAM! What a linebacker. If defense wins championships, then you don't need to look any farther than San Antonio."
Chump:"Chump? That's about how much change I'll give Little Rock credit for. Rotten or no, the Willies are rotten."
Up-and-comer:"Up and coming? I'll tell you what's up and coming. That burrito I had for lunch. Oh, man!"
MVP:"MVP...MVP...what does that stand for again?"
Rookie to watch: "You want someone to watch? I'll tell you someone to watch. Anna Kournikova. There's someone to watch."

Ron Jaworski
Champ:"Albuquerque. Moe Sizzlack finally gets the ring."
Chump:"I think El Paso is falling downhill fast."
Up-and-comer: "Knoxville will be back on the warpath."
MVP:"Moe Sizzlack"
Rookie to watch: "SA FB Teeny. Fullbacks have a lot of impact on the ZFL, and Teeny looks like th next great one."

Shannon Sharpe
Champ:"You just gotta like Dirtpounder and the ManChild. Portland is primed for a repeat."
Chump:"Don't chump on Chicago. Not with that wrecking ball. Fargo is just an imitation of the real thing; look for Fish in last place."
Up-and-comer:"Milwaukee isn't ready yet, but a championship for the Muscle Men is right around the corner."
MVP: "Manfred von Richthofen. Give it up for the ManChild."
Rookie to watch:"A lot of people are writing off LA, now that the defense is down. But when Rodney Dangerfield starts running all over the place, people are going to pay attention to OG Howard Stern."

Brawny Mike
Champ:"Portland's reign of terror is over. I'm saying San Antonio."
Chump: "They won't come in last, but L.A. is going down fast. Star fans will be scratching their heads by midseason."
Up-and-comer:"Cincinnati is quietly building both sides of the ball. I like the Chaps to turn some heads."
MVP: "SA MLB Ray Lewis."
Rookie to watch:"Johnny Rotten. He's something special."

Scrawny Mike
Champ:"Too many close ones at the top. I'll strike a note for tie ballgames and the kicker. Bruce Handily takes Milwaukee to the show."
Chump:"Dead last belongs to Fargo."
Up-and-comer:
MVP:"Oh, heck. Why not? Bruce Handily."
Rookie to watch:"I agree with the fat man that Cinci is on the rise. Watch the fireworks when WR Senor Cardgage gets the ball."

12-year-old Cody Turren from Bozeman, Montana
Champ:"Brandon Mercer. Most popular guy in the class. Heather Lawson is going out with him."
Chump: "Me. I asked Heather if she liked me before I knew she was going with Brandon. She laughed."
Up-and-comer:"Sick. I might be in junior high, but there are some things I won't talk about on TV."
MVP: "What's that? Some new disease? Is that why the nurse is giving out condoms?"
Rookie to watch: "Don't look now, but Kayley Harrison is filling out very nicely."

[sachmo71]

Rev rules!

[Swaggs]

Man, I cannot believe that Cody Turren picked Kayley Harrison over J.R. for Rookie to Watch!

[tucker342]

ouch... Well I guess my team isn't as good as I thought they were....

[JAG]

Hm, compared with past years, I'd say Cody has puberty on the brain.

[tucker342]

Birmingham would like to announce a trade-

Birmingham gets:
25 Stone Hammertoe-MLB

Fargo gets:
31 Troy-MLB
2nd round pick

[JAG]

Wow, The Afoci has cornered the 2008 ZFL draft and obtained a bounty of draft picks even the Patriots would be proud of. I do wonder what the season ticket holders will think though.

[The Afoci]

Stone is the only starter traded and his replacement is only marginally worse. Next years draft better be good.

[revrew]

Gut check time for BH. Might they be a sleeper? What will this trade do to that defense? Hmmm...

(Very nice. I love to see all this maneuvering. You go, gentlemen.)

[revrew]

dola

Hey, sachmo, tucker, and others who have expressed appreciation, compliments, and Golden Scribe votes. I'm really encouraged by it all.

By the way, thanks in part to you guys, the ZFL has won 3 Golden Scribes, 1 Silver Scribe, and there's one more possible yet to go. Great work!

[revrew]

double dola

Whoa. Problem.

According to league records, LA has possession of Birmingham's 2008 second round pick as a result of the Arnold Schwartzeneggar trade. This would make the previously announced trade null and void, unless both parties can reach another agreement, or if both can agree to making the second round pick the 2009 second round pick.

[JeeberD]

Well, looks like I have the inside track on the first pick. Go Busters!!!

[revrew]

Season 7 Schedule (Key Matchups in bold)

WEEK 1
BH - EP
CH - AQ
FG - CN
SA - MW - Two defenses, two contenders -- setting the tone early
LA - KX - Two contenders get an early test. A loss could knock one out.
PT - LR

WEEK 2
PT - EP
LR - LA
KX - SA - Bringin the noise. Offense vs. Defense
MW - FG
CN - CH
AQ - BH - The best defense takes on the best QB

WEEK 3
MW - EP
KX - CN
LR - AQ
PT - BH
LA - CH
SA - FG

WEEK 4
SA - EP
LA - FG
PT - CH
LR - BH
KX - AQ - Passing game, anyone?
MW - CN - Cinci gets their shot to prove who's got it.

WEEK 5
KX - EP
LR - MW
PT - CN
LA - AQ
SA - BH - Battle of the D. 0-0 tie?
FG -CH

WEEK 6
CN - EP
MW - AQ
KX - BH
LR - CH - Which team will show they've got the stuff to crawl out of the cellar?
PT - FG
LA - SA

WEEK 7
CH - EP
FG - BH
SA - AQ - Sorting out the top contenders...or are we playing the championship?
LA - CN
PT - MW - Always a close game, but now with two of the best kickers in the ZFL!
LR - KX

WEEK 8
AQ - EP
BH - CN
CH - MW
FG - KX
SA - LR
LA - PT

WEEK 9
LR - EP
PT - KX Has Thumbless got the weapons to knock off the champs?
LA - MW
SA - CN
FG - AQ
CH - BH

WEEK 10
FG - EP
SA - CH
LA - BH Heating up the homestretch. By now, we'll know who the players are.
PT - AQ Is this the championship?
LR - CN
KX - MW And how much will this game mean?

WEEK 11
LA - EP
PT - SA Sorry, JAG, you've got to wait till week 11. But will this decide it?
LR - FG
KX - CH
MW - BH Or will this?
CN - AQ


By the way, WE CANNOT BEGIN until I get a trade correction from BH and FG

[The Afoci]

Sorry, I am trying to work out the kinks in our trade currently. I am still waiting for a response.

[korme]

yawn....

[sachmo71]

Originally Posted by Shorty3281

yawn....

Seconded.

Can this deal not take place after the season starts?

[JeeberD]

Probably not. What if he started the season and then the two teams couldn't finalize the deal? Rev would probably have to start over with the players back on their original teams...

[tucker342]

sorry about that Rev. We're working on a new deal now...

[tucker342]

Hey Rev, you can go ahead and start. The Afoci and I will start discussions again after the season. Don't wanna keep everyone waiting

[The Afoci]

Sorry. The backroom dealings hit a stalemate when we couldn't decide whose dog had to lick whose you know what with peanutbutter and jelly. Once that was decided, Tucker insisted that it be Jif Peanut Butter and Strawberry Jelly. I wanted Jif Peanut Butter and Grape Jelly. It was clear we wouldn't be leaving that stance for a while and called it off.

[Swaggs]

Game on!

[revrew]

WEEK 1 RESULTS

"The 2007 season of the ZFL began with a bang the way only the ZFL can! The opening matchup pitted always offensive-minded Knoxville against the L.A. Stars. L.A. was once a defensive superpower, but in the last two years has taken up offense with a vengeance. Would rookie OG Howard Stern complete the Star O-line and pave the way for an LA victory over the hapless Redneck D? Or would Knoxville's offseason trades give the D enough of a boost to hand the Knoxville offense the W?

L.A.'s rookie OG answered questions quickly, as LA HB Rodney Dangerfield broke off some big gains early. On their first possession, Dangerfield streaked 6 yards into the endzone untouched...LA 7-0.

But the Rednecks answered right away with a play that would open huge holes all afternoon. OG megastar Fort Sumter Jackson pulled around end, FB Jarret Jackson picked up the trap block, leaving Sumter free to put the hurtin' on LA MLB Brad Pitt. With the PittBull bulldozed into the ground, HB Leon Jackson turned on the jets, got to the outside, and took off! Leon had 100 yards and 2 TDs at the half.

But Knoxville's woeful D-line proved no match for the Stars. Rodney Dangerfield picked up 5 yards, it seemed, every time he touched the ball. With that kind of success, he touched the ball often. At the half, LA 21, KX 14.

The second half saw Rodney Dangerfield put LA up 28-14 with his third TD of the day (he would finish with 216 yards rushing and 4 TDs). Knoxville needed to turn to the air to keep up.

Young LA CB Mira Sorvino got taken to school quickly, as KX WR Jackson Jackson proved too fast, too big, too strong for her. His second TD of the day, a 19-yard cross in the back of the endzone, helped Knoxville tie the score just before the buzzer. Dangerfield had 4 TDs, WR Ashton Kucher had 2, and the Knoxville gang added up 6 scores as well. With the score 42-42, bring on the kickers!

Seasoned, tested, veteran Little Val Kilmer would get sorely tested by Knoxville's Eli Manning in a battle only fitting for the Knoxville home fans--greased pig catching. Each contestant was given 5 minutes to haul in as many Crisco-covered miniswine as possible. In the mudpen, Manning went first. Handlers released 3 slicked piglets, sounded an airhorn, and Manning chased them down. He handled the first two easily, but when the handlers released another 3 into the pen, Manning tripped over a couple and the additional mud made his job impossible. Three total pigs for Manning--still a decent score.

Kilmer turned his nose at the event at first, but one of the piglets (no confirmation as of yet that it was the child actor who played "Babe" in the hit movie) leaped into his arms, netting Kilmer an easy one. And once he had one "under his belt," Kilmer took to the task. By the time the buzzer sounded, LVK had scooped up 4 little hamballs, and the battle of the bacon goes to Los Angeles! LA wins, 45-42.*

*No animals were harmed in the making of this film

*****
"Unfortunately for Chicago, the second game on the schedule wasn't such a thriller.

Though Chicago's much anticipated secondary, S Shut Down and CB Sean Sharper, played the AQ receivers like gloves, Chicago's complete inability to generate a pass rush gave Moe Sizzlack WAAAYYY too much time. And with Shut Down and Sharper working their tails off to contain the receivers, AQ RBs Guy Incognito and Drederick Tatum caught 2 of Sizzlack's 3 TDs on the day.

Chicago's offense looked every bit as impressive as last year--at least as far as the run is concerned--as OG Tom Sanders dominated the trenches and FB Josh Hackenstein blasted open huge holes for Randy Steele to run through.

All in all, it was a running back kind of day. Steele ran for 100+ with a pair of scores, Hackenstein punched in a tuddy, Incognito had one by land and air, and Drederick Tatum knotched up 3 total: 1 by air, and 2 by land.

But Chicago's woeful wideouts found no room at all. Without any air power to match the 'Topes, AQ wins easy, 42-21."

*****
"So far we've seen offense. Not so in San Antonio. The Margaritas began their run at the title against the daunting defense of the Milwaukee Muscle Men.

The Muscle Men have only one weakness on defense--the middle. With OLB Superman, two solid DEs, and an airtight secondary, San Antonio had no chance of passing the ball. But run the ball...

With OGs Lone Star and Pancake pounding the middle, the Margarita running attack was in full force. Rookie FB Teeny got thrown into the fire immediately, often responsible for picking up the block on Superman. Teeny's good. But he's not that good. The SA FB got schooled by an MVP, and only constant punches up the middle generated any offense for SA. A HB Mutt TD plunge in the second proved San Antonio's only score.

It would be up to the Margarita Monster D to win this one.

Milwaukee hoped running Ricky Williams off OT No Sacks Allowed would isolate SA rookie OLB Pops. But give Pops some credit--he didn't make the plays, but he did eat up blockers. This allowed Ray Lewis to roam free. Bad news for brew-town fans. Ray Lewis accumulated 13 tackles and a sack on the way to a bonecrushing defensive display by the Margaritas.

MW QB Dan Marino Jr. was looking forward to trying out his two young receiving weapons, Lightning and Nothing but Touchdowns. He's still looking for them. San Antonio's speedy DTs brushed past Milwaukee's weak OGs and put hands in Marino's face and grass stains on his back all afternoon. SA DTs Aragorn and Sack U accounted for 11 hurries, 7 knockdowns, and 3 sacks. Nothing like padding your stats.

A brilliant defensive effort by the Margaritas today. MW never broke the plane. SA wins, 7-0."

*****
"Speaking of defense, Birmingham was ready to bring it today against El Paso. And so was BH OG Another Troy. El Paso's sad defensive front fell down like paperdolls before the power of Another Troy. A.T. pancaked shipping lanes for BH HB Roman to run through, and if it weren't for EP MLB Brian Bosworth's 14 tackles, Roman would still be running.

EP OLB Trev Alberts definetly looked like he's lost a step, missing several opportunities to make some badly needed plays.

Birmingham's defense, however, looked like it's just hitting stride. El Paso brought the heat with FB Rashaan Salaam and new favorite toy, HB Blair Thomas. But BH DTs Hera and Cyclopes repelled the tide. BH's young, impressive OLB Aristotle sealed up the outside, giving DEs Atlantis and Another Atlantis free runs at the QB. You don't want to do that. Not if you value your QB's life.

The Olympians managed 21 points, 5 sacks, 1 INT, and 3 fumble recoveries. It may have been a picture perfect day for BH. But in the third quarter, EP OG Eugene Chung pushed Hera to the side, and Blair Thomas planted a drop-your-shorts-and-say-ahh cutback that left BH MLB Troy dead in the water. Troy watched from behind as Thomas eluded the secondary and broke for a 27-yard TD.

It wasn't a good day for Troy. Perhaps the rumors of his impending trade to Fargo were a distraction. At any rate, the rest of the D held the line, and BH wins 21-7."

*****
"Perhaps a few seasons ago, Cincinnati vs. Fargo would have been a close matchup. But not today. Cinci tossed a whole bag of tricks at Fargo, who never knew where the next play was going.

QB Mr. Shmallow did an excellent job of distributing the ball. No longer dependent on Homestar to do it all, he hit rookie Senor Cardgage for 5-87 and got some mileage from FB Pom Pom following young stud OG So and So on the screen. The running game was even more impressive as Cinci's mix-and-match offensive unit showed capability of running right, left, close, wide, power, and finesse.

Not so for Fargo. The Fargo wrecking ball runs one way--up the gut and right through you. Even Cinci's defensive captain, DT The Poopsmith, was no match for it. Following OG animal Ray and FB Ty Wick, FG HB Glutton for Punishment did more dishing today than he did taking. Glutton carried the ball 29 times for 130 yards and 2 TDs. If Fargo's passing could match the output...

But Cinci's defense made sure that wasn't going to happen. Even on 36-year-old legs, CN OLB Homsar can cover the flat. And with last year's sack leader, Strong Mad, and up-and-comer The Ugly One on the other side, Fargo couldn't even get the play action working. Impressive day for the Cinci D.

By the buzzer, Cinci grabbed 3 on the ground and 1 in the air while Fargo couldn't manage more than Glutton could produce. Cinci wins, 28-14."

*****
"The week's final, nationally televised final pitted last year's champ, Portland, against Little Rock. Now, normally, Little Rock wouldn't get this kind of national spotlight. This kind of game is normally a blowout. But that was LR B.R. (Little Rock Before Rotten). With fans and media buzzing about LR rookie QB Johnny Rotten, the Willies got a rare chance to shoot for the ultimate upset on a national stage.

Portland opened with a little "Bring it On." First-time starter LR DT Rock Knutne got a painful introduction to PT OG Erik Flamebeard, eating his cleats for the first quarter and giving up a Lothar Dirtpounder TD. Manfred von Richthofen added a TD in the first, then DT Captain Bipto forced a fumble, and things looked bleak. Bleak indeed. Soon, Portland was up 21-0, and halftime was right around the corner.

The era of Johnny Rotten hadn't meant much.

Yet.

With 3:18 on the clock, Dirtpounder failed to convert a 4th when LR DT Henry Blitzen wrapped him up inches shy. Little Rock's ball.

On third and 5, J.R. dropped back, but Colonel Joseph C. McCormick III busted through like a charging bull. Rotten rolled right, but a blitzing Zoinks McAllister wrestled free from a block and presented an outside threat. Rotten stepped up, eluding McAllister. He spun out of McCormick's grasp. There's bodies flying and lying all over the backfield. Rotten breaks right again. But PT Safety Black Mage is spying, so Rotten won't make it on a scramble. McAllister is back up again. Here comes Zoinks!

Rotten pulls back the gun and launches a bullet cross field. Zoinks crashes into him like a freight train. Both bodies go flailing into the sidelines.

But guess who got open? And guess who Johnny Rotten was throwing to? HB Rajah Saleem. Guess who you ain't never gonna catch when he gets open? Rajah Saleem. Rajah sprinted and juked 73 yards to the endzone...and Little Rock fans get a glimpse of things to come. The J.R. era has begun.

In the second half, Little Rock suddenly found a boost of confidence. Rajah Saleem sprinted off another big TD run, this time following a key block from FB Kid Rock.

Portland got the ball again, but when PT WR Khan Ogadai ran into rookie Safety Ronnie Lott, Jr., Ogadai lost consciousness. And the the ball. The pigskin popped up into the air, and LR OLB Little Ray plucked it from the sky. He turned, followed a killer block by LR DE L.L.JeeberD, and he...could...go...all...the...way! Touchdown, Little Rock!

The score was now tied. 21-21.

As Little Rock GM Swaggs says, "Game on."

Portland's next possession showed no mercy. Running up the gut behind Erik Flamebeard. Tossing the hitch and go on 2nd and 4 to Mafred von Richthofen. Then some more Dirtpounder. Just like that, PT is back on top.

A couple of exchanged possessions, and then Rajah busts another one, this time on the outside around LR OT Keith Slapinski. We're tied again. And Portland only has one more chance to stop this from going overtime. What the ??

Paddy O' goes to the sky, but LR Tommy 'TNT' Toothpick--once a draft bust, now an improving young veteran--swatted it away. Portland is stalling...

The game could have went overtime. Of course, Little Rock's Mr. Ed isn't much to count on in overtime. It could have, save for that call. 3rd and 3. Portland is in trouble. Lothar is on the bench banged up a bit. And 37-year-old veteran LR DE Mark jumped offsides. It gave Portland one more first down. They scored on the next play. Portland wins an unbelievably close game, 35-28."

*******
Commish's recap
"Excellent game, Little Rock. Put a little fear into your future opponents. Very nice.

Birmingham, San Antonio, Milwaukee, excellent defensive efforts.

Los Angeles: are you really that good offensively, or was it just Knoxville's D? FOUR rushing TDs??

Next week, look for some big clashes as AQ takes on that BH defense. Will Birmingam pull off the trade that's been rumored? And will it make a difference against Sizzlack and Tatum? Speaking of O vs. D, Knoxville vs. San Antonio next week as well. And what of that L.A. vs Little Rock game? Are Rajah and Rotten really ready to rumble?

Isn't it lovely to have football on again?

[JAG]

Originally Posted by revrew

Isn't it lovely to have football on again?

YES

Great first week.

[sachmo71]

Yay!

I hope my corners can stand up to Knoxville.

[tucker342]

Very solid win by Birmingham!

And I would just like to say, I hate my MLB Troy

[JeeberD]

Shut up, tuck...

[Coffee Warlord]

Daaaamn. Helluva lot closer than I like to see. 'Course, Portland didn't improve much.

[Marmel]

K Little Val Kilmer should be a first ballot hall of famer.

[digamma]

"You ain't no Jackson, Eli" has become a common refrain on the streets of Knoxville.

[revrew]

WEEK 2 RESULTS
"Blowouts...upsets...ties...where you want to begin?

In the good, bad, and the ugly,let's get the ugly out of the way first. Ugly is what happened in Portland where the champs flexed their muscles after last week's fright vs. Little Rock. Unfortunately, El Paso served as the dumbbell for Portland's muscle flexing.

Little good can be said for El Paso's effort in this game. Only highlights: INT by veteran Buster safety Patrick Bates, 16 tackles by MLB Brian Bosworth, and a solid game of ball-control (more like damage control) by FB star Rashaan Salaam.

The highlight reels belong to Portland, as OGs Erik Flamebeard and Tim the Troll blew up El Paso's inferior interior, paving the way for HB Lothar Dirtpounder to pile up 163 yards and 3 TDs. WR Manfred von Richthofen caught a pair of tuddies as well.

Defensively, Portland's Military Middle smothered EP rookie HB Blair Thomas, and the young PT secondary played an outstanding game.

All cylinders go for Portland, winning 35-0."

*****
"Equally ugly was the contest in Milwaukee, where the Muscle Men dominated Fargo. It was likely the Muscle Men defense would do some damage in this game...but offense, too?

Milwaukee took a page out of L.A.'s playbook, running the "tackle trap," where the guard pushes out and the tackle loops in to blow up the DT. If the guard is light on his feet, if the DE is too aggressive, and if the DT is a bit slow...it's a devestating play. Milwaukee's OT No Sacks Allowed and FB Bulldozer did their parts beautifully, and the "tackle trap" sprung HB Ricky Williams for 129 yards and 3 TDs.

With Milwaukee's offense quickly building a lead, Fargo turned to the air, hoping their young WRs were up to the task. Maybe they could be, but QB Killer was not. Everything went wrong for Fargo against the tough MW D. Even though FG OG Ray and FB Ty Wick blew open the middle, MW OLB Superman sliced in behind the Fargo Wrecking Ball to pull down HB Glutton for Punishment before he could hit the hole. MW CB Patrick Surtain pulled down a pair of INTs, and MLB Zach Thomas recovered a fumble.

Even Milwaukee's passing game kicked into gear as QB Dan Marino Jr. hit Lightning on a 8-yard TD fade and Nothing but Touchdowns on a 34-yard hitch-and-go for the goal.

Milwaukee brutalizes Fargo, 35-0."

*****
"Chicago is slowly rebuilding, anchoring the team around the original Wrecking Ball offense and a quickly improving young defense. Cinci has build a solid all-around team with few stars but plenty of guts. Prognosticators picked this one to be close. They were correct.

The Wrecking Ball worked well for Chicago, touching 100 yards and 2 scores at the half. OG Tom Sanders was dominating in plowing the way.

The Chaps were forced to chip away, as CH MLB El Capone refused to give any big gains up the middle, and Chicago's "stick like glue" secondarymen, Shut Down and Sean Sharper refused to allow anything deep. But CN QB Mr. Shmallow made some key 3rd and 4th down completions, and Cinci was able to punch in a couple of scores to tie it at the half.

The second half saw more of the same, and each team managed to punch in just one more score. At the buzzer, 21-21. Bring on the kickers!

Cinci's Coach Z is a seasoned vet who nonetheless has seen little action in his ZFL career. Chicago's Little Foot has seen plenty, usually on the the losing side.

Both kickers anxiously watched the game from a remote location. Would they be called into action? Would they die if they were? When the buzzer sounded, both kicker looked at one another with a small measure of fear...and excitement.

TV crews set up cameras all over Chicago's downtown. A mini-camera was placed atop each kicker's helmet.

The contest? Fly a hanglider from atop the Sears tower. Navigate buildings and lake winds...and land on Soldier Field. Without dying. First one to Soldier wins. Good luck, men.

The two kickers, sweating bullets, leapt from the tower and took to the skies. Heavy winds at high altitude proved unpredictable, but navigating the gusts inbetween buildings in the downtown were even worse.

Though both kickers floundered and foibled their way toward Soldier, and though each took radically different routes, anticipation mounted as both streaked toward the stadium at the same time. It was going to be close. Both kickers, having braved skyscrapers and power lines, weren't going to let a little ol' stadium stop 'em now! Pedal to the medal as the two aerial acrobats streaked toward the field...

...which probably wasn't the smartest idea. Cinci's Coach Z made such a hurried descent and landing that he had to be treated for bruises and a sprain. The x-rays came back negative, however.

Little Foot didn't fare so well. A nasty lake gust took him off course, and he split the hallowed columns of Soldier Field. One of the columns shattered the hangglider's wing, and Little Foot never did make it down to the field.

Though a vendor did give him a hot dog and beer, on the house, for, in the vendor's words, "Being one crazy m%^$$&#&#*#r." Little Foot escaped the harrowing affair without injury, but also without meeting the goal. Cinci wins the contest, 24-21."

******
"Last week's success against Portland gave Little Rock fans hope in this week's game against L.A. And once again, it proved to be too close for comfort.

L.A.'s offense seemed to have this one well under control. Though the battle at the line was hard fought, HB Rodney Dangerfield had it all goin' on. LR Linebackers Denver Mills and Little Ray were catching little more than air as Dangerfield found his way through the smallest of holes and danced into the secondary for several big gains. L.A. did an excellent job of mixing in the pass as the twin tackles, Matthew McConaughey and Freddie Prinze Jr., gave QB Bernie Mac plenty of time to find favorite target Ashton Kucher. Kucher counted for 2 TDs on the day.

But Little Rock's Rajah Saleem kept the Willies in it. He sprinted past LA DT graybeard Ed Norton and...when Brad Pitt caught him he gained 2. When Brad Pitt didn't, he gained 70. How did Rajah get so much yardage in the secondary??

Three reasons. 1. Rajah is really, really good. 2. Rajah is too much a man for Mira Sorvino--the rookie CB missed two critical tackles, resulting in a pair of Rajah TDs. and 3. LR QB Johnny Rotten kept the LA secondary busy by firing rockets to WRs Carlton Bender and Bruce Spinner. If the LA secondary wasn't on like a glove, Rotten found a seam. A TD pass to Bruce Spinner, a couple of TDs by Saleem, and it started to look like LR would walk away with the upset.

But L.A., though the Star Crunch has taken some heat lately, still has some big-time playmakers. In the second half, Brad Pitt played back (again. Pitt plays better rushing the line and filling the gaps, but LA doesn't have the DTs to free him up that way), cutting off some of the short stuff. This allowed DE Toby McGwire the time he needed to get to Rotten. Toby recorded a pair of sacks and a sack of hurries in the second half, and the tide turned. Soon, Rodney Dangerfield punched in another and another score, and L.A. outlasted L.R.

The Willies almost had one there, but the Stars squeak by with a 35-28 victory."

*****
"San Antonio vs. Knoxville is a big matchup early. Knoxville needs a victory to crawl back into the title hunt, and San Antonio has to be careful where they give up their losses. Defense vs. Offense. Ready. Set. Go.

The first blow came from San Antonio as DT Aragorn stripped Leon Jackson of the ball and MLB Ray Lewis recovered. Only a few plays later, and the SA offensive line overpowerd KX for a 7-0 lead.

On the next possession, a sack by All Pro ended the drive. SA DE All Pro had 3.5 sacks in the game, but Knoxville would not be deterred.

WR Jackson Jackson took an 8-yard out for 58, and the score was suddenly 7-7.

Knoxville grabbed the lead in the second quarter when CB Deion Jackson intercepted a Dip Dipperson pass and took it back to the house. KX at the half, 14-7.

San Antonio came out of the locker room mad, and OG Lone Star pancaked the team down to the Knoxville goal line. Rookie FB Teeny punched it in, and we were tied again.

The second half saw some fantastic defensive play. Safety Godzilla Blitz crushed Luke Jackson on a crossing route, and the sure first down turned the other way. But newly adopted Pass It Somewhere Else Jackson returned the favor, and the rugby scrum turned 180 degrees.

San Antonio's offensive line wore down Knoxville, but another key INT by Deion Jasckon kept SA out of the endzone. When KX wr Jackson Jackson pulled in his second TD of the day, KX took the lead. The San Antonio drive stalled out when KX DT Josiah Jackson stopped SA HB Mutt on 4th and goal from the 3.

All Knoxville had to do was get one first down, and it was over. But on 2nd and 9, a blitzing Ray Lewis streaked through the line and got to Thumbless before the KX QB had a chance to hand it off. HB Leon Jackson watched in horror as his QB crumbled at his feet and the ball bounced away. SA rookie OLB Pops fell on it and the Margaritas were given new life.

13 seconds later, HB Mutt followed OG Lone Star to paydirt...so bring on the kickers!

Eli "You're not a Jackson" Manning looked mighty nervous sitting at the table across from Steve McLaughlin. A whole season was on the line, and McLaughlin looked mighty confident. The contest...hot pepper poppin, tongue burnin', who will sweat, who will cry, who will burn, and who will pass out first.

Each contestant was given a pile of peppers in differt heats, from jalepeno to jabenero and beyond.

McLaughlin went first...he picked up a tasty chipotle and chomped it down. Manning saw his chipotle, and raised him a New Mexico green chile.

McLaughlin laughed. The contest was his and he knew it. He toyed with Manning...slowly building the heat while Manning tried to back it down. The girls (oh, didn't you know about the cheerleaders?) taunted the combatants with dripping wet ice-cold carafes of milk, splashing in a pool of water, sipping from a fountain, and slowly licking cubes of ice. Anybody thirsty? What's the matter, big boy? Is that a little spicey for you?

When the timing was right, McLaughlin threw down a jabenero, and it was all over. Manning went screaming for the swimming pool and buried his face under the water. He won't be able to taste anything for a month.

San Antonio wins, 24-21."

*****
"But if you thought KX/SA pitted offense against defense...you ain't seen nothin' yet. Albuquerque's offense has been on a steam roll for two seasons. Near unstoppable. Birmingham's defense has been a rising tide for a couple of seasons. What happens when an unstoppable wave of offense meets an immovable defensive shoreline? Tsunami, baby.

Albuquerque got a rude awakening from BH DTs Hera and Cyclopes. The first AQ hand-off whent for -2 as Hera chrashed through for the tackle. On the second play, Sizzlack dropped back and got crushed by Cyclopes for a 6-yard sack. All day long, the AQ OGs were no match for the BH DT duo.

Sizzlack, so used to tossing the ball with time and freedom found neither time nor targets as the best D-line in football terrorized his timing and one of the best secondaries kept his receivers covered. Sizzlack enjoyed one of his worst days at QB: 13-31-159, 1 TD, 2 INTs, 6 sacks.

The Olympian offense wasn't nearly as impressive as the defense, but given good field position, OG "A.T." Another Troy paved the way for a pair of HB Roman TD plunges, and QB Zeus Reloaded hit WR Arnold Schwartzennegar for a third score.

AQ tried desperately to catch up, but the swarm of BH defensive players was overpowering. In an upset and a statement game, BH wins, 21-14."

******
Commish's recap
"What a week for defenses! San Antonio wins a big game, and with wins over Milwuakee and Knoxville, you have to think that S.A. will be playing for the title at the end of the season.

But don't count out...Birmingham? Yes, the former champs are playing like future champs with a surprising rise of defensive might! A win over AQ is HUGE, and one has to wonder how other teams will fair against the "Mount Olympus" Defense.

Meanwhile, has any player ever been so much a scapegoat as Knoxville's Eli Manning?

Next week's big matchups:
Little Rock gets a shot at AQ. Can J.R. show up Sizzlack? Okay, probably not. But after Little Rock gets some of these initial losses out of the way (their sched.: PT, LA, AQ, BH, MW...), they might go on a late-season tear.

And how about PT vs BH next week? NOW we're going to find out who the big boys are. If BH pulls off another upset, we've got to assume PT is fallible and BH is an immediate contender (who knew?). But then, PT might knock BH back down to size and reassert themselves as the team to beat.

Here's the standings (all in correct order):

SA 2-0
BH 2-0
PT 2-0
CN 2-0
LA 2-0
MW 1-1
AQ 1-1
EP 0-2
FG 0-2
CH 0-2
KX 0-2
LR 0-2

[sachmo71]

I won a game...with a kicker? WOW!!

[Coffee Warlord]

The doubting of Portland is already at hand.

We shall see.

[JeeberD]

It's gonna be a looooooooooooooong season...

[digamma]

YOU AIN't NO JACKSON, ELI!!!!!

[Swaggs]

Man. Two tough losses. Little Rock is just about to turn the corner.

[revrew]

WEEK 3 RESULTS

"Week 3 might has well be called the 'copycat' week, as many of the games looked so similar (3 contests finished with the same score). But that doesn't mean it was a week without surprises!

Let's begin with a game that offered little chance of a surprise. San Antonio (2-0) visiting Fargo (0-2).

Could the Fargo wrecking ball knock through the Margarita D-line? No. Not even close. While it's true that OG Ray and FB Ty Wick could overpower San Antonio's small, fast DTs, the Margarita Monster D collapsed so quickly, Glutton for Punishment got smothered. SA MLB Ray Lewis ensured nothing went up the middle, and DEs All Pro and Ray O. Light collapsed all the cutback lanes. Fargo's running game went no where.

The passing game fared little better. FG QB Killer was crushed by All Pro, who garnered 2.5 sacks, and threw 2 INTs, one to S Godzilla Blitz and one to MLB Ray Lewis.

With the Fargo offense unable to move the ball, San Antonio simply piled up behind that offensive line and wore down both Fargo and the clock. HB Mutt and FB Teeny combined for 3 TDs. The Fargo D put up more of a fight in the secondary, so that's all San Antonio got. Still, it was more than enough--SA, 21-0."

*****
"The San Antonio contest was only the first of 3 to finish up 21-0. The second came in Milwuakee, where the Muscle Men Defense proved way too much for El Paso.

El Paso's passing game struggled as the offensive line gave up too much ground to MW DE Rocky and blitzing OLB Superman. An INT by MW playmaker, CB Patrick Surtain, ended El Paso's only decent passing drive.

As for running, Blair Thomas and Rashaan Salaam saw little room to roam as perhaps the best linebacking crew in football, OLB Superman and MLB Zach 'Clog the Middle' Thomas, mowed down the runners before they could be called for traveling.

Meanwhile, Milwaukee runners Ricky Williams and Bulldozer each grabbed a score, and WR Nothing but Touchdowns added a third. Hence, 21-0. Milwaukee."

*****
"Portland (2-0) vs. Birmingham (2-0) pitted offense vs. defense, a big time battle. Guess what the score was?? 21-0. But this time it wasn't Birmingham's defense that showed up, but Portland's.

Now, perhaps that's a bit hasty. Birmingham did shut down the Portland passing attack as DEs Atlantis and Another Atlantis accounted for 4 sacks, and safety Odysseus hauled in an INT. And HB Lothar Dirtpounder was held to less than 100 yards and less than 3yds per carry.

But the big plays came from the Portland defenders. When DT Captain Bipto stripped BH HB Roman of the ball, OLB Zoinks McAllister picked it up. From the flat to the endzone in a flash, Zoinks accounted for 7 of the 21.

A BH QB Zeus Reloaded fumble following a Captain Bipto sack (he had 3 forced fumbles on the day) left a short field for a Portland running tuddy. Finally, a PT CB Master Hu Li INT set up a third TD. Turnovers killed the Olympians in a game that they otherwise played strong. Still, it looks ugly, Portland 21-0."

*****
"Our other three games were all close. Decided by a touchdown. None of them were supposed to be that close...but they were. Let's begin with L.A. vs. Chicago.

Both of these teams once boasted defenses worthy of championships. Both of those defenses have been struggling, perhaps none more than the league's only 40-year-old player, LA DT Ed Norton. Norton had nothing against the original wrecking ball as OG Tom Sanders and FB Josh Hackenstein bowled the way for HB Randy Steele to gobble up 208 yards and 3 TDs. LA MLB Brad Pitt was fuming mad as Josh Hackenstein slammed him out of the play again and again. Pitt had to watch as Steele smoked OLB The Real Gus and crushed CB Mira Sorvino on the way to paydirt.

The LA defense was so busy trying to stop the wrecking ball, they fell for the play action, and QB Mike Marino was able to add another TD in the air to WR Chad 'Don't call me Britney' Spears.

Brad Pitt had sympathy on the opposite sideline, however. Outstanding young Eagle MLB Ell Capone grasped little more than air today as the league's leading runner, surprise star Rodney Dangerfield galloped all over the Eagle D. Off tackles Freddie Prinze Jr and Matthew McConaughey, Dangerfield ran for 183 yards and 3 TDs. Behind guard Howard Stern, Dangerfield added another 62 yards and another TD. That's right--245 yards and 4 TDs for Dangerfield.

Though Chicago's secondary did a fine job of containing the pass, with Dangerfield running wild, their focus was distracted. This allowed WR Ashton Kucher to get the better of rookie CB Sean Sharper on a fly pattern, a 42-yard TD bomb. Offense all over the place as LA outpounds the wrecking ball, 35-28."

*****
"35-28 was also the final as Knoxville traveled to Cinci. Kicker Eli Manning was relieved he didn't have to be the goat again this game.

Cinci's defense, which has become increasingly impressive, buckled under the Knoxville attack. The balanced Cinci front couldn't stop the mighty Fort Sumter Jackson, who plowed the way for a pair of HB Leon Jackson TDs. And the Chaps had no answer for superstar WR Jackson Jackson, who added a couple of TDs of his own.

But whereas the Cinci defense played down, the Cinci offense revved up. Dip and dink, run and pass, the Chaps refuse to tip their hand and defy all tendencies. Knoxville couldn't key in on any player, nor could they seem to ever guess right. CN HB Bubs ran for 3 scores, one behind guard Stinkoman, one off sweeping guard So and So, and one off tackle The King of Town. When WR Senor Cardgage capped an 87-yard drive that saw 4 different players account for 6 first downs on 6 different plays, Cinci tied the game late, 28-28. Eli Manning was messing his drawers.

60 yards to go with only a few minutes left, KX QB Thumbless Jackson engineered a beautiful drive. Pass to JJ-Timeout. Screen to Leon Jackson, 1st down and out of bounds. Run Leon behind a sweeping Fort Sumter--Timeout. With Cinci covering the sidelines, Thumbless hit WR Luke Jackson in the middle of the field at the 8, and Luke twisted and powered his way toward the line...

he reaches out with the ball...

and CN CB The Blacksmith bats it away! CN Safety It's Dot Com! picks it up, turns, dodges KX FB Jarret Jackson and starts to go the other way!

He's at the 15, the 25, OLB Homsar throws a killer block on KX OT Lucius Jackson...and it springs It's Dot Com!

He's racing down the sideline! The 40, the 30, the 10...and the officials throw their hands in the air! Touchdown! Touchdown!

But wait.

The officials are still down at the other end of the field. They're down there with their hands in the air.

Oh....I get it. The ruling on the field is that Luke Jackson broke the plane BEFORE the fumble. Touchdown, Knoxville! It's Dot Com!'s brilliant runback doesn't count. Aw, nuts. The Rednecks win, 35-28."

*****
"And now for the week's only unique score, a one touchdown game as Albuquerque's Moe Sizzlack, still stinging after last week's loss to Birmingham, takes on the supposed 'heir apparent', Little Rock's Johnny Rotten.

To call this a contest of the quarterbacks wouldn't be fair to the running game. But it certainly would be fair to the defenses, who apparently decided to take the day off.

AQ's OT Ralph Wiggum looked very impressive today, reasserting his place among the league's elite by tossing around LR star DE L.L.JeeberD like a sack of potatoes. Behind the OT, AQ HB Guy Incognito enjoyed an excellent game, running for 125 yards and a pair. AQ FB Drederick Tatum didn't enjoy nearly as good a game with LR DT Henry Blitzen streaking in to wrassle him down, but Tatum did manage a TD of his own.

As for Little Rock's running game, there was no stopping Rajah. The Willies wisely stayed away from AQ DT Nelson 'The Hammer' Muntz, and ran off tackles Dan 'Small Daddy' Wilkerson and Keith 'Slap' Slapinski. Rajah lit it up off the edges, easily outracing even AQ OLB Kearney for 113 and 3.

But most of the game was played in the air. Both teams thought they smelled weakness in the other's passing D, and both took to it. For AQ, the usual screening attack didn't work as well, not with LR OLB Little Ray patrolling the flat, so AQ took to a vertical attack. Moe threw 43 times, and 21 of those tosses were 15+ yard attempts.

Little Rock mixed it up a bit, alternating between throwing to backs and to WR Bruce Spinner, who enjoyed a 13-catch, 186 yard day.

QB Johnny Rotten lived up to every ounce of the hype in this contest, producing an eye-popping 26-34-353, 3 TD, 1 INT game.

Unfortunately for Little Rock, though Sizzlack's efficiency was down, his targets were off and running. WR Quagmire ran loose on the much shorter LR S Ronnie Lott, Jr., averaging 32 yards per catch. Sizzlack topped 300 yards as well, but it was his 4 touchdowns that proved the difference.

No defenses here, but a thriller of a game as AQ wins a close one, 49-42."

******
Commish's recap
Congratulations on awesome days by Rodney Dangerfield (y'all better be careful, or he's going to 'run away' with the rushing title this year), Moe Sizzlack, and Johnny Rotten. On the other side of the ball, SA MLB Ray Lewis is having an incredible year.

Not a single upset this week, but next week is primed and ready for some great games: Offense vs. Offense (might it be 49-42 again?) as Knoxville and Albuquerque slug it out. Milwaukee vs. Cinci could be a statement game for either team. And how will Johnny Rotten do against the Birmingham D? Or perhaps I'm asking it the wrong way: Can even the Birmingham D stop Rajah and Rotten?

We shall see. IMPORTANT NOTE: We are about to reach the trading deadline. Once Week 4 results are posted, no more trades can be executed. At this point, the FG/BH trade has not been completed. Will MLB Troy stay an Olympian for another year?


Here's the standings (all in correct order):

SA 3-0
PT 3-0
LA 3-0
MW 2-1
BH 2-1
CN 2-1
AQ 2-1
KX 1-2
EP 0-3
FG 0-3
CH 0-3
LR 0-3

[Coffee Warlord]

Whew. I was worried about Birmingham there. Go Sea Biscuits!

[JAG]

Good stuff. If Little Rock can get a defense to team with the R&R brothers, they'd be amazing.

[korme]

Gayest. Finish. Ever.

[Swaggs]

Geez. So close...

[revrew]

Originally Posted by Shorty3281

Gayest. Finish. Ever.

I knew you'd appreciate that one!

[JeeberD]

Really, really, REALLY long season...