The Onion Thread

[Chief Rum]

Originally Posted by mckerney

New Breeding Program Aimed At Keeping Moderate Republicans From Going Extinct | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Haha this one is hilarious, several gems.

[mckerney]

[bulletsponge]

that last one is hilarious!

[Ksyrup]

Does anyone follow Literally Unbelievable? Some guy posts the best comments from people who mistake Onion article as being real on FB.

[lighthousekeeper]

[LloydLungs]

Report: Only Matter Of Time Before A 'SportsCenter' Host Snaps, Blows Brains Out On Live Television

"I'm not a bad person. I'm just doing my job, which is to talk about Tiger Woods even though he isn't very good and isn't really news. Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods. There, I did it! I was top in my class in college. I was passionate about sports. Oh, God. Oh, God. Here's Scott Van Pelt."

Just freaking tremendous.

[stevew]

Purity Of War Marred By One Bad Apple In Afghanistan | The Onion - America's Finest News Source | Onion News Network

[mckerney]

Lawyers Opposing Health Care Law Cite Kids-With-Pre-Existing-Conditions-Can-Go-Fuck-Themselves Clause | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[mckerney]

Report: Every Potential 2040 President Already Unelectable Due To Facebook

[sterlingice]

I've actually thought about that some. How many of us on this message board would be unelectable due to what we've posted? I have to think there's a good 100 posts at least you could use in context and a 1000+ out of context in my "body of work".

SI

[cartman]

Peter Jackson Opens Up About His Personal Hobbit Friends In Beginnings Of Genius Marketing Campaign Or Full-On Mental Breakdown | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[mckerney]

Bill Simmons Releases 2,000-Page Book Exploring How Fucking Clever He Is | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

BOSTON—Grantland and ESPN sports columnist Bill Simmons has written a new book titled Wit, Brilliance, Insight, Simmons, a semiautobiographical amalgam of sports, pop culture, and American history as seen through the unique lens of how goddamn ingenious Simmons is.

Wit, Brilliance, Insight, Simmons contains 2,096 pages; 84 chapters; 344 charts, tables, and graphs; 186 photographs of Simmons standing next to former Celtics players, sitcom actors, or Barack Obama; six appendices, including one explaining the book's more than 16,000 obscure but undeniably apt references; and an exhaustive index cataloguing mentions of more than 700 Boston athletes, 600 athletes from other cities or regions, and 500 television characters, as well as 6,000 mentions of Simmons himself.

"I'm extremely proud of this book, which I think I'd really have to call my life's work—or, at least, the work of my life thus far," Simmons said at a launch party sponsored by publisher McSweeney's and hosted by Malcolm Gladwell, who did not manage to find an opportunity to speak. "And it's a great book, if I do say so myself. I still think of myself as the Cousin Oliver of sportswriters, but today I feel like Dr. J in 1983."

"That's an unloved late-series Brady Bunch character and the only year Julius Irving won an NBA championship," Simmons added. "Sorry if I lost you for a second there."

Simmons, who began his career as "The Sports Guy" on AOL, broke new sportswriting ground with pieces on how sports, like , is a metaphor for life, and how fanhood when your team is winning is different from fanhood when your team is losing in the same way Diff'rent Strokes is different from Webster—while one is obviously and demonstrably superior, both are far better than nothing.

In his 14-page introduction to Wit, Brilliance, Insight, Simmons, pop culture critic Chuck Klosterman poses the question of whether Simmons is brilliant because of his decision to embrace the entirety of television while writing for people who like to watch sports on television or, indeed, in spite of it.

Simmons himself declined to address the question.

"What I really love about my writing—and believe me there's a lot I love about it—is that my love for my writing comes across in what I've written," Simmons said while signing books for party attendees, some of whom had reportedly requested the honor. "I have in any case been told it does, sometimes at its oddest moments, and that, for me, is a source of great pride. But I confess what I'm most proud of are the comparisons to the greats: Damon Runyon, Ring Lardner, David Halberstam, John McPhee, Aaron Spelling. I'm really glad I was able to make those."

"I've been blessed with an amazing career," Simmons said. "When I think of how my writing could have been the work of any number of people capable of comparing the '80s show Dynasty to the '90s Bulls dynasty, well, I feel like the luckiest smartest man alive."

[Grover]

It's funny, because it's true.

[albionmoonlight]

Simmons, more than any other entertainer for me, embodies the largest discrepancy between "guy whose product I find pretty entertaining" and "person with whom I would most hate to interact on an interpersonal level."

[molson]

I read that entire preposterous obnoxious basketball book and I enjoyed every word. Maybe I need to expand my horizons but I find all other sportswriters boring and kind of the same (and just as arrogant, though in a lower-key "I'm witty!" way). I like the onion article too though.

[britrock88]

God, that article is perfect. It's taken everything in me not to read The Basketball Book, because I know I'd learn everything I ever wanted to about the ABA/NBA years, but he's the last person I want to hear it from.

[Chief Rum]

Originally Posted by britrock88

God, that article is perfect. It's taken everything in me not to read The Basketball Book, because I know I'd learn everything I ever wanted to about the ABA/NBA years, but he's the last person I want to hear it from.

I am very much the same way. I'll see it in the book store and think, man, there's probably lots of cool stuff in there. But then I hear Simmons' voice in my head reading the book to me, and I just can't do it.

[Radii]

Originally Posted by molson

I read that entire preposterous obnoxious basketball book and I enjoyed every word... I like the onion article too though.

Agree on both counts.

[gstelmack]

Originally Posted by Chief Rum

But then I hear Simmons' voice in my head reading the book to me

I don't listen to podcasts or watch ESPN, so this wouldn't be a problem for me...

[Swaggs]

Count me as another who is a both a huge fan of his writing, but finds him annoying.

Lupica is still ten million times worse, because he writes in the same style but tries much harder to be funny.

[Simbo Klice]

I think everyone who's been reading Simmons for long enough is basically at that point. He's still great, but it's gone to his head and that shines through every once in a while and makes you think "What an ass."

[Chief Rum]

Originally Posted by gstelmack

I don't listen to podcasts or watch ESPN, so this wouldn't be a problem for me...

Won't help. You'll create your own annoying and grating voice for him. It may sound nothing like him, but it won't matter, you'll still hate it.

[sterlingice]

Originally Posted by britrock88

God, that article is perfect. It's taken everything in me not to read The Basketball Book, because I know I'd learn everything I ever wanted to about the ABA/NBA years, but he's the last person I want to hear it from.

Exactly- he knows his stuff and can articulate it in a clear and entertaining fashion. But he can't stay on topic at all without devolving into some stupid inside joke or pop culture reference .

Look at a random trade value column from a few years ago:
Simmons: True value - ESPN Page 2

He has 2 or 3 tv references in the entire article. Now see what he does now...

SI

[gstelmack]

Originally Posted by sterlingice

He has 2 or 3 tv references in the entire article. Now see what he does now...

Has he actually WRITTEN anything lately? I check out Grantland periodically, and all he usually has are podcasts, most of the writing comes from others. I think he did a mailbag a few weeks back, maybe.

[cartman]

Keith Richards' Housekeeper Has Braced Herself For Finding Dead Body Every Morning Since 1976 | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[larrymcg421]

Wendy's Wants Consumers To Know It's Fine With Gays, Disapproves Of Interracial Marriage | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Destined to provide some great material for Literally Unbelievable

[britrock88]

My mind goes back to when I pulled up the below article in class one day. Pretty embarrassing.

Poll Finds Majority Of Male Voters Would Have Elected Naked Woman

(NSFW, obv.)

[larrymcg421]

Dying Lion Sure Doesn't Feel As Though He's Completing Some Great Cosmic Circle | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[stevew]

Originally Posted by larrymcg421

Wendy's Wants Consumers To Know It's Fine With Gays, Disapproves Of Interracial Marriage | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Destined to provide some great material for Literally Unbelievable

My favorite one in forever.

[larrymcg421]

Already providing pure gold....

[mckerney]

Fans Of Watching Teenage Girls Cry Excited For Olympic Gymnastics Finals | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[larrymcg421]

More awesomeness:

[mckerney]

'Romney Murdered JonBenét Ramsey,' New Obama Campaign Ad Alleges

[PilotMan]

After A String Of Accidents, U-Haul Announces Closure Of Aircraft Division

[Ksyrup]

Future Olympic Star Hard At Work On Her Backstory | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

ALBANY, GA—By the conclusion of the 2012 London Games last Sunday, promising 12-year-old gymnast Alexandra Davids had already begun working diligently on an inspiring personal backstory for the 2016 Olympics in Rio de Janeiro. "I'll have to get cut from a team at some point or maybe fall just short at a really important competition," said Davids, who added that temporarily living in a homeless shelter or surviving a school shooting could provide a background that would make her story more touching. "If I could suffer some sort of serious injury and have doctors tell me I'll never be able to compete again, that'd be perfect. Basically anything where I can capture the hearts and minds of the entire nation by defying the odds to win." Davids confirmed that, while she in no way hopes for it to happen, having one of her parents die unexpectedly right before the Olympics "certainly couldn't hurt."

[mckerney]

It Would Be An Honor To Serve My Country, Return With PTSD, Sit On A Mental Health Care Waitlist, Then Kill Myself | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Ever since I was a kid I dreamed of joining the Army. So as soon as I could, I went down to my local recruiter and enlisted, knowing full well that I'd probably be sent to Afghanistan. Now, with my first deployment less than a week away, there's only one thing on my mind: how incredibly proud I'll be to fight for my country, experience crippling psychological trauma, wait indefinitely for the proper health care, and then eventually become so depressed and mentally ill that I commit suicide.

It's what I've always known I was born to do.

It's a matter of principle, really. From a young age I was taught that throughout our history, Americans have had to stand up and fight for the freedoms we enjoy. I always knew that when the time came, I would serve with honor and nobly suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder until my only recourse was to end my own life. So it's with eager anticipation that I head off to the battlefield to defend, be ignored by, and then—left all alone, with my personal demons closing in—kill myself for the land I love so dearly.

Honestly, it would be my distinct pleasure and privilege to not get the medical help I need for injuries suffered while risking my life for my country.

That's why we take the oath, isn't it? To do our jobs with humility and valor, and to come home haunted by visions of our commanding officer, who promised he'd bring everyone back alive, being blown to bits by a cleverly disguised roadside bomb? In my mind it doesn't matter what unspeakable horrors I witness, I'll just be grateful for the privilege of having to wait at least six months to see a VA psychologist and in the interim turn toward alcoholism and drug addiction until I decide the only path to relief is putting a bullet in my head.

I know no greater honor than relying on an agency with a backlog of more than half a million claims that can't get its shit together enough to transfer its paper files to a central computer.

HOO-ah!

I'm reminded of all the patriotic men and women who came before me. Those who had the chance to accidentally breathe Agent Orange in Vietnam and never get a proper diagnosis, only to become estranged from society, spiral downward into homelessness, and eventually freeze to death in an alley alone. And let's not forget the thousands who nobly returned from Desert Storm with a mysterious illness the Army never fully admitted or identified the cause of, a syndrome resulting in chronic pain that prevented so many from ever being able to hold down a steady job.

Knowing about the care they deserved but didn't receive fills me with great pride for my country. And it would be a true honor—this soldier's duty, really—to follow in their footsteps.

But let's remember that behind every soldier are the loved ones whose sacrifices are no less important. You'd better believe I'm looking forward to coming back from war and having to drink a fifth of Jack Daniel's every night just to fall asleep, and even then having nightmares so powerful my wife has to shake me awake. Lying in bed racked with anxiety, she'll no doubt see her husband as a hero whose untreated illness puts her at constant risk of being physically harmed.

And to see the look on my child's face as he watches his own father, fresh off the battlefield, crying in a fetal position in the corner of his living room because he can't get the help he needs, even though he's been calling doctors for three straight months—tell me, is there any feeling greater than that? I don't think there is.

So when I finally can't take it any longer and decide to check into a hotel to end my own life, please know that I have but one simple request: My agonizing struggle and tragically preventable death should be the last thing on anyone's mind. Because the only thing that's important for someone like me, who will be dedicating his life to serving his country, is that my government lets me waste away until I become a shell of my former self.

That's what being an American soldier is all about.

[cartman]

Damn, I love The Onion.

BREAKING: Bill Clinton Finally Just Shows America His Penis | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[Rizon]

Oh, the Onion done did it today ....

Still amazing that people subscribe to the Onion, yet get offended.

[sterlingice]

Wow- I was not expecting that when I went to their front page (very NSFW)

SI

[M GO BLUE!!!]

Well, can't sent that one to mom.

[cartman]

Originally Posted by M GO BLUE!!!

Well, can't sent that one to mom.

My mom sent it to me

[stevew]

Hilarious

The image of the Hebrew prophet Moses high-fiving Jesus Christ as both are having their erect penises vigorously masturbated by Ganesha, all while the Hindu deity anally penetrates Buddha with his fist, reportedly went online at 6:45 p.m. EDT yesterday, after which not a single bomb threat was made against the organization responsible, nor did the person who created the cartoon go home fearing for his life in any way.

[cartman]

Stephen A. Smith evidently had never heard of The Onion.

Stephen A. Smith Thought An Article About Him In The Onion Was Real

[SackAttack]

How meta would it be if that were an Onion article about Stephen A. Smith thinking an Onion article about him were real?

[mckerney]

Redskins Fans Can't Remember How To Cheer A Quarterback | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[Ksyrup]

Nick Jr. Suspends Production On 'The Almighty Muhammad's Porkalicious Toon Jihad' | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[Chief Rum]

Originally Posted by Ksyrup

Nick Jr. Suspends Production On 'The Almighty Muhammad's Porkalicious Toon Jihad' | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

This is great. I love that Muhammad was to have crazy adventures with his best friend, the pig Abrahammy.

[mckerney]

Iran news agency picks up "Onion" story, tells Iranians rural Americans prefer Ahmadinejad to Obama - CBS News

The English-language website of the Fars news agency appears to have been duped by a spoof story by "The Onion", which claimed that a recent poll had found an "overwhelming majority of rural white Americans" would rather vote for Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad than President Obama.

The story only appeared on the English site of Fars - which, like all other Iranian news organizations, is controlled strictly by the Islamic cleric-led government.

[cartman]

Biden Implores Obama To 'Rub One Out' Before Debate | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[cartman]

Mitt Romney Adopts New ‘Ronnie Ferocious’ Persona For Debates | The Onion - America's Finest News Source