05-10-2012, 03:29 PM | #1 | ||
Coordinator
Join Date: Oct 2000
|
Adoption
My wife and I are getting ready to start the process. The information out there is a little overwhelming. Any FOFCers have tips or things I should be aware of before starting this?
|
||
05-10-2012, 03:37 PM | #2 |
Hall Of Famer
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Newburgh, NY
|
I've done Chinese adoption. I'd be happy to talk if you want.
__________________
To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.. - Mr. Rogers |
05-10-2012, 03:47 PM | #3 |
College Starter
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: Roseville, CA
|
Congrats. It's a great thing to bring in a child or children that need a home and give them the love and guidance that they need.
My wife and I started the process last year and the one thing I would say you need is patience. The process has been going on for about 7 months now. We first had to attend training that included foster parents. The training was to make you aware of the requirements and to give each parent information about where to get help when you need it. For Georgia, and I would imagine for other states as well, adoptive parents are the same as foster parents for the first 4-6 months in that the children are still wards of the state, so you have to follow their rules on different things, including discipline. Your parenting style may match what they offer, so it may not mater, but it's something to be aware of. Get ready to write a lot, research your family quite a bit, and to have counselors over often, especially once the children are placed. We've met with our counselor 3 or 4 times to gather the information necessary for her to write up the study to submit to the state. Once that's approved, then we start the process of seeing which kids fit with our family. And finally, be ready to be heartbroken at some of the stories you'll hear and when you find children that you would like to adopt and it doesn't work out for whatever reason. There were a couple of kids that we've met at different events that we were ready to adopt on the spot that we couldn't due to the process being delayed longer than we expected. And it just tears your heart out knowing what some of these kids have been through. One more thing, don't close yourself off to the children. My wife and I were certain we didn't want to bring in any children that had been sexually abused. But the kids I mentioned earlier had been and with the love and caring of their foster parent, they were nothing like what we expected. Sure, they have their bad days, but it's not as bad as we thought it would be. Good luck. I hope you're able to find children who work out for your family. If you ever want to talk about it any, feel free to drop me a line. Right now, I'm just trying to stay patient and get out of this holding pattern we've been in. |
05-10-2012, 03:54 PM | #4 | |
Morgado's Favorite Forum Fascist
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Greensboro, NC
|
Quote:
I'm sure the folks with whom you work will tell you this more delicately, but supply and demand is a major factor in adoptions. Healthy white infants where the birth mother wants to cut all ties are typically in highest demand and shortest supply, so as a result, the more open you are to options like non-infants, different races, open-ness (i.e. birth parent has contact with you and the child), and special needs, the more likely it is that you'll have a child more quickly.
__________________
The media don't understand the kinds of problems and pressures 54 million come wit'! |
|
05-10-2012, 04:01 PM | #5 |
General Manager
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: The Mountains
|
I don't have any knowledge to give advice, but I happened to attend a family law CLE training yesterday and I was blown away by some of the lengths those adoption attorneys go for their clients. They know their stuff, they're aggressive, and very passionate. I don't know if hiring a lawyer is an automatic thing for every adopter, but if it isn't, it's definitely something that should be considered, even when there's an agency involved (and adopters should go with a dedicated family law/adoption attorney, as opposed to a general practitioner that does some adoptions on the side.)
Last edited by molson : 05-10-2012 at 04:02 PM. |
05-10-2012, 04:06 PM | #6 | |
Coordinator
Join Date: Oct 2000
|
Quote:
That's already one of the things I talked about with my wife when we were deciding. We need wide limits, not narrow ones. That means different races, different ages, not picking a gender, etc. The more limiting we are, the longer it will take us to get a child. |
|
05-10-2012, 04:08 PM | #7 |
Head Coach
Join Date: Dec 2009
|
a friend of mine told me years ago that the US adoption process was horrible and that in the end the original parents could always go back and claim their child or something afterwards. Then again he was known to be full of shit a lot. So I don't know. What he did do was go to Kazikstan and adopt a child.
Cost a shitload of money to do that and I never really understood it. |
05-10-2012, 04:12 PM | #8 | |
College Starter
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: Roseville, CA
|
Quote:
From what we were told, while there are some children that have parents that have not given up their rights, most that are up for adoption have had the parental rights terminated, either voluntarily or by the courts. Also, the counselors try to place the children with family first. They try whatever they can to keep the families together |
|
05-10-2012, 04:18 PM | #9 |
Coordinator
Join Date: Sep 2003
|
I think it is a great thing that you and your wife are doing.
__________________
Why choose failure when success is an option? |
05-10-2012, 04:22 PM | #10 |
Hall Of Famer
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Behind Enemy Lines in Athens, GA
|
"iwife"? Is that like where you're only married to her online but to somebody else IRL? --- As for the actual topic, what little I know says if you're going foreign then anticipate major $$$, from legit costs to bribes (have a friend going through that deal right now). And if you're staying domestic then anticipate even more considerable delays, hoops, twists and turns. The best advice might be the first thing someone said: bring a truckload of patience. I wish you & your wife luck, success, and happiness with the effort.
__________________
"I lit another cigarette. Unless I specifically inform you to the contrary, I am always lighting another cigarette." - from a novel by Martin Amis |
05-10-2012, 04:42 PM | #11 |
High School Varsity
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Boston, Ma
|
I have adopted twice from Russia. I'd be happy to chat with you.
Research domestic and international. Both have pros and cons. Be skeptical anytime someone tells you "this is how it is". Every adoption is unique. The choice of agency matters a great deal but 2 adoptions through the same agency can be a very different experience. At some point, it becomes a leap of faith. You gather as much info as you can then you just need to jump. It will surely be a long and grueling journey. The end will come even if some days it feels like it will never end. The reward at the end is priceless and all the hard work fades into the past. One piece of advice: Find a Notary Public now. This should be someone that you can call on to notarize documents at a moments notice. If you don't know someone that you can lean on, get someone to apply to become a notary public. |
05-10-2012, 04:52 PM | #12 |
Coordinator
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Not too far away
|
Has anyone done any foster parenting?
|
05-10-2012, 04:57 PM | #13 |
General Manager
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Chicago
|
My wife and I went the domestic adoption route. Our desire was to have a child as close to the date of birth as possible, which seemed more feasible with domestic than international.
Definitely get an attorney. State law is different everywhere, otherwise I would recommend the one we have. Definitely look at multiple agencies. I think we looked at 3-4 different ones before deciding on the one for us. It took us about a year once we had completed the paperwork for the agency we selected. The first family we met indicated they wanted to go ahead with having us adopt their soon-to-be-born child, but had a change of heart (official adoption-speak term) about a week later. Tough pill, although it doesn't even register compared to some of the other scenarios that could have unfolded. The second placement - and by placement I mean getting a call to come to the hospital - resulted in meeting our two day old daughter. No complications at all that time around. She will be turning five next week. Would love to talk all about her, but don't want to derail the primary information-gathering focus of the thread. |
05-10-2012, 05:08 PM | #14 |
Morgado's Favorite Forum Fascist
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Greensboro, NC
|
Laws vary from state to state, but I'm fairly certain that's not true anywhere in the U.S. When we were in Georgia, there was a 10-day "change your mind" period after parental rights were terminated. In other words, if the birth mother signed her parental rights on May 1st, she had until May 11th to reverse that decision and reclaim the baby. After that, no dice. As a result, the common practice at my wife's agency was to get the baby from the hospital, take it to a foster home for 10 days, then take it to the birth family when the revocation of parental rights became irreversible. That way the adoptive parents weren't exposed to the risk of having 9 days with the child and then having it snatched away. (I knew a fellow YL staffer who used a different agency, had a baby in their home, and had it reclaimed by the birth mother on day 9. That was just AWFUL.) Anyway, my wife doesn't work directly with birth parents any longer, so I don't know how things work in SC for sure, but my understanding is that they have a similar relatively short change-your-mind period.
__________________
The media don't understand the kinds of problems and pressures 54 million come wit'! |
05-10-2012, 05:18 PM | #15 | |
High School Varsity
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Boston, Ma
|
Quote:
|
|
05-10-2012, 05:31 PM | #16 |
Morgado's Favorite Forum Fascist
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Greensboro, NC
|
Ah, that's a good bit. At my wife's agency, all the social workers were notaries, which allowed them to notarize stuff for one another's clients. Also, fwiw, some banks offer free notary services to account holders. (Ours does.)
__________________
The media don't understand the kinds of problems and pressures 54 million come wit'! |
05-10-2012, 07:02 PM | #17 | |||
Favored Bitch #2
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Here
|
Quote:
+1
__________________
Quote:
Quote:
|
|||
05-10-2012, 08:24 PM | #18 | |
College Benchwarmer
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Edmonton, AB
|
Quote:
God bless you and your wife and I wish you all the best. I was adopted as a baby and have all the respect in the world for my folks along with people like yourselves. Last edited by johnnyshaka : 05-10-2012 at 08:28 PM. |
|
05-10-2012, 08:37 PM | #19 | |
Head Coach
Join Date: Dec 2009
|
Quote:
Very good policy about the foster home thing. I'm guessing what my friend was describing was something like that. |
|
05-10-2012, 09:28 PM | #20 | |
Favored Bitch #1
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: homeless in NJ
|
Quote:
+1 If you ever want to know what it was like for an adopted child drop me a PM. IMO I would stay away from an open adoption. I would think that can be very confusing for a child or teen. For all intents and purposes you will be that childs parents, I see no reason to allow the biological parents involved. I know for me my parents are everybit as much my parents as anyone elses, for there to be some birth mother dropping in keeping tabs on me would likely have been very confusing and created an awkward dynamic. |
|
05-10-2012, 09:45 PM | #21 |
Hall Of Famer
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Mays Landing, NJ USA
|
Wish you the best and I'll stop at that as I know absolutely nothing about that process so I have nothing to add that can help but I wish you and your wife the best with the process.
|
05-10-2012, 10:36 PM | #22 | |
Hall Of Famer
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Newburgh, NY
|
Quote:
I can't tell you how happy I am that things worked out for you and your family.
__________________
To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.. - Mr. Rogers |
|
05-11-2012, 06:32 AM | #23 |
Mascot
Join Date: Nov 2006
|
Keep track of every adoption related expense including gas, notary fees, whatever. These are tax credits and carry over from year to year until you can take all of them (unless this changed when we changed presidents).
A special needs child carries a set, quite large tax credit. We didn't know at the time, but it ended up the govt paid us to adopt our daughter. Not sure on the specifics of special needs, if it includes non-white children (which are sometimes termed special needs) or has to be a medical condition. |
05-11-2012, 09:01 AM | #24 | |
General Manager
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Chicago
|
Quote:
Thanks. I still have the PM messages that you sent me back when things had gone south on the medical front. In hindsight, the advice was exactly what I needed to hear at that time. It probably did nudge me in the direction of adoption a little faster than I would have had you not reached out. Hopefully Troy is able to find people - whether here or through other channels - who can help him along the way with his adoption process. |
|
05-11-2012, 04:46 PM | #25 |
Coordinator
Join Date: Oct 2000
|
Thanks to everyone. I appreciate the stories, comments and tips.
I think we are going to go get a very good adoption attorney to sit down with. We want to go over all of the options and make sure we go into this the right way. The more I think about it, the more I want to get a child who is not an infant. (a 2 or 3 year old). I'm older and this process might take awhile. I also really want to help a kid who may have had a rough beginning. I know that might make it harder, but I am ok with that. I'll keep everyone posted on the progress as we move forward. I'm sure I will be IM'ing some of you guys for advice and help as I go through this. Thanks again guys. |
05-11-2012, 10:15 PM | #26 | |
Hall Of Famer
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Newburgh, NY
|
Quote:
Good luck. There will be a lot of frustrations along the way, but it will all be worth it. I can't imagine life without my daughter.
__________________
To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.. - Mr. Rogers |
|
05-11-2012, 10:16 PM | #27 | |
Hall Of Famer
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Newburgh, NY
|
Quote:
I've still got those messages as well. Glad I could help.
__________________
To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.. - Mr. Rogers |
|
05-12-2012, 02:30 AM | #28 |
H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Missouri
|
Great to hear TroyF! There are 147 million orphans in the world and all deserving of a home.
We have adopted two internationally and are adopting two domestically at the present. I look around at my children and can't believe they are mine. I can say both international and domestic adoptions will have their own unique challenges, but in the end, what a blessing! It will be a long journey that seems difficult and frustrating at the time, but when your child is home those badges of honor will seem tiny in comparison to the true blessing he/she will bring. I remember with each adoption the paperwork/process seemed overwhelming as well, but it all takes care of itself one document/meeting at a time. I look at my kids now and think, "I would move a mountain for you one shovel at a time". If your heart is in it, don't be discouraged by any setbacks, or paper mountains. Good luck and God bless you!
__________________
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." |
05-12-2012, 10:26 AM | #29 |
SI Games
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Melbourne, FL
|
Fantastic stuff - I think adoption is a fantastic route to parenthood myself, best of luck
(no actual useful advice available I'm afraid - just wanted to offer a word of encouragement) |
05-12-2012, 10:41 AM | #30 |
Coordinator
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: The Black Hole
|
I'm adopted. Unfortunately, I've got some potent sperm so I haven't had to adopt. From the other side of things, your kids will definitely know that they are loved. There is no doubt when you're adopted that you will be loved (not saying anything bad about those who may be "accidents" (hey two of our kids were "accidents" and they're loved)).
|
05-13-2012, 06:19 AM | #31 |
Pro Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Toledo - Spain
|
Big congrats on going for it.
When we lost our first baby and were not sure if we could have any healthy one, we also looked into adopting but at the end we gmbled by ourselves again and it went fine so we didn't advance much more on the adopting process. We have a friend who adopted a 5 months old kid from Vietnam and it was a long (and expensive) process, almost 3 years, but for them it was worth every € and minute expended and they are a very happy family now. Of course this was from Spain, I have no idea about how it is in USA. I guess you will go through a long path with high and lows, but have patience and fight for your dreams, they will come true.
__________________
|
05-13-2012, 07:47 AM | #32 |
FOFC Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Wentzville, MO
|
Best of luck, Troy. My wife and I talked about adopting as early as next year if we couldn't have children "soon" (our first born is due in late June/early July now, though).
Adoption is still an option for us down the road. I foresee us adopting at least once.
__________________
Cheer for a walk on quarterback! Ardent leads the Vols in the dynasty forum. |
Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests) | |
Thread Tools | |
|
|