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Old 10-08-2022, 11:05 AM   #1001
Ksyrup
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I was going to post this in the Random Thoughts thread but I think it kinda fits here.

I've never been scared of death. I don't want to die, of course, but it's gonna happen so I make jokes about it all the time. It pisses my wife off. I tell her I talk about dying all the time so when I actually die, she can tell people I had a premonition I was going to die (even though I routinely talk about it - one of these days, it's gonna pay off!).

Anyway, as I get older, I think the thing I'm most scared of is getting old. My parents and wife's parents are 73-80 and I don't want to be them. I don't want the physical limitations, I don't want to be so slow at everything, I don't want to be out of touch (even more than I am), unaware, or just downright clueless. I don't want to be constantly afraid and/or angry. I see all of this not just in our parents but many older people. I tell my kids all the time, "If I do X or I can't do Y, you have my permission to kill me." I'm only half-joking...

What got me thinking of this in particular this morning was something really minor - my mom texted me asking if I'd ever heard of Lamb of God and their new album Omens, wondering if they were a Christian band. Now, anyone who listens to metal - and probably many who don't but know of them - would likely know they are far from Christian and in fact chose that name for that reason. And that their original name was Burn the Priest. And yeah, when I'm 75, I'm not going to be up in the latest culture trend or artist or whatever, but that just struck me as so... I don't know, sad? It's also because she's very religious and was probably straining to find anything that remotely mimicked her views (she talks about omens all the time).

Anyway, I hope I die before I get to that point. I'm more concerned with delaying that decline while living rather than dying itself.
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Old 10-08-2022, 11:18 AM   #1002
BYU 14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ksyrup View Post
I was going to post this in the Random Thoughts thread but I think it kinda fits here.

I've never been scared of death. I don't want to die, of course, but it's gonna happen so I make jokes about it all the time. It pisses my wife off. I tell her I talk about dying all the time so when I actually die, she can tell people I had a premonition I was going to die (even though I routinely talk about it - one of these days, it's gonna pay off!).

Anyway, as I get older, I think the thing I'm most scared of is getting old. My parents and wife's parents are 73-80 and I don't want to be them. I don't want the physical limitations, I don't want to be so slow at everything, I don't want to be out of touch (even more than I am), unaware, or just downright clueless. I don't want to be constantly afraid and/or angry. I see all of this not just in our parents but many older people. I tell my kids all the time, "If I do X or I can't do Y, you have my permission to kill me." I'm only half-joking...

What got me thinking of this in particular this morning was something really minor - my mom texted me asking if I'd ever heard of Lamb of God and their new album Omens, wondering if they were a Christian band. Now, anyone who listens to metal - and probably many who don't but know of them - would likely know they are far from Christian and in fact chose that name for that reason. And that their original name was Burn the Priest. And yeah, when I'm 75, I'm not going to be up in the latest culture trend or artist or whatever, but that just struck me as so... I don't know, sad? It's also because she's very religious and was probably straining to find anything that remotely mimicked her views (she talks about omens all the time).

Anyway, I hope I die before I get to that point. I'm more concerned with delaying that decline while living rather than dying itself.

I identify with you on the getting old part. 60 is right in my face and though I am in good shape and feel good, that reality that I have a lot more days behind me than in front is sobering sometimes. I worry about stupid shit too, like not being able to defend myself as I get older as an example, because I have always been able too. But I haven't even been in a fight in 20 years, have trained in multiple combat sports and still look like I can take care of myself, so it seems like such a stupid thing to think about. Especially when I never look for drama and treat people with respect. Shrug.

On a side note related to Lamb of God, I asked some of our players during a film session the other day if they knew the following players

Eric Dickerson - No
Walter Payton - All but 1, no
Barry Sanders - Yes (Yay)
Emmit Smith - No
John Riggins - No



Different times, but as a kid I knew who Bronko Nagurski, Ernie Nevers, Red Grange and Jim Thorpe were even though they all wore leather helmets. I was so disappointed LOL
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Old 01-02-2023, 03:20 PM   #1003
flere-imsaho
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I mentioned this elsewhere, but this Christmas we drove out to Maine to spend time the holiday with my family. Usually I just fly out with my two boys which works out well since my wife (and thus boys) are Jewish and we don't celebrate Christmas in the house, plus my wife is allergic to cats, and my parents have cats, so when we visit with her, we have to rent hotel rooms or a house, whereas if I go with my boys we can stay with my folks.

Anyway, this year we packed everyone (including the dog) in the car and drove out. Here's the reason why.

My Dad has Alzheimer's. He's 78. He retired 10 years ago and got his first diagnosis of Mild Cognitive Impairment 5 years ago. It was upgraded to Alzheimer's earlier this year.

In general when we've visited for family gatherings you don't notice much, since there's always a lot going on and you might notice some forgetfulness, but it never seemed like a big deal. Of course, what my Mom describes on a day-to-day basis is pretty bad.

In September I went out there to help them for 2 weeks after my Mom had knee replacement surgery. Staying with them, and just them, for 2 weeks gave me the up close and personal view of his condition, and it is not good. It was 2 of the most exhausting and anxiety-driven weeks of my life and took me a month after coming back before I could even talk to my wife about what it was like.

So, anyway, we all went there for Christmas this year since this is quite possibly the last Christmas where he'll remember who everyone is (although he forgot who people were, immediate family members, anyway, so we might be past it).

I am helping my Mom with legal and financial preparations. Luckily (ugh) my wife went through something similar when both of her parents died in 2021 (one to a different form of dementia, one to an autoimmune disease, it's been a really rough last few years for us), so I'm not starting from scratch and with the help of lawyers and accountants we have everything set up at this point.

I don't know where I was going with this, but guess I just wanted to share/vent. It's a terrible disease and it's going to be another shitty year from this perspective, especially as I think this will be the year that my father basically disappears, and is replaced by a blank shell who is not my father.
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Old 01-02-2023, 04:02 PM   #1004
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That's a really tough one flere. I watched my grandfather decline and I agree with you it's just a terrible disease. You guys are doing the right thing with all the prep. It just sucks.
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Old 01-27-2023, 09:19 PM   #1005
JonInMiddleGA
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Just sort of ... not venting really. Putting words into air maybe?

Depression sure creates some interesting conundrums. I'm self-aware to almost a fault perhaps but I'd have to be blind to not recognize most of my tells.

I've only left the house for a single banking errand and to reload my Pall Mall supply when it gets low over the past 12 days. I don't wanna leave the basement for anything more than absolute have to. I'm hungry but have no real interest in eating, certainly no desire to expend more than the bare minimum effort to do so. I literally couldn't tell you the last time I shaved. It's almost phyiscally painful to grace the main floor with my presence just for the sake of the cats mental health. My sleep pattern is almost fully reversed (currently asleep by noon, up by 4 or 5p, nap a couple hours around midnight, repeat).

Where that gets interesting, or something, is this.

I sorta had the "oh shit, you are NOT doing the stuff to control this that you did previously" epiphany a couple nights ago. Stuff like consistently making myself at least do a dine-in meal somewhere every few days. I don't require a lot of socialization but if I don't even have server interaction stuff occasionally, I do get increasingly squirrely.

Thing is, I haven't been able to make myself do anything differently since that light bulb went on. Now I have kinda tried a couple times, circumstances (like a closed restaurant and another that was just on a nope, not my thing, menu day) stopped those.

Some degree of this is pretty normal for me. I've done it much the same every time the kid departs for school in the past six years. What nags me currently is not being able to identify how much is that and how much is "everything else". It's usually a 2-3 day thing, not a 2 week thing.

I'm sure I'm feeling the ... pressure (for lack of a more accurate word) of this kind of being the official start of my "I've got to figure out how to be just a "me" instead of a "we" stage. Will's presence sort of put that on hiatus, created a sabbatical of sorts for dealing with the entirely personal aspects of the new situation.

I suspect I ain't facing that prospect very well atm. And that annoys me.

Don't misunderstand, I do give myself a ton of leeway for being imperfect in all of this stuff. One of the few things I believe I've done well above average with is not beating myself up for being down, for malaise, so forth. I'm not really beating myself up now even, not nearly so much as I am just ... annoyed with myself / with my depression.

I've got to get a handle on this better, last thing anybody needs is for me to get any MORE squirrely. And, I imagine, I eventually will ... I'd just kinda like eventually to come the fuck on already.
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Old 01-27-2023, 10:00 PM   #1006
Lathum
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Jon- If you ever need to talk to another human DM me here or on facebook for my number and we can chat about mundane shit like fast food, metal bands, or college football...
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Old 01-27-2023, 10:44 PM   #1007
JonInMiddleGA
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lathum View Post
Jon- If you ever need to talk to another human DM me here or on facebook for my number and we can chat about mundane shit like fast food, metal bands, or college football...

I appreciate it.
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Old 01-28-2023, 12:59 PM   #1008
flere-imsaho
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If a prolonged back-and-forth argument about politics is what you need, Jon, I'll be here whenever you need it.

In all seriousness, though, sounds like the epiphany was a good step. But the next step doesn't have to come right away. Like the epiphany, it'll come when it's time.
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Old 02-21-2023, 07:15 PM   #1009
JonInMiddleGA
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Long ass fucking post to my social media, reposting here. Apologies to those who get stuck with it twice.

----

Quote:
First, PLEASE nobody get worked up about this. I'm fine (enough) and/or will be. It's my wall, I'm just trying to vent my brain a little. Maybe it'll cut down on how today is rattling around in my head. It'll be long, and I'm gonna ramble, and I don't blame a soul if they just skip it. It's just me doing a little self-therapy in public.

I've gotten well acquainted with any number of things about grief in the past year so I feel like I've had enough time to form an opinion or two. And IMO, one of the toughest aspects is when you get triggered by something stupid.
Yeah yeah, I know, "nothing is stupid cause it's just how you feel". That's fine enough but that means I'm entitled to feel like something IS kinda stupid or at least ... trivial. Trivial enough that it really "shouldn't" be a trigger. And yet ...

Look, I'm just gonna tell this like it was, my apologies if I somehow unintentionally trigger anyone else. I don't mean to at all but I'm too aware of just how little of something it can take. I just don't know any way to get across how stupid this feels without the details.

I saw some fantastic news today about someone kicking cancer's butt. And that's always going to fill me with joy. It did today too, to actual happy tears even, for someone that I really don't even know.

And then I got bit by the stupid.

As I began to scroll on past the post one of the pics attached to the fantastic news, not even really looking at the pics to be honest, caught my eye. Or rather, what caught my eye was the base & wheels of the little pump contraption thing they use to administer chemo.

And without even seeing the rest of the picture or the contraption itself, I knew what those wheels were attached to. I mean, I _knew_. Like you know your own face in a mirror kinda know. I don't know if they're unique somehow or what, but apparently they're hardwired somewhere in the back of my brain.

And it broke me. Like I hadn't been broken in months. Waves of familiar emotions and a new one or too just as an added "bonus". By some stupid wheels that are probably supergeneric medical supply Part #123478-W.

That set the tone for my day which ended up with me getting allllll wound up over something related only by a winding tangent. (and those who've seen me get "wound up" know that ain't ever pretty) And then it took my stupid ass the better part of 8 hours for the light bulb to go on and realize "Oh. Wait. I'm not actually worked up about Thing X .... I'm worked up about recognizing those damned wheels, and how stupid it is for them to have knocked me on my ass"

Lemme parse this down here a second. I don't feel stupid (I don't think).
I feel more .. frustrated I guess ... . by the ability of minor trivial stuff (aka "stupid stuff") to create such havoc. I'n not the stupid, those wheels are.
They were just wheels. I know that intellectually, I'm even telling myself that emotionally. But if you showed 'em to me again tomorrow, I suspect it'd do it to me again.

And that, friends and loved ones, is why I really really hate this particular tiny little sliver of the whole grief process: cause stupid stuff is everywhere. And that makes it pretty hard to not feel like you're standing atop a long icy hill in ill-fitting slick bottom shoes, you're never really more than a little bobble away from sliding down the hill. And keeping your balance can get exhausting after a while.

Vent over. I love y'all, I appreciate y'all, and I'll be fine. I just needed to get some of the stuff in my head somewhere else to rattle around. Who knows, it might even work.
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Old 02-21-2023, 07:43 PM   #1010
RainMaker
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I'm sorry you're going through this Jon. For me, it was smells that would trigger emotions. I even took a different route to the train station for a while because I would pass this Italian restaurant you could smell from the sidewalk.
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Old 02-21-2023, 08:02 PM   #1011
JonInMiddleGA
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RainMaker View Post
I'm sorry you're going through this Jon. For me, it was smells that would trigger emotions. I even took a different route to the train station for a while because I would pass this Italian restaurant you could smell from the sidewalk.

I think damned near anything is a potential for me still. That thing today though ... I mean, c'mon, FML.

I was HAPPY about what I'd read (I didn't go into detail on FB cause there's plenty of friends who'd know exactly who I meant) -- an 18 y/o HS b'ball star in my old hometown who had her college plans derailed by a sudden cancer diagnosis. A tough year+ later, she's in remission with great indications for having beaten it.

I was so happy to read that I thanked God out loud for Pete's sake.

And then the pics ... same hospital, same room(s), same waiting area, same everything as my wife.

And, though I didn't get into this on FB for whatever reason ... something unique to my experience so far: I felt cheated. God as my witness, I'm thrilled for the young lady and her family, I truly am. I wasn't "jealous" but I felt cheated. And for the first time I thought/said "why not us?"

Not like jealously "instead of" that kid but more like "us too?"

I wasn't angry, I didn't feel the need to shake my fist at the heavens ... I was hurt, and felt like we got cheated somehow.

Yeah, I can know that ain't how it works ... but knowing don't always change feeling.
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Old 02-22-2023, 05:28 AM   #1012
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JonInMiddleGA View Post
And, though I didn't get into this on FB for whatever reason ... something unique to my experience so far: I felt cheated. God as my witness, I'm thrilled for the young lady and her family, I truly am. I wasn't "jealous" but I felt cheated. And for the first time I thought/said "why not us?"

Not like jealously "instead of" that kid but more like "us too?"

I wasn't angry, I didn't feel the need to shake my fist at the heavens ... I was hurt, and felt like we got cheated somehow.

Yeah, I can know that ain't how it works ... but knowing don't always change feeling.

This bit right here is such a horrible mindfuck. The inability to just be thrilled without that cheated feeling popping up simultaneously...ugh.
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Old 02-22-2023, 11:45 AM   #1013
sterlingice
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Location: Back in Houston!
This is going to take a long time for the train to get into the station here, but follow me, if you can, and maybe it all makes sense in the end?

I remember when we had our son, there's just a general haze around things. Life just didn't work right. There was a constant buzz that took up anywhere between 30-100% of my brainpower just to deal with this new human that I had to care for.

Just lots of stuff didn't work and I remember one in particular: I dropped at least 4 pint glasses during that year. Like not "chuck them at someone in anger" or "squeeze so hard they break", like literally "oh crap, that just slipped out of my hand when getting out of the dishwasher/taking it to the table/etc". Apparently, my body wasn't used to not having that full 100% brainpower so I guess motor coordination was at the top of the stack and failed sometimes. Kindof like when you're a kid and you grew an inch and were always hitting your head on stuff because, even though that inch wasn't noticeable, it was there. Other times, it was more obvious - no brainpower for creativity, shorter fuse, etc. But the glass one has always stuck with me.

I haven't dropped one since (I'll probably drop a glass at lunch today because I've been thinking too much about it, but maybe that's also just because of leftover trauma). The first year of our kid was just abject hell, between the sleep deprivation, the new responsibilities, changes in the relationship with my wife, and the illness, oh, the goddamned illnesses. As an aside, I don't think I'll ever understand the "cute baby phase" some people go through or the whole "well, I saw a baby and, honey, can we have another kid". We stopped at one kid and, no, not for that reason (as it is just temporary), but we viewed the first year as "if we want to go through with another kid, we'll do it in spite of year one not because of". It's not like if someone handed their baby to me, I'd spike it on the ground in terror, but just general feelings of "better you than me" and "it gets better".

As for the stress, I think I've eventually whittled that back to 10-15% at the bottom (still 100% at the top of the range) but there's still a constant buzz of stress. Always. And I don't think that ever goes away. But i can feel it. Generally, whenever my son is around, I can physically feel it, that added tension, that added stress.

I don't know if I've shared it here, but I lost my Dad unexpectedly last year. After a while, I started noticing some of the same types of things going wrong - no broken glasses - but a lot of the other similar symptoms. However, the weird thing was - I didn't feel the underlying stress, the underlying physical buzzing that I do with the stress from caring for my son. With him, I can start to feel when I'm starting to get that short fuse or whatever and mitigate the response. With this, it felt like same response out of the black box, but there was no warning - it was the strangest thing to me and it took me a while to understand it.

I imagine that losing a spouse would be even more intense. Like, at least with my wife, she can comfort me about the loss of my Dad. Not that my Dad couldn't do the same but you see your wife constantly whereas my Dad, less regularly - that's just a part of life of having one's own family as you get older.

So I guess this is all a long way of saying is that I have found stress from grief to be incredibly sneaky, even when compared to other stresses that are similar in feel and intensity.

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Old 02-22-2023, 09:16 PM   #1014
Flasch186
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Location: Jacksonville, FL
The Mental Health Thread

Maybe not on brand for the thread but I’m so pissed:

LSS

My sons been slipping behind in school in two classes (English and history) as those classes take more effort for him than the others. Then he got in trouble for something kind of dumb today but alas trouble nonetheless. The Dean called and I talked loudly into the phone so Aiden could hear that the Dean and I were on the same page.

Then afterwards my wife suggested that we take his phone away from him until Monday and that we let him know that if he doesn’t bring his 79.44 up to a B minimum by the end of the quarter he’d lose it for longer.

So when we get home from practice my wife’s busy putting the girls to bed so she says that “you go do it, I’m just putting the girls to bed.”

So I do, and I’m emotive and somewhat loud in my son’s room. Trying to get a breakthrough off some sorts into that cranium of his. After about 15 minutes of it I’m wrapping it up and she walks in and says, “can you stop yelling?” (Fwiw we often disagree about what is telling and what is emotional). I started at her in disbelief that the 15 minutes of brick laying I just laid was kicked over (‘undercut&rsquo with just that and she says, “stop staring at me like that.”

So of course my son sees an ununited front and is now going to be pissed at me instead of seeing all of the choices and opportunities I laid out before him. I assume he’s going to continue to do the same bs in the two classes and I’ll be back at square one in 3 weeks.

Fml


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Old 03-08-2023, 10:27 AM   #1015
Lathum
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Iím currently visiting my dad who got sick right after Christmas and after a short hospital stay was moved to a rehab center for pulmonary rehab. Heís 92 but in decent shape for his age. He was obviously weakened and we knew it would be a long road. About a month ago he got COVID then MRSA. I havenít been able to visit since due to him being in isolation and I had a couple trips. Tried talking on the phone but it was a struggle due to his shortness of breath. This is the first Iíve seen him since and the illness has changed him. Iím now looking at an old man who is dying and I have no idea how to grasp Iím goi g to lose my father soon. We have a meeting today to get him released so he can go home. He will have a full time aid and be comfortable, but at the end of the day itís window dressing so that he can die there and not some facility. Heís a good man and has led a good life, nothing left on the table but that somehow doesnít make me feel any better as I type though the tears.
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Old 03-08-2023, 01:09 PM   #1016
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lathum View Post
Iím currently visiting my dad who got sick right after Christmas and after a short hospital stay was moved to a rehab center for pulmonary rehab. Heís 92 but in decent shape for his age. He was obviously weakened and we knew it would be a long road. About a month ago he got COVID then MRSA. I havenít been able to visit since due to him being in isolation and I had a couple trips. Tried talking on the phone but it was a struggle due to his shortness of breath. This is the first Iíve seen him since and the illness has changed him. Iím now looking at an old man who is dying and I have no idea how to grasp Iím goi g to lose my father soon. We have a meeting today to get him released so he can go home. He will have a full time aid and be comfortable, but at the end of the day itís window dressing so that he can die there and not some facility. Heís a good man and has led a good life, nothing left on the table but that somehow doesnít make me feel any better as I type though the tears.

I can't think of any other words that might be of comfort than I hope you and your family find the strength needed to make it through this difficult time.
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Old 03-08-2023, 02:28 PM   #1017
GrantDawg
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Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Covington, Ga.
It doesn't matter what age or the situation, losing a parent is big. As someone has said "there are people who know, and people who can't imagine." So sorry you are having to go through it.
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Old 03-08-2023, 03:52 PM   #1018
Kodos
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Iím sorry to hear that, Lathum. Facing your parentís mortality is hard. We lost my Mom 8 years ago, and Dad is on the decline now too. Itís an ordeal when you lose one of the pillars of your life. Nothing really prepares you for it.
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Old 03-09-2023, 07:03 AM   #1019
flere-imsaho
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So sorry to hear this, Lathum.
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Old 03-14-2023, 10:05 PM   #1020
Lathum
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Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: homeless in NJ
Thanks for the kind words guys. He came home Friday and peacefully passed this evening in his own chair surrounded by family. How he wanted. I've no idea what the next few days will hold but gonna have to hold together my mom and sister. Right now I am just numb.
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Old 03-14-2023, 10:07 PM   #1021
rjolley
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My condolences to you and your family, Lathum.
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Old 03-14-2023, 10:09 PM   #1022
Lathum
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Location: homeless in NJ
dola- please nothing on Facebook. There is still some family that don't know
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Old 03-14-2023, 10:17 PM   #1023
sterlingice
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Location: Back in Houston!
Really sorry to hear that Lathum.

In my experience, the next few months will be tough and the first month or two particularly acute (and, yes, numb) - it's ok to step back from things for a bit and just try to get ahold of your family, your feelings, yourself. Eventually, those memories that will make you intensely sad will start turning into fond ones, but it will take time. It sounds like you were blessed with good circumstances for his passing, even if it may not feel like it now.

SI
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Houston Hippopotami, III.3: 20th Anniversary Thread - All former HT players are encouraged to check it out!

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Last edited by sterlingice : 03-14-2023 at 10:19 PM.
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Old 03-14-2023, 11:26 PM   #1024
thesloppy
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So sorry for you. Glad he got to go out on his own terms at least a little bit.
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Old 03-15-2023, 06:20 AM   #1025
Edward64
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Sorry to hear Lathum. My condolences.
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Old 03-15-2023, 07:04 PM   #1026
flere-imsaho
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Sad news, I'm very sorry, Lathum.
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Old 03-16-2023, 07:13 AM   #1027
Kodos
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Iím so sorry, Lathum. At least he got to go out in his own chair with loved ones around him. So much better than in a hospital bed.
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Old 03-19-2023, 06:19 AM   #1028
Flasch186
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I don’t think there’s a better thread but I’m stressed. My 13yo son has his first girlfriend about a month ago. Hooray. It’s certainly built his confidence that he’s not in fact ugly. But I digress. I have a cloned iPad and can read his texts. This girl is horribly abusive to him verbally. She’s 12/13 and likely trying to figure herself out too but my son is overly nice and supportive and uplifting to her and she’s nothing but negative, denigrating, and abusive to him. It’s very weird and he often responds with “tf?” And “wtf?” When she says awful things to him, about him etc but he’s a moth to flame as he tries to navigate relationships. Anyways, I’m going to talk to him today about it so any advice would be awesome. He knows I can see the texts and I blame Bark (an app) that sends clips of texts however he doesn’t know that I can read them all anyways… he don’t like it but he knows that it’s non negotiable that we do.


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Old 03-19-2023, 07:23 AM   #1029
miami_fan
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Flasch186 View Post
I don’t think there’s a better thread but I’m stressed. My 13yo son has his first girlfriend about a month ago. Hooray. It’s certainly built his confidence that he’s not in fact ugly. But I digress. I have a cloned iPad and can read his texts. This girl is horribly abusive to him verbally. She’s 12/13 and likely trying to figure herself out too but my son is overly nice and supportive and uplifting to her and she’s nothing but negative, denigrating, and abusive to him. It’s very weird and he often responds with “tf?” And “wtf?” When she says awful things to him, about him etc but he’s a moth to flame as he tries to navigate relationships. Anyways, I’m going to talk to him today about it so any advice would be awesome. He knows I can see the texts and I blame Bark (an app) that sends clips of texts however he doesn’t know that I can read them all anyways… he don’t like it but he knows that it’s non negotiable that we do.


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I'll give it a shot.

I am happy to see that last part. I think that will make the conversation much less awkward. Regarding the first girlfriend, that is still a confidence thing IMO. Yes, it is a boost that a girl is attracted to him, that does not necessarily mean that it is enough of a boost to think other girls are attracted to him as well. So keeping the one he has even if she is abusive may be a better option than not having one at all as far as he is concerned. The second part is a bit more complicated. Does he think it is abusive or does he think it is a relationship similar to one that young people have especially boys with their friends, teammates, classmates etc that has an element of talking shit to each other? I am not condoning or minimizing abuse but let's be honest, talking shit with my friends (boys and girls) when we were kids was a part of every relationship I had and did not mean we were not supportive of each other. Of course there was definitely a back and forth between us and sometimes we had to figure out the boundary lines the hard way. I would want to know if there was more the relationship than what is in those texts and if that is the relationship he wants to have with her.
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Old 03-19-2023, 08:44 AM   #1030
JPhillips
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Newburgh, NY
I'd start by saying how this looks to you and then ask him what he thinks. After that, I'd take my cues from him. If he's unhappy, help him find a way to speak out or separate himself.
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Old 03-19-2023, 11:18 AM   #1031
flere-imsaho
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Agree with both of the above posters. Sam is 14, and although he hasn't run into this, I've checked a few of his group chats and asked him about some of the language and was able to determine that it was just boys shit-talking each other.

I agree 100% with just asking the question about what he thinks and going from there. At this age they're still trying to figure out how to articulate themselves, so you've got to give them a little space to try and get the concepts put into words.
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Old 03-19-2023, 03:07 PM   #1032
JonInMiddleGA
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fwiw, I'll offer what my own son advised (cause I had virtually nothing, and I seriously doubt anything you weren't already thinking)

"Welcome to middle school relationships. That describes probably 90% of the ones I ever saw. He'll have to figure it out himself for anything to really stick"

Like I said, fwiw ... but I thought his input was better than anything I had
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Old 03-19-2023, 04:11 PM   #1033
Flasch186
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I talked to him about it within a 5 minute time because he hates when I’m verbose and I basically said that in proud of him for not getting in the mud with her and that it’s not ok or desirable to be with someone that brings you down. He said he didn’t want to be mean to her and they had talk to get in person about it. He listened and for the guest time in a long time gave me time to speak. I let him know that I’m going to let him handle his business but I’d always be there to help him but if this were one of my girls and an older mature relationship where this shit was being said papa bear would be coming out.

We shall see… he said he didn’t want to talk to her about it over text but would in person.


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Old 03-19-2023, 04:33 PM   #1034
NobodyHere
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I hate getting older. It just means that my parents and older brothers are one day closer to dying. It sucks.
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