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Old 01-15-2016, 06:33 PM   #101
Ironhead
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"I felt like destroying something beautiful."

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Old 01-15-2016, 06:47 PM   #102
JPhillips
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The problem is you're putting the pussy on a pedestal

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Old 01-15-2016, 06:48 PM   #103
stevew
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Does he look like a bitch?

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Old 01-15-2016, 06:49 PM   #104
JPhillips
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What kind of beer do you like?

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Old 01-15-2016, 06:53 PM   #105
cartman
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Location: Le stelle la notte sono grandi e luminose nel cuore profondo del Texas
In a way, all of us has an El Guapo to face. For some, shyness might be their El Guapo. For others, a lack of education might be their El Guapo. For us, El Guapo is a big, dangerous man who wants to kill us. But as sure as my name is Lucky Day, the people of Santa Poco can conquer their own personal El Guapo, who also happens to be *the actual* El Guapo!

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'Cuz ain't nuthin' but sweat inside my hand
So I dig into my pocket, all my money is spent
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Old 01-15-2016, 06:55 PM   #106
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A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama - long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-lagunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.

Seven Years in Tibet
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Thinkin' of a master plan
'Cuz ain't nuthin' but sweat inside my hand
So I dig into my pocket, all my money is spent
So I dig deeper but still comin' up with lint
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Old 01-15-2016, 07:10 PM   #107
Brian Swartz
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cartman
A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama - long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-lagunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.

Seven Years in Tibet

You, sir, are playing this game on a different level.


I'm not telling you to do this, kid, I'm telling you not to.

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Old 01-15-2016, 07:38 PM   #108
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I wish I could tell you that Andy fought the good fight, and the Sisters let him be. I wish I could tell you that - but prison is no fairy-tale world. He never said who did it, but we all knew. Things went on like that for awhile - prison life consists of routine, and then more routine. Every so often, Andy would show up with fresh bruises. The Sisters kept at him - sometimes he was able to fight 'em off, sometimes not. And that's how it went for Andy - that was his routine. I do believe those first two years were the worst for him, and I also believe that if things had gone on that way, this place would have got the best of him.

Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood
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Thinkin' of a master plan
'Cuz ain't nuthin' but sweat inside my hand
So I dig into my pocket, all my money is spent
So I dig deeper but still comin' up with lint
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Old 01-15-2016, 07:51 PM   #109
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The details of my life are quite inconsequential... very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it.

Boyhood
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Thinkin' of a master plan
'Cuz ain't nuthin' but sweat inside my hand
So I dig into my pocket, all my money is spent
So I dig deeper but still comin' up with lint
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Old 01-15-2016, 09:15 PM   #110
cthomer5000
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I'm ready to go in, coach, just give me a chance. I know there's a lot of riding on it, but it's all psychological. Just gotta stay in a positive frame of mind.

Rudy
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This is like watching a car wreck. But one where, every so often, someone walks over and punches the driver in the face as he struggles to free himself from the wreckage.
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Old 01-15-2016, 09:28 PM   #111
CrimsonFox
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This was like one of the submission contests for cracked.com where you make memes and such out of things. I submitted a bunch. They really work well as memes
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Old 01-15-2016, 09:28 PM   #112
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Old 01-15-2016, 09:29 PM   #113
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Old 01-15-2016, 09:30 PM   #114
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Old 01-15-2016, 09:30 PM   #115
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This line about everyone on the site people did a version of...

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Old 01-15-2016, 09:31 PM   #116
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Old 01-15-2016, 09:31 PM   #117
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Old 01-15-2016, 09:31 PM   #118
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Old 01-15-2016, 09:32 PM   #119
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Old 01-15-2016, 09:41 PM   #120
thesloppy
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Fleshy headed mutant, are you friendly?

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Old 01-15-2016, 10:25 PM   #121
Suicane75
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I'll bet he bought those for you. I bet those were a Christmas gift. Right? You know what I got for Christmas? Oh, it was a banner fucking year at the old Bender family. I got a carton of cigarettes. The old man grabbed me and said, "Hey, smoke up Johnny." All right? So go home and cry to your Daddy. Don't cry here, okay?

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Old 01-18-2016, 01:35 PM   #122
Suicane75
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Luke, I am your father.

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Old 01-18-2016, 01:43 PM   #123
cartman
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If I'm curt with you it's because time is a factor. I think fast, I talk fast and I need you guys to act fast if you wanna get out of this. So, pretty please... with sugar on top. Clean the fucking car.

Car Wash
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Thinkin' of a master plan
'Cuz ain't nuthin' but sweat inside my hand
So I dig into my pocket, all my money is spent
So I dig deeper but still comin' up with lint
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Old 01-18-2016, 01:48 PM   #124
Suicane75
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Ya know what they call a Big Mac in France?
What?
Royale with cheese.
What do they call a Whopper in France?
I don't know, I didn't go to Burger King.

Supersize Me
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Old 01-18-2016, 01:49 PM   #125
Suicane75
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KEVIN!!!!

We Need To Talk About Kevin
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Old 01-18-2016, 01:50 PM   #126
Suicane75
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You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it's me, I'm a little fucked up maybe, but I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to fuckin' amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?

The Day The Clown Cried
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Old 01-18-2016, 01:54 PM   #127
cartman
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Help me Jesus! Help me Jewish God! Help me Allah! AAAAAHHH! Help me Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me!

Backdraft
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Thinkin' of a master plan
'Cuz ain't nuthin' but sweat inside my hand
So I dig into my pocket, all my money is spent
So I dig deeper but still comin' up with lint
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Old 01-18-2016, 01:56 PM   #128
JPhillips
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I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is!

A Doll's House
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Old 01-18-2016, 01:57 PM   #129
JPhillips
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I'm going to have to science the shit out of this.

Weird Science
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To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.. - Mr. Rogers
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Old 01-18-2016, 01:59 PM   #130
JPhillips
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I just want to say one word to you. Just one word. Are you listening? Plastics.

Mean Girls
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To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.. - Mr. Rogers
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Old 01-18-2016, 03:01 PM   #131
PilotMan
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Choke me with the dead cat!

Pet Sematary
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He's just like if Snow White was competitive, horny, and capable of beating the shit out of anyone that called her Pops.

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Old 01-18-2016, 06:22 PM   #132
Dutch
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I feel the need, the need for speed!

-Fast times at Ridgemont High
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Old 01-18-2016, 06:23 PM   #133
Dutch
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Never tell me the odds!

-Mission Impossible
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Old 01-18-2016, 06:25 PM   #134
Neon_Chaos
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Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

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Come and see.
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Old 01-18-2016, 06:33 PM   #135
larrymcg421
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Originally Posted by JPhillips View Post
I just want to say one word to you. Just one word. Are you listening? Plastics.

Mean Girls

Best one yet.
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Old 01-18-2016, 07:02 PM   #136
JAG
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Are you, Helen, menstrating?

Crimson Tide
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Old 01-19-2016, 12:08 AM   #137
ColtCrazy
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"I have a bad feeling about this."

- Titanic
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Old 01-19-2016, 12:16 AM   #138
ColtCrazy
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"The day will come when the courage of men fails...but it is not this day."

- The Longest Day
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Old 01-19-2016, 12:22 AM   #139
ColtCrazy
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and finally..

"It's just a flesh wound."

- World War Z
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Old 01-19-2016, 03:53 AM   #140
stevew
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Go Get The Butter


-50 Shades of Gray.
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Old 01-19-2016, 02:55 PM   #141
albionmoonlight
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Spoiler


--The Revenant

(spoilered since the movie is still in theaters)
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