A Century of Futility and Counting - Chicago Cubs Baseball

[Coffee Warlord]

And we're off!

It is opening day, 2003. Owner/GM Rob Nielsen, also known as the mighty Coffee Warlord, has been handed the reigns of the Chicago Cubs, in the hopes that the never ending futility that marks the Cubbies ends.

Without further adou, your 2003 Chicago Cubs.

Chicago Cubs Report :



  MANAGER  : Rob Nielsen

 

  ACTIVE ROSTER



  BATTERS:

  No Name                 Pos   Birthdate   Bats Throws

  CATCHER

  24 Brian Butts           C    3/24/1977   Left   Left 

  75 Juan Martinez         C   11/12/1971  Right  Right 

  INFIELD

  54 Christian Michaels    1B   9/17/1981  Right  Right 

  37 Forrest Beres         2B    2/9/1971   Left  Right 

  23 Joseph Hoag           2B   5/28/1973   Left  Right 

  13 Michael Payeur        3B   7/15/1973  Right  Right 

  32 Michael Rush          3B  10/31/1980   Both  Right 

  93 William Denby         SS   2/25/1976   Both  Right 

  99 Chuck Farley Jr.      SS   9/11/1980  Right  Right 

  OUTFIELD

   9 Ab Alvarado           LF    1/9/1981  Right  Right 

   7 Will Brown            CF  11/13/1980  Right  Right 

  96 Salvador Gomez        CF   6/18/1971  Right  Right 

   2 Daniel Ertmann        RF   10/5/1981  Right  Right 

  53 Aurelio Romeo         RF    5/4/1975   Left  Right 



  PITCHERS:

  No Name                 Pos   Birthdate   Bats Throws

  STARTERS

  19 Travis Elkin          P    6/29/1979  Right  Right 

  55 Jeff Nights           P     4/6/1980   Both  Right 

  98 Ramon Sanchez         P     6/3/1976   Left   Left 

  21 Rob Nielsen           P    10/4/1979   Left   Left 

  62 Brian Rempe           P     7/5/1967  Right  Right 

  BULLPEN

  57 William Jacobs        P    6/27/1970  Right  Right 

  45 Juan Matos            P    3/30/1972  Right  Right 

  34 Sterling Silvers      P    3/21/1980   Left  Right 

  82 Patrick Cadorette     P    9/16/1972   Left   Left 

  75 Qwikshot Dangers      P   11/18/1980  Right  Right 

  86 Duane Mederos         P    5/11/1977   Left   Left 

A few notes. The stat exporter of this is rather sucky when it comes to exporting player ratings, but it's top notch at exporting game stats. So, your perfomance will be heavily tracked. Jeff Nights, you called Catcher too late, and you are now our #2 pitcher.

Everyone is rated pretty good. None of the FOFC folk flat out suck. If memory serves, our top two players going into the season look to be our ace, one Travis Elkin, and our centerfielder, that ugly looking guy Will Brown. *grin*

For anyone who wants in after this point, let me know. pick your position, and I'll find a blue chip minor league prospect to turn you into. (Ie you don't bust into the team instantly, but you're a top notch prospect for next season.)

And now the even more fun part. Your starting lineups!

1) 2B J. Hoag
2) RF D. Ertmann
3) 3B M. Rush
4) C B. Butts
5) 1B C. Michaels
6) CF W. Brown
7) LF A. Alvarado
8) SS C. Farley Jr.

Starting Pitchers

1) T. Elkin
2) J. Nights
3) R. Sanchez
4) R. Nielsen
5) B. Rempe

Mopup Reliever

1) P. Cadorette

Middle Relief

1) J. Matos
2) W. Jacobs
3) P. Cadorette

Setup

1) S. Silvers
2) D. Mederos

Closer

1) Q. Dangers



Go......CUBS!

[Coffee Warlord]

And just like that, April ends....with a whimper.

The Cubs sit at 11-16, 7 games out of first and good enough for last place in the NL Central.

We're going to give it some time. Most of our guys are playing fairly well.

Our ace, Travis Elkin, leads the team by leaps and bounds in ERA, at a stellar 1.88. Venerable team leader Joseph Hoag is paving the way in batting average, hitting .361 with 1 homer, 7 rbi's, and 4 steals. The Cub's homerun king is presently Christian Michaels, our first baseman. Feeding at the #5 hole, he's got 6 dingers, and is hitting .323.

The bottom of our order is suffering, however. The top hitter in our 6/7/8 slot is Will Brown, at a whopping .227/4/9. Get it in gear, fellas.

WHO'S HOT
---
Ramon Sanchez
Last 3 Games: 2-1, 3.32 ERA, 19.0 IP

Rob Nielsen
Last 3 Games: 2-1, 1.80 ERA, 20.0 IP

Christian Michaels
Last 6 Games: 10-25, .400, 0 HR, 4 RBI

Joseph Hoag
Last 6 Games: 13-26, .500, 1 HR, 4 RBI

WHO'S NOT
---
Will Brown
Last 8 Games: 3-29, .103, 0 HR, 1 RBI

NOTABLE NOTES
---
Tuesday 4/16/2003
Ab Alvarado hits a 454 foot home run!

Friday 4/19/2003
Brian Butts hits a 452 foot home run!

Friday 4/26/2003
Michael Rush drives in 5 runs vs LA.


Lastly, detailed (and I mean detailed) statistics can be found at:

FOFC Cubs Baseball

[cranes74us]

yeah good job

[Travis]

Last Week :

Name ERA W L S G GS IP HA R ER BB K

T Elkin 0.60 0 1 0 2 2 15.0 7 3 1 3 17

Guys, just a run a game, that's all I'm asking, pretty please

[Archer219]

Can we send Cadorette down to AA ball, I don't think he's ready yet.

[Interview Mode]

So, Christian, what do you think is the secret to your sucess so far?

"A good friend of mine used to say, "This is a very simple game. You throw the ball, you catch the ball, you hit the ball. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains." Think about that for a while."

Has the on-field sucess lead to any off field sucess?

"Women: you can't live with them, and they can't pee standing up."

Any last words?

"Don't you guys go nowhere, I plan to put on a hitting display."

[/Interview Mode]

5 bonus point to anyone who can name the movies those quotes came from.

[Coffee Warlord]

#1 - I will say Bull Durham, but I don't think that's right.

#2 - Major League II

#3 - Major League

And....as a look forward to the May writeup, let it be known the FOFC Cubbies have won their first award.

Travis Elkin has been named NL Pitcher of the Month. Whoo!

[Coffee Warlord]

Quick question for all of you.

Do you want to see individual game box scores / game logs (a pain in the arse, but doable), or are the compiled stats and notables for the month enough?

I've considered doing a couple 'spotlight' games every month as well. Lemme know what you all think.

[vex]

Oh, just me in the "Who's Not" section, I see.

Does our team have adequate gambling facilities? If not, that must be my problem

[Travis]

Originally posted by Coffee Warlord
Quick question for all of you.

Do you want to see individual game box scores / game logs (a pain in the arse, but doable), or are the compiled stats and notables for the month enough?

I've considered doing a couple 'spotlight' games every month as well. Lemme know what you all think.

Whatever is easier for you man. I think the spotlight games would be enough, whether or not you do them from a statistical standpoint or from a rivalry view, it could be cool, and a lot quicker for you this way.

[Coffee Warlord]

I have authorized the construction of an in-house casino in the basement of Wrigley.

However, access to the casino is forbidden unless the team is on at least a 3 game winning streak.

Thus far, I think you've had access to it for 2 days. Total. *grin*

[vex]

We're the Cubs, not the Yankees for cryin out loud! For us, if we win ONE game, we should get a parade.

[sterlingice]

We're the Cubs, not the Yankees for cryin out loud! For us, if we win ONE game, we should get a parade.

Win, lose, or draw, I'm in the casino. Clearly the program works.

SI

[Coffee Warlord]

May stats are up on the stats URL. I'll post the writeup when I get off of work.

And Vex, you're not acting like a true Cub. You should be saying 'we're going to the series!' until about June. Then you can moan. *grin*

[vex]

June? We're in it til August at least That better?

[Coffee Warlord]

Much better.

No casino for you still, however.

[vex]

I demand a trade!....to the Las Vegas High Rollers

[Qwikshot]

Qwikshot Dangers won't pitch well until its a contract year...

[Coffee Warlord]

May has come and gone. We are improving, slowly but surely. The Cubs now sit at 25-27,
5 games behind the first place Cincinatti Reds, and tied for 3rd place in the division.

We've kept pretty healthy, with only my son Rob Nielsen going down for a mere week
with a tender shoulder. Our pitching is so-so still (aside from Travis the Pitching God), our hitting is showing some signs of life, as we moved Christian into the cleanup spot, dropping Butts down to #5.

Old man Hoag is still killin the ball, batting .372 at our leadoff slot. Right behind him, our very own Daniel Ertmann leads the home run contest by 1, with a total of 9. Needless to say, none of our power guys are producing the major round-trippers I'd like to see.

Our one call up this month was calling up 26 year old southpaw Jeffery Tant, replacing Patrick Cadorette in the bullpen. Patrick had a 7.11 ERA, which...no. Enjoy Iowa, loser.
Tant isn't doing much better, but I'll give him some time before I make the decision to send him back to the cornfields.

WHO'S HOT
---
Brian Butts
Last 6 games: 7-18, .389, 1 HR, 5 RBI

Ab Alvarado
Last 7 games: 11-26, .423, 1 HR, 7 RBI

Chuck Farley Jr.
Last 6 games: 6-19, .316 1 HR, 3 RBI

(good sign for the who's hot, as our bottom half of the order is picking up)

WHO'S NOT
---
Jeff Nights
Last 3 games: 0-2, 6.38 ERA, 18.1 IP

Daniel Ertmann
Last 5 games: 2-18, .111, 0 HR, 1 RBI

Brian Rempe
Last 4 games: 0-4, 8.74 ERA, 22.2 IP

NOTABLE NOTES
---
Friday 5/10/2003
Jeff Nights strikes out 15 vs Pittsburgh

Saturday 5/11/2003
Michael Rush hits a 453 foot home run!
Joseph Hoag has 4 hits vs Pittsburgh

Tuesday 5/14/2003
Joseph Hoag has 4 hits vs Milwaukee
Michael Rush crushes 2 home runs vs Milwaukee
Will Brown slams 2 home runs vs Milwaukee

Wednesday 5/22/2003
Ramon Sanchez strikes out 11 vs St Louis

Friday 6/1/2003
Travis Elkin was named NL Pitcher of the Month!
He had a record of 4-1 in 6 games started, with an ERA of 1.17.

[Coffee Warlord]

Yep, I considered adding to the suspense by holding the June writeup...but...nah.

think it's safe to say we're not going to win the divison this year. At the end of June,
the Cubs stay in 3rd place, at a mediocre 36-42. We just can't seem to get ourselves over
that .500 mark.

First off, we had our first serious injury. Chuck U. Farley Jr broke his foot, and will be
sitting his arse on the DL for another 4 weeks. William Denby has admirably filled in for
Farley at this point. Unless Denby starts hitting about .300 though, there's no doubt as
to who gets the starting job when Farley returns.

Travis is still ruling the major leagues. #3 in ERA, at 2.09, he is the real deal. As for
our other starting pitchers...noone other than the big man stands out. In the 'pen,
Sterling Silvers and Mr Ego, Qwikshot Dangers, are solid. I've brought back Patrick Cadorette
from Iowa, and dumped him in the lefty setup slot, replacing a god-awful Duane Mederos.

Our hitting is starting to pick up, finally. Our power numbers are still off, but 5/8 starters
have double digit home runs, so the entire team is carrying the load.

In other news, our own Mr Bug, aka Kyle Kappe, is currently playing at AAA Iowa, and we hope
to get a good look at him in the September callups. He is, however, struggling at AAA, hitting
only .212, with 2 HR's and 5 SB's. He's a work in progress, however.

WHO'S HOT
---
Brian Butts
Last 5 games: 10-21, .476, 1 HR, 7 RBI

Jeff Nights
Last 4 games: 2-0, 1.42 ERA, 25.1 IP

Will Brown
Last 6 games: 11-25, .440, 2 HR, 5 RBI

Ab Alvarado
Last 6 games: 10-22, .455, 5 HR, 8 RBI (talk about a turnaround)

WHO'S NOT
---
William Denby
Last 5 games: 2-15, .133, 0 HR, 1 RBI

Forrest Beres
Last 5 games: 1-12, .083, 1 RBI

NOTABLE NOTES
---
6/4/2003
Christian Michaels has 4 hits vs Cincinatti
Rob Nielsen strikes out 11 vs Cincinatti

6/9/2003
Will Brown hits 2 homers vs Florida

6/11/2003
Aurelio Romeo hits a 452 foot homerun

6/14/2003
Brian Butts hits 2 homers vs Montreal
Brian Butts drives in 5 runs vs Montreal

6/18/2003
Daniel Ertmann has 5 hits vs LA

6/27/2003
Ab Alvarado hits 2 homers vs Milwaukee

6/28/2003
Brian Butts has 4 hits vs Milwaukee
Brian Butts drives in 6 runs vs Milwaukee
Daniel Ertmann scores 4 runs vs Milwaukee
(if only we could play the Brewers all the time. Christ, we beat them up.)

7/1/2003
Ab Alvarado was named Player of the Week!
He batted .440 in 25 AB, with 5 HR and 9 RBI's. Killer week!


Stats are up for June as well. Next up, the All-Star month! Elkin's a shoe-in...honestly, I think Hoag is our only other worthy candidate. We shall see.

[Qwikshot]

Generic Sports Reporter: Say Mr. Dangers, do you think the Cubs still have a chance?

Qwikshot Dangers (not to be confused with Qwikshot who posts on FOF Board):

Well Qwikshot Dangers is disappointed, but Qwikshot Dangers will do what is best for Qwikshot Dangers, y'know. Qwikshot Dangers is tired after pitching an inning or two, and Qwikshot Dangers cannot understand why Qwikshot Dangers is in the game unless it is for a save oppurtunity, which helps Qwikshot Dangers' bank account.

Generic Sports Report: You seem to have a little trouble away from Wrigley, any reason...

Qwikshot Dangers: Qwikshot Dangers has no problems away or at home, every game is given a Qwikshot Dangers performance, Qwikshot Dangers works hard to make the fans enjoy and respect the power that is Qwikshot Dangers, why you asking whether Qwikshot Dangers can handle the road? Qwikshot Dangers is always ready to perform and give a Qwikshot Dangerseque performance for one, and all little Qwikshot Dangers to be proud of, in a way, that glorfies, and typifies a Qwikshot Dangers type performance, for one and all to be proud and feared of a Qwikshot Dangers type method of shutting down the playas...why you a hata, hmm...

Sports Reporter: I'm just saying...

Qwikshot: Qwikshot Dangers thinks that this interview is over...

[Coffee Warlord]

Dammit Qwikshot!

Damn near spit out my beer reading that I laughed so much!

[sterlingice]

Can I institute a clubhouse policy that every time Quickshot Dangers refers to himself in the third person, we get to fine him $100 towards the end of the year party? Think of what all that cash would buy!

SI

[Coffee Warlord]

Done!

[cranes74us]

wow my player is doin great i hope the cubs do well after the all-star game

[Qwikshot]

Originally posted by sterlingice
Can I institute a clubhouse policy that every time Quickshot Dangers refers to himself in the third person, we get to fine him $100 towards the end of the year party? Think of what all that cash would buy!

SI

Hey, hey, hey, Qwikshot Dangers cannot be muzzled by those oppressors who are jealous of the Qwikshot Dangerslike ability, that Qwikshot Dangers possesses. All these Qwikshot Dangers hatas, why you hate Qwikshot Danges? Why you hate Qwikshot Dangers? (sigh) Qwikshot Dangers is just Qwikshot Dangers, Qwikshot Dangers got multiple car bills, Qwikshot Dangers has mortgages on several luxury estates, Qwikshot Dangers has a lawyer for those palimony suits, why you a hata? Qwikshot Dangers comes and does a Qwikshot Dangers job, feel the love, feel the love for Qwikshot Dangers...

[sterlingice]

Hey, hey, hey, Qwikshot Dangers cannot be muzzled by those oppressors who are jealous of the Qwikshot Dangerslike ability, that Qwikshot Dangers possesses. All these Qwikshot Dangers hatas, why you hate Qwikshot Danges? Why you hate Qwikshot Dangers? (sigh) Qwikshot Dangers is just Qwikshot Dangers, Qwikshot Dangers got multiple car bills, Qwikshot Dangers has mortgages on several luxury estates, Qwikshot Dangers has a lawyer for those palimony suits, why you a hata? Qwikshot Dangers comes and does a Qwikshot Dangers job, feel the love, feel the love for Qwikshot Dangers...

Cha-Ching! Think of the party! How many strippers can you get for $100K?

SI

[Coffee Warlord]

I went a little nuts, and just simmed away 2 more months. And well, July was decent. We had
a shot, a longshot, but a shot. We were in 2nd place, 6 games out of first going into August.
August...we held our own, and then all hell broke loose. Going into September, the Cubs are
riding a 7 game losing streak, and are now tied for dead last in the NL Central. At 11 games
out of first, unless a miracle happens, we're not going anywhere but home for the playoffs.
Our record stands at 59-72. The Reds have a 8 game lead over 2nd place Houston going into
the home stretch.

As for glimmers of hope for next year...well, we have our one All Star, Travis Elkin. He's
a monster, currently leading the majors in ERA, 2nd in hits allowed, 1st in runs allowed, 1st
in allowed batting avg & OBP, and 2nd in allowed slugging. Wow.

The bad news is, on the offensive side, only Joseph Hoag breaks into the top 15 in any positive
category, sitting 10th in batting average. On the dubious side of things, Brian Butts has ground
into 22 double plays, placing him in a 3 way tie for first place. Well, if you're gonna do something,
may as well do it better than anyone else?

Injuries. We got a little banged up, but nothing serious. My son Rob Nielsen is still on the DL
with a back injury. He should return in the first week of September. Michael Rush spent a brief
stint on the DL with a strained wrist, but came back and made up for lost time.

Overall batting...we suck. As a team, we're averaging .254, which is worse than it appear. Our starters
are playing fairly well in terms of hits. In terms of power...Ab Alvarado, Christian Michaels, and
Michael Rush are leading the team with 21,20,19 home runs, respectively. Going into the final
month, that's unacceptable. Manager Coffee Warlord has hinted about locking the whole team in the
weight room for the entire winter. Qwikshot Dangers of course, will get his own weight room, as
the rest of the squad is sick of him looking at himself in the mirror all the time.

Pitching...eh. You know all about Elkin. Our #2 pitcher is actually a call up from Iowa, 27 year
old Jason Curtis. He's been throwing very well, and may have himself a spot in next year's starting
lineup. Jeff Nights wins the Chicago Cubs Bad Luck Award, as he has pitched much better than his
6-12 record would indicate. My injured son Nielsen might not make it back next year, depending
on his performance after his return. He's got loads of talent, but a 5.04 ERA don't cut it.

Our bullpen's kinks have pretty much been worked out. Sort of. Cadorette is steadily decreasing
that monster ERA of his, so he's looking good. Sterling Silvers has played great in his setup
role. In fact, he may be moving to the closer spot next year, as Qwikshot is getting progressively
worse. 25 saves isn't bad for this team, but a 2-8 record and a 5.68 ERA does not a closer make.

As our last note, we have used the September callups to take a look at Kyle Kappe, who has much improved
down in Iowa, bringing his season average up to .278, with 5 HR's and 17 SB's. We called up a pair
of infielders as well, but they are simply added depth for September. Nothing major.

And for everyone's favorite part!

WHO'S HOT
---
Michael Rush
Last 5 games: 8-22, .364, 2 HR, 7 RBI

Joseph Hoag
Last 6 games: 14-28, .500, 1 HR, 2 RBi

Daniel Ertmann
Last 8 games: 13-29, .448, 3 HR, 5 RBI

Chuck Farley Jr
Last 5 games: 4-12, .333, 1 HR, 6 RBI

WHO'S NOT
---
Ramon Sanchez
Last 3 games: 0-2, 9.95 ERA, 12.2 IP

Ab Alvarado
Last 8 games: 3-33, .091, 0 HR, 2 RBI (ouch)

Brian Rempe
Last 3 games: 1-2, 7.80 ERA, 15.0 IP

Donald Fish
Last 3 games: 0-2, 7.58 ERA, 19.0 IP

NOTABLE NOTES
---
7/10/2003
Daniel Ertmann has 4 hits vs Philly

7/11/2003
Michael Rush has 4 hits vs Colorado

7/13/2003
Joseph Hoag has 4 hits vs Colorado

7/21/2003
William Denby has 5 RBI vs Atlanta

8/1/2003
Travis Elkin was named NL Pitcher of the Month! His second PoTM award this year!
He had a record of 4-0 in 5 games started, with an era of 1.27

8/23/2003
Ramon Sanchez strikes out 12 vs Philly

8/25/2003
Joseph Hoag has 4 hits vs Philly

[Coffee Warlord]

Good lord I played and wrote a lot today....

Thus endeth season 1 of the Chicago Cubs. And not surprisingly, the Cubbies not performeth
well. We finished the season 73-89, good enough for last place in the NL Central. As for
the major leagues, Oakland took down Houston in the Series 4 games to 2. Looks like we
got ourselves a major player in our division to contend with for next season.

Now a look at our season. First, the high points. We've got a young team, and none of our
players looked particularly bad. If I can hold this club together, financially speaking,
we could have a genuine dynasty on our hands. Team MVP? None other than Travis Elkin,
this year's NL Cy Young Award winner. Travis finished tops in the majors in ERA, 4th in
wins with 19 (couldn't break that 20 game mark!), and tops in allowed batting average, on-base,
and slugging. Greg Maddux eat your heart out. Jeff Nights had a rough time, but I'm
convinced he's better than his record, and the jury is out on my own son. The non-FOFC
pitchers...well, Jason Curtis's performance has won him a slot next season, and unless we
can find a low cost starter on the free agent market, Ramon Sanchez is back as well. Bullpen,
we were fair. Qwikshot saved his job that last month, dropping his ERA dramatically, and
not blowing a save all month. He's our closer for opening day 2004. I'd like to see Sterling's
ERA drop a few, but he's still the guy we can count on for the setup role.

Offensively, I've seen marked improvement from the starters this season. All 8 position starters
are signed through next season, and I have no intention of changing the dynamic. The reserves
are fair game, but I'm quite pleased with everyone's performance. Congratulations to our home
run king this year, Ab Alvarado, who brought in 30 home runs. However, as his average plummeted
in the last 2 months to finish at .235, the Offensive MVP has to go to Christian Michaels. .253
batting average isn't overly impressive, but hitting 26 out and driving in 102 is purty damn good.
Joseph Hoag was rock solid all year, finishing up at .337, and leading the team in runs scored,
at 95. He needs to learn to not run so damn much though, as 26 SB / 16 CS isn't exactly great.
Sit down, old man.

I think we look good for next year. We shall see. No who's hot/not of course, since the season
is over, but we bring you to Notable Notes.

NOTABLE NOTES
---
9/1/2003
Michael Rush hits 2 homers vs Colorado

9/3/2003
Christian Michaels hits 2 homers vs Pittsburgh
Daniel Ertmann has 4 hits vs Pittsburgh
Daniel Ertmann hits 2 homers vs Pittsburgh
Daniel Ertmann scores 4 runs vs Pittsburgh

9/5/2003
Chuck Farley Jr has vs hits vs St Louis

9/13/2003
Juan Matos breaks the single season team record for pitcher appearances with 84!

9/17/2003
Ab Alvarado breaks the rookie single season team record for home runs with 25!
Travis Elkin strikes out 12 vs Florida

9/23/2003
Christian Michaels has 4 hits vs LA
Michael Rush drives in 5 vs LA

9/27/2003
Joseph Hoag has 4 hits vs San Diego

10/1/2003
Ab Alvarado hits 2 home runs vs Milwaukee

10/2/2003
Brian Butts has 4 hits vs New York
Ab Alvarado has 4 hits vs New York
Ab Alvarado slams 2 homers vs New York
Ab Alvarado drives in 5 runs vs New York

10/4/2003
Christian Michaels hits a 460 foot home run!
Will Brown slams 2 homers vs Philly

11/3/2003
Travis Elkin was awarded the National League Cy Young Award!
In 35 games started, he pitched 245.1 innings, fanning 237 and walking just 57.


Next up, free agency, the draft, and your team for the 2004 season!

Go Cubs!

Full end of season statistics are up for review. Next season, I plan on doing some 'spotlight' games, and key in on individual FOFC players as the season goes by, now that I know we've got a solid foundation.

[vex]

Hey, can you rename my player "vexroid", I'm not used to looking for my name?

[Travis]

We cut to a live feed of recently named NL Cy Young award winner Travis Elkin standing alongside a vivacious babe holding a microphone. She seems to get her cue and turns her attention to the Cub beside her.

"Jules Gordon here with Chicago's newest son, Cub ace Travis Elkin. So Travis, with the season in the books and a Cy Young award on your mantle, what are your thoughts on the team?"

With a big goofy farm boy grin, Travis looks back and forth from Jules to the camera, apparently trying to decide whom he's supposed to address with his reply.

"I'd just like to thank God for giving me the ability to play in the Bigs with a great group of guys like this. We all gave 110% and came to play every game. I think this year we all really gelled as a group, and next year we'll give 110% again, and really play as a team and get things accomplished. I'm just doing what I can to try and make the Cubbies a better team."

If possible, his grin grows wider as the expression on Jules' face becomes one of incredulousness at his reply.

"Yes, but how did you feel the season went, what could have been done differently to get you into the playoffs?"

A look of stern concentration comes over Travis' face, and in the ensuing 30 second silence, you can almost hear Jules yelling at him with her eyes to just answer the question.

"Well, you know, you can't really give more than 100%, but all the boys really came out hard and gave that 110% every night. We gelled as a team, and next year, we'll be even more of a team, which should bring us a little closer to our goals if we continue to give 110% all the time. With this year under our belts, we should improve next year, and as long as we use our God given talents and give 110%, we'll win a few more games and hopefully make the post season."

Travis seems impressed with his answer, then quickly waves into the camera while mouthing "Hi Mom". Jules rolls her eyes, then addresses the camera.

"Well that wraps it up for me, I'm Jules Gordon, back to you Jim"

[Coffee Warlord]

Financial Report

For a last place team, not bad. Fan interest did drop unfortunatly, to 55/100.
Hopefully we can put a better product out there next year. Attendance came
in at 2,587,367, which is 31,943 / game. Fair enough.

Total revenue for the year was $81,140,807, vs $81,227,350 in payroll. A lot
of players in the initial draft are overpaid losers who will be kindly shown
the door. We lost a whopping $86,543 bucks. No biggie, although since we did
not make a profit, we will not have cash to schedule promotions this year. Guess
we'll just have to promote ourselves the old fashioned way.

Contract Extensions

First we take a look at our own team. We're only losing 2 no-name players to
free agency, who I could care less about. We have agreed to extensions for
Brian Butts, who signed a 5.5 million per year contract for 5 years. He's ours
for the long haul. Travis Elkin demanded 14 million a year, and got it. He's
inked for another 4 years. Rob Nielsen was amenable to an extension before
the season got underway as well, and we locked him up for 4 more years at
2.5 million/year. As of now, we have 8 players who's contract is up at the
end of the 2004 season, but none of them care to talk about an extension just
yet. We'll keep you posted.

Staff

No changes from the initial guys. I've got a very good arsenal of coaches,
and we're sticking with em.

Free Agency

We looked for the bargains here. Our starting unit was to be kept intact,
but I needed some good utility players, and a couple new faces to shore up
the bullpen. Starting pitchers were just too expensive, so I'm staying with
what we got. After it's all said and done, we picked up the following players.

LF Chadwick Goris, 2.2 million / year, 4 years
Plays LF/RF, and plays it well. He's exactly the 4th outfielder we needed.

RP Alex Gelinas, 1.0 million / year, 4 years
Right handed solid relief pitcher. A deal at 1 million even, if you ask me.

RP Shaun Beaupre, 1.1 million / year, 4 years
We had a war over getting this guy, but I wanted a proven lefty relief pitcher.
His 5.04 ERA last year wasn't great, but my scouts see something in him, and
our weak pitching from the left side last year hurt. We shall see.

Draft Picks

We picked #5 in the draft, and we spent it on LF Tory Hernandez, above and beyond
the best player in the draft. Hopefully in years to come, he'll be a monster
power hitter. The other picks were merely servicable, with long odds of picking
up someone who can be a true force.

1) LF Tory Hernandez
2) P Clifford Jarboe
3) 2B Norman Shih
4) P Ronald Grafton
5) 3B Terrell Tussey

Your 2004 Chicago Cubs

Much to the surprise of many, Kyle Kappe did not make the opening day roster. Our
free agent pickup of Chadwick Goris had the 4th spot automatically, and the 5th
and final OF slot was won by incumbant backup OF Aurelio Romeo.

For the rest of the position players, no big surprises. The 8 starters return to
rock the house. Pitching, some serious changes. The starters remain our end of
last season unit of Elkin, Nights, Sanchez, Nielsen, and Curtis. In the bullpen,
we're taking a chance at having only 1 left hander, new arrival Beaupre. He will
work alongside Sterling Silvers as the setup man. Galinas, our other new arrival,
will work middle and long relief, with the two incumbants, Jacobs and Matos.

And yes. Qwikshot '100 Dollar Fine' Dangers is back in the closer's spot.

Your 2004 Starting Lineup!

1) 2B Joseph Hoag
2) RF Daniel Ertmann
3) 3B Michael Rush
4) 1B Christian Michaels
5) C Brian Butts
6) CF Vexroid Brown
7) LF Ab Alvarado
8) SS Chuck Farley Jr

Your 2004 Pitching Staff!

1) Travis Elkin
2) Jeff Nights
3) Ramon Sanchez
4) Rob Nielsen
5) Jason Curtis

Your 2004 Bullpen!

Alex Gelinas (Long/Middle)
William Jacobs (Middle)
Juan Matos (Middle)

Sterling Silvers (Setup)
Shawn Beaupre (Setup)

Qwikshot Dangers (Closer From Hell)


Yessssireee, go Cubs!

In early April, we will get the pain over with, and put the spotlight on Qwikshot Dangers, and see just WTF this guy is smoking. Our end of April spotlight will be none other than the old man of the team, Joseph Hoag.

[Qwikshot]

I love it man...I cool off with Q.D. but seriously if you have a closer who isn't crazy, then you have a closer that's lost his edge...

[Qwikshot]

dola...

I really do enjoy this dynasty, and I hope my player does well for the team...

[Coffee Warlord]

Hell, the Qwikshot Dangers interviews make my day after I post the latest updates.

Although you now have some competition from Travis's rendition of the Bull Durham Rules to Interviewing.

[DataKing]

Originally posted by Coffee Warlord
Joseph Hoag was rock solid all year, finishing up at .337, and leading the team in runs scored,
at 95. He needs to learn to not run so damn much though, as 26 SB / 16 CS isn't exactly great.
Sit down, old man.

I figured something was up when opposing stadiums started playing "Been Caught Stealing" by Jane's Addiction whenever I stepped up to the plate.

[cranes74us]

nice report and pretty darn funny keep it up

[Coffee Warlord]

Spotlight: Qwikshot Dangers

In our first installment of Chicago Cubs Spotlight, we take a look at...yes. Him.

#75 Qwikshot Dangers, Closer
Birthday: 11/18/1980
Age: 23
Height: 6'4"
Weight: 165
Throws: Right
Bats: Right

History:
Drafted in 28th round, 815th overall pick by Chicago in 2003.
Earned first career win on 4/6/2003.

What our scouts think of Qwikshot...

Qwikshot Dangers has a really live arm and hits his spots well. He will be a great closer in the future. Has the perfect makeup to be dominant out of the pen. His move to first is deceptivly good, he does tend to lose focus from time to time and it is then when guys run on him. His defense doesn't usually hurt his game, but neither does it help as he does an adequate job with the glove.

What the manager thinks of Qwikshot

"First of all. Speaking in the first person is overdone. Try speaking in the second person, then we'll consider you clever.
Next, you really need to stop leaving your dirty underwear in Elkin's locker. He actually strikes people out. If you save 50 games, you can be disgusting. Until then, wash your own jockstrap."

What the owner thinks of Qwikshot

*looks up from the craps table*

"Who? He the pit boss here or something?"

Synopsis

Love him or hate him, he's our closer, he's under contract till 2006, and dammit, he just might be arrogant enough to be the closer of the 21st century. Go Qwikshot!

[Coffee Warlord]

Spotlight: Joseph Hoag

As our second victi...player for April, we take a look at our team leader and veteran 2nd baseman, Joseph Hoag.

#23 Joseph Hoag, 2B
Birthday: 5/28/1973
Age: 30
Height: 6'2"
Weight: 190
Bats: Left
Throws: Right

History:
Drafted in 10th round, 275 overall pick by Chicago in 2003.
Had first career hit on 4/2/2003 off David Atkins (PHI).
Hit first career home run on 4/23/2003 off David Deems (MON).

What the scouts say...

Put 8 players like Joseph Hoag in your lineup, and you will have a rather good team. Joseph appears to be an average hitter, he'll get his share of base hits, he just won't be outstanding. He is no threat to go deep, zero power. He often swings at bad pitches, and needs to go deeper in the count, he looks very impatient at the plate. Joseph has some skill in avoiding the K, although not great. He is a burner, and steals a few bases along the way. Joseph is a spectacular second baseman. He has amazing range and will make plays that few can make and take away quite a few hits.

What the manager says...

"NO, I DID NOT GIVE YOU THE DAMN STEAL SIGN!"

What the owner says...

"Huh? No I did not steal these chips, what are you talking about?"

Synopsis

The scouts were wrong. He can hit quite well. The Old Fart is our guy. His contract is up this year, hopefully he re-signs with us, and finishes out his career as a Cub!

[DataKing]

Originally posted by Coffee Warlord
"NO, I DID NOT GIVE YOU THE DAMN STEAL SIGN!"

Maybe the sign should be something different than a butt-scratch. You seem to be rather fond of that, coach.

Just kidding, of course. Great stuff Coffee.

[Coffee Warlord]

The butt scratch is bunt, you fool!

[Travis]

So what's it mean when you adjust your cup 10 times in a row?

[vex]

9 means suicide squeeze, I think 10 adjustments of the cup just means coach was, umm, readjusting.

[Qwikshot]

Originally posted by vexroid
9 means suicide squeeze, I think 10 adjustments of the cup just means coach was, umm, readjusting.

Qwikshot Dangers always has to adjust, Qwikshot Dangers wears a new jockstrap every game, Qwikshot Dangers used jockstraps get sold on Ebay...Qwikshot Dangers is amazed at the supplemental income Qwikshot Dangers gets from this. Qwikshot Dangers is perturbed to be signed up till 2006, and Qwikshot Dangers may fire his agent for this, but Qwikshot Dangers is sure to display a tough Qwikshot Dangerseque performance, every Qwikshot Dangers chance he gets...Qwikshot Dangers doesn't understand how to speak in the second person, Qwikshot Dangers isn't schizophrenic.

[sterlingice]

Qwikshot-o-Meter [The quest for $10K]: $1100 ($1200, if we cound Quickshot Dangersesque):


SI

[DataKing]

Originally posted by Qwikshot
Qwikshot Dangers always has to adjust, Qwikshot Dangers wears a new jockstrap every game, Qwikshot Dangers used jockstraps get sold on Ebay...Qwikshot Dangers is amazed at the supplemental income Qwikshot Dangers gets from this. Qwikshot Dangers is perturbed to be signed up till 2006, and Qwikshot Dangers may fire his agent for this, but Qwikshot Dangers is sure to display a tough Qwikshot Dangerseque performance, every Qwikshot Dangers chance he gets...Qwikshot Dangers doesn't understand how to speak in the second person, Qwikshot Dangers isn't schizophrenic.

We've got to have a ton of cash in the Qwikshot Dangers kitty by now. I'm from Chicago, and can recommend some excellent "Gentlemen's Clubs."

[Qwikshot]

Qwikshot Dangers financial analyst :

"Use the word I , Dammit! Or you're going to have to put out a 2nd mortgage on Qwikshotopia. And keep that jockstrap cashflow coming...you need it!"

[sterlingice]

Oh, c'mon, I know Qwikshot Dangers refuses to take orders from a financial analyst. You need to lose that bastard.

SI

[Coffee Warlord]

Just wait till I tell him what his current salary is.

[DataKing]

What kind of scratch are we making playing for the Cubbies, anyhow?

It's not what's important...I'm just curious.

[Qwikshot]

Originally posted by Coffee Warlord
Just wait till I tell him what his current salary is.

Suddenly Qwikshot Dangers is very concerned...