Tattler 2/1/83

[TimGuru]

Rumors swirl that a mysterious millionaire may be interested in joining the FOOL as a team owner. The only info available is that he sometimes goes by the nickname the Candyman. It is not yet known which franchise he seeks to acquire.

(FOOL can only hope).

[TimGuru]

SPECIAL GUEST TO THROW OUT OPENING PITCH FOR OSPREYS

The Tattler has learned that anarchist-wannabe (see previous reporting) and political elbow-rubber Kaosfere, owner of the Toronto Ospreys, has invited a special guest for opening day. Moved to Canada in 1969 to back up his threats to leave the US if Nixon gained the White House, Kaosfere is once again showing his loyalty to the left by hosting former President Jimmy Carter and his family for opening day. Precocious young Amy will be invited on the field to toss the first pitch to presumptive opening day catcher Emilio Cuevas. Some fans hope she is invited to stay on in the bullpen as the team's closer.

[TimGuru]

After a tumultuous move from Valdosta , GA to Wyoming in the winter of 1979 and 1980, the Wyoming Buffalo Soldiers revealed a new logo and then found the GM’s office barred from entry with crime scene tape. Unconfirmed rumors of a supernatural phenomenon in the top right hand desk drawer of the GM’s desk persist to this day; all the Tattler can say factually is, the franchise was unable to hold onto anyone in the GM’s seat for long. Starting in 1981, the FOOL Commissioner’s office partnered with the Wyoming state lottery to have a “Be GM for a Month” contest. As would be expected, most of the “winners” were call-in talk show listeners who left their mother’s basements only long enough to come to Wyoming , enter the contest, and serve their time. Team results reflected this erratic leadership, with the team only consistently finishing ahead of Chicago and the Tattler’s owner’s own New York Pussycats. The best month during the span of the contest was achieved by a Boy Scout troop from Casper, which fashioned an “AI” (standing for “actual information”) machine from an electric razor, a Pong entertainment system, and a Polaroid camera (see our feature in the Technology section of the Tattler, March 23 1982 edition).

Well, the wait is over for the entire population of Wyoming , as the franchise has a new leader, announced today. Not much is known about the new GM, other than that his first or last name might or might not be Brittdad. There is a rumor that the team will be hiring a "spirit squad" for the enjoyment of the fans attending games in person.

[TimGuru]

Media Watch

Arthur Nerdlenberger's Los Angelos based overnight sports talk show got a surprise caller last night, as Brittdad called in to discuss his plans for the Wyoming franchise.

Most of his comments led listeners and host to believe that major cost cutting efforts were underway for the Buffalo Soldiers. For example, Brittdad pointed out that by renaming the team the Wyoming Ants, he would save significant costs on lettering souvenier jerseys. This point was referred to later in the conversation as well, when he said he was still searching for the shortest city name that would be willing to host the team. Negotiations are underway with Ai, Ohio; the obvious drawback that the town has a population of 10 is deemed "irrelevant".

Day games will also be the order of business for Wyoming, since lighting also costs money. Plus, its Wyoming. Travelling the roads of Wyoming at night can only lead to a close encounter of the scary as hell kind.

Brittdad was extremely difficult to get off the phone, taking calls from callers, and even doing impromptu unscripted read for Basement Sports' sponsors. Asked what the deal was, B'dad confessed that his family members had gone out to a record store for the midnight release party of Elton John's eagerly awaited "Too Low For Zero" album.