And then I grabbed her ass...The Terry B. Story.

[The Afoci]

"Hey now. Hey now. Come here. Closer, you know the radio mans voice can only propel so far from this airoplane because I am so high. Check out the rack on that lady there, I told her, hey lady, you like this sofa, I will give it too you for half off if you let me stick my face between your boobies. She left with a sofa and I left with a face full boobies. And then I grabbed her ass."



Now many of you maybe confused, but don't be. The story you are about to hear is all based in truth or at least in someone's vision of it. Terry B. is a man of legends. Not many 51 year olds date a 50 year old twin sister of a gay furniture store owner who has a slave and also employs him. Oh yeah, the 50 year old is a slutty dressing, huge breast implant, multiple men loving, methhead. This man is my Sales Manager. He is Terry B.



Sandy E., Terry B.'s love, comes flying out her dark office throwing chocolates. "Hey now, eat these, I can't eat these and if they are in my office I will eat them. TAKE THEM. NOW. I DON'T WANT THE FUCKING CHOCOLATES IN MY FUCKING OFFICE!"



Hi Sandy E. My name is Justin, I am the new salesman here and you just hit my first customer in the head with a chocolate. Thank you. The old lady really seemed to like it. Your cursing was also really great. Oh, you are the owners sister. The really gay, kinda jerk owner who has his own slave owner. Nevermind. Carry on. I here she is a heavy drinker.


"Hey kid, whatsyourname, whatsitmatter, you're a punk anyway, I do more work than you do in a month in a minute and with a bigger cock....No really, I used to be really ripped, played soft ball until I was 45. But I was in great shaped, batted 3rd the whole time. I would wake up do 500 pushups and situps. I had a 44 inch chest and 32 inch waist. But then I broke my leg in a horrible water park accident and got fat. Anyway, let me teach you a few things here, obviously we are pretty laid back here, but be careful when The Big D (Sandy E.'s Brother and half owner) is around, he can be crazy. Stay out of the workbench area, The Big D needs to train you in there...(Workbench area, I work in a furniture store...) But just a few basic things...Twin matts, 69 bucks a piece, full 89 bucks. You start getting to the queens and we got sets at 199. If you want the good damn home complete gym, 399. (Ahh...Workbench is bed. Justin is smart)"


"Hey kid, whats your name? (What the hell, this guy looks exactly like Conan O'Brien) Oh, hey Justin, I'm Derrick, anyway, I saw you talking to Terry B. I got a great story about him, it was about the last time I went drinking with him, about 6 years ago, prior to him meeting Sandy E. and about a year prior to him coming here. We went out to this bar, just a dive bar, pile of shit bar. It was fucking horrible. I mean, the place smelled like piss and pussy and you couldn't really seperate them if you know what I mean, a real ladies bar. Well there is one good looking girl in the bar and after about 30 minutes and 8 PBRs Terry B. proclaimed that if you are going to hit on a girl, it might as well be the hottest girl in the bar, or else you are lowering your standards. So about an hour in and 8 more PBRs, Terry finds the one decent looking gal in the place and goes and sits between her and her weight lifting boyfriend. After a few words were exchanged we got Terry B. out to his car and I had to drive the drunk bastard home in his piece of shit cavalier that he had to drive because he could fit a couple ladies in the back and lay the seat down and roll the sleeping bags out from the trunk if he had to but anyway...We get in the car and the panel on the passangers door falls on him when he slams the door shut and he fucking yells SNAKE! There we are in the middle of Fargo North Dakota in January and this fucker thinks a god damn snake jumps him. So after he is done freaking out, we start to his place, the man tells me his life story, half of which was about grabbing chicks asses. He tells me I have to come in to see something, his workbench. So I come into his tiny ass place to find the bastard has a single twin bed in the middle of the room and a 19 inch television on the back wall. "This is my workbench" he told me straight faced. Said I could lick the sheets if I wanted too. I think he was serious. Oh well, just as long as you know he is a crazy fucker."

[WSUCougar]

Worst. Dynasty. Ever.

[Travis]

You had me at boobies.

[Fonzie]

I laughed. I cried. It was terrific.

Encore!

[The Afoci]

Now we have a small cast of characters here, Terry B., Sandy E., The Big D, Derrick and me. I suppose now is time to introduce two others. Bill. Bill is The Big D's slave. He grabs everything the Big D needs and speaks very little. An occasional hello but little else. Never an entire sentence...




"Hey, what are you doing? Get away from him, let him be he is having a good time. (I stop from looking at the guy in the corner of the store laughing as he vacuums.) That is Bill. The Big D takes care of him. He is a Vet. Veitnam I believe. Crazy story. Bill that is, he went over there to fuck as many of the Veitnamese women as he could. He was a stud athlete, King of Homecombing, super student, but had one problem. The man craved more veitnamese pussy than a magnet designed for such a purpose. So he joined the Marines. Now believe it or not, he went to Veitnam, and when he came back he was different. Never talked to know one, became a bum. Use to come into the old store and beg for food and work. The Big D finally snatched him up, found out he was owed some big government check each month and charged him that much rent per month. Pays him minimum wage an hour and made him his butler essentially. Follows him around to poker tourneys and has him wash his balls twice a week. Otherwise they get really stinky. Anyway, you won't believe what happened to Bill in Veitnam. They put the bastard on a non combat island with non veitnamese chicks and the thought of all the Veitnamese pussy he was going to get was followed by a complete lack of Veitnamese pussy. He couldn't even go screw the retarded girl down the street which he would give Ritz to keep quiet. I mean, sucky on me, you get Ritzie, don't tell Mommy. Damn girl was probably 42, but didn't know no better. So anyway, it drove him nuts, crazy. The government cut him a check because he sued for the truama he had of not getting his pussy for joining the Marines. Government settled out of court so the know one knew of it, could you imagine the enlistment numbers if you knew they could send you to an island where you couldn't get good Veitnamese pussy? I knew a Veitnamese lady once. She came into the store all alone and it was a late Friday night, everyone else went home and it was just her and me. She wanted a discount on the sofa and I said, 'Hey, Lady, you married?' When she told me she was I sent her home to get her husband. So she came back about 10 minutes later even though she lived 80 miles away, because you know how fast those fuckers are. So anyway, I tell her, that for every inch my dick is longer than her husbands, she would get 10 percent off. So anyway, her husband slaps it down on the ruler and this dink has about a three inch peter. So after I undo my belt, bring the zipper down, type in the password to release it from the sheath, I slap it down and owe this lady 3 sofas. Well they had never seen a cock this big ever and I mean, the guy and gal looked at it like it was made of gold, which it nearly was, I dipped it in my gold pond out back everynight because it keeps the herpes away. Anyway, I grabbed her ass on the way out. I love Veitnamese ass."

[Poli]

Say again?

[Franklinnoble]

This dynasty has "Golden Scribe Award" written all over it.

[Franklinnoble]

Originally Posted by ardent enthusiast

Say again?

Ardent is now wondering why his enlistment hasn't included any of the aforementioned benefits...

[JeeberD]

I think The Afoci got ahold of a bad Lunchable...

[The Afoci]

“Hey, kid, you ever try cocaine? No….umm…me either. You smoke weed don’t you? Yep, I can see it in your eyes. Red. And man, you hit the candy and pop machine like I drill your mom so you can keep your job. I like you kid, stick with me and we will go places.”



“Hey, let me tell you something about the faggot fucker that owns this place. (This is Phil. He is the warehouse manager who happens to have a huge hernia sticking from his stomach about 4 inches. He got it years ago, but never fixed it because it wasn’t that big of an issue. I wonder if I squeeze it if he will crap himself? I may never know the answer.) He doesn’t know his head from his ass. And if he did, there wouldn’t be much difference. So I got a plan. I have enough money to pay every motherfucker in this place for a month until we all find new jobs. Then what would the Big D do? Ah. Good days are ahead.”



"So anyway, let me tell you a little story. You know the movie, Splash, where the guy was dating a mermaid or some shit. Anyway, she had scales and not the ones you are use to picking up in the bar. I mean, this ladies scales were awesome, top grade. Well anyway, like I said, I was at my parents place visiting when the damn show came on the television. My mother left the room and my father and I sat there, staring at the TV mindlessly for an hour an a half. When I got up, I walked to the kitchen where my mom was and poked her in the eye with my cock. Ever the man to defend his lady, my dad, in a boner rage, challenged me to a dual. We had fought for hours, it is the B. way, you know we got the staying power the ladies love. Anyway, I finally killed my father with my cock. That is a moment no kid should have to experience. Beating his father with a Splash induced boner. I hate that scaly bitch. Although, I was able to grab her ass in a bar in 94.”

[Poli]

"Oh baby you, you got what I need...and you say he's just a friend, you say he's just a friend..."

[Fonzie]

This thread makes me want to take some antipsychotics.

[The Afoci]

"The Big D left. I hate that prick. He keeps it so cold in the new area, my balls shrink. And that is fucking cold. Your balls probably start shrinking at about 40 degrees, but balls my size start freezing at 24.5 degrees. I went in and got a physical when I was a kid and the doctor said, god damn, Terry B. you got big balls. I said, give me my five bucks and move along prick. My balls will turn a straight man gay and make a gay mans head explode. I mean, my balls are what AC/DC was singing about, only bigger and better and not so pansy like. Just ask Sandy, I asked her to lick my balls once and didn't see her for a week. She came back and gained 10 pounds from my pubes. I told her to come back when she lost the weight. She showed up a week later, looking like a crack whore in need. And my balls were the crack. Really big crack I tell ya. Anyway, I grabbed her ass and she knew that the Terry B. balls are what she needed."

[Qwikshot]

This is interesting.

[Poli]

Incredible.

[The Afoci]

"So hey, hey there, I like your long hair. You know what, I think I will pull it. Well fuck you too. You wouldn't know if a sofa hit you in the face because the guys whose cock was inyourmouthwouldbeintheway....oh shit. Umm...I got herpes of the mouth sometimes, so nevermind."

Nope, it never goes that way. That man could talk himself out of a death sentence with a the dad of the girl he raped. Probably had to at one time in his life.

"Hey kid, come here. So did you hear. Tyler, you know Sandy E.'s kid, the girl I am fucking with the big titties. You know, he fucked a girl. That a boy. Seventeen years old. Not bad for a fuck up. Just proof even a blind squirrel can find a girl and bust his nuts on Tuesdays. It is ladies night at the Jay and we all know anything with a penis can get laid, just depends on you standards and from looking at you, you shouldn't have none. But I bet the skanky, underage fine piece of ass had big titties. I mean the kids mom has the bigguns, the kid should have come to expect them. If her tiities are small, I am convinced he is gay. Convinced like a man being raped in his ass by a gay man who lost his gaydar. Sorry son of a bitch."

"Hey" screams Sandy E. "Hey, you got to take the red copy and place the blue copy near the left corner of the file cabnet. Then take the red copy and place it, with the total cirlced, in the top bin. Make sure the blue copy is clear. Hey, is your lady going to the gym tomorrow morning, I need to work out. I ate like a donut yesterday or the day before, so much sugar, I haven't slept for two days unless you count men...isn't that naughty?"

Hi Sandy E. Time to run.

"Hey, I like your long hair. Makes me want to pull it. So anyway, folks, let me tell you about our bedding. We have layaways, but you don't always have to leave your wife, sometimes the daughter will do....I kid, but you know seriously with only twenty percent down we can lock in the twenty percent off our already forty percent off retail price. That is god damn amazing if I do say so myself knowing that telling you such knowledge could send me to hell for saying god damn, but god damn I mean it is a good deal. Now this is one of those beds where you could be yanking your own chain and the lady won't even know. Hell, if you get the king size one, you could start a gas powered vibrator on your side and he would be clueless, that is assuming you have one, which by looking at you I would guess three, I kid, because I got four...Seriously, let me write you up, tie you up and try this baby out..."

Yep, I have been trained by the best. Sexual Harrasswhatment. That is the FFL Policy.

[The Afoci]

"So boys, gather round as the Terry B. has something to tell ya all. We won four games tonight to bring us to six and six on the season. Now that fellas is only because we threw the best motherfucking rocks we could throw. Let me tell you the story of me learning where to throw the rock the way I learned to throw the rock. It was in Mexico when I was fighting in a battle over a sea of cocaine. Anyway, let me tell you that in order to do what I had to do I had to befriend one Pablo Albino Escobarito. Yes, the same Pablo Albino Escobarito that owns huge cocaine seas in Mexico. As it happens, Pablo has some enemies I had come to know as well, and well these enemies knew that if I could beat Pablo Albino Escobarito! in bowling, he would leave in shame and the cocaine seas would be mine. Sadly, the underfunded peoples only had rocks to throw, no bowling balls. Well, for about six years I toiled in the mines throwing rocks in makeshift lanes. I became a master, like a god damn triple black belt. I looked like god damn Chuck Norris. Well anyway, I tripped leaving the lanes one day in the mine and find a bowling ball sticking up from the floor. Its name was Virginia, but I couldn't read and thought it said "Pussy". So thought came to me, I could have my finger in Pussy every night for the rest of my life and the ball that you all call Virginia is really my Pussy. Stay the fuck away from my Pussy. Stay the fuck away from MY PUSSY!

Good game boys, lets that game with the two naked ladies are the same except for their titties and you touch the screen."

[korme]

must... get... more... Terry B

[The Afoci]

"Hey there lady, who are you doing today?" The poor lady in a wheelchair didn't know what she was getting into. "Well, he I hope you can get around this place, sometimes we pack the shit so deep a person can hardly walk. But I guess you don't care about walking, more about rolling. So you been in a wheelchair long?" This may seem as if it is going bad from the dialog, but the lady seems to be in love with him anyway, but that is the legend of Terry B.


"Fuck you worthless son of a bitch. I sold damn near fifty thousand dollars these last five days and you want to fucking bitch me out for not fluffing pillows, fuck you, get fucking Bill or that fucking new kid to do it. I will be working for Craig by Tuesday you worthless pile of shit, The Big D."


"Oh bullshit Sandy E., your brother, The Big D. is a prick. I hate the fucker and your right on the fucking edge. Thats it, I getting my shit and leaving..."


And with that, Terry B. leaves the store. Customers, jaws dropped to the floor, decide to continue shopping. Everyone else moves on. Sandy E. leaves shortly after, teary eyed. The Big D. leaves with her to comfort his sister. But everyone else goes on. I sit in a chair, nearly teary eyed wondering where my hero has gone, what has happened to him. News reaches me shortly there after that him, his 93 minivan, two bags of his clothes and the rest of his worldly possessions were at the Jay. The local bar the Terry B. frequented. After work, I headed there to find out what happened. He was gone already. I went home that night not knowing the tomorrow would bring. Terry B. back at work. Sandy E. and Terry B. dating and living together. The Big D. still being a prick. Had I not witnessed a blow up. Only God knows because lunch break was god damn delicous the day before.


"I'm throwing rocks tonight boys, only Sandy E. is my ball, and the wall is the pins. The ladies love when you give two to the front, one to the back and show them how a real bowler does his trade. Same reason the like being played with by the bass player but fuck the lead singer. It's in the hips baby. I throw rocks for the ladies. Oh, hey lady, could I point you towards something...Man you have long hair...makes me want to pull it. I bet your boyfriend does...."

[randal7]

I think a week and a half is a long time between updates. I'm caught up in the drama; what happens next?

[The Afoci]

"Hey kid, come here. So you play QB for the company Flag Football squad. Yeah, I use to be the QB for UCLA. Fuck, I never attended classes, had a house on the beach and a bitch for every day of the week. Hell I would have went pro had I not been so good at selling sofas. I mean there comes a time that man has no choice but to make one and when God blesses you with the talent to fling a sofa to old ladies and a football 75 yards into a hurricane force wind, you got to decide. Well, I wanted to keep my knees healthy so here I am. Now I got a wooden leg now too, which is ironic, but fuck, what do you do kid? I was out in the sun, enjoying myself, drinking an ice cold brew when suddenly the bottom half of my leg just snapped right off. I guess God was getting jealous that I was getting so good. Hell, it was only the night prior to that that I had twins. Well sort of. I was chatting with this chick and she wanted the Terry B. like you couldn't believe. She was salavating, she was quivering, she was worshipping the toilets I took shits on, anyway, she wouldn't leave to come to my place without her sister. So anyway, we get to my home and the bitches sit on each side of me, but I forgot which one wanted the Big B. Next thing I know, I got the wrong one in bed, and somehow she is able to turn me down because she just met some dink. Anyway, I kick her out and tell her sister, if she wants a ride, come get a ride. That was ten years ago and I just got done last Tuesday....Now what was this shit about you throwing 4 first half interceptions in the first round of the playoffs. Your fucking horrible."

[Qwikshot]

Originally Posted by The Afoci

"Hey kid, come here. So you play QB for the company Flag Football squad. Yeah, I use to be the QB for UCLA. Fuck, I never attended classes, had a house on the beach and a bitch for every day of the week. Hell I would have went pro had I not been so good at selling sofas. I mean there comes a time that man has no choice but to make one and when God blesses you with the talent to fling a sofa to old ladies and a football 75 yards into a hurricane force wind, you got to decide. Well, I wanted to keep my knees healthy so here I am. Now I got a wooden leg now too, which is ironic, but fuck, what do you do kid? I was out in the sun, enjoying myself, drinking an ice cold brew when suddenly the bottom half of my leg just snapped right off. I guess God was getting jealous that I was getting so good. Hell, it was only the night prior to that that I had twins. Well sort of. I was chatting with this chick and she wanted the Terry B. like you couldn't believe. She was salavating, she was quivering, she was worshipping the toilets I took shits on, anyway, she wouldn't leave to come to my place without her sister. So anyway, we get to my home and the bitches sit on each side of me, but I forgot which one wanted the Big B. Next thing I know, I got the wrong one in bed, and somehow she is able to turn me down because she just met some dink. Anyway, I kick her out and tell her sister, if she wants a ride, come get a ride. That was ten years ago and I just got done last Tuesday....Now what was this shit about you throwing 4 first half interceptions in the first round of the playoffs. Your fucking horrible."

4 Stars!

[korme]

UPDATE! I DEMAND!

[The Afoci]

Sorry for the lack of updates, I am working on one that should be out soon. The holidays have actually provided me with too much material, this place is a gold mine. It is insane.

[korme]

can't wait

Originally Posted by Terry B.

I was chatting with this chick and she wanted the Terry B. like you couldn't believe. She was salavating, she was quivering, she was worshipping the toilets I took shits on..

Anyway, I kick her out and tell her sister, if she wants a ride, come get a ride. That was ten years ago and I just got done last Tuesday....

Seriously, those are the 2 funniest things I've read here in a long ass time.

[The Afoci]

Hey, kid, come here, the Terry B. has a story to tell you. Now you know I am a drinker, a pro at it, perhaps the best drinker known to man. So what I am about to tell you can't be told to anyone else. Never, ever. If Sandy E. found out, the Terry B. would be out on the streets again. Birthrates would sky rocket and I would recommend that you invest in condoms. After what I do to these women, they will never fuck without one again, but anyway. It was after bowling, well, let me go back further, when I left work. I headed over to the J at about 5. I had about 6 beers there then headed over to the alley around 6. Now it may have been the alcohol or the buds I picked up in Mexico back when I was in 'Nam, but I had my buzz going and fucking 300 games in my veins. Well, about four two for ones later, I saw you dinks walk in drunk like. Now after bowling and beer frames, the Terry B. was drunk. I navigated the glorious minivan home with my pizza left overs. Something was different though, something didn't make sense. The fucking garage door was closed tighter than a nun who had just been fingered by a giant. Unphased, I left the van in the yard and proceded through the side door. Now a man with a wooden leg should never have to walk on snowy grounds and then our kitchen floor. It was like a god damn ice rink. I suddenly had the legs of a deer on ice. I was stuck. Couldn't get up. It was horrible, and worse yet the fucking dog was coming towards me. That cunt never liked me. As I sat on the ground, watching the dog eat my pizza only inches from my head, the anger in me grew. But I couldn't let the anger get to me, I knew I had to get up and I had to get up fast. Well when I tried to get up fast I fell, made a loud noise that got Sandy E. up. She was about to put me through hell. Questions that I wouldn't know the answers to. Looks that I wouldn't understand. Slaps that would arouse me in unintended ways. And with my tennis elbow, that can be hell my friend. So when she asked what I was doing, I answered the only way I could. I AM FEEDING THE FUCKING HOBOS. I PUT A LITER OF VODKA ON THE PORCH WITH CHEESE SANDWICH. I don't remember what happened from there on other than someone helped stand me up and put me to bed. The fucking hobos aren't all bad. Now fuck man, what did you say about bowling 4 gutter balls in one game this week. Your fucking horrible.

[Poli]

Did I ever tell you about my friend named Lizzy?

[The Afoci]

no. do tell though. She must be interesting if she has to be mentioned here.

[Airhog]

Best. Thread. Ever.

[The Afoci]

“Turkey!!!! TURKEY!!!!! TURKEYMOTHAFUCKASSSSSS!!!! I AM THE GREATEST FUCKING BOWLER THE WORLD HAS SEEN MOTHAFUCKASSSSS!!!!”

“Terry B., sorry man but a turkey is three strikes in a row.”

“Shut the fuck up kid. Jesus Christ, you jinx me and its your fucking job….. Oh SHIT, I got robbed! BOYS! I GOT FUCKING ROBBED!?! What was wrong with that shot…?”

Now as often as Terry B. drank, it was very rare that he was in such good form as he was last bowling night. The Sandy E. had somehow had such a huge lapse in judgment that she gave Terry B. the whole day off. On bowling day. The bars open early.

“Boys… BOYS!!! I have gone blind, someone keep score. Point me towards the lanes boys. Point me towards the lanes…I can do this. Hell this isn’t the first time alcohol took my sight. It was prom night, don’t remember the year, but about the 12th one I had attended by the 8th grade and this chick was desperate. She needed the Terry B. like stink needed shit. But in my blind stupor, I couldn’t find her and laid the pipe to a beautiful life size Barbie doll. She didn’t walk right ever again. Ever mothafuckerasssses. So point me in the right direction so I can throw the rocks God gave me to throw tonight boys….”

“Kid, and you…get over here. You little fuckers are going to help me out tonight. Alright. I lost my sight but Sandy E. needs to get her loving still. You guys are going to have to guide my body into range so my 3 and ½ foot cock and do its deed. My hips made Elvis kill himself jacking off on the toilet. Knew I had him beat. So anyway, I was in the pisser just a moment ago and being blind and all, I figured I should sit down and piss. Well I didn’t realize the boner I had and pissed all over the wall…and to my fucking surprise as man screams out, you just spelled fuck her anyways you fucking blind mothafuckassss on the wall in piss. The Big Terry B. is telling me something….tonight is going to be special boys. Your jobs depend on it…”

[Poli]

Nice.

[The Afoci]

Alright now….boys…gather round here quick. I’ve got something to tell… hell of a job last month boys. We all hit the top bonus, we sold more furniture than Jesus and we’re better looking too. Well at least I am. Fuck, so what I want you to do tonight is to go out in your topless cars and drive around with your cocks hanging out in the wind. Oh boy, that boys is a great fucking experience. But be careful for bees if your allergic to them cause boys, the first time I fucking threw my 23 1/3 inch cock out the side window, letting it just hang to the ground and drag on the road as drove down a busy college road, it caused a three hour traffic delay to get the ladies to stop licking taste of me cock of the road. Some say it tastes like roses, some like a delicious steak, some even say it tastes like victory, but remember this, never suck cock boys. It tastes like shit…Because you are gay if you suck cock and that probably means his cock was in your butt and you poop out your butts boys, you poop out. But anyway, a bit down the road I got stung by a bee in my cock and my cock swelled up to the size of a large barrel. Next thing I knew I was on the mothafucking SWAT Team. I was busting down doors with me cock and had both guns drawn and shot about a buck fifty worth of scum bags. You know what I would say after I shot the scum bags…Scared’em with the cock, Shot’em with the glock….And then I grabbed their asses…

[Pumpy Tudors]

The Afoci is our R. Kelly.

[Ksyrup]

This thread is an argument both for and against specialized forums.

[Poli]

The Afoci rules. I hope he comes out to Africa.

[Fonzie]

Originally Posted by Ksyrup

This thread is an argument both for and against specialized forums.

And, perhaps, compulsory mental health treatment.

[Poli]

The death penalty and euthenasia get some play here as well.

[SFL Cat]

old school

[k0ruptr]

this thread is fukced uo.p

[Crim]

Originally Posted by Ksyrup

This thread is an argument both for and against specialized forums.

You, sir, are eminently quoteable.

[The Afoci]

For three days and three nights, Terry B. had disappeared. Things had started to look bad. Asses weren’t being grabbed. No stories of the beaches of UCLA and the ladies that worship the toilets he shits in. My mind started to feel different. Things weren’t the same anymore. I didn’t just randomly grab ladies hair, I stopped saying motherfucka at the end of every sentence. I wanted to kill myself…

[Qwikshot]

I thought you were dead.

[The Afoci]

Last I had heard of Terry B., he was going into the hospital to get some work on his ticker. Rumor has it that Terry B. was down at the Amish Settlement knocking up chicks. At number 471, he felt a pain in his arm, his cock tensed up and he clutched his chest. A secret government limo picked him up, stocked with beer and bitches and brought him to the hospital.

Now I suppose I could have asked what happened to him or called or something, but since I had to still deal with customers that take hours to decide if fabrics go with curtains and wall art frames and other bullshit, I was far too high to operate a phone. I decide that it was a mystery I could never solve.

That was until a lady walked in the store and asked for me by name. I had never seen her before and her looks made me wish I would never see her again. Her face looked strained and she was a complete mess. I would have guessed she hadn’t slept since the early eighties and showered only shortly after that. Her words were broken and she trembled when she finally stopped talking. The bitch was crazy, but she told me she had seen Terry B. three days prior. She told me he collapsed on a treadmill during some tests and they had to shave his balls and clear some arteries. He should be back to work soon. She can’t shake the images she seen that day. She can’t drive by light poles without thinking about him. She sees large boulders and gets flashbacks of chainsaws and ball sacks. But as quickly as she appeared, she turned and ran out chasing a semi carrying a large tower. I knew it wouldn’t be long until I heard for Terry B. I just had to hold on for a little longer…

[The Afoci]

It was bowling night, Wednesday night, and bowling wouldn’t be the same without Terry B. He came out of nowhere, and without saying a word walked by the team he hadn’t seen or spoken to in three days and three nights. He put on bowling shoes and gripped the red demon and stood ready to toss the rock. Everybody at the lanes stood back, some cried tears of joy, but we all watched in amazement as Terry B. threw three strikes in a row. Terry B. turned towards the lanes, still silent and raised his right hand to the sky. I felt a weird sensation come over my body, that shit finally kicked in, fuck, I am fucked, wait… I had to walk towards him. I looked up at his hand in awe… It was glowing, I swear when he brought his hand to my forehead and suddenly I began speaking in tongues. Tongues that all said GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE!!!! I had been blessed by the turkey. He truly is the greatest bowler in the history of the world motherfucka!


“Motherfuckas, gather round. Listen here bitches and bowlers, I have seen the light. So I was at the Amish gangbang where they all beg for my man juice to build an army of the greatest motherfucka sofa sellers you ever seen. My cock tensed up, my arm hurt, and my ticker started getting all fucked up. Next thing I knew they had me on a treadmill running as they were trying to figure out what the fuck happened to the greatest bowler you ever seen. Then I dropped, I thought it was over. I screamed I am not going to make, the nurses and doctors yelled stat or some shit. Than them nurses tried taking my pants off but had troubles getting around my huge cock. I told them careful, today I have the beast wrapped up and stapled to my left leg. It took fourteen of them take it out. They said that my main vein was so big, it could save my life if the stuck a snake up there and knocked out some shit. They would have to shave my balls, no easy task. Them bitches needed a chainsaw, a weed whacker and 5 gallons of nair. The crowd of nurses that had come to see my cock and try to save my life had grown to about a million. Each got a handful and they saved my life. Now fucking bowl motherfuckas!”

[korme]

YES!!!

[The Afoci]

“Motherfucka” says Terry B. “Motherfucka dial extension 10”

I hate the intercom system. He always embarrasses me on the intercom system. Terry B. was drunk. That was clear. He showed his cock earlier in the day. He busted the carpet. Knocked a hole in it at least 3 feet by 3 feet. The guy who knows equations said it was probably 13 footer. Plus he probably threw it down. Why was Terry B. angry?!?

So I might of fucked up a bit. Yep, I did. So I out sold the Terry B. by about ten grand the last 6 months each. I became sales manager and Terry B. became store manager. Sandy E. became operations manager. No one has ever heard of operations manager, but we realize that stores need blow jobs.

“I would fuck her. She is my cousin, not really related. Fuck my sister… Well I am sure my mom cheated, but my brother said the kid wasn’t his.”

I wish I was joking. I can’t. It hurts my insides worse than a chick in 1970 on the beaches near UCLA. And without the memories. And fear of toilets and baseball bat dildos.

He was pissed. Angry at his son that had took his job and wondering what drugs the bastard, which was me, had taken to clear his mind of what was going on. See furniture salesmen aren’t sober. Ever. You are rubbed numb by old ladies, but not in a good way. Her hands and dentures are not helping you get off. She is confused by the space she has, the fabrics, the fact that maybe her husband cares, but mainly she wants to fuck with my brain. She wants me to try and I can’t. Not sober, fuck you. Terry B. once fucked a chick from 10 feet away and she didn’t know. She was 65 and her vagina hung below her knee. By the time she had knew what happened the kid was 4. And had seen size D boobs. Daddy.

“He grabbed my ass!!!!” she said. She tried to wheel away, but the tires had been slashed….

[Young Drachma]

Wow.....I'm speechless. In a good way.

[The Afoci]

"That was the first and last time I cuddled after anal mothafucka...."

[korme]

The Afoci is back??

More importantly, the Terry B. has potential for return.

This is the greatest day in FOFC History.

[The Afoci]

"So kid...fuck an a kid.... I am hurting... the alcohol has taken me to the limits one last time... I ran into a muthafucking wall last night at top speed and and missed the light by a foot and a half....half a cock...or at least mine muthafucka....but let me tell ya something here, hold on one minute sucka, cuz the Terry B. about to tell ya a bit of a story...I mean a man don't miss the light by half a cock cuz something isn't up...

I had 33 beers in 23 seconds and was feeling fine muthafucka...I took the stairs to the basement and pissed in the shitter but wasn't satisfied...my bladder was stuffed like a pig in a china shop and the heat was stuck on 11. Cuz 10 is usually the highest...you following this shit...its as brilliant as your brain can handle...anyway so I down the 33 beers in 23 seconds and this lady came up to me...not knowing i aint got no switch, it can't be turned off...i tells her bitch....she says huh....moments later we in my chevy van...was mini til i got it and for selling the most mothafucking sofas you ever seen to a blind guy in the dark late one night...but anyway, kid you fucking following me here... the crack hit you hard didnt it.... dont talk to me when i am talking to you..... so the chick says shes a virgin and I says so was I except I haven't been a virgin since birth and i cant remember but i am fairly positive i fucking in the womb but now she says this and she is scared and i tell her that since it is her first time I will only give half... she says deal and suddenly i am rectum deep in a damn near killed em and she looks at me and says, give me all of it and i tells the lad, a deals a deal.... I cuddled...it was the first and last time I cuddled after anal..."

"I missed the light my son..."

"I am your girlfriend..."

"Fuck...I thought I was the God telling the Jesus whatup in the in the heaven..."

"You ran into the wall...."

"I missed the fucking light....Sandy help me fetch em...."