bringing kids to a party, but not that kind of party Rizon, it's for...

[Easy Mac]

so my wife and I were invited to a party this evening at one of her friend's house. My wife was told that we can bring our kid, because there will be other people there who have kids. The hosts do not have kids, and we don't know if anyone else is bringing a kid. I told my wife I'd love to go, but we have to leave the kid. We have yet to have any time without her around since she was born, and it would be nice to be around adults sans our kid. My wife has been vehemently against leaving her (my wife's parents live 5 minutes away) and doesn't see a problem with bringing her. I think it's rude to bring our kid, especially since the hosts don't have kids.

am I fighting a losing battle, as I seem to be squarely in the doghouse with my stance?

[Lathum]

How old is your kid?

Is she worried about leaving the kid alone?

TBH if the people said bring the kid there should be no problem with bringing the kid.

[Telle]

How old is the kid? My general rule was six months old or less and the baby went with me where I went, regardless of whether or not it was a "child-friendly" event. After six months, I was comfortable leaving the kid with family members.

Since your child was invited, you could really go either way on this. Don't feel that it would in any way be wrong to bring your child. But if you want to enjoy some time with your wife without her, then this might be a good opportunity.

[JonInMiddleGA]

The host said it's fine, I'm not seeing a problem as far as that goes.

I'll be honest here EM, since you put this on the table, from your own words this sounds a lot more like you wanting to get time away from the child than anything to do with courtesy to the host. If I'm getting that vibe strongly from a short paragraph, it doesn't seem unreasonable to think your wife may have picked up on the same thing.

Unless it's handled properly (i.e. talk that through with her, skip any b.s. about other reasons), you could end up in the doghouse deeper than you would otherwise.

[Mustang]

Without knowing if other people are bringing their kids and the hosts don't have kids, that suggests that there is a good percent chance that your kid is going to be bored and you will be spending most of your time trying to keep them entertained and out of the way of other party goers which doesn't seem like much fun.

edit: I was assuming the child is older and would interact with other kids. If still < 1 year, a little different

[Tigercat]

Originally Posted by Easy Mac

I think it's rude to bring our kid, especially since the hosts don't have kids.

Agreed, unless the hosts are big lovers of kids. (In the good of course.)

Originally Posted by Easy Mac

am I fighting a losing battle, as I seem to be squarely in the doghouse with my stance?

In these cases, there are no winning battles.

[johnnyshaka]

How old is your kid? Could there be a little postpartum depression going on??

Personally, we have a 4 year old and a 2 year old and my wife jumps at the chance to have a night out at every opp. We have lots of family around who love watching the girls for a few hours here and there (even for nearly a week while we were out of town for a wedding!) and it's been that way since the first one was born.

I think it's healthy to be without the kids once in a while...for you guys as well as your kid.

[Easy Mac]

our daughter is 9 months old. My wife is aware I want to spend some time around adults, and I know her parents (who would watch our daughter) want to watch her.

[Mustang]

Originally Posted by Easy Mac

our daughter is 9 months old.

This explains alot.

I don't see you winning this one. Give it a little bit more time and your wife will be wanting to have the bum on the corner babysit just to get away for the evening.

[Swaggs]

I don't think the issue is whether or not to bring your daughter, since it seems clear that the host has said it is alright. I think that, if you have a suitable babysitter (or even better, family), it is fine to leave her for a few hours. Unless your in-laws are not interested in the child (which would be hard to believe), I think it is a good opportunity for them to get to be around their grandchild and give you guys a break.

[Telle]

Originally Posted by Easy Mac

our daughter is 9 months old. My wife is aware I want to spend some time around adults, and I know her parents (who would watch our daughter) want to watch her.

Will this be your wife's first time going out without the baby? If so, it really is time. Just explain to her that you'd like some time with her without the little one, and that it really is healthy to take some time away from your child. Maybe get her parents to tell her how much they'd enjoy watching your daughter.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by Easy Mac

My wife is aware I want to spend some time around adults, and I know her parents (who would watch our daughter) want to watch her.

That's fair enough, your phrasing just really sent a red flag of warning to me that there could be other doghouse issues in play here.

[stevew]

Don't bring the kid.

[Easy Mac]

Originally Posted by Telle

Will this be your wife's first time going out without the baby? If so, it really is time. Just explain to her that you'd like some time with her without the little one, and that it really is healthy to take some time away from your child. Maybe get her parents to tell her how much they'd enjoy watching your daughter.

It is the first time she's been away from our daughter for an extended period of time (aside from day care). Her parents are always asking if we want to go anywhere so they can watch her. I really love my daughter, and miss her every day I'm at work. I also really don't enjoy dinner parties or social gatherings in general, so I thought my wife would understand how me being interested in going could be an additional signal that I think we need time to not be parents.

[molson]

Originally Posted by Easy Mac

It is the first time she's been away from our daughter for an extended period of time (aside from day care). Her parents are always asking if we want to go anywhere so they can watch her. I really love my daughter, and miss her every day I'm at work. I also really don't enjoy dinner parties or social gatherings in general, so I thought my wife would understand how me being interested in going could be an additional signal that I think we need time to not be parents.

Your stance is completely reasonable. I hope you can find a way to win this battle, if not here, soon. I think being capable of giving up the kid on occasion is extremely important to the well-being of parents, and a marriage.

[flere-imsaho]

I don't think convincing your wife to not bring the child to a party where the hosts have basically requested that you bring the kid, and where other kids will be present, is a winning strategy.

But convincing your wife that taking an occasional break to go out alone (the two of you) for adult activities, is certainly healthy.

I'm not sure how you do this, though, since (luckily) my wife & I were on the same page about this from the beginning. I know we carve out, at the bare minimum, every other Saturday to go out sans baby, and have done since Sam was 6 months old. This has also allowed us to develop a stable of babysitters. If you have keen in-laws, you could also do this, guarantee them baby-time, and save yourself a bundle.

[JediKooter]

Tell your wife to cut the umbilical cord already. Women are very understanding of statements like that and I'm sure she will change her mind and have your parents watch your daughter while you guys go to the party.

[molson]

I got depressed when babies started showing up at parties I went to. You know it's all over then. Might as well pick out a burial plot.

[wade moore]

Originally Posted by JonInMiddleGA

The host said it's fine, I'm not seeing a problem as far as that goes.

I'll be honest here EM, since you put this on the table, from your own words this sounds a lot more like you wanting to get time away from the child than anything to do with courtesy to the host. If I'm getting that vibe strongly from a short paragraph, it doesn't seem unreasonable to think your wife may have picked up on the same thing.

Yeah, I'm with Jon here, seems you're saying one thing when you mean another.

This has nothing to do with the hosts - so I wouldn't try to convince your wife of that because you're in the wrong there. This is about you wanting to have adult time. That's what she needs to understand.

I do not have kids and have had some get togethers where I encourage kids to come, some where I say no kids. When I encourage them, part of my goal is to get more families out that aren't as able to come out when kids are not allowed. This allows the kids to pretty much interact and let the grownups be grownups - probably a bit tougher with a 9 month old - but the point is if the host says kids are welcomed (and maybe even encouraged) I would take them at their word.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by flere-imsaho

I'm not sure how you do this, though, since (luckily) my wife & I were on the same page about this from the beginning.

I'll +1 the luck on having both parents land on the same page about this. Avoided any real issues about it whatsoever.

[Rizon]

Bring a 9 month old to a party? Absolutely not.

[Lathum]

Originally Posted by JonInMiddleGA

I'll +1 the luck on having both parents land on the same page about this. Avoided any real issues about it whatsoever.

+2, we have been going out sans child since he was 2 weeks old. We don't live near family but they have come and visited pretty consistently and when they do we leave him with the grandparents for a few hours so we can get out and be adults. I figure they did a fine job raising us so our kid will be just fine. However we haven't left him with any non family yet and he is 2 months old.

Originally Posted by Rizon

Bring a 9 month old to a party? Absolutely not.

Somehow I don't think this is the type of party you think it is.

[-apoc-]

Leave the wife at home with the kid problem solved. You are very welcome

[stevew]

a 9 month old is a baby, not a kid. If your daughter was like 3 or 4, I'd bring her. But not at 9 months.

[miked]

By 9 months old, our baby was crawling all over the place, pulling herself up on to whatever she could find, and trying to walk. Add to that her bedtime is between 7:30-8, and if she's up much later than starts to get mantic (a cross between manic and frantic). I couldn't imagine why anyone would want to bring a 9 month old to an adult party.

[Lathum]

Originally Posted by stevew

a 9 month old is a baby, not a kid. If your daughter was like 3 or 4, I'd bring her. But not at 9 months.

IMO it is far easier to bring an immobile 9 month old than a 3-4 year old who will get into everything.

[stevew]

3-4 year olds can communicate and are generally easy to entertain. I'd have never taken a 9 month old to a party and expected to have any kind of fun. Might as well sit on the couch and watch tv while holding them.

[Swaggs]

Originally Posted by Lathum

IMO it is far easier to bring an immobile 9 month old than a 3-4 year old who will get into everything.

Heh... Our 9-month old is no longer immobile. You have a big surpise coming your way in a few months.

By the way, Baby Bjorn is a life saver.

[Sun Tzu]

Yeesh. What the hell kind of party is it ok for a 9 month old to go to? Certainly not one that I'd want to be a part of.

[Rizon]

Originally Posted by Lathum

Somehow I don't think this is the type of party you think it is.

Not a key party??

Really though, I just can't see any type of "party" that would be a party with babies crawling around. A baby party maybe? A Mormon party? If a 9 month old came to one of our parties, it would more than likely end up drunk and on the roof and get pelted by ping pong balls.

[molson]

Originally Posted by Sun Tzu

Yeesh. What the hell kind of party is it ok for a 9 month old to go to? Certainly not one that I'd want to be a part of.

Boring adult parties.

You stand around and discuss your latest landscaping projects.

[Sun Tzu]

Originally Posted by Rizon

Really though, I just can't see any type of "party" that would be a party with babies crawling around. A baby party maybe? A Mormon party? If a 9 month old came to one of our parties, it would more than likely end up drunk and on the roof and get pelted by ping pong balls.

I'm with Rizon.

I'm 28, married and make a decent living...which I believe makes me an adult, at least on the outside. If I went to a party where babies were crawling around, then I would just assume I was at the wrong house. Parties are where you go to get drunk and ramble on about random shit with other people who are drunk and rambling on about random shit.

Then, as Rizon mentioned, you break out the ping pong.

[Sun Tzu]

Dola

Sorry not trying to threadjack. If it were me man, I'd leave the kid at home. Keep in mind that it's possible the hosts said "you can bring your kid" just to be polite. It's possible that they wanted to invite you but didn't want it to sound like they were forcing you to leave the kid at home. Just saying.

[molson]

So what are the odds Easy Mac spends some time sleeping on the sofa in the near future? The skidding has started, the impact is imminent.

[Easy Mac]

I slept on the couch last night, but mainly so my wife could sleep, since the baby woke us up around 1:30 crying. The wife tried to handle her for about 45 minutes. I took the next 45, got her to sleep, then slept on the couch in case she woke up.

And we're not going to the party. She already told her friend no. The wife did decide to tell me a couple of minutes ago that another couple were bringing their child around the same age. I'm with the group that took kids to really mean "those that could occupy their time with minimal oversight."

[flere-imsaho]

Originally Posted by Sun Tzu

Parties are where you go to get drunk and ramble on about random shit with other people who are drunk and rambling on about random shit.

That's your only definition of party? Really?

[Sun Tzu]

Originally Posted by flere-imsaho

That's your only definition of party? Really?

Well, when I was single there were a *few* other things involved. Now that I'm married things have calmed down a bit.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by stevew

I'd have never taken a 9 month old to a party and expected to have any kind of fun.

Have taken mine, have been to ones where others brought their's but mine was elsewhere. More often than not, the babies were the highlight of the evening for at least half the people in attendance.

What's missing here, perhaps, is some context. Not suggesting we need it for this particular case mind you, but moreso about the propriety in general. The relationship of the host & the attendees seems like a key component in the social etiquette of things.

I mean, as an example, our next door neighbors in Monticello probably hosted more functions that I've attended in the past 15 years than anyone else. Never once did we go without my son, regardless of age. And they would have been incredibly disappointed if we had. He was as interesting & important to them as we were, that was just the nature of the relationship. By the same token, I'd never think of telling their (now married adult) children not to bring their kids to anything I invited them to, they are part of the package as far as we're concerned. Again, that's just the nature of the relationship between the families involved.

By the same token, some sort of social obligation event that involves someone that I know through business just for example, that's an iffier situation depending upon the event, their own child situation, etc. One of the few sales reps I've ever cared to see outside the office happens to be very kid-friendly & we've had lunch/dinner with both his kid & mine attending. Other reps, neither of us would likely do that, but then again I'm not likely to be interested in seeing them in person outside the office unless it were absolutely crucial to do so.

But to discuss this like there's a one-size-fits-all answer seems to ignore the reality that the individual relationships can make a lot of difference.

[Rizon]

Originally Posted by molson

So what are the odds Easy Mac spends some time sleeping on the sofa in the near future? The skidding has started, the impact is imminent.

Probably best for him to sleep on the couch for awhile. If he doesn't, he might end up with another kid that he doesn't want to bring to a party.

[wade moore]

There are some people in this thread that have a lot of maturing to do.

[Subby]

STARTING WITH WADE.

[Sun Tzu]

Originally Posted by wade moore

There are some people in this thread that have a lot of maturing to do.

...twisted and infantile...

[Subby]

I can't believe your kid is 9 months old and you guys haven't done something like this yet. Respite is not a bad thing - it doesn't make you a bad parent in any way.

[JediKooter]

WELCOME TO PARENTHOOD!!

[Rizon]

Originally Posted by wade moore

There are some people in this thread that have a lot of maturing to do.

I don't think so. I'm the CFO for the company I work for, and my fiance is a country-wide trainer of client software for one of the largest broker firms in the world. Between us we own three houses. We have no credit card debt. Most of my days start at 6am and end at 10pm. Hers at 4:30am and end at 5pm. My definition of a party is letting loose, drinking some beers, playing some beer pong and having a non-destructive good time. Nobody gets arrested or breaks things. But the last thing I want to hear or try not to trip over is some floor-dwelling crumb-muncher crying and stinking up the place with it's ass juice.

Now, if it's an adult get-together (not my idea of a party) ... some wine-sipping and cheese-eating, yeah, bring your little laugh/shit-factory. That's fine. I might even hold the little womb-critter ... and without worry of dropping it or thinking it's a pong ball.

[Sun Tzu]

Don't mess with Rizon. He's from Oaktown. This is what he looks like when you get him angry.

[Lathum]

I don't think anyone needs to grow up at all, people are just at different stages in their lives.

I used to be like Rizon. Go out at ten and come home at six. Now that I have a kid it is the exact opposite. I can see both sides and don't think it has anything to do with growing up.

[Rizon]

Exactly. You bring a 9 month old to a party here ... and if that little world of snot isn't packing some heat, it's gonna get capped. And then you're gonna have a very angry 14 year old baby mamma.

[Sun Tzu]

To be fair to Rizon and having grown up mostly in the SF/Oakland bay area, parties there are a lot different than most places. I haven't been to any parties in or around Williamsburg, VA...but I'm pretty sure they're a lot different than the ones in Oakland.

I'm afraid to go to Oakland...afraid.

[Lathum]

To be fair Rizons descriptions of children probably aren't buying him any support with the "need to grow up" contingent.