Real Life - Toddzilla's wife comes home

[Toddzilla]

For the backstory to this "dynasty" please read the thread "I had to commit my wife to the hospital for psychiatric evaluation"

My wife got the happy news this morning that her blood tests looked good and she is free to come home! I picked her up about 11AM and after a quick stop at Arby's, we are both home together for the first time in almost 2 weeks. She returns home with a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder and is prescribed 2 medications, Depakote and Zyprexa. I've got very mixed feelings about her return home, because even after the long stay in the hospital, she isn't herself. The psychiatric ward of the hospital is for acute care only, so their only responsibility was to get her to a place where she no longer poses a threat to herself or others. While I agree that she is most likely no longer a physical threat to do something unpredictable (like walk into traffic, jump off the roof, or something equally horrific to our daughter), it is the mental part of this that I dread. For the most part, she is going to be excruciating to be around, because she still - after all of this - doesn't believe she was ever that sick, doesn't believe she needs therapy, and doesn't believe she needs medication. She is absolutely convinced that she is right all of the time, and cannot tolerate being questioned or contradicted. That could be a very big issue as she begins to resume her responsibilities as a mother. I'm going to have to assume most of the parenting for a while I imagine.

Already, my wife has lashed out at my mother - who dropped everything to come stay with my daughter and me for 2 weeks - and basically forced my mom to go home. She left about an hour ago. Not a good beginning, but not unexpected I'm afraid. My other close support, my wife's sister-in-law, is leaving town on Sunday, so I'll be on my own very soon.

I sent my wife and sister-in-law to the pharmacy to fill my wife's meds to give me a half-hour to decompress and collect my thoughts. My wife has already talked about ending her out-patient care after one week (it doesn't even start until Monday) and going back to work after that. She's already made plans for new furniture in the house, new carpet, a few vacations, a makeover, a ski-trip, a family drive through the Midwest - IMO, she's already pushed the snowball off the top of the mountain, and it's getting bigger by the second. She doesn't have a therapist lined up, she doesn't have a psychiatrist lined up, and I'm scared already.

I honestly have no idea how this is going to turn out. I know there are going to be many many ups and downs, much higher and lower than what I'm used to. I'll try my best to stay grounded, but for the most part my immediate support system goes away in 2 days. Wish me luck.

[DolphinFan1]

I'll be praying for you and your family. God Bless!

[Ksyrup]

I hope this thread provides the emotional outlet and helpful/encouraging feedback that you need to get through this. We're all pulling for you and your family.

[condors]

good luck!

[King of New York]

Good luck, TZ. Lots of folks will be reading and pulling for you.

[EagleFan]

You and your family have been in my prayers and will continue to be. This may either be therapy or a painful reliving of the situation by posting here so please do not feel like you need to continue the thread if it begins to get too hard for you.

[Izulde]

Good luck, Todd.

One of the biggest struggles will be getting her on the medication and, most importantly, getting her to stay on it.

That's the hardest part of treatment for bipolar disorder. It's one thing to get started on medication, which can be difficult enough in and of itself, but it's another thing entirely to stick with it, particularly for bipolar people.

The feeling becomes, "Well, I feel fine now. Life is cool so I don't need to take the medication anymore."

Six months later, it's back to needing medication again.

For what it's worth, you may be able to take comfort in the fact that your experiences have caused me to re-examine things and decide to start taking my own medication again after a year off of it.

[Toddzilla]

Originally Posted by Izulde

Good luck, Todd.

One of the biggest struggles will be getting her on the medication and, most importantly, getting her to stay on it.

That's the hardest part of treatment for bipolar disorder. It's one thing to get started on medication, which can be difficult enough in and of itself, but it's another thing entirely to stick with it, particularly for bipolar people.

The feeling becomes, "Well, I feel fine now. Life is cool so I don't need to take the medication anymore."

Six months later, it's back to needing medication again.

For what it's worth, you may be able to take comfort in the fact that your experiences have caused me to re-examine things and decide to start taking my own medication again after a year off of it.

Wow. That's heavy, man. If I've been able to in any way be a positive influence on you and your wellness, then I am honored. I'll be thinking about you and pulling for you and your family.

[FrogMan]

best of luck TZ, I'll be reading and keeping your family in my thoughts.

Hang in there.

FM

[KevinNU7]

Best of luck Todd

[Cringer]

I haven't posted in the other thread before, but I have followed it. Best of luck to you man.

[gkb]

I'll be reading along and praying for you and your family Todd. Hang in there man.

[Eaglesfan27]

Good luck, Todd. I'll continue to follow this thread and pray for you and your family. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.

[vtbub]

Continue to know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

You have done and incredible job in handling this.

(You too, EF.)

[Drake]

Todd,

Two (hopefully) helpful suggestions -- one from me and one from my wife:

1. If you don't already have it, take complete control of your finances. You don't want to be dealing with bankruptcy on top of all of this. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

2. My wife suggests that you should videotape her or audio tape her when she's out of control (especially if she's on an angry tirade) and then have her listen/watch later when she's more stable. My wife says that watching our family's old Christmas videos and seeing herself more or less ruin Christmas morning year after year with her over-the-top behaviors was a real turning point for her in realizing how out of control she was and how much help she needed. Obviously, you'll want to be sensitive to the "right" time to have her watch these, but you seem like a pretty stand up guy, so I wouldn't expect that to be a problem.

If it means anything, I've been where you're at, starting up that mental cost/benefit analysis of staying in the marriage when you suddenly come to the realization that you can no longer trust the judgment of this person who was supposed to be your life partner and primary support system. It takes time, but things do get better. Try to stay strong, and we'll keep praying for you.

[Drake]

dola...

And for God's sake, unless your wife is radically different than mine, don't let her know that you're posting this stuff on the internet. I made that mistake once when my wife was still ragingly manic.

[NoMyths]

Continuing to send good thoughts through this tremendously difficult time, Todd.

Great advice, Drake.

[Bad-example]

Still sending positive thoughts your way. I can relate to some of what you are going through. Stay strong.

[BYU 14]

Continued Prayers for you and your Family Todd.....

[Coffee Warlord]

Todd, I usually don't post in these kind of threads, primarily 'cause I've always felt anything I say is just totally inadequate.

But, I've been following this since you originally posted, and I absolutely wish you and the family the best. Things will work out. It may take quite awhile, there's gonna be plenty of moments of suck to come, but just stay positive and realize that Things Will Get Better.

[path12]

Originally Posted by Cringer

I haven't posted in the other thread before, but I have followed it. Best of luck to you man.

Ditto. Best to you all.

[BigDPW]

Todd, I am continuing to keep you in my thoughts and prayers!

[Toddzilla]

First update in a while - my dynasties always sucked

Anyway, it was an awful weekend. Contentions, tense, and aggravating. To this point, she still believes completely that she wasn't sick, didn't need to go to the hospital, and she doesn't need to stay on medication. Sigh. She still wants to go through with a bunch of plans - all expensive, including getting a new car - and every attempt to start a discussion only ended in an argument.

Fortunately, someone even more combative and angry came to visit - my father-in-law. And believe it or not, he chilled her out. I know my wife missed her dad, even though they never seem to get along, but when he showed up, the tension just disappeared. I think that I find myself in the role of mediator when those two are together, so now that I wasn't in her gun sights, I could relax, and things got appreciably nicer.

My wife still wants to plan out every excruciating detail of our day down to the minute, and I had to step in yesterday and say that after our daughter's Adaptive Gymnastics class (with bonus video footage goodness) we were going to just go out and grab an early dinner and go home and relax. And we did - kinda.

My wife has also had a terrible time sleeping. She's asleep for no more than 3 hours at a time and she gets up in a panic in the middle of the night a few times. Last night (~3AM?) she scared the crap out of me when she came over to my side of the bed and turned on the lamp on my nightstand looking for her glasses. "Sweetheart, your glasses are on your nightstand," I told her. "Oh, OK," she replied, put her glasses on, and wandered downstairs.

Today is the first day of her outpatient therapy, 9AM-3PM, and she's pretty scared. Which is good. I think she realized this morning, finally facing some real therapy, that she's got a work to do and a ways to go. It seemed to humble her as I walked her from the car up to the outpatient center. I let her know that I'll never give up on her, and I'll be here for her when she's done today.

[EagleFan]

Cute video, you look like a very good father (hey, I may be able to get that out of a couple second clip). Again I wish you the best with that situation. Don't worry about the lack of posts as you have more imporatnt things to take care of. Oh, and as was mentioned do not let your wife know about this if you choose to continue as it just might set her off very badly.

Also, I bet you my dynasties suck worse that yours!!!!

[Drake]

That sounds so much like my wife's relationship with her mother, Todd. With any luck, your FIL will be able to get through to her in a way that you can't (assuming he really grasps what is going on -- my MIL refused to accept that my wife was bipolar and at first and was constantly telling her that she'd be fine if she just stopped taking "all of those weird medications").

Anyway, take this time to ease through the transition while you've got some help around the house. With her therapy starting today and the meds beginning to stabilize her, she should start to come around in the next few weeks. I'm glad to hear that you won't be going through all of it alone.

[Toddzilla]

Holy cow, I can't get any sleep.

Yesterday after outpatient, my wife and I had a chat with her nurse about the long-term medication plan. My wife mentioned that she wasn't sleeping well, ands I was only too happy to back that up. The nurse asked if my wife was taking anything to help her sleep, and unbeknownst to me, she was - 2 Benadryl. 1 of them usually knocks her out, but 2 of them seemed to put her to sleep for a few hours, and then she was up again. I know this because she was usually up asking me for something or looking for something near me (see last post).

Anyhow, last night on the advice of the nurse, my wife didn't take anything and she fell asleep fin about 10:30. However, she was "waking up" all through the night to ask me questions and strange stuff, like "when can we go downstairs and talk?" and "is it community time yet?" I think she was sleepwalking / talking. One time she got out of bed and started for the door. I told her to stopo and asked where she was going. "To the bathroom," she said, and I told her she was going the wring way. She goes to the potty and on the way back she heads for the door again. "Where are you going now?" I asked. She replied, "To get you," then she came back to bed. It's all very strange. Some of the times she was just talking nonsense, I couldn't understand it. She would sit up in bed and just start rambling, so I'd sit up and put my hand on her shoulder, and that would seem to snap her out of it. Needless to say, I got about 2 hours of good sleep last night - I can't imagine what my wife got, and since she's manic, she *really* needs her sleep. I don't want to wait 2 or 3 days of this before the doctors decide to do something about it, so I'm going to ask the nurse for some kind of sleep-aid for my wife.

Yawn.

[Eaglesfan27]

That sounds very rough. I would agree that waiting is not a good idea and that you should continue to be a strong advocate for your wife in trying to find a medication that helps her get the sleep that she needs.

[Toddzilla]

A sorta-sad moment yesterday...after my wife got back from out-patient care, I skipped out of work early and we picked up out daughter and went to the gym to go swimming. Something we've been intending to do all week. We were having a great time. There's a big waterslide at this pool, so my wife and I took turns watching the kid while the other hit the slide. Well, when I left for the slide, my daughter freaked out - didn't want me to leave. When my wife came back from the slide, my daughter didn't want to go to her. My wife thought this was odd, but nothing specific, so she went into the spa for few minutes. My daughter and I played in the pool, but when my wife came back, my daughter didn't want anything to do with her. She didn't want to play with her mom, didn't want mom to hold her, she seemed genuinely afraid. The look on my wife's face was heartbreaking. I knew why my daughter was acting like this - she's scared of my wife juts like I am...

My wife cannot be disagreed with. I can't contradict her, argue with her, present a different point-of-view, or say "no" to anything she wants without her getting real angry and starting an argument. This is probably how my daughter feels - if she does anything mom doesn't like, she knows she's gonna get yelled at. I've had to interject more times this past week and tell my wife to back off or tone her voice down with my daughter than I've had to the past 5 years.

The Depakote is supposed to act as a mood stabilizer, and I guess it has, since it's stabilized her on "really bitchy". I know, I'm an ass for saying that, but that's how it's been.

[MIJB#19]

Stay strong!

[JeeberD]

I'm rooting for you guys, Todd. Best of luck and stay strong!

[Eaglesfan27]

Originally Posted by Toddzilla

My wife cannot be disagreed with. I can't contradict her, argue with her, present a different point-of-view, or say "no" to anything she wants without her getting real angry and starting an argument. This is probably how my daughter feels - if she does anything mom doesn't like, she knows she's gonna get yelled at. I've had to interject more times this past week and tell my wife to back off or tone her voice down with my daughter than I've had to the past 5 years.

The Depakote is supposed to act as a mood stabilizer, and I guess it has, since it's stabilized her on "really bitchy". I know, I'm an ass for saying that, but that's how it's been.

If your wife really recognized that look on your daughter's face, it could be a blessing in disguise. It could lead to her being more motivated to keep taking the medication. Also, as you already mentioned, hospitals now a days only treat critical patients and release them before they would have come in years gone by. The medication is still going to need time to really work. Of course, that makes things very difficult on you and your family. Stay strong.

[Mizzou B-ball fan]

Still reading. Be strong for your kid. You're her biggest ally right now.

[Toddzilla]

My daughter, despite her disability, is pretty sharp. She is picking and choosing her interactions with her mom. For example, Mom has been the first choice for baths and getting out to bed - quiet times when the purpose is to relax.

[Toddzilla]

We have a family-counseling meeting today during my wife's out-patient therapy. We're going to go through our family histories, as far back as we can recall. I've got a good handle on my mom's family, not so much with my dad, and my wife supposedly got some info last night. This is going to be interesting, sine I *know* that my family, esp. on my mom's side, has a long documented history with depression. I found out this morning that each of my mom's 3 siblings have been hospitalized for depression and attempting suicide. Whoa. My mom has issues too, but not that severe. I've always been aware of my condition and have been very quick to get myself to a doctor and/or therapist when I've started to feel real down. I think going through the exercise today will be helpful, but I'm also anticipating my wife using this as an opportunity to pint the finger at me as the source of the problems. Sheesh - even last night, while she was calm about it, she was still maintaining she was never really that sick and she should have avoided hospitalization and medication. I guess that was her diplomatic and roundabout way of blaming me for where we are now.

[NYFAN]

I know it has been said many of times on the board, but don't question your decision, you did the right thing. The fact that she can't appreciate that simply goes back to the illness.

[CamEdwards]

Yeah, you absolutely did the right thing. Stay strong Todd, and I hope things keep improving.

[Toddzilla]

Still riding the rollercoaster....

It seems hour by hour, I don't know what really to expect from my wife. She can be pleasant one minute, then raging mad the next, then the next minute she's fine and doesn't understand why I'm reacting to her the way I am. So, I've got to keep my distance, try to be agreeable and pleasant, and not do anything to set her off. As such, I find myself not really able to carry on a real conversation with her. I'm basically just smiling and saying "yes, dear, sounds great dear" while making sure she doesn't decide we need to pack up and move by the end of the week. I've been pretty firm from day one about not allowing wither of us to make any real big life-impacting decisions, so she knows not to ask.

Her outpatient therapy is from 9AM to 3 PM every day, and since that is her schedule, she expects that to be my schedule, and that completely screws up my work hours. I've been working from home, but I've got to get back into the office for some face time and to regain some sanity.

Oh, and have I mentioned the sleep-walking and sleep-talking? Well, it sucks, and getting any rest has been impossible. I find myself not really getting any sleep, because I'm expecting my wife to bolt out of bed at a moments notice. Factor that with a 4-year-old who wakes up at the crack of dawn, and I could really use a nice, long 48-hour snooze.

[Flasch186]

hang in there buddy!!

[Toddzilla]

The sleeping has gotten much better this week. As my wife is getting used to the medications, she is sleeping through the night now, more-or-less.

Unfortunately, getting used to the medications is starting to make her manic again. She's been calling home-improvement contractors to come give us estimates on a new bathroom, a new garage, and to update our kitchen. I guess estimates aren't bad, but we haven't won the lottery. I've tried to tell her, but she is back in the place where she won't listen to anything I say. Conversations consist of her talking and complaining, then her leaving when I start to talk. It is getting eerily reminiscent of the days before I took her to the hospital. Even her doctors and nurses in her out-patient program have told her she is very close to the point where they need to consider bringing her back to in-patient. Am I a bad husband for secretly wishing they would? No, they can't. She doesn't have the signs of her psychosis anymore. Actually, she's acting more like she was the first day or two *after* she was hospitalized. Angry, confused, distrustful, belligerent, she'll say or do anything to divert the attention form the fact she is sick and needs help. She has even started her plans to try and hospitalize me. She brought home some literature for Severe Depression and is constantly reciting the symptoms every time she sees me exhibit one. For example, I didn't know where we had put away our daughter's new pajamas. My wife found them:

"See? Forgetfulness is a sign of depression. You really need to get help."
"Because I didn't know where you put her new pajamas a few months ago? Whatever."
"Whatever? Irratibility is another sign."
"OK, you're right. I'll seek help."
"You sure have an 'us vs. them' mentality. They told me that is why I needed to go back to in-patient, so you definitely need in-patient care, too."
"No, sweetheart, right now I have an 'us vs. you' mentality."

I know, not the nicest way to end a conversation, but hell....

[SFL Cat]

You sound like you're being quite the trooper in a very tough situation. I'm rooting for you.

[Toddzilla]

Thanks, dude. It seems like - with just me and my wife at home - I find myself questioning my actions and motives. She's saying I'm crazy - am I? She says I'm being unreasonable - am I? She says I'm unsupportive - am I?

I'm tired of being labeled as "Unsupportive" juts because I either disagree or don't give in to what she wants. I don't know if this is they way bipolar people act when they are just starting medication, or if this is just her personality. It's like the old Steve Martin joke about people who use cocaine. "They say it enhances their personality. Oh really? Well what if you're an asshole?"

Fortunately, yesterday she and I had a session with one of the psychiatric nurse practitioners in her out-patient therapy. It was confrontational as times, especially when we didn't see eye-to-eye. For the most part - actually every single time - the nurse agreed with me that I was being reasonable and calm, and my wife was jumping to conclusions and either not listening to what I said or not being honest about what I said. I asked her if she could come home with my wife to keep an eye on us. She said no.

And that is why I write this dynasty - to get the honest feedback that I need. Thanks again.

Yeah - a lot of venting today - it's been a rough 24 hours. I need some help myself and so I'm going to see a therapist on my own starting Monday. I can't wait for her to get her act together anymore.

[path12]

Originally Posted by Toddzilla

Yeah - a lot of venting today - it's been a rough 24 hours. I need some help myself and so I'm going to see a therapist on my own starting Monday. I can't wait for her to get her act together anymore.

Smartest thing you can do. Good luck with it.

[dawgfan]

Hang tough Todd. Ultimately your first priorities have to be your daughter and yourself. It sounds like you're doing the best you can in a very difficult situation, and you have my admiration. Good luck (and good decision) with the therapy.

[Eaglesfan27]

Originally Posted by Toddzilla

Thanks, dude. It seems like - with just me and my wife at home - I find myself questioning my actions and motives. She's saying I'm crazy - am I? She says I'm being unreasonable - am I? She says I'm unsupportive - am I?

I'm tired of being labeled as "Unsupportive" juts because I either disagree or don't give in to what she wants. I don't know if this is they way bipolar people act when they are just starting medication, or if this is just her personality. It's like the old Steve Martin joke about people who use cocaine. "They say it enhances their personality. Oh really? Well what if you're an asshole?"

Fortunately, yesterday she and I had a session with one of the psychiatric nurse practitioners in her out-patient therapy. It was confrontational as times, especially when we didn't see eye-to-eye. For the most part - actually every single time - the nurse agreed with me that I was being reasonable and calm, and my wife was jumping to conclusions and either not listening to what I said or not being honest about what I said. I asked her if she could come home with my wife to keep an eye on us. She said no.

And that is why I write this dynasty - to get the honest feedback that I need. Thanks again.

Yeah - a lot of venting today - it's been a rough 24 hours. I need some help myself and so I'm going to see a therapist on my own starting Monday. I can't wait for her to get her act together anymore.

When I was working with very disorganized patients with schizophrenia or very disorganized bipolar patients, I often found myself feeling a bit disorganized when I was done interviewing them. I was only interviewing them for an hour or maybe an hour and a half. I can't imagine how difficult it must be living with someone who is suffering from a very serious illness and often irrational as a result, but I imagine that I would feel that effect magnified and I might start feeling irrational myself. I imagine it would be like the slight disorganization I feel after interviews, multiplied by a hundred or a thousand. You aren't the first spouse who I've heard questioning themselves, and I think your awareness of the difficulty is a good sign of sanity


Continue to vent, or do whatever else you need here. I also think getting some therapy yourself to help deal with this stress is a good idea. Good luck and I'm continuing to pray for you and your family.

[Flasch186]

its just mind boggling that we, humans, can be so close, sometimes, to having one traumatic event trigger some stuff in that melon that makes us act completely different that that which we're used to. Amazing, and terrifying, all the same. Todd, hang in there man!! Im pulling for you and your whole family and I know that your wife will get better.

[Drake]

I know it's tough, Todd. Being accused of being crazy and unsupportive is, unfortunately, par for the course. You have to just ignore it and move on. Trust yourself and take care of yourself.

[Toddzilla]

Not much to talk about this past week - not much has really changed so far as attitudes, behaviors, etc. - but the doctors remind me it is still early. The doctors continue to tinker with my wifes medication, but no real substantive changes. In the medicines or her.

One of the psychiatrists in the out-patient program suggested was for my wife and I, one a night before bedtime, to take 5 minutes each to talk about what is on our minds. How we feel, how our day was, our fears, our accomplishments, stuff like that. We started it last Friday and only got through Sunday because each time we did this, it would end with my wife getting steaming mad and leaving the room. We never even make it through all 15 minutes. Sigh. Maybe we'll try again next week.

Procedurally, things are changing. The out-patient program ends for my wife next Monday, at which time she'll be under the care of a private psychiatrist and a therapist. This is where things get scary for me, because there is no real way for me to make sure she's seeing some one or taking her meds without seeming like an untrusting nosey jerk. Now, I'll get a call if she doesn't show up (which happened once when she took time off to take our daughter to a concert - which I knew about). Next week she could be going shopping for all I know. I'll have to be a nosey jerk. I'll *have* to.

As for me, I saw my therapist on Monday and it went well. I'm hoping to work on some coping skills for living with a bipolar spouse who acts like they love you or they hate you depending on which way the minute-hand on her watch is pointing. I also know I've got depression in my family history (seriously, I asked my mom about it and everyone on her side - every brother, sister, aunt, uncle, and grandparent was either treated for, hospitalized for, or died from depression. Good Grief.), so I'm going to see a psychiatrist myself very soon. Couples/Family therapy will wait until both my wife and I are doing well in our own therapies.

Also on the good side, I've started going back to the gym. Fortunately it has a huge kids playroom which my daughter loves, so it's pretty easy to grab the kid and head off to exercise. My wife and I work out together 3 times a week and I go an additional 1 or 2 times myself - mostly to clear the head and forget about work.

Not much to talk about

[wade moore]

Still thinking about you man, keep your head up.

[Eaglesfan27]

Originally Posted by wade moore

Still thinking about you man, keep your head up.

Same here. I'm glad you are getting help for yourself as well. Still keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

[BigDPW]

Originally Posted by Eaglesfan27

Same here. I'm glad you are getting help for yourself as well. Still keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

What he said! I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers as well!