Just another advice thread

[PilotMan]

I guess it's my turn to throw some thoughts out to the group because I feel like I'm stuck and I don't really know where to go from here.

Short of the long. My wife has a myriad of allergies and health issues primarily related to fibromyalgia and the assortment of other issues that women who suffer from it deal with. Food is a big deal. She has to be Vegan for health reasons, but is also allergic to honey and nuts. She has had pretty severe reactions to both recently within the last couple of years. However the switch in diet and exercise has allowed her to essentially rehab her body and experience life with little to no pain.

Fast forward to Monday. We had to celebrate our Christmas early because I had to go to work today. My mother was invited over, as she always is, for our family Christmas time. She and my wife only really co-exist within the same space. Let's just say my mom has some personality issues (married once, divorced once, single most of her life) that keep her from have a great relationship with her daughter in law.

Anyway, she was told what she should bring over and specifically asked not to bring anything over that contained anything that the Mrs would be allergic to. We have had to be ever more careful lately and she said she would do that, but she has never really gone out of her way to support my wife and the way that she (and our family in general) eats.

One of the things that my mom brought over was an apple cake that she and a friend of hers made. It was in the fridge and my wife moved it but got her thumb in it and without thinking just licked it off. Of course she tasted nuts, and realized that the whole cake had walnuts in it.

She took a massive dose of antihistamines to help the stem the reaction. She ended up with a full anaphalxis reaction. She didn't use her epi-pen but had the rest of the symptoms from tight throat to dizzy and hives. Pretty much knocked her out for the rest of the day.

I'm so pissed and a few hundred miles away tonight. I called my mom and yelled at her. Her excuse was that she simply forgot. I can't imagine that she would have done it on purpose. She and my wife had been talking about her sensitivities that day. Specifically about the nuts. How could she have forgotten?

I just don't quite know where to go from here. My mom apologized and I told her she should be lucky that she can say that to my wife. My kids were pretty scared. My mom took full responsibility but all she had to say was I'm sorry. I don't really know what I'm looking for in a response, but was still wasn't ok with it. It just didn't seem good enough.

I have a feeling that this was one of those relationship altering things. I don't know if I can forgive my mom and if I can, I don't know what it'll take or how long it'll be or what I'll need from her. I don't even know what I'm looking for in this thread. Just a place to vent my anger and frustration and fears. Thanks.

[MrBug708]

I've hard food allergies for over 25 years and my family still forgets. Not my immediate family but like grandparents and aunts and such.

But that sucks. I'm sorry man

[Lathum]

That is a tough one.

I for sure wouldn't let her ever bring over food again. I would gauge your wifes reaction and go from there.

[tarcone]

Im sorry this happened.

I would be careful about the whole not forgiving thing. Im sure you made a mistake or 2 in your life that negatively affected your Mom somehow. She seems to have forgiven you.

I would lay out the whole situation again. And do as Lathum said and not let her bring food over unless it is prepackaged.

Good luck. This is a tough one. Hope it turns out well.

[Suicane75]

I have the perfect solution, tell your mother to bring all her food to me.

[Buccaneer]

I, too, am sorry this happened. My son has severe (tree) nuts allergies and when we visit my family or we go out, I constantly have to remind everyone and himself to avoid such things or anything that could resemble such things.

[stevew]

Probably shouldn't be relationship altering but she should strictly be on paper plates and cups/bottled spirits and beverages detail henceforth.

[Desnudo]

Why does being married once and divorced once indicate personality issues? I don't understand how that related to her not having a great relationship with your wife.

It sounds like there's some previous issues you're not mentioning here rather than it being a one-of.

I'm a little less empathetic than others that your mom "forgot" that your wife is allergic to nuts while making a cake for your family with nuts in it. At best she lacked the consideration to think, "hey I need to think about the ingredients I put in food because my son's wife may be allergic." I think you're well within your rights to demand that she act differently next time and if she doesn't, then it's a real problem.

[PilotMan]

Originally Posted by Desnudo

Why does being married once and divorced once indicate personality issues? I don't understand how that related to her not having a great relationship with your wife.

It sounds like there's some previous issues you're not mentioning here rather than it being a one-of.

I'm a little less empathetic than others that your mom "forgot" that your wife is allergic to nuts while making a cake for your family with nuts in it. At best she lacked the consideration to think, "hey I need to think about the ingredients I put in food because my son's wife may be allergic." I think you're well within your rights to demand that she act differently next time and if she doesn't, then it's a real problem.

My mom was divorced by the time I was 2 and by the time I was born the marriage was effectively over. She poured her whole life into me, to my benefit, but also to my detriment. She developed quirks that a mate would have checked her on, but instead they were allowed to become part of her personality. All this fairly common to adults who are on their own for long periods of time.

There are previous issues for sure. One thing is that my mom has always been very jealous of pretty much any woman I've dated. Even after 15 years with my wife. She is passive aggressive without admitting it. She mutters things under her breath and she talks to my kids about her opinion on how we make decisions. The two of them had a major fight just after we got married and lots of things were said. Basically my wife was now my #1 and my mom didn't like it. She told her that she already had another woman picked out for me to marry. My mom once gave my wife a mothers day card addressed to "the woman my son loves." My wife has since given up trying to have anything more than a simple superficial relationship with her. Even after my mom had to live with us and my wife took care of her for 3 months after a knee surgery. My mom still was mean and angry that it wasn't me taking care of her full time despite us fixing up a room in the house for her and knowing full well that we are a 1 income family.

This is a bigger issue. I'm about at the end of my rope with her.

[cougarfreak]

I think you've let her have it over the phone, and be done with it. The most fortunate thing is your wife is ok. Your mom made a dumb mistake, but if she's never been vindictive, I'd leave it as a mistake. And I'd surely ask her next time she brought food over before she came in if she complied with what is necessary to keep your wife safe. My mom's been dead since I was 20, in 1992. I'd give anything to let her walk in with something I was allergic to.

[Ragone]

As someone who had to make a choice to remove parents
From their lives due to very similar issues.. My only advice pilot
Is to not drag it out hoping it will get better.. Make your decision
Together as a unit..

My parents did something potentially harmful and meant to
Do it. I really hope in your case that isn't true.. But I really
Don't think she forgot.. As with a lot of women who deal with
Fibromyalgia, people think they are taking it all in their heads

[PilotMan]

So my mom sent a very sincere apology text to my wife today. She again reiterated that she didn't mean anything by it and just forgot. That she was terribly sorry and promised nothing like that would ever happen again.

First of all I can't believe that she sent a "sorry I almost killed you; it'll never happen again" text. C'mon, even if you don't want to talk to them you are obligated to call anyway. Just another example of her lacking social skills.

I'm still pissed today. I need more time to process all of this.

[JAG]

Originally Posted by PilotMan

So my mom sent a very sincere apology text to my wife today. She again reiterated that she didn't mean anything by it and just forgot. That she was terribly sorry and promised nothing like that would ever happen again.

First of all I can't believe that she sent a "sorry I almost killed you; it'll never happen again" text. C'mon, even if you don't want to talk to them you are obligated to call anyway. Just another example of her lacking social skills.

I'm still pissed today. I need more time to process all of this.

Whatever the method used to convey the sentiment, the fact that she did when previously she had not seems like a significant step in the right direction in my opinion. She may have been too ashamed or embarrassed to have a conversation with her.

[MIJB#19]

It sounds like your mother had to see the dangers that your wife's allergy brings firsthand to realize the implications for your wife's well being (primarily) and the effect on your family (secondary). Assuming it was an honest mistake, baking a cake with forbidden ingredients isn't a simple 'oopsie'. Personal issues might have influenced any actions involved on your mothers' end, but it's been an undeniable refusal to 'play by the rules' and must be dealt with to avoid a similar situation in the future.

A solution could be to set a clear house rule: your mother does not bring any food when she visits (at least in the near future), anything she does bring along will stay outside and go immediately into the garbage can, no exceptions whatsoever. If she insists on contributing one way or another, either let her make a donation or come up with something non-food related.

[Desnudo]

Originally Posted by PilotMan

So my mom sent a very sincere apology text to my wife today. She again reiterated that she didn't mean anything by it and just forgot. That she was terribly sorry and promised nothing like that would ever happen again.

First of all I can't believe that she sent a "sorry I almost killed you; it'll never happen again" text. C'mon, even if you don't want to talk to them you are obligated to call anyway. Just another example of her lacking social skills.

I'm still pissed today. I need more time to process all of this.

Thank you for your previous post. I appreciate you opening up that way even on the internet. I don't know if I could.

For quid pro quo my father hasn't visited his grandson in two years and it drives me nuts. I have called him out on it recently and his response was we should come to him which made me furious. At the same time he sent a Christmas present for my son on time so I kind of take it for what it is.

My point is I would have a direct conversation with your mother about how she's behaving. If she won't accept that she needs to change then she can ship presents but she is not welcome at your house.

[timmae]

The situation sucks, no doubt. I have similar issues within my family and have dealt with this kind of stuff over the past 23 years. I have had to make it clear that my priority is my wife and that we decide on all things as a pair. Anything my mom does to me, and what she does to my wife, affects both of us.

I don't believe that the allergy mistake was intentional but at best it was in very poor judgment and no regard for your wife's feelings and wellbeing. My wife and I always plan ahead on what we are making and who we are making it for. In this case it is fine that she made the cake but when your mom thought about taking it to your house she only seems to have thought about you.

In my situation my wife and I have voiced our feelings about things that we have disagreed or taken issue with and have discussed it with my parents. It is up to them to adjust their actions how they feel fit. We have definitely altered how much and what kind of interactions we have with them base don what they have done to us in the past. It sucks at times to know that I had been much closer to them in times past but things change I guess.

[Dodgerchick]

OMG that's terrible! I don't know what else to say, except I'm sorry your wife is going through this. You guys are being way nice, I don't think I'd be able to forgive so easily, PilotMan's wife could have died, nut allergies are no joke. Not just that, but the kids were scarred from this 1 act. Her text IS a step in the right direction but, in my opinion, she has to do A LOT more to prove herself than a simple text. She's embarrassed, I get that, I guess. But if she acts like nothing happened, then I'd have doubts about the apology.

[PilotMan]

Originally Posted by Desnudo

For quid pro quo my father hasn't visited his grandson in two years and it drives me nuts. I have called him out on it recently and his response was we should come to him which made me furious. At the same time he sent a Christmas present for my son on time so I kind of take it for what it is.

Along those thoughts. This has pretty much been the story of my life. My Dad didn't come and visit me very much, always to him. Then used his wife's parents as a reason not to come saying they had to see them before they passed. Now that they are gone he has no excuses but still doesn't come. They did pay to fly my kids down over the summer for the first time ever but that was the first time they had seen them in 3 years. Keep in mind this is a couple that have airline benefits on 2 airlines. I know how you feel. I've been realizing now that they are much worse grandparents than his parents were to me. That sucks.

[PilotMan]

Originally Posted by timmae

The situation sucks, no doubt. I have similar issues within my family and have dealt with this kind of stuff over the past 23 years. I have had to make it clear that my priority is my wife and that we decide on all things as a pair. Anything my mom does to me, and what she does to my wife, affects both of us.

I don't believe that the allergy mistake was intentional but at best it was in very poor judgment and no regard for your wife's feelings and wellbeing. My wife and I always plan ahead on what we are making and who we are making it for. In this case it is fine that she made the cake but when your mom thought about taking it to your house she only seems to have thought about you.

In my situation my wife and I have voiced our feelings about things that we have disagreed or taken issue with and have discussed it with my parents. It is up to them to adjust their actions how they feel fit. We have definitely altered how much and what kind of interactions we have with them base don what they have done to us in the past. It sucks at times to know that I had been much closer to them in times past but things change I guess.

I know it's time to have a difficult conversation about the overall nature of the relationship between her and I and her and my wife. The problem is that she acts somewhat immature in that discussion and plays very innocent and has no idea what I'm saying. Or she just goes along with what I'm saying and then I worry that she'll make some other comment under her breathe to my wife that I can't hear. Sometimes she just stops talking and simply says "I don't want to talk about it." I don't think she can in this situation. She's going to have to hear me out.

We've altered our interactions with her over the years too. When she first moved near us 11 years ago we did many more things with her and included her on family functions. Things have been altered over the years and now we really only do dinner out 2 or 3 times a year or have her over for big family events. That's it. Frankly, that's really all that I care to have my wife endure. It's not that it's volital or rude or mean, it's just really, really awkward and uncomfortable. But always with the superficial niceties and small talk. Just awkward.

[PilotMan]

Originally Posted by Dodgerchick

OMG that's terrible! I don't know what else to say, except I'm sorry your wife is going through this. You guys are being way nice, I don't think I'd be able to forgive so easily, PilotMan's wife could have died, nut allergies are no joke. Not just that, but the kids were scarred from this 1 act. Her text IS a step in the right direction but, in my opinion, she has to do A LOT more to prove herself than a simple text. She's embarrassed, I get that, I guess. But if she acts like nothing happened, then I'd have doubts about the apology.

She isn't acting like nothing happened. She is well aware it was a big deal and that this is something that she just can't let go. My wife said that my 12 year old (the super responsible, perfectionist, overachiever) is still very stressed and worried about her. I guess he is basically lording over her every move. She just doesn't want him to feel that stressed. I have a feeling this is one of those things that he won't forget either.

[PilotMan]

Originally Posted by MIJB#19

It sounds like your mother had to see the dangers that your wife's allergy brings firsthand to realize the implications for your wife's well being (primarily) and the effect on your family (secondary). Assuming it was an honest mistake, baking a cake with forbidden ingredients isn't a simple 'oopsie'. Personal issues might have influenced any actions involved on your mothers' end, but it's been an undeniable refusal to 'play by the rules' and must be dealt with to avoid a similar situation in the future.

A solution could be to set a clear house rule: your mother does not bring any food when she visits (at least in the near future), anything she does bring along will stay outside and go immediately into the garbage can, no exceptions whatsoever. If she insists on contributing one way or another, either let her make a donation or come up with something non-food related.

This has been brought up a couple of times and it's something that I've already laid out to her. That she won't be bringing food over any more. I do think it was more of a thinking about me and not about my wife. I don't think she has ever seen us a unit. To her, my wife is still some interloper.

On the comment about seeing first hand. She has never actually seen (literally) what happens, but we have talked about times when things have happened. Even when I was going off on her the other night she said something like "well I've never seen what her reaction is" and she still asks why we have peanut butter in the house if it's such a big deal (that is changing, we are getting rid of it.) That says to me that she has thought about it, but brushed off it's importance because in her judgement it wasn't that big of a deal.

[PilotMan]

Originally Posted by Ragone

As with a lot of women who deal with
Fibromyalgia, people think they are taking it all in their heads

This is so true. She saw the pain and the walking with a cane. She saw the problems from the drugs. She also saw the recovery from the diet change and exercise, but I think she forgets that it was as bad as it was. And I think she has some jealousy with the fact that my wife was strong enough to get her act together and get healthy when it's something that my mom has spent 40 years trying to do and failed for as long. I've been trying to get my mom to admit that she needs help to achieve the goals in her life (health; mental and physical). I helped her a great deal with financial planning, but she needs to seek help for the other and really make a serious effort to change. That might involve spending a fair sum of money and while she could afford it she just doesn't seem willing to make that choice yet.

I've told her that literally I am the only person in her life that can hold her accountable for her actions. I am the only one who can call her out. If she won't listen to me what's left?

[molson]

Considering that background, you're handling this much better than I would.

For me, passive aggression is just the most insidious poison to families. Because it's hard to take it on, it's a means of doing terrible things to people without accountability.

[Warhammer]

I would point out to your mom that while you are her son, you chose your wife. If push comes to shove, you are choosing your wife and happiness with her over your mom.

She is not going to like it, but she needs to hear that.

[Desnudo]

Originally Posted by molson

Considering that background, you're handling this much better than I would.

For me, passive aggression is just the most insidious poison to families. Because it's hard to take it on, it's a means of doing terrible things to people without accountability.

When it's your mom I'm sure it's doubly difficult. I don't hold out a lot of hope for a leopard changing its spots this late in the game sadly.