At my wits end right now - The aftermath

[BYU 14]

OK, I don't usually post a ton of personal stuff here, but I guess now I need to vent, listen to a rational voice or something.

Last night my Wife and I were invited to a party that one of her co-workers were having. I declined because I was finishing up a project for work and then just wanted to relax. She went and said she would be home around 11, as she had to work this morning.

Long story short, I get a call early this morning waking me up from her Dad informing me she was arrested for a DUI on the way home. (she tried our number first and I didn't wake up) It was probably better this way, as I likely would have completely lost it with her. Reason, she received a DUI almost 6 years when we were dating and after that has driven at least 3 times when she should not have because she drank more than was prudent and my reaction has gotten progressively worse each time. She is responsible in every faze of life but this it drives me nuts. Don't get me wrong, it has only been 4 times including last night since her initial arrest, but to me it's 4 times too many as an adult who should know better.

The only time I ever have more than 1 or 2 Beers is when we are staying home because to risk an innocent persons life, your life or your future is just stupid. In addition, we are just getting back on our feet after a rough year financially that saw me lose a large amount of money in an investment and her suffer a layoff and 4 months of unemployment in the midst of the crappy economy. This and the associated costs, fines, etc is the last thing we need right now. I love my wife dearly, but this is almost inexcusable to me and I have a ton of things going through my mind right now.

1-Obviously relieved she is OK and just as important her actions didn't bring suffering to another family. I would hate to know that somebody innocent was injured or killed and it goes without saying if she had been hurt or worse our family would have been completely devastated. - This emotion wants to give her a big hug and tell her I am grateful that nothing bad happened her or others.

2-I feel guilty to a degree for not going with her as I would have driven and this would not have happened since I would have been driving and not been impaired. I know it is not my fault in any way, but I still can't help it. - This emotion almost wants to apologize for putting work before spending time with her knowing this would have been prevented and she would be working right now and I would be on here reading a dynasty or typing something a lot more light hearted.

3-What the hell are you doing girl. Why wouldn't you call for a ride, do you think I would have been pissed? Well I would have been annoyed, but I would have come get you. Can you honestly not tell when you are in no shape to drive? Are you too stubborn to acknowledge you were impaired? Do you just not give a F*** about your family or the families of other people on the road??? - This emotion is obviously pissed at her doing this and has had enough, almost to the point of saying fix it, get help or we are through if it ever happens again. You need to be responsible!

In the end probably all three of the emotions above will factor in to how I confront this when I finally see her to some degree. The trick is to balance them all correctly and that is what I need to think about now. Of course the end result needs to be that this never happens again. I am just so frustrated right now and I need to process it all I guess. Anyone dealt with something like this with a loved one?

Rant over

[Flasch186]

I'm saying a prayer for you too, today.

[Draft Dodger]

#1 and #2 are both important feelings to convey, but #3 is the one you really need to get answers for. How you approach that is indeed tricky and depends a lot on your relationship. All I can say is come from a position of caring and not anger...

[MizzouRah]

Yes my wife has with me. I have 2 DWI's and I'm just grateful I didn't kill anyone. She finally told me if I get #3 her and the kids are packing their bags.

Now if I drink, I call her or ride with a friend who hasn't been. Mostly though.. I just wait until I get home to have some beers.. it's not worth it.

Nothing wrong with going out and drinking, but you need a ride planned out before you start drinking because we all know how easy it is to say we are fine once we've had a few...

Your wife feels bad enough.. just give her a hug and say you're glad she's allright.. that would mean more to her than scolding her. After a few days.. discuss with her how to make sure she doesn't get another one.. it can get quite expensive.. not to mention embarassing.

[BYU 14]

Originally Posted by Flasch186

I'm saying a prayer for you too, today.

Thanks Flasch, that is very much appreciated.

Originally Posted by Draft Dodger

#1 and #2 are both important feelings to convey, but #3 is the one you really need to get answers for. How you approach that is indeed tricky and depends a lot on your relationship. All I can say is come from a position of caring and not anger...

Good advice, 3 will indeed be tricky. I just got off the phone with her Dad who she called again with the bond amount and I am getting ready to go bail her out. The fact that she called her Father again, knowing I am up is a strong indicator on what she expects from me. I am a very laid back person and it takes a lot for me to get angry, but I have a very bad temper when it I do lose it and the fact that she called her father tells me she is expecting my full wrath. Which means #3 will be the very last thing I address, when there is absolutely no chance of anger coming through. Concerned and serious yes, but not degrading. Like you state the objective is to fix this rare, but dangerous behavior, not beat her over the head with it. Thanks

Originally Posted by MizzouRah

Yes my wife has with me. I have 2 DWI's and I'm just grateful I didn't kill anyone. She finally told me if I get #3 her and the kids are packing their bags.

Now if I drink, I call her or ride with a friend who hasn't been. Mostly though.. I just wait until I get home to have some beers.. it's not worth it.

Nothing wrong with going out and drinking, but you need a ride planned out before you start drinking because we all know how easy it is to say we are fine once we've had a few...

Your wife feels bad enough.. just give her a hug and say you're glad she's allright.. that would mean more to her than scolding her. After a few days.. discuss with her how to make sure she doesn't get another one.. it can get quite expensive.. not to mention embarassing.

More sage wisdom and I will definitely give her a hug because I am beyond grateful I am going to get her from Jail and not identify her in a Morgue. Bruised egos and bank accounts heal and get replenished, lost lives do not. I am much calmer now and will spend today making sure how much she knows how much I care about her. Thanks for your feedack.

[flere-imsaho]

I agree that this seems to be one of those "support now, discuss later" situations. Best of luck - I hope it works out in the end.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Prayers for you as you deal with this. There was a stretch during my marriage that I could have easily been in the exact same situation except for the blind luck/providence of my wife not getting pulled over, so reading your post it was awfully easy for me to relate to #3.

[MizzouRah]

Originally Posted by BYU 14

I am much calmer now and will spend today making sure how much she knows how much I care about her. Thanks for your feedack.

Glad to hear that. It's normal to have anger in this situation as your first reaction.. heck, my wife said some things to me I've never heard come out of her mouth when I called her from jail the second time... but once the initial reaction has time to muster.. being calm and supportive means more than anything, imo.

Take care...

[BYU 14]

Home now and she is sleeping, we kept it light and I just focused on her state of mind, making sure to let her know I was just thankful she or nobody else was hurt. Apparently from what she said someone called the Police on her for weaving and they caught up to her at a Jack in the Box. I have to say I would (and have) done the same thing, so I am glad there was a responsible citizen who did notify the Police, or who knows, she could have made it home scot free or it could have ended much worse. I would rather not roll the Dice on that one.

Also, unfortunately she was twice the legal limit of .08 here in AZ, so it is an extreme DUI and she will be facing 30 days in Jail....A harsh wakeup call, but better than some of the alternatives. I made sure to promise I would wait for her as long as she did not get a girlfriend while she was incarcerated

Bail....$1800.00, possible fines $250 -$1500, having your wife safe and sound and determined to never have this happen again....Priceless!!!

[Chief Rum]

Originally Posted by BYU 14

Home now and she is sleeping, we kept it light and I just focused on her state of mind, making sure to let her know I was just thankful she or nobody else was hurt. Apparently from what she said someone called the Police on her for weaving and they caught up to her at a Jack in the Box. I have to say I would (and have) done the same thing, so I am glad there was a responsible citizen who did notify the Police, or who knows, she could have made it home scot free or it could have ended much worse. I would rather not roll the Dice on that one.

Also, unfortunately she was twice the legal limit of .08 here in AZ, so it is an extreme DUI and she will be facing 30 days in Jail....A harsh wakeup call, but better than some of the alternatives. I made sure to promise I would wait for her as long as she did not get a girlfriend while she was incarcerated

Bail....$1800.00, possible fines $250 -$1500, having your wife safe and sound and determined to never have this happen again....Priceless!!!

You're not going to fight it?

[lungs]

Check into seeing if the ankle bracelet and house arrest is an option.

[BYU 14]

Originally Posted by Chief Rum

You're not going to fight it?

We will consult with an attorney, but the law is pretty straightforward here. The Judge does not have the option to suspend any part of the 30 day sentence, that is minimum and can impose more. If there is no loophole or error on the Officers part she is stuck.

She will also be required to use the interlocking ignition device for 12 months and could be ordered to do community service.

If there is a way to not serve 30 days, we would certainly welcome it. I just truly hope this will be a lesson never forgotten, regardless of how it ends up. She is being arraigned 12/30

[st.cronin]

Tip: If you are a AAA member or have certain types of auto insurance, they will post bail for you for certain situations.

[Celeval]

You're in our thoughts as well - glad things worked out "okay". Good job handling things, man.

[Flasch186]

Originally Posted by BYU 14

We will consult with an attorney, but the law is pretty straightforward here. The Judge does not have the option to suspend any part of the 30 day sentence, that is minimum and can impose more. If there is no loophole or error on the Officers part she is stuck.

She will also be required to use the interlocking ignition device for 12 months and could be ordered to do community service.

If there is a way to not serve 30 days, we would certainly welcome it. I just truly hope this will be a lesson never forgotten, regardless of how it ends up. She is being arraigned 12/30

in a jack in the box parking lot when they saw her? Is that private property?

[tarcone]

I have a couple DUIs on my record. The last one in 1995. In Illinois. The reason I bring this up is because I am in the middle of dealing with it again. In Illinois you have to go to a hearing to get your license back. I live in Missouri and after having my license suspended for 5 years I got it back and actually had a valid license. I went to the license bureau last summer to get my address changed. They couldnt do it because of something in Illinois (DUI). After jumping through many hoops I went to a formal hearing 2 1/2 hours from home. I was denied and have to start the process all over again. The other option was hiring a lawyer and paying her $2000 to appeal it. I choose to start the process over.
You need to check your state laws. it may be more then 30 days in jail, a fine, etc.
I thought I was through dealing with those legal issues, but im not.
I havent had so much as a ticket in the last 13 years, yet I was denied.

Good luck. I really feel for you guys. I know exactly what your wife is going through and have a sick feeling of guilt in my stomach right now from the memories this thread brought up.

[BYU 14]

Thanks for the thoughts and well wishes, we have some bumps ahead, but it could have been so much worse.

Jack in the box is fair game. She was actually parked waiting for her Mozzarella sticks when they found her. Because she had the keys in the ignition and the motor on it is considered DUI.

We were fortunate that the bail was that amount and I had access to it. We will get it back after her arraignment. If we didn't have it it is 1 day in Jail for each $100 of bail. She said there were some women in there that had $15,000 bail amounts and no resources. That is good to know about AAA though, they do a lot and I wish I had maintained the coverage I had compliments of one of my former jobs.

To top off a bad day BYU is losing to U of A in the Las Vegas bowl too!!

[GoldenEagle]

It sounds fishy to me. They have to have a valid reason to pull her over, at least in the majority of states. If the cops did not witness her swerving, then they could not pull her over for it. I am not trying to justify driving drunk but I also think people are entitled to their legal rights.

[Flasch186]

I had a friend in a 7-11 parking lot have a cop pull him out of his car for a sobriety test and give him a dui. He challenged it and had it tossed for being on private property and the cop never witnessed him on public property driving drunk. FWIW

[Raiders Army]

It's pretty funny to me about the whole fight it thing. Isn't this part of her punishment for being an idiot? Regardless of the proper procedures, I would think that in the long run you would want her to face some serious consequences (like jail) to give her a wake-up call.

I'm sorry both of you had to go through this, and don't wish anything bad either monetarily or jail-wise to happen to her...but maybe it's the type of thing that needs to happen to get her to change.

[lungs]

Originally Posted by GoldenEagle

It sounds fishy to me. They have to have a valid reason to pull her over, at least in the majority of states. If the cops did not witness her swerving, then they could not pull her over for it. I am not trying to justify driving drunk but I also think people are entitled to their legal rights.

Citizen complaint would be the valid reason in this case. Especially since it turned out to be true.

Get a copy of the police report. It will probably confirm that there is nothing that can be done at this point and the best thing to do would be to pay the price.

While I've haven't had a DUI (thankfully, I deserve more than one from my earlier days), I've studied numerous cases of friends and most DUI cases are open and shut.

[Draft Dodger]

I'm guessing BYU could use less of the amateur Perry Masons and more the amateur Dear Abbys

[Eaglesfan27]

Originally Posted by Draft Dodger

I'm guessing BYU could use less of the amateur Perry Masons and more the amateur Dear Abbys

I agree. Best of luck, BYU. Here's hoping this never happens again.

[M GO BLUE!!!]

You actually bailed her out?

You are a better man than I.

[BYU 14]

Originally Posted by Draft Dodger

I'm guessing BYU could use less of the amateur Perry Masons and more the amateur Dear Abbys

It's all good, I respect (and expect) all opinions and can understand and/or agree with them.

Lungs is right, citizen complaint is valid, I have done that myself before and if you are in a running car or have keys in the ignition they can arrest you in AZ.

I agree with Raiders Army, that consequences need to be accepted and handled because she made a bad choice (would never call my wife an idiot, but it was a bad choice) If I thought or find there was something out of line in the procedures used I would fight it, but it is pretty cut and dry to both her and I. She drank too much, made a horrible decision to drive and has to be accountable for her actions. It sucks that somebody you love has to go through anything like this, but it still could have been a lot worse. Especially if she had hurt/killed an innocent person or herself.

We have a strong marriage and this won't change that, but nobody is perfect and this is a behavior that can not reoccur ever. We have talked a lot since last night and I have no doubt this will never be a problem again.

[molson]

Good luck BYU14, I'm sure you and your wife will get through this. I think you're doing a great job handling all this and she's lucky to have you.

"Enhanced" DUIs do indeed have mandatory minimum in most states, however depending on the prosecutor's office, you can sometimes cut a deal where you plead guilty to the lesser, "regular" DUI. An attorney can definitely help sort out your options. Definitely consult one that advertises experience with DUIs, someone that knows how things work in the county.

The much more important thing, of course, long-term, is confronting this issue. Many, many people just can't, and shouldn't drink ANYTHING if they're going to drive. Not a single drink. That's not necessarily a sign that someone has a debilitating problem or anything, it's just an individual trait. People's judgments are impacted in various ways, for many, you just can't even the first step down that road.

[Buccaneer]

She drank too much, made a horrible decision to drive and has to be accountable for her actions.

Bravo. It's sad to me that many do not feel that way, esp. as implied by some in this thread.

[Lathum]

First off, thank god she didn't hurt herself or anyone.

Secondly, I think your emotions are justified. You have every right to be angry/etc...

My sister just got a DWI and she is a widowed mom of 3. We are all upset at her but we are doing the support now/ discuss later. Basicly, she knows she fucked up and hearing it from everyone isn't a big help.

[RainMaker]

Maybe I'm just the jerk in the bunch, but I don't see why you are being so understanding. This isn't the first time and seems to be a habit. She obviously isn't being thoughtful for you when she does this. It would really suck to get a call in the morning asking you to identify a body in the morgue. So if she shows no respect for you, why are you treating her with kit gloves?

My suggestion is to let her know that it's probably time to stop drinking, or at least stop drinking socially. She clearly doesn't have the self control to do so. It might be harsh, but it's reality, and life is more important than manners.

[RainMaker]

And this is in no way your fault. She's a grown adult and doesn't need a babysitter. Don't beat yourself up over it.

[BYU 14]

Originally Posted by RainMaker

Maybe I'm just the jerk in the bunch, but I don't see why you are being so understanding. This isn't the first time and seems to be a habit. She obviously isn't being thoughtful for you when she does this. It would really suck to get a call in the morning asking you to identify a body in the morgue. So if she shows no respect for you, why are you treating her with kit gloves?

My suggestion is to let her know that it's probably time to stop drinking, or at least stop drinking socially. She clearly doesn't have the self control to do so. It might be harsh, but it's reality, and life is more important than manners.

Not being a jerk at all, you have a point which I will gladly address. I am really not being understanding from the point of "it's all good, you made a mistake." It's not all good, she made a potentially deadly mistake that could have had horrific consequences and that is a BIG problem.

I am being understanding only to the point of realizing it is not the time to beat her down mentally. She is a 99% responsible person, moreso than me on many things and she has come to a stark realization that she has a problem in this area. She knows the point I am at with this and she accepts that she needs to make a permanent change. There will be many serious discussions forthcoming and at the forefront will be not drinking at all in a social setting when she has to drive.

My wife is a life of the party type and people like to get her tipsy because she is a riot when she gets that way. I enjoy her in that mode too, as long as I am there to drive. She will need to modifiy her behavior. She's a grown ass woman and needs to be strong enough to say no when people start shoving shots in her face and she does not have a driver.

I space my drinking out and never have more than 2-3 Beers over the course of an evening. I also start drinking water at least an hour before I know we/I will be leaving.

I think initial support is a strong foundation to build change on and that's how I am choosing to start it. Trust me, I am anything but an enabler and there will come a day as we get through this that she will need to sit down and look me dead in the eye and tell me, "It will never happen again." Our Kids (youngest is 16) know as well and they will be part of that promise too. I trust her and fully believe that at this stage of our lives together I will never have to deal with this again, thats why I am taking this approach.

[molson]

Originally Posted by RainMaker

And this is in no way your fault. She's a grown adult and doesn't need a babysitter. Don't beat yourself up over it.

Definitely. NOTHING about this is BYU14's fault. I think that's important for him to realize, in terms of his wife taking responsibility and confronting this.

[BYU 14]

Quote:

Originally Posted by RainMaker
And this is in no way your fault. She's a grown adult and doesn't need a babysitter. Don't beat yourself up over it.

Originally Posted by molson

Definitely. NOTHING about this is BYU14's fault. I think that's important for him to realize, in terms of his wife taking responsibility and confronting this.

LOL, see my last post where I mention she is a grown ass woman. That initial post where I mentioned guilt was only that I wish I had been there. I absolutely know this is no fault of mine at all.

It'd funny you mention this though, because I have seen this bevavior in a couple I know. I promise if this was them the Wife would have said. "See, this would have never happened if you could have come with me" and the Husband would have apologized. I too shake my head at this mentality.

[ISiddiqui]

Ouch, BYU... I'm feeling for you. You are, of course, entitled to your feelings of #1, #2, and #3. Great to see you saying she needs to accept the consequences and I'm sure you'll "put your foot down" and make her realize this can't happen again.

[Chief Rum]

Originally Posted by Buccaneer

Bravo. It's sad to me that many do not feel that way, esp. as implied by some in this thread.

I agree that people in the wrong should be punished for what they have done wrong.

That said, it's tiring to see all of you, including BYU, ready to throw the book at her without due process. This is a right, people. Her constitutional right. Who are you to say she does not have the right to explore whether she is criminally guilty? The laws are written the way they are to ensure that every citizen has this right.

I would guess many to most of you are against the Patriot Act and defend civil liberties at every turn, as do I. Well, this is one of the biggest ones. She has a right to a trial by jury of her peers, and a presumption of innocence until found guilty. And I don't think it's sad that there are those among us who feel that, good Lord, she might actually have the right to exercise that right.

[molson]

Originally Posted by Chief Rum

I agree that people in the wrong should be punished for what they have done wrong.

That said, it's tiring to see all of you, including BYU, ready to throw the book at her without due process. This is a right, people. Her constitutional right. Who are you to say she does not have the right to explore whether she is criminally guilty? The laws are written the way they are to ensure that every citizen has this right.

I would guess many to most of you are against the Patriot Act and defend civil liberties at every turn, as do I. Well, this is one of the biggest ones. She has a right to a trial by jury of her peers, and a presumption of innocence until found guilty. And I don't think it's sad that there are those among us who feel that, good Lord, she might actually have the right to exercise that right.

She certainly has her rights, and if those rights can help her get out of punishment for something illegal she did, great.

But the punishment doesn't matter here. We're not looking at execution or life imprisonment. Even though it's pretty clear she was driving when she shouldn't have been. The important thing is that this shit is straightened out, and that she doesn't hurt herself or anyone else going forward.

The Constitution gives you all kinds of loopholes to get you out of shit you did wrong (based mostly on police mistakes), but from an individual perspective, that doesn't forgive your crime.

This isn't about punishment, it's about insuring safety.

Judges tend to look very favorably on those who take responsibility for their actions.

[Chief Rum]

Originally Posted by molson

She certainly has her rights, and if those rights can help her get out of punishment for something illegal she did, great.

But the punishment doesn't matter here. We're not looking at execution or life imprisonment. Even though it's pretty clear she was driving when she shouldn't have been. The important thing is that this shit is straightened out, and that she doesn't hurt herself or anyone else going forward.

The Constitution gives you all kinds of loopholes to get you out of shit you did wrong (based mostly on police mistakes), but from an individual perspective, that doesn't forgive your crime.

This isn't about punishment, it's about insuring safety.

I agree completely, and she deserves the guilt that comes to her, and the reactions of her friends and family, and all that she must undertake personally in order to move past this. But that does not include legal, criminal punishment until she has been found guilty of the crime. That is not a possibility until her trial, and none of us here are judges with the right to impose that upon her.

If you (general you, not molson specific) feel she should face jail time/criminal punishment (and I do, too--if found guilty), that is your right to your opinion. But I don't think I or others here are "sad" because we might suggest she still has those rights, and should not have them taken away by the peanut gallery here, even in a forum commentary.

[molson]

Originally Posted by Chief Rum

I agree completely, and she deserves the guilt that comes to her, and the reactions of her friends and family, and all that she must undertake personally in order to move past this. But that does not include legal, criminal punishment until she has been found guilty of the crime. That is not a possibility until her trial, and none of us here are judges with the right to impose that upon her.

If you (general you, not molson specific) feel she should face jail time/criminal punishment (and I do, too--if found guilty), that is your right to your opinion. But I don't think I or others here are "sad" because we might suggest she still has those rights, and should not have them taken away by the peanut gallery here, even in a forum commentary.

Agreed, the rights are important to note as well (that's why I encouraged a consultation with an attorney, and pleading down to a "regular DUI").

[Chief Rum]

Originally Posted by molson

Agreed, the rights are important to note as well (that's why I encouraged a consultation with an attorney, and pleading down to a "regular DUI").

Yup, my commentary was really meant toward others and not you; it just came as a response to your post. Knowing your background and what you have posted here, I know full well the reasoned position (while leaning prosecutorially, I am sure) you would take and that is completely consistent.

[BYU 14]

Originally Posted by Chief Rum

Yup, my commentary was really meant toward others and not you; it just came as a response to your post. Knowing your background and what you have posted here, I know full well the reasoned position (while leaning prosecutorially, I am sure) you would take and that is completely consistent.

Trust me Chief, I am not throwing the book at her. I want her to never be in this position again, for the sake of many. That is my focus and in no way means I want her to just waive her rights and take whatever. I believe in the legal process and the rights of the "accused" that come with it. That said, I know she was wrong and so does she and I fully expect there to be consequences. If she can learn and move forward and get a lighter sentence or lesser fines great. If not, that's fine too. She knows I will be there to support her through whatever.

My stake in this goes beyond rights, loopholes and anything else associated with the legal process. I care about the person, our family and the families of others this could have effected, so guilty or innocent it's time for her to be responsible. We will consult an attorney and take advantage of due process as I believe anyone should and accept the outcome. If you think I am being harsh fine, but I want my wife around to grow old with me, so I need to approach it the best way possible to insure that.

[Radii]

Originally Posted by Chief Rum

That said, it's tiring to see all of you, including BYU, ready to throw the book at her without due process. This is a right, people. Her constitutional right.

I don't understand at all your questioning of BYU's actions here.

Who are you to say she does not have the right to explore whether she is criminally guilty?

Because he is her husband, and he knows the situation, he knows her past and has all of the information to form an opinion about the risk of something like this happening again in the future. So he's really in a perfect position to have a meaningful opinion on the legal recourse she should attempt to take since learning a lesson about drinking and driving through the legal system would be highly preferable to learning a lesson about drinking and driving after a DUI-induced accident that could easily occur if no lesson is learned here.


In fact, he seems to have the exact same opinion you do, based on an earlier post:

If I thought or find there was something out of line in the procedures used I would fight it, but it is pretty cut and dry to both her and I. She drank too much, made a horrible decision to drive and has to be accountable for her actions.

Calling out the peanut gallery I understand. But calling out BYU 14 seems, well, uncalled for and inexplicable.

[st.cronin]

Personally I would like to see more drunk drivers spend 30 days in jail, not fewer. I think that's a perfectly appropriate punishment.

[Pumpy Tudors]

Originally Posted by Draft Dodger

I'm guessing BYU could use less of the amateur Perry Masons and more the amateur Dear Abbys

I think now is a good time to reiterate this.

[Chief Rum]

I merely pointed out that BYU seemed ready to forgo her rights as well. Perhaps for him, as you suggest, that is based on his exploring of the options of the situation and coming to that conclusion.

But I have to tell you, as someone who has actually spent a night and day in a relatively high security jail, no one should wish that on anyone, not for one day, not for 30, without due process. It's not an experience for the weak-minded, and if the threat of it alone makes her go right (with counseling and better decision making and what not), but she avoids going to jail for any point in time, I assure you, she will be better for it.

[Chief Rum]

Originally Posted by BYU 14

Trust me Chief, I am not throwing the book at her. I want her to never be in this position again, for the sake of many. That is my focus and in no way means I want her to just waive her rights and take whatever. I believe in the legal process and the rights of the "accused" that come with it. That said, I know she was wrong and so does she and I fully expect there to be consequences. If she can learn and move forward and get a lighter sentence or lesser fines great. If not, that's fine too. She knows I will be there to support her through whatever.

My stake in this goes beyond rights, loopholes and anything else associated with the legal process. I care about the person, our family and the families of others this could have effected, so guilty or innocent it's time for her to be responsible. We will consult an attorney and take advantage of due process as I believe anyone should and accept the outcome. If you think I am being harsh fine, but I want my wife around to grow old with me, so I need to approach it the best way possible to insure that.

Sorry, BYU, I missed your response here before responding to st.cronin.

I am glad you are exploring due process and doing what you can to help her avoid jail time and legal punishment. She needs your support in this.

I am 100% with everything you say here, about dealing with this issue, about keeping her alive and with you so you can grow old together, and about caring for her safety, and that of friends and the unknown people who might be horribly affected by another DUI instance. She has a serious problem here, and it sounds like you both are aware of it and ready to do what it takes to tackle it. I am not advocating that you or she shirk responsibility in that.

I am just saying too many people in this thread seem to want her to not even try to fight this, to just go to jail, and IMO, these people don't have a clue what they're asking for, or the rights they are telling her to ignore. If I unfairly lumped you in with them, I apologize, but it didn't appear to me in earlier posts that your take was all that much different. If that was a bad impression, I am sorry for having it.

[st.cronin]

Chief, I have been in jail twice in my life (once actually on suspicion of DUI), and I agree that its a horrible, horrible place to be. I also believe that operating a vehicle while impaired is an egregious crime that should not be treated lightly.

[Chief Rum]

Originally Posted by st.cronin

Chief, I have been in jail twice in my life (once actually on suspicion of DUI), and I agree that its a horrible, horrible place to be. I also believe that operating a vehicle while impaired is an egregious crime that should not be treated lightly.

Where do I suggest it should be treated lightly? My own instance with it changed my life. You won't find too many people outside of MADD who are more adamant than I am about the crime that is operating a vehicle under the influence.

All that said, no one should tell her to forgo her rights. I am glad that BYU is following this up properly (as well as supporting her and working with her to improve her behavior on this).

[RainMaker]

Originally Posted by BYU 14

Trust me Chief, I am not throwing the book at her. I want her to never be in this position again, for the sake of many. That is my focus and in no way means I want her to just waive her rights and take whatever. I believe in the legal process and the rights of the "accused" that come with it. That said, I know she was wrong and so does she and I fully expect there to be consequences. If she can learn and move forward and get a lighter sentence or lesser fines great. If not, that's fine too. She knows I will be there to support her through whatever.

My stake in this goes beyond rights, loopholes and anything else associated with the legal process. I care about the person, our family and the families of others this could have effected, so guilty or innocent it's time for her to be responsible. We will consult an attorney and take advantage of due process as I believe anyone should and accept the outcome. If you think I am being harsh fine, but I want my wife around to grow old with me, so I need to approach it the best way possible to insure that.

Obviously she isn't going to learn a lesson. The fear of losing you or putting you through pain doesn't matter to her. If this was once or twice, it's one thing, but you said she's done it much more over the years.

The best thing that could happen to her is a short stint in jail. I know in Wisconsin there is a law that requires jail time for multiple DUIs. Since your or your family's words have no impact on her, maybe a couple days in an 8x10 will fix the problem.

[MrBug708]

Originally Posted by st.cronin

Tip: If you are a AAA member or have certain types of auto insurance, they will post bail for you for certain situations.

If you have AAA just call them up and ask for a tow home. By law/policy, they can't leave you alone knowing that you are drunk and at risk for driving home! The towtruck drivers hate it, but they have to do it...

[Barkeep49]

Buccaneer: Our civil liberties are there to protect innocent people. If it protects guilty people, that is a trade-off I'm willing to make in order to protect the innocent. As we've seen in numerous cases over the years innocent people are still wrongly punished. I'm not OK with that. We have these due processes to make to protect the innocent.

BYU's wife isn't innocent (at least from the information we have, including BYU's representation of how his wife feels). We are not being poor civil libertarians by condemning the guilty before a trial. This isn't like some case on the news where we're hearing only the police version of events. She is entitled to all of the due processes of the law, but that doesn't meant that people here can't castigate her for the poor decision she made.