FM07: Down With Pompey!

[Butter]

Hi, my name is Richie McWealthy. I’m 21, American, and I’ve recently come into a large sum of money thanks to my dad, Moneybags McWealthy. I’ve already had 3 years with my trust fund, and I’ve found my true passion in life… English football.

As such, I’ve decided to purchase a team. But see, I like to have fun too. I’m not in this just to win, I’m in this to HAVE FUN. And, I was thinking, what would be the most fun to me?

Well, very few people know that as a young boy, I spent many months with my uncle Loaded McWealthy, in the South Coast of England. I remember him as a fanatical Southampton Saints fan. Uncle Loaded had the red and white stripes everywhere… his car, his clothes, his house… he even had a Saints room inside his house near the coast. Another thing I remember… he lived very near Portsmouth. Those people were the nastiest people you could ever hope to meet. Every time they’d see Uncle Loaded’s car coming, they’d steer at him, then after they’d forced him from the road, drive away laughing and honking. My Uncle was too proud to hide his fanaticism, but the people of Portsmouth were too stubborn to leave him alone. His house would be vandalized, his car burgled. Hell, I remember one time we were in a local pub trying to enjoy a simple lunch when we were accosted by a number of Pompey fans… my uncle was embarrassed. He was saddened. But he taught me a very important lesson: to always be proud of who you were…. Well, 2 lessons. Be proud, and always root against Portsmouth.

It’s pained me the last few years to watch Portsmouth’s ascendancy to respectability in the English Premier League. I thought that perhaps I should buy Southampton and lead them back to the promised land. But I have faith in their current ownership to take the right path back. What I can’t stand, however, is those Pompey bastards rubbing the Saints’ fans in the dirt every day. Just because you’ve had a good couple of years doesn’t mean you’re suddenly God’s gift to football.

So, my friends, it is with great secrecy (I can trust you, right?) and great pride that today I have bought the majority stake in Portsmouth Football Club. To make money? No, I’ve got more money than I could ever count. No, friends, I plan to take this club straight down the table… all the way out of the Football Leagues! Then maybe Uncle Loaded can rest in piece (he died in a tragic lorry accident… no, I still don’t know what a lorry is either).

House rules
Here are the house rules. I’ve got my eye on a number of crappy coaches, so that is not the problem. The problem is, I don’t want to get lynched. As such, the fans can’t know what I’m up to. Therefore, I shall always take the recommendation of my assistant manager for the starting lineup.

Also, I can’t just throw crazy tactics out there, like a 1-3-6. It has to LOOK reasonable. So, again, we shall take the assistant manager’s suggestion on tactics as well. But I may tinker with it. For example, if we’re playing a great counter-attacking team, I’ll be sure to instruct the coach to attack early and often so as to maximize the other team’s chances.

Another thing…. Money is no object. I am not going to just sell off all the good players. That would be far too easy, and obvious to the fans. I have not set any hard and fast rules as far as that goes, but you can bet we’re going to be bringing in a lot of players who look to be very promising… but in the end will hopefully bust, and bust hard.

Otherwise, it’s business as usual. I will be puppeting all of the coaches comments to the media, the team, and the fans. I will be sure to miss no opportunity to make Portsmouth an embarrassment to all of English football. To make sure that the fans feel as embarrassed as they made my Uncle Loaded feel in the beautiful red and white of Southampton….

So, let’s get on with it… DOWN WITH POMPEY!!!

[Butter]

July 2006
I’ve got a nice forgotten old man to coach the team, 76 year old Englishman Schmucky Wardlaw. Wardlaw is the perfect starter manager… old enough to appear like he might be losing it, but young enough to deny it with coherent thoughts. Wardlaw, of course, is pretty much halfway gone to drink every day he comes in, but a couple of Tic Tacs take care of that.

The books are in surprisingly good shape… we’ve got a balance of over $59M, with a $38M transfer budget. I could increase that, of course, but I choose not to. Our salaries are actually about $13.5M below the previously max. allowable of $56.7M.

The Assistant Manager recommends the following lineup:
GK: David James
D: Matthew Taylor, Dejan Stefanovic, Sol Campbell, Linvoy Primus
M: Niko Kranjcar, Manuel Fernandes, Pedro Mendes, Gary O’Neil
S: Benjani, Lomano LuaLua

2nd Team:
GK: Dean Kiely
D: Richard Duffy, Noe Pamarot, Andy O’Brien, Andrew Griffin
M: Ognjen Koroman, Sean Davis, Richard Hughes, Douala
S: Andrew Cole, Nwankwo Kanu

I’m going to focus on getting some morale down on the team during the pre-season.

I decide to go on holiday until the start of the season, hoping that things will go poorly while I’m gone, with the team running a pedestrian 4-4-2 during the pre-season. I instruct the coach to make no personnel moves in my absence.

[SirFozzie]

Interesting...

[Butter]

Aug. 2006

We finish the pre-season with 4 wins out of 6 against some very lowly competition. We have a 19 day layoff until our first match against Bolton, a team expected to contend for the title. We are expected to finish right around the bottom, 17th in the official media polling prior to the season.

The media asks about the pressure on my manager… I instruct him to say “I just hope I don’t let anyone down”.

Aug. 19, Match 1 @ Bolton
2 of the starters are not thrilled with Wardlaw’s comments about his nervousness, but 2 want to help him overcome the nervousness. Great.

We run a 4-4-2 with all settings smack dab in the middle of the slider. Wardlaw tells the team he expects a win to open the season. Good start, as Gary O’Neil gets a yellow in the first minute.

Bad start, as Kanu chips the keeper from 20 yards out to open the scoring for us at 1-0. But Bolton make it 1-1 after 7 minutes, as Anelka heads in a Vaz Te cross.

Wardlaw lashes out at the team at halftime, despite being in a reasonable draw at the break. I also tell Wardlaw to have the team try to use shorter passing on the drenched pitch, and to throw caution to the wind and ATTACK. A point just won’t do here.

We actually threaten a few times, but we get our desired result in the 77th, as Ben-Haim finds Nolan down the middle, and he powers it home from 20 yards to give Bolton the win.

Wardlaw tells the team he is elated with them.

Loss, 2-1, begin in 14th

Wardlaw praises Sam Allardyce, and our next opponent’s manager, Steve Coppell. I also have him tell the press he is considering giving David James an extended rest. James does not like the idea of rest.

Aug. 22, Match 2 v. #5 Reading
I instruct an ultra-defensive tactic at home. Wardlaw has the team relax for the match. A scoreless first half flies by. In the 2nd half, we hold them off a bit worryingly, but in the 84th, Leroy Lita is onside, and buries it low past James to give Reading a 1-0 lead. Nicky Shorey scores a free kick to make the final margin 2.
Loss, 2-0, drop to 18th

Wardlaw tells the team he is pleased with the effort following the match. Wardlaw officially warns James against his poor performance following the match. He now feels he may have made the wrong decision in coming to Portsmouth. Destroying James’ confidence is key to a string of bad results.

The fans were thrown off by our negative tactics in the last match. May have to play it a bit straighter in the next match.

Match 3 v. #13 Sheffield United
We run an attacking 4-4-2 with a deep defensive line against the dangerous Blades attack. The attack lacks pace, so we make sure to give them lots of room to operate. The Blades with boatloads of chances in the first half, but they fail to score. We come out fired up in the 2nd half… I radio to Wardlaw to pull back. It works… we only get a point instead of the 3 we looked destined for. Our first point… a road one. Not good.
Draw, 0-0, up to 15th

After 1 month, we have just 1 point, but 3 teams are pointless at the bottom. Not good enough. On the plus side, Kanu is upset that Wardlaw told the press we won’t miss him, following him breaking a rib in our last match. Couple that with David James’ annoyance at Wardlaw’s yo-yo treatment of him, and team morale is headed downward.