ZFL Season 2008

[JAG]

Week 1:

The inaugural game of the 2008 ZFL season featured El Paso and Chicago, two teams hoping to improve on disappointing seasons last year. How would El Paso rookie QB Dan McGwire handle the pressure of playing against one of the top defensive secondaries in the ZFL?

Not very well as it turns out. El Paso receives had a tough time shaking the tight coverage of S Shut Down and CB Sean Sharper and McGwire was frustrated early. Early on, stalled El Paso drives gave Chicago great field position and led to a first quarter touchdown, as they kept the ball on the ground and bowled over the inferior El Paso defensive line with a 9 yard run by long-time Chicago great RB Randy Steele. A quick 4 and out by El Paso gave Chicago another short field to work with. Early in the second, Josh Hackenstein ran behind a huge hole opened when Tom Sanders pancaked DT Danny Noonan and scored untouched on an 11 yard TD run.

At this point, El Paso incorporated a shift in strategy. Instead of trying to warm McGwire up with early passes, they went to the ground game to soften up the coverage. It worked beautifully. Chicago’s rookie DTs didn’t look ready for primetime and couldn’t get off their blocks, allowing All-Pro Rashaan Salaam to block MLB El Capone and spring Blair Thomas for some long gains. On a 3rd and goal from the 2, a misdirection by El Paso led to a Rashaan Salaam touchdown and cut Chicago’s lead to 7 points.

The game settled into a slugfest, with both teams moving the ball on the ground with good success. El Paso scored again on a 4-yard run by Thomas and tied the score at the start of the third. Chicago scored on their next drive after two play action passes yielded 25-yard and 22-yard gains to rookie WR DeJuan Gavly got them close enough for another 9-yard TD run by Steele. Finally El Paso opened up their offense and allowed McGwire to throw it downfield a bit. He hit Rae “I’m Innocent!” Carruth for a 13-yard gain and then found the mismatch he wanted: Blair Thomas covered by the 35-year old OLB Ray Brown. Thomas raced past Brown and McGwire hit him in stride for a 32-yard TD down the right sideline and a tie score heading into the 4th.

The fourth quarter was all running. Neither team could gain so much as an inch through the air and the game slowed down a great deal. Chicago struck with 5 minutes to go on a Hackenstein 2-yard plunge up the middle. El Paso likely had one more shot to get it done. They stuck to the ground and ripped off some big gains, Thomas for 9, Rashaan for 14, Thomas again for 9. Finally, with about 40 seconds left on the clock, McGwire faked a pitch out to Thomas and threw a quick strike to Rashaan Salaam, who powered past Ray Brown’s arm tackle and struck pay dirt. With so little time left, Chicago couldn’t get close enough for one more shot at the end zone and regulation ended with the teams tied at 28. Bring on the kickers!

Midfield was cleared as a good-sized log was set up 10 feet off the ground over a small pool of water. The contest for the kickers today was to balance on the log using a 9 foot long quarterstaff and try to knock the other kicker off the log (a la Robin Hood). Whomever is first to knock the other off twice wins. The only other challenging thing about the contest is after the first tilt, the log would spin slowly clockwise via motorized engine for 10 seconds and then switch directions every 10 seconds thereafter.

El Paso's Scot "Missin'" Sisson looked comfortable balancing on the log, twirling the quarterstaff as he inched towards Chicago's Little Foot. Sisson tried to end the first tilt quickly with a quick swing towards Little Foot's upper body, but Little Foot backed away and the staff whooshed by him, causing Sisson to stumble a bit to keep his balance. Little Foot leaped in to try and sweep Sisson's legs, but Sisson blocked the swing easily. Both kickers stared at each other, making little feints to try and draw off the other's attention. Sisson took another swing at the upper body, and just as Little Foot raised his staff to block, Sisson pulled back hard on the upper part of the staff to bring the low end in for a big hit on Little Foot's back, which easily knocked him off the log, giving El Paso a 1-0 lead in the best-of-three tilt.

The spinning log on the second tilt seemed to really mess with Little Foot's head. He spent more time dealing with the balance than he did trying to attack Sisson. The bout was over when Sisson beautifully timed the log's reverse spin by shifting the low end of the quarterstaff where he anticipated Little Foot's feet would go. He guessed correctly. He flung his weight down on the other end of the staff and catapulted Little Foot off the staff into the edge of the pool. El Paso carried Missin’ Sisson off the field as McGwire whooped and hollered. El Paso pulls off a surprise win 31-28 to start the season 1-0.

*****

Brimingham starts their season with high hopes of challenging for a title, but they need their offense to step up as the defense has. Fargo is hoping to show some significant improvement after having added four players including two top 5 picks. Only one team got their wish today.

Birmingham put the pedal to the metal and never let up. OG Another Troy blasted holes in the soft belly of the ‘Fish defense and, despite a heroic effort by DT The Defense (8 tackles), allowed Olympian running back Roman to run wild, scoring twice on the day and racking up 105 yards. The pass rush and coverage was even worse, as Zeus Reloaded had plenty of time to hit WRs Hercules and Ahhnold Schwartzeneggar for TDs. On defense, it was just as ugly for the ‘Fish. QB Poopiehead had a crappy day in his debut, throwing for 198 yards and an interception return for a touchdown by S Odysseus. Rookie OT Charlie was able to hold his own against DE Atlantis, but OT Stud wasn’t quick enough to defend against DE Another Atlantis’ speed on the edge, and Another Atlantis had two sacks and 5 hurries on the day. Even the Glutton For Punishment / Ty Wick / Ray rushing offense could gain only 80 yards and one TD on the day. The Olympians found their offensive guns against the ‘Fish and won handily 35-7.

*****

The Stars worked this offseason to improve their offensive and defensive lines, while the Chaps were unable to find a star in the offseason to help them out. Can Cincinnati’s steady but unspectacular units get them enough wins?

LA came out and dominated early with their ground game. Young guards Mark Goodman and Howard Stern helped clear the way for Rodney Dangerfield to run inside while OTs Mathew McConaughey and Freddie Prinze Jr. sealed the corners on sweeps, letting Dangerfield run wild all over the field to the tune of 145 yards and 3 TDs. The OL did the trick giving QB Bernie Mac all day to throw and passing for 190 yards and 1 TD, with 120 yards and the TD going to WR Ashton Kucher, fresh off his second-team all-ZFL selection. Prinze Jr. had an especially strong performance in holding Strong Mad to no sacks on the day. Could the Cincinnati offense answer the Star barrage?

Er, no. The Chaps offense is average at best, and that’s not going to get it done against the Stars while Brad Pitt roams the middle, Toby McGwire rushes the passer, and Ray Liotta solidifies the secondary. Pitt was monstrous today with 16 tackles and 2 sacks, preventing Cincinnati from gaining any consistency on the ground and mixing up solid coverage and effective pass rushing. Liotta picked off a pass and put some teeth-rattling hits on the Chaps receivers. And finally McGwire put constant pressure on beleaguered Chaps QB Mr. Shmallow, garnering 3 sacks in the process. LA reincarnates the old Star Crush for a game and puts the hurt to Cincinnati 28-0.

*****

Despite prognosticators down on their teams, Little Rock and Knoxville had much to hope for after offseason additions to their defenses to combine with star-filled offenses.

It was a rough start to the season for the defenses. Rookie Slick Willie safety Red Herring put up a good fight against all-time ZFL great WR Jackson Jackson, but with some weaknesses at DT and MLB, the Knoxville OL was able to devote double-teams to DT Henry Blitzen and DE L.L. JeeberD, giving Knoxville QB Thumbless Jackson plenty of time to hit his favorite target to the tune of 160 yards and 2 TDs. Teammate Luke Jackson chipped in 122 yards and a TD. Leon Jackson had similar success on the ground, sticking the Willies for 131 yards and 3 TDs.

Little Rock had the answer with the tandem of RB Rajah Saleem, who had a typically great day with 175 yards and 3 TDs rushing, and second-year QB Johnny “Aint” Rotten, who actually had more success throwing to Rajah (68 yards and a TD receiving) and FB Johnny “Kid” Rock (55 yards and a TD receiving) than he did to WR Bruce Spinner (41 yards, no TDs), who was well-covered by Pro Bowl CB Deion Jackson.

The game came down to one play with Little Rock on offense at the Knoxville 40 late in the fourth quarter down 7. LR OG Rudolphy Rudy was supposed to slide over and help fellow OG John Boy Eddison double-team ‘Neck DT Josiah Jackson, but wasn’t quick enough to get over in time. Josiah Jackson was able to move Eddison out of the way and put some rare pressure on Johnny Rotten. Rotten, surprised, threw one up for grabs that Deion Jackson picked off and immediately went down to one knee. Leon Jackson ran out the clock and Knoxville came away winners in a wild one 42-35.

*****

With two top defensive teams like the Muscle Men and the Sea Biscuits, you know the score wasn’t going to be anything like the preceding game. In fact, both teams’ combined score didn’t equal HALF the losing squad’s score from the previous game.

The Sea Biscuits struggled a good bit on offense today. Rookie DT No Name Necessary had a great showing in his first game in actually winning a share of battles against OG Eric Flamebeard of the Neither Here Nor There. His success helped linebackers Superman and Zach Thomas to have solid days both in stopping the run and in pressuring PT QB Paddy O’Leary. Paddy O' looked a little shaky out there today with only 170 yards and a pick, but he did manage to get 110 of those yards and a TD to the Manchild, Manfred von Richthofen. Portland’s offensive line normally gives more of a boost to the running game, but without their usual push thanks to great efforts from the Muscle Men LBs and No Name Necessary, Portland could manage only 85 yards and a touchdown from Lothar Dirtpounder.

Those scores would all be enough however, because Portland’s D came to play. The Military Middle dominated the weak Muscle Men guards and swallowed up RB Ricky Williams and FB Bulldozer, allowing them to combine for only 44 yards on the day. OT No Sacks Allowed looked like his back was in great pain the whole game and gave up a sack and 5 hurries to rookie Sea Biscuit DE Dr. Hans Schlotnik. The pressure up the middle from DTs Colonel Joseph C. McCormick III and Captain Bipto, from Schlotnik, and the excellent play of the Portland secondary reduced Muscle Men QB Dan Marino Jr. to total ineffectiveness (110 yards, 2 INTs by CB Master Hu Li). Portland shuts out Milwaukee 14-0.

*****

After the additions this offseason, San Antonio is the hands-down favorite to win the revrew trophy this year. Albuquerque’s offseason moves provided some minor improvement, but no huge boon to the team. Easy win for San Antonio to start the season right?

Maybe we should wait a little while before anointing San Antonio ZFL kings.

The usually reliable SA DE All Pro couldn’t get past OT Ralph Wiggum’s stellar blocking. That meant All-World Moe Sizzlack had time to throw. That meant he could target the weak link in the San Antonio defense. Sure enough, WRs The Cheat and Quagmire took turns toasting new starting CB Bryant Westbrook as Albuquerque took the early 7-0 lead. San Antonio took aim at the unimpressive AQ defensive line with their smashmouth attack, with OG Lone Star eventually clearing the way for RB Mutt to score on a 5-yard run up the gut. The contrast in styles continued as the Isotopes continued to have great success moving the ball through the air. S Godzilla Blitz eventually tried to cheat over and give Westbrook some help on Quagmire, but Sizzlack gave a great pump fake and hit a wide open The Cheat for a 40-yard TD strike. San Antonio kept the pace on the ground and scored with a minute to go until halftime on a nifty 7-yard run by FB Teeny.

In the end, San Antonio scored three times on the ground and Albuquerque scored thrice through the air, which was fortunate for them as they couldn’t get anything going on the ground. The usually solid backfield duo of Guy Incognito and FB Drederick Tatum couldn’t get anything going, as the mediocre Isotope guards were tossed aside by DTs Aragorn and Sack U, while reigning league MVP Ray Lewis did his part in crushing the Albuquerque ground game. SA was able to move the ball in the passing game, but could come away with no TDs.

San Antonio had a final chance in regulation to put away the victory with a 4th and goal from the 2 with only seconds remaining. Everyone knew what was coming: a run behind OG Lone Star, the only question being who would take it: RB Mutt or FB Teeny. The ball was snapped and Leaf handed off to Teeny, who put his head down and barreled into the line. But in a shocking move, Albuquerque run blitzed six players to stuff the play and send the game into overtime…

…but wait, is that wily veteran QB Leaf sneaking off to the side? Unreal! A play-action naked bootleg putting Leaf alone in the flat headed towards the left sideline and end zone. Unheralded Isotope DE Kearney almost made the play of his career by switching directions from almost jumping into the pile after Teeny to sprinting out to catch Leaf (not the most nimble QB, many others could’ve scored just running the ball there), but with the clock reading 00:00, Leaf floated a pass to wide open rookie receiver Cool Finlandia, who caught the ball for his first ZFL TD. Good defensive call by Albuquerque, but San Antonio was well-prepared and squeaks away with a 28-21 victory.

Standings:

PT 1-0 (0) (tied)
LA 1-0 (0) (tied)
BH 1-0 (7)
SA 1-0 (21)
EP 1-0 (28)
KX 1-0 (35)
MW 0-1 (14)
AQ 0-1 (28) (tied)
CN 0-1 (28) (tied)
CH 0-1 (31)
FG 0-1 (35)
LR 0-1 (42)

[sachmo71]

Whoa, that was close! Good game, Albuquerque!

[JeeberD]

El Paso's in first place!!!!!!!

OK, it's a six way tie, but still...

[Swaggs]

Sonofabitch!

[tucker342]

Oh ya! Undefeated!

[The Afoci]

Ouch.

[korme]

damn you marmel!

[Marmel]

Originally Posted by Shorty3281

damn you marmel!

I own you, you little bitch.

[tucker342]

bump

[JAG]

Guys, I'm very sorry about this one. When I was doing the results for week 2, I realized that I had miscounted something from the week before. I need to set the record straight on a game from the first week and redo stats and thus the writeup for that game for this evening. After that (hopefully the last f-up for a while ), I should have week 2 later this evening or Tuesday the latest.

[sachmo71]

Rookie.

[NevStar]

Yeah, I figured Ryan Leaf couldn't win a close game. He's Ryan Leaf!

[JeeberD]

Please say El Paso didn't lose...

[JAG]

Week 1 Revisited

El Paso - Chicago

The game started off with a big crunch, as RB Randy Steele of Chicago’s first run of the day went for 7 yards up the gut behind a huge Tom Sanders pancake of El Paso DT Dan “Little Sister” Wilkinson and was brought down with a heavy hit from behind by MLB Brian Bosworth. Chicago kept to the ground for most of their first drive with great success and ended with a 4 yard Steele scamper outside (trying to stay away from Bosworth) for a 7-0 Chicago lead. El Paso immediately went to their own running game to counter. They had a good plan for the day: see if the offensive linemen can handle one-on-one blocking against the rookie Chicago DTs and leave FB Rashaan Salaam to lead block on MLB El Capone. While the strategy didn’t do wonders for Salaam’s running stats for the game, with his excellent blocking on Capone, RB Blair Thomas was given plenty of space to run. At the Chicago 39, El Paso lined up both receivers on the right side of the field and sent them on go routes, leaving the Chicago secondary no choice but to cover them down the field. McGwire snapped the ball to Thomas, who followed his blocks perfectly and then threw a move on ancient 35-year-old Chicago OLB Ray Brown to leave him in the dust as he zipped down the left sideline for a long TD gain to tie the game at 7.

In the end, both sides did great running the ball, garnering almost equal totals and getting 3 TDs a side (Steele 104 yds and 2 TDs, Hackenstein 60 yds and 1 TD, Thomas 135 yds and 3 TDs). Special mention has to be given to Tom Sanders, who even when double-teamed was able to get a good push for El Paso. Neither passing game was much to write home about. Chicago put the clamps down with S Shut Down and CB Sean Sharper playing tight coverage on the El Paso wideouts all over the field, frequently leaving Dan McGwire no place to throw the ball. Chicago’s aerial attack faired little better, as El Paso’s secondary of S Patrick Bates and CB Tommy Knight were able to handle Chicago’s receivers.

Chicago had a final chance to win it in regulation late in the fourth quarter. With about 57 seconds left and facing 4th and goal from the 11, they had little choice but to put the ball in the air. They set receivers Chad Spears and rookie O. DeJuan Gavly to run crossing routes with Hackenstein and Steele staying in to block in a max protect scheme. El Paso lined up in a conventional defense, looking to play man-to-man with Bates on Gavly and Knight covering Spears. When the ball was snapped, the play broke down quickly for Chicago, as Spears tripped over his feet and fell down and OG Mark “Plays Like” Sheet got steamrolled by unremarkable El Paso DT Danny Noonan (fortunately for Chicago they kept their backs in to block or it would’ve been an easy sack). To make matters worse, when MLB Brian Bosworth saw the two Chicago running backs stay in to block, he ran full speed for QB Mike Marino to generate more pressure. He blew past the Chicago tackles and launched himself at Marino, who had to throw the ball before he was completely ready and with Gavly having gotten almost no separation from Patrick Bates. Just before he was pasted by Bosworth, Marino threw a perfect ball to the near right corner of the end zone low where only Gavly could make a play on it. Gavly dove, arms outstretched and………………….




















and………………….




















CAUGHT IT! Yes, a Chicago wideout actually caught a touchdown pass (granted, the throw was better than the catch considering Bosworth’s pressure on Marino and the placement of the throw). El Paso had time for one more McGwire bomb down the field, but S Shut Down’s coverage was perfect (the receiver had to play defense on the play) and pulled in a game-ending INT to complete a Chicago victory over El Paso 28-21.

Revised standings after Week 1
PT 1-0 (0) (tied)
LA 1-0 (0) (tied)
BH 1-0 (7)
SA 1-0 (21) (tied)
CH 1-0 (21) (tied)
KX 1-0 (35)
MW 0-1 (14)
AQ 0-1 (28) (tied)
CN 0-1 (28) (tied)
EP 0-1 (28) (tied)
FG 0-1 (35)
LR 0-1 (42)

[JeeberD]

Bring back revrew! We need a new commish!!!

[illinifan999]

Excellent. 2nd round pick making himself useful in the first game.

[JAG]

Week 2:

Week 2 had a little something for everyone. You like blowouts? We’ve got a couple for you. You like surprises? We’ve got a pretty good one cooked up for you. Inept offenses? Oh yeah. Teams going from Jekyll to Hyde from week 1 to 2 and teams showing the same old same old? Check and check. Without further ado…

*****

Portland was coming off a dominating win over the Muscle Men in week 1 while Fargo was looking to bounce back from a crushing defeat by the Olympians. How could Fargo hope to stand against the 2007 ZFL champs?

Portland started off moving the ball with ease down the field, keeping a good mix of runs and passes. However, as they lined up for a 4th and goal, a rare lapse by a Portland offensive lineman, OT Lothar von Richthofen, allowed DE Chesty to pressure QB Paddy O’ into an incompletion. An early bit of good fortune for Fargo…

…that was instantly wiped out on the next play. QB Poopiehead snapped the ball and turned to take a 7-step drop. After 4 steps, he was blasted from behind by Military Middle DT Captain Bipto, who went completely unblocked by ‘Fish OG Largesmallboobs. Poopiehead couldn’t hold onto the ball and Captain Bipto picked it up himself to score on a short TD return. Things went downhill from there for the ‘Fish. Running outside to stay away from the tough Portland DTs, Glutton for Punishment had some success on the ground (85 yards, 1 TD), but Poopiehead never recovered from his first offensive play of the day, throwing for only 135 yards and an INT (Portland CB Master Hu Li’s 3rd in 2 weeks). Meanwhile, Portland didn’t fail to score again, with WR Manfred von Richthofen catching 8 passes for 154 yards and 2 TDs and Lothar Dirtpounder pounding out 144 yards and 2 TDs running behind the great Portland offensive line. The Fighting Crawfish had déjà vu all over again this week and lose again 35-7.

*****

Cincinnati tried to right their ship this week against El Paso, their former partner in expansion, after getting beat down by the LA Stars in Week 1. El Paso was coming off a disappointing loss to Chicago and was hoping rookie QB Dan McGwire could step it up against the Chaps.

El Paso came out of the gate going to their short passing game, with McGwire picking on Chaps CB The Blacksmith. McGwire was able to sidestep the rush and easily pick apart Cincinnati’s secondary in a fantastic first half performance of 233 yards passing, 3 TDs, and no INTs. Former first round pick QB Mr. Shmallow tried to answer McGwire’s performance, but MLB Brian Bosworth had a great first half in covering the middle to near side of the field and Mr Shmallow could only manage 100 yards passing and a TD. The score at halftime was 21-7 in favor of El Paso.

The second half saw more Buster domination as they turned their attention to the ground after having softened up the Chap defense. All-Pro FB Rashaan Salaam had a great half picking up 75 yards (most coming on second-effort runs) and a TD, while RB Blair Thomas chipped in 62 yards and a TD. The score was 35-7 late in the fourth when Cincinnati was able to get a garbage time TD by FB Pom Pom to bring the final score to 35-14 El Paso, as the Busters equal their win total from last year in week 2 of this season.

*****

After a poor offensive performance against the always-tough Portland defense, Milwaukee was looking forward to having the Isotopes in town. Albuquerque was wondering how they had such a tough draw with defenses these first two weeks, having to deal with the solid Musclemen linebackers and rookie DT No Name Necessary.

Scary as the Muscle Men defense is, the Isotopes were able to score against the Margaritas, so they should be able to go crazy on anyone, right? Well, Milwaukee came to play today. Albuquerque couldn’t accomplish much with their running game today. DT No Name Necessary turned a number of plays outside, where OLB Superman was ready to take down RB Guy Incognito. The only play of note Albuquerque was able to get anything on was a great double-team block on Superman by OT Ralph Wiggum and FB Drederick Tatum, springing Incognito for a 29 yard TD run. Albuquerque had to turn to their passing game to get more production. However, with Superman patrolling from side to side and MLB Zach Thomas showing good range in the middle, the Isotopes had to look to dump-off passes and deep passes to get anything going. With good pressure from the Milwaukee front and good coverage from both CB Pattrick Surtain and S Brock Marion, Sizzlack was only able to connect on two bombs for TDs, one each to WR The Cheat and WR Quagmire. Holding the Isotopes to 21 points is very respectable, but could Milwaukee come out firing on all cylinders offensively to take advantage of their defensive effort?

Surprisingly, Albuquerque put the clamps down on defense. Milwaukee’s QB Dan Marino Jr. had troubles with consistency which stalled a number of drives, while RB Ricky Williams and FB Bulldozer had trouble finding daylight with DT Nelson “The Hammer” Muntz eating up space in the middle and OLB Kearney shedding blocks on the outside. In all, Williams managed a respectable 101 yards and a TD on the day, but he wasn’t the playmaker Milwaukee needed to make a difference. Without the consistency in the passing game and with the offensive line giving an overall poor performance, too many Muscle Men drives stalled and the Isotopes walked away with a 21-7 victory.

*****

Chicago was coming off a game where they won, but gave up 3 TDs on the ground and now faced ZFL superstar RB Rajah Saleem. Little Rock was coming off a typical Thumbless torching. This game would actually be quite similar to Chiacgo’s first one in three ways.

The first was that Chicago’s wrecking ball attack was not slowed in the least by the Little Rock front 6 (160 yards and 3 TDs total on the day). Despite the Slick Willies boasting some studs on the DL, it takes a very tough defense to slow down Chicago’s excellent offensive line (here’s where we throw in the name Tom Sanders) and running backs (here’s where we mention Randy Steele and Josh Hackenstein. Get used to hearing these guys’ names, not like you aren’t already).

The second was that Chicago’s air attack was mainly pitiful, as it was against El Paso. Mike “Air” Marino’s blood pressure these past two games looked as if it was going to be fatal if he had to keep watching WR Chad Spears break off his routes early or OG Mark “Plays like” Sheet whiff on another block of a Little Rock defender. Rookie safety Red Herring was especially solid in coverage for Little Rock, smashing the few Eagles who actually caught the ball near him and Marino could only manage 131 yards and 1 INT on the day.

The third was that Chicago’s run defense failed to contain an opponent’s ground game. RB Rajah Saleem routinely made something out of nothing and broke off huge gains both inside and outside, and finished with 174 yards and 3 TDs on the day.

The only question left to answer was, how would Chicago’s solid young secondary hold up against the Slick Willie budding star QB Johnny Rotten? The answer was: quite well. For most of the game, Johnny Rotten was kept from doing much damage due to the outstanding coverage by the Chicago defensive backs on Little Rock’s receivers. Little Rock was finally able to muster up an attack at the very end of the fourth quarter. Johnny Rotten, looking for a little fourth quarter magic on a fourth down pass, saw WR Bruce Spinner get a step on CB Sean Sharper and threw a dart at him that he caught…but just as quickly as he caught it, the ball was separated from him by a bone-crushing hit from safety Shut Down, who was in the area due to a poorly run route from WR Carlton Bender. The referee ruled no catch and with no time left on the clock, the game was tied at 21 all. Bring on the kickers!

Fans watched as two of the league’s least accomplished kickers, Little Rock rookie Mr. Ed Jr., who appeared quite nervous for his first official bout, and Chicago’s Little Foot, took the field. Surprisingly, the battle chosen was one of wits and not of physical prowess. The kickers each sat down on opposite sides of a board of backchesseckers, a rarely-seen combination of backgammon, chess, and checkers, as 100-foot picture screens were set up around the stadium so the crowd could see the “action”. It was clear from the start that neither kicker had played before (Bruce Handily probably would’ve had a good laugh at their strategies), but Mr. Ed Jr. seemed to pick things up fairly well, and had a great move when he rolled double 4s and his bishop triple-jumped two pawns and a knight of Little Foot’s pieces. Little Foot, flustered, made a rookie move 3 moves later when he rolled a 7 and moved his queen into a prime position to get jumped. Mr. Ed Jr. only needed to roll a 5 or higher (or double-2s) and did by rolling a 6, jumping Little Foot’s queen with his knight and, by moving it to the other end of the board, made his knight a combination king-queen. Little Foot knocked over his king in disgust, indicating his resignation. Little Rock wins 24-21.

*****

LA had a solid effort in crushing the Chaps week 1 while San Antonio was able to squeak out a win against the Sizzlack-led Isotopes. The champs must’ve breathed a sigh of relief going from facing Kid Gruesome to facing QB Bernie Mac.

San Antonio decided they were going to run early and often to slow down the Toby McGwire pass rush and not put their receivers in a position where they were going to be blasted by Ray Liotta. Despite Brad Pitt having a terrific day tackling (16 tackles), the Margaritas had their way on the ground, garnering about a 2:1 time of possession advantage to go along with 153 yards and 3 TDs (2 from RB Mutt, 1 from FB Teeny), while WR Finlandia, The Chilly pulled in a TD along with 83 yards receiving. The Stars’ offense meanwhile couldn’t generate much all day against San Antonio. Bernie Mac was tortured by Ray Lewis in coverage (1 INT) and pass rushing (2 sacks), with the whole Margarita defense totaling 8 sacks on the day. Even the vaunted Rodney Dangerfield-led running game of LA could only total a sad 58 yards and 1 TD. San Antonio flexes its muscles behind a 28-7 stomping of the Stars.

*****

A great matchup today of offense vs. defense with the vaunted Redneck offense taking on the Olympians’ divine defense. Which side of the ball would be the winner today?

On the first play of the game, offense won. QB Thumbless Jackson threw up a terrific pass to a galloping WR Jackson Jackson who sprinted past Birminham secondary weak-link CB Hektor for a 74 yard TD. After that, the Olympians decided they needed more pressure on Thumbless to have a shot at winning and told DEs Atlantis and Another Atlantis to essentially abandon defending the run and concentrate solely on taking down the QB. The strategy was successful overall, as Thumbless was limited to 140 yards passing and a TD to Luke Jackson for the remainder of the game, while the Atlantis brothers totaled 4 sacks and 8 hurries. The Olympians were able to pick up some good yardage against the Knoxville defense, but their offense kept stalling as they would get within scoring range. Finally, just before halftime, RB Roman took a plunge behind guard Another Troy for a 3 yard TD and brought the score to 14-7 in favor of Knoxville.

Midway through the third quarter, the Olympians were able to get another short yardage plunge using the same combination as they did before halftime and tied the game at 14-14. On the ensuing Knoxville possession, the ‘Necks finally were able to use Atlantis’ aggression against him on their own 45 yard line with a draw play to his side of the field. RB Leon Jackson took the ball, picked up a nice block from FB Jarret Jackson on OLB Aristotle, and shot down the sideline. Safety Odysseus charged hard from the other side of the field, but at the Olympian 10, Leon put on the breaks and cut to the middle. Odysseus overran him and Leon Jackson went in for a 21-14 Knoxville lead. The rest of the game was a variety of long drives but in a bit of a surprise, Knoxville’s defense bent but didn’t break. The ‘Necks knock off one of the preseason favorites by a score of 21-14 and keep their undefeated record another week.

Standings after week 2

PT 2-0 (7)
SA 2-0 (28)
KX 2-0 (49)
LA 1-1 (28) (tied)
BH 1-1 (28) (tied)
AQ 1-1 (35)
EP 1-1 (42)
CH 1-1 (45)
LR 1-1 (63)
MW 0-2 (35)
CN 0-2 (63)
FG 0-2 (70)

[JeeberD]

So how long before this win is revoked...

[JAG]

LOL!

I do have to apologize again though, that reversal the first week was cruel...but at least I have illinifan solidly in my corner.

[JeeberD]

Not a problem, but only because I know you're a faithful Cowboys fan. If it had been a Niners or Skins fan who had done that there would have been hell to pay...

[illinifan999]

Stupid kicker.

[sachmo71]

Portland is looking GOOD!

[sachmo71]

Dola...

Just posting this so I don't have to look at the other thread for the schedule.

2008 ZFL Schedule

Week 2008 Season
1 CH - EP FG - BH SA - AQ LA - CN PT - MW LR - KX

2 CN - EP MW - AQ KX - BH LR - CH PT - FG LA - SA

3 PT - EP LR - LA KX - SA MW - FG CN - CH AQ - BH

4 BH - EP CH - AQ FG - CN SA - MW LA - KX PT - LR

5 LR - EP PT - KX LA - MW SA - CN FG - AQ CH - BH

6 SA - EP LA - FG PT - CH LR - BH KX - AQ MW - CN

7 AQ - EP BH - CN CH - MW FG - KX SA - LR LA - PT

8 FG - EP SA - CH LA - BH PT - AQ LR - CN KX - MW

9 MW - EP KX - CN LR - AQ PT - BH LA - CH SA - FG

10 LA - EP PT - SA LR - FG KX - CH MW - BH CN - AQ

11 KX - EP LR - MW PT - CN LA - AQ SA - BH FG - CH

Schedule Highlights:

Week 1: The vaunted Sizzlack-led offense against the suffocating Magarita defense should make for a great opening week game. Little Rock rookie S Red Herring gets a huge test in his first game against the famed Knoxville receivers. A lot of competitive games for the opening week.

Week 2: The expansion teams (albeit a number of years later) go at it with El Paso looking for revenge from last season's loss.

Week 3: Another good week for offense vs. defense, as KX and AQ square off against SA and BH.

Week 4: OT Charlie, one of Fargo's first round draft picks, gets to tangle with an All-Pro DE in CN's Strong Mad.

Week 5: If MW-LA is tied at the end of 4, it will be a duel between perhaps the two most decorated kickers ever in the ZFL with Little Val Kilmer and Bruce "I'll kick your butt!" Handily. Also, two top young QB's duel in LR's Johnny Rotten and EP's Dan McGwire.

Week 6: Another Thumbless - Sizzlack duel and will we finally settle the Flamebeard - Sanders debate?

Week 7: Rookie DT's have a tough week with MW DT No Name Necessary gets to test his mettle against Chicago's OG Tom Sanders and LA's Bob Sagat against PT's Eric Flamebeard. Will Sanders have finally met his match? Will Flamebeard be disarmed against Sagat's wit and humor?

Week 8: Can Superman and the rest of the Musclemen defense hold off the Knoxville offense?

Week 9: Good battle of rookies on tap with Chap first round pick WR Population: Tire going head-to-head with LR S Red Herring.

Week 10: The PT - SA game determined the ZFL champion last year. Will it determine who wins the revrew trophy this year?

Week 11: Thumbless and rookie QB McGwire go head-to-head for the first time in their careers. Will the rook show up the veteran? Also, two top running teams collide in the Chicago - Fargo game.

[JeeberD]

Sach has a custom title now. I wish I could get a custom title...

[revrew]

SA gets EIGHT sacks against the LA O-line? No way. The Stars must have had a wicked off game. They're better than that. I think Bernie Mac is just an overrated QB who holds on to the ball too long.

(I'm givin' ya a hard time, JAG. You're doin' great. I just have a soft spot for the twin tackles in LA--no matter how hard I tried to demonstrate that they were among the elite OTs in the league, they just didn't seem to get the love in probowl voting and such. Keep up the good work.)

[Coffee Warlord]

I think Rev and JAG should peition Skydog to give custom titles to all former ZFL champions. Give us a little something else to play for.

[tucker342]

damn! Good game Knoxville

[digamma]

thanks, tucker.

sachmo, let's get it on.

[Marmel]

Originally Posted by revrew

SA gets EIGHT sacks against the LA O-line? No way. The Stars must have had a wicked off game. They're better than that. I think Bernie Mac is just an overrated QB who holds on to the ball too long.

(I'm givin' ya a hard time, JAG. You're doin' great. I just have a soft spot for the twin tackles in LA--no matter how hard I tried to demonstrate that they were among the elite OTs in the league, they just didn't seem to get the love in probowl voting and such. Keep up the good work.)

Bernie really is not good, but there is no way that line gives up 2 sacks, nevermind 8. That sucks.

[JAG]

I know now why revrew is the author and I'm the struggling ZFL publisher (among other reasons I'm sure)...he apparently can write a good bit faster than I can. The game reports are taking me a good bit longer to write than I wish they would and I'm sorry you guys will have to wait yet again for them. To make things worse, the best time for me to write would be weekends, and I've been away the past two weekends (and leave today until Sunday evening as well). The good news is I will be home the following weekend, so I'll try to get a little ahead of myself to keep a better pace for the future. It's probably not going to be until Sunday evening or possibly Monday until I can get out Week 3.

I will say this though: Week 3 was a heck of a week.

[sachmo71]

Take your time. Don't let it become a job.

[revrew]

Originally Posted by JAG

I know now why revrew is the author and I'm the struggling ZFL publisher (among other reasons I'm sure)...he apparently can write a good bit faster than I can. The game reports are taking me a good bit longer to write than I wish they would and I'm sorry you guys will have to wait yet again for them. .

JAG, been there.

The game reports do take longer than you might imagine. At this point, however, I have noticed you're going into a bit more detail...writing a bit longer descriptions than I did. It'll also go a bit smoother when you really get to know the players and see patterns emerging year after year (like the 'Military Middle' and MLBs who must be having great games because the line in front of them stinks). If you're keeping track of stats too...well, it takes a certain amount of prioritizing. How much of this am I going to do? And what can I cut out?

I'm glad to see the other guys are being patient. When I was cranking out 2-3 weeks of action per week, I was really going overboard, burnin' out.

[JAG]

Week 3
All I can say is “Wow”. The games really speak for themselves. Without further ado…

*****

No one really expected Portland - El Paso to be a close match-up. The Busters are young and still need help in numerous areas. The Sea Biscuits won their first two games easily and have championship aspirations this year. El Paso did, however, bring the 3rd ranked ZFL offense to the table.

As it turns out, they would need that 3rd ranking, as Portland’s offense exploded on El Paso today. G Erik Flamebeard of the Neither Here Nor There let out a booming laugh when he saw who the Busters trotted out to get past him. Danny Noonan? Dan “Little Sister” Wilkinson? Please. Flamebeard had a field day pancaking each of them (even getting both on one play, a play that will surely be on his future Hall of Fame highlight reel), which allowed Portland to put a number of bodies on El Paso star MLB Brian Bosworth. RB Lothar Dirtopunder started many of his runs 4 yards down the field and finished with 157 yards and 3 TDs. Portland had little trouble passing the ball either. Buster S Patrick Bates had his hands full covering WR Manfred von Richthofen, who had 112 yards and 1 TD on the day, while teammate WR Khan Ogadai was able to get 76 yards and a TD on a decent effort from CB Tommy Knight. QB Paddy O didn’t get sacked once on the day and was rarely even pressured (OT Leonardo Ruiz Al Elvaro, sometimes taken for granted, held DE Courtney Brown to no sacks and no tackles).

To stay in the game, El Paso needed their offense to click. One minor problem: that gaudy offensive ranking came against the likes of Chicago and Cincinnati, neither team which would be confused with Portland when it comes to defense. Running the ball against the Military Middle with their average OL was futile. Blair Thomas and Rashaan Salaam are usually solid backs, but when they were getting hit as they touched the ball in the backfield, they weren’t able to make any impact on the game. CB Master Hu Li and S Black Mage swallowed up the El Paso receivers and McGwire had his first taste of real ZFL defensive pressure. McGwire did have one good play this game to crow about; he got Black Mage to bite on a pump fake and hit a streaking WR Rae “I’m Innocent!” Carruth in stride for a 55 yard TD. Alas for El Paso, it wasn’t even close to enough. Portland gets another dominant victory, busting up the Busters to the tune of 35-7.

*****

The Muscle Men had a tough pair of games to open the season and struggled on offense, but the defense had overall been even better than last year. The ‘Fish were blown out in each of their opening games as their offseason personnel moves had yet to pay dividends.

This was to be another tough day for the Fargo offense (15 points in 2 games). The Ordinary Guys tandem of OG Ray and OT Charlie helped the right side of the line get a little push for a while, giving RB Glutton for Punishment a little room for a few decent runs, but overall, OLB Superman was his usual super self, flying through blocks and generally making like hellish for Fargo. DT No Name Necessary had an easy day lining up over OG Largesmallboobs and was frequently in the backfield on running and passing plays. QB El Poopiehead still has yet to figure out the ZFL, missing on some chances at times to hook up with both WRs Lobsterboy and Kaptian Insano. On one throw, he had a Neil O’Donnell-to-Larry Brownesque INT pass to CB Patrick Surtain. In the end, Fargo was able to move the ball on the ground some (60 yards each from Glutton for Punishment and Ty Wick), but finished with no points on the day.

The Fighting Crawfish defense was left to bail out the struggling offense. Unfortunately for Fargo, the defense struggled for a third straight week. The Muscle Men, who had issues with their OL through the first two weeks, were able to hold the line against the inferior Fargo DL, finally giving RB Ricky Williams and FB Bulldozer a chance to shine. Bulldozer had a terrific day blocking against the Fargo LBs as MLB Santa was too inexperienced to get into better position and OLB Chris was just far too overmatched. Williams both slashed and powered his way to 118 yards and 3 scores, while WR Lightning flashed for a TD after getting behind safety Safety Boy, as Milwaukee got their first win on the season 28-0.

*****

The Stars have played the good (San Antonio) and the bad (Cincinnati), so it’s only fitting that this week they play a team (Little Rock) that won in an ‘ugly’ kickers’ duel last week. Little Rock’s had its share of exciting games with a close one it eeked out in Chicago and a shootout with Knoxville where it fell just short. This game had special meaning to the Stars however as fans in LA were highly critical this week of the offense’s performance, especially the offensive line and quarterback, after they gave up a franchise-record 8 sacks last week. To add to the fans’ concerns, lining up against OT Freddie Prinze Jr. would be DE L.L. JeeberD, one of the key cogs in Little Rock’s young defense.

The Slick Willies’s defense is still a work in progress however, and their run defense has been especially ragged to start the season. Nothing much changed there today, as RB Rodney Dangerfield carved up the Little Rock defense with help from his offensive line, finding room inside with OG Howard Stern holding off DT Henry Blitzen and rookie OG Mark Goodman easily pushing DT Rock Knutne around. Despite the success running inside, Dangerfield actually did even better running outside, as OTs Freddie Prinze Jr. and Mathew McConaughey were able to hold the edge against the Little Rock DEs and Slick Willie MLB Certain Breakout did not have the range to help on the outside runs.

The Stars’ passing game, however, didn’t come close to keeping up with their rushing game. QB Bernie Mac was inconsistent passing the ball again, at times staring at the Slick Willies’ pass rushers instead of downfield. Safety Red Herring picked off Bernie Mac twice and OLB Little Ray came up with an INT in the end zone to end a Star drive. On the day, WR Joe Pesci ended with 0 catches against CB Tommy “TNT” Toothpick while Herring’s great coverage on Ashton Kucher held him to a mere 65 yards.

For the Slick Willies, QB Johnny Rotten enjoyed a similarly tough day throwing, managing only 140 yards and a TD, with S Ray Liotta gathering an INT for the Stars. However, Little Rock’s other offensive hero RB Rajah Saleem did not disappoint, as he was able to use his speed to get away from stud MLB Brad Pitt enough times to dent the Star defense, rushing for 121 yards and 2 TDs. The score stayed at 21-21 for most of the 4th quarter with Rajah helping the Slick Willies get better field position towards the end of the quarter. On the final play of the 4th from the Stars’ 15 yard line, Johnny Rotten rolled out to his right, looking for WR Bruce Spinner in the end zone. DE Toby McGwire got him to focus on something more pressing however, taking a great wide rushing line to go around Keith “Slap” Slapinski and flushing Johnny Rotten back towards the middle of the field. Alas for Rotten, the LA DTs were able to tie up the guards and free Brad Pitt to blast through the line. FB Johnny “Kid” Rock made a valiant effort to chip Pitt, but failed. Pitt crashed into Rotten from the front while McGwire finished him off from behind. To Rotten’s credit, he somehow held onto the ball and time expired with the score still tied at 21. Bring on the kickers!

Mr. Ed Jr. trotted out for the second consecutive week, but faced a far more impressive opponent this time around in long-time kicking great Little Val Kilmer. The kickers looked on as the field was set up for the competition. 2 sets of trampolines were brought out along each sideline and strategically placed from the end zone to the 50 yard line. A ribbon was tied across the first two end zone trampolines. The contest was for each kicker to perform three jumps on each trampoline, getting ‘air’ with each jump, before leaping to the next trampoline in the sequence. After jumping off the final trampoline, the kicker would then don 75-pound lead boots and do a 50-yard sprint to the goal line. First kicker to break the ribbon wins.

At the gun, both kickers were off and jumping. Both got off to very good starts, quickly getting used to the three short – one long jump pattern. At the 25 yard line, Little Val Kilmer pushed a little hard on his jump and missed the trampoline, forcing him to scramble back to the trampoline he jumped off and repeat his three jumps. Mr. Ed Jr. took advantage of this and slowed down his jumps a little, sacrificing speed for consistency. He finished the trampoline jumps a decent bit ahead of Little Val and started on the lead boot sprint.

Well, maybe ‘sprint’ was a bit too kind. The combination of the heavy weights plus having to deal with ‘normal’ gravity again forced Mr. Ed Jr. to settle into a slow, comical gait having to throw his whole body to take a single step, then throw it the other direction to move the other leg. He was only able to make it to the 40 yard line before Little Val finished his trampoline jumps. Little Val quickly put on the boots and chased after Mr. Ed Jr. It looked like Little Val’s powerful leg muscles gave him an advantage here, but would he have enough distance to catch up? Closer and closer Little Val narrowed the gap.

When Mr. Ed Jr. hit the 20, Little Val had neared to within 5 yards.

At the 10, Little Val was only a yard and a half behind.

At the 5, the two were neck and neck, but was Little Val slowing from the exertion of catching up?

At the goal line, the two burst through the ribbon simultaneously. A photo finish! Would the ZFL get its first ever tie?

The zebras convened to determine the outcome of the race. After carefully examining the film, it was clear who the winner was. Little Val at the last moment had ducked his head to reach the ribbon just in front of Mr. Ed Jr’s body. A great finish to a close match as Little Val Kilmer comes through for LA once again. Stars 24, Slick Willies 21.

*****

The Margaritas got lit up by Moe Sizzlack and the Isotopes back in week one, but Albuquerque couldn’t quite close the deal. How would the Margaritas match up against the Thumbless-led offense of Knoxville? This two 2-0 teams squared off in this week’s marquee match-up.

Against the Olympians last week, Thumbless Jackson tried an early bomb to JJ which worked for a long score. This week on the first play, the ‘Necks ran a deep crossing route with Luke and Jackson Jackson. CB Bryant Westbrook got a bit confused and lost a step in covering JJ. Needless to say, that was plenty of room for Thumbless to hit him for Jackson Jackson’s second 70+ yard TD pass in two weeks, giving KX an early 7-0 lead. The Magaritas came back with a TD on their opening drive, behind a good mixture of passes to WR Cool Finlandia and Primetime, and runs by RB Mutt. On the next Redneck drive on the Margaritas 40 yard line, DE All Pro shot around OT Lucius Jackson and forced a Thumbless fumble which was scooped up by MLB Ray Lewis. Lewis returned the fumble 30 yards before being brought down by a streaking JJ.

The rest of the day belonged to San Antonio. The running game (Mutt – 124 yards and 2 TDs, Teeny – 22 yards, 1 TD) set up the pass as KX Safety Pass it Somewhere Else Jackson was victimized once each by the SA WRs. On defense, Knoxville was unable to get anything on the ground as OG Fort Sumter Jackson could only block one of the SA DTs (Aragon and Sack U) at a time. MVP Ray Lewis had enough freedom to make plays on RB Leon Jackson. Leon’s smooth moves are usually enough to get past most defenders, but Lewis and OLB Pops helped hold him to a paltry 48 yards on the day. With the running game ineffective, Thumbless had to take to the air more often than usual, and after a while, the SA DEs pinned their ears back and went straight for the QB. DE All Pro ended the day with 5 sacks and Ray O’ Light added another 3. With the relentless pressure and lack of running game, Thumbless could only manage one more touchdown. San Antonio gets a statement win with a 35-14 thrashing of Knoxville.

*****

Chicago was a game of backchesseckers away from a 2-0 start to the season, while the Chaps were coming off a pair of beatings the past two weeks and hoping to at least be competitive against the Eagles.

Their hopes were dashed in the first half as Chicago jumped out to a 21-0 lead on the strength of their wrecking ball attack. FB Josh Hackenstein laid down a devastating block on MLB Fluffy Puff Marshmallow, springing Randy Steele to a 38 yard TD, while midway through the second quarter, OG Tom Sanders pushed DT Eh, Steve! about 15 yards downfield to give Steele plenty of room on a 25 yard TD run. Steele finished the half…the half!...with 117 yards and 3 TDs. Chicago actually could’ve been up 28-0 as rookie WR O. DeJuan Gavly had a couple of steps on CB The Blacksmith, but DE Strong Mad took a page from last season in bull rushing past OT Fatman Jones for a sack of Mike “Air” Marino.

After the first half, things started to get interesting. First, the Cincinnati offense, after a vicious tongue-lashing from QB Mr. Shmallow at the half, came out looking as inspired as they had all year. The Chaps connected on consecutive passes of 25 and 20 yards to WRs Senor Cardgage and Population: Tire respectively, on two of the finer passes Mr Shmallow has thrown (he completed them on S Shut Down and CB Sean Sharper after all…of course, had he been under more pressure, he may never have had the chance to throw them). Finally, on the Chicago 8 yard line, RB Bubs scored on an outside run where FB PomPom laid out the ancient Eagle OLB Ray Brown, cutting the Chicago lead to 21-7.

Meanwhile, Chicago made a big adjustment at the half. Figuring Cincinnati would overplay the run and wanting to get their passing offense going after having scored 9 TDs running to 1 TD passing over the 5 halves they had played this year, they switched to a more vertical downfield attack. Early in the drive, Mike “Air” Marino dropped back to throw and hit WR Chad Spears on an 8 yard slant over the middle. Spears caught the ball (amazingly) but was then blown up by MLB Fluffy Puff Marshmallow. The hit separated Spears from the ball. Fumble! Marshmallow was the closest player to the ball and was able to pick it up on the second bounce. He had gone about 5 yards when he came face-to-face with OG Tom Sanders. As Sanders brought Marshmallow down, Fluffy Puff alertly lateralled the ball to S It’s Dot Com!, who was able to elude the rest of the Chicago offense and belly-flopped in the end zone. Are you kidding me? Cincinnati, with all its defensive struggles, scores on defense? The Chaps get a fantastic play to cut the Eagle lead to 7. But then the whistle blew. The zebras hurt the Chaps badly when they ruled that Spears never had possession of the ball and it was an incomplete pass, negating their defensive score. On Chicago’s ensuing play, Marino set up a screen pass to Josh Hackenstein with Tom Sanders in front along with a rare blocking assignment for RB Randy Steele. What followed was an amazing series of blocks by Steele and Sanders, along with Hackenstein rumbling through three would-be tacklers en route to a 68 TD pass that brought the score to 28-7 and sucked the wind out of Cincinnati’s sails. Chicago tacked on a late meaningless touchdown to WR O. DeJuan Gavly and hard-luck Cincinnati was on the wrong end of a blowout again, losing 35-7 to Chicago.

*****

The Olympians were upset by the offensive juggernaut Knoxville Rednecks last week and were looking to correct their mistakes against the similarly-offensively talented Albuquerque Isotopes. Flash back to last season: Sizzlack had one of his worst days against the Olympian defense, only getting 159 yards and a TD. Could Birmingham do it again?

The Olympian running game was solid today. The Isotopes especially had no answer to the simple Power Right running behind massive OG Another Troy, as HB Roman had a fine day with 104 yards and 2 TDs. But give Albuquerque’s defense credit, as they stepped it up for a second week in a row. Another Troy was too tough for the Isotope DTs, so they lined up Nelson “The Hammer” Muntz over OG Norman, who no one will confuse with A.T. Nelson routinely collapsed the pocket, giving DEs Disco Stu and Strong Bad some space to rush Olympian QB Zeus Reloaded. And with the great coverage by the Albuquerque secondary of S Troy McClure and CB James L. Brooks, ZR had little chance to pass the ball, mustering only 127 yards on the day. 14 points against the Isotopes is a sure bet for defeat.

But not today. Facing one of the top QBs in the ZFL, Birmingham gave the definition of an Olympian team effort. DTs Hera and Cyclopes were far too active for the mediocre Isotope guards to handle, while DEs Atlantis and Another Atlantis switched sides with great frequency to take turns pulverizing poor rookie OT U Ripberger (OT Ralph Wiggum was able to hold the other side). The success of the Olympian DL allowed LBs Excaliber and Aristotle to key on RB Guy Incognito and FB Drederick Tatum, who managed a combined 63 yards rushing on the day. And although WR Quagmire picked up 96 yards and a TD over CB Hektor, S Odysseus had one of his career best performances in coverage in holding The Cheat to a mere 1 catch for 8 yards.

The Isotopes were able to move the ball a little in the 4th quarter running behind OT Ralph Wiggum and with time enough left for one play, were down 14-7 and had the ball on the Olympian 6 yard line. The Isotopes lined up both receivers on the right, with Tatum and Incognito in a Pro Set formation, Incognito on the left and Tatum on the right. The Olympians were showing blitz pre-snap. On the snap, Sizzlack dropped back into a passing stance with The Cheat running a corner route and Quagmire running towards the deep center. As Sizzlack dropped back to Incognito, he handed the ball off on a draw play right behind Ralph Wiggum. Wiggum was able to hold the point of attack long enough to allow Incognito to get up the field past the pass rushers and outside away from the linebackers to score on a wide run, tying the game at 14. Bring on the kickers!

Olympian kicker Uranus garnered fame last season as he became the first and only kicker to beat Bruce Handily. Sir Gary Coleman has had a mostly anonymous career with the Isotopes. The contest for today’s game was a simple one: an elephant race from one end zone to the other (no harnesses of course. You have to be a real man to be a kicker in the ZFL). First kicker to get their elephant to go 100 yards wins (as an aside, ZFL officials were privately pleased to see this game go to overtime, as they were unprepared for the costs associated with transport and care of the animals).

As the gun sounded, Sir Gary Coleman urged his elephant on by moving towards the rear of the elephant and swinging his legs down in a kicking motion. The elephant didn’t exactly move at breakneck speed, but did start moving towards the other end zone. Uranus didn’t fare quite so well. He tried slapping the elephant’s back, but the elephant didn’t budge. He then moved to punching and jumping up and down, but still no go. Finally, as the Coleman elephant had completed 30 yards, Uranus got desperate. He made his way to the front of the elephant and screamed in its ear in an effort to get it moving.

Bad move.

The elephant swung its trunk back and knocked Uranus clear off its back. Apparently the elephant didn’t like having its ear screamed in and proceeded to try and stomp Uranus. He quickly retreated, nimbly zigzagging away from the enraged beast. Fortunately, he was able to escape with his life, but his dismal performance led to his forfeiting the match to Sir Gary Coleman. The Isotopes come away with the victory 17-14 as the Birmingham slide reached two games.


Standings after Week 3:

PT 3-0 (7)
SA 3-0 (42)
LA 2-1 (49) tied
AQ 2-1 (49) tied
CH 2-1 (52)
KX 2-1 (84)
MW 1-2 (35)
BH 1-2 (45)
EP 1-2 (77)
LR 1-2 (87)
CN 0-3 (98) tied
FG 0-3 (98) tied

[Marmel]

If Little Val is not a first ballot Hall of Famer, then I don't know who is.

[JeeberD]

Bleh.

I guess it really could have been much worse...

[Coffee Warlord]

Originally Posted by Marmel

If Little Val is not a first ballot Hall of Famer, then I don't know who is.

Oh, I dunno. Maybe a pair of gentlemen named Erik and Manfred?

[sachmo71]

Odd how my defense is giving up so many more points this year, but it actually improved on paper.

And Portland is spooky.

[NevStar]

Originally Posted by Coffee Warlord

Oh, I dunno. Maybe a pair of gentlemen named Erik and Manfred?

What about "Chairman" Moe Sizzlack?

[Coffee Warlord]

Originally Posted by NevStar

What about "Chairman" Moe Sizzlack?

Only if you trade him to Portland.

[Marmel]

Btu Seriously, Little Val comes through time and time again. And don't forget his winning save in the game that decided the ZLF Title for LA a few years back. He is not even an A rated Kicker, merely a B+. but he comes through every time when the game comes down to a 1 on 1 matchup. I want to have his children.

[illinifan999]

Originally Posted by Marmel

If Little Val is not a first ballot Hall of Famer, then I don't know who is.

The Eagles backfield and Tom Sanders.

[revrew]

Marmel has a point about Little Val. Would have to go through and check his records, but I believe Little Val is among the most active kickers in ZFL history. He might need to knock off Bruce Handily to really be considered great....(oh, wait. Has he done that?)

You might be able to make a case, Marmel, if you went back and dug up Little Val's records. But first ballot? Can any kicker make the hall first ballot? Discuss amongst yourselves...

By the way...if book writing was a dynasty...revrew just hit the 24,000 word mark. (It's my third book, but this was is especially challenging. I've got 3 months to pump out 50,000 words--and it's nonfiction. Yikes.)

[sachmo71]

Hooray, Rev! What's the book about?

[JAG]

Originally Posted by revrew

Marmel has a point about Little Val. Would have to go through and check his records, but I believe Little Val is among the most active kickers in ZFL history. He might need to knock off Bruce Handily to really be considered great....(oh, wait. Has he done that?)

You might be able to make a case, Marmel, if you went back and dug up Little Val's records. But first ballot? Can any kicker make the hall first ballot? Discuss amongst yourselves...

By the way...if book writing was a dynasty...revrew just hit the 24,000 word mark. (It's my third book, but this was is especially challenging. I've got 3 months to pump out 50,000 words--and it's nonfiction. Yikes.)

Agreed about Little Val. I'll do a little research after I post week 4 and see if he and Handily ever squared off and what their respective kicking records are.

Speaking of all that, I had some ideas about the ZHOF, but I'm going to wait a bit to discuss it as I have a few more things to iron out and I want to do a bit of research as well (it will coincide nicely with the kicker research).

BTW rev...good luck! Thanks for the update, good to hear from you as always.

[korme]

Originally Posted by sachmo71

Hooray, Rev! What's the book about?

only making assumptions based on what i know of rev, i assume it is a how-to on making babies

[sachmo71]

Originally Posted by Shorty3281

only making assumptions based on what i know of rev, i assume it is a how-to on making babies

Nice one, Shorty!

[revrew]

Originally Posted by sachmo71

Hooray, Rev! What's the book about?

At this point, about the only thing I'm confident of is the title. It is unbelievably harrowing to try to write a non-fiction book in 3 months. Most fiction books take 6 months. A non? 9 months to 1.5 yrs. So EVERYTHING is rough draft only at this point. So I won't give you any previews. But I will give you the title:

Brutally Honest: Talking with a God who can take it

I've got two other books I've written, but have never been published. A young adult fantasy book called Glenhaven's Son and my first, feeble attempt was a nonfiction called The Hopeful Hypocrite. I do have 5 books with my name on them, but they're all as an editor (my day job). You can check those out in the "Drew's Books" section of my website, www.storycraftcommunications.com

Ah, well, back to writing...

[JAG]

Week 4

El Paso had a rough outing last week against Portland. The games wouldn’t get much easier during their ‘Stretch of Death’ with Birmingham coming into town hopping mad after getting stomped by Albuquerque in last week’s elephant race (fortunately not literally).

Birmingham looked like a pissed team determined to win against El Paso. They went back to what had been successful in recent weeks, with HB Roman running behind OG Another Troy. MLB Brian Bosworth had an amazing day (19 tackles, 3 passes defensed), with most of his tackles coming on Roman. Unfortunately, the rest of his teammates didn’t provide much help, and Roman was able to pick up 94 yards rushing and 2 TDs on the day. The Olympian passing game had an impressive game considering the recent meltdowns in that area for them. WR Arnold Schwartzeneggar had a fine day catching 8 passes for 112 yards and a TD, and HB Roman chipped in on short receiving TD as QB Zeus Reloaded faced little pressure from the Busters’ DL.

28 points is a tall order against the Olympian D as El Paso quickly found out. Birmingham’s defensive line was far too talented for the Busters, and rookie QB Dan McGwire took a severe beating. DTs Hera and Cyclopes clogged the middle and allowed the Olympian linebackers OLB Aristotle and MLB Excaliber to make plays in the running game. If not for a nice flare from McGwire to FB Rashaan Salaam that went for a 15 yard TD, El Paso would’ve been shut out. As it was, for the second week, they could only manage a single touchdown in losing to Birmingham 28-7.

*****

Good match-up today in Portland, as the young Slick Willies were hoping to make a name for themselves by knocking off the 2006 champion Portland Sea Biscuits. That would be a challenging task however, as Portland has been rolling along this season, not even allowing an opponent to score more than a single touchdown.

That streak ended today. The Slick Willies used a good mix of runs and passes to move the ball somewhat well against the Portland defense. A nifty decoy play to RB Rajah Saleem allowed WR Bruce Spinner to be matched up on MLB Sectoid Commander. He wasn’t speedy enough to catch Spinner and, after a nice pass from QB Johnny Rotten, ran in for a 28 yard TD strike to give the Slick Willies the lead. On the following Portland possession, QB Paddy O’ had a throw tipped at the line by DE L.L. JeeberD which was picked off by safety Red Herring to give Little Rock another possession with good field position. They made good use of it with Rajah running off-tackle to avoid the Military Middle and eventually scoring on a 6 yard run as he threw a nice stiff arm to knock OLB Zoinks McAllister back into the end zone. Upset-minded Slick Willies 14, plain old upset Portland 0.

Portland reigned in their game plan, opting for a far more conservative plan than they had originally intended. RB Lothar Dirtpounder had some big runs following OG Erik Flamebeard’s blocks, eventually culminating in a 14 yard TD run to bring the score to 14-7 as the half ended. In the third, Little Rock was unable to convert their fourth downs, as Rotten’s favorite target WR Bruce Spinner was well covered by Portland CB Master Hu Li, while old and fading WR Carlton Bender lacked the burst to get separation from crafty safety Black Mage. Meanwhile, Portland’s ground game continued to churn out the yards as Dirtpounder busted out a 4 yard TD run off a great block by OT Leonardo Ruiz Al Elvaro on rookie DE L.L. AnotherJeeberD. 14-14 as the third quarter came to a close.

Saleem found the running especially tough in the fourth, as Portland looked exclusively for the outside run and took it away from him. When they tried to switch back to the middle, the Portland DTs beat the guards blocking them and combined with the linebackers to bring Saleem down before he could do much damage. Terrific defensive team effort on Portland’s part to keep the Slick Willies down. Portland got the ball back early in the 4th and settled in for a long drive. The Slick Willies knew what was coming most of the time, power runs up the middle behind Erik Flamebeard, but still could not stop it. Finally, Portland ran a little misdirection at the goal line, and as Dirtpounder ran towards the near pylon, WR Manfred von Richthofen, who didn’t have a great statistical day due to Portland’s conservative choice of offense (70 yards), sealed off CB Tommy “TNT” Toothpick and allowed Dirtpounder to score his third TD on the day, giving Portland a 21-14 lead. Little Rock’s next offensive series was smothered and Portland was able to run out the clock on their final series of the day. Great team effort all around from Portland in getting Lothar Dirtpounder a huge day’s total of 191 yards as the Sea Biscuits move their undefeated record to 4-0.

*****

Cincinnati and Fargo locked horns on the field in the game of the weak. These two teams have been downright miserable and have been outscored through three games by a combined total of 196-35. Would you believe that this would turn into one heck of a game?

Cincinnati finally woke its slumbering offense against the pitiful ‘Fish defense. QB Mr. Shmallow’s offensive line was able to give him some protection, while WRs Senor Cardgage and Population: Tire were able to get separation against the Fargo secondary. Mr. Shmallow enjoyed one of his finest days in the ZFL throwing for 260 yards and 3 TDs. Meanwhile, the Fargo offense was finally able to get its running game going. The Ordinary Guys OT Charlie and OG Ray had their way with the Chap defensive line, while MLB Fluffy Puff Marshmallow was introduced to the powerful blocking of FB Ty Wick…often from the ground looking up. RB Glutton for Punishment had a sensational day with 178 yards and 3 TDs against the overmatched Chat defense. Up until the fourth quarter, the Cincinnati running game and Fargo passing game were tough as well. DT The Defense was solid for Fargo (7 tackles), but he couldn’t make up for the shortcomings of his teammates, as RB Bubs and FB Pom Pom enjoyed a rare day of effectiveness, getting 90 yards and a TD and 65 yards and 1 TD respectively. QB El Poopiehead had a much easier game than usual, as WRs Kaptain Insano and Lobsterboy were too much for the Chap secondary, so much so that Poopiehead didn’t have to be that accurate to complete his passes to them (and he wasn’t). Through three, Insano had 90 yards and a TD, while Lobsterboy had 96 yards and a TD.

In the 4th, Fargo was driving on Cincinnati, but the Chap defense was able to force a 4th and goal from the 9. As El Poopiehead dropped back, Lobsterboy broke free from safety It’s Dot Com!’s coverage. El Poopiehead started to pull his arm back, but was brought down by defensive end’s Strong Mad’s furious rush around OT Stud. Now it was Cincinnati’s offense’s turn to try and come up with the big play with 5 minutes to go. Mr Shmallow calmed directed his team down the field, hit WR Senor Cardgage for short gains and handing off to RB Bubs who had some good pickups on the drive. Fargo valiantly tried to stem the tide on defense, but the Chaps kept marching closer and closer. On the Crawfish 24, the Chaps lined up in an I-formation. Mr Shmallow took the snap and gave a quick handoff to FB Pom Pom. OG So and So stepped forward and sealed off MLB Santa on the left. Pom Pom ran up and just bulldozed the heck out of 34-year old OLB Chris, giving himself a lot of open space. CB F. Swaggs was the last to have a chance at Pom Pom, but whiffed on the tackle as Pom Pom strutted into the end zone to give Cincinnati a 42-35 lead. Fargo tried a desperation heave to even the score, but El Poopiehead's throw was just too far off course for a diving Lobsterboy, giving the Chaps their first win on the season and sending Fargo to an 0-4 mark.

*****

Two team that had overtime games last week hooked up in the Albuquerque-Chicago match. It was a battle between one team tied for the second best offense in the league versus one tied for the fourth-worst, ahead of only such offensive luminaries as Fargo, Cincinnati, and Milwaukee. But, did you know the team with the second-best offense was Chicago? Yes, despite their passing game woes, the Eagles managed to rack up an impressive 84 points in 3 games to 59 by the Isotopes.

True to form, Chicago’s smashmouth attack was too much for the Isotopes. Nelson “The Hammer” Muntz put up a good fight, but OG Tom Sanders rolled over him. Without his presence, the Isotope line couldn’t manage to contain FB Josh Hackenstein or RB Randy Steele, as the pair combined for 155 yards and 3 TDs on the day. But in a recurring story (I’m really not just copying / pasting this from game to game), the Eagle passing attack was grounded. Rookie CB James L. Brooks used his athleticism to lock onto aging WR Chad Spears while S Troy McClure mixed in bump-and-run coverage with soft coverage, confusing rookie WR O. DeJuan Gavly. QB Mike “Air” Marino once again had nowhere to go with the ball with his primary targets locked up.

As far as the Isotope offense, it might be a good reminder that although their overall offensive ranking was low heading into this week, they faced three of the toughest defenses in the ZFL in San Antonio, Birmingham, and Milwaukee. Chicago’s defense will not be confused with any of them. The Isotopes finally exploded on offense today. Chicago’s run defense had been their weak spot this season and today was no exception. RB Guy Incognito got help from OT Ralph Wiggum on a couple of his TD runs while FB Drederick Tatum provided assistance on the third. It would be left to Chicago’s talented secondary to contain QB Moe Sizzlack’s targets WR The Cheat and Quagmire. However, for the second game in a row, Chicago could not muster much in the way of a pass rush…and you know what happens if Sizzlack has time to throw. Chicago’s coverage was good, but Kid Gruesome was on fire and untouched much of the day (238 yards and 3 TDs), even those few occasions where MLB El Capone was able to bring some pressure on him. Chicago’s rushing attack rolls on, but Albuquerque unleashes the offense en route to a 42-21 victory and brings their record to 3-1 on the season.

*****

A key battle in the race for the revrew trophy took place today as the Knoxville Rednecks and LA Stars faced off with both teams knotted at 2-1. Considering the torrid pace being set by Portland and San Antonio, the loser today would probably have to concede their title hopes.

The game would end up being a high scoring one. Knoxville’s run defense could in no way stand up to LA’s offensive line and RB Rodney Dangerfield. The Stars had a little more success running off-tackle than inside, but Knoxville’s LBs Homsar and Opie Jackson had dreadful performances today allowing Dangerfield to run wild for 163 yards and 3 TDs. The passing attack wasn’t as successful, as CB Deion Jackson did a commendable job slowing down WR Ashton Kucher (72 yards, 1 TD) while S Pass it Somewhere Else Jackson forced QB Bernie Mac to do just that with his coverage on WR Joe Pesci (2 catches for 16 yards).

Knoxville’s WR Jackson Jackson scoffed openly when he saw LA would try to cover him with a girl. CB Mira Sorvino had to put up with ‘Who’s your daddy’ comments all game long and for good reason: JJ ended the day with 203 yards and 3 TDs. Even though DE Toby McGwire had no problem beating OT Lucius Jackson a number of times and MLB Brad Pitt made an effort to get pressure on the QB, Thumbless’ quick release and the speedy separation JJ was getting prevented the pressure from being a factor. Pitt was a factor in limiting the damage from Knoxville’s running attack though, going sideline to sideline to bring down RB Leon Jackson, and holding him to 67 yards and 1 TD.

The two teams were knotted at 28 going into the fourth. Early in the period, Knoxville had the ball on the Stars’ 29 when they ran a running play up the gut. OG Lee Davis Jackson turned aside rookie DT Donovan Lork (he of preseason chicken fame) and FB Jarret Jackson had the tough call of a lead block on Brad Pitt. He gave a strong effort, but was knocked back by Pitt, who took aim at Leon Jackson…when he was knocked off his feet by a timely block from OG Fort Sumter Jackson. Leon zipped through the hole that appeared, juked OLB The Real Gus out of his shoes, and took off for a 29 yard TD that gave Knoxville a 35-28 lead. The Stars battled back with some strong running from Dangerfield, but on a play-action pass, Deion Jackson didn’t bite and picked off Bernie Mac’s pass to end LA’s last chance at tying the game. Knoxville moves to 3-1 while LA tumbles to 2-2.

*****

A battle of two top defensive squads today as the defending champion San Antonio Margaritas took on the Milwaukee Muscle Men. San Antonio had just been hitting its stride as of late, knocking of Knoxville 35-14 while the Muscle Men were coming off a throttling of Fargo 28-0.

The game quickly settled down into a series of 4 and outs by both sides. Milwaukee, which has struggled on offense this season against teams not named Fargo, had big problems in the center of their defense, where DTs Aragorn and Sack U had no problems handling the less-than-stellar play of the Milwaukee interior line, while DE All Pro had no problem beating OT No Sacks Allowed off the corner. No Sacks Allowed has really struggled this year since coming off his injury this past offseason. On the rare plays when FB Bulldozer or RB Ricky Williams had any room to run, they were quickly brought down by MLB Ray Lewis. Through three quarters, Milwaukee’s score was the same as it was at the beginning of the game.

But San Antonio uncharacteristically struggled today on offense as well. Through three games, they had had the highest scoring offense in the ZFL averaging over 30 points a game. Milwaukee brought them back to earth. At first, San Antonio figured on running the ball at the Muscle Men behind OG Lone Star, but MLB Zach Thomas made a good number of open-field tackles on RB Mutt, and DT No Name Necessary won enough of his share of battles with Lone Star that running up the middle didn’t hurt the Muscle Men. Then San Antonio went to string plays out to the sides, but OLB Superman made plays all over the field, consistently dropping Mutt in the backfield and preventing the Margaritas from doing much at all. Failing in the running game, the Margaritas took to the air. But Milwaukee, getting confidence from its handling of the running game, kept sending OLB Superman on blitzes and disrupted the timing of the Margarita passing game. QB Ryan Leaf must’ve felt like he was still on El Paso with the number of times he got hit and / or sacked by Superman. Through three quarters, San Antonio racked up 0 points as well.

The Margaritas started to gain some momentum in the fourth as they held Milwaukee to only 4 and outs for the period. Milwaukee’s defense looked like it was tiring some as it gave ground against the pounding from San Antonio’s offensive line. Milwaukee’s offense did a nice job playing cheerleader on the sidelines, urging the defense on while hoping the clock would run a little faster…and bring the game to overtime with K Bruce Handily. With about 20 seconds to go, San Antonio had brought themselves to 3rd and 10 from the Milwaukee 15. Leaf dropped back and watched as WR Cool Finlandia ran a slant away from CB Patrick Surtain and got a little room. Leaf’s pass would have to be right on the money though. He pulled his arm back…

And was blasted from behind by a charging Superman. The ball squirted loose and a big pileup ensued. In the end, the Margaritas recovered the ball (nice job by FB Mutt), but there was no time to run another play. Through 60 minutes, neither team could score even a point. So…bring on the kickers!

Steve McLaughlin of the Margaritas looked understandably nervous going against the king of kickers, Bruce “I’ll kick your butt!” Handily, who had lost only once before in his career…which incidentally was the last game in which he appeared. Fans seemed a bit confused when two classic Addams’ Family pinball machines were brought onto the field. What challenge was there in aa game of pinball? The answer was revealed when two other factors were introduced. The first was a set of headphones for each kicker, both blaring Pinball Wizard on recurring loop at 130 decibels. The second was a treadmill set up in front of each machine at the highest speed. So the two kickers would somehow have to keep their balance (and sanity) while getting the highest score on the pinball machine.

At once, it seemed as though Handily was more comfortable with the distractions, taking long strides on the treadmill and focusing closely on his pinball play. Despite that, apparently pinball wasn’t one of Handily’s best skills as he could only manage 520,000 on his first ball.

McLaughlin looked a lot more bothered by the external factors. He kept looking down to concentrate on the treadmill and winced at the melodic strains of The Who played at jet airliner volume. He had an inauspicious first ball as well and ended with 350,000.

Handily had a better second ball, getting Thing to take over his upper flipper, and managing to up his score to 2,394,000.

McLaughlin, however, had an amazing run with his second ball. He went on for about 5 minutes, getting a multiball and just about every Addams’ Family sound bite to play. After his last ball finally went straight down the center, he had taken the lead with 3,855,000. Would Handily go down to defeat again?

Not without a fight. Handily bore down for his final ball, hitting his flippers with lightning reflexes and looking far more comfortable than he did on the first ball. Despite it all, he was only able to overtake McLaughlin by a reasonable amount to 5,700,000. If McLaughlin had as good a run as he did on ball 2, he would be the victor.

The early part of McLaughlin’s final ball was action down towards the bottom of the machine, as he almost lost the ball down the side out, only to be saved by a lucky bounce. Slowly he closed in on Handily’s score. 4,500,000…4,900,000…5,200,000…

Well, he’s a pinball wizard, but there has to be a twist. The twist was, as he was concentrating on getting a perfect shot with the left flipper, he momentarily forgot about the treadmill…and flew off the back of it! The pinball bounced off his flipper harmlessly and ended his game. His final score read 5,450,000 which was not enough to overtake Handily.

Are you kidding me? In one of the ZFL’s biggest upsets in years, the 1-2 Milwaukee Muscle Men evened their record to 2-2 by beating preseason favorite San Antonio 3-0 and ended the champ’s unbeaten run at 15 games dating back to the final week of the 2006 season.



(and no JeeberD, I didn’t screw this one up. ).



Standings after Week 4:

PT 4-0 (28) (accidentally had this at 7 last week, should’ve been 14)
SA 3-1 (45)
AQ 3-1 (70)
KX 3-1 (112)
MW 2-2 (35)
BH 2-2 (52)
LA 2-2 (84)
CH 2-2 (94)
EP 1-3 (105)
LR 1-3 (108)
CN 1-3 (133)
FG 0-4 (140)

[Coffee Warlord]

Whooooo!

[digamma]

Alright!