YAHD---Everyone panic! The Crawfish have lasers!!!

[The Afoci]

In an attempt to strike fear in the oppisition, the Fighting Crawfish mascot, "BoB", will be renamed "Super Laser Blaster Crawfish Guy" and will be armed with lasers to blast opposing players....

In other news, the Fighting Crawfish are in debt. Not to bad yet ($200,000), but with only a 7000 seat arena and really only a couple players that will draw any money, things are bleak. I have a few passable playmakers that need to bump soon and I need a youth squad pull the likes of Freddy Abu...only better.

A History of The Fighting Crawfish

It all started with a kid and a dream, a dream of Crawfish with laser blasters instead of claws. This kids name was The Afoci and he was often teased as being the kid whose name slightly resembling something Italian but he is Norwegian. A horrible curse.

His mother was a Lefse maker. Short, but hardworking. His father was a mad scientist that never made it in the big time. His goal was to form an army of earth worms that would rule the world. He came up short after being defeated by an army of black birds in an epic battle just east of Fargo North Dakota. His father defeated, retreated to a hide out in Canada never to be seen again.

Meanwhile The Afoci grew up knowing nothing at all about soccer. His mother won a small lottery and purchased him a soccer team at the tender age of 15. It was to be run by a group of French Mercanaries until he was 22. Obviously that didn't work because after fireworks were shot off on the open day of the season, the French Mercanaries surrendered and were never seen again.

Seven years later, after many failed attemps to create Crawfish with laser blasters instead of Claws, The Afoci was reminded he owned a soccer team. Needless to say they sucked as no one did anything with them. Their leading scorer was an overweight smoker who collapsed in front of the goal and an opposing player accidently kicked the ball off his head for a goal. With his first goal, he took the teams All Time Scoring record.

When The Afoci took the team over, he had everyone dipped in a vat of angry, and I mean angry Crawfish. None survived.

Armed with $300,000 and no knowledge of soccer he set out to rule the world....

[The Afoci]

The Fighting Crawfish Players
The Back Lines

#1---Manuel "The" Bossio

Manuel developed the nickname "the" because he stutters. He also doesn't speak English very well, so pretty much he only says "The". Manuel was the First Goalie purchased by
The Afoci and he is the starter. He also is only 18.

#2---Mikey Denney

Mikey is the back-up goalie. Mikey is a 27 year old who is rumored to be "Number Two" to The Afoci and many people call him Mikey "Crawfish". Many suspect that he was the head scientist on the The Crawfish with Laser Blasters project.

#3--- Jose Javier Gorostarzu

Jose is severely deformed. He was believed dead after the great Crawfish purge of a few weeks ago. The 22 year old is the starting wing back and is now believed to be highly loyal to the Crawfish. Some beleive that a Crawfish crawled in his ear and replaced his brain as he only speaks in weird Crawfish like chants.

#4---Károly Gyimesi

Károly is a 20 year old central defender. He was once rumored to be the starter, but he got into an argument with The Afoci over whether The Crawfish with Laser Blasters was really required. The Afoci was going to kill him, but funding for the project is low, so he was placed on the transfer list at 90k. Not bad for a SOLID defender.

#5---"I am a big scary, fire breathing" Dragan Simic

An 18 year old starting Wing Back, Dragan is a threat on offense and defense. He is a very well rounded player completely dedicated to the domination of the world by Crawfish.

#6---Rafael Maria Meldi

A 29 year old reserve wing back. Nothing really interesting with him. Just a guy who is filling a hole on the b-squad.

#7---"You better guard your daughters or they will be" Les "their" Cherry "s"

A 17 year old womanizer. He was plays wingback and likes to do the beast with two backs. He reportedly is The Afoci secret weapon of Mass Destruction because when he pees, he screams in agony. He is usually sent in a week early on away games to greet the opposing teams wives.

#8---Ellis Malcolm "in the middle"

Another 17 year old wing back. He is a middle child and talks to himself claiming no one will speak to him. He is reportedly was scheduled for transfer until he was able to prove his lineage to the great Crawfish rulers of the past. The Afoci is looking into it.

[The Afoci]

The Midfielders

#10---Jonas Westerhall

An 18 year old starting winger. He is considered by The Afoci to be an offensive winger and general decent guy.

#11---Mikey Kline

A 21 year old starting Middie that should pop soon and be transfer listed to help fund Project: Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws.

#12---Gustav Danielsson

A 20 year old starting Middie that is rumored to have links to the Russian mafia. Being consider the best of the Middies, he has The Afoci's ear and rumors are that the Crawfish maybe in trying to purchase russian arms....maybe even top secret Lasers!

#13---Dan Woodson

A 17 year old Middie who actually may play some central defense after the sale of the current Central Defender. Currently he plays defensive mid field and enjoys long walks on the beach...he tells The Afoci it is because he is looking for more Crawfish.

#14---Christian Rossi

A 24 year old starting winger. He is the utility man. He can play virtually anywhere. If the Crawfish wish to improve, he will have be a B-teamer that fills in.

#15---Lars-Olof Uddstad

A 18 year old reserve winger. The Afoci purchased him believing he was the drummer for Metallica. Lars doesn't like Metallica though, he has a Tattoo across his back say Garth. He is a huge Garth Brooks fan and sometimes plays his games dressed as Chris Gaines.

#16---Roy Parsons

A 26 year old reserve middie. Roy enjoys being essentially useless to his team and shows no signs of getting better. Will probably be used in the testing of project Crawfish with Lasers Blasters instead of Claws.

#17---Enrico Jimeno

A 20 year old reserve middie. Enrico was the start until last week. It is largely believe that his role in developing Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws hurt his form.

#18---Alastair MacFeat

A 18 year old reserve middie. Alastair was actually born with 2 left feet. He will be sold as soon as he becomes pass/pass because of his cronic athletes foot.

#19---Abel Barreto

A 17 year old reserve winger. Abel will probably replace Christian Rossi eventually. As of now he, is rumored to be searching for large quanties of duct tape to attach the lasers to the Crawfish.

[The Afoci]

The Forwards and Coach

#21---Juan Luis Alonso

A 24 year old reserve forward. Juan is the team water boy. He will be the second one shot once we have Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws

#22---Matt Scroggins

A 19 year old reserve forward who The Afoci severely over paid for in his early days. He was once the starter, not for talent reasons, but because he would run around screaming CRAWFISH RULE during games.

#23---Norbert Darden

A 24 year old starting forward. He is barely servicable as a starter, but is required for his expert knowledge on the underbelly of V77 soccer.

#24---Ivar "why couldn't my name be Ivan" Rannem

The team captain and 18 year old starting forward. He will lead the team in scoring this season hopefully and hopefully the league. Ivar is believed to be upset at Mikey Denney for his closeness to The Afoci. When Ivar came to the team, he placed 2 Crawfish in Denney jock in hopes of killing him. Many believe that The Afoci will have Ivar lead his conquest of the world once Project Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws is complete

#25---Felix "Coach" Gruber

31 years, wretched form, healthy
A passable coach who goes all out
A sympathetic guy who is calm and honest.
Has excellent experience and solid leadership abilities.

[The Afoci]

Next up for the Fighting Crawfish are the Maniacal Misfitz @ Maniacal Misfitz Arena. You better guard your daughters or they will be" Les "their" Cherry "s" has been sent out and is currently visiting Kahudi Widodo Simon wife. May the middie enjoy his next trip to the pisser. The Afoci was recently heard threatening the horrible Crawfish hanging from your sack torture on his player if he feels they are responsible for a loss. Needless to say, the squad is ready.

Meanwhile in The Afoci's Secret Hideout somewhere in Fargo, North Dakota

"Damn it Mikey", screams The Afoci, "My father tried to take the world over with earth worms. It was great plan, but the damned black birds foiled it. If only I could get my revenge... but how".

"I got it, sir!" screamed Mikey Denney(reserve goalie and "Number Two"). "We could spray paint the black birds white, then they would be white birds, not black".

"Not a bad idea Mikey, not bad at all" laughs The Afoci "Now purchased all the white spray paint you can and get to work. MMMUUUUHHHHAAAAHHHAAA MMMUUUHHHHAAA"

[Everything fades to black]

"Damn it Mikey" Screams The Afoci "The black birds must have blocked out the sun!".

"Umm....Actually sir" says Mikey Denney "Um...Ah....I think the power was shut off."

"What" screams The Afoci "It is a fricken secret hide out, and the head quarters for Project Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws. Who could have cut the power?"

As The Afoci sits pondering this Mikey slides the electricity bill into his pocket and leaves.

"Damn" says Mikey Denney to himself. "The Afoci spent all the money we have on Project Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws and we can barely cover the salaries of the players, let alone the electricity. How can I pay this bill, it is almost 60 bucks."

Narrator:

As you can guess, the Crawfish are in a tough spot. There finances by the end of the week without some player transfers will be over 200k in debt. With the stadium needing upgrading and a need for more talent to move up in divisions, the Crawfish appear screwed. What will happen to Project Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws?

[Coffee Warlord]

I'm not easily disturbed.

You disturb me.

[Marmel]

You hattrickers are a strange bunch.

[The Afoci]

What are the Crawfish Training you may ask?

Now is perhaps the most interesting time at The Fighting Crawfish Arean as the squad is being trained at 100 percent intensity in the art of stamina. The Afoci was originally upset at Felix "Coach" Gruber's first attempts at training and took the helm himself....

"Now it has come to my attention" said The Afoci, "That many of you wusses aren't giving it your all. I am paying good money to you and this is what your giving me..."

"Ummm..." interupts Mikey "Number Two" Denney, "Uh...we didn't quite pay them good money, remember the conterfeiting scheme we used...um yeah, "You better guard your daughters or they will be" Les "their" Cherry "s" wasn't able to purchase condoms and now is in extreme agony when he pees."

"Damn" says The Afoci """You better guard your daughters or they will be" Les "their" Cherry "s" Is that true?"

"Umm...sir..." squeaks "You better guard your daughters or they will be" Les "their" Cherry "s", "It appears to be blocked and burns severely... that damn Kahudi Widodo Simon wife burned me, burned me bad."

"Number Two" The Afoci says as he signals Mikey "Number Two" Denney closer to him, "Remind me to stay away from that woman. And get a doctor to help him out" Now screaming he says "Bring in the guards".

At that moment 10 guards show up in toxic waste suits and cages. "What is about to happen" The Afoci says pacing in front of his now obviously scared team "is a little bit of training, The Afoci-style. UNLEASH THE CRAWFISH WITH LASER BLASTERS INSTEAD OF CLAWS!!!!

The men resume their wind sprints to the sounds of explosions as the men in toxic waste suits open their cages and Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws come crawling out. The men run faster then ever and Felix "Coach" Gruber smiles, but only for a minute as the blasting turns to explosions as the lasers are overheating and the Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws explode covering most of the player, Felix "Coach" Gruber, and The Afoci in Crawfish remains.

"Sir" says Mikey "Number Two" Denney, "I warned you, it was too early, it needed to be tested...NOOO!!!!"

"Damn it Number Two" Screamed The Afoci, "My beautiful Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws are dead. Why GOD!!!!! It is always the good Crawfish that die. They will be remembered as heroes for being pioneers in Project Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws."

He falls to his knees and raises his hands in the air, completely covered in crawfish goo, crying.

Ivar "why couldn't my name be Ivan" Rannem walks to The Afoci "Sir, I will crush the Maniacal Misfitz for you....FOR THE CRAWFISH WITH LASER BLASTERS INSTEAD OF CLAWS"

Mikey "Number Two" Denney glares over to Ivar "why couldn't my name be Ivan" Rannem thinking of a way to eliminate the threat to his position.

At that moment the lights in the stadium go black.

"Run" Screams The Afoci "Its the Black Birds, they have come to finish off the family!!!" He then runs screaming out of the stadium, occasionally slipping to the ground on crawfish goo.

Everyone confused, looks to Felix "Coach" Gruber. He says "Um... get the candles!" The Fighting Crawfish then finish their windsprints in candle light... But they could hear the cries from a secret hide out not far from the stadium of a man, a man with a dream that he will one day take over the world with Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws!

[Qwikshot]

I am disturbed as well...am I reading an acid trip committed to paper?!?

[Coffee Warlord]

Yep.

Although I admit. I laughed my ass off when I first read through this.

[The Afoci]

The Club---A in-depth look at the men who run The Fighting Crawfish

Felix "Coach" Gruber has been allowed since the start to handle all the hiring of assistants as he sees fit...as long as they support the mission of creating Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws. His first hiring was of 2 goal keeping coaches. Many believe that The Afoci has one of them is constantly walking the secret hide out, believing that his skill in goal keeping will keep the men working Project Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws on goal.

He also has a total of 8 assistant coaches. Each of them reports to him on a daily basis and then he is to report to The Afoci shortly after 6:30 p.m. Mainly because he likes to watch all the news and then listen to one, and only one song from Supertramp prior to being bored with updates from his squad.

He also has 2 sports psychologists, all though it is obvious more are needed with the happenings around here. He also has 2 spokesman who say nothing about soccer, but mainly threaten the sponsors with "certain death by Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws" So far it seems to be drawing good money to the squad.

He hired one economist, but his lack in mathematical skills has really hindered the club here. Mikey "Number Two" Denney was seen earlier teaching him the multiplication tables with flash cards. He seems to be coming around and should be helpful within a year.

He hired 8 physiotherapists at the request of The Afoci because thought they were pyschos and would scare opposing players.

Two doctors were hired, one is the personal doctor to "You better guard your daughters or they will be" Les "their" Cherry "s" for obvious reasons and the other is generally treating cuts from rabid attack Crawfish released on the men during practices.

The Afoci pumps $20,000 per week into the youth squad for the sole purpose getting people he can test Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws on. The squad is now inadequate.

[The Afoci]

Another one bites the dust!!!! Dut Dut Dut UH Anther one bites the dust...

"Man I love the song" says a dancing The Afoci in front of his men in what has become a weekly occurance. The Fighting Crawfish Stadium is completely lit in candles and Queens Another One Bites the Dust is blaring out of a boom box held by Lars-Olof "Chris Gaines" Uddstad who is in full Chris Gaines clothing, Garth tattoo across his back visible on every spin move.

Felix "Coach" Gruber walks towards The Afoci and consults him for a minute as he still dances. Suddenly The Afoci stops dancing and wispers something in his ear. He turns smiling to the team. "It is with a sad heart that I say this" he says still smiling, "but it must be done."

The team is shaking in fear and Roy Parsons even wets himself. "Bring out Erich Davis!!!" screams Felix "Coach" Gruber. A kicking and screaming Erich Davis is drug out by Mikey "Number Two" Denney and Ivar "why couldn't my name be Ivan" Rannem. He is thrown to the ground in front of The Afoci.

"What we got here" says The Afoci, "is a failure to communicate...I mean what we got here is a failure of you being able to play. Now, since you just came from the Youth Squad, you may not know the requirements of being a member of the Fighting Crawfish, but you will soon...Oh yes, you will soon."

Jose Javier Gorostarzu(The only surviver of the Great Crawfish Purge of a few weeks ago) comes out speaking in only Crawfish chants carrying two cages. Erich Davis is shaking and crying with fear. The cages are opened and out crawls the 100s of angry crawfish and they sworm Erich Davis and the team squirms as the hear his cries of agony. Withing minutes there is nothing left and Jose Javier Gorostarzu makes a few chants and all the Crawfish return to their cages.

"Perhaps now" says The Afoci as he paces in front of the squad, "you will have what it takes to eliminate the Manical Misfitz tonight. Now get back to work." With that they all take of running except Mikey "Number Two" Denney. "How is Project Paint the Black Birds White coming along?"

Mikey "Number Two" Denney quivers slightly before responding, "Well sir, um... we lost 6 guys who got high from the spray paint and then blew themselves up when the punchured the cans with a screw driver."

"Damn it" screamed The Afoci, "We knew the risks going in, those black birds are smart fellows. We must stay strong though, for they must be eliminated before we can unleash the Army of Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws on the public."

And with that they walk away and board the jet that will take them to Manical Misfitz arena. Many men may die on the quest to build Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws but The Afoci is determined to take what his father fell just short of by 99% of the world, the whole world. And with that, the quest will continue tomorrow with a report on the squads showing in the friendly and more insight into the sick world of The Fighting Crawfish!

[Mountain]

This dynasty is completely whacked

[The Afoci]

Coffee Warlord, Qwikshot, Marmel, and Mountain:

I am sorry that you have to hear about the underbelly of The Fighting Crawfish. Oh yeah, and thanks for reading.

[Marmel]

Originally posted by The Afoci
Coffee Warlord, Qwikshot, Marmel, and Mountain:

I am sorry that you have to hear about the underbelly of The Fighting Crawfish. Oh yeah, and thanks for reading.

I am not sure I want you talking to me.

Are you on some kind of medication, The Afoci?

[The Afoci]

Originally posted by Marmel
I am not sure I want you talking to me.

Are you on some kind of medication, The Afoci?

No medication, just high on life...and these green leaves that i have in my pipe

[Marmel]

That explains it all. Carry on good fellow!

[Qwikshot]

I'd like to thank all of those who are reading this, all four of you...

Actually, this is the best dynasty I've read in a while, it has me at chortle, I have to suppress laughter when at work...

Keep up the good work, this shit is whack.

[Mountain]

OHHHH THE HORROR!!!!! THE HORROR!!! Here come the crawfish. NO!!!! not th

[strange ominous silence]

[The Afoci]

Originally posted by Mountain
OHHHH THE HORROR!!!!! THE HORROR!!! Here come the crawfish. NO!!!! not th

[strange ominous silence]

That sucks, now I am down to 3 readers. Jose Javier Gorostarzu will be punished for not letting me see the destruction and letting the Crawfish out. Mountain, consider yourself lucky the Crawfish got to you before we had the lasers installed.

[Coffee Warlord]

The Galesburg Avengers will come to Avenge you, Mountain!

Vennnnnnnnnnngeeeaaaannnnce!

[The Afoci]

Originally posted by Coffee Warlord
The Galesburg Avengers will come to Avenge you, Mountain!

Vennnnnnnnnnngeeeaaaannnnce!

You dare challenge the Crawfish. "You better guard your daughters or they will be" Les "their" Cherry "s" will be on his way to Galesburg right after the match. Happy peeing too you!

[Coffee Warlord]

We fear no Crawfish. Even those with lasers.

Why? We have our mighty promotional items.

First generation supporters wield the deadly Board With A Nail Through It.

Second generation? Board With a Rusty Nail Through It.

Third? Large Rocks.

Now that money is flowing, and in honor of the new season, we will soon be upgrading our promotional items to Socks Filled With Quarters.

Fear us.

[moriarty]

Oh dear lord, it's spreading ...

[Mountain]

Don't worry. Mountain's vengeful spirit has been communing with some of the best chefs in New Orleans on crawfish recipes. I hear they're delicious with a nice remoulade sauce on the side.

[Marmel]

Mmm........Crawfish with remoulade sauce.

[The Afoci]

Maniacal Mishaps...

510 spectators had come to Maniacal Misfitz Arena this cloudy day. Maniacal started off with a 4-5-1 lineup. The following players had been chosen: Valdés - Ceballos, Ferreira da Silv, Dent, Fontaine - Eddy, Simon, Magennis, Blanco, Troutt - Ortega.

Fighting tactics involved an interesting 3-5-2 combination. The following players had been chosen: Bossio - Gorostarzu, Gyimesi, Simic - Westerhall, Danielsson, Kline, Woodson, Rossi - Rannem , Darden.

6 minutes into the game José Javier Gorostarzu was a hair´s breadth away from giving Fighting the lead. A prompt block by Jorge Valdés saved the home team that time.José Javier Gorostarzu was then forced to play the rest of the game with a Crawfish attached to his sack. It limited his effectiveness. Maniacal seemed to suffer a certain amount of confusion after seeing that carnage. Stuart Troutt was dominating his wing and kept sending fine balls into the enemy box - Charles Eddy managed to kick one of them into 1 - 0 in the 34:th minute. Fighting could level the score in the 36:th minute at 1 - 1, as Dan Woodson struck home after a fine midfield combination, leaving him completely unmarked. Maniacal appeared unsure on how to play as many were mysteriously suffering from STD's. Fighting took the lead in the games 42nd minute with 1 - 2 after some elegant plays down the middle. Ivar "why couldn't my name be Ivan" Rannem was the scorer. The teams went for a half-time break at 1 - 2. Maniacal, bringing the final ball possession rate to 53 percent, dominated the battle.

During the break Maniacal´s coach went through the teams new tactics yet again. Seth Ortega pulled a real crowd pleaser as he, in the 51st minute, wove through the guests whole central defense line and put the 2 - 2 equaliser away. 60 minutes into the game Christian Rossi had to leave the pitch due to a knee injury. In came Abel Barreto. Stuart Troutt of Maniacal received a yellow card in the 63rd minute for unsportsmanlike behaviour. Maniacal held the ball, with a clear 76 percent possession rate.

The most dominating Maniacal player was without a doubt Seth Ortega. Alan Magennis was a disappointment, however. The most dominating Fighting player was without a doubt Manuel "the" Bossio. Abel Barreto on the other hand, had a terrible day and was forced to wear shoes made for his right foot on his left and ones for his left on his right during windsprints the next day. He now has many blisters. The match ends 2 - 2.

Midfield: wretched
Right Side Defence: passable
Central Defence: passable
Left Side Defence: inadequate
Right Side Attack: inadequate
Central Attack: passable
Left Side Attack: inadequate


After last weeks 5-1 victory over this squad, this was a very disappointing tie. The Fighting Crawfish are only hours away from major announcements. The jet ride home was full rumors as The Afoci was heard screaming at Felix "Coach" Gruber. Mikey "Number Two" Denney didn't make the trip to Maniacal Misfitz Arena and many think he was left behind to work on Project Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws. What awaits our heroes when the land back in Fargo, North Dakota???

[sterlingice]

"You better guard your daughters or they will be" Les "their" Cherry "s"

Have you considered that his nickname just might be a smidge too long. I just keep hearing this Chris Berman voice in my head and it just doesn't work: he's out of breath, coughing and wheezing, by the end

SI

[The Afoci]

The Plane Returns....

Tensions were high on the plane, and things were about to get worse. Upon landing, The Afoci was rushed off by his personally security and everyone was told to stay on the plane. They could see him speaking with Mikey "Number Two" Denney and next to him were two mysterious figures. In the distance many trucks, big trucks were pulling up to the stadium. Could this be the unveiling of Project Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws????

As the men starting shuffling off the plane, still in their uniforms, Károly Gyimesi was grabbed by the guards and stripped. So was Abel Barreto. The Afoci approached the two. His guards handed him the uniforms.

"Károly Gyimesi" said The Afoci in a stern voice, "you are a very lucky man. I wanted to use you as testing on Project Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws, but we put you on the transfer wire. Some sorry fool payed $141,000 for you. Leave immedately. If you say anything of the secrets you, I will kill you myself, I will kill your family, I will kill your dog..."

"The Afoci" pipes up Mikey "Number Two" Denney.

"What?" blurts back The Afoci "I am trying to teach him a lesson he will never forget..."

"Um..." said Mikey "Number Two" Denney "Uh...He can't speak English"

"Aaladfwer weruioasdg weuiopr" says Károly Gyimesi shaking his head as he walks away naked.

Abel Barreto was then told he had three days to find a team that is willing to pay at least $1000 for him or he would be turned in Crawfish Food.

"Now let me introduce you guys to a couple of players who know how to win" says The Afoci, "A spaniard, João Fernando de Oliveira has no room for a nick name because I can't pronounce the one he has got. He will wear number 4" turn towards João Fernando de Oliveira The Afoci says, "Sorry, Ocho, in your language, and be your Central Defender. Also, Daniel Mughal will now be a starting winger. He is Canadian, so try not to tease him to much. Dismissed!"

Everyone scatters.

"Number Two, come here" says The Afoci "In an attempt to help finance Project Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws, I have hired a group to increase the size of our Secret Hide Out/Stadium by 9000 seats up to 16000 total. Now we will be over $350,000 in debt. Begin Operation Panhandling Players because we have no money!

"Understood" said Mikey "Number Two" Denney "should we get all dirt and beg for food too?"

"Hmmm..." said The Afoci "Not a bad idea. And send someone to dispose of that Ben McMahon(winger for the Screaming Seamen), he was trying to convince the players to join the Church of Ben. I want his head by night fall....never mind send "You better guard your daughters or they will be" Les "their" Cherry "s" to visit his wife. Yes.... My plan is coming together...Soon we will rule the world!!!!.....Umm could you look at this...." he says pointing to his crotch, "I got this rash and it burns when I pee..."

[Mountain]

Damned clap infested Crawfish groupies.

[DataKing]

This has to be one of the funniest starts to a dynasty report ever.

I usually skim over the match reports from other dynasties, but for some reason I felt the need to read this one in detail. Now I'm not so glad that I did...

Originally posted by The Afoci
6 minutes into the game José Javier Gorostarzu was a hair´s breadth away from giving Fighting the lead. A prompt block by Jorge Valdés saved the home team that time. José Javier Gorostarzu was then forced to play the rest of the game with a Crawfish attached to his sack.

Great stuff The Afoci. Keep it up (and remind me never to play against the crawfish).

[illinifan999]

I'm scared. But I'm reading.

[The Afoci]

Run, The Afoci, Run

"Tell me" The Afoci says quitely while reclining in his chair deep in his secret hide out, "How did the men take to my training methods?"

"Sir" says Felix "Coach" Gruber "the men are now stronger and faster. I think we should go at least one more week though, as some men didn't take as much as we would like."

"Stragglers" says The Afoci, "We will make sure that take to it soon." He then stands up and is wearing a diaper and no pants. He pick up a small stick like object and slides it inside his diaper and begins scratching "Ahhhh, that feels good, anyway, I have a plan for the next practice that will make the men run harder."

Feeling ill, Felix "Coach" Gruber struggles to say "Umm...yeah that um....are you okay, why are you wearing a diaper?"

"Well" says The Afoci "it appears my weiner is now covered in a horrible rash and it leaks sometimes. The diaper helps...it is actually kinda refreshing, you know I am taking a crap right now and i don't have to worry about wiping...the smell sticks with me for a while, but I get use to it."

"Yeah......" says Felix "Coach" Gruber "Um.... I will get my men ready for practice, bye."

The Afoci watches as he leaves and gets up and stretches, walks to garbage and takes off his diaper. "Damn, thats a good stinky. Hmm.... this rash appears to be spreading." He puts the diaper in the garbage and reaches to the fridge and he opens it and grabs some peanut butter. He then spreads it all over his rash. "This is rather refreshing!"

The men are gathering on the field for practice, many of them now faster and stronger. Rumors are running rampant of what happened to Ben McMahon(winger for the Screaming Seamen). Many are also still dressed as hobos. The "Operation Panhandling Players because we have no money!" was put in to action last night and many of the players were dumping the money collected into a hat held by Mikey "Number Two" Denney.

As Number Two walks towards the secret hide out he hears the noise of the guard dogs barking. He sprints to the door and brust into the room, worried that perhaps something has happened to The Afoci. Number Two darts to him as it appears the dogs are attacking him and The Afoci is making weird moaning noises. After a brief struggle, Number Two rips the dogs off The Afoci.

"Damn" says The Afoci "Those dogs really like their peanut butter. Where are my pants?"

Confused and embarrassed slightly, Number Two says "Umm... Operation Panhandling Players because we have no money! was a success, we got over $25!"

"Great!" says The Afoci "We are out of peanut butter! You should go get some, peanut butter does wonders for a rash. Do you have a smoke, I suddenly feel like smoking?"

"Ummm..." says Number Two "No... We should get to practice. We are in the USA Cup too, get the men excited, it is a good way to get some cash to fund Project Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws!

Number Two leaves to go to the practice field as The Afoci sits around and wonders what he is going to say to his men. All we know is that with each passing second, the Crawfish Crazies, the official supporters of Operation Crawfish with Lasers instead of Claws is growing, and with that The Afoci power grows....

[Marmel]

Just when I thought we had gotten past the really wierd part of this dynasty.................

[illinifan999]

I'm really scared now.

[Qwikshot]

Disturbing...

[The Afoci]

White Black Birds and A Can of White Spray Paint

As The Afoci walks out of the secret hide out, fully clothed and lacking any peanut butter, he admires the blue skies. Walking, looking towards the sky, he slips to the ground and screams at what he sees. A black bird painted white, dead but looking him in the eyes. He sits still for a moment and gets an idea...

His men assemble in front of him, all listening very carefully to what he has to say. He calls out Lars-Olof "Chris Gaines" Uddstad, he carries his boom box with him. The Afoci walks to him and adjusts it. Lars-Olof "Chris Gaines" Uddstad walks to the men and holds the boom box above his head and soon the music starts to blare out of its speakers. The Afoci begins dancing to the odd beat....

"Stop, Calabrate and Listen" Screams The Afoci at the top of his lungs, "Ice is back with a brand new invention..." He continues to the end of the song ending it with a back flip. Sweating he gets up mumbling to himself who his is the greatest white rapper ever to live and how coming from the mean streets of Hawley, Minnesota, a small town 20 miles east of Fargo, gives him the street credit of some of the most hardcore rappers, ie. Vanilla Ice, Hammer, and Kris Kross.

"Alright boys" says The Afoci "we struggled last game and I blame you all for that, but it is in the past. We must move on. The next game is the biggest one we Crawfish have ever had. It is against the Tennessee FC, they are a new club and we should crush them on our quest to win the cup. We will try a 451 as opposed to our usually 352 because it is 99 more, obviously better. But I don't have to tell you that, you guys know soccer. Training last week was alright, but this week will be better. Mikey "Number Two" Denney please bring out the training helpers."

Number Two walks up to him carrying 3 bags. He then hands everyone 2 cans of white spray paint.

"You all may know" says The Afoci "that my father was defeated by a group of evil, vile black bird not far from here. To work on your endurance and agility, you will all be required to turn those black bastards white. Now go!!!!"

Number Two and The Afoci go sit in the stands and watch the men scatter running and pouncing black birds, spray painting them white and jumping up screaming "Got one" as they celebrate looking for the next victim.

"Man down!!!!" screams "I am a big scary, fire breathing" Dragan Simic "The birds are returning fire, we got men down all over the place, retreat!!!!"

"NOOO!!!!" screams The Afoci "We can't lose, get back out there!!!!" He gets up and retreats to the secret hide out. From it, he hears the screams of men having there eyes poked out by birds.

An hour later, everything is quiet and The Afoci emerges from the secret hide out. He looks at the carnage, the men are holding each other up. He looks to the skies, no black birds. The men are starting to cheer. Victory. It is the first victory they have experienced as team. They all form a circle at the center of Fighting Crawfish Arena. A group hug of spray paint, bird poop, sweat, blood and tears. The 23 men have become one team, no longer a group of misfits. They have one goal, that goal is to become the first squad to have Crawfish with Laser Blasters Instead of Claws!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[moriarty]

Mmmm.... peanut butter.

(someone needs to stop watching the war coverage)

[Marmel]

I used to rip the claws off of crawfish when I was a kid.

good times, good times indeed.

[sterlingice]

"Stop, Calabrate and Listen" Screams The Afoci at the top of his lungs, "Ice is back with a brand new invention..." He continues to the end of the song ending it with a back flip. Sweating he gets up mumbling to himself who his is the greatest white rapper ever to live and how coming from the mean streets of Hawley, Minnesota, a small town 20 miles east of Fargo, gives him the street credit of some of the most hardcore rappers, ie. Vanilla Ice, Hammer, and Kris Kross.

This really made me laugh for a couple of minutes. I'm not entirely sure why.

SI

[The Afoci]

7 Virgins and 1 Donkey---The Youth Pull Lottery

An silence covered The New Fighting Crawfish Arena as all the players new what was about to happen. It was youth pull day. A new guy was coming. If he was the stud to be rumored, the team would be out of debt, Project Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws would get much need funding and many of the slack asses would be replaced by people that know how to play. Very exciting indeed...

Number Two announced that the mysterious youth pull would be a keeper. This keeper held the keys to the future. As Number Two escorted him on to the field, they stared in awe. "Is he Jesus?" asked one guy, "Is he a guy?" asked another. Yet another asked "What are those sores on his thighs?" They were a true sign of a Crawfish Player. STD's.

"What is your name?" screamed The Afoci at the young man.

"William Dunning" he said back.

Shrouded in mystery, they began asking him questions to find his age. "Do you like the new or old XTina?" asked The Afoci.

"The new one" said William Dunning.

He had hit puberty, a good sign. "How old are you?" asked The Afoci.

Everyone went quiet. "18" he said.

Not a bad sign, still young. "Get in the goal" said Felix "Coach" Gruber

He stood in the goal and everyone lined up and begin kicking balls at him. He stopped the first few and celebration amongst the coaches began. But then something happened. One got by, then another, then another. He was failing. Suddenly it could be heard in the back ground...growing louder and louder.

Dut Dut Dut UH, Another one bites the dust starts blaring from Lars-Olof "Chris Gaines" Uddstad boom box. The men circle him and The Afoci starts doing his now famous dance. Shades of his break dancing past are shown. He was magical on the field this day. Tears filled the eyes of Number Two as he had seen him praticing this many times before and finally, he was doing it and it was perfect. Only one thing remained. A extremely difficult ending flip into a twist that would end with him spinning like a top. Everything started great but as he started spinning things went out of control and The Afoci hit his head on the bar of the goal.

Laying there, "Knocked the fuck out" as Lars-Olof "Chris Gaines" Uddstad said, the guards released the angry, and I mean angry Crawfish on the new guy.

His obituary read:

William Dunning (10659765)
18 years, passable form, healthy

A controversial person who is fiery and dead.
Has disastrous experience and wretched leadership abilities but who cares because he was killed by angry, and i mean angry Crawfish.

Nationality: USA
Assessed value: 40 000 US$
Wage: 700 US$/week
Owner: Fighting Crawfish
Warnings: 1, then they killed him.


Stamina: wretched(mainly because he is dead)
Goaltending: weak(about the same as when he was alive)
Playmaking: disastrous Passing: disastrous
Winger: disastrous Defending: disastrous
Scoring: disastrous Set Pieces: wretched

Career Goals: 0
Career Hattricks: 0
League goals this season: 0
Cup goals this season: 0

Rest in peace you bastard. Love The Afoci!

Abel Barreto sold somehow for about 10k. We got 5k for a former player and then 8.5k for the same guy after he sold twice in the same week. Stay tuned, as more will come when The Afoci wakes up.

On a side note, thanks to those who are reading, it is nice to know my story is being followed by some. Thanks.

[Coffee Warlord]

A controversial person who is fiery and dead.

*falls over laughing*

[FrogMan]

Originally posted by The Afoci
His obituary read:

William Dunning (10659765)
18 years, passable form, healthy

A controversial person who is fiery and dead.
Has disastrous experience and wretched leadership abilities but who cares because he was killed by angry, and i mean angry Crawfish.

Gotta assume his health took a turn for the worse after that beating...

FrogMan

[Marmel]

Originally posted by The Afoci
Rest in peace you bastard. Love The Afoci!

Beautiful.

[DataKing]

This is kind of like watching a car wreck. You can't take your eyes off of it, no matter how hard you try.

[The Afoci]

A Kid, A Crawfish, Five Dollars and a Dream

As The Afoci was rushed from the field to his top secret hide out near The New Fighting Crawfish Arena after a terrible break dancing accident, many things rushed through his head.

"Number Two" said The Afoci as he motioned him closer, "Am I....Am I going to make it?"

"Um...." said Number Two "I would say chances are good considering you only have a small cut."

"Not a small cut" screams The Afoci "Now I will never star in a Gap ad."

As The Afoci sat up all heroic like, the men were carrying him down the stairs to his secret hide out. They lost their balance and he was dropped down an entire flight of stairs....

Laying at the bottom, he mumbled..."Father....Is that you?" before going passing out again...

He began seeing his life flash before him, suddenly he was 12 again. His mother had given him 5 dollars. The options of what to do with a 5 dollar bill at that age were endless....or so he thought. After realizing he couldn't get the keg of beer and carton of smokes every 12 year old desired, he knew he only had one choice. The underground animal fights.

They was a secret society of animal fighters on the mean streets of Hawley, Minnesota. The events were held secretly at the local City Hall and were televised on PBS for entertainment purposes only. The event was BYOA, or bring your own animal. The Afoci a rookie in the event brought a Crawfish. It was his first meeting with the great beast of an animal when it would be used as a fighting machine. He went to the local T-shirt shop and had 1 Fighting Crawfish XXXL shirt made. He wore it proudly that day.

Now he knew the wager could bring him large sums of money, upwards in the high teens or low twenties in American Dollars. The whole event was very similar to the movie Bloodsport. This was the Kumeitia(or however that is spelled) of Hawley, Minnesota underground animal fighting.

Our hero made his bet. 5 dollars on the Crawfish to win the whole thing. He was an underdog...literally. He first match came against a German Shepard. A police dog named Chavez "the dope finding" Dog. That dog had all the connections. You wanted some smoke, that dog got it for ya. It was the good stuff too, not the kind a crap you expect from a dog named Chavez "The dope finding" Dog.

The Afoci did his best to get the crawfish ready, and its fight was valiant, but 2.4214 seconds into the first round it was over. Chavez "The dope finding" Dog had eaten the Crawfish.

It was on his walk home, that a defeated The Afoci, with no beer or smokes, realized that his plan was flawed. His whole approach to the underground animal fighting was wrong. His plan to use just a crawfish was flawed...he knew what he needed...Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws!!!!

[Marmel]

That story brought a tear to my eye. Now we finally know what The Afoci wants Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws!!!!

[The Afoci]

Originally posted by Marmel
That story brought a tear to my eye. Now we finally know what The Afoci wants Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws!!!!

really, that makes me feel better now, because I wasn't sure I was getting the main point of this across. at least now I know I have reached one person

[DataKing]

Whatever happened to Chavez "the dope finding" Dog?

[The Afoci]

Originally posted by DataKing
Whatever happened to Chavez "the dope finding" Dog?

He has been a large part in helping me write this dynasty. Trust me, this isn't the last of Chavez "the dope finding" Dog?.