The Mental Health Thread

[Kodos]

Hang in there tarcone. A year-and-a-half passes quickly.

[thesloppy]

My dimestore analysis of my own covid mental health struggles says that the first 3-6 months were largely characterized by anxiety & as time has progressed most/all of those issues & symptoms have evolved into depression. I also feel like that's mirroring most people's struggles these days, including lots of folks who have never dealt with those issues before & you can kind of feel that collective edge in the air. Anxiety is nothing to pine for, but at least there's a kind of nervous energy to it, whereas I think almost everybody is just exhausted, isolated, lonely, angry & entirely unmotivated by this point, all of which tends to spiral downward in the best of conditions, let alone in a pandemic that enforces those exact conditions on you.

It's a tough fucking slog these days & I feel everybody's struggle in here.

[Edward64]

Originally Posted by NobodyHere

Vent my FOFC brethren, vent. Get it all out.

Yup, agreed. Just let it all out.

[GrantDawg]

tarcone's frustration made me think to ask: has anyone here tried one of the apps or online counseling services?

[thesloppy]

Originally Posted by GrantDawg

tarcone's frustration made me think to ask: has anyone here tried one of the apps or online counseling services?

I have, but it was a while ago and I only tried 1 or 2 so I have no idea if my complaints still holds water. I didn't like that there was no history. You can get on the spot therapy, but the person/AI doesn't know you or your history or your issues beyond what you can spout off on the spot, and they will forget you the instant you disconnect, so the results feels like lowest-common-denominator advice & generic one-size-fits all platitudes. It wasn't very helpful for me.

[miami_fan]

I don't think we understand the loneliness that everyone is existing in right now. Before the pandemic, we all would say that some version of "we are all we got" in one or two part of our lives. But we could also say that the "we" could depend on had more resources (people, money, programs, time, trust,etc.). If we were being honest, that "we" was much more plentiful than we acknowledged back then.

It is like we have finally arrived in a place where most of us can say "we are all got" have it actually be true.Now, that "we" has really become really limited in the resources that I mentioned above and more. Add in that all of us could repeat that phrase in multiple facets of our lives, maybe even some "Actually, I am all everyone else's got." and yeah that is going to do a number on your mental health.

[PilotMan]

My son came out to me today as bi. Don't really know how else to start that sentence. My wife is bi. We've talked about what it might be like if our kids were. We're LGBTQ supporters, obviously, and we're super supportive and proud of all things having to do with our kids. Still..it's not something that you'd necessarily say that you would ever be expecting, or expecting to need to process. My wife also said she thinks that he might also still be experimenting and he might not actually be interested in girls at all, but he really doesn't know yet.

Apparently he told his Mom a few weeks ago, then told his little brother when they left on their big trip over Christmas break. Both were like, "ok, no biggie", but for some reason he was very reluctant to tell me. He and I have always had a very close bond. We are like two peas in a pod. He didn't have an easy way to tell me, but I told him it was no biggie too.

I told him that we were always going to be supportive of him, that we only want what's best for him, and best for his happiness. We don't care who he loves, and long as they are worthy of him.

He doesn't want to keep it a secret, but he also doesn't think certain people need to know, so if you're friends on my FB, there's no need to make anything of it, and I don't think anyone would. But my support system is relatively small too, and FOFC has been my home for a great many years, so it's like my place to let down too.

I'll be honest. I grew up sheltered. I was a pretty big homophobe when I was younger. It was the normal thing to be and do. I wasn't a good person about it either and my religious upbringing made sure it was a bad thing. Of course, my marriage, and my wife and my change in perspective have altered a lot of that. I'm a much better person now, and I'm a good Dad. My kids don't need to wonder if I have their back.

But today, I'm working my way though this reality and future and alteration. Just wanted somewhere to share. If those of you who have been through this before want reach out go for it. I'm interested in hearing everyone else's experiences too.

[Edward64]

No experience but sounds like he has a great support structure.

[Solecismic]

Originally Posted by PilotMan

I'll be honest. I grew up sheltered. I was a pretty big homophobe when I was younger. It was the normal thing to be and do. I wasn't a good person about it either and my religious upbringing made sure it was a bad thing. Of course, my marriage, and my wife and my change in perspective have altered a lot of that. I'm a much better person now, and I'm a good Dad. My kids don't need to wonder if I have their back.

The important parts are that you care enough to listen and you've been willing to modify your views as priorities change. So you're there for your family. Can't ask anything more than that.

My generation (maybe yours as well) - that's just the crap that was around us at that time. No one is more a conformist than a teenager (that part hasn't changed), and if you combine religion at that time with teenage at that time, there were millions of young people who were pretty awful about homosexuality.

It really wasn't that long ago that this started to change - interesting piece of trivia is that Bill Clinton was the one who signed the "Defense of Marriage Act" only 25 years ago. That was considered a compromise of sorts. Imagine if even a Republican suggested something similar today.

Youth should be the time when we avoid labels and find out what's out there. We think of a "mid-life crisis" as some sort of event that's a sign of transitioning into middle age. I think of it as something people experience if they never advanced beyond the labels they clung to during their youths. People change gradually - at all ages. Family, however, should always be a base.

[Swaggs]

Parents giving their support to children when they come out is such a huge resiliency factor, it sounds like you handled everything perfectly well. If you and your wife are accepting, he is going to be more accepting of it himself. I think it is normal for children to model themselves and their lives on those of their parents (either in a way that mirrors their parents or in a way that rebels against them).

My guess is that he was reluctant to tell you because part of his own process of coming to terms with this may be that his life is not going to look exactly like yours and he may feel that you will be disappointed. I think you telling him that you want him to be with someone that is "worthy" of being with him is a real compliment and worth reinforcing with all of your children. You can still have expectations for what you want for your children, but letting him know that things like similar values, ethics, kindness, mutual respect, goals, etc. are the most important things (rather than gender or orientation) is good parenting.

[GrantDawg]

Aa a teenager, I would always to try to be my kind of accepting. I would say if people like who they like, and whatever they enjoy doesn't affect ne. But then I would be guilty of laughing at the homophobic joke. I didn't stand in the way of the kid getting picked on. My friends and I definitely would call each other homophonic names.
Now as a parent of a gay son, that stuff definitely haunts me. There is nothing you can do to change the past. All you can do is try to be better in the future.

Sent from my SM-G996U using Tapatalk

[PilotMan]

Originally Posted by Swaggs

My guess is that he was reluctant to tell you because part of his own process of coming to terms with this may be that his life is not going to look exactly like yours and he may feel that you will be disappointed.

This was exactly one thing he said. That the life you thought I would have isn't the one I'm going to, or something similar to that. He left back to school much more relaxed and happy having done it. Apparently, he had told my wife back in early December and she had tried to talk him into talking to me earlier. Ultimately, she ended up telling him that she didn't feel right keeping it from me and that he needed to get it done, and that lead to today.

I'm struggling a bit today, but I know I'll be ok. I just need to process this a bit. It's really hard to explain though. It's the fear that I'll feel differently about him because of the way I was raised, and it's not even a conscious thought. I don't think I will, but there's some fear inside that I'll change something without meaning to, or that I'll say something, or act differently without wanting to. I love him incredibly much, from the moment he was born and we're big time buddies.

Like I said, difficult to explain.

[flere-imsaho]

Hopefully you take this the way it's intended, as a little comic relief:

[PilotMan]

It's an incurable, irresistible urge that cannot be contained. lol

[NobodyHere]

Imagine if your kid came out to you as a pro-Trumper. How would you handle that one?

[miami_fan]

Originally Posted by PilotMan

This was exactly one thing he said. That the life you thought I would have isn't the one I'm going to, or something similar to that. He left back to school much more relaxed and happy having done it. Apparently, he had told my wife back in early December and she had tried to talk him into talking to me earlier. Ultimately, she ended up telling him that she didn't feel right keeping it from me and that he needed to get it done, and that lead to today.

I'm struggling a bit today, but I know I'll be ok. I just need to process this a bit. It's really hard to explain though. It's the fear that I'll feel differently about him because of the way I was raised, and it's not even a conscious thought. I don't think I will, but there's some fear inside that I'll change something without meaning to, or that I'll say something, or act differently without wanting to. I love him incredibly much, from the moment he was born and we're big time buddies.

Like I said, difficult to explain.

While it is understandable, I think you are preemptively being too hard on yourself. You already said that you are not the same person you were when you were younger. I assume your son knows the kind of person you are today and the love that you have for him. If the relationship is what you say it is and YOU have no reason to believe that the relationship is not what you say it is, I don't see any reason why you would feel any different. Remember, your son came out to the person you are today. I am not sure he is coming out to the person you were years ago. That is a credit to you, him and the relationship you both have with each other

I also think that the expectations that you will not say something or act differently is unrealistic. You both have already acknowledged that things have changed when it comes to your expectations for his life path. However, based on what you have said here and the fact that he went back to school more relaxed and happy, things have changed for the better. The key is that you both know and trust that any missteps that may occur in the future occurred without intent and without malice.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Repurposed from my own social media, I just wish I could give it the appropriate emphasis that it has in my head & heart right now.

------

I just had an epiphany of sorts and it feels like kind of a big one so I'm going to share fwiw.

If you're going to have faith then you have to have FAITH.

You can't say it's faith and then refuse/decline to let that go all the way. It either is or it ain't, and you either have it (and the trust implied) or you don't.

And please don't overthink this. It's a very simple concept and I've spent decades overthinking too much shit not to warn you about that risk.

And because I over think stuff ... this isn't about criticizing anybody's faith or lack thereof in whatever.

It's entirely about .... _saying_ you have faith in a person/thing/whatever BUT then not acting accordingly.

Faith is hard, I get that better than most I'm afraid. But if you're going to claim it -- be it about a Higher Power or someone being the right quarterback for your favorite team's situation -- then HAVE it.

[SirFozzie]

So, my brother tested positive for COVID-19.

And he was the only one on the work trip to test positive, so it's very likely he was exposed during the extra 24 hours we had to wait because of the storm. Because we knew he was travelling to a high risk area (Florida, land of the Anti-Vaxxers and "LOL WHAT COVID" Governor), we've tried to minimize our exposure to each other in the days since he returns.

Now that he's tested positive, he will be getting a hotel room for a week or two until he's clear of symptoms, which means it's just me and the doggos for the next ten days. And wondering if every sniffle and bit of trouble is COVID-19. This is doing wonders for my anxiety, let me tell you.

Being on immunosuppressants sucks in many ways. This is one of the big ones. Especially since my treatment team (health care worker etcetera) have been trying to get answers on what treatments I should get (as an immunosupressed, getting even the milder COVID-19 variant is dangerous) for weeks now. Now it's no longer theoretical, but a possibility/probability.

Time to take a few deep breaths I think.

[Ksyrup]

Not anything personal, just reacting to the death of a James Madison softball player who appears to have committed suicide. She was a star player, catcher on a WCWS team last year and was just named conference player of the week yesterday after a huge weekend at the plate. Crazy. You never know what's in someone mind, even if they appear to be riding high.

[BYU 14]

Originally Posted by Ksyrup

Not anything personal, just reacting to the death of a James Madison softball player who appears to have committed suicide. She was a star player, catcher on a WCWS team last year and was just named conference player of the week yesterday after a huge weekend at the plate. Crazy. You never know what's in someone mind, even if they appear to be riding high.

I saw a few of their games last year, they were a fun team to watch, so sad.

[henry296]

Originally Posted by Ksyrup

Not anything personal, just reacting to the death of a James Madison softball player who appears to have committed suicide. She was a star player, catcher on a WCWS team last year and was just named conference player of the week yesterday after a huge weekend at the plate. Crazy. You never know what's in someone mind, even if they appear to be riding high.

I also saw a story about a Wisconsin cross-country runner yesterday and there was a Stanford women's soccer goalie recently as well. Very sad.

[JonInMiddleGA]

I don't really know the ... etiquette .. for this so I'll just toss the link down below.

I'd been feeling like I ought to say something of some sort on my social media, just about "stuff", for the past week or so. Finally did that tonight, but it got longwinded so I converted it over to a blog post so as not to fill people's feeds. Just a kinda "how it's going" post basically,

WordPress.com

[Brian Swartz]

Just wanted to say that was a very well-done post Jon. I hope it was in some way helpful for you as well to write it.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by Brian Swartz

Just wanted to say that was a very well-done post Jon. I hope it was in some way helpful for you as well to write it.

Thanks, I appreciate it.

Honestly, I'm not sure how much therapeutic value there was versus me at least getting some relief from the nagging sense that I hadn't said "enough" publicly.

It was, I think, primarily motivated by a desire to ease the minds of some of the people who are (I think) interested/concerned but keeping their distance for various reasons of their own.

So it had value to me, just maybe not in the way somebody might suspect.

[miami_fan]

After yesterday, I am really struggling today.

I really thought I had hardened myself to these school shootings. Sandy Hook broke me when it happened so my struggles today are not surprising. My wife and youngest son go to the same school every day and have for the last seven years. Whenever they started doing the active shooter drills, I had to confront the reality that it was possible that I would lose them both in one of these shootings. The biggest verbal fight I have ever had with my son had nothing to do with grades, doing homework or even his time on his various game systems. It was him telling me that after going through an active shooter drill, he would not be hiding in a classroom if he thought his mother was endangered. While she has never explicitly said so, I know she give her life to protect her babies. Mentally I had to at least begin to process the possibility of what could happen while hoping beyond it never would. Yesterday my wife and I did nothing more than acknowledge that the shooting happened. My son and I went to the Rays game.

Fast forward to this morning. I take my son to school as normal but I had to drop him off in the teacher's parking lot as opposed to the front of the school. My wife forgot something at home and instead of dropping him off and driving 10 mins out of the way to get back to the school to give it to her, I figured I would just drop him off there and have him give her the item as this is where her ESE students are dropped off at. After he gets out of the car, I just found myself staring at him walking to give my wife the item then going to class and then watching my wife getting her ESE students out of their parents' cars. Tears are streaming down my face. She is leaving the classroom at the end of this school year. He is heading off to high school in August. but there is still a day and a half of school left in this year. For that minute or two I sat there, I had doubts about whether or not they would make it through that day and a half.

In the past, I have joked with my wife about seeing cars waiting to pick up students outside the school gate as many as four hours prior dismissal. If I did not have a few appointments this morning that I need to tend to, I might have been one of those cars today.

[Kodos]

Yeah, this shit has to stop. How can we as a country allow this to keep happening? Where is the basic human decency?

[BYU 14]

Man, that is deep my friend and much love your way. At the gym this morning, a guy I talk to a lot, how is very pro 2A came up to me with a a defeated look on his face.

He went on to express how much yesterday has messed with his emotions and he couldn't get the images of those murdered out of his mind. We had a productive conversation and shared ideas, but ultimately a theme is emerging and that is people are getting sick of this, regardless of politics.

I have those same thoughts you had about my grandkids, especially with 6 of the 7 in gun crazy Arizona. I quickly try and shake those thoughts from my mind, but they come back again and again.

[Lathum]

I think just about all of us with kids had a rough morning sending them off to school even though we got emails that there would be added police presence, etc...

We told my 9 year old before school today and it was tough, but we didn't want her to hear about it from another kid with muddled details. she just couldn't understand why someone would do such a thing, hard to explain to her that we don't understand why either. Her school has 2 security guards that are ex-cops, one my neighbor and I know he would give his life for any one of those kids, so it made me feel a little better but was still tough. Before she left she made each of them a card thanking them for protecting her and her friends. It was such a kind and innocent gesture and it made me proud and sad all at the same moment.

[molson]

That is so sweet and really makes a difference for those people trying to help and prevent things from happening in their little zone of influence.

And there really are a lot of successes on that front I think. Congress doesn't do anything to help but lots of people do - teachers, police officers, prosecutors, public defenders, judges, juvenile probation officers, school resource officers, social workers all live with the threat of this stuff and try to do their part all the time. There is a hyper vigilance that doesn't go away even after expressed anger on social media does. Who knows how much violence has been prevented, I'd guess a lot.

[Galaril]

My wife is a 5th grade teacher and she came home crying about these poor kids and the two adults shot. She said when will it happen to her school. She is going to talk to a therapist since she is getting a type of PTSD from all these shootings. This country is crazy.

[PilotMan]

A friend of mine tried to kill himself yesterday. He was unsuccessful, but hopefully it is something that gets him the help he finally needs. For anyone who is struggling with depression or has thoughts of suicide, please, for the love of your friends and family, get help. Try. Just do something. Don't give up and take the easy way out. Hell, message me and let's talk though stuff together.

[NobodyHere]

Well I have some positive news on my front.

For weeks I have been scheduling a casual walk on meetup.com. At the start it was just to keep me honest on me doing a weekly walk of a few miles or more. I don't like ghosting people so I show up even if I rather not to. The first few weeks it was just me. But in the last the last few weeks people have been showing up in increasing numbers. 8 people showed today including myself. It makes me think I'm starting a movement.

Socializing is hard for me. I can do the casual chit-chat but developing meaningful relationships is extremely hard for me. Maybe I can get a relationships from this group. (Or heck some of the group have said they are in mental health, maybe I can get free advice).

[Kodos]

People tend to give me wide berth now that I have monkey pox.

[NobodyHere]

Also I need advice on how to get along with a Trumpian. I advertise my walks on the internet and he shows up to the events I schedule. One thing the group talked today is that he did not care for the hydration at all for the dog in his care. I personally think he has no empathy towards his pets. What is the best way to correct this situation?

[Izulde]

Provide a water dish for the dogs?

[NobodyHere]

I'd prefer he'd not show up at my events at all. But at today's event that was scheduled for a 3.9 mile hike with the dog. He's been on similar events with the same dog. It was clear he didn't give any thought about his dog at all. Personally I think he shouldn't own any dogs at all.

I dunno, I'm mostly venting right now.

[NobodyHere]

So does anyone have any advice on how to keep a Trumper out of my meetup group? And I know he's a Trumper because we went past a cemetery and he said,"This is where all the Biden supporters live". Also he created a meetup for the movie "2000 Mules" so I don't realy care for him.

[NobodyHere]

Originally Posted by Izulde

Provide a water dish for the dogs?

To simply state I wish Dog owners would know their responsibility.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by NobodyHere

So does anyone have any advice on how to keep a Trumper out of my meetup group? And I know he's a Trumper because we went past a cemetery and he said,"This is where all the Biden supporters live". Also he created a meetup for the movie "2000 Mules" so I don't realy care for him.

I'll answer this in as neutral a way as I can -- cause I kinda mean it neutrally tbh: just wear some ultra left shit or something.

The odds are extremely high that he has no more desire to associate with you than you do with him, maybe he just hasn't figured out the disconnect.

It's not guaranteed to work, to be fair. He might show up JUST to annoy you at that point but that's less likely IMO than him just finding somewhere else to be.

[Lathum]

I have no idea how this app works, but maybe write him and tell him you heard his comment and would prefer he keeps politics out of the group

[Edward64]

Originally Posted by Kodos

People tend to give me wide berth now that I have monkey pox.

So tell us about it ... what's it like?

[Edward64]

Originally Posted by Lathum

I have no idea how this app works, but maybe write him and tell him you heard his comment and would prefer he keeps politics out of the group

I'd say don't write him. Just find a way to discuss with him in person, away from the others. Not what you say, it's how you say it. So do it in a non-sarcastic, honest tone - say "can we avoid talking about 3 things - religion, sex related stuff, and politics etc." and maybe toss him a bone "if you want to talk about politics, maybe after the meetup invite others to a coffee etc."

It may still blow up on you (who knows with devout Trumpers) but IMO best approach.

[GrantDawg]

Call the walk "Walking for BLM" or "Supporters of Gay Rights" or something.

[Lathum]

Are you allowed to put in group rule similar to what a private facebook group does?

[NobodyHere]

So my group walk today went pretty well (except for a small spat between the Trumper and the rest of the group about covid) except for the ending for which I feel terrible. After the walk was over we decided to sit down in the nearby shade. An intellectually handicapped woman sitting at a nearby table started hitting on me. Like she asked me for my phone number and asked me over to her place within about 10 minutes of sitting down. I tried to decline as gracefully as I could but I don't feel I was graceful enough.

On the drive home I had to admit that I had some respect for her courage because I don't think I could ask any woman back to my place within 10 minutes of meeting them!

[thesloppy]

That is like the subplot of a raunchy '90s comedy. Was she part of your group, or just a random person you ran into outside?

[NobodyHere]

Random person

[sovereignstar v2]

Denise Handicap?

[Kodos]

Originally Posted by Edward64

So tell us about it ... what's it like?

I tend to crave bananas, and I am frequently tempted to throw my feces at people.

[thesloppy]

Originally Posted by NobodyHere

Random person

That is a pretty bad ending. Like, this is the reward for extracurricular socialization? Aggressive unsolicited affection from disadvantaged strangers?