ZFL 2009 Season - Will good things come in 3's for the Margaritas?

[JAG]

What the heck is the ZFL? If you're new to reading the dynasty, check out the link below to learn more about revrew's creation and have a look at its first season:

http://dynamic2.gamespy.com/%7Efof/f...ead.php?t=7607

[JAG]

Schlereth’s preseason picks

A wild offseason that saw top starters retiring from their clubs, top rookies looking to play some prominent roles, and the most active offseason of trading since the league’s inception has turned the ZFL on its head. Forget everything you knew about the ZFL last year…except for San Antonio being the class of the league.

Season Predictions:

1. San Antonio 10-1 – The champs have lost one game in the past two years combined. And they still boast the most dominating defense in the league. Could they be the ZFL’s first three-time championship winner?

2. Birmingham 9-2 – The addition of Nymph turned this team into ZFL champions back in 2003. Will adding Thor have the same effect?

3. Little Rock 7-4 – Clearly a team on the rise with some impressive offensive weapons and defensive superstars. Still a couple of players short of challenging the top two teams.

4. Knoxville 6-5 – No team will stop them on offense. But then, they won’t be stopping anyone either.

5. Albuquerque 6-5 – Will Moe really sink this low? How large will that injury to Kearney loom?

6. Milwaukee 6-5 – A disappointing draft means another year without offense for the Muscle Men. But who among ZFL teams can score on them?

7. Portland 5-6 – The Sea Biscuits rebuilt their line with the trade to Fargo, but their choice to go with a youth movement will hurt their bottom line this year. Teams will look forward to finally being able to attack the middle of Portland’s defense following the trade of Colonel Joseph C. McCormick III.

8. Los Angeles 5-6 – RB Dangerfield will have another big year behind one of the top offensive lines in the game, but the defense and passing attack remain mediocre. Losing Toby “Spiderman” McGwire was a big blow to the defense.

9. Chicago 4-7 – Offense will finally have some balance this year, but the run defense remains this team’s Achilles’ heel.

10. Cincinnati 3-8 – Call them the Raiders, as the Chaps boast the only ZFL team with five starters 30+ years old. The addition of Colonel Joseph C. McCormick III will add some talent to a desperate defense, and while the passing game should shine this year, the running game will struggle.

11. El Paso 3-8 – A young team of playmakers on offense and defense, but the foundation and pass defense needs some work

12. Fargo 2-9 – Only a small step for the Fighting Crawfish as they increase their wins by two this year, but the defense from last year was really really bad and still could use some work. However, the arrow for Fargo is finally pointed up and one more positive offseason could lead to a quick turnaround for the team.

[revrew]

(Behind closed doors the future-minded LA GM Revrew snickers..."I could use the 5th overall pick. O yes indeedee. Moo-haha.")

[JAG]

rev: good stuff.

ZFL 2009 Schedule

Week						
1	LR - PT	BH - CN	LA - CH	KX - MW	SA - EP	AQ - FG
2	FG - KX	LR - LA	MW - BH	CH - SA	PT - CN	EP - AQ
3	LR - EP	KX - BH	CH - PT	AQ - CN	LA - FG	SA - MW
4	PT - AQ	FG - EP	KX - SA	MW - CH	BH - LA	CN - LR
5	CN - SA	EP - CH	BH - AQ	FG - LR	PT - KX	MW - LA
6	LA - SA	MW - PT	FG - CN	LR - AQ	EP - BH	CH - KX
7	AQ - CH	CN - MW	SA - LR	BH - FG	LA - PT	KX - EP
8	PT - SA	MW - FG	AQ - LA	CN - EP	KX - LR	BH - CH
9	EP - LA	CH - LR	CN - KX	PT - BH	MW - AQ	FG - SA
10	LR - BH	SA - AQ	EP - MW	LA - KX	CN -CH	FG - PT
11	EP - PT	AQ - KX	CH - FG	SA - BH	LR - MW	LA - CN

Season Highlights

Week 1: A tough early season battle with the high-powered Knoxville offense battling the Muscle Men’s hard-hitting defense and the champs start their season battling El Paso. As San Antonio has sometimes struggled against top quarterbacks, could a shocking upset be in the making for the McGwire-led Buster?

Week 2: Joseph C. McCormick III faces his old mates. How will he fare against Erik Flamebeard of the Neither Here Nor There?

Week 3: Last year the Muscle Men handed the Margaritas their only loss. Will history repeat itself?

Week 4: Fargo and El Paso meet in a matchup of the top two picks of the 2008 draft.

Week 5: The Olympians face the Isotopes in what has annually been a hard-fought battle of offense vs. defense.

Week 6: Chicago’s pass defense has been pretty solid these past few years, but will it hold up against Knoxville? And will Knoxville’s defense hold up against Chicago’s revamped offense? And last year’s Cincinnati – Fargo game was a high-scoring entertaining affair, but this year both teams have added solid defensive pieces in The Jesus and Colonel Joseph C. McCormick III. Will Fargo be able to notch a win this year?

Week 7: Possibly the two teams with the best offensive lines in the league meet when LA and Portland lock horns.

Week 8: Things should be heating up at this point of the season, just in time for a sizzling offensive battle between Little Rock and Knoxville, while the annual game between Portland and San Antonio rages on.

Week 9: It’s yet another great battle of an offensive and defensive squad squaring off in the Milwaukee – Albuquerque match.

Week 10: Bringing up the champs again, with the Margaritas taking on the Isotopes in a rematch from last year’s opener where Sizzlack’s heroics almost did in San Antonio. Will he put the ‘Topes over the top this year?

Week 11: Lots of competitive matches to close out the season. Little Rock – Milwaukee should be something special, the annual Sizzlack – Thumbless shootout, two huge running games meet in Chicago – Fargo, and both El Paso - Portland and LA – Cincinnati should be close games. And to top all that off, perhaps the two most talented teams in the league meet in San Antonio – Birmingham. Will it be to determine a title?

[sachmo71]

Good luck to all! Let's get this part started!

[JeeberD]

I WILL beat the Chaps this year (though I guess I wouldn't really mind getting the second overall pick)...

[Swaggs]

My cuts are submitted.

[digamma]

2009 Knoxville slogan:

If you ain't 'Neckin', you ain't nothin'.

[korme]

35 y/o HB Bubs has retired from the ZFL, a starter since day one for the Chaps, he has been replaced by 28 y/o Seinfeld.

Eh, Steve!, DT, also replaced as a starter in the recent trade, has made plans to retire as well.

[NevStar]

Man, Schlereth gives the 'Topes no love again this year. We'll prove him wrong, though.

[JAG]

All roster cuts are in. Up next is week 1!

[tucker342]

not bad

[JAG]

Week 1:

The first meeting in the 2009 ZFL season belongs to two teams moving in opposite directions. The Sea Biscuits finished with the top record in the league last year, but having lost to San Antonio in their game and tying them in the standings gave the Margaritas the title. Rather than fight a futile campaign against them again this year, they decided to give up some key veterans to build towards what they hope is a championship future. For Little Rock, the present was looking awfully good with star QB Johnny Rotten just starting to come into his own as a top QB in the league.

Today’s performance would be a wakeup for the league. On the first play of the game, Johnny Rotten picked out the mismatch he wanted: rookie WR Little Mark Marmel facing Portland’s untested safety Dust Puppy (as a result of trading Black Mage to Fargo). “Flash” Marmel ran a fly route right past Dust Puppy and, facing little pressure from the Portand defensive line, Rotten threw a perfect strike to Marmel. The rookie gathered in the pass and flew to the end zone. Man, is this kid a track star or a football player?! Either way, 7-0 Little Rock on an 80 yard bomb.

Portland’s offense went to work on the Slick Willie defense. With OG Flamebeard working on stout Slick Willie DT Henry Blitzen, RB Lothar Dirtpounder found some room in the middle of the line to run, ripping off runs of 6, 11, and 8 yards. On second and 2, OLB Little Ray came on a run blitz and tackled Dirtpounder in the backfield for a four yard loss. On the ensuing play, the Sea Biscuits decided to cross up Little Rock by running a pass play to new WR Chancellor Yang. Bad move. The receiver ran the wrong route, leading to an easy pick of QB Paddy O for CB Tommy “TNT” Toothpick.

Little Rock went back to work on offense. A few completions to WR Bruce Spinner and a 30 yarder to Little Mark Marmel brought the Slick Willies within striking distance. The next call: draw play to RB Rajah Saleem. With Portland’s star DT Captain Bipto already having busted through the line, Rajah was luckily able to sidestep the tackle and zip through a hole courtesy of two key blocks by OG John Boy Edison and FB Johnny “Kid” Rock on DT Corporal Ziggy and MLB Sectoid Commander. 22 bobbing and weaving yards later, Little Rock was up 14-0.

The rest of the day would not go well for the Portland defense, as they faced the well-balanced Slick Willie offense that could do no wrong. Spinner finished with 7 catches for 110 yards and a score while “Flash” Marmel hauled 4 passes averaging an incredible 40 yards per catch and two TDs. Rajah finished with 117 yards and 3 TDs. And even though Dirtpounder had a great day with 161 yards and 3 TDs, QB Paddy O didn’t fare nearly so well, turning the ball over 3 times (a pick each by S Red Herring and the earlier one by Tommy Toothpick, and a fumble recovery by L.L. Jeeber D.), and getting sacked 3 times (2 by L.L. Jeeber D, 1 by Little Ray). By keeping The Manchild (7 catches, 72 yards) and the Portland passing game in check, Little Rock blasted the Sea Biscuits 42-21.

*****

The Olympians began their 2009 campaign against a vastly different Cincinnati team, which had added an all-pro defensive tackle, a new starting running back, the second overall pick of the 2009 draft starting at OT, and what has appeared in preseason to be a vastly improved aerial attack. Despite these positive additions to the Chaps, they had the misfortune of starting the season against one of the top defensive squads in the ZFL with Pro Bowlers at both defensive end positions, the safety position, studs at defensive tackle, and so on.

It was a painful start to the season for the Chaps. On their first offensive possession, DT Hera blew past OG So and So and tackled Jerry Seinfeld for a 3 yard loss. After the play, So and So moved gingerly for a few steps, then collapsed. Play stopped as trainers rushed onto the field to see what was wrong with the former first overall draft pick. It was determined that he had a groin pull, but since there was no one on the bench capable of replacing him, he had no choice but to tough it out.

As expected following his injury, Cincinnati badly struggled to run the ball. RB Jerry Seinfeld looked rusty in his first prolonged action in a few seasons and he was soon smothered by DTs Hera and Cyclopes. He tried bouncing a few outside, trying to make use of rookie OT The Jorb’s strong blocking, but the rookie tackle got a rough initiation into the ZFL facing DE Another Atlantis and Seinfeld’s outside runs didn’t lead to much positive yardage. The Chaps ended up in too many long third and fourth downs, allowing the Olympian linebackers to drop into coverage and let S Odysseus play centerfield (he ended up with 2 passes defensed and an INT). While QB Mr. Shmallow was able to connect on one long touchdown pass of 38 yards to WR Senor Cardgage who had one-on-one “coverage” by CB Hektor (Hektor was about 10 yards behind Cardgage on the TD pass), for most of the day he was harassed by the Olympian defensive line, which racked up 7 sacks (2 each for Atlantis, Another Atlantis, and Hera, and one for Cyclopes).

On the other side of the ball, Birmingham got the first crack the revamped Chaps defense. Even though new Chaps defender DT Colonel Joseph C. McCormick III definitely made Cincinnati stouter at the point of attack, he had the misfortune of facing one of the league’s best guards in Another Troy. With Another Troy handling the former Military Middle member, the rest of the Chaps defense collapsed against the Olympian attack. The Birmingham ground game 1-2 punch of rookie FB Thor and RB Roman was especially effective, with Thor (23 rushes for 119 yards, 2 TDs) supplying the power and Roman (9 rushes, 40 yards, 1 TD) acting as a change-of-pace back. QB Zeus Reloaded was somewhat inconsistent, completing only 50% of his passes partly due to the pressure supplied by DE’s The Ugly One and Strong Mad, but did manage a play-action 13-yard TD strike to newcomer WR Khan Ogadai. A strong start to the season for Birmingham and unfortunately a familiar one for Cincinnati as the Olympians win 28-7. After the game, Cincinnati team doctors looked at So and So’s groin. Their initial diagnosis was none too positive, but they cautioned against making a rash judgment until they had had a few days to take a closer look at it.

*****

The Margaritas began their quest for a third title against the El Paso Busters. El Paso looked to be improved from this past year with the addition of rookie OLB Eric Kumerow to solidify the defense and WR Sylvester Morris to diversify the passing game. But facing the tough San Antonio defense, would it be enough?

One thing that was immediately apparent in this game was the impressive play of the Buster linebackers. All over the field, MLB Brian Bosworth tracked down HB Mutt and FB Teeny and prevented them from getting any long gains. When he wasn’t near enough to make the play, his partner in crime, rookie OLB Eric Kumerow, was there to cover his tracks. The problem for El Paso was that their defensive line was getting blown off the ball, so even though their linebackers were keeping San Antonio from breaking off any big plays, the Margaritas were never forced to give up on the run.

One of the subplots of the game was QB Dip Diperson’s first start since the 2007 season. Judging by his results today, San Antonio has to be happy with their decision to go with the youngster. Playing without anything resembling a pass rush to aid them, the Buster secondary was exploited by WR’s Primetime (8 catches for 89 yards, 1 TD) and Finlandia The Chilly (6 catches for 112 yards, 1 TD). With FB Teeny and HB Mutt each getting a TD on the ground, San Antonio boasted four separate players scoring TD's on the day.

El Paso’s offense couldn’t keep up. The Busters were able to get some yards in the air behind the strong arm of their QB Dan McGwire, but once the field shrunk near the goaline, the offense couldn’t punch it in. This was, in part, due to a running game that couldn’t accomplish anything with DT’s Aragorn and Sack U clogging up the middle, and MLB Ray Lewis playing his typically strong game. More devestatingly, McGwire had two turnovers within the Margarita five yard line (one a fumble recovery by DE All Pro after a sack, one an INT by S Godzilla Blitz when McGwire tried to force a ball to Sylvester Morris). The defensive pressure was too much for El Paso and they opened their 2009 season with a loss to the 2-time defending champs by a score of 28-0.

(part 2 of week 1 coming later)

[Swaggs]

What a tease!!!

[JeeberD]

Dammit!

I really need to work on my o-line in the offseason.

...and my d-line.

...and my secondary.

Yeesh...

[JAG]

*****

Week 1 (cont.)

Chicago and LA met in a clash between two teams which underwent major changes from last year. Chicago’s offense went from one-sided to balanced after they added an impressive-looking receiver in the draft. LA fielded its first team without DE Toby McGwire in years while playing two rookie defenders and adding a receiver from the Olympians.

This game turned out to be a wild one in which both defenses were clearly overmatched. LA opened up with a strong drive, running behind the strength of their offensive line and the wheels of Rodney Dangerfield, before surprising Chicago with a 14 yard TD strike to Ashton Kucher. Yes, that’s correct…a TD pass from QB Bernie Mac (he admittedly had all day to throw it with Chicago’s ineffective pass rush). Chicago came back in fine style with Mike Marino throwing darts of 22 and 20 yards to WR Joel Tidwell before RB Randy Steele plowed in for a 6 yard TD run. On the run by Steele, Chicago’s FB Josh Hackenstein put a great lead block on MLB Brad Pitt and knocked him out of the play, but he pulled up lame after the TD scored. It looked to be a pulled hamstring, but Hackenstein angrily waved the trainers back when they came out to look at him.

The teams went back and forth the rest of the game. Chicago bracketed coverage on WR Ashton Kucher and QB Bernie Mac struggled for most of the game, showing he had built little chemistry with new WR Hercules, but with Chicago using MLB El Capone in coverage, Rodney Dangerfield had a huge game even by his own standards, rushing for 218 yards and 3 TDs. And despite that performance for ZFL fantasy players who had Dangerfield, the real story came from Chicago’s balanced attack and LA’s punchless defense. Rookie CB Kevin Bacon was toasted repeated by Chicago’s wideouts and Marino’s accurate arm (22-30 for 280 yards and 2 TDs). The defensive ends couldn’t make up the pass rush lost by Toby McGwire’s NFL defection. The run defense couldn’t hold up against the famed wrecking ball attack even with Hackenstein’s injury (130 yards and 3 TDs for Randy Steele). And Chicago held on to win despite Dangerfield’s big day 35-28.

*****

The game between Albuquerque and Fargo was considered by most authorities to be a laugher. The worst defense in the league against one of if not the best offense? Sizzlack against nary an All-Pro or Pro Bowler? The response to that is a familiar refrain: THAT’S…why they play the game.

Let’s also not yet anoint the Fargo defense as the Steel Curtain. Admittedly, Sizzlack had no problem throwing the ball around the field, as rookie OLB The Jesus looked a little lost in coverage at times, just as you would expect a rookie to fair against a former league MVP. Kid Gruesome and his two favorite targets WR’s The Cheat and Quagmire each had banner days against the ‘Fish (Sizzlack – 284 yards, 3 TDs, 0 INTs; The Cheat – 9 catches for 111 yards, 1 TD; Quagmire – 8 catches for 101 yards, 2 TDs). But where Fargo was able to excel today on defense was stopping the Isotope rushing attack. The defense line played admirably against Albuquerque’s offensive line, especially with defensive tackles The Defense and Mr. Goodballs beating up their weak interior. The penetration by the defensive tackles forced the ‘Topes to run outside, but The Jesus’ quickness moving sideline to sideline limited RB Guy Incognito to a host of short gains (2.4 yard per cary) and only a short 1 yard plunge behind OT Ralph Wiggum prevented the running game from being completely shut out of the end zone.

Fargo’s defense kept it respectable (compared with last year anyway). And on offense, the Fargo running game chipped away at the Isotope defense. The Ordinary Guys OT Charlie and OG Ray played their usual solid game, with Ray especially doing a great job of nullifying DT Nelson “The Hammer” Muntz. Once RB Glutton for Punishment and FB Ty Wick got to the second level against the Isotope linebackers, they made them pay. GFP finished with 4 runs over 20 yards, including TD runs of 37 and 32 yards, and ran for 179 yards on the day. Ty Wick added 46 yards and a TD on 9 carries.

But it was an awful day again for Fargo QB El Poopiehead. His wild throws led to his receivers getting frustrated (though CB James L. Brooks and S Troy McClure had a fine performance, WR’s Lobsterboy and Kaptain Insano got open often enough). Despite his poor outing, the running game kept things close and he had one final chance to tie the game for Fargo, down 28-21 and facing a 4th and goal from the 9 with 30 seconds to go. Even with their running success on the day, the Fighting Crawfish felt they couldn’t dare run the ball in this situation. Poopiehead’s fake handoff was successful enough to freeze OLB Kearney from dropping back far enough in the end zone. Lobsterboy broke free from Troy McClure on the slant! The throw…was too high for…

Whoa.

Lobsterboy jumped and extended his arms just enough to tip the ball to himself. James L. Brooks tried to knock the ball out, but Lobsterboy held on to the ball tightly. 28-28 with 20 seconds to go!

Was 20 second too much time? Sizzlack took command of the huddle and threw a pair of nice sideline routes to Quagmire, setting up a final second Hail Mary from about midfield. Fargo took a chance and threw The Jesus at Sizzlack instead of having him play deep coverage. He timed his rush perfectly and flew by OT Ripberger. Sizzlack saw him coming but couldn’t get away and crumpled to the turf. Tie ballgame. Bring on the kickers!

Little used Fargo kicker XSquared trotted out to midfield to meet the diminutive Sir Gary Coleman for the bout of the day. As it turned out, the bout would truly be a bout as the two would meet in a makeshift ring for a 3 round boxing match. First to get KO’ed or win by judges (refs) would win.

Looking at XSquared’s powerful physique going against Coleman, who had to be giving up a good 60-70 pounds of muscle, you could easily predict the outcome of this one. Coleman did a nice job of sticking and moving…for about 10 seconds. Then Xsquared connected on a strong jab. Then a right hook. On the next right hook, Coleman went down and wisely decided to stay down as the ref counted him out. Fargo stuns the Isotopes and starts the season 1-0 with a 31-28 victory.

*****

In the final match of the first week, the ‘Necks battled the Muscle Men in a tussle between two teams who finished over .500 last year with title aspirations. The big attraction with this game was the powerful Knxoville offense facing the Milwaukee defense. And based on the outcome of that matchup, you’d have to give the nod to Knoxville. Thumbless Jackson put on a masterful performance today, mixing short and long passes to avoid OLB Superman’s blitzes and coverage, hitting WR’s Jackosn Jackson and Luke Jackson for a combined 278 yards and 3 TD’s. With RB Leon Jackson plowing ahead for a fourth score behind guards Fort Sumter Jackson and Lee Davis Jackson, the game looked lost for Milwaukee and their impotent offense. Right?

Let’s just say that Knoxville’s defense is to offensive impotence as Viagra is to male impotence. The Milwaukee running game with RB Ricky Williams running behind FB Bulldozer’s excellent lead blocks led to a great day by Ricky (22 rushes for 117 yards, 3 TDs) and Dan Marino Jr. was even able to complete a pass to WR Lightning on a 22 yard post pattern past safety Pass It Somewhere Else Jackson for a touchdown through the air. The score remained tied at 28 with five minutes left a side. But both sides had decent drives ended by turnover (INT by CB Deion Jackson, sack and fumble recovered by Superman) and the score stayed tied right up to the final gun. Bring on the kickers!

Groans went up among the Knoxville faithful as hated son Eli Manning strutted out to midfield. And yet, there were a few mingled cheers from fans recalling Manning’s victory to close out last year. Perhaps there was some hope today for the youngster.

Uh, no. Not against Bruce “I’ll Kick Your Butt” Handily. The king of kickers strode confidently to midfield. Having a wealth of knowledge in the arena of strange contests and supreme physical ability, it was going to be no contest no matter what was chosen…but wait, what’s that? A water pistol fight? Yes indeed, an old-fashioned water pistol was given to each of the two kickers with victory going to the first kicker to get a bit of dampness on the opponent.

The two circled each other from a good distance, each trying to feel out the other. Handily darted forward quickly and let loose a couple of volleys towards Manning, but Manning was able to sidestep the fast-traveling liquid. Still, Handily advanced forward, trying to force Manning up against the sidelines where he wouldn’t have room to maneuver. Manning squirted a few shots at Handily to try and keep him at bay, but Handily kept drawing closer. Finally Manning went on a full out run to get away. The move surprised Handily a bit, but he laughed out loud as he ran after his prey.

But Manning actually came up with a clever plan. He let loose a mass of shots on the ground immediately behind him. Handily was bearing down on Manning too fast and as he hit the wet patch of grass, he lost his footing. Poor Bruce’s feet slipped out from under him and he landed flat on his back, the gun on the ground about four feet away, having slipped out of his grasp as he fell. Manning smiled and shot Handily point blank in the face. A stunning 31-28 victory for Knoxville as Eli Manning defeats Bruce Handily.

Standings:

SA 1-0 (0)
BH 1-0 (7)
LR 1-0 (21)
CH 1-0 (28)
FG 1-0 (28)
KX 1-0 (28)
EP 0-1 (28)
CN 0-1 (28)
MW 0-1 (31)
AQ 0-1 (31)
LA 0-1 (35)
PT 0-1 (42)

[illinifan999]

WE ARE UNDEFEATED!

[NevStar]

There goes the season.

AQ boosters cry foul, accusing the commissioner's office of kowtowing to the strong Fargo lobby (and their friendly puppies) when it comes to overtime events.

We in the Isotopes front office would never believe our beloved commissioner would ever stoop so low. We only hope that our selected overtime event, a "Whatchoo Talkin' Bout" contest, is selected soon.

[Swaggs]

That is the best overtime contest ever.

[digamma]

Headline from the Knoxville paper:
IS ELI A JACKSON AFTER ALL?

[DolphinFan1]

That's bogus man. Bruce Handily is the best kicker in the ZFL past, present and future. The Muscle Men will get their revenge.

Good game Knoxville.

[revrew]

A loss to Chicago?? A win by Fargo?

Sweeeet

(To the tune of "The Jefforsons") - Movin' on up...in the first round...

[JAG]

Injury Report – Week 1


Albuquerque – No injuries.

Birmingham – No injuries.

Chicago – Doctors examined FB Josh Hackenstein after the game and determined that he had a moderately strained right hamstring. They expect him to be back to full health in 2-4 weeks, but until then his drive blocking will not be as strong as he is accustomed.

Cincinnati – Cincinnati has been a snake bit franchise for years: draft busts, injuries, and so on. Their luck continued with the groin injury to OG So and So. While not being the most severe type of tear, it would certainly be faster to heal if he took some time off. Alas, Cincinnati needs him on the field and so this injury will likely linger for most of the season.

El Paso – No injuries.

Fargo – No injuries.

Knoxville – No injuries.

Little Rock – No injuries.

Los Angeles – No injuries.

Milwaukee – No injuries.

Portland – No injuries.

San Antonio – No injuries.


I had also forgotten to mention the trade deadline before (even though I know in-season trades are usually few and far between). Trades may be conducted and consumated until the first reports of week 4's games (which will probably be a decent ways away).

[Coffee Warlord]

We in Portland would like to apologize for the loss...to Little Rock.

God, what have I done. Next year, get here!

[The Afoci]

Fargo would like to thank all the people that made this victory possible. And the devil for accepting the soul of El Poopiehead in exchange for a single victory.

[JAG]

I think the devil could've held out for an overtime loss.

[JAG]

The computer is getting packed up tomorrow and the journey to Minnesota will begin. Internet access will be pretty spotty for at least a week. I will have all the ZFL files with me, so I will attempt to put Week 2's games together, but I can't guarantee anything. Just in case I'm not around, happy holidays to you all. Once I'm set up in MN, things should go back to (relative) normality for the ZFL.

[sachmo71]

Happy holidays to you too, JAG! Good luck with the move, and watch out for the piles of snow.

Speaking for myself, I wouldn't worry about the ZFL just now. Get yourself settled first.

[JAG]

Hey all. A pretty eventful trip, including three days in Ohio without power (a couple without phone service), rain, freezing rain, sleet, snow, fog, and 1000+ miles of driving have come to a successful conclusion. Now there's just the small matter of some unpacking and finding a job...but in between that, I'll be working on getting things with the ZFL resumed. Glad to be out here and glad to be returning to some semblance of a normal life.

[DolphinFan1]

Welcome back Jag and belated Merry Christmas.

[JeeberD]

ZFL! ZFL! ZFL!

[revrew]

In the ZFL down time, hop on over to my High School Challenge dynasty (see my sig line below) and give me some feedback. Thanks for your support; we'll leave a light on for ya.

[Swaggs]

I believe it is time to just declare Little Rock the champions and move on to the next draft.

[JeeberD]

ZFL?

[JAG]

Week 2

The champs looked to keep things rolling against an Eagles team they stymied last season. However, the Eagles dropped 35 points on LA in this season’s opening week and showed more offensive balance than they had in years. Could they be the team to solve the Margarita defense?

Alas for Chicago, no one will mistake the depleted Stars defense with that of San Antonio. The Chicago running game was foiled by the outstanding play of MLB Ray Lewis and the combined effort of DT’s Sack U and Aragorn each taking turns teeing off on OG Mark Sheet. The Eagles’ passing game actually faired much better than their vaunted wrecking ball attack, with rookie WR Joel Tidwell having a good day against fellow rookie CB Twenty Mike-Mike, but they were unable to come up with any big plays or have success around the end zone. San Antonio had no such problems on offense, with FB Teeny and RB Mutt gashing Chicago for 230 yards rushing and 3 TD’s while QB Dip Dipperson tossed a TD pass to WR Finlandia the Chilly to give the Margaritas their second shutout victory to begin the season in a 28-0 dismantling of Chicago.

******

The Fighting Crawfish, fresh off their first victory in almost two seasons, had a big test of their revamped defense against the other team coming off an overtime victory in week 1, the Knoxville Rednecks.

And learned they still have a ways to go to challenge the likes of Knoxville’s offense.

Thumbless Jackson had a fine day, passing for 290 yards and 3 TD’s against Fargo’s overmatched secondary. OLB The Jesus made a lot of plays in the running game on the edges, so Knoxville switched to pounding the ball up the gut behind OG Fort Sumter Jackson. The plan paid dividends as Leon Jackson topped the 100 yard mark with 113 yards rushing and he and FB Jarret Jackson each scored a TD on the ground.

Fargo had themselves a fine day offensively against the soft ‘Neck defense, totaling 384 yards of offense. RB Glutton for Punishment ran through huge holes opened by his outstanding blockers FB Ty Wick and The Ordinary Guys OG Ray and OT Charlie, and finished with 173 yards and 3 TD’s. In fact, this game could’ve very well gone into overtime had it not been for two horrible interceptions (think Neil O’Donnell in Super Bowl XXX) thrown by QB El Poopiehead near the end zone (credit CB Deion Jackson for both picks). Losing those potential 14 points turned out to be the difference in the game, as Knoxville ran their record to 2-0 with a 35-21 victory.

******

El Paso didn’t catch much of a break in the early schedule of this season, playing two teams that finished with a combined two losses last year. Nevertheless, they were facing an Albuquerque team that was coming off an inexplicable loss to the Fighting Crawfish and hoping they would be ripe for another loss.

This game turned out to be a great struggle between two teams desperately trying for an early-season win. El Paso’s QB Dan McGwire led an inspired opening drive going 5 for 5 for 70 yards and a TD, but former MVP QB Moe Sizzlack had the answer, leading the Isotopes on an answering drive going 76 yards in 6 plays, including a 14 yard TD pass to WR The Cheat where Sizzlack had about 10 full seconds to let the play develop due to the lack of any pass rush from the Busters. El Paso could only go back to the pass sparingly for much of the remainder of the game as S Troy McClure and CB James L. Brooks tightened up their coverage, but the ground game feasted on the weak tackling of the ‘Tope linebackers. RB Blair Thomas benefited from FB Rashaan Salaam’s great lead blocking and churned out 130 yards and 2 TD’s. Salaam only had two carries, but one of them went for 32 yards and a TD as he broke three tackles on his way to the end zone. Albuquerque was able to find good running room behind their tackles while El Paso’s mediocre defensive line didn’t give their premier LB’s Brian Bosworth and rookie Eric Kumerow much opportunity to make plays in the running game. RB Guy Incognito and FB Drederick Tatum were able to combine for 140 yards rushing and 2 TD’s against the Busters. Sizzlack and McGwire each tossed another TD and the score was 35-28 in favor of El Paso late in the fourth quarter.

Sizzlack had one more opportunity to tie the game and allow K Sir Gary Coleman an opportunity to atone for last week’s loss. A combination of an Incognito 23 yard run and a deep 25 yard sideline pattern to Quagmire put the Isotopes 30 yards from paydirt with a minute remaining. El Paso decided to throw a changeup at Albuquerque. For the first time in the game, they decided to throw Bosworth up the gut at Sizzlack instead of putting him in coverage. Unfortunately for Albuquerque, their offensive line’s strength is not at guard. Bosworth timed his blitz perfectly and blew past the guards. FB Drederick Tatum was a hair slow in sliding over and Bosworth blasted Sizzlack, separating him from the ball. In the scrum that followed, Buster DT Dan ‘Little Sister’ Wilkenson was able to come up with the ball and preserve the win for El Paso 35-28. A surprising 0-2 start this season for the Isotopes with losses to former doormats Fargo and El Paso doesn’t bode well for them.

(second half of Week 2 will be forthcoming)

[JeeberD]

Woot! Down go the 'Topes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[digamma]

Go Necks.

[JAG]

Week 2 Cont.

******

Two of the top three defensive squads in the league (excepting San Antonio) squared off in a tough week 2 battle between the Muscle Men and the Olympians. The Olympians have added a little punch to their offense this year with the addition of FB Thor, who led them to an opening day victory. Milwaukee was coming off a disappointing loss against Knoxville where they actually managed 28 points of offense.

The game was about as physical as you’ll ever see a ZFL game. Milwaukee greatly struggled to move the ball on offense. Their running backs had to constantly deal with the Olympian defensive linemen blowing past their weak offensive line. Even when FB Bulldozer was able to keep DT Hera or Cyclopes off of RB Ricky Williams, MLB Excaliber or OLB Aristotle was there to keep the gains minimal. Passing was even more of a disaster as DE’s Atlantis (3 sacks) and Another Atlantis (4 sacks) put huge pressure on QB Dan Marino Jr. By putting up a lousy 160 yards of total offense, the Muscle Men were constantly giving the Olympians great field position and putting a strain on their defense.

But they needn’t have worried. Thor got an introduction to what ZFL defense is all about, facing one of the league’s most tenacious tacklers in OLB Superman. The Olympian offensive line did a reasonable job, but MLB Zach Thomas and Superman refused to give up any big gains. Thor finished with a respectable 24 carries for 88 yards, but most importantly had gains of –1, -1, and –2 the one time the Olympians were within the Milwaukee 5 yard line. QB Zeus Reloaded struggled badly with off-target throws and his receivers didn’t help much by getting little separation (credit CB Patrick Surtain for doing a fantastic job against WR Arnold Schwartzeneggar and Brock Marion for not allowing newcomer WR Khan Ogadai much room to operate). No team was able to squeeze a single point out of their opponent and the game remained tied at 0 at the end of regulation. Bring on the kickers!

K Uranus has had an up-and-down career with the Olympians, with his lowest point probably coming last year when he was attacked by an elephant in a losing effort. Milwaukee’s kicker Bruce “I’ll kick your butt!” Handily needed no introduction, but had to be wondering what the reaction would be from the Milwaukee faithful if he were to lose a second consecutive overtime contest.

The contest for this game looked as if the ZFL was making a play for corporate sponsorship. Each kicker would hoist a quarter keg of frosty, refreshing brew the length of the football field. At the end zone, each kicker would drink as much as possible for a full minute, before running to the far end zone and repeating the process. Points were to be given out for quantity of beer consumed, distance, and time needed to go distance traveled.

With Handily having played in Milwaukee his entire career, this was, needless to say, a redemption game for him. By the time Uranus had collapsed on the 20 yard line, Handily had already lapped him twice and was still going strong. In fact, he took a victory lap and the referees actually had to wrestle the keg away from him before he took his bow to the crowd. Milwaukee upsets a preseason favorite and gets their first win of the season by the score of 3-0.

******

The Slick Willies brought their potent offense to LA to clash with the Stars in a competition between teams headed in opposite directions. The Stars have already admitted they are essentially rebuilding for the future, while Little Rock came into the season harboring title aspirations behind their rising offense.

The Stars came out running the ball with great effectiveness, following a strategy similar to Portland last week. Their offensive line and the shifty moves of RB Rodney Dangerfield let to him scoring three times and rushing for 140 yards. But when the down and distance required throwing, LA struggled mightily. Truth be told, OT Freddie Prinze Jr. did a great job stonewalling DE L.L. JeeberD, but with the coverage downfield by S Red Herring (holding WR Ashton Kucher to 5 catches for 48 yards) and CB Tommy “TNT” Toothpick meant QB Bernie Mac had nowhere to go with the ball on those rare occasions where he might’ve been accurate enough to hit a receiver. A very drab day for LA’s passing attack.

But you weren’t out of luck if you came to this game expecting to see some aerial fireworks. QB Johnny Rotten was superb today in completing 80% of his passes against a defense that couldn’t mount any type of a pass rush or cover WR Bruce Spinner, who caught 2 TD passes amid a career high 14 catches for 183 yards in cooking CB Kevin Bacon (some kudos to veteran S Ray Liotta, who held rookie speedster WR Little Mark Marmel to just one catch, although it was a 55 yard TD). MLB Brad Pitt was more of a presence in the running game in preventing RB Rajah Saleem from breaking any big runs, but Saleem nickel-and-dimed the Star defense all day in gaining 124 yards on 30 carries and scoring three TD’s. Another big point outburst for Little Rock in winning 42-21, and they are off to their first 2-0 start in franchise history with a fun QB duel between Rotten and Dan McGwire on tap in week 3.

******

In our final game of week 2, two teams authoring the biggest trade of the offseason (Cincinnati and Portland) met in Colonel Joseph C. McCormick III’s return to Portland. All week long, McCormick had been stoking the fires of the Chap defense, urging them to help him get some revenge on his old team (he wisely neglected to tell them that the revenge was being shipped from the former ZFL champs to the wasteland of the ZFL).

The game started off very badly for Cincinnati. On their second offensive play of the game, RB Jerry Seinfeld got stripped of the ball by DT Captain Bipto who was able to cover for Portland, giving them a short field to work with. On the next play, QB Paddy O’Leary went for it all and found a horrible mismatch of WR Manfred von Richthofen on CB The Blacksmith. Easy 20 yard TD strike for Portland as they took a 7 point lead. Cincinnati wasn’t able to get anything going running the ball as they had no answer to Captain Bipto crashing through the middle of their line. Meanwhile, Portland had little problem moving the ball on the ground, with OG Erik Flamebeard of the Neither Her Nor There manhandling McCormick. At the half, RB Lothar Dirtpounder already had 80 yards and two TD’s, and Portland led 21-0.

In the second half, everything changed. Cincinnati starting shifting players around on defense, hoping to confuse Paddy O, while using OLB What’s Her Face in the center of the line for extra run support. That, combined with DE The Ugly One having a great half (2 sacks, numerous pressures, 1 fumble recovery) working against Fargo import OT Stud stalled a number of Portland drives. On offense, Cincinnati didn’t even attempt a run in the second half, turning to the arm of QB Mr. Shmallow to salvage something of the game. While star receiver Senor Cardgage was well-blanketed by Pro Bowler CB Master Hu Li, Portland really missed S Black Mage as Dust Puppy was torched by WR Population: Tire repeatedly. It didn’t help that Dust Puppy sprained an ankle early in the third, hurting his acceleration. Slowly Cincinnati crawled back in the game. 21-7 towards the end of the third quarter. 21-14 at the start of the fourth. The Sea Biscuits could not seem to mount a strong enough rush to get to Mr. Shmallow (rookie OT The Jorb did a fine job of keeping DE Dr. Hans Schlotnik at bay). On what would be his final drive of the game, Mr. Shmallow went 5 for 5, including a pretty crossing route that left Cardgage on Dust Puppy, leading to a 35-yard catch and run to the end zone to tie the game at 21. Portland had one more chance to tie the game, but on a 4th and 2, they uncharacteristically could not convert a short run, when an off-tackle run was flushed inside by Strong Mad…right into the arms of McCormick who had actually beaten Erik Flamebeard on the play. The Colonel glared over at the Portland bench as time expired. Bring on the kickers!

Portland K Juan "Voodoo" Jalisco had a reputation coming into the league as one of the most talented kickers who had ever come out for the draft, and this reputation has been enhanced by continual touting of Jalisco by GM Coffee Warlord as the ‘best kicker to never enter a game’. Cincinnati kicker Thikkaman has not been touted at all, but quietly had a good offseason for the Chaps.

Apparently, someone at ZFL headquarters got a little mixed up, as the football overtime turned into a European football overtime. The contest today featured a penalty kick contest with each kicker taking turns playing the part of goalkeeper and penalty-taker, best of five. As the goal posts were set up for the contest, Jalisco wowed the crowd with some fancy volleying as Thikkaman looked on nervously.

With Thikkaman in goal, Jalisco stepped up and crushed a shot to the upper right corner that Thikkaman didn’t have a prayer to get. 1-0 Jalisco.

Thikkaman retaliated with a kick up the middle that caught Jalisco diving to his right. 1 all.

Jalisco tried another shot at the upper corner but was unlucky with it hitting off the crossbar and deflecting harmlessly away. Still 1-1.

Thikkaman made it 2-1 with a blast to the lower left corner.

The two kickers each hit strong shots to the right corner to make it 3-2.

On his fourth shot, Jalisco took aim at the upper right corner again but didn’t get a good lift on it and Thikkaman was actually able to block the shot. If Thikkaman could make the next shot, Cincinnati would pull off the upset.

But in true Cincinnati style, Thikkaman hit the ball far wide of the goal to keep the contest going.

Jalisco, relieved, decided to keep the ball on the ground this time. For his fifth and possibly final shot, he pulled a pretty fake and sent the ball to the lower right corner. Thikkaman actually guessed correctly and dove, but the ball was just out of reach.

Unfortunately for Jalisco, it was also out of reach of the goal. The ball bounced harmlessly off the post and dashed away Portland’s chance at a victory. A stunning 24-21 Cincinnati win gives the Chaps more hope than they've had in any prior season. Portland can at least look forward to the next draft...

Standings after week 2:

SA 2-0 (0)
LR 2-0 (42)
KX 2-0 (49)
BH 1-1 (10)
MW 1-1 (31)
CN 1-1 (49)
CH 1-1 (56)
EP 1-1 (56)
FG 1-1 (63)
AQ 0-2 (66)
PT 0-2 (66)
LA 0-2 (77)

[revrew]

How the mighty Star Crunch has fallen. Woe is our D.

Ahh, they're young. LA may be the bottom of the heap this year, but keep an eye on your rear-view mirror, boys...we'll be coming up fast in a couple seasons!

[digamma]

The Knoxville mayor is at it again...

KNOXVILLE, TN--Knoxville Mayor Jackie "Two Jacks" Jackson stunned Knoxvillains Tuesday by challenging the city of Birmingham to a "Loser leaves town" bet in the upcoming ZFL game between the Knoxville Rednecks and the Birmingham Olympians.

"The deep South ain't big enough for two ZFL teams," Two Jacks said to a shocked audience made up mostly of kin folks. "It's time to find out which of these teams belongs in Dixie.

"If the mayor of Birmin'ham has any ba...err...intestinal fortitude, he won't mind putting his city's honor on the line. In the name of Robert E. Lee, here is my challenge. The loser of this game has to, effective at the end of this season, pack up and head north of the Mason-Dixon line.

"We're going to expose the 'lympians for the yankees they are."

Two Jacks dismissed questions regarding San Antonio and El Paso and their southern locations. "Hale, Texas was its own country before it was part of the 'Federacy. As far as I'm concerned they can keep on bein' on their own. Besides, they drunk and jumpin' in that river in San Antonio. And it wouldn't even be a fair fight with El Paso."

Two Jacks also noted that anywhere south of Tampa, Florida would also count as "north of the Mason-Dixon line" for purposes of fulfilling the terms of the bet.

***

So, what say you Birmingham?

And, is this legal under the ZFL constitution?

[DolphinFan1]

Now that's more like it.

[JAG]

Originally Posted by digamma

And, is this legal under the ZFL constitution?

Absolutely. There is precedent for teams relocating (The Fighting Crawfish were originally based in Omaha). But remember, if Knoxville loses, that's a whole lotta Jacksons that are gonna have to move.

[digamma]

Originally Posted by JAG

Absolutely. There is precedent for teams relocating (The Fighting Crawfish were originally based in Omaha). But remember, if Knoxville loses, that's a whole lotta Jacksons that are gonna have to move.

Oh the Necks and the Jacksons (maybe one and the same) are well aware of their risks.

[JeeberD]

What a win for the Chaps!

[Swaggs]

Wow... Birmingham got called out.

[JAG]

Injury Report – Week 2


Albuquerque – No injuries.

Birmingham – No injuries.

Chicago – FB Josh Hackenstein continued to rehab his hamstring as best he could, but it hadn't responded as team doctors had hoped. He's likely still looking at another couple of weeks before reaching full strength, during which time the usual Chicago wrecking ball won't quite have the same juice.

Cincinnati – No new news on the groin injury to OG So and So. He's still looking at an injury that will stay with him the entire year.

El Paso – No injuries.

Fargo – No injuries.

Knoxville – No injuries.

Little Rock – No injuries.

Los Angeles – No injuries.

Milwaukee – No injuries.

Portland – The ankle sprain of S Dust Puppy was not the high ankle sprain originally feared, but it will still take a couple of weeks before he can properly push off his right foot. This could wreak havoc with Portland's secondary, as he was already a liability in coverage before the injury.

San Antonio – No injuries.

[revrew]

digamma - we'll just call you the Emeril of the ZFL. Bam! Kick it up a notch. Very nice. Whaddya say, Olympians?

[digamma]

Originally Posted by revrew

digamma - we'll just call you the Emeril of the ZFL. Bam! Kick it up a notch. Very nice. Whaddya say, Olympians?

I was just trying to steal some thunder from the San Antonio-Milwaukee game.

[tucker342]

da city o Birmingham an da Olympians accept dat dem dere offer.

[tucker342]

Did I scare everyone away?