I dare you to read this Speed Racer review by Roger Ebert!

[14ers]

Remember you must read the entire review before posting in this thread!

First I thought Ebert was dead, but he is still listed as one of the reviewers over at rotten.

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/speed_racer/

Roger Ebert
Chicago Sun-Times
Top Critic

And here is a link to his review.
http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/...115192456/1023

Speed Racer

// / May 8, 2008

By Jim Emerson, editor
Evil is not a primary color. That is the point of the Wachowski brothers' video-arcade treatment of "Speed Racer," insofar as one can be determined. Blue, you can trust. Red and yellow, black and white -- they're all decent visible wavelengths. It's purple you have to watch out for.

This is notable only because whatever information that passes from your retinas to your brain during "Speed Racer" is conveyed through optical design and not so much through more traditional devices such as dialogue, narrative, performance or characterization. Like the animated TV series that inspired this movie, you could look at it with the sound off and it wouldn't matter.

"Speed Racer" is not a feature film in any conventional sense -- although there is nothing so conventional in today's marketplace as a corporate product based on a campy vintage TV show that is developed for extremely brief exhibition in multiplexes on its way to more appropriate platforms such as DVD and video games, which provide the principal justification for its manufacture in the first place.

Neither is "Speed Racer" a commercial avant-garde film (though fans of the Wachowski brothers may wish to make such claims), unless you still consider Laserium shows of Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" to be cutting edge. (Lights! Shapes! Colors! Motion! Money!) And there's nothing terribly adventurous these days about Eisensteinian montage treated as if it were William S. Burroughs' "cut up" technique -- with digital clips randomly scrambled like pixelated confetti.

Nor is it some kind of subversive commodity, unless the outré strategy of pandering to a low-brow, retro-nostalgic crowd can be considered anything but business as usual in 2008. The faux naivete on display here -- right down to the imitation-fruit-flavored FDA-food-dye coloring -- is both shamelessly quaint and shamelessly cynical.

For a certain generation of American kids, "Speed Racer" was our introduction to the lo-fi animated form now known as "anime." At the time, we just thought it was cheapo Japanese animation: flat, static, dubbed into badly translated English and barely "animated" at all, given that the frame only seemed to change approximately two times per second and the "moving" backgrounds were made up of about four cyclically repeating drawings instead of the eight or so we were used to seeing in Hanna-Barbera cartoons. The faster Speed went, the slower the sequence of backgrounds. Wow.

To us, this show was just filler between after-school reruns of "Gilligan's Island" and "The Munsters." We watched it because it was on, and it was in color.

Now the Wachowski brothers (of the "Matrix" movies) have spent $100 million on a mixture of photography and digital animation and called it "Speed Racer." They have captured (almost) all the chintziness, inexpressiveness and incoherence of the TV show in two hours and nine minutes, or about two hours too long, give or take. Yet some of us would just rather re-rent "Tron" (1982), which was not only a more immersive, dimensional and original take on the Commodore 64 video-graphics aesthetic, but also funnier and more exciting.

The live-action components of "Speed Racer" include Speed himself (Emile Hirsch, consigned to anonymity again after a breakout performance in "Into the Wild"), who lives with his Mom (Susan Sarandon), Pops (John Goodman), mischievous little brother Spritle (Paulie Litt), pet chimp Chim-Chim (Kenzie and Willy) -- as well as, apparently, his mechanic Sparky (Kick Gurry) and his gal-pal Trixie (Christina Ricci). They all love Mom's pancakes.

Speed once idolized his big brother Rex Racer (Scott Porter), who died in a fiery car crash as idolized big brothers named "Racer" will sometimes do. Rich, evil, purple-clad industrialist Mr. Royalton (Roger Allam, as Tim Curry) woos Speed with a lucrative offer, but when the hotshot turns it down in favor of sticking with Pops, Royalton threatens to destroy all Racers. Fortunately, the mysterious Racer X (Matthew Fox, displaying fewer emotions than Jack on "Lost") zips in to help out.

As an elementary schooler, Speed is afflicted with foot-tapping hyperactivity and ADD, and so is the movie. A lot of fluorescent, 7-Eleven-tinted images flash by, any of which could easily be removed or re-arranged without significantly disrupting the film's continuity, because it has none. If you can determine the spatial relationship between Speed's Mach 5 (or Mach 6) and any other race car for more than a few consecutive seconds, then good for you. As on the TV series, the pictures don't seem to move so much as repeat -- movement with no momentum. Transitions are handled with wipes in which large closeups pass from one side of the screen to the other without ever getting anyone anywhere.

If non-pixel illumination was used in the (mostly green-screen) shooting of the movie at all, it appears to have been black light, which gives everything a phosphorescent, psychedelic-poster sheen. At various times, the visuals resemble "Blade Runner" reinterpreted by Roger Dean (of Yes album cover fame), "The Jetsons" rendered by Maxfield Parrish, or a bag of Skittles designed by Shag.

"Speed Racer" is a manufactured widget, a packaged commodity that capitalizes on an anthropomorphized cartoon of Capitalist Evil in order to sell itself and its ancillary products. Corporate partners in the venture include General Mills, McDonald's, Mattel, Topps, LEGO and Target, who have furnished no promotional consideration for mention in this review.

I'll admit it took me a couple of times reading this review to make it all the way through, and I still don't understand a few parts in this review. What the hell does "the outré strategy" or "The faux naivete" mean? Is this english?

I used to like watching "At the Movies" with Siskel and Ebert. Ebert even seamed to enjoy the same Action movies that I liked. But, where the hell did they "Dig" this guy up from to write Roger Ebert reviews?

[Raiders Army]

I just wait for the thumbs up or thumbs down.

[sachmo71]

First seven minutes of the film:
http://geeksofdoom.com/2008/05/09/wa...f-speed-racer/

[Passacaglia]

Siskel is the one that is dead. Star sighting -- lurker saw him on the same street as our last apartment, talk to the mailman, and walk into a house. I guess he had a place on our street, but it probably wasn't his only one, and we never saw him again, so she could be lying through her teeth.

[Passacaglia]

Anyway, if you want pure randomness and wtf? in a Roger Ebert review, check out his review of Gigli.

[ISiddiqui]

How does one not know what "faux naivete" means? Isn't it obvious? "the outré strategy", I can understand drawing a blank on.

[14ers]

Originally Posted by sachmo71

First seven minutes of the film:
http://geeksofdoom.com/2008/05/09/wa...f-speed-racer/

Wow, that looks like it would be amazing in an Imax theater.

[Honolulu_Blue]

Originally Posted by Passacaglia

Siskel is the one that is dead. Star sighting -- lurker saw him on the same street as our last apartment, talk to the mailman, and walk into a house. I guess he had a place on our street, but it probably wasn't his only one, and we never saw him again, so she could be lying through her teeth.

I knew Siskel's nephew. That's all I got.

This review is pretty straight forward.

The phrases "outré strategy" and "faux naivete" aren't that high-brow. If you don't understand them, look them up.

Ebert isn't dead, but he's pretty sick if I recall. I don't think he can talk or something.

[Subby]

Originally Posted by 14ers

I'll admit it took me a couple of times reading this review to make it all the way through, and I still don't understand a few parts in this review. What the hell does "the outré strategy" or "The faux naivete" mean? Is this english?

I used to like watching "At the Movies" with Siskel and Ebert. Ebert even seamed to enjoy the same Action movies that I liked. But, where the hell did they "Dig" this guy up from to write Roger Ebert reviews?

Stick to television shows, kid.

[larrymcg421]

This isn't a Roger Ebert review. It's written by Jim Emerson, the editor of Ebert's website, who has been writing reviews in Roger's place while he's recovering. He definitely has a much different style than Roger.

[Pumpy Tudors]

Originally Posted by 14ers

What the hell does "the outré strategy" or "The faux naivete" mean? Is this english?

Not completely, no.

[wishbone]

Couldn't he have saved everyone some time and said it sucks? I can tell just by the title...

[Buccaneer]

But not as poetical as the Wall Street Journal

"This toxic admixture of computer-generated frenzy and live-action torpor succeeds in being, almost simultaneously, genuinely painful -- the esthetic equivalent of needles in eyeballs -- and weirdly benumbing, like eye candy laced with lidocaine."

[Izulde]

I really should be a film reviewer.

[timmynausea]

I like Ebert. His actual reviews are way better than this.

[Buccaneer]

Read that this movie could be one of the biggest busts of all time. Apparently it costs about $300m to make and market.

[Fidatelo]

So this will be the new Waterworld?

[DanGarion]

The cartoon was crap, and the movie looks like crap.

[Chief Rum]

Originally Posted by dangarion

The cartoon was crap, and the movie looks like crap.

Ditto. Never understood why this movie was even being made, or why anyone was excited to see it.

[Cringer]

Originally Posted by sachmo71

First seven minutes of the film:
http://geeksofdoom.com/2008/05/09/wa...f-speed-racer/

That would be cool on shrooms I bet.

[korme]

It was not written by Ebert. lol.

[korme]

And I just read the review and I'd have to say that is about what I expected.

[Marc Vaughan]

The movie will be crap .... my youngest son will insist on seeing it though which means I'll endure it as will thousands of other parents around the globe ...

[KWhit]

That review isn't poorly written at all. It's trying a little bit too hard, but I think it perfectly conveys what the reviewer thought of the movie. Mission Accomplished.

[fantom1979]

Originally Posted by Fidatelo

So this will be the new Waterworld?

Battlefield Earth was a much bigger bust

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of..._office_bombs#

[Marc Vaughan]

Of the films listed I liked:

Stormbreaker
Arthur and the Invisibles
The Black Cauldron
.. actually there are a fair few there I liked

More surprisingly to me there are a fair few big budget movies I'd never even heard of particularly:
The adventures of pluto nash
An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn
(anyone actually seen these)

[korme]

of those bombs I liked

All the King's Men
Black Dahlia
Boondock Saints (has reached cult status)
Grindhouse
Lions for Lambs
Zodiac

[sachmo71]

Originally Posted by dangarion

The cartoon was crap, and the movie looks like crap.

I disagree with this.

The animation doesn't hold up now, but at the time, the beauty was in the uniqueness. People got killed. There was family tension and failure. A kid and a monkey wore the same clothes.

The "plots" were like nothing in the animated genre in America at the time. And, for an entire generation of American children, a great big questionmark formed over everyone's heads, translated as "WTF is wrong with the Japanese?"

[14ers]

Originally Posted by fantom1979

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of..._office_bombs#

I would like to challenge Wiki.

I liked Bicentennial Man and would like to challenge its flop status.

The reason I am challenging Wiki is according to boxofficemojo Bicentennial Man made$8,234,926 in it's opening weekend. And,$87,423,861 lifetime. You add PPV, DVD, and TV sales and I would think Bicentennnial Man is probably in the Black by now.



Looks like Wiki has a screw loose in its figures. I wonder how much money Titanic lost according to Wiki.

[Pumpy Tudors]

Originally Posted by 14ers

The reason I am challenging Wiki is according to boxofficemojo Bicentennial Man made$8,234,926 in it'sopening weekend. And,$87,423,861 lifetime. You add PPV, DVD, and TV sales and I would think Bicentennnial Man is probably in the Black by now.

that why wiki is broke

[Maple Leafs]

Originally Posted by 14ers

You add PPV, DVD, and TV sales and I would think Bicentennnial Man is probably in the Black by now.

I've heard this actually ends up being true of just about every "bomb".

[rkmsuf]

Originally Posted by Maple Leafs

I've heard this actually ends up being true of just about every "bomb".

So the Adventures of Pluto Nash should in the black by about the year 2230 then.

[Abe Sargent]

Just another reason why Ebert is the only movie reviewer I've ever cared to read.

[Maple Leafs]

Originally Posted by Marc Vaughan

An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn

I know about this movie because I was working in a video store when it was released. It had Eric Idle in it, among a few others. Maybe even Coolio?

There was a tradition in Hollywood of director's who didn't like the final cut of a movie and didnt want their name on it to release the film as an "Alan Smithee" creation. Smithee was a made-up name, and if you saw it on a film you knew it was going to be a bad one. Ironically, this film (meant to be a sendup of bad movies) was itself so bad that the director had his name taken off, so it actually became a Smithee film. I think it ended up being the last one, because Hollywood stopped using the name in part thanks to this movie ruining the joke.

[Abe Sargent]

Originally Posted by larrymcg421

This isn't a Roger Ebert review. It's written by Jim Emerson, the editor of Ebert's website, who has been writing reviews in Roger's place while he's recovering. He definitely has a much different style than Roger.

Roger signs off on them thought, and Roger is more combative. Read his review of Rob Schneiders American Gigolo 2 I ebelive, for a classic example.

[cthomer5000]

Originally Posted by korme

of those bombs I liked

Black Dahlia

If there is a hell, you are going there.

[cthomer5000]

I haven't watched the show in about 6 months...but i loved Ebert & Roeper..even in the guest host phase. Roper would absolutely RIP movies sometimes (check out his review of 'Just My Luck') in a way that Ebert rarely would on-screen.

For a good laugh, read Ebert's print review of Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever

[EagleFan]

Wow, I think that I have only seen Showgirls in that list of bombs. I may have seen Howard the Duck but I really can't remember.

[kingnebwsu]

What Happens In Vegas was a fun watch on Ebert & Roeper a few weeks ago. It was coming on and I was like "they're gonna rip this to shreds." They did & I smiled

[korme]

Originally Posted by cthomer5000

If there is a hell, you are going there.

LOL, I haven't seen it since it came out but I remember leaving the theatre and my buddy was convinced I was wearing De Palma shaded glasses.