Let's hear some funny real-life stories

[WSUCougar]

Okay…what with Iraq, the resultant flame-wars, Eminem winning an Oscar, the Hattrick plague (just kidding!), etc., it’s become FAR too serious around here lately.

It’s time for some funny real-life stories.

Let’s have some laughs. Post something funny that really happened to you. Don’t make stuff up – I want to hear some real-life yuks. It doesn’t have to be award-winning material. Anything will do. Throw it out there.

Here’s one to start:

When my wife and I lived on the Outer Banks of North Carolina, we had a house that backed on the Atlantic Ocean (yeah, it was rough I know). About the only problem with the house was it was very buggy, to the point where we were coping with some creepy-crawly thing almost every day. Well, one afternoon, my wife summoned me to bug duty – she’d seen “something big” go under the door of the hall closet. So I get the flashlight, and go into the hall closet (which was relatively dark). I’m not eager to find this “big” sucker, but a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. Just as I’m bending over to peer below the bottom shelf, with my wife looking anxiously from behind me…FOOM! FOOM! A military jet from Oceana NAS goes by and lays a sonic boom on us!

Well, my friends, let me tell you…I don’t know how far my wife jumped, but I got some good air. We both yelped in mid-air. Then we had a good chuckle at ourselves…

…and a grass-hopper emerged moments later.

[Ksyrup]

Since you brought up bugs, my family still laughs about the time my aunt, who was living in Brownsville at the time, came to visit us in Michigan. I was about 8 or 9 and my brother 5.

One day, my aunt casually calls out to us from the bathroom that there was a spider in the bathroom and could one of us come and kill it. So I head up to the bathroom (on the 2nd floor) expecting to see a daddy long legs or something that can easily be squished. She tells me that it crawled behind the shower curtain, so I throw it back to find the sucker. Turns out the f**ker had a body that was about 3 inches in diameter. And man, was it hairy. I immediately screamed like a little school girl, and when my brother, who was standing behind me, saw the thing, he ran screaming down the stairs. He happened to be holding an open bottle of Coke. And we had white carpet. Not fun for my mom.

So we call in reinforcements and my dad shows up. None of us wanted to squish it, because it would have made a hella mess, and none of us wanted to touch it, just because. So we used an entire bottle of raid, a few squirts of windex, and I even sprinkled some comet on the bastard - basically anything that we could find under the bathroom sink - to kill it.

My aunt was surprised throughout the whole ordeal, as apparently spiders that size were relatively common in Brownsville. We think it actually made the trip with her in one of her bags, because she had just opened a bag in the bathroom when she saw the thing.

If that didn't make you laugh, well... I guess you just had to be there!

[WSUCougar]

Don't worry, it made me laugh. I particularly liked the line "and I even sprinkled some comet on the bastard."

Good stuff.

[primelord]

One of the more humbling experiences in my life was playing baseball in high school. It was the first game of the season and I came up for my first at bat. The picther threw me a low inside fastball that I turned on and crushed. I knew it was gone. So I decided I was going to walk down the first baseline and admire my titanic home run. CLANG! The ball hits about halfway up the outfield wall. Realizing what giant jackass I was turned on the jets and ended up sliding safely into third.

So there I was thinking I made a major ass of myself, but atleast I got a triple out of it. Ah if only that were the case. It seems in my haste to make it to third I forgot to touch second base. The opposing team appealed and I was called out. Jackass indeed.

You would have thought I had learned my lesson, but I was determined to redeem myself. So in the bottom of that inning with two outs and a guy on second a lazy fly ball was hit out to me in left. I camped under it ready to snag the final out of the inning when I thought occured to me. I should add a little flash to this catch to make up for my bone head play earlier. So as the ball is coming in I take a huge sweeping grab at it and knocked the damn ball across the outfield. Our CF who assumed I would make the routine catch had already been running towards the dugout and was in no position to get to the ball. By the time I got to it and threw it back in both runs had scored.

Needless to say I saw ALOT of the bench over the next few weeks.

[JeeberD]

My mom and I found a turantula crawling down our wall once when we were living in El Paso. We lived on the edge of a big patch of desert and were used to seeing lots of wildlife, but it was very strange to be watching TV and then all of a sudden see this huge spider crawling down the wall. We grabbed an empty coffee can, caught it in there, and released it back into the desert. Never saw it again.

We also always used to get scorpions in the house. I can't tell you how many times my sister and brother got stung. Not me though. The closest I ever got to being stung was nearly picking up a Vinageroon at night (I thought it was a rock) and getting sprayed by its vinagery spray...

[korme]

this deserves a bump

[Travis]

Oh Prime, oh man, reading your story brings back so many practise field memories, I never would have had the balls to try and make a catch like that during a game

Shall we call you Rickeylord Henderson?

[Airhog]

One time Me and my gf were having sex. Well right as I orgasmed, I let out this giant stinky fart. We still laught over that one...

[kid_dynamite]

when i was about 7 years old i was climbing up one of those metal poles in the basement that are for support. well i got about half way up and i decided to put my feet together on the pole i pushed my butt out making a kinda triangle dealy with my body...here is a little picture, not to scale...
well my feet slipped from the pole and i came sliding in with a leg on each side of the pole and got quite a shot to the pills. funny to look back on now but it wasnt that funny then.

[Swaggs]

Airhog, that sounds like a Mallrats story.

[korme]

my cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story. He was on a plane to new mexico, when all of a sudden the hydraulics went. The plane started spinning around, going out of control. So he decides it's all over and whips it out and starts beating it right there. So all the other passengers take a cue from him and they start beating like mad. So all the passengers are beating off, plummeting to their certain doom, when all the sudden, the hydraulics kick back in and the plane rights itself. It lands safely. And everyone puts their pieces or whatever away and deboard. And nobody mentions the phenomenon to anyone else.

[astralhaze]

Careful not to step in the bullshit.

[WSUCougar]

Here's another true story. You Dads out there may especially appreciate this.

Sleep-deprived and otherwise at the end of our tethers as new parents, my wife and I were preparing to again diaper our infant son in the middle of the night. We had our table lamp on, but it was not providing enough light, so my wife points to the wall switch for the overhead light and says:

"I flop."

She then gave me a puzzled expression, and I must have looked at her like she'd lost her mind, and then we both just burst out laughing. To this day she has no idea why it came out that way.

[Airhog]

Originally posted by astralhaze
Careful not to step in the bullshit.

I hope your not referring to my story, cause it was true...

[MrBug708]

When I was 5, I cut off my sisters finger inadvertantly. She was chasing me and she decided that it would be smart to stick her finger in the door jam as I slammed the door. Needless to say, her tip was reattached. Its gonna suck when she gets married cuz it was her ring finger.


Oh well

[korme]

I know a kid who cut his finger tip off when he was like 3. It's cool, I like it.

[astralhaze]

Originally posted by Airhog
I hope your not referring to my story, cause it was true...

Nope, Shortys. Unless that happened to multiple people, it is an urban legend.

[korme]

It's from Mallrats. Sorry for the threadjack. Swaggs mentioned the movie, blame him.

[astralhaze]

ahhhhh....new it sounded familiar

[Easy Mac]

One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck up his ass, true story, he bought it at our local mall so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarrassing for my relatives and all but the next week he did again, a different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room. So I run into him a week later in the mall and he's buying another cat. So I say to him, 'Jesus, Walt what are you doing? You know you're just going to get this cat stuck up your ass.' And he said to me, 'Easy Mac? How else am I going to get the gerbil out?' My cousin was a weird guy.

[Easy Mac]

seriously though, not sure if this is a funny story, but we'll see.

I'm playing baseball, its whatever league your in when you're 14. We're playing the top team, with the top 2 home run hitters. I strike out the first one on nothing but fastballs. The next guy comes up and yells he's hitting a home run, and for me to try to blow it past him. I try, and he smacks the fuck out of it, it had to go at least 400 feet, easily a home run. But the ump calls it foul... I praise god. So I throw a curve on the next pitch, he smacks the fuck out of it, but he hit the fence for a triple. He said I got lucky, and he's hitting a home run the next time.

His friend comes up again, and I strike him out again. So the guy comes up again, and points. First pitch is low and away, and he golfs the hell out of it. This went even farther than the first "home run", but this is to dead center.

Once again, I strike out his friend, and the guy comes up again. Sure enough, first pitch is a curve, knocks another home run. As he rounds the bases, I tell him I'll strike him and his friend out the rest of the game.

I strike out his friend, and then get the count to 0-2 on the guy. Next pitch is an outside curve, and he hits an opposite field home run... maybe not funny, unless you like to laugh at my misfortune and horrible pitching.

God I miss playing real sports, not this intramural shit.

[McSweeny]

Originally posted by Easy Mac
seriously though, not sure if this is a funny story, but we'll see.

I'm playing baseball, its whatever league your in when you're 14. We're playing the top team, with the top 2 home run hitters. I strike out the first one on nothing but fastballs. The next guy comes up and yells he's hitting a home run, and for me to try to blow it past him. I try, and he smacks the fuck out of it, it had to go at least 400 feet, easily a home run. But the ump calls it foul... I praise god. So I throw a curve on the next pitch, he smacks the fuck out of it, but he hit the fence for a triple. He said I got lucky, and he's hitting a home run the next time.

His friend comes up again, and I strike him out again. So the guy comes up again, and points. First pitch is low and away, and he golfs the hell out of it. This went even farther than the first "home run", but this is to dead center.

Once again, I strike out his friend, and the guy comes up again. Sure enough, first pitch is a curve, knocks another home run. As he rounds the bases, I tell him I'll strike him and his friend out the rest of the game.

I strike out his friend, and then get the count to 0-2 on the guy. Next pitch is an outside curve, and he hits an opposite field home run... maybe not funny, unless you like to laugh at my misfortune and horrible pitching.

God I miss playing real sports, not this intramural shit.

I once gave up 6 homeruns(including 2 grandslams) in a JV game...

[AnalBumCover]

I was pitching in a pitch-to-your-own-team coed softball intramural game. I did such a good job at it that I struck out two of my own teammates. They weren't too happy about that.

Two innings later, in a separate (unrelated???) incident, another teammate smacked a line-drive....right into my face. I was knocked out for about a minute, my nose bleeding and my eyes swollen shut. I was taken to the emergency room where x-rays and MRI showed a hairline fracture down my right orbital. I returned to my friends looking like I had just survived one minute in the ring with Mike Tyson.

For 2-3 weeks, I was deathly afraid of any softballs tossed my way.

Oh yeah, and we won the game.

[Travis]

One year of my all too brief baseball career as a youth, I played on a rep team as well as house league. Our rep team was made up of basically the 'all-stars' of the house league, and competed against the other rep teams from around here.

As a pitcher, it was the first year I started throwing a curve and change up (so I was probably around 13 at the time). During a rep game, I had an 0-2 count on the cleanup hitter, so decided to unveil the big hook pitch, and low and behold the sucker worked. First curve I had thrown in a game, and this thing starts at the batter's head, he bails like he's about to be shot, and while he's diving the other way, it hooks in like a dream, catcher never even had to move his glove. Umpire yells out "STRIKE 3! YOU'RE OUT!" Poor kid on the ground looks back, trying to figure out what the hell just happened before going back to the bench. Needless to say, my game went downhill from there as our catcher couldn't stop laughing, and it's damned hard to concentrate on a target when it's constantly bobbing up and down.

Now for the funny part. Two days later in house league, my team plays my rep catcher's team. Fourth inning, he comes up to bat. His first AB I threw him nothing but fastballs, but during the second AB I couldn't stop myself from trying another hook. Low and behold, this one starts off straight for his head too. His eyes go wide, he starts to jump out of the way, but you could see the moment of clarity when he realizes just what's going on, and moves back in. Yeah, then the curveball decided not to curve, and he took that sucker right in the ear. Again, my game went out the window after that because I could not stop laughing. Neither could he, and it was only funny because he wasn't hurt, and I've now taken up enough of your time.

Thank you and good night.

[Vince]

Man oh man. Well, time to throw self esteem out the window, and unveil the greatest story I have ever contributed to this earth. I warn you, this could take a while.

Anyhow, to set the scene: It's Spring Break, or close enough to it, 2000. I'm a freshman in college at Santa Barbara, living in the largest Freshman dorms off campus. Two towers, 10 floors each, approximately 60 kids to a floor. I'm on the 8th Floor of the North Tower (hence the name 8 North for my basketball team, for those of you who followed our intramural playoff run). At this point, I don't have my car down south, because I didn't think I'd need it. As such, I'm getting a ride home from one of my friends heading back up to the Bay Area, but she doesn't leave until Saturday. I finish finals around Thursday, so I'm just kickin' it on Friday, waiting around. This is how it started...

Oh, and before I forget: At this point in my life, I have never drank a drop of alcohol before. Not a DROP. This is definitely a key factor to the story.

We decide as a group (a bunch of the kids on my floor) to go hiking. We go hiking, and it's a bunch of fun. Anyhow, we get to the top, around 6:00 or so, and it's starting to get dark. We decide, in a brilliant move, to jog down the trail. I, of course, with my competitive nature, decide that I need to be the first down the hill. So I'm cruising along, no problem, when I don't notice this root, and down I go. Sprained the living crap out of my ankle. So my friends get down there and help carry me to the car, because I sure as hell ain't walking on the ankle.

We drive back to the dorms, and I start looking for my Advil. I'm the kid whose mom bought me everything under the sun in Costco size packages: Economy size. As such, my Advil was passed around the floor pretty much always. Well, I can't find the Advil. At this point, I've gotten some crutches from my RA, and I'm scooting around the floor on those. I'm hobbling up and down the floor, asking people if they've seen my Advil. Enter Geoff Boyd, a rower buddy of mine who lived on the floor. "C'mere Vince, I've got a painkiller for you." So I follow him into his room.

Once there, Geoff proceeds to pour me a double-shot of Vodka. Now, I've never drank anything before, and that shot was a little daunting. But at this point, the pain is enormous, and I think, what the hell. I knock it back. (Shot Count: 2) Immediately upon finishing it, I look up at Geoff, and say "That wasn't so bad...pour me another one!" He lines it up, I knock it back, and that's two more shots of Vodka (Shot Count: 4). Geoff decides that that one wasn't so bad either, and sets me up with another one. I, brilliant as ever, go for it (Shot Count: 6). In an amazing display of intelligence, over the course of 15 minutes, I proceed to have 5 double shots of Vodka (Shot Count: 10!!!).

Well, at this point, I'm not feeling anything yet, so my roommate, John S. (also the best player on our IM Basketball team), gives me a 24 ounce beer, and I start drinking that. Geoff and company set me up on his bed, and we start watching Office Space. At this point, word on the floor has gotten out that I am drinking. And since I don't drink, this is an event. Soon, everyone has poured into Geoff's room to "watch Office Space." Well, I finish the 24 ounce beer no problem, but now I'm starting to feel it. Things are a little bit blurry, the bed doesn't seem to want to sit still. It's now been about 30 minutes since I took my first shot. I put the beer can down, and ever vigilant John provides me with another. I start drinking it, but very slowly.

This is the point at which I start not remembering.

My version of events:
One moment I'm sitting on the bed (which isn't behaving, and making it difficult to sit on), the next moment, I'm standing at Geoff's sink, spitting into it.

Blink.

Now I'm being escorted out the door of Geoff's room on my crutches, and someone is giving me five, and congratulating me.

Blink.

Now I wake up in my bed in my boxers and a t-shirt, and it's 10 o'clock the next morning. I walk up the hall, groggy as hell, and everyone who sees me breaks into a HUGE shit-eating grin. What the hell?

Now, what happened in the interim is the heart of the story. I'm afraid I have to recreate this from my friends' versions, because I don't remember a damn thing.

Back to Geoff's room and Office Space...right after I started to black out, I threw up on Geoff's bed. That's why I was at the sink; I was just a little late in getting there. After they were fairly certain nothing else was coming up, they decided to escort me to my room...some of my (retarded) friends were congratulating me on getting drunk for the first time as I walked out the door. Well, they take me back to my room, hoping to put me in bed so that I'll sleep it off. But no, I'm not having any of that.

I decide I don't want to go to bed, and "escape" my captors and start running around the hall on my crutches, trying to get away from people that want to put me to bed. Apparently I did a pretty good job, because they didn't catch me for a good ten or fifteen minutes. Anyhow, to prevent any further mishaps, they decided to strip me of my pants and crutches in an effort to keep me in my room. So now I was sitting on my bed in my boxers and a t-shirt. Two of my friends, Jen and John H. (different from the Basketball player, his nickname is Baseball John), are keeping me company and out of mischief.

Now, this is where the story gets diabolical. The remainder of the story is rated NC-17, so don't say I didn't warn you. My friends, after I woke up and grilled them, explained it to me this way...

After they put me in my room, in nothing but boxers and a t-shirt, I thought it would be a good idea to be an exhibitionist. Boxers being a very miniscule protection, I was "showing off" for anyone who wanted to see. Even my friend Mike and his digital camera. The fun part of this is, at Francisco Torres, the dorm we lived at, they provided us with a high speed internet connection. When you combine a high speed internet connection, a digital camera, a very drunk Vince, and an unscrupulous neighbor, you end up with very very bad pictures on the network, which were therefore also on the internet. Needless to say, we had words the next day and the picture was removed. However, for one night, my little buddy got his 15 minutes of fame. Not fun.

Anyhow, that's the story they told me...but wait, there's more! After much debate about the story, the truth comes out. It seems that I was not voluntarily exposing myself to those who were interested in seeing. Rather, the boxers I was wearing noticably lacked a button in the front, and the way I was sitting allowed easy view for those who put a little effort in. In my drunken state, I did not notice, and none of my friends decided to tell me. Jen, however, decided to not only tell everyone else, but to show them, and thus Mike and the Digital Camera entered the picture. At some point, after a few minutes of this going down, someone decided to tell me what was going on, and we fixed it, and the show ended. However, that still was not the end of the night.

I decide that I absolutely must talk to my girlfriend. I pick up the phone, and absolutely cannot dial the number. I call for my roommate John S to dial the number for me, and I start talking. John meanwhile takes off back to his adjoining room to mine. Turns out he pulled off the greatest sneak attack on the floor...while everyone was busy paying attention to my drunk ass, he was getting it on with a girl on our floor, and I so overshadowed it that no one ever noticed. Bastard Anyhow, I'm now talking to my girlfriend, rather drunkenly.

Now John H and Jen come back in to check on me. I continue talking to Kristen, my girl, and things continue as normal for a little bit. John and Jen sit down, and wait for me to get off the phone. All of a sudden, in the middle of my drunken conversation, I bust out my most serious, focused thought in hours. "Kristen, I have to go. I have an important question I need to ask Jen." *click* I didn't even wait for a response from her, I just hung up on her. Heard about it for that one in the morning. Anyhow, I turn to Jen, and say "Jen, I have a serious question I need to ask you." Meanwhile, John is laughing at me, because I'm drunk and he knows it. However, I'm pretty focused and serious on this question. "John, shut the f*** up, this is serious! Now, Jen, honestly...I really want to hear your honest opinion-John, shut the hell up! Jen, really...what did you think of my penis?"

At that point they both broke down into gales of laughter at the utter ridiculousness of that question, and nothing eventful happened for the rest of the night. I passed out, and then woke up the next morning. The drive home was hell with the monster hangover I had

Anyhow, if you've read this far, I salute you...that was probably more out of me than anyone needed to hear. However, I've gotten over the humility of that night, and I think it's a pretty funny story, so I share it with people. It could have been worse

EDIT: I realize that this binge drinking is a terrible thing, and I'd like to add that I've never done anything as stupid as this again, and I would advise everyone else to similarly avoid drinking binges...it's not safe.

[Airhog]

hmm my greatest baseball moment, was during little league, with machine pitch. I was the pitcher, and this kid wacked one right at me, somehow the ball landed in my glove...


I can tell some good stories about BMX.

I went to a national in pennsylvania. One of the guys I rode with was getting a gate, and snapped his frame out of the gate. Really pissed his dad off.

One race, a state championship qualifier I think, I was racing a guy I raced week in and week out. People thought I was just as fast as him, but he usually beat me. Im out in the lead coming into the second to last turn. he tries to come up on the inside and I cut him off basically, and he hit a tire and goes over the bars. It had rained earlier in the week, and their was a big mud puddle at the bottom of the turn. Needless to say, he took a nice bath on that trip around.

[Ben E Lou]

Vince...Yes, I hung with the whole time....Wow.


OK, time for Ol' SkyDog to bear his soul...


I attended Government Schools up through 8th grade. However, beginning my freshman year in high school, I went to a Private School. I had a MAJOR growth spurt in 7th grade and was INCREDIBLY awkward as a gangly 6 foot tall, 120-pound 13-year-old. (Strangely enough, that was my final upward growth spurt. I'm still only 6 feet tall. Odd.) At any rate, by the end of my 8th grade year, I was finally starting to adjust to my new body and began to re-discover my athletic talent. So, here I am: 14 years old, had gotten my braces off in the summer beofre my freshman year, and going to a new school where no one knew of my Junior High awkwardness. I'm thinking "I am going to be a major stud in high school!"

Fast forward to the 2nd day of school. We had single-sex, all-Freshman, P.E. classes, so of course guys' PE, taught by a good Southern Head Football Coach, was ALWAYS a major testosterone-fest, no matter what we were doing, and he had let us know on Day 1 (when of course we didn't dress out) that he was going to make MEN out of us in his PE class. So, it is Day 2, first day dressed out, and freshman soon-to-be-made-men are heading outside toward the baseball field.

Well, in the summer before my freshman year, my vertical leap had gotten to the point that I was able to jump over the fence in my back yard without touching it, and I thought this to be a pretty impressive talent.

So, we're heading out to the baseball field, 1st day of PE. I'm thinking this is the chance to show all the guys in my class that this new kid is NOT someone to be trifled with athletically. Everyone is about to walk through the gate, but Young SkyDog is gonna just JUMP over that sucker.

Well, you see, there was an important bit of information that I REALLY wish I had at the time. Back yard fences are typically 4 feet high. The fence at our baseball field was 5 feet high.

You got it, sports fans, I took a few steps out ahead of everyone (because of COURSE I wanted to do it while everyone was watching...), and jumped. My back foot hit the bar at the top of the fence, and I tumbled to the ground, planting in the grass face-first, landing right on my ego in front of every single guy in my class.

So, rather than being the studly, no-braces, incredible-leaping stud that I wanted to be farmed as from the start, I had a less-than-stellar debut in front of my peers.

There you have it.

[Ksyrup]

OK, a couple more.

Since everyone's got a baseball story, I've got one, too.

In little league, I had the perfect chance to be the hero at the end of a game. Down by a run, 2 outs, with men on 2nd and 3rd, I lace a sure game-winner down the 3rd base line. I sprint for 1st, not looking at anything but staring straight ahead, sure that when I touch 1st and turn around, the guy from 2nd will be headed home with the game-winning run.

Well, do you remember that rule you learned in little league about staying in foul territory if you're on 3rd? My teammate didn't listen. Not only did he get hit with my line drive - which made him an automatic out, game over - but I nailed him in the nuts. He had an ice bag in his pants - including the next day at school - for like 24-36 hours after that game.


OK, now one with me on the receiving end...

There's this Christmas tradition, you may know it, called Secret Santa, where you leave presents on a neighbor's doorstep for the 12 nights leading up to Christmas. My mom decided we should do that for one of our neighbors, who lived 2 doors down. My brother and I took turns delivering the package, but as they caught on, it became more difficult, as their two kids essentially camped out looking for us, night after night.

So, a couple of nights before Christmas, their place is all lit up and the kids are peeking out from behind curtains and stuff. I know that when I hit the doorbell, I've got to book it. I catch them at dinner, hit the doorbell, and take off. I hear the door open as I round the house and know that I've got to keep going full-speed until I'm safe. I'm flying through their backyard at top speed, thinking only of getting as far away as fast as I can - and forgetting that the people next door to us (between our house and the Secret Santa family) have a chain link fence. I hit the damn thing at full speed and flip over it, getting my pants caught as I go over and ripping them from the zipper down past the thigh. I can hear the kids shouting at each other to keep looking, so I get up and limp/run the rest of the way - pausing to climb over the other part of the fence, btw - and make it home "safely."

So when my dad sees me, he says, "What in the hell happened to you?", and I explain what happened, and then the pain starts. Turns out I ripped more than my pants, and I've got a nice gash on my penis. Thank God I'm a white boy, 'cause I'm fortunate that it didn't get caught in the fence and ripped off with my pants!

[WSUCougar]

Ksyrup: “and I've got a nice gash on my penis.” <--- words I never want to read again


Seems like everyone has baseball stories, and they’re all eerily similar. Here’s a couple of mine.

In Little League, I was our team’s catcher and #2 pitcher. No overpowering stuff, but I consistently got the ball over the plate, which in our league was a pretty rare skill. Our team was quite good and went to the playoffs. My dad was the coach, and when he scouted our opponents from the other league, he quickly determined that we were overmatched. It was a double-elimination tournament, so he decided to more or less concede the first game by pitching me and try to win the second game with our ace (who had great stuff). In retrospect I understand what he was doing, but at the time I didn’t.

Well, these kids we played against were mutants or something. Simply animals. I pitched my regular control game, and they just feasted on it. To say I got knocked around, slammed, pounded, etc., doesn’t even cover it. It didn’t help that our defense was Bad News Bears quality. When the smoke cleared, we’d lost 24-0 and I’d pitched all but one inning of it. I cried in the dugout.

The next day I was in the local paper, with two photos: one of my delivery, and then one of me on the mound watching the hit fly overhead. The caption was “here comes the pitch…there goes the pitch” or something like that. Celebrity came at a hard price.

My other story is a short one. This team called the Hawks was our nemesis, and they this first baseman who was a real jerk. He always taunted us, and for our age he was an overdeveloped lug. Anyway, I was on first and he started his routine with me, and pissed me off so much that I really wanted to get back at him. I thought I’d do that by jumping out to my lead right in front of him. I did this a couple times, but then the third time I did it I failed to notice that he’d moved into the base bath, and I ran smack into him and KNOCKED MYSELF OUT. I was down for around 30 seconds or so. Very nice.

[MrBug708]

I only pitched two batters in my life. Not because I wasnt good or bad, just never had the speed to be a good pitched. I came in relief to pitch in one blowout game. We were losing badly. I came in with the bases loaded and I was facing a girl. Now this was no ordinary girl, this wsas a rather built girl named Illene. Well, the first pitch I threw, she smacked it to the fence. 3 runs scored and she's on third. The next batter I faced, I worked him to a 3-2 count before he hit a shot to the left fielder that he easily got and threw back in. Well, that was it. The 9 run rule was in effect.

2 batters, 3 RIS, 2 ER's and I never got a batter out. My career ERA hasta be like 1067.00

[Ksyrup]

Originally posted by WSUCougar
Ksyrup: “and I've got a nice gash on my penis.” <--- words I never want to read again.

Luckily, I can now use that in past tense. I'm happy to report that there were no lasting effects - other than to my ego.

[Ksyrup]

Originally posted by MrBug708
I only pitched two batters in my life. Not because I wasnt good or bad, just never had the speed to be a good pitched. I came in relief to pitch in one blowout game. We were losing badly. I came in with the bases loaded and I was facing a girl. Now this was no ordinary girl, this wsas a rather built girl named Illene. Well, the first pitch I threw, she smacked it to the fence. 3 runs scored and she's on third. The next batter I faced, I worked him to a 3-2 count before he hit a shot to the left fielder that he easily got and threw back in. Well, that was it. The 9 run rule was in effect.

2 batters, 3 RIS, 2 ER's and I never got a batter out. My career ERA hasta be like 1067.00

Our travelling team went up against a female pitcher one game. I was lucky enough to hit a double of off her ("I got to 2nd base!" I exclaimed when the inning was over). However, the biggest guy on our team, nicknamed Hoss (it was Georgia, whaddaya expect?), wasn't so fortunate. He swung and missed at three straight "heaters." I've never seen a redder face in my life!

[QuikSand]

Back in younger days, I went out with a few college friends (no doubt with the suport of a little "liquid courage") in search of street signs to steal. I wasn't looking for a stop sign or anything that might cause real harm - rather, wanted a sign by a nearby overpass, which read "weight limit 12 tons." I thought it would be good to hang over my dorm room bed, if you get my drift.

Well, this was fairly near a college campus, and I'm guessing that the local five-o had been through this little game before. So, the street signs in the area had been subjected to a particular twist. They were all fastened to their supports with a heavy, four-inch long bolt, which stuck out past the support rod by about two inches. They then somehow bent the end of the bolt to a nice perpendicular angle - making it practically impossible to remove the sign from the signpost. Pretty smart, actually.

Well, my friends and I (including a young lady with whom I was rather enamored at the time) were not to be outdone. I decided that I had a plan. I had with me a small bone wrench (about 4-5 inches long, cheap aluminum deal) - and decided that could do the trick. A bone wrench has a sort of cubic design on either side, with various size apertures to try to fit various nut and bolt size. So, I figured it out - I could stick one end of the bone wrench around the end of the bent bolt, and I would use it as a lever to straighten it out. Genius. She was impressed. (Should have been a sign right there)

So, I'm up on two friends' shoulders (the sign was pretty tall, I guess) and I have the bone wrench in position, around the end of the bolt. The bolt and wrench are now pointed downward, so I need to bend then upward. After a few simple tries, this isn't as easy as I had thought and hoped. I need more force. So, I decide that the most force I can deliver is with the base of my palm- so I use an upward thrust of my semi-open hand and give the wrench a serious whack.

This didn't go so well.

Instead of forcing the bolt to straighten, my additional force only caused the bone wrench to snap. So, the middle part of the wrench, which was just an aluminum support that looked like a + in cross-section, has just ripped apart somewhere in the middle. The force of my blow, however, kept my arm moving forward, and I proceeded to push my exposed wrist right into and through the now-sharp exposed shard of aluminum.

Blood gushes out of my arm, and onto my "support" friends. I fall to the ground, and yelp in pain.

I am going to die.

Right here, right now, because I tried to steal a street sign. I'm going to die from this. Right in front of this girl, how embarassing.

Going through my mind is the ghastly old saying:

This way to the hospital (making motion across wrist),
This way to the morgue (making motion down the arm at the wrist)

...and I see that my injury is in the latter direction - a nice open gash right up the arm, starting right at the exposed arteries in my wrist. I am going to die.

...fast forward...

Well, as you may have guessed by now, I did not die. As it turns out, my injury was quite superficial - I bled from losing some skin near my wrist, but the gash wasn't deep at all, and I didn't even need to go to the emergency room. (Okay, I should say that I didn't actualy go the emergency room - maybe I needed to, but I didn't)

So, the story had a happy ending after all. I wore a bandage around my wrist for a couple weeks, which was a fascinating conversation piece. I got the girl, and had a great few months with her (and then a few great hours from time to time afterward). And I ended up with one of the better stories of my lifetime. My blood-soaked friends got a good story out of it, too.

The humor may have been of the "had to be there" variety, but it was quite a moment - having a minute or so being truly convinced that my life was over.

[Swaggs]

After reading through this thread and trying to think of a good story, I think I have one...

When I was in high school, I was what could only be described as "whipped" by my lovely little high school girlfriend, who was kind enough to let me see her naked and such. As such, I met her by her locker at the end of class every day.

My locker was at the end of the hall and hers was on the opposite wall, maybe 20 feet down the hall. On that particular day, she had been wearing black jeans (hey, black jeans used to be cool, right?) and a red sweater. So, I had seen her at her locker and finished up emptying my backpack into my locker so I could spend a few minutes with her.

****
A quick interruption to help build the story. When I was in high school, there was a beautiful girl of Mid-Eastern descent that was Islamic. She was really a great all around girl (not suprisingly named most beautiful girl in our class, in fact) that was intelligent, very friendly, and just a total knockout. Because she was Islamic and had very strict parents, she was never allowed to date or go to football games or out in groups. On top of that, she had a body-building, older brother that made Lou Ferrigno look like a peanut. Rumor had it that he had listened to a telephone conversation his sister had with a boy that wanted to take her to a dance, and the ensuing events were not pretty.
****

Back to my story now. I finished up with my locker and slammed it shut and headed over towards my girlfriend's locker. Since she seemed engrossed in packing her books into her backpack, I snuck over and, as I regularly did, tickled her ass, just to the inside of her back pocket.

What happened next is kind of melted together and I can't remember in which order they happened, but I think the next thing I saw was my girlfriend appearing to my right, walking with my bestfriend towards her locker. Realizing that I could not be tickling my girlfriend's ass with my lefthand because she was clearly standing to my right, I turned to see whose ass it was that I was tickling, and sure enough, it was the beautiful girl of Mid-Eastern (I know, lame description, but since I am still very much afraid of her brother, the less detail the better ) descent's rear end. There last names both began with the same few letters, so, of course, their lockers were adjacent.

She jumped and, fortunately for me, began giggling. My girlfriend, who caught me in the act, was suprisingly not angry once she realized that they were both wearing black jeans and a red sweater and were about the same body size with similar hair color/styles. My best friend, predictably, enjoyed being able to see me act like a big ass.

The whole thing was pretty surreal, because at the time I was so afraid of her brother and sexual harassment (around the time Clarence Thomas made it "popular"), plus she had never dated anyone, so I felt bad about even touching her.

Looking back at it now it is pretty damn funny, but still embarassing.

[Fidatelo]

Here's a "laugh at my misfortune story". I played on an intramural floor hockey team in high school. These games were pretty insane, the school ended up having to ban intramural floor hockey in my final year of high school because it got too rough (someone had their knee destroyed by a check into the bleachers (supposed to be no hitting), and lots of fights were occuring during and after games). But that's besides the point.

Anyways, I wasn't much of an athlete growing up, but at least in hockey I was reasonably ok. Until you put me in goal, that is. You see, I'm just a wee bit puck shy. Anyways, the way the teams worked is that the kids on the high school hockey team were all captains of intramural teams, which was fair because it split them up. Unfortunately it also meant that there was always at least one dude on the opposing team that had a frickin' howitzer of a shot. Oh, and did I mention that slapshots were allowed and that you could bring your own stick?

Well, by this point you can probably see what happened. My captain decided to put me in net one game (no one wanted to be goalie so we took turns). I let in a slapshot early, and a light went off in the other teams head: he's afraid of the puck. This might have to do with my natural instinct to turn sideways and make myself as small as possible.

Well, the shots began to rain down upon me like crazy. I don't remember how many goals our team scored (I think around 7, but their team scored 29 against me. In 30 minutes. Yep, you read that right, I gave up almost a goal a minute.

Needless to say I was never asked to play goalie again

[Swaggs]

Originally posted by QuikSand
Back in younger days, I went out with a few college friends (no doubt with the suport of a little "liquid courage") in search of street signs to steal. I wasn't looking for a stop sign or anything that might cause real harm - rather, wanted a sign by a nearby overpass, which read "weight limit 12 tons." I thought it would be good to hang over my dorm room bed, if you get my drift.

Quote of the moment fodder if I have ever heard any!

[CamEdwards]

Here's my funniest "on-air" story:

About four years ago, I was the afternoon news anchor at the radio station where I now work as the morning host. I had four newscasts an hour, and between writing my own stories and anchoring, I didn't always have time to read my scripts before I went on the air.

I was halfway through a newscast one afternoon when I got to a story about the pecan harvest in southern Oklahoma. It sounded something like this.

"Pecan farmers in southern Oklahoma say the drought has hurt them."

cut to soundbite of farmer:

"Take a look at my nuts. You can see they're smaller than normal. Just roll my nuts around in your hand and you can tell their softer than they should be."

cut to me:

stunned silence. Then I start reading the rest of the story.

"*chuckle*.. Farmer Raymond Brown says his nuts...*chuckle*"

and then I lost it. Full blown laughter. I was laughing so hard I was crying.. ON THE AIR. After about twenty seconds the producer (who was also laughing so hard he couldn't see) kills my mic and tries to toss it back to the afternoon host. Of course he's laughing so hard you can't make out a word he's saying.

Then the producer cuts back to me without warning, right as I'm saying through tears and giggles... "my nuts are smaller than normal."

After about fifteen more seconds of uncontrollable giggling all around, the producer finally had the presence of mind to just go to a commercial.

I'm still not sure if the reporter who wrote that story did it on purpose, or if he was just so ignorant he didn't realize what that soundbite would do to me.

[Ksyrup]

That's great stuff. I'm assuming you lost it like I just did!

[Swaggs]

That's classic stuff, Cam.

[korme]

Wow, I just finished up Ksyrup's penis story. LMAO. That had me literally 'laughing out loud'.

[Samdari]

So far Cam wins. That had me laughing out loud, which of course, alerts the office to the fact that I am not writing the Matlab code I am supposed to be writing. Matlab code is notoriously not funny.

Honorable mention to SkyDog

[MylesKnight]

Damn Cam, I just got (bleepin') V8 Tomato Juice all over my (bleepin') Monitor, Keyboard and my damn Desk..



That was CLASSIC!!!

[korme]

Alright here's one. At my house a few months ago, it was 4 of us in my guest room. Yeah, we call beds everytime people sleep at my house, and I was reduced to sleeping on the guestroom floor. But that is besides the point.

Imagine the bed in a square room shifted against one of the walls so that you can only exit on one side. I slept near the feet of the bed while my other friend Ryan slept parallel with the bed on the floor.

Anyways, we had some Bacardi that night, and Ryan, the kid on the floor with me, was pretty trashed. In the bed, on the exit side, was Chad. The other kid is Jeremy, wallside of the bed, just so you get the whole idea.

Well Ryan on the floor, wakes up in the middle of the night. He's got to piss. But all of us are passed out/asleep. So Ryan gets up, turns on the light and yet in his drunken state, DOES NOT leave the room. He just turns, looks at my guest bed, whips it out, and proceeds to piss on Chad, head to toe. This is when Chad wakes up, in a pissed off state, realizing he is soaked with someone else's urine. Well the drunken pisser, Ryan, thinks he hasn't been caught yet, so he proceeds to run across the room, turns off the light switch, and then DIVES onto my floor, and pretends to be sleeping. Obviously, Chad was not fooled at all, as he watched the kid do all of this.

It was actually very funny, as I woke up, I found my friend in all of my clothes, with his laying in my bath. Probably the funniest thing I've ever heard (I never woke up through the ordeal).

[WSUCougar]

Originally posted by Shorty3281
This is when Chad wakes up, in a pissed off state

Wouldn't that be a pissed ON state?

[korme]

Heheh, I noticed that I had that lil' pun in there after I read..

[sabotai]

Oh man......my face hurts from laughing.

I nominate Vince for the funniest story...."I have to ask her a question!" *click*....man, too funny. Your girl must have been pissed, or died laughing.

Runner up: Cam.

Who's a dawg? QS is. "I got the girl, and had a great few months with her (and then a few great hours from time to time afterward)."

And as I sit here, trying to think of a funny story, I can't. I have lived a boring life. Just a few things have happened to me, from flooding the chemistry room in high school, to my girlfrined's hair catching on fire at a party, to a threat from a friend to a bunch of girls from the car, to having to drive a 12 year old home after talking her out of running away with a 19 year old sick bastard, to cracking my front tooth in half playing basketball, to ripping my hand open at work......

On second thought....

[GoldenEagle]

One time at band camp....

Sorry, couldnt resist.

[sabotai]

Ok here's the flood story, with a suppliment short stories "Soaking the substiture teacher" and "Gobstopper hotplate"

12th grade Advanced Chemistry. That's right, all of the stories were performed by "advanced" students. I was in a group with 4 friends. We did all kinds of shit together. But nothing compares to what we did in this class.

And it was partially because of the teacher. I forget his name right now, but he had been teaching a long time and just found some of the things we did funny.

One of the things we liked to do was take a part of the faucet off. It was the part where the water came out. Now, just to clarify, for anyone who has not been around a "School lab" area, the facets have the long, narrow pipes that go from the handles to turn the water on to the sink, but it makes a giant unpside down U shape. It's hard to explain...anyway.

We would take the "neck" off of the faucet. And we did it regularly.

However, one time...my friend didn't take JUST the neck off. Instead, he started unscrewing the whole thing.....with out me realizing.

So, here we are trying to do something...I don't remember. He's unscrewing the faucet, and he's just about done. That's when I get a little annoyed that he's just playing while we are doing work, and that's when I grab the faucet....

*WHOOSH*

A geyser of water shoots out. Everyone in the chem lab runs to the opposite side of the room. And there I am, stuck holding the damn faucet! So of course, everyone assumes it was me!

I try, but fail, to quickly screw the faucet back on. Meanwhile, the idiot friend of mine took off. One of my lab partners dove under the table. As the water landed on the table and went off, it looked like he was behind a water fall.

Anyway, in my attempt to put the faucet back on, I end up spraying water everywhere. After a few seconds, I drop it and get out of there...completely soaked. Within a minute the room is filled with water as it shot out water pretty quickly.

My teacher was cool about it. He told "the people" that there was a leak and we tried to fix it. He thought it was pretty funny.

After chem, we had lunch. At first, I tried to push blame off to my friend (he was the one who basically unscrewed it to the point that when I grabbed it, it came off). But after a few days and knowing nothing was going to happen to me, I accepted blame, because by them, it became more of a badge of honor than and embarrising moment. I flooded the chem room, and got no punishment from anyone.

After lunch, we have physics class, which was right next to the chem room. The physics room also had a lot of water in it.

Soaking the substitute teacher

Apparently, the faucet has three parts. The neck where the water comes out, and two parts underneath it. If you take off all three....well, we know what happens when you take off all three now. But if you take off the 2 parts, the water will just sit there.

Well, we thought that the if we turned the faucet on, the water should just shoot straight up, shouldn't it? At least, when the geyser went off, it shot straight up....but this was not the same faucet.

With the substitute teaching standing about 5 feet away, we learned that not all faucets shoot stright up.

We turn the faucet on...the water shoots up...but not straight up...and comes down right on the head of the substitute teacher!

We quickly turn the faucet off and put it back on and get ready for our punishment. But alas, it didn't come. She was cool about it. (Am I fuckin lucky or what?). She was, however, one of the heads of the play that year, so to make things even, we all (me and 3 lab partners [one was out that day]) had to buy a ticket to see the play.

Gobstopper Hotplate

Not much to this story. We just wanted to see what would happen if you put gobstoppers on a hotplate.

And here's what happens.

The gobstoppers melt, the gobstoppers stick, the gobstoppers stay (IOW, they melt and you can't get them off). And the result is that everytime you plug the hotplate in for now on, it will smell like gobstoppers.

[korme]

Last year, during the Shorty hosted Milk Challenge (2 awards: quickest to drink gallon of milk, person to throw up the most).

I was the camera guy, I'm not big on milk. One of my friends was not seeing how fast he could drink the gallon of milk (time limit is an hour by the way), he was definately going for the throw up award. By 5 minutes he was chugging and regurgitating routinely into the big puke can. Oh what fun it was to get my camera in there and tape it. Ok well one time we see this big object come out with alot of the liquid.

So cam guy Shorty goes in and looks in the garbage bag. Stank. But then, there it is! A huge object! So me and Throw Up Man take two sticks, and together with excellent teamwork lift that sucker out of the garbage and onto the ground. So what'd he throw up? Good question. There is no feasible way that it was a piece of food. He would have had to swallow a chicken breast whole for it to look like that in his stomach. So after much deliberation, we decided that he must have thrown up his small intestine. There's no way it could be anything else! It was huge and long!

[lcjjdnh]

Recent story from track.

I run long distance, which has a separate girls' coach and boys' coach.

Anyway, there are three very good girls who had started to run with us boys instead of the girls. Our coach decided to send us out in two groups and have us in the second group catch to the kids in the first group. My one friend is running in the first group, while myself, one the girls and another friend is running in the second.

All of sudden, we running up a street when we start to pull ahead of the first group. But, before we could do this, my friend in the first group decides to moon us before we pass him. What he forgot was that the girls were running with us that day. With this, the girl shrieks out in horror and he turns around red as a beat and apologizes.

Next time we're running, my friend who mooned us ran a shorter distance than us and was already back at the track before we got there. As my other friend comes in, the first friend decides to pull down his pants and give him a view of his front half of the body. Once again, the same girl is right there as he does it.

Fast foward, to yesterday. We are running down the street and my one friend, who mooned us, tries to explain to the girl that we can see each other naked because we're a "crew". In response, my other friend goes, "yeah, like a family". Obvously he didn't mean it the way he said it, but it was still one of the funniest things I have ever heard. We all just started cracking up and stopped running.

Not sure if you guys will find this story funny or if it had to be one of those you have to be there stories, but almost everyone in school was cracking up today as they heard the story.