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02-28-2003, 05:59 PM
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Godzilla Blitz's "Poop on the Golden Helmets (Year 3)"
List of threads:
Year 1 Year 2 Year 3 Year 4 ___________________________ Originally posted by Godzilla Blitz: 2003 Late summer comes woofing round the corner; it is once again time for Notre Dame football! For you new readers out there, we are now in the third year of our sublime attempt to take the Notre Dame Fightin Irish to the pits of the football rankings. That’s right, despite the embarrassing results we have gotten the past two years, we are actually trying to lose football games and bring Notre Dame to #125 in the nation! Not #124, Not #123, but DFL dead last. To date... Our journey has been a rough one. Our first year saw a star-laden team romp through a challenging schedule to finish at a robust 8-4 record. Last year, we started out with high hopes, but our tactics were shallow. We switched a talented DE to starting QB and brought in a run-and-shoot offense in an attempt to bring our offense to its knees. This backfired when our talented receiving corps wolfed down his lame duck passes. Four-hour practices aimed at wearing the squad out actually fostered a disciplined, crushing defense. The easy schedule, designed to bring us way down in the rankings, backfired when we won week after week in romp after romp. In short, it was a travesty. We ended the year perched at #2 in the nation, having run to an 11-1 season. The risk in this dynasty is that the option to get fired is turned ON. We will need some delicate balancing of on-field losses and off-field successes in order to avoid getting fired for a bad season, especially after the success we enjoyed last season. Where this journey ends no one knows, but welcome, fans, friends, and foes to year 3 in the Poop on the Golden Helmets adventure! Get some popcorn to eat, rotten tomatoes to throw, and a cold one to, well, you get the point. But do enjoy the show, and remember to yell loudly when we are on offense! Previous years are here: Poop On The Golden Helmets (Year 1) Poop On The Golden Helmets (Year Two!) Last edited by Co-D'ohs : 05-07-2015 at 09:44 AM. |
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02-28-2003, 06:05 PM
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#2 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by Godzilla Blitz:
2003 Preseason You’ve got mail! Heaps of mail. And let us rejoice at the good tidings it brings. It looks like the combination of 10% study time and a syndicate (is this the mafia?) coordinator who sucks at eligibility has taken a bit of a toll on the academic grades here. We have 9, yes 9, players who will be ineligible to play this year! Yes! An some of these are top-quality players. Our top two defensive players, OLB Mackie and CB McWilliams: out. Our best receiver, Mr. Au: out (that’s gotta hurt! Get it?). Our starting kicker, Trunsky: gone. Two would-be starters on the DL: gone. Yes, we are nailing them now. Enjoy your senior years, guys! Ha ha! Revenge is ours! No TV appearances for you. No shiny gold helmets! No pro draft! And even better, no Notre Dame degree. Enroll at your local community college to make up the credits fellas. You should have studied more. Let's see here, we also get a slew of players wanting more free time. Well, no one can say that I’m an insensitive guy. I will listen to my players, you just wait and see. None of our staff quit. They love me. The feeling is not quite mutual though... |
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02-28-2003, 06:05 PM
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#3 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by Godzilla Blitz:
2003 Staff Hiring We are changing tactics. We are going to try to jack up academic performance to new heights. That means our old syndicate dude has got to go. Bye bye. Pack your bags, buster. The new guy: Walter Boyd (50) Academic Eligibility: Terrific Syndicate Investigations: Terrible Solicit Donations: Excellent Walter should be a key element in our goal of raising Notre Dame academics above that of the best Ivy League schools, otherwise known as "saving my job". Now let’s see how BJ has done as offensive coordinator. Here are his updated ratings. B.J. Brooks Play Calling: Terrible Injury Avoidance: Lousy Rehabilitation: Lousy Congeniality: Terrific Quarterbacks: Terrific Running Backs: Terrible (+1 level) Receivers: Poor Offensive Line: Lousy Kickers: Good Run-and-shoot: 1 Year Clearly BJ has too much experience to run our offense. And after the job he did with QB Goodwin last year, it would be a mortal sin to let him run the O this year. As they say on The Brady Bunch, “You are the weakest link! Bye!” Um, on second thought, after looking through the ranks, April Fools! You can stay. (No one else is anywhere close to being as bad as this guy!). We’ll just change the offense to screw him up this year. Being wishy-washy is a sign of good leadership, right? We actually decide to keep our defensive coordinator for a third year. As with our offensive coordinator, there is no one close to being this bad out there. His current rankings: Defensive Coordinator Brain Longfellow Play Calling: Terrible Injury Avoidance: Lousy Rehabilitation: Poor Congeniality: Good Defensive Lineman: Decent Linebackers: Lousy Secondary: Lousy Ok, enough with the hiring. We leave our scouts as they are. I’m bored with this stuff. Let’s go make a schedule! |
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02-28-2003, 06:06 PM
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#4 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by Godzilla Blitz:
2003 Scheduling I want to get home games this year so that I can generate as much ticket revenue as possible. Also, I want to have one game against a top team and one against the #125 team. We already have a game against #125 Central Florida, so that test is already set. Once again we try to get a rematch with Nebraska, who we beat back in 2001, but they rebuff our offer of a home game. After a bit of bandying back and forth, we end up with a home game against #123 Louisiana-Monroe, and a home/away with #20 Penn State, to help guarantee us a loss should we exceed expectations. Here it is. God, look at those season ticket sales. Boy, are they gonna be in for a surprise this year! 2003 Notre Dame Schedule |
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02-28-2003, 06:07 PM
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#5 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by Godzilla Blitz:
2003 Roster Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the 2003 Notre Dame Fightin Irish! Scout Overview This should make you all happy! Finally we are getting something to work with! Talent is starting to rise up through the ranks! We are not perfect yet, and there are some glaring problems, to be sure, but we are making progress for sure! RB Hedrick looks set to follow in the footsteps of the two previous years' godly backs, Lloyd and Wolfe. Our OL is respectable, and our CB’s will clearly present problems, and we have good players scattered throughout the team. But look, look, at our safties! Isn’t that beautiful? And our DL is starting to get mighty thin too. We are making progress, yes we are. And watch what happens now. I think we can solve one problem, that of an effective running game... Mister Hedrick, could I talk to you for a moment? We have been thinking, young man, that we have such depth at running back this year, and such a lack of talent at, um, punter, that we are going to switch you to punter this year. Here’s a ball, go to it, son! Ew, Keith didn’t like that. His new ratings: Kicking Power: 0/1 Punts Returned: 0/1 Punts Inside 20: 0/0 With our old “fool ‘em for a year trick”, that should ensure that Keith is our starting punter for the upcoming season. Combine him with our best eligible kicker, and our kicking game has a combined total of 2 in seven kicking categories! This is gonna be a fun season!!!! Go Irish!!!!! Now, time to fix the errors of our ways in time management. I tried to wear the team out the past two seasons with long practices, but the guys have been complaining a lot, so this year I thought I would be nice to them. No more practice!!!! Well, house rules dictate that they have to be on the field for 10% of the time, but that should be enough, don’t you think? Clearly, what you do after college is more important, so hit those books guys! Into the library we go. Up to 35% for all except a few select juniors. That should help our sagging academic reputation. And we better make this team happy. Let’s let them relax for 35% of their time. That should be about right. That leaves, let’s see, 10% for weights and 10% for football study. Oh, that’s not enough. How did that happen? Oh well, too bad. Making decisions decisively is the mark of a good leader, right? Who needs weights anyway. Just drink Creatine, guys! And football study, nah? All plays on “one” all year, ok? And yes, it’s time once again to pick the offensive formation. I read somewhere that sound collegiate strategy says that you should switch this as often as possible in order to let your players experience many different types of plays, so let’s see… Our highest rated back, Brock Gray (!!!), is now a four, so how about the Wishbone? That should play to our strengths! I am so looking forward to this year. Well, after all this babbleage, it is just about time. All that’s left before the opening kickoff is the season outlook. There are still question marks, to be certain. But this year is a year we make strong progress towards our goal. I don’t think we are anywhere bad enough to take the ultimate prize, but I am hoping that we can have our first losing season. If we can balance this with good income and high academics, we should be able to keep our job for 2004, and ladies and gentlemen, that will have to be the year. Because we will surely suck then, and there will be little I can do to save my job after that. So here we go, onwards to what will be called “The Setup Season”, the first step in a two-step assault on total suckihood. Prognosis: 5-6. And that should do if for today, folks. We’ll be back tomorrow for the opening kickoff of the 2003 season and, yes, our third annual “Why Let One Person Have All the Fun” contest! That’s right, that time of the year is drawing close! The time where the fans vote to select their position choice of the year! Last year fans voted to wipe out our strong backup QB Donovan Eggers. Donnie boy should see a lot of action at OLB this year, but surprisingly he has struggled with the change. The year before saw the end of stud ILB Don Stephens tackling days. Despite fully developing his punting skills, things just aren't the same for Don. He now spends the game leering at Notre Dame cheerleaders. So be sure to take your responsibility seriously. It affects lives! Tune in tomorrow for full details! Till then, GO IRISH!!!! |
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02-28-2003, 06:07 PM
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#6 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by Kekkonen:
Dear Sir, you are obviously in need of a third fullback. My humble suggestion is to move CB Trevor McAninch to that position. It is for his own good -- banging your head at linemen or linebackers twice your size builds character. |
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02-28-2003, 06:08 PM
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#7 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by jerk3616:
It's too bad you can't put your Rudy Scholorship award winners on your coaching staff. THAT would definately make for a good team--mouth-breathers leading the Golden Domers.  |
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02-28-2003, 06:08 PM
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#8 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by revrew:
I make a nomination for position change. Believing seniors are best left to graducate, I nominate junior WR "Leaping" Joey Murray. The Domer O must be stopped, and rumor is Joey has had his eye on the girl in the band playing the piccolo. He'd be able to be a lot closer to her if he was at the end of the bench waiting for his chance to get in the game at center. And in keeping of the original set of rules, which necessitated an accompanying N.D. insult: Perhaps the Irish eyes are smilin', And Irish gals are oft beguilin', But get these domers a garbage truck, For this is one team that's sure to suck! |
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02-28-2003, 06:09 PM
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#9 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by Godzilla Blitz:
Kekkonen: Yes, that guy is a definite problem, isn't he? With him out of the way, we would really weaken our pass defense. Consider your vote tallied! Jerk: LOL! That would be good humor! Would be nice if ex-players could be made coordinators, wouldn't it? But have you seen our offensive coordinator now? I would have to think he would give Gray a run for his money. Revrew: LOL! Great poem! Funny ha ha! Consider your vote for WR Murray tallied, and I would have to say you may have the "best derogatory comment" award wrapped up with that one. But then again, feel free to change your vote after you see what happened in the first game... |
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02-28-2003, 06:09 PM
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#10 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by Godzilla Blitz:
Week 1 Some good news to start the season folks. It looks like both Rudy Scholarship winners are going to see extensive action this year! 2001 winner RB Brock Gray comes up second on the depth chart; since we are running the wishbone I would think he’ll get a lot of carries. Brock is quite excited, and has been working hard at concepts like “forward” and “backward”. Also, 2002 winner Marshall Chapman will get a starting nod at safety! For those of you who are new, The Rudy Scholarship is the four-year ride we give to the stupidest, least-talented football recruit in the nation. Recruiting Speaking of which, we have located two candidates for the 2003 Rudy Scholarship Award! Ideally we would have three, but these two are in a class by themselves. We present… Offensive Tackle J.J. Neely from King William HS in King William, VA! JJ has a 1.82 GPA and a 595 on his SAT! Wow! Dumb and lazy! What a combo! And our scout gives him a “2” at OT! Yes! This could be the best guy yet! His competition is going to give him a run for his money though. OLB Heath Sherman from Redwood HS in Visalia, CA has a slightly better GPA at 1.97 but only managed a 581 on his SAT. He is a much better football player though. He gets a “7” from our scout. This could be a duel to remember. We visit both of them and give them the news, and the competition is underway! We repeat the offer to them a few times, and explain unfamiliar concepts like “college,” “scholarship,” and “numbers larger than 2.” They both seem real happy with the attention. We spend some more time and Notre Dame money visiting other recruits that fit our new ideal: horrible on the field, great in school. I will call this the strategy the “wonk patrol”. Here wonkie, wonkie. Come to Notre Dame. But enough. Let’s get on to the game! The Game Local TV against #123 Louisiana-Monroe. This is our first ever game against this team, and should give us a good idea of where we stand talent-wise this year. If we could lose here, what greatness could be ours! I am doubtful though. Our offense still has quite a bit of punch left and our defense still has some hitters. Anyway, hang on to your jock strap because here we goooooooo!!!! The Result Our running attack, led my Mr. Brock Gray (?!?) grinds out a long 1st quarter drive to give us a 7-0 lead, but we let LM do the same thing to us to even the score at 7-7. Then Mr. Hendrick, our new ex-running back made punter, comes through with booming 23-yard punt to give LM the ball deep in our territory. LM promptly scores again and we are down 14-7 at the half! Yahoo! Things are working perfectly!!!! At the end of the 3rd quarter, QB Briggs (damn him!) highlights a long drive with a TD strike to WR Linville and we are even 14-14. LM is unable to do much of anything, but we stall as well, until late in the 4th quarter our punter Hendrick comes through again! He booms a 17-yarder which gives LM the ball deep in our territory once more! Way to go Hendy! You the man! Isn’t punting fun! Right about now, I figure we are sitting pretty. But, but, but, the unthinkable happens! On the next play, walk-on safety Shaun Gordon picks off a pass and takes it 55 yards before tripping over the LM 20-yard line. Our offense gets the ball deep in LM territory! Oh no, Mr. Wizard! We stumble and bumble around, but Bart Cohen, our zero-rated kicker, nails a 22-yarder to give us a 17-14 lead that holds for the victory. Aaargh! So close, yet so far! Record 1-0, Rank #3 But we are so much better this year. We played a good close game against the #123 team in the country! We have potential! We are getting there! We do have some problems though. Our offensive line is fairly strong; we were able to gain over 200 yards on the ground and didn’t give up a sack. Even clueless RB Gray gained 67 yards behind these behemoths! QB Briggs (9-15, 87 yards, 1 TD, 0 int) performed too well at critical moments. WR Linville gobbled up 6 passes for 54 yards and a TD. Our defense only gave up 14 points and made the critical play late in the 4th quarter to cost us the defeat we had fought so hard for. So we have a ways to go, but all in all things are looking brighter now. We can see defeat at the end of this long victory tunnel. All we may need is one more thing. One key ingredient to bring us to the fruitlessness we have so long aspired to. That, of course, is where you, our loyal fans who stuck with us through the depressing 11-1 season which was last year, come in. You, who clicked on this thread when you knew the result would only be another Notre Dame rout. You, who read every word, and didn’t skip over the agonizing pain of our Bowl victories of the first two years. You, who believed we would return though our thread had ground to a temporary halt. Yes, you. For now it is time for... |
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02-28-2003, 06:10 PM
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#11 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by Godzilla Blitz:
The 3rd Annual “Why Let One Person Have All the Fun Contest!” Yes, some people have mailed in their ballots early, but it is now officially time for the third annual fan’s choice for position change! This year’s choice should prove to be interesting, as on a quick look there appears to be a number of candidates whose destruction could provide the key link in devasting our team’s effectiveness. So consider carefully whose career you would like to ruin! Here are the official candidates, but feel free to write in whomever you want: 1. Junior QB Marty Briggs: A junior with two more years left, Marty is the last respectable QB left on our team. Wiping him out now would make us drop down to wimpy Everett Barnes to lead the team. 2. Senior G Bruce Fisher: The core of an offensive line that led our team to 200 yards on the ground against Louisiana Monroe. Had 5 key run blocks in our first game. In his last year. 3. Junior WR Joey Murray: A junior with two more years left, Joey is clearly a talented receiver that will give us problems in the future. Didn’t catch a single ball in the first game. 4. Senior WR Ralph Linville: Our best receiver. Led the team in our first game with 6 catches and a TD. In his last year. 5. Senior CB Nicky Holton: Our best eligible defender. In his last year. 6. Junior CB Trevor McAninch: Two years left, this guy will be pain in the butt in the future. Well, there you have it, but I could have made arguments for a number of other people as well. Feel free to vote for anyone here or anyone not on the official ballot. This year’s contest could be especially critical to our team’s failure. For those of you who are new and those of you who have forgotten, to cast a vote you post here with the name of your selection, and then add a derogatory comment about Notre Dame for the vote to count! Also, the very first “after the contest starts” vote counts as two votes, so don’t delay, operators are waiting! We’ll run the competition until midnight Notre Dame time on Thursday, the 18th. We’ll tally the results then, and drive right on to play our second game of the year. Let’s end on the early write-in results in order to give you something to think about: CB McAninch: (1) WR Murray (1) See you tomorrow! Go Irish! Yee-haw!!!! |
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02-28-2003, 06:11 PM
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#12 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by digamma:
Bruce Fisher tells me that he has been quite disappointed with his time at ND. It seems when he was recruited he was promised a chance to compete for a spot in the defensive backfield. |
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02-28-2003, 06:11 PM
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#13 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by primelord:
QB Briggs and I were kicking it the other night and we got to talking about how much he gets hit from his blind side. "Man I wish Zilla would let me step in at left tackle. I would show them how its done." - Briggs. |
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02-28-2003, 06:12 PM
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#14 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by Kodos:
Gonna have to go with Briggs. It would be a waste to pick someone in their last year, especially when you consider they could go down with injury at any time. I envision an offense with no QB who has to hand off repeatedly to The Galloping Gray Ghost. Insult; let's see. "If you can't go hall of fame, go Notre Dame!" |
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02-28-2003, 06:13 PM
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#15 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by jerk3616:
I feel that in order for this stud QB to know the game, he needs to learn how the game is played on the other side of the ball. Depending on his height and speed, I'd put Marty Briggs at CB. If he's big and quick...he could wear a dress and help Candy recruit. If Notre Dame were a food... It would taste TERRIBLE!!! (Man, I gotta start working these ND slams out)  |
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02-28-2003, 06:13 PM
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#16 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by Kodos:
Hey Jerk3616, how about: "If Notre Dame were food, Even vultures would turn their nose up at it!" No good? Ahhh, well. I tried. |
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02-28-2003, 06:14 PM
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#17 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by IMetTrentGreen:
i think QB Briggs would like to take some handoffs as opposed to give them. imagine him as a bruising FB. |
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02-28-2003, 06:14 PM
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#18 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by jerk3616:
Thanks for the support, Kodos. Someday I'm going to have a SWEET insult for ND!! By the way...I am digging on the Gates Challenge. My Bro was a member of the frat that Paul Allen built at WSU, so I am following your exploits. Good to see Bill putting his money to a good cause. |
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02-28-2003, 06:15 PM
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#19 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by stkelly52:
I noticed that you had two WR's on your list, but they will be useless if there is no one to throw the ball to them. Get rid of Marty Briggs and you eliminate the threat from all three. As a missionary I don't think that I should send a derogitory comment, so I thought I would send a blessings to ND instead: May your players be see a multitude of injuries, may your backs drop the ball, may your kicks sail wide right, may you face fourth and 79, may your team be made subject to all other teams, and may you soon see #125. |
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02-28-2003, 06:16 PM
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#20 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by mrg1037:
Briggs is too good, he cost you the game against LA-Monroe. Send him to linebacker! Good luck with getting to #125 (a.k.a. real-life ND) |
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02-28-2003, 06:16 PM
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#21 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by Kekkonen:
Kudos to Coach Blitz for his valiant effort. A 3-point win against a bottom-feeder should promise great things for next week's game against Purdue. I still root for my personal fav CB Trevor McA... whatever. I can see the case for Mr. Briggs, though; he might be better suited for FB duty -- there are only two on the roster. By the way Coach Blitz, be sure to get more RBs this year. I'd hate to see a walk-on in such an important position. Um, a derogatory ND comment. Let's see. Bob and Bill, two Notre Dame graduates were out hunting. They didn't know the area very well, so they agreed that if one of them got lost, they'd fire a shot in the air as a signal the other guy and then stay put until the other one arrives. Soon enough, Bill got lost. "No problem", he thought, "We had a plan for this." Promptly, he fired a shot in the air just as they had agreed. An hour passes, but nothing happens. Another shot, another hour, nothing. He tries it one more time, but to no avail. Then panic starts setting in: "Dammit. I hope Bob gets here before I run out of arrows." |
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02-28-2003, 06:17 PM
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#22 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by Alf:
I first thought of moving the G, but you still would have depth... Then I looked at your CBs and even if you moved 1, there are still 2 very capable guys. WRs are useless in a Wishbone offense, so I'll go with QB Briggs and would like to see him play WR a bit to see if he can learn how it feels to be on the other side of the ball  |
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02-28-2003, 06:17 PM
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#23 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by Shorty3281:
Briggs has been known to say that he can out play any current Notre Dame Tight End. Briggs. Soon, South Bend will change their nickname to 'Irish', as Fighting, is no longer a meaningful nickname.  |
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02-28-2003, 06:18 PM
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#24 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by Godzilla Blitz:
Well, it's midnight somewhere, so let's check this score out... Wow! What a runaway!!! Silly me, I thought it was going to be close. Here's the real time action (again, scroll slowly for increased drama...total votes in parentheses) Kekkonen: McAninch (2) Bonus for best insult by non-native English speaker (uksi, cacksi, calme? That's all I somewhat know of your language) revrew: Murray (2) bonus for best insult; hell, it even had rhythm. digamma: Fisher (2) QuickDraw bonus primelord: Briggs (1) Kodos: Briggs (3) Gatesville Anti-Dynasty Bonus jerk: Briggs (4) IMetTrentGreen: Briggs (5) stkelly: Briggs (6) mgr1037: Briggs (7) Alf: Briggs (8) Shorty: Briggs (9) What a romper room! Oh, Mr. Briggs? Where are you? Come here Mr. Briggs! Come to Coach Blitz! Be a nice boy and show me your Manage Player button. That's right. Hold it out where I can see it. This will only hurt for a second. Trust me. Let me think. I would really like to make you a lineman, but you aren't fat enough for me to do that. And we already have an army of linebackers. Humm. Oh, I see, here it is! How do YOU spell fullback, Mr. Briggs? f-u-double l-b-a-c-k? No, no no. Silly boy. Fullback is spelled b-r-i-g-g-s... The new and improved Mr. Briggs: Run Blocking: 0/15 Short Yardage: 5/78 Third Down Running: 70 Yards per Carry: 6/81 Avoids Drops: 0/15 Catch Frequency: 0/15 Third Down Catching: 0 Avoids Fumbles: 87 Endurance: 100 Special Teams: 0 Damn! He is not a complete loser! What happened? He had a scramble ability of only 13? How did this happen? Oh, wait. On second thought, I guess it's not too bad. 0/15 blocking is not going to get him far. And with 10% film, 10% study, and 10% practice, I bet we don't see much improvement out of Mr. Briggs. This will also prevent a walk-on at fullback so there are other benefits too. Plus we get to watch Briggs bang into linebackers for three years! Maybe we could have another contest to guess how many games he lasts before he gets hurt? Anyway, that was fun! Thank you so much to everyone who participated this year! You are truly the poop faithful if you are showing up here despite the now 11-game winning streak. We won't forget you at the ultimate victory parade! But I'm excited! We came so close to ending the streak last week! And now, thanks to you, we are a step closer! I tell you, I feel it. I really feel it. We are almost there! This player change could be the straw that breaks the dam, the crack that breaks the camel's back. Let's go play with our new toys! |
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02-28-2003, 06:18 PM
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#25 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by Godzilla Blitz:
Week 2 The good news just keeps piling up. We have lost TE Wadd Farr, a starter and solid player, to appendicitis for 9 weeks. Wimp. We’ll miss you Wade. Make sure you completely heal before you come back, now, ya hear? Recruiting One thing I forgot to do in the excitement of the new season was to check our idolaters! These are the players that, by house rules, I MUST offer scholarships to. We are hoping for low numbers, low talent, and brains. Let’s see what we have this year. So far we have been lucky. I take a peek… Wow! These guys are doing my work for me! Only two DE’s! And get this! One of them is rated a 2 by my scout, the other gets a 10. These guys are middle of the road academically as well, so no pain there either. I tell you, things are starting to fall into place. The TCY gods are smiling on us now! One last word on recruiting before we get to the game. Some of you out there have voiced concern about walk-ons filling in holes in the roster, and we hear you. We are at present scanning the TCY globe to bring the worst running backs and tackles we can find out there to Notre Dame. The last thing we would want is some super spy back to walk on and ruin our plans. The Game #43 Purdue, oh how we love thee! You saved our season last year with your stunning victory. Heed our call for once again we need you. It has been an entire year since we last lost. Yes, one cycle of the sun around this planet since we last ended up on the low end of a final score. So we need you, O Team o’ Chicken, to whoop us silly again. Do it to us like you did a year ago! We know you have it in you! The Result Pop the champagne! The streak is over! I repeat! The steak is over! Purdue 21, Notre Dame 6! It was nip and tuck there for a while though. We had traded first halves of futility to enter halftime tied at 0-0. But on the opening drive of the second half, we picked off a Purdue pass and took it 80 yards for a TD to give us a 6-0 lead (Bart Cohen, our zero kicker, missed the extra point attempt). Oh no, I thought! But Purdue finally managed to put things together. They roared to life with three long second half drives that were more than we could handle! And you fans at home deserve a reward! Go treat yourselves to a new computer game! Briggs’ replacement, QB Barnes (9-22, 103 yards, 0 TD’s, 2 ints), was a bastion of failure! Look at those stats! You made it all happen! But the game ball, yes, the game ball, goes to someone who forced Barnes to go to the air in the first place. Starting RB Brock Gray (13 carries, 25 yards) was the key force behind our scoreless first half and our total of 8 first downs in the game. Play after play he ran into defenders and promptly fell down. This effort clearly earns him the Jerk Game Ball! Way to go Brockie!What a relief! And both 80,000 South Bend fans and regional tv got to see it all! That's got to put a happy skip in your step all day! Record: 1-1 Rank: 41! Well, that does it for today. Thanks again for tuning in. We’ll be back tomorrow for the Notre Dame-Michigan game. Although we don't want to take any opponent lightly, Michigan is ranked #10 and should just pummel us! Don’t miss the serious fun! Till then…GO IRISH! Yee-haw!!! |
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02-28-2003, 06:19 PM
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#26 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by Kodos:
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!The streak of horror has ended! Congratulations! 41! That's one-third of the way to 125! As Blue Oyster Cult once sang: "Go-Go-Godzilla!" As the Golden Helmets left the field, a small but vocal contingent could be heard to chant: "Brock! Brock! Brrrrrrock!!!!" |
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02-28-2003, 06:20 PM
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#27 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by Godzilla Blitz:
Kodos: It gets better... |
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02-28-2003, 06:20 PM
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#28 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by Godzilla Blitz:
Week 3 This is gonna be great. Simply great. Get this. We are Game of the Week! That’s right! The world will be watching this Saturday when we take on #10 Michigan! TV1. Numero Uno. Uksi. Ett. Ichi. Un. We have more injuries as well! Unfortunately, we lost one of our own; clueless sophomore TE Ferrari broke his ankle. Next year I think I will have to get coordinators that can prevent injuries so that we can keep our recruited wonders active. But there is help for us out there too. DT Shane Winslett, a pain-in-the-butt senior that has 2.5 sacks already, is down for seven weeks with a separated shoulder. That should help Michigan’s offense a bit! But we dally when we should tally. Let’s bring it on! The Game Not much more to be said. We should get absolutely destroyed. Michigan is a ten-point favorite, but we know better. The Result Ladies and Gentlemen, we have arrived… Box Score: Notre Dame at Michigan Our defense clearly played beyond our wildest expectations, and the Revrew New Baby Game Ball goes to a standout in today’s performance: Back up safety O.J. Murphy. Murph got in the game early after one of our starters got knocked out. In 32 running plays and 17 passes, Murph touched not a soul. Record 1-2. Rank #45 See you tomorrow for Utah State! |
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02-28-2003, 06:21 PM
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#29 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by revrew:
Snif...sniff...oh, it's a beautiful thing. Lovely. I'm just so choked up, I...I...I can't talk right now. God bless you, Taco Bell... |
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02-28-2003, 06:22 PM
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#30 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by digamma:
Hail, hail to Michigan!!!! The Domers still must get worse to get tackled by that Independent Conference schedule, though. |
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02-28-2003, 06:22 PM
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#31 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by Kodos:
Sniff-sniff-sniff. What's that awful stench? Oh. It's Notre Dame! Keep up the good work! Three years of toil are starting to pay off! God bless you! |
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02-28-2003, 06:24 PM
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#32 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by robbgmaier:
Originally posted by Godzilla Blitz: Week 3 4Q: 07:02 NODA - Bart Cohen 23 field goal. 4Q: 02:21 MICH - Marshall Gillooly 4 run. 4Q: 02:21 MICH - Dale Houghtlin extra point. Game MVP: MICH 35 Marshall Gillooly Notre Dame 0 0 0 3 - 3 Michigan 21 38 3 14 - 76 I thought the field goal at the end was a nice touch, something for the fans in the stadium and at home to cling to. As a former ND student who always routed against ND football, this whole thing is starting to get me a bit excited |
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02-28-2003, 06:26 PM
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#33 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by Kekkonen:
Ah, sometimes our merely mortal lives are touched by timeless, otherwordly beauty. All too often, however, our imperfect world introduces blemishes to this transcendental experience, as witnessed by... Originally posted by Godzilla Blitz: 4Q: 07:02 NODA - Bart Cohen 23 field goal. Sigh. Coach Blitz, your performance was simply brilliant against Michigan. Congratulations are in order, but why not introduce a new award category, the Fly-in-the-Ointment Game Ball, for guys who manage to spoil the perfection you worked so hard to accomplish with something totally pointless, such as a 23-yard field goal when you're already down by 69 points. |
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02-28-2003, 06:26 PM
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#34 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by Airhog:
I sure hope you hve a nice long career at nd Dont sink so fast they decide to replace you though |
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02-28-2003, 06:27 PM
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#35 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by Godzilla Blitz:
Revrew, Kodos, Digamma, Rob, Kekkonen, Airhog: Yes, it was definitely our high point so far, I will have to say! I only wish that you could have all watched in playout in realtime like I got to. I can't tell you how Pumped I was when the score was 59-0 at the HALF, and we had only one first down!!!! My cat, Kiki, thought I was a going insane, and I'm pretty sure my marriage would have been over if my wife had seen me dancing in front of the computer. Yes, it was a joyous day to remember. Especially coming after the horror that was last year. Kekkonen, Robb: For me, that late FG was a real bummer, I have to admit. Especially when for a while I was hoping that we would have no first downs for the day--perhaps the football equivalent of a perfect game? But I do agree we need to give the myrmidon Notre Dame fans something to show up for, and that FG would probably be enough for them to claim that Notre Dame should be #1 in the rankings. "Hey, why isn't Notre Dame #1? We got a field goal against Michigan." But I don't blame Cohen for the points. The culprit in this case takes us back in time to the 2001 Coach's Choice Position Change Player: Butch Landdeck. Remember him? The guy who kept mysteriously spraining his wrist after being made into a linebacker from QB? Well, it was him, damn him, that fell on a Michigan fumble in their territory that gave us the ball that set up the FG. So the "Corn in the Poop" Award would have to go to that loser, not Cohen who, judging by his kicking this year, is blind and kicks in random directions. But we dally in the past. The present is our only weapon to deal with the future, and if we mess with the past too much we miss the present and screw up the future. Huh? What could have been in that Raisin Bran I just ate? Let's try English now: Our job is not done by any means, and as Airhog and digamma point out, there are still perils aplenty ahead... |
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02-28-2003, 06:27 PM
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#36 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by Godzilla Blitz:
Weeks 4-6 We have a goofy schedule where we have three off weeks here. I give the guys a lot of time off to rest up for the next stretch in the schedule. The next five games will all be played against teams ranked 100 or worse. This is clearly the meat of our schedule. As Digmamma noted, getting routed by Michigan is one thing; accomplishing the same thing against Central Florida is where our real test lies. We cannot afford to get lacksadaisial. And I cannot spell it either. Grades come in during this time too. Wow! We are going to make some parents happy! The 35% study time has really helped. Apparently there is a correlation between study and grades! And how are our Rudy Scholars doing, you ask? Well, Mr. Gray’s (0 IQ/0 Asp) lowest grade is a C+. Mr. Chapman (0 IQ/0 Asp) is struggling a bit, but still well safe at a C- for a low. This improved academic performance has got to be the key to saving our job. I doubt, unless we were to pull off a streak of losses in the next five games, that we will hit bottom this year. The academic increase has got to help me keep me job for one more year. Just one more year. Recruiting One of our idolater DE’s jumps on board. Most everyone else out of the 16 scholarship offers we have out there is visiting, but, you guessed it: Our two Rudy Scholarship candidates are still trying to decide whether to visit or not. Simply amazing. |
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02-28-2003, 06:28 PM
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#37 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by Godzilla Blitz:
Week 7 Whoops! I made a Bozo no no. I read the ranking wrong! We are at #64! Silly me. I was reading the coaches’ rankings, which have us now at #40. But the overall ranking has us much further down the chart. We are over halfway!!!! And last year, we didn’t end up #2. We were #4. Silly me. If I only had a brain. Anyway, these intermediate numbers really are such meaningless trifle. Our focus is on the very bottom which, despite our consecutive losses and momentum, has to be a huge longshot this year. If we are to have any chance of hitting bottom this year, we will need to run the table in the next five games, all of them against the weak, bumbling opponents of the Independent League. The Game It starts with #114 Utah State. We are 14-point home favorites against this 1-3 team. A good test. Result Again, so close! We almost had them! We really tried hard though. Up 7-3 in the 3rd quarter, QB Barnes managed to fumble the ball deep in our territory to give Utah State a quick TD and a 10-7 lead. We traded punts for a bit then our offense put together a long drive. But RB Gray came through for us again, fumbling the ball on the Utah State 15 and killing that chance. But the gods were not with us today, because our lame kicker Bart Cohen managed a tying field goal with 2 minutes to go, and a winning one as time ran out. Final score Notre Dame 13, Utah State 10. Purely off record, as I wouldn’t want to be quoted on this, I am not that disappointed with our victory today. We played a lousy team close again, and it shows that the Louisiana-Monroe game was not a fluke. And as Airhog alluded, it is probably a good thing if we were to win 5-6 games this year. I know, I know. Blasphemy! Wash my mouth out with soap! But think about it. I might get fired if we were to lose 9 or 10 games, and I think even one win might be too much for us to achieve #125 in a given season. Since we can’t get the ultimate prize this year, ideally we want lose enough to drop way down in the coaches’ rankings, but not far enough so that we get fired. This is the set-up year. With a 5-6 season, we’ll be in perfect position. Then, next year, yes, next year, we strike for the ultimate prize! Patience, patience, patience. The HUGE question is whether a 5-6 or 6-5 season gets us fired at the end of the year. THAT is the fear that keeps me tossing in my sleep. Record 2-2, Rank #53 Tomorrow we’ll travel to #119 Navy. Another test; this one’s a notch further down the line. See you tomorrow! Till then, go support your Trojans! GO IRISH!!! Yee-haw!!! |
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02-28-2003, 06:28 PM
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#38 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by Godzilla Blitz:
Week 8 If you said four games until ex-QB now-FB Briggs got hurt, you were both right and wrong. Briggs did get banged up last game with some kind of an injury, but it wasn’t a big enough injury to show up on the injury list this week. So close, but Briggs keeps on going. Gotta love the kid’s determination. Speaking of injuries, somewhere in that game last week, stud guard Bruce Fisher broke his clavicle. This takes him out of the picture for the rest of the year. Ouch, bet that hurts. I thought this might be a good chance to go back and take a quick look back at some of the “PCP’s” (position change players) from the first two year’s and update you on how they are doing now: 2001 Coach’s Choice: ILB Butch Landdeck (formerly a talented QB) The AI made Butch a starting linebacker the year we moved him. That year in 8 games at the high-tackle position, he only made 22 for a team-low 5.5 tackle percentage, and was awarded the MVL award for his outstanding futility. This was despite playing with repeated, mysterious wrist strains. Now a senior in his last year, Landdeck occasionally plays as a backup, but has only made 6 tackles in the past two years. His girlfriend, Julie, is a real bowser. Just had to take that shot since Landdeck is the guy that ruined our shutout against Michigan. 2001 People’s Choice: Punter Don Stephens (formerly a stud ILB) Poor Don. We fooled the AI into making him the punter in 2001, where he played a key role in our 4 losses that year with some awesome shanked punts. Since that time, this potential 1st round draft pick has not set a foot on the field. Not one play! Isn’t that just a shame? Bring a tear to your eye? This is now his last year, and Don tells me his is thinking of constuction as a career choice now that his NFL chances are over. 2002 Coach’s Choice: QB Wendell Goodwin (formerly a monster DE) How much of his success was due to the outstanding WR’s on last year’s team will forever be debated in the barrooms of South Bend. In any case, clearly our worst position change choice to date. Wendell almost got the Darkside Award that year, and was a key factor in our team’s sickening rise to the top of the college world. 2002 People’s Choice: OLB Donovan Eggers (formerly a high potential QB) A long-term move, Donovan was a backup QB with a huge upside. The move didn’t hurt the team much that year, as QB Goodwin was healthy the whole year, but NBC analyst Kent Chugummenwok sums it up best: “It goes a long way in showing how dedicated and intelligent your fan base is when they are smart enough to sacrifice the present and remove a player from the lineup who would cost you defeats two years down the line. Without this move, QB Barnes would be the QB this year, and the team would be much stronger. Brilliant move. No other team’s fan base would have been able to see that.” Eggers has seen limited action at OLB in the past two seasons, where he has 7 tackles in over 130 plays on the field, for a measly 4.8 tackle percentage. But he has seen extensive action as the team’s towel boy. Unconfirmed rumor has it that he just built a fire in his dorm room and burned his Green Bay Packer’s team poster, cap, and sweatshirt. “Coach Sherman visited me as a freshman and said that the Packers wanted me badly. All year long they kept calling me. Since I have been made towel boy..I mean, OLB…I have only gotten one call about football. That was from Bounty. They wanted to know if I would be a poster boy for their next campaign. I was supposed run onto the field, wipe up vomit, then say ‘I’m the quicker picker upper.’ Coach Blitz thought it would be good for me, but I just couldn’t do it. I am so depressed. Wanna play catch?” The Game #119. Navy. We are approaching the pinnacle. I am not sure we are at Navy’s level yet, but it would be nice to give them a good game, at least. It would be an amazing upset if we could pull off a defeat though. The Result Yahoo! Navy 19, Notre Dame 17!!!! Score another one for the good guys! For the most part, we played a straight up, even game with the Midshipmen. The difference hinged on three crucial plays. First, QB Barnes fumbled on our own nine-yard line to give Navy a gift seven points. Second and third, K Bart Cohen missed two easy field goals in the 4th quarter, either of which would have made the difference in the game. Bart also managed to consistently hit short kickoffs that gave Navy great opening field position. Since Barnes other stats weren’t horrible, we award the IMetTrentGreen game ball to Bart who, except for a brief moment of coordination last week, has also been a key factor in our impotence this season. Way to go Barty! Welcome to the club! We love ya! On a negative note, something has definitely gone wrong with Mr. Gray. Today he rushed for 160 yards and a TD on 19 carries! Yikes! No more Candy for him! Bad boy! We'll have to keep an eye on him. Nevertheless, we are definitely seeing signs of improvement. Losing to the #119 team in the nation has to rate up there with our thrashing at the hands of Michigan. Another huge step forward towards futility. Record 2-3 Rank #66 Thanks for stopping by. Be sure to stop in tomorrow as #97 South Florida comes to town! Till then, Go Irish!!! Yee-haw!!!! |
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02-28-2003, 06:29 PM
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#39 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by Godzilla Blitz:
Week 9 Maybe I’m jumping the gun here, but I am already looking towards next year a bit, and one thing that I noticed on our roster is that there are still going to be over 10 solid players. This could present problems, but I guess there is nothing we can do now about it. We can get two of them with position changes, and maybe, if we do the fool the AI thingie right, we can get them to start ahead of two other good players, but that still leaves more than a half dozen solid players on the team. No idea if that is too many. Oh, well, time will tell. That is, if we don’t get fired at the end of this year. Recruiting Our two idolater defensive ends jump on board and we have the beginnings of another phenomenal recruiting class. The Game #97 South Florida comes to South Bend. Fresh off our clutch defeat last week, I am hoping we don’t get too complacent. We are 8-point favorites. Let’s go team! The Result The beat goes on! South Florida 51, Notre Dame 7!!!!! Yowza! We continue to exceed expectations. Today was simply the best performance to date for our team. We worked like clockwork. Totally ineffective on offense, our punter Mr. Hendrick would then boom a 20-yard kick that would give South Florida the ball on our 40-yard line. From there they had only a short march for points, which they managed to do repeatedly in the first half. But the star of the show was our QB, Mr. Barnes. Barnes (4-16, 26 yards, 0 TD’s, 1 int) was so bad that the AI pulled him right at the start of the 3rd quarter. And Barnes managed to take us out of the game almost immediately; on our first play from scrimmage he tossed an interception to give South Florida the ball on our 10-yard line. Game Ball, you query? Why of course! Mr. Barnes is the clear choice for the Kodos Gatesville Game Ball! Way to go Barnesy! The Kekkonen Corn in the Poop distinction, given to the player that screws up a perfect game by doing something stupid, goes to RB Percy Anderson (switched from LB because of roster problems). Anderson’s 46-yard TD run in the second half was the only respectable offensive play we had all day, and unfortunately it ruined our perfect score. Bad Percy. For punishment, Percy will be locked in a closet for one week with nothing except the Notre Dame cheerleaders yearbook. I know! This may be too cruel, but we must crank things up a notch if we are going to be the best. Record 2-4 Rank #72! Well, it’s been another fine day here on the South Bend campus. It could be just me, but the birds seem to be singing just a bit more beautifully these days. Thanks again for tuning in. We’ll see you tomorrow for our road trip to #87 Troy State. Notre Dame losing to Troy State? Could this be? It just goes to show you where you can go in life if you dream big! Visualize and it will be yours! Go Irish!!! Yee-haw!!! |
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02-28-2003, 06:30 PM
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#40 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by Godzilla Blitz:
Week 10 News Flash! Appendicitus outbreak! Senior LB Frenando Wallace has caught the disease from TE Wade Farr. Yikes! Who will be next? This stuff spreads like wildfire! Wallace will miss the rest of the season. Bye bye. And congrats to all you who said “6 weeks” in the “Guess When ex-QB now-FB Briggs will Get Hurt” contest. Yes, that’s right. Briggs got his bells rung last week against that powerhouse South Florida. He is listed as out for 4 weeks with a concussion. Impressive that the 6-1, 214 lb. FB made it a long as he did. Outside of the injury update, this week is silent on campus. We have the week off to celebrate our two consecutive defeats and will return to action next week against Troy State. I spend the week flying around the US spending Notre Dame’s money. |
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02-28-2003, 06:31 PM
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#41 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by Godzilla Blitz:
Week 11 We’ve landed another fine recruit today! Please welcome the Notre Dame quarterback of the future, Mr. Herb Scwartz from Lee HS in Baytown, Texas. Just check out these high school stats: Through 9 games, passing: 40-129 (31%), 266 yards, 2.06yd/att, 0 TD’s, 3 interceptions. Or how about running: 143 carries, 408 yards, 2.85 yd/att., 3 TD’s. Don’t anyone tell me I don’t know talent when I see it! Elsewhere, our two Rudy Scholarship Candidates for this year have decided to visit the campus! This year’s competition could go down to the wire! The Game Well, regardless of whether we reach #125 or not, we can take some satisfaction that Notre Dame is a 2-point underdog to Troy State. Yes. I repeat. Notre Dame is a 2-point underdog to Troy State. Depressed with work? Say that five times, nice and slow, letting the vowels roll over your tongue. Just can’t help feel better, can you now? Let’s get it on!!! Going for three in a row! The Result This is getting so very sweet: Troy State 45, Notre Dame 3! We got crushed. Simply put, we are clicking on all cylinders. Every aspect of our game is just awful. Some of the highlight performers: Barnes (8-24, 95 yards, 2 ints), WR Linville (3 catches, 2 fumbles), RB Gray (46 yards). This juggernaut of defeat that is Notre Dame just keeps rolling along. Today's game ball goes to a consistent performer who has played a key role in our remarkable turnaround this year. Punter Hendrick has regularly given opponents a short field to work with, and today was no exception. Punting 8 times for a 28-yard average, Hendrick made Troy State’s job 15 yards easier on every scoring drive. So here you are, Heddy, the Alf Game Ball!!! Once again perfection eluded us though. I refer to the 3 points we got. Jr. DE Bryan John gets the blame for this one. It was his block of a Troy State punt that set us up with good field position deep in Troy State territory. Close enough that even K Cohen couldn’t miss. Bad John. For that blockhead move, John gets a Corn in the Poop Distinction. For punishment, John will be locked in his dorm room and forced to repeatedly watch the tape of the Dallas-Washington Monday night football game from a couple of weeks ago. Ew! Too harsh? Sorry. I’m pissed. Afterall, this is not a game; this is football. Record 2-5! Rank #87!!! Well, three losses in a row against cruddy teams has our team on a delicious downward dive! But we’ll need all the momentum we can get, for tomorrow Notre Dame football takes on our biggest challenge yet, #124 (1-8) Central Florida! See you then, as the “Set-up Season” continues! GO IRISH!!! Yee-haw!!! |
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02-28-2003, 06:32 PM
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#42 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by Godzilla Blitz:
ESPN News Flash!!!!! Good Evening. Welcome to Sports Center. I’m Doug Ahol, filling in for the other guys. Tonight, we’ll go right to our top story: A scandal at one of America’s most haloed academic institutions, The University of Notre Dame. ESPN sources today discovered postings reputedly by Godzilla Blitz, head coach and GM of the Fighting Irish, on a website called FOF Central. These posts give strong indication that Blitz is actually trying to destroy the Notre Dame football program. The evidence is remarkable: Blitz quotes about joyously finding the worst recruits in America, reveling in player injuries, and rewarding players with game balls when they play a critical roll in the team’s defeats. Could this be true? Well, ESPN contacted Blitz this afternoon, and he consented to an interview. We take you now to South Bend, Indiana, for this exclusive live interview with EPSN’s Bibi Gunn. Bibi…? Bibi: Evening, Doug. We’re here outside the Notre Dame locker room with Coach Blitz of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish. Mr. Blitz, could we get your immediate reaction to today’s story? Godzilla Blitz: Absolutely no truth to it, Bibi. I had one of our assistant’s pull up the site for me today, Bibi, and I tell you, I have never had sexual relations with that woman. Bibi: Excuse me, Mr. Blitz? Godzilla Blitz: It depends on how you define sex, Bibi. Bibi: Mr. Blitz, I’m talking about the website where you reportedly brag about your success in destroying the Notre Dame football program. Godzilla Blitz: Oh. That website. Absolutely not true either, Bibi. The Godzilla Blitz there is obviously some deranged imposter. I love Notre Dame football. Look at the success we have had over the past two years! Bibi: But the site contains information on targeted recruits that Notre Dame later signed. The information was posted well before Notre Dame signed the recruit. How could that information have leaked to some imposter? Godzilla Blitz: For one thing Bibi, there are only 3,000 high school seniors in the US, and it is no secret, despite what you say, who we target in our recruiting. You can see it right in the “Visit Summary” screen. Also, with computers today, you can easily change the dates to make it appear that the postings were before the time they were really posted. Bibi: Well, how about the accusations that in two years of recruiting, no other college has targeted any of the 32 recruits that you have brought to Notre Dame, and that in one case the recruit has never played football. Godzilla Blitz: Bibi, ask any US citizen who has a pulse what school has the best football program in the nation and they will tell you Notre Dame. We are God’s chosen institution, with more national championships than the damn Yankees. When we recruit a student, it would be simply natural that all other teams give up. They know they can’t compete with us. As for the kid who never played football, the Notre Dame magic will take care of him. There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Notre Dame way. Bibi: Well, how do you explain that for two year’s in a row, your recruiting class has been ranked #125 by the “Past Rankings” command? Godzilla Blitz: Remember, Bibi, this is Gindinland. This is not the real NCAA. Are you telling me that Gindin knows more about evaluating high school talent than me, the head coach at the finest institution in the US? And it’s no secret that Gindin hates our program. Look at the horseshit division he put us in. You know he’s laughing his way to sleep every night when he thinks of Notre Dame fans playing the likes of Central Florida and Troy State every year for hundreds of years. But anyway, Bibi, look at our success, will you? How could anyone possibly think that I am trying to destroy the program when we finished first in the nation last year? Bibi: You finished fourth, Mr. Blitz. Godzilla Blitz: Not here at Notre Dame, we didn’t. Bibi: The university board of regents, Mr. Blitz, has recently opened an inquiry into your performance since your hiring three years ago. I spoke with Mr. Hedd Honcho, the director, and he said they were looking into the players that have had their positions switched over the past couple of years. He said there were some highly dubious moves. In particular, linebacker Don Stephens was considered a pro prospect of the highest regard, and since you made him a punter, he has not set a foot on the field for his entire junior and senior years. Godzilla Blitz: All punters have strong legs. Don has strong legs, Bibi. Therefore Don should be a punter. You ever take a basic logic class, Bibi? Bibi: But Don was a terrible punter. He is so bad that your assistants refuse to play him. If that’s the case, why haven’t you switched him back to linebacker since you no longer use him at punter? Godzilla Blitz: Well, for one thing, Bibi, you can never have enough punters. Why, I remember back in the Nam, we lost three guys in one day. Charlie got ‘em just like that. And don’t let anyone tell you that football isn’t war, Bibi, cuz it is. War. Bang bang, you dead. Also, research shows that the defining characteristic of good leadership is fast, powerful, and final decisions. Never look back, and never change a decision. Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!!! Go Irish!!!! Bibi: Mr. Blitz, you just lost games to Navy 19-17, Troy State 45-3, and South Florida 51-7. All of these programs are in the bottom of the nation’s rankings. How do you explain that? Godzilla Blitz: Well, Bibi, we are obviously in a rebuilding year. We graduated a lot of seniors last year and we’ve got a lot of talent that needs to season. You just wait till next year, you’ll see. We’ll be right back up there at number one again. Trust me! Bibi: Do you have any comment on the rumors that you will be fired at the end of this season unless you can turn it around in the team’s last four games? Godzilla Blitz: Samurai never glance where they do not want to go. I’ll do my best Bibi, and I can’t worry about the other stuff. I don’t think it’ll happen though. Remember, this is Gindinland, and you just never can be sure when you’ll get fired, when you’ll get hired, and how many phone calls is enough. All you can be sure of is that you’ll live forever, or at least until your computer crashes and you lose your registration slip. Gotta run! Thanks! (walks away down hallway) Bibi: This is Bibi Gunn, live from South Bend. Back to you, Doug… Godzilla Blitz: (fading, muffled laughter) |
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02-28-2003, 06:33 PM
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#43 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by Kodos:
Way to handle that sassy, man-hating reporter! Good job! And congrats on what is becoming a season to remember! What's a South Bend chicken say before you cut off it's head? "Brock! Brock! Brrrrrock!!!" Kodos out! |
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02-28-2003, 06:33 PM
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#44 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by Kekkonen:
Dear Coach Blitz, Nice going. Very nice. I must say, though, that I'm a bit concerned about your future QB, Mr. Schwartz. He is obviously illiterate when it comes to reading defenses, and he seems to have the arm of a 8-year old girl. This is reassuring. However, his 3 rushing touchdowns do seem to indicate some sort of athletic ability residing under that almost perfectly talentless exterior. Maybe it would be a good idea to let the ND Medical School use him in their class "Creative Knee-Operations 101". |
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02-28-2003, 06:34 PM
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#45 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by Vaj:
Yeah, and only 3 picks in 129 attempts. I'm sure there are some brighter "gems" out there. But what do I know? I never got crushed by Troy State |
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02-28-2003, 06:34 PM
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#46 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by Aubie3020:
Dear Mr. Blitz, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! I've been reading these since you started posting and that last one was a real hoot! Living over here in Japan, I got 2 co-workers hooked on reading your stuff by printing uit out each week and making copies! Nothing thrills me more than seeing Notre Dame venturing boldly into unknown teritory with brave faces and athletes that can live their college dream. The campus will surely be over joyed with this proud mission to boldly go where no Notre Dame has gone before. To seek out to new records. To seek out bright (bright?) high school athletes brave enough to endure pain to gain life experience. The campus students will surely blanket the quad with stream(er)s of golden yellow. The pulitzer prize will surely be yours as well as some sort of award on the Espys. Bob |
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02-28-2003, 06:35 PM
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#47 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by Gemmell:
Congrats on your great season so far. I have been reading from the beginning and thought it would take much longer to right this ship. But you have done great so far and future looks really promising. Your thread is one of the most enjoyable things I read at work everyday. I knew you would be worse this year but getting thumped 50-7 or whatever the scores have been vs Troy State and Central Florida is amazing. |
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02-28-2003, 06:35 PM
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#48 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by Godzilla Blitz:
Kodos: Yeah, that interview was tricky. They are catching on to us; I am not sure how much time we may have left. We’ll need at least one more year, but with ESPN on our tail, I’m not sure if we’ll get it. They are nosey little devils. Kekkonen, Vaj: Yeah, I can see your points. If we get another year, maybe I could make it a point to seek out the worst set of stats I can find for a new QB? What could we call it? The Ryan Leaf Scholarship? The Quincy Carter Scholarship? But do consider that Schwartz is just raw talent. We can make him much better with our practice regimen! I think also that part of the problem with the interceptions may be that he can’t throw the ball far enough for anyone to catch it. With improved arm strength we should be able to increase those interceptions dramatically! Aubie: Arigatou gozaimashita! Nihon no doko ni sundeimasu ka? Boku wa sannenhan gurai Kyoto ni sudeite, Nihon no koto ga kekkou suki desu. Aubie-san mo tomodachi mo kono hanashi ga suki de, watashi wa ureshii desu! Notre Dame, ganbare!!! Gemmel: Glad you like it! As always, a lot of things has to go right for things to turn out well. I think the 9 players out with academic problems, the large senior class that graduated, the lack of a quarterback or running back, and the reduced practice time have got to be the main factors. We also have had, and keep getting, key injuries to help us along. These injuries have a bigger hit on our play this year because the bench is now laden with “my guys”. But I too am surprised at how quickly we have been able to reach the level of play we have long aspired to. I really thought our lines were good enough to win us a chunk of games, and we have scattered talent at a lot of other positions. Be interesting to see how we do today, against #124 Central Florida… |
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02-28-2003, 06:36 PM
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#49 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by Godzilla Blitz:
Week 12 Wow! That interview was a surprise. Wonder who tipped them off. This could be a close call. The more we lose, the more suspicious they get, and the more I get concerned about losing my job at the end of the season. As much as I hate to say it, it might be nice to win a game or two here in the home stretch to save my job. Even that may not help. Our fate in largely in the hands of Buddha now, as we have played most of our cards. In other news, we now have 6 players listed as “out” for this week’s game. Most of them are starters with lots of talent. These poor injury ratings for our coordinators are starting to pay off. Recruiting Our recruiting class blossoms to five players, but still no movement from the Rudy Scholarship potentials, Mr. Neely and Mr. Sherman. The Game #124 Central Florida! Only Central Michigan is worse. This has to be considered our first big game: our first legitimate chance to dance with the lowlife of college football and come out on the losing end of things. We stand at 2-5; they are 1-8. Can we do it? The Result Oh, so close again! We were down 21-13 late in the 4th quarter when we put together a lighting fast drive capped by a Barnes-Linville TD pass, and then converted to tie the game 21-21 with 3 minutes to go. Central Florida followed with a play stolen from our book, as they stalled on the next drive and followed it with a 22-yard punt which gave us the ball on their 35. A couple of plays later, FB Briggs, yes concussion-ridden Briggs, rumbled 25 yards for a game-winning TD. The bastard. Final score: Notre Dame 28, Central Florida 21. As awful as this sounds, I am actually ok with the loss here. My sleep is haunted by nightmares of getting the axe at the end of the year. I have to believe three or four wins would be a much safer place to be than 2-9. And again, we were so very close to losing today that I have to believe we can get there next year. We are knocking on the door! Knock, knock, last place! We’re coming on down! Make room at the bottom of the pile for Notre Dame University!!!!!!! Record: 3-5, Rank #76 Well, that does it for today! Tomorrow we’ll head east to play #102 (3-6) Connecticut. This could be the last victory we would have to endure, as we follow with #41 BC, and #17 Penn State. Those should be two fun games to watch!!!! See you tomorrow! GO IRISH!!! Yee-haw!!! |
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02-28-2003, 06:37 PM
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#50 |
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H.S. Freshman Team
Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally posted by Kodos:
Originally posted by Godzilla Blitz: Kekkonen, Vaj: Yeah, I can see your points. If we get another year, maybe I could make it a point to seek out the worst set of stats I can find for a new QB? What could we call it? The Ryan Leaf Scholarship? The Quincy Carter Scholarship?… -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I think it should be called the Jerry Jones Scholarship, since only Jerry has the terrific football instincts to have BOTH of these guys on his team. The guy is a football wizard! Just my 2 cents (Canadian)! |
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