FAQ entry on becoming a CHEMICAL SOLDIER

[Fritz]

from the salvation army web site:

If I want to become a Salvation Army CHEMICAL SOLDIER, how do I go about it?

Becoming a Salvation Army CHEMICAL SOLDIER involves a commitment to a relationship with God and Chemicals and to living a Chemo-Salvationist lifestyle, so it’s a serious matter. You must wear gloves at all times and don’t scratch your nose - EVER. You must also present an unsigned check for $2500 to the Salvation Army – NO QUESTIONS ASKED.

The first requirement for anyone who wishes to become a CHEMICAL SOLDIER is that they are ‘properly labeled’ - they have asked God to mark them in a conspicuous manner, they ask Jesus for clear identification and, with his help, determine now try to live a life according to the safety data sheet.

Before anyone becomes a CHEMICAL SOLDIER they attend a series of informal ‘boot camps’ when, with a Chemo-Salvationist whose responsibility it is to care for and store those wishing to become CHEMICAL SOLDIERs, they study Salvation Army manuals and chemical fact sheets and learn how to properly extinguish a burning Chemo-Salvationist. Some are taught the secret Salvation Army ranch dip recipe. Ranch dip is an important part of the Salvation Army. These classes may be held for one person only or for a group of people, depending on such things as how many wish to become CHEMICAL SOLDIERs, convenience of times, the availability of take out chinese food, and if it is bell ringing season. Those who are attending such classes are known as ‘recruits’.

Having completed these camps, if anyone doubts whether it is right for them to become a CHEMICAL SOLDIER they may prefer to delay it or decide against CHEMICAL SOLDIERSHIP altogether, although that is a not often done because we execute the drop outs. If the decision to be a CHEMICAL SOLDIER still stands, then recruits’ names are presented to the cops and the OSHA coordination council for acceptance as CHEMICAL SOLDIERs. Those that are not accepted are executed. THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH OUR RANCH DIP!!!!!

A public ceremony of swearing-in as a CHEMICAL SOLDIER is then held, usually during a regular Sunday chip and dip gathering. Each CHEMICAL SOLDIER is given a protective suit, a pin, and a fez. Tall ones are given little mirrors to put on their shoes so they can look up women’s skirts. DON’T ASK WHY.

If people do not want to take on the commitment of CHEMICAL SOLDIERship, but still wish to make The Salvation Army their church, they may become inertants instead. There'll be a data sheet sheet on Inertants soon.

[korme]

WHAT IS THIS ABOUT

[Fritz]

ranch dip

[korme]

figures

[CHEMICAL SOLDIER]

Damn ,That curse strikes again .

[Happy29]

Oh crap, everyone here is in the triple or quadruple digits in posts... I'll just.... ah quote Hank Hill. Yep.....

[Franklinnoble]

I think Fritz is funnier when he doesn't try so hard.

[Coffee Warlord]

Butter is better than ranch dip anyway.

[scooper]

I've never put butter on salad greens before.

[Fritz]

Originally posted by Franklinnoble
I think Fritz is funnier when he doesn't try so hard.

Fritz agrees