ZFL Season 5 begins!

[revrew]

Season 5 Schedule
* Must-see matchups in bold

Week 1:
FG vs EP
SA vs CH - The battle for #2 in week 1?
LA vs BH
PT vs AQ
LR vs CN
KX vs MW

Week 2:
LR vs EP
PT vs KX
LA vs MW
SA vs CN
FG vs AQ
CH vs BH

Week 3:
KX vs EP
LR vs MW
PT vs CN
LA vs AQ
SA vs BH
FG vs CH

Week 4:
AQ vs EP
BH vs CN
CH vs MW - Testing the Muscle Men's Mettle
FG vs KX
SA vs LR
LA vs PT

Week 5:
PT vs EP - Are the Busters ready to play?
LR vs LA
KX vs SA - Contenders collide
MW vs FG
CN vs CH
AQ vs BH

Week 6:
CH vs EP
FG vs BH
SA vs AQ - This one's always close
LA vs CN
PT vs MW
LR vs KX

Week 7:
SA vs EP
LA vs FG
PT vs CH
LR vs BH
KX vs AQ - QB Wars
MW vs CN

Week 8:
LA vs EP
PT vs SA
LR vs FG
KX vs CH
MW vs BH - Deciding the middle ground
CN vs AQ

Week 9:
CN vs EP
MW vs AQ
KX vs BH
LR vs CH
PT vs FG
LA vs SA - Is this the championship?

Week 10:
MW vs EP
KX vs CN
LR vs AQ
PT vs BH
LA vs CH - Or this?
SA vs FG

Week 11:
BH vs EP
CH vs AQ - Or this?
FG vs CN
SA vs MW
LA vs KX - And you know this game will mean something.
PT vs LR

[revrew]

Schlereth's 2005 Picks
*The predictions and opinions presented by Mark Schlereth do not necessarily reflect the predictions and opinions of the FOFC, the ZFL, ZFL general managers, or the commissioner.

Los Angeles: 10-1"The defense goes all the way this year, and with those two OTs blocking for a beefed up passing game and a rookie sensation at runningback, the only ingredient missing for an undefeated season is a star QB."
San Antonio: 10-1"You heard it here first: Los Angeles no longer has the best defense in the ZFL. If San Antonio had any kind of passing attack at all, the Margaritas would be the champs instead of L.A."
Chicago: 8-3"The Eagle offense will not stop. But picking last in the draft has pushed Chicago back down into the pack."
Knoxville: 8-3"Rookie CB Deion Jackson should help the Redneck's ailing defense, and the offense should continue to rock. Knoxville is a bit of a wild card that could push for title contention."
Albuquerque: 7-4"The Isotopes are a better team than last year after this draft, but I thought they overachieved last season. I don't think Capital City Goofball can do it again. However, with Sizzlack, AQ could surprise many and win it all."
Milwaukee: 7-4"Injuries have slowed the Muscle Men's progress, but the Milwaukee D is starting to look intimidating."
Birmingham: 6-5"The Olympians will be feisty. I don't think the former champs are happy about dropping back to the middle of the pack, but I don't think they're ready to rise up, either."
El Paso: 4-7"Perhaps it's still a bit early, but the Busters are going to make a rise. And it won't be a slow ascent. QB Ryan Leaf might be the most underestimated QB in the league. With a little more protection, maybe a WR or two, he could general this defense-studded team to great things. Wait a minute, the Busters drafted an OT and WR. Watch out, league."
Portland: 4-7"The Sea Biscuits are stumbling right now, but Paddy O and what may be the best WR tandem in the league should keep Portland out of the basement."
Little Rock:3-8"The Slick Willies are also a team rising, though gradually. I really like their rookie DT, and Rajah looks prepped for another great year."
Fargo: 2-9"Fargo continues to struggle on draft day, making their climb out of the league's cellar that much slower."
Cicinnati: 0-11"Don't get me wrong--they had a great draft. Though I don't know why they went with OLB instead of a direly needed MLB. The Chaps are laying a foundation for great years to come. Just give it a while."

[revrew]

The other "experts" pick:

Dan Patrick:
Champion: "Chicago - The champs are still the champs until they're beat."
Upstart: "Milwaukee - With Bullseye set to retire, the Muscle Men reclaim the beach."
MVP: "HB Randy Steele, Chicago."
Rookie to watch: "CB Patrick Surtain, MW"

Ron Jaworski:
Champion: "L.A. - The Stars are due."
Upstart: "Albuquerque - Last year was no fluke."
MVP: "QB Moe Sizzlack, AQ - He's the best flamethrower in the ZFL."
Rookie to watch: "DT Henry Blitzen, LR"

Merril Hodge:
Champion: "Knoxville - Last year's rookies translate into this year's champs."
Upstart: "El Paso - Ryan Leaf is going to surprise people."
MVP: "QB Thumbless Jackson, KX"
Rookie to watch: "Knoxville's CB Deion Jackson is going to get some picks while other teams pass to catch up."

Terry Bradshaw:
Champion: "LA - Because defense wins championships."
Upstart: "Milwaukee - Same reason."
MVP: "QB Moe Sizzlack, AQ - Because QBs win MVP."
Rookie to watch: "HB Rodney Dangerfield, LA - lookin' fine in camp."

Howie Long:
Champion: "San Antonio - Defense is up, offensive line is awesome. M&M boys garner a title."
Upstart: "El Paso - They're too good for a second year squad."
MVP: "MLB Ray Lewis, SA - He's playing just as well as Brad Pitt, if not better."
Rookie to watch: "OG So and So, CN"

Michael Irvin:
Champion: "Knoxville - Aerial assault, baby!"
Upstart: "El Paso - Leaf to Carruth. I like it."
MVP: "JJ, WR, Knoxville"
Rookie to watch: "WR Rae Carruth, EP."

Tony Cornheiser:
Champion: "Albuquerque - Sizzlack goes all the way."
Upstart: "Birmingham - On the rebound"
MVP: "QB Moe Sizzlack, AQ"
Rookie to watch: "CB Patrick Surtain, MW"

Brawny Mike:
Champion: "L.A. - 11 games, 8 shutouts. Defense rules."
Upstart: "Milwaukee - Dan Marino, Jr. can push this team upward even more."
MVP: "MLB Brad Pitt, LA"
Rookie to watch: "CB Patrick Surtain, MW"

Scrawny Mike:
Champion: "L.A. - I also like the Stars. I think the O is going to surprise people."
Upstart: "Little Rock - Maybe not 9-2, but even 6-5 would be an upstart for the Willies."
MVP: "HB Rajah Saleem, LR - Time he gets some respect."
Rookie to watch: "DT Henry Blitzen, LR"

Denny Green:
Champion: "San Antonio - Too much runnin', too much defense."
Upstart: "El Paso - You know it."
MVP: "HB Mutt, San Antonio."
Rookie to watch: "WR Ashton Kucher, LA. He's gonna shock some people."

10-year-old Cody Turren from Bozeman, Montana:
Champion: "L.A. - Because Brad Pitt filmed a movie near here."
Upstart: "Birmingham - The former champs had an off year last year. They'll be back."
MVP: "MLB Brad Pitt, LA"
Rookie to watch: "DE The Answer, CH. Man, he's fast!"

[Coffee Warlord]

Die Schlereth. I'm sending Erik and his new buddy Herman the Hamster to beat you down.

Portland's tired of being a league whipping boy.

[tucker342]

I'm ready to prove the experts wrong! Bring on the season!!!

[sachmo71]

Awesome preseason coverage, Rev! Should be a fun season.

[Marmel]

That 10 year old is one smart kid!

[digamma]

Best pre-season coverage yet.

[revrew]

Last minute breaking news....

STRATFORD, IOWA - "As the ZFL moves toward kickoff, final roster cuts have come in to the league's central office; as have several retirement notices. Of particular note:

- San Antonio's all-star tackle, 38-year-old Lard Ass announced his retirement.

- Knoxville's all-star halfback and former ZFL rushing leader Robby 'Action' Jackson announced his retirement. Jackson is 35.

- Milwaukee has released cornerback JeeberD, thus freeing the current El Paso native to manage the El Paso Busters without conflict of interest.

- Fargo's former secondary of disrepute, Safety Burned Deep and Cornerback Burned Deeperer have been released. This follows Fargo's previous release of CB Burned Deeper, thus "deep"-sixing the entire crew."

[The Afoci]

At least the new guys are younger and in better shape to be burned deep and deeper longer than the last two. Damn my drafts struggle.

[Coffee Warlord]

And Antonio De La Tonio returns for yet another season of pounding!

[Coffee Warlord]

Dola.

Question for you rev. Are there hard caps on player's level of improvement, or is it all a matter of chance?

[revrew]

Originally posted by Coffee Warlord
Dola.

Question for you rev. Are there hard caps on player's level of improvement, or is it all a matter of chance?

Great question! At first, I thought I would limit it. "A player can only achieve a 15 rating." But the first player to challenge that was an offensive lineman. So I decided....nah, we'll let him go. The highest a player could possibly achieve is an 18, but that's highly unlikely. We have a player in the league that is a 17. If a QB ever reaches that high, I might have to reconsider. But for the time being, I've set no cap beyond what is mathmatically possible.

The only "cap", so to speak, on player improvement is set by their age. Once a player reaches a certain age, I stop drawing the rook cards for improvement. They are considered "at their peak". That peak period lasts several years, then I start drawing for their decline.

[Marmel]

I have the following players available for trade.

Name your price:

30 C Adam Sandler-HB
23 C+ Arnold Schwartzeneggar WR
24 C+ Jerry Seinfeld HB

In particular, Arnold and Jerry are both still very young and should be able to hit the B- -> B area by the time they hit their peak playing days.
Adam Sandler will come pretty cheap since he is 30 years old already.

[revrew]

Because the season is about to start, I'll make an exception to my usual "no interference" rule. Portland, El Paso, you may want to consider Seinfeld. As for WR Arnold "The Governor" Schwarzeneggar, there may be several teams interested. But warning, Marmel, these players won't offer much of an upgrade for anybody. A minimal upgrade at best.

We now return to our regularly scheduled broadcast...

[JeeberD]

Awesome pre-season coverage. Merrill, Howie, Mikey, and Denny are now my favorite sportscasters...

Let's get this season going!

[revrew]

Look for week 1 results to go up later today (read: shameless bump so I can find this thread when I have to cut and paste later). Methinks we may have a season full of surprises. And holy $%#* does the Margarita defense look frightening...

But then again, will ANYONE be able to stop Moe Sizzlack? Look for all passing records to fall again at the hands of 'Kid Gruesome'.

The cuts are all in, I believe, so any trading that will affect starting lineups needs to be done quickly. I've never set a trading deadline before, but I am going to arbitrarily state that week 3 is the deadline. When I post week 4's results, it's over -- all further trading must be reserved for the offseason.

[revrew]

Week 1 results

"The kickoff for season 5 of the ZFL began in Title-town, as the mighty Margaritas rolled into Chicago, home of the two-time ZFL champs.

What the game lacked in fireworks, however, it made up for in awesome defensive play. For the Eagles, rookie DE The Answer matched up with San Antonio's rookie OT Alys Liston TwoRev, and the defense won the day. Answer beat Alys around the corner often, and recorded 2.5 sacks.

But when you talk about defensive rookies, you must mention Margarita DT monster, Aragorn. The rookie rolled over Eagle OG Mark Sheet, stuffing Randy Steele in the backfield 3 times. And with DEs All Pro and Ray O.Light on the outside, the best defensive line in all of football blew up the former champs, demolishing the heralded offense. Randy Steele was stopped in the backfield 8 times, was held to fewer than 80 yards rushing, and Mike 'Air' Marino was sacked 5 times.

The Eagle offense went nowhere. Meanwhile, San Antonio wore down the clock with the M&M boys running behind one of the best offensive lines in football, and San Antonio make a BIG statement, pounding the Eagles, 21-0."

*****
"And speaking of big statements, what in the heck has happened in El Paso? The faltering Fargo 'Fish walked into Texas, and left beat up worse than the men guarding the Alamo.

The only offense Fargo managed to muster was Star HB Glutton for Punishment, who tallied 104 yards of combined offense and a score. But as El Paso's bash-backers, Brian Bosworth and Trev Alberts pounded Glutton, he coughed up the ball twice, one fumble recovered in the endzone by Buster DT Danny Noonan. Safety Patrick Bates grabbed a pair of INTs, and Fargo never recovered from the turnover deficit.

Meanwhile, the El Paso offense lit up the sky, scoring 21 points off turnovers to add to Noonan's 7. But even there, they didn't stop. QB Ryan Leaf threw for 330 yards and 3 TDs on the day, including 2 to rookie Rae 'I'm innocent!' Carruth. FB Powerhouse Rashaan Salaam pounded in two more TDs, one behind OG Eugene Chung, and one off rookie tackle Billy Milner.

El Paso opens up the floodgates and drowns the Crawfish, 42-7. Heads up, ZFL!"

*****
"Offense was all over the place in this week's games, but just as San Antonio put the D to Chicago, Los Angeles notched up the D against another former champ, Birmingham.

In fact, this game was all defense. For the Stars, DEs Robert DeNiro and Toby McGwire raced around the outside, and Brad Pitt fired up the middle, giving the Stars 6 total sacks. The secondary recorded 2 INTs, and the Birmingham passing game didn't manage 100 yards. League MVP Brad Pitt picked up where he left off, recording 1.5 sacks, 13 tackles, and 2 passes defended. The running game didn't go anywhere for the Olympians either.

But Birmingham brought their defense as well, and before San Antonio brags about having the best defensive line, they had better give some props to Birmingham. L.A.'s QB Bernie Mac was hurried 14 times, sacked 4 times, and thrice did BH DT Hera bat the pass back in Bernie's face. Nothing worked in the air, and there was no running up the middle against the BH DT powerpair, Hera and Maximillion Powers.

In fact, the only notable offense on the day was a well-timed draw as LA OT Freddie Prinze, Jr. sealed off the rushing BH DE Atlantis, freeing rookie HB Rodney Dangerfield to sprint through the gap, spin around aging OLB Arkantos, and streak 34 yards to the endzone. It would be the only score. L.A. 7-0."

*****
"But enough about defense. The Little Rock/Cinci game didn't feature any!

The Chaps had absolutely no answer for Rajah Saleem, as the streaking runner sliced open Cinci for 265 yards and 4 TDs. Fantasy MVP Saleem looks to make his owners deliriously happy again this year. Little Rock timed the play-action well also, and QB David Slinger had an efficient day: 15-21-199-1.

The Little Rock defense, however, struggled to slow down a freight train named Bubs. The Cinci halfback powered behind OGs Stinkoman and #1 draft choice So and So. Little Rock's less than stellar linebackers couldn't wrap up Bubs, and the Cinci back totalled 141 and 2. FB Pom Pom added another.

Other notable performance - former first rounder, LR CB Tommy 'TNT' Toothpick made good in his first start, grabbing an INT and defending a pair of passes.

Cinci showed some spunk, but the day belonged to Rajah. Little Rock wins, 35-21."

******
"Yet let's not crown the fantasy king just yet. Albuquerque's Moe Sizzlack will vie for that title. Against Portland, who is strong up the middle, but weak on the outside and in the secondary, Sizzlack was untouchable.

But first, let's talk Sea Biscuit. Portland's offense had a fair day, as Antonio De La Tonio (quite possibly the oldest HB ever) found enough room behind his stellar offensive line to grab another century game, 112 yards and a score. QB Paddy O played well at first, but had to play too much catchup at the end. Paddy's numbers: 25-48-301-1-2.

Portland's powerful DT duo, Colonel Joseph C. McCormick III and Captain Bipto put the brakes on Albuquerque's running game. But the Isotopes ran several roll-outs, bootlegs, and even an occasional option play to get to Portland's weak outside. Consequently, Moe Sizzlack threw for 501 yards. Yes. 501. And 4 touchdowns. Who is the fantasy god now?

Albuquerque flashed their MVP candidate, taking out Portland, 28-14."

*****
"ESPN chose to show Knoxville take on Milwaukee. And once again, the offenses flashed some muscle. These two teams seemed to pick up where they left off last year, Milwaukee punishing people with the run and Knoxville givin' the business every which way they can.

For the Rednecks, HB Leon Jackson found lots of room in the middle, waltzing behind OG powerhouse Fort Sumter Jackson and his counterpart, Lee Davis Jackson. Milwaukee's DTs looked helpless to stop the onslaught as Leon ran for 172 yards and a pair. Leon's running also helped the passing game. 'Thumbless' didn't put up big yards, but the play action netted him 3 TDs. JJ had a good day as well, garnering 94 yards and a pair.

But if Milwaukee was helpless to stop the Redneck running, Knoxville looked like the little man on the beach against the Muscle Men's ground game. Milwaukee's Ricky "The Answer" Williams ran off OT No Sacks Allowed and FB Bulldozer powered up the middle, shedding KX MLB Tucker Jackson like water off a duck's back. Both of Milwaukee's power backs topped the century mark, and they totalled 3 scores.

In the battle of rookie CBs, however, Knoxville's Deion Jackson played a better game than MW's Patrick Surtain, and Deion's 2 INTs off MW rookie QB Dan Marino, Jr. helped seal Milwaukee's fate. Knoxville wins, 35-21."

[The Afoci]

When does the next draft start?

[JeeberD]

Best. Game. Ever.

Great start to the season. I just hope we didn't use up all our points in the first game...

[Coffee Warlord]

Originally posted by The Afoci
When does the next draft start?

Not soon enough.

[tucker342]

Good game Marmel!

[tucker342]

dola-

Marmel, what positions do you need, as I'm very interested in the WR....

[Marmel]

My biggest needs at this time would be:

OG
DT
FB

Please PM an offer with the players age and Grade. Thanks!

[illinifan999]

Wow, I suck. Another Birmingham?

[DolphinFan1]

PRESS RELEASE

Milwaukee - GM DolphinFan and the Milwaukee Muscle Men announce the hiring of a new Head Coach, Dan Marino. When asked what was the reason behind former head coach C.J. Wolf's firing, DolphinFan had this to say.

"C.J. did a good job for us. He turned around an 0-9 first year into a 7-4 record last season in only our 4th year. We just thought with Dan's son coming in, it would be better to have a change of direction."

Stay tuned as this will certainly be a hot topic during the coming season.

[revrew]

Week 2 results

"The 0-1 Eagle offense faced a tough team to try to bounce back against when they traveled to Birmingham to take on the 0-1 Olympians. Birmingham boasts perhaps the best d-line in the ZFL, and Chicago's Mike 'Air' Marino wouldn't get a spare second to think as the Olympians kept the pressure on all day.

BH DT Hera continued to smash through the interior, crushing Marino for 3 sacks and several hurries.

But while the passing game was neutralized, the best pulling guard in the game, CH OG Tom Sanders swept outside and cleared a path for HB Randy Steele to turn on the jets. Chicago backs Steele and Hackenstein dished out the damage, keeping the Eagles in it with three scores.

Chicago would need a lot more than that, however, to keep up with Birmingham. Ancient HB Artemis followed equally ancient OG Dionysus and young stud, OG Another Troy for 97 yards and a pair of TDs. Artemis' ground attack opened up the play action, and BH QB Zeus Reloaded played brilliantly. 'ZR' hit favorite target WR Revrew for TD passes of 13, 8, and 41 yards. The Rev finished with 11 catches for 144 yards and 3 scores.

Birmingham clips the Eagles in a battle of former champs, 35-21."

*****
"After being whipped by El Paso last week, Fargo (0-1) was forced to trod into Albuquerque (1-0) to face what seemed certain death.

The game, however, was a closer match than many anticipated. The Isotopes showed some weakness in the middle, and Fargo's HB Glutton for Punishment began slowly piling up the yards and ticking seconds off the clock. First down after first down, Glutton gobbled up 139 yards before the afternoon was over.

But though Fargo put up the numbers, Albuquerque kept pace with two Sizzlack TDs and a TD run by the talented but unheralded HB Guy Incognito. Perhaps a better receiver than runner, Incognito nonetheless has proven a big part of Albuquerque's success. In fact, with the score knotted at 21 all, Incognito turned a 3-yard screen into a 38-yard TD, putting the Isotopes up for good.

After an AQ safety Troy McClure INT, the Isotopes added a garbage score, and Albuquerque wins, 35-21."

*****
"And speaking of certain slaugter, you've got to feel bad for Cincinnati (0-1) walking into red hot San Antonio (1-0).

Though he ran well last week, Cinci's HB Bubs ran into a monster in the middle, SA MLB Ray Lewis. Lewis notched 16 tackles, 1 forced fumble, and an INT on the day. Meanwhile, SA DE All Pro picked up a pair of sacks, and San Antonio obliterated another offense for the second week in a row.

While the Cinci O was licking its wounds, San Antonio ate away the clock with the M&M boys, Mutt and Metalhead, following two young OG roadgraders, Lone Star and Pancake.

In the second quarter, exciting WR Primetime burned CN safety Pan Pan for a 72-yard TD streak, and San Antonio wins it easy, 28-0.

Notice that's 2 shutouts and counting for the Margaritas."

*****
"That's it for blowouts, however, as our remaining three games came down to the wire. In Milwaukee, the 0-1 Muscle Men welcomed the 1-0 L.A. Stars.

Brutal. Brutal is the only way to describe the ground battle between Milwaukee's dynamite running duo and L.A.'s trumpeted defense. MW FB Bulldozer exposed the tiring legs of the not-so-ageless wonder, LA DT Ed Norton, and the 'Dozer gave the Muscle Men 14 points. LA isn't used to giving up that many; could they retalliate?

LA HB Rondey Dangerfield attempted running outside off his two great OTs, but Milwaukee's all star DE Rocky and OLB Superman cut down L.A.'s rookie before he could get past the line of scrimmage. Nothing doing.

LA would need some air power to win this game. Rookie WR Ashton Kucher gave it to them. 9 cathes for 155 yards and a TD for the rook. One of his catches set up a ground score, and with the seconds waning down, the contest was tied 14-14.

Rather than forcing rookie QB Dan Marino Jr. to win it in the final seconds through the air, with 75 yards to go against the Star Crunch, Milwaukee hoped to send it into overtime and their all-star kicker, Bruce Handily.

But on the MW 25, as Dan Marino Jr. spun to hand the ball off, a streaking LA MLB Brad Pitt timed the count perfectly and rammed him from behind. Instead of being placed securely in HB Ricky William's gut, the ball was thrust into William's knee, and it careened freely into the air. Just then, a blitzing DE Toby McGwire reached up and plucked the fumble before it hit the ground.

McGwire never looked back. 25 yards into the endzone as the clock expires, and LA saves the game with a last second defensive TD! LA wins the heartstopper, 21-14."

*****
"Speaking of heartstoppers, we go to Portland where the Knoxville Rednecks (1-0) had to face their nemesis, a team that seems to beat them unexplainedly, the 0-1 Sea Biscuits.

Just like last year, the defenses took back seats to two suddenly explosive offenses. Knoxville's 'Thumbless' Jackson walked all over Portland's aging, mediocre secondary, tossing 358 yards and 3 scores. The passing attack set up a pair of ground punches, too, and Knoxville was looking good with 35 points.

Or were they? PT OTs Lothar von Richthofen and Leonardo Ruiz Al Elvaro gave QB Paddy O'Leary all day to shoot the breeze himself. And with wideout Manfred von Richthofen on fire, Portland put up some numbers themselves. Richthofen caught 14 passes for 221 yards and 3 TDs. Suddenly, Portland was right in it.

With all the passing going on, Antonio De La Tonio was happy to trot along behind OG Erik Flamebeard, as the Itallion Stallion galloped for 101 yards and 2 scores.

At the end of regulation, the score was tied, 35-35. Bring on the kickers! Introducing Portland's Bob Sunesson (new to the Sea Biscuit starting lineup) against Knoxville's Eli Manning. The contest? A distance triathalon. Each kicker would throw a football, a baseball, and a paper airplane. The winner in two of three tosses would take home the game for his respective squad.

It was no surprise to see Eli Manning chuck the pigskin better than Bob, but in the paper airplane toss, Bob had the upper hand. It came down to the baseball. Standing at the 50, Bob threw his baseball into the second row of the upper deck. But Eli managed the fourth row, and Knoxville takes home the victory! KX, 38-35."

*****
"Now, El Paso (1-0) looked good last week. But would they have an answer for Little Rock's (0-1) Rajah Saleem?

Nope. Not even the bash backers could stop Rajah, who ran right past the heavy hitters and burst into the secondary for huge gains. Little Rock's QB David Slinger made the most of his running game, tossing for 262. WR Bruce Spinner caught a TD pass from Slinger, as the Slick Willies dished out some damage to the Buster D.

But the Buster offense, which scored 42 last week, stepped it up again. QB Ryan Leaf took to the air with quick passes designed to take advantage of Little Rock's weakness at LB and secondary. Outstanding LR DE L.L.JeeberD never got the chance to dirty Ryan Leaf's jersey as slants and outs piled up the yards. Leaf threw 54 passes, completing 37 of them for 309 yards. The scoring was spread out for El Paso, as Rae Carruth, Yatil Green, Ki-Jana Carter, and Rashaan Salaam all punched it over the plane.

In the fourth quarter, with the score tied at 28, an EP safety Patrick Bates INT gave the Busters the ball back with just a bit too much time. FB Rashaan Salaam punched the ball in, giving the Busters the win, 35-28."

*****
Commish's recap
2 and 0. Big numbers for the ZFL this week. In other words:

Los Angeles: 2 and 0.
Knoxville: 2 and 0.
Albuquerque: 2 and 0.

And how about San Antonio?: 2 wins and 0 points scored against.

Or...El Paso?? 2 and 0.

In fact, El Paso leads the league in points scored. Wasn't this a defensive squad? But then, if you realize that they played Fargo and Little Rock, it seems to make sense. El Paso will likely beat Cinci, too, and that only makes them 3 and 0. There are still 8 other games they have to play.

Speaking of 8, Moe Sizzlack has 8 TDs already. And 800 yards.

It's all in the numbers, baby. Next week? LA vs AQ on ESPN. Will Sizzlack fry the Star Crunch? Or will LA reduce Moe to a Fizzle?

And as for 2 and 0 El Paso...you've got Knoxville next week, boys. Welcome to the big leagues.

[DolphinFan1]

0-2 that sucks. Oh well, no where to go but up.

[Marmel]

Wow, thank god for the defense!

[JeeberD]

Whew, that was a close one. It's good to see Leaf stepping up and playing well.

Undefeated, baby!!! Hey, I gotta say it before Knoxville tears me a new one next week...

[korme]

0-2, nothing new here

*wonders why he didn't get the GOOD expansion team*

[illinifan999]

Shorty:

The only reason is that you are the owner of a Cincinati football team.

[JeeberD]

Originally posted by Shorty3281
*wonders why he didn't get the GOOD expansion team*

It's called having a superior GM...

[DolphinFan1]

Originally posted by JeeberD
It's called having a superior GM...

Yeah, and if it wasn't for me giving you a huge bonus and then releasing you, you never would be where you are today.

[JeeberD]

Originally posted by DolphinFan1
Yeah, and if it wasn't for me giving you a huge bonus and then releasing you, you never would be where you are today.

Not to mention the money that you're paying me to wrestle for you...

[revrew]

Week 3 results

"Week 3 saw ties, upsets, and shockers. Pundits and predictors, from Connecticut to Montana watched agape as today's results poured in.

But before we get there, let's review the week's only blowout as expansion blues Cincinnati (0-2) visited the powerful offensive line in Portland (0-2).

OG Erik Flamebeard and OT Leonardo Ruiz Al Elvaro led the charge as Antonio De La Tonio continued his impressive (what some think will be his) "farewell tour". The horse piled up 169 yards and 3 TDs, primarily by bowling over Cinci's inept MLB, Homeschool Winner. Portland held the ball for 33 of the game's 48 minutes.

Cinci showed no slowing Portland's dynamite receiving duo either, as Manfred von Richthofen and Khan Ogadai each topped 100. Rookie OLB Zoinks McAllister joined the scoring by jumping on a pass to the flat and streaking 54 yards back the other way for a score.

Big win for Portland, 42-7."

*****
"The league's best two defensive lines faced eachother in what was sure to be a defensive battle. Birmingham (1-1) faced San Antonio (2-0), in a contest where the name of the game was field position.

Any Margarita attempts at deep passing were quickly stuffed by Birmingham's DEs Atlantis and Antoher Atlantis. OLB Arkantos patrolled the flat, Adysseus patrolled the middle, and San Antonio's Handoff King managed a pitiful 8-18-101.

But Birmingham's Zeus Reloaded was terrorized by SA DE All Pro, who ate rookie OT Cronus for lunch. ZR was held to an equally pitiful 6-15-82.

Instead, the two squads teed off on the line. SA-OG Lone Star vs. BH DT Maximillionn Powers. BH-OG Dionysus vs. SA-DT Sack U. Powercrunching up front. Fullbacks Hephaestus and Metalhead got a workout trying to make room for the Halfbacks. Without punting or special teams in the ZFL, the two squads ran back and forth across midfield like two tug-of-war squads.

The rugby scrum shifted San Antonio's way in the first, as the Margaritas finally scored on the collective 9th possession of the game.

In the second half, the outstanding Margarita O-line kept up the assault and slowly began pushing Birmingham backwards. On fourth and goal from the 2, Metalhead and Mutt followed veteran OT Not Quite As Chunky into a wave of Olympian jerseys. When the bodies were pulled out, San Antonio managed their second (and the final) score of the day. San Antonio wins the tug-of-war, 14-0."

*****
"We had three ties this week, and perhaps no one was ready for one of those to come when Chicago (0-2) visited Fargo (0-2).

Chicago, it appeared, thought they could wear down the Crawfish with the usual, steady diet of a well-balanced offense. But Fargo's CB F.Swaggs brushed off last season's injury and put the glove on aging Eagle vet WR, Jet. Mike 'Air' Marino had a hard time finding receivers open, especially with FG DT The Defense blocking his field of vision. In the early going, it was several 4-and-overs for the champs.

Fargo, meanwhile, took advantage of Chicago's three old men and a rookie on the outside, sending HB Glutton for Punishment off tackle Stud. At the half, Glutton had followed former Eagle, FB Ty Wick for 82 yards and 2 scores. Fargo, 14-0.

But in the second half, Chicago abandoned the air attack, and ground back into it on the ground. Randy Steele and Josh Hackenstein began "hacking" up the Fargo defense, and each back contributed a score to tie it up.

Fargo managed to get one pass away to the young but butterfingered WR Tarek, setting up a go ahead TD by Ty Wick.

On the last drive of the game, Chicago gasped into overtime with a Randy Steele sweep behind the pulling master, OG Tom Sanders. Bring on the kickers!

Here Chicago's Little Foot was clearly outmatched by Fargo's fleet-footed acrobatic ace, Xsquared. Each kicker was set upon a zipline that extended from upper deck to upper deck. And as they "zipped" back and forth, they were supposed to fire footballs into the back of a pickup truck (hey, don't balk. Chevy paid the ZFL big money for the advertising). Fargo's Xsquared looked right at home on the high wire, tossing 7 pigskins into the pickup. Little Foot barely managed 2. In a colossal upset, Fargo takes away the win, 24-21!"

*****
"There's upset number one. But we ain't done. Moving on to Albuquerque, where the 2-0 Isotopes faced off against the 2-0 L.A. Stars.

As expected, the Star Crunch put the brakes on Albuquerque's running game. MLB Brad Pitt destroyed any running back that dared punch through the lilne, and safety Ray Liotta punished any attempt at moving outside.

Meanwhile, the L.A. running attack picked up some steam as rookie RB Rodney Dangerfield garnered an excellent day, rushing for 3 digits and 2 scores.

But AQ QB Moe Sizzlack is a god. Sizzlack played perhaps his best game ever. Though all-pro OT Ralph Wiggum and solid bookend Groundskeeper Willie kept the Stars at bay fairly well, Sizzlack stood tall in the pocket. Despite being crushed by LA DE Toby 'Spiderman' McGwire and pressured and popped by DE Robert DeNiro, Sizzlack got up to fire again. And Again. And though LA CB Paul Sorvino has consistently been among the league's best, the Sizzlack to Cheat connection proved too in sync. WR The Cheat caught 13 passes, and barn-burner Quagmire hauled in a pair of deep TDs. Sizzlack didn't put up giant numbers, but his accuracy and leadership showed him a giant among boys.

When Quagmire caught a 44-yard TD bomb in the 4th, it was all over. Albuquerque takes the win, 21-14."

*****
"Could Little Rock (0-2) follow the upset trend and take out Milwaukee (0-2)?

Rajah Saleem seemed to think so. Saleem found all the holes in the Milwaukee defense, following OT standout, Keith 'Slap' Slapinski and surprising young OG Rudolphy Rudy for yet another big game. And while MW rookie Patrick Surtain did a good job of scaring LR QB David Slinger away from favorite young target, WR Bruce Spinner, the old veteran Stuart Rembert showed why he's so beloved in Little Rock. Quietly amassing 12 catches for 138 yards and a score, Rembert gave Rajah a one-two punch that kept Milwaukee on their heels.

Milwaukee, however, ate up big chunks of yardage as well. HB Ricky 'The Answer' Williams followed star FB Bulldozer and tore through the Slick Willies' weaker linebacking and secondary crew. Ricky piled up an impressive 180 and 3. Rookie QB Dan Marino Jr. made pops proud with the first TD pass of his career, a 19-yard fade to WR Conan. But with the game on the line, tied 28-28, the Muscle Men needed a TD pass to avoid overtime. Marino dropped back, but young LR DE L.L.JeeberD looped up the middle and sent the game into overtime. Bring on the kickers!

Little Rock brought an old, but crafty veteran, Mr. Ed to center stage, where a billiards table was set up. Best 2 out of three, loser call, 8-ball or 9. Ed called eight, but soon succumbed to the slick-shooting Bruce Handily. 'I played pool all the time back in the day,' said Handily afterwards. 'Mr. Ed was behind the 8-ball from the first break.' After dropping the first match, Mr. Ed called for 9-ball, but Handily took that match, too. There was no third match as Milwaukee's kicker took the tourney and the game, MW 31-28."

*****
"Poor El Paso. 2-0 and host to the Knoxville Rednecks (2-0). But let's not extend the pity too soon. The fact of the matter is, Knoxville's defense is pretty average to poor, and the Busters lead the league in points scored. Hmmmm.....

Despite the rumor that El Paso is a defensive squad, there was no defense played on the field in Texas. QBs Thumbless Jackson and Ryan Leaf lit up the sky with fireworks that haven't been seen in El Paso since Gump Didrickson decided to use dynamite to take down his barn back in '64.

Knoxville struck first with a shot to JJ Jackson. Against the EP rookie, Bryant Westbrook, JJ had a stellar day. 192 and 3 scores for the Knoxville all-star. Young WR Luke Jackson struggled more, blanketed by EP safety Patrick Bates.

But El Paso answered with a well-orchestrated drive, capped off with a FB Rashaan Salaam TD plunge. Salaam would score thrice in the game, twice by ground and one in the air. Meanwhile, young OT Billy Milner showed Knoxville's vet DE Robert E. Jackson that the pup's got skills. If El Paso keeps up this pace, a person has to consider OT Billy Milner as a ROY candidate.

Back the other way, then again, then again, then again. By the time the smoke cleared, the two QBs had thrown for 750 yards combined, and the score was knotted at 35. Bring on the kickers!

For the second week in a row, KX K Eli Manning trotted out to center field. There he would match up against rookie EP kicker Scott 'Missin' Sisson in a no-holds barred rope-climbing match. First, up a 35-foot vertical wall. Then, arm-over-arm across a 20-foot span. Clambor down a rope ladder, and then finish by ascending a knotted rope to a platform where the first to ring the bell wins the match.

The two kickers raced neck and neck up the wall. They reached the top and sprinted to the span. Eli relied mostly on upper body strength, while Sisson turned backwards and used his feet to hold him to the rope. It was a great strategy, and Sisson gained a lead.

But then...on the rope ladder...true to his name, Sisson 'missed' a rung. His feet got tangled up and the crowd suddenly held its breath as it looked like he might fall. He saved his neck, but he lost some precious time. Eli Manning finished the course, and rang the bell just moments before Sisson. Manning and the Rednecks take the way-too-close victory, 38-35."

*****
Commish's recap:
"Good golly, what do we make of this? Has Chicago fallen from the top with perilous plunge? The Eagles are 0-3 with a loss to Fargo. It appears that age has finally toppled the two-time champs. Dan Patrick - you may take your head out of the sand now.

Knoxville, San Antonio, and Albuquerque are our clear favorites at this point. Knoxville looks as though they could falter, Albuquerque's defense is suspect, and San Antonio has zero passing game. Could these potential Achille's heels allow L.A. or Birmingham (or, dare I say, El Paso??) to crawl back in it? There's plenty of time left to find out!

In next week's matchup, Milwaukee can drive the nail in Chicago's coffin, but a loss would do big damage to the Muscle Men's hopes.

Strangely, the hottest matchup may be Albuquerque vs. El Paso. The Buster scoring machine against the unstoppable Moe Sizzlack. Will El Paso keep pace? Or, perhaps we should say, can Sizzlack keep pace?

[JeeberD]

Damn! Almost pulled it off....

Next week should be exciting. But I hope Bates can make up for Westbrook's lack of skill, otherwise the game won't even be close...

[digamma]

Eli...Eli...Eli...Eli

There's a new chant in Knoxville!

[DolphinFan1]

Finally a win.

[Coffee Warlord]

We're better than someone!

[The Afoci]

Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo!

And

Fargo!

[Swaggs]

Wow... we are so close.

What's up w/ making my horse-placekicker play pool for the decision?

[illinifan999]

NUMBER 1! NUMBER 1! NUMBER 1! NUMBER 1! NUMBER 1! NUMBER 1! NUMBER 1! NUMBER 1! NUMBER 1! NUMBER 1! NUMBER 1! NUMBER 1! NUMBER 1! NUMBER 1! NUMBER 1!



Draft pick!

[NevStar]

Yeah, we finally beat LA! This might be the year we can finally beat Chicago, too.

[korme]

Originally posted by illinifan999
NUMBER 1! NUMBER 1! NUMBER 1! NUMBER 1! NUMBER 1! NUMBER 1! NUMBER 1! NUMBER 1! NUMBER 1! NUMBER 1! NUMBER 1! NUMBER 1! NUMBER 1! NUMBER 1! NUMBER 1!



Draft pick!

You'll be second my friend.

[tucker342]

two tough losses... oh well

[revrew]

Week 4 Results
"Three close ones and three blow-outs this week, but don't think that the blowouts weren't interesting. In fact, the blowouts might be the most telling games of the week.

Nowhere is this more true than in San Antonio, where the undefeated and un-scored-upon Margarita defense got a real test against Rajah Saleem and the 1-2 Slick Willies.

On the Willies' first possession, they tried running inside. SA DTs Aragorn and Sack U pushed Saleem backwards for a net gain of -4. In great field position, San Antonio took advantage with a HB Mutt TD.

On the Willies' second possession, they tried running outside, but SA DEs All Pro and Ray O. Light held Rajah to -8 yards.

When the Willies began to open it up with a little passing, Rajah found a few holes, but even those holes were filled by SA MLB Ray Lewis. Lewis had a career day, wrapping up Saleem for 18 tackles and forcing a fumble.

The Margarita madness continues as the San Antonio defense held Saleem to 49 yards rushing on 25 attempts. And though the Slick Willies did better in the air, it wasn't enough to crack the goalline. Doing what no one else has been able to do this season, San Antonio stuffed Saleem and shut out Little Rock, 28-0. That's four shutouts and counting..."

*****
"But before we herald the Margaritas as the best defense since the season 1 Eagles (remember how they shut out 8 straight games, and only allowed a score in the final game of the season??), the 2-1 Star Crunch put a hurtin' today on Portland (1-2), great offensive line or not.

LA MLB Brad Pitt almost equalled Ray Lewis' day, picking up 16 tackles and a sack. OLB The Real Gus added another 9 tackles, and though PT HB Antonio De La Tonio got through the line, he got no further. Zero tuddies for the Stallion today.

Portland turned to the air, and surprisingly, so did LA. But while LA's DE Toby 'Spiderman' McGwire kept PT QB Paddy O'Leary on his toes, Portland's lack of a pass rush (and LA's fantastic two OTs, Matthew McConaughey and Freddie Prinze, Jr.) gave LA QB Bernie Mac all day to pick his targets.

Bernie had the best day of his career, tossing 24-31-313-3. TD passes to WR Joe Pesci, rookie WR Ashton Kucher, and FB Jet Li.

The offense was a surprise, but the Star Crunch was back to old tricks, trouncing the Sea Biscuits by pitching a shut out of their own. LA Safety Ray Liotta added a pair of INTs to spoil PT QB Paddy O's day, and LA wins, 28-0."

*****
"Our third blowout came as Knoxville (3-0) did what Chicago could not, knocking off Fargo (1-2).

Fargo's HB Glutton for Punishment enjoyed a solid first half, running behind the powerful blocker, FB Ty Wick. Glutton finished with 100+ yards and 2 TDs. Late in the game, Ty Wick grabbed a TD score of his own.

But as Fargo fell further and further behind the charging Rednecks, they were forced to the air, and Glutton's running fell by the wayside. Knoxville put up 35 points in the first half alone as 'Thumbless' found JJ Jackson too much for Fargo's F.Swaggs, who appeared to still be suffering from last season's injury. JJ put up big numbers, catching 200 yards and 2 TDs. With the dominating air assault, KX HB Leon Jackson ground in a pair of rushing scores, and it was an ugly 35-14 at the half.

In the second half, Fargo tried to go to the air, but KX rookie CB Deion Jackson played an outstanding game, nabbed a couple of picks, and Fargo couldn't storm back. KX FB Samuel 'The South will Rise Again' Jackson got a TD to add insult to injury as Knoxville wins, 42-21."

*****
"The expected big scores didn't happen as Albuquerque (3-0) faced El Paso (2-1), but that doesn't mean the game wasn't exciting.

Albuquerque's ground attack was greatly frustrated as HB Guy Incognito ran into a buzzsaw in young EP MLB Brian Bosworth. The Boz shut down Incognito with 14 tackles and 2 forced fumbles.

But the big story was AQ safety Troy McClure stuffing the upstart EP QB Ryan Leaf. McClure hauled in 3 INTs in a game that saw several turnovers. El Paso safety Patrick Bates grabbed an INT, and several fumbles were tossed around in a game that see-sawed back and forth.

2 Sizzlack TDs and 2 EP FB Rashaan Salaam TDs left the game knotted at 14 in the fourth. But after Troy McClure's third INT and an outstanding return, Sizzlack hit HB Incognito for a 3-yard TD swing pass and Albuquerque wins a close one, 21-14."

*****
"Could the faltering Eagles (0-3) rebound against the Muscle Men (1-2)?

Not if Milwaukee's DROY candidate, CB Patrick Surtain had anything to say about it. Chicago's QB Mike 'Air' Marino was on the run today as MW OLB Superman and DE Rocky terrorized the QB with blitzes from every direction. The result was few completed passes and a couple of bad passes, two of which landed in Surtain's arms.

But Marino's younger cousin, MW QB Dan Marino Jr. had a tough day of it as well. Chicago's blazing young DE, The Answer, banged up the young QB with a piledriving sack early, and Marino Jr. had to be replaced with veteran QB, Bullseye.

Behind typical, Milwaukee power running, the Muscle Men were up, 14-0 at the half.

But in the second half, with Chicago's passing game out of commission, the Eagles turned to the ground and all-world OG Tom Sanders. Milwuakee's DTs proved no match for Sanders who pancaked power running pair, Randy Steele and Josh Hackenstein to a big second half.

All the touchdowns in this game were on the ground, three each for these two dominant running teams. At the gun, 21-21. Bring on the kickers!

Milwaukee's Bruce Handily, widely considered among the league's best felt confident going into the stunt-kite dogfighting contest. The windy city provided the breeze, and Little Foot and Handily set kites armed with razors into the sky. The fans nearly panicked at the swooping lethal weapons zooming about the stadium (the ZFL legal committee had some harsh words for the Eagle overtime planning committee afterwards). After 4 minutes and 13 seconds of diving and spinning, Bruce Handily's kite undercut Little Foot's and snipped the line. Little Foot's kite tumbled to the ground along with Chicago's hope for a victory. Milwuakee wins, 24-21."

*****
"Lastly to Birmingham (1-2) vs. Cincinnati (0-3). The Olympian strategy was to power run behind guards Dionysus and young stud, Another Troy, then set up the play-action. The strategy worked reasonably well, especially as CN DT Eh, Steve! was clearly outmatched and MLB Homeschool Winner provided little support. HB Artemis put up 98 yards and 3 scores as the Olympians rolled.

But Cinci's HB Bubs enjoyed the gaps created by rookie dynamo, OG So and So and veteran stallwart, OT The King of Town. In fact, Cinci played a largely superior game, outgaining Birmingham by over 100 total yards. Bubs totalled 135 yards running against a great Birmingham defense, and he and FB Pom Pom scored thrice.

But timely sacks by BH DE Another Atlantis and OLB Arkantos put the Olympians in good field position, allowing Artemis to punch in his 3 TDs.

Cinci's passing game never really got going, and as a result, the Chaps couldn't top 21 points.

In the fourth, with the game tied at 21-21, Birmingham began a drive at their own 12. If they were going to drive for the win, it would have to be their longest of the day.

HB Artemis followed OG Dionysus for an 8-yard gain. Then, off young OT Cronus for 5. A ZR pass to WR Revrew picked up another 17. Steadily, Birmingham rolled downfield.

A screen to FB Hephaestus caught Cinci by surprise and lumbered for 23. WR Apollo caught a pass, Artemis picked up another first down, then QB Zeus 'ZR' Reloaded found favorite target, WR Revrew for the go-ahead TD. It proved the last TD of the afternoon as Birmingham survives a clearly improved Cinci squad, taking the game, 28-21."

*****
Commish's recap:
"The way San Antonio and AQ QB Moe Sizzlack are playing, I can't wait until Week 6! The championship game may come early this year, when the Margaritas square off against the Isotopes.

But first, week 4 notes: Cinci plays a good game. They're still bottom of the league right now, but they're getting better.

Speaking of getting better, L.A. showed some real spark this week, and don't be surprised if the 3-1 Stars stick around in the title chase.

Great play by MLBs this week. Quiz- if you had to start a team with last year's MVP Brad Pitt, this year's monster Ray Lewis, or last years DROY Brian Bosworth, which would you choose? Tough choice.

Next week, the Portland/El Paso matchup looks interesting, and FOX will be broadcasting it. ESPN is showing KX/SA in a test for the two undefeated titans. But a person has to be intreagued about 0-4 Cincinatti getting a shot at 0-4 Chicago. Will the Chaps pull the upset and trash last year's champs turned this year's chumps? Or will Chicago finally get the win and send the expansion boys back down where they belong?"

[Marmel]

I think LA's problem might be we peaked a year too early. The plan was to go undefeated this season, but since we had such a great year last year, we were stuck with a bad draft pick and did not really improve the team while others leapt over us. I was really counting on a middle first round pick this year.

I cannot complain, it is nioce to win more games then you lose. We came from the bottom of the league and do not taking any win for granted.

[DolphinFan1]

WE BEAT CHICAGO!!!! WE BEAT CHICAGO!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!

Bruce "I'll kick your butt" Handily is still undefeated. What a great draft pick a couple years ago.

[JeeberD]

Damn, back to back close losses to two of the better teams in the league. El Paso has some potential. I think in a couple of years we might be fighting for the top spot...