ZFL Season 5 begins!

[NevStar]

The only way we can win is the tiebreaker with Marmel... so

GO L.A! (Lose later)

[JeeberD]

Time to pull out the old Lou Holtz card...

We have no shot against Cinci next week. They're going to hand our asses to us. I'm not sure why we're even bothering to show up...

[revrew]

Might take me a while to write week 9 up, gentlemen. We had 3 ties, another game decided by a single TD, as well as a huge statement game from one of our middle-of-the-pack teams lookin' fierce all of a sudden. Will get it posted as soon as I can.

[JeeberD]

Uh oh...

[DolphinFan1]

Originally posted by revrew
Might take me a while to write week 9 up, gentlemen. We had 3 ties, another game decided by a single TD, as well as a huge statement game from one of our middle-of-the-pack teams lookin' fierce all of a sudden. Will get it posted as soon as I can.

Hugh statement game has got to be Dan Marino Jr. lighting it up for 6 TD passes and makes his dad proud.

[NevStar]

Originally posted by DolphinFan1
Hugh statement game has got to be Dan Marino Jr. lighting it up for 6 TD passes and makes his dad proud.

"Hi, I'm Troy McClure! You may remember me from such games as 'The 5 interceptions of Dan Marino's illegitimate son'"

If you said 6 TD's on the ground, I could buy that. My guess on the statement game is El Paso.

[JeeberD]

I hope you're right, but how much of a statement is it if I beat up on Cinci?

[revrew]

Week 9 Results:

"Three ties and a close one made for an exciting week 9 in the ZFL. But even in one of the week's 2 blowouts, there was some big excitement.

Let's begin there, in Portland, where the Sea Biscuits (5-3) hosted the Crawfish (1-7). Portland has won 4 in a row, and looking to make it 5 against the struggling Crawfish.

There was little suprise in watching Portland's offensive line manhandle Fargo's D. There was little surprise in watching ManChild and Khan Ogadai burn Fargo's secondary. The surprise, however, was in seeing Portland's defense step it up again and step it up huge.

'The Military Middle' destroyed and dominated Fargo's O-line as Colonel Joseph, Captain Bipto, and Sectoid Commander each dragged down FG HB Glutton for Punishment for losses. Fargo's aging guards, Eric and Matt, were clearly outmatched as Glutton got bottled up, rushing for only 34 yards on 16 carries.

Eventually, Fargo was forced to go to the air, but they couldn't keep up, especially with QB Killer facing monster DTs in his face all day.

Portland, meanwhile, cashed in big: 2 HB Antonio TDs, 2 TDs for WR Khan Ogadai, and 1 for WR Manfred von Richthofen. QB Paddy O' had a great game, tossing the brick for better than 300 and never giving up an INT. Portland rolls in a romp, 35-0."

*****
"Speaking of romp, the woes continue for Cincinnati (0-8), who didn't put up much of a fight against the upwardly-mobile El Paso Busters (3-5).

Cinci ground out a couple of ground scores early, but the more they fell behind, the more they went to the air. The more they went to the air, the more things fell apart. Cinci is just not capable of playing catch-up ball.

The Buster D put up a good show, safety Patrick Bates adding to his league-leading INT total, DE Eddie Lee Washington grabbing a pair of sacks, and MLB Brian Bosworth notching up 13 tackles.

What was really clicking, however, was the Buster offense. After an off-game last week, rookie OT Billy Milner put up the dukes and QB Ryan Leaf threw the knockout. Leaf tossed for 310, throwing 2 TDs to WR Yatil Green (185 yards for Green) and 1 to HB Ki-Jana Carter. Carter added one more on the ground, and fellow battery-mate, FB Rashaan Salaam added 2.

Only CB The Blacksmith seemed to play well for Cinci today, holding EP rookie WR Rae Carruth to 4 catches for 57 yards.

El Paso dusts the Chaps, 42-14."

*****
"When Milwaukee's Muscle Men (5-3) rolled into Albuquerque (6-2), they knew they're only chance of winning 3 in a row and leapfrogging the Isotopes in the standings was to run the ball, run down the clock, and keep the ball away from Moe Sizzlack.

From their first possession, Milwaukee looked determined to carry out that plan. OG Goliath pushed AQ DT Captain McAllister out of the way, FB Bulldozer put down a crushing block on MLB Lenny, and HB Ricky Williams scrambled for 8 before being pulled down by AQ rookie OLB Kearney. That same exact play would be repeated 15 times or more throughout the course of the game. Ricky Williams piled up 141 yards rushing, and AQ OLB Kearney recorded 16 tackles.

But while the Muscle Men were grinding it out, Albuquerque went to work. Some solid running up the middle at first opened up a bit of play-action, and after a HB Guy Incognito TD run and a TD pass to WR Quagmire, it looked like Albuquerque was going to light it up.

But Milwaukee kept up their game plan, and kept pace on the ground. In the third quarter, with the score knotted, MW OLB Superman streaked in on a blitz and leveled AQ QB Moe Sizzlack. The ball popped loose, and MW recovered. The blow marked a shift in the game's tide. Sizzlack bit the dirt 3 more times in the second half as DE Rocky and OLB Superman mixed up blitzes and stunts, and the Isotope air attack slowed. MW rookie CB Patrick Surtain blanketed Sizzlack's security blanket (WR The Cheat), and batted away 4 passes in the second half alone.

Albuquerque was hoping to put away Milwaukee, and drive them back down the standings, but at the sound of the gun, Milwaukee had stood firm. The score was 21-21. And you know what that means. Bring on the kickers!

AQ's Capital City Goofball, the king of the upset vs. Milwaukee's Bruce Handily, the king of the kickers. In this contest, however, there would be only one king and he would rule from the get-go. The cameras zoomed in on a small, square table, with a small double stop clock, and small white and black pieces. Who would be king? Fittingly, the game of chess would decide. But not just any boring chess game. If either player deliberated his moves for a total time of more than 5 minutes, he would forfeit and the other would win. The dash against the clock was an important part of the game. Additionally, actor Lawrence Fishburne stood over the two kickers, barking and commenting and trash-talking in their ears, dissin' their mistakes and cheering their bold moves (if you've ever seen the movie, "The Search for Bobby Fischer", then you know what I'm talking about.) From the gun, pieces flying, Fishburne (mic'd up for the crowd) noticed Handily's slick moves.

"You chasin' him down, Dog! On the attack and don't look back. Who's da man?"

He also noticed Goofball's blunders. "Whatchu wanna bring that knight out there for? You just gonna lose him. See, now you runnin' away. You can't never win runnin' like that? What you scared of?"

The match didn't last long. Bruce 'I'll kick your butt' Handily did just that. With a resounding, "Checkmate! The Dog did it!" from Fishburne, Milwaukee takes out the Isotopes, 24-21."

*****
"Little Rock (3-5), winners of two straight, looked to make it three in Chicago (1-7). For each of these teams, it was a well-fought battle.

Little Rock's Rajah Saleem headlined the game again with great running, particularly off brash tackle, Keith Slapinski, who dominated the aging once superstar, CH DE Jason Pepper. Pepper has lost his speed, and is nowhere near strong enough to fend of Slapinski. Saleem streaked around the outside for 122 and 3 TDs.

Meanwhile, Little Rock got a bit of passing game going, as QB David Slinger enjoyed one of his finest efforts. WR Stuart Rembert hauled in 9-123 and WR Bruce Spinner caught 10-141-1.

For young DT Henry Blitzen, however, schooltime came in the form of CH OG Tom Sanders. Sanders completely shut down Blitzen, and the result was a big day for Eagle HB Randy Steele. Randy ran for 100 even and 3 TDs on the day.

The Eagle air assault also kept the Willies hoppin, as Marino threw 20-31-289-1-1. At the end of the game, however, all the runnin and gunnin resulted in a tie match. 28-28. Bring on the kickers!

Little Rock's aging Mr. Ed against Chicago's Little Foot. Which one is the dinosaur? And which one is the cousin of an ass? I think they have their identities confused as the ancient Mr. Ed made Little Foot look like a mule in a tractor pull. Not that Ed and Foot were driving the tractors...they were pulling them. First on pavement, then through sand, then through mud. The competitor with the greatest combined distance won the event. Mr. Ed must have grown up on a farm, because he sure looked like he knew his way around tractors. The overtime wasn't even close as Ed pulled for 214 feet, while Foot managed a mere 106. Little Rock wins 3 straight (has that ever happened before?) taking this one, 31-28."

*****
When Knoxville (7-1) hosted Birmingham (3-5), the neighboring rivals produced a game that came down to the wire.

Facing a stellar defensive line with plenty of pass-rush power, Knoxville hoped to mix things up and keep the line guessing. It proved a good strategy. HB Leon Jackson followed some great blocks from Samuel 'The South Will Rise Again' Jackson and all-pro guard, Fort Sumter Jackson, forcing B'ham to play both pass and run.

Meanwhile, 'Thumbless' Jackson took advantage of one week point in Birmingham's armor, BH CB Hades. Against KX WR JJ, Hades faltered a bit too often. KX WR Jackson Jackson caught 14 balls, 2 for TDs.

Birmingham, meanwhile, knew if they could push HB Artemis past the line, he could tally some big yards. Behind fantastic young guard, Another Troy, Artemis bowled over KX MLB Tucker Jackson and put up a pair of scores, and setting up BH WR Revrew for another.

In the fourth quarter a BH safety Odysseus INT (resulting from a pressure by DE Another Atlantis) set up Birmingham to take the lead. But on 3rd and 3 on the KX 22, KX DT Josiah Jackson popped BH HB Artemis, and the ball hit the ground. KX OLB Bubba Jackson returned the ball deep into BH territory before being dragged down by WR Apollo.

That huge turnover also turned the tide. 'Thumbless' hit JJ for a big gainer, and KX was knocking on the door. Looking to run out the clock and punch it in, KX ran hard down to 4th and goal from inside the 1. 'Thumbless' took it in on the QB sneak, and KX was up by 7 with only 32 seconds left. BH had to burn all their timeouts.

Given the ball (per ZFL rules) on their own 40, Birmingham had just fumes to hope on for the win. Unfortunately, those fumes were caught by KX rookie CB Deion Jackson, and his INT ends the contest. Knoxville wins a squeaker, 28-21."

*****
"And now for the biggie. 7-1 San Antonio vs. 7-1 LA. The winner would join Knoxville alone at the top. Would San Antonio bounce back after last week's heartbreak loss in overtime? Or would the deflation allow LA to leapfrog the once undefeated Margaritas?

The question would not be decided by offensive players. In fact, this square-off between the league's top 2 defenses proved to be every bit the showdown at the OK corral that ESPN was hyping. Nearly every offensive player on both sides limped off the field at the end of this one, as these 2 defensive juggernauts drilled each other into submission.

For San Antonio, L.A.s weakness in the middle of the O-line proved just the window they needed. DROY candidate, DT Aragorn shoved LAs OG Harrison Ford around and out of position, leaving LA HB Rodney Dangerfield nothing between him and a heap o' hurtin' named Ray Lewis. While the SA DTs abused LA's weak guards and hammered Dangerfield, Ray Lewis finished off the rookie. Dangerfield couldn't manage 30 yards against the Margarita Monsters.

And though LA QB Bernie Mac managed more success in the air, protected by his two stellar OTs, SA DT Sack U punished Mac, who left the field with minor injuries--twice.

San Antonio fared little better. Hoping to take advantage of some weakness in the middle, San Antonio ran the M&M boys up the gut behind OGs Lone Star and Pancake. But after getting through the line, the M&M boys met the heart of the Star Crunch, MLB Brad Pitt. Pitt put up 16 tackles on his way to shutting down the Margarita running game.

As for passing, SA QB Handoff King got little time to throw, harrassed by LA DEs Robert DeNiro and Toby McGwire. The LA secondary played tight bump-n-run, and safety Ray Liotta and CB Paul Sorvino batted away more passes than a busty blonde at a single's bar.

The first hint of a score came toward the end of the first half as San Antonio tried to march downfield for a quick score. But when DE Toby McGwire came flying up the middle, SA QB Handoff King had to toss the hot route a bit earlier than he wanted. Result: INT by safety Ray Liotta that...could..go..all...the...way! Defensive TD, LA up 7-0 at the half.

In the early 4th, with the score still LA 7-0, the Margaritas pinned LA deep. On 2nd and 12, Bernie Mac turned to hand the ball off to Rodney Dangerfield. He never saw it comin'. MLB Ray Lewis streaked in on the blitz, brought the hammer down on Bernie Mac's arm, and the ball bounced off the turf. DT Aragorn, after shaking off FB Jet Li, fell forward, but managed only to knock the ball into the endzone. By now, the bodies were piled everywhere! The ball was bouncing around like a rabbit, and eventually, when the refs pulled everyone away, SA safety Godzilla Blitz had the ball! Touchdown, San Antonio!

When the gun sounded, the only points were scored by the defenses! 7-7. And you know what that means...bring on the kickers!

LA's Little Val Kilmer looked confident against the aging Eater of Sandwiches. The fans in the left endzone were escorted out of the stands and down onto the field. They sat in chairs on either side of the hashmarks, and when the section was vacated, it was clear why. As the seats they were sitting in sprang upwards, several of them had targets painted on the bottom! With different angles and at different distances, the point values of these targets were 1 point for a yellow, 3 for a red, 5 for a blue. The weapon of choice to aim at these targets? A 60-lb compound bow. 10 shots apiece, best 'Robin Hood' wins the game.

1,2. Kilmer drew first two shots. Wanting to establish himself, he nailed a pair of yellow targets for 2. Eater stepped up, hit a yellow, then took aim at a red. 4 points.

3,4.Kilmer aimed for a red. Hit. For a blue--miss. Total 5.

Eater shot a pair of reds, 10.

5,6.Trailing now, Kilmer knew he needed some punch. He took aim at a pair of blues and hit one. 10.

Eater, not yet having missed, shot for another pair of reds, but only got one. 13.

7,8. Kilmer went for the tie on a red and hit. Then for lead on a sure yellow and hit again. 14.

Eater, wanting the lead back, went for a red. But he missed! He goes again, but misses again!. 13

9. Now we're moving to only one shot at a time. Kilmer gets gutsy, goes for a blue. misses! 14.

9. Eater knows he can pull ahead with a red, or way ahead with a blue. He goes for the blue, but it careens off the back of the chair immediately in front and sails upward. No good. Eater at 13.

10. What's Kilmer to do? If he goes for blue and hits it, it's all over. For the red, Eater could win on a blue. Yellow's pointless.

He consults QB Bernie Mac. He talks to veteran Ed Norton. He looks at MLB Brad Pitt...and something clicks. Something in the swagger. Something in the confident way that Pitt plays this game. Kilmer draws back, lets it fly...and strikes a blue! 19 points is too much, Eater doesn't bother taking the last shot, and LA wins! 10-7."

*****
Commish's recap
"Congratulations, LA, on clawing your way back into contention! Knoxville rejoices as well, as LA and KX stand alone at the top of the board, and the two haven't played each other yet.

Has anyone else noticed that Portland, winner of 5 straight, now sits at 6-3? A sudden power surge at defense ('The Military Middle' looks fierce), and two unstoppable wideouts to go with that offensive line have things looking up in Portland. All of the players just mentioned, by the way, are 27 or younger! If Portland can replace an aging secondary and pick up a runner, they will be in next year's title hunt. If not that one, then surely the next!

Here's the scoop:
With Albuquerque's loss, the Isotopes are out. Though Milwaukee struggled to move up, it can't happen now for the Muscle Men either. Of interesting note is that AQ, MW, and PT all share the same record (6-3), however.

This week's loss also looks bad for San Antonio. Since LA has CH next week (an almost certain win), and KX has CN (likewise), the two will probably meet up in Week 11 for the championship. IF LA and KX both win next week (as is likely), all the talk about an early championship game will be moot. Week 11, LA vs. KX will decide our champion.

That's IF L.A. and KX win next week..."

[Coffee Warlord]

Antonio De La Tonio will never retire! He will be out there in a walker and adult diapers rushing for touchdowns, I tell ya.

[sachmo71]

Wow. And I really thought about taking a kicker in round two, also. I guess my defense wouldn't have been as good if that had happened.

Congrats, Marm! Take it all the way!

[Marmel]

Wooohoooo. we have a little bit of unfinished business this year, and now we don't havef to depend on anybody else.

[JAG]

Wow, kudos to the schedule-maker!

[illinifan999]

So we have the number 2 pick locked up right? And don't I also have 2 second rounders this draft?

[JeeberD]

I like playing my sister expansion team....

Gotta beat my old boss to make it to .500. I hope the boys are up to it...

[DolphinFan1]

Originally posted by JeeberD
I like playing my sister expansion team....

Gotta beat my old boss to make it to .500. I hope the boys are up to it...

No offense Jeeber, but you don't have a prayer.

[JeeberD]

Ooh, big talk for a man whose best player is a kicker...

[DolphinFan1]

Originally posted by JeeberD
Ooh, big talk for a man whose best player is a kicker...

ROFL, Jeeber, I don't have an answer to that one.

[revrew]

Originally posted by JeeberD
Ooh, big talk for a man whose best player is a kicker...

Very nice. Jeeber makes a strong showing for the Michael Jordan Trashtalking Trophy. Yo' mama...

[DolphinFan1]

Jeeber, it it wasn't for me you wouldn' t be where you are. Maybe I shouldn't have drafted you, you little ungrateful *&$%^&. J/K.

[JeeberD]

I'll always have a soft spot for Milwaukee. It was a nice, soft bench that you had me sitting on. But I still hope my boys take you to the woodshed. Nothing personal, I assure you...

[revrew]

Week 10 Results:

"Oh, the legs are getting tired as the season wears on. Some of our dominant teams didn't look quite so dominant this week.

Then, again, there is San Antonio. The Margaritas (7-2) picked up Fargo (1-8), then threw them back down again. Hard.

San Antonio's strategy was simple. Never let the 'Fish cross the 50-yard line. It wasn't until the third quarter, when QB Killer hit WR Shane for a 19-yard pickup that Fargo did cross the 50. And even though Fargo crossed again later, they never did get past the Margarita 20.

SA MLB Ray Lewis went double-digits in tackles again, DT Sack U picked up a pair of sacks, DE All Pro forced a fumble, and DE Ray O. Light grabbed a sack as well.

Meanwhile, the M&M boys pummeled Fargo behind the weakness-less offensive line, and San Antonio walks away with a brutal display of defensive prowess. Margaritas, 21-0."

*****
"For other defensive power, the LA Stars (8-1), however, it appears the aged DT Ed Norton has finally lost his legs. Against Chicago (1-8), Norton got pushed around, manhandled, and taken out of the game by the ever-dominant CH OG, Tom Sanders.

With Sanders blowing the holes wide open and FB Josh Hackenstein neutralizing the mighty MLB Brad Pitt, Chicago found a hole in the middle of the Star Crunch in which to run HB Randy Steele. Steele slammed, shifted, and spurt through the middle of the LA defense for 133 yards and 3 scores. LA safety Ray Liotta had to accumulate 17 tackles to slow the bleeding.

But speaking of bleeding, and speaking of old legs, the Chicago defense looked one step from the grave as the LA offense showed why the Stars are ready to grab their first title.

Chicago vet DE Jason Pepper was no match for LA OT Freddie Prinze, Jr., and OT Matthew McConaughey stuffed CH blazing rookie DE The Answer. Behind the OT screen, LA QB Bernie Mac lit up the sky. Rookie WR Ashton Kucher made a late-season bid for OROY, hauling in 168 yards and 2 scores. Fellow WR Joe Pesci also topped 100 and added his own TD strike.

With all the bombs flying around, the draw and delay worked wonders, and LA rookie HB Rodney Dangerfield streaked to a pair of scores himself.

The once great Eagle D gave up the ghost today. LA wins, 35-21."

*****
"LA won to advance to the championship game in week 11. But could Knoxville (8-1) follow suit? C'mon. They were playing Cinci (0-9).

But Knoxville showed a bit of tired legs themselves, particularly on the part of 37-year-old DT Uncle Jesse Jackson, who got roasted by Cinci rookie OG, So and So. With Cinci FB Pom Pom leading the way, Knoxville's middle (like LA's) was left horribly exposed. Cinci HB Bubs displayed another fine running game, this time racking up 144 yards on 30 carries, and punching in 3 scores.

In fact, Knoxville began to look a little vulnerable, tied with Cinci, 14-14 at the half.

But in the second half, a KX rookie stepped it up bigtime. CB Deion Jackson picked off a pair of CN QB James Earl Jones passes, and the field position enabled Knoxville to finish off the Chaps.

KX wins it big, but the score is a bit deceptive, 42-21."

*****
"The week's tightest, nail-bitinist game came in Birmingham, where the 3-6 Olympians hosted the Portland Sea Biscuits (6-3), who are riding a 5-game winning streak.

The league's best offensive line (PT) faced up against the best defensive line (BH). Portland entered the game a 3.5 point favorite, but frankly, I had my money on Birmingham. The Olympians have underachieved this year.

The defenses stepped it up immediately. Portland's 'Military Middle' bent a bit at the point of attack, but with MLB Sectoid Commander backing the line up, BH HB Artemis found zero room in the middle. Behind his rookie OT Cronus, Artemis managed a few yards, but Cronus and fellow young OT Atlas would have to give QB Zeus Reloaded some time to throw if the Olympians were going to topple Portland.

You remember how we were talking about tired legs?? How about 37-year-old PT HB Antonio De La Tonio. Tonio played the whole first quarter, but bumped and banged by a defensive line that would not let him pass, Antonio left the game after the first with 7 carries for -2 yards. Backup HB Ron Dayne fared litte better as the best D-line in football used a lot of speed to cover every gap. Wiht OLB Arkantos cleaning up the trash, Portland couldn't manage 50 total yards on the ground.

But the same could not be said for the air attack. Birmingham's CB Hades could not stop PT WR Manfred 'the ManChild, the Red Baron' von Richthofen. Manfred hauled in 14 passes, one for a TD.

Birmingham as well got a little air support as vet WR Revrew caught 8 passes for 103 yards and a score.

In the fourth quarter, the score was tied 7-7. Each defense had forced several 4 and outs, and the goallines hadn't seen much action.

With Portland driving for the win, BH DE Another Atlantis found some way to get around PT OT Lothar von Richthofen (Paddy O' has been sacked fewer times than any QB this season) and hit the Portland QB just as he released the ball.

Whether it affected the pass or not is hard to say, but it did affect the timing of the hot route, and Birmingham safety Odysseus stepped in front of the pass. He caught it, wriggled free of PT WR Khan Ogadai, danced around PT HB Ron Dayne and streaked to the endzone! It proved the decisive score as the Olympians protect home turf, winning 14-7."

*****
"Down in El Paso, GM JeeberD was looking to lead his Busters (4-5) over his former teammates, the Milwaukee Muscle Men (6-3).

To do it, Buster bash-backers would have to put the brakes on the most dominating running duo in the league, MW HB Ricky 'The Answer' Williams and MW FB Bulldozer. But Milwaukee chose to mix up the running game, trying to avoid EP dominant MLB Brian Bosworth by skirting around the outside. MW OT No Sacks Allowed played an excellent game, paving the way for Bulldozer to take out EP OLB Trev Alberts and HB Ricky Williams to pick up yards.

MW QB Dan Marino, Jr. pulled a bit of playaction and found young EP CB Bryan Westbrook too green to cover the veteran wideout The Flash.

Despite a solid buster effort, the Muscle Men were too well coached to be shut down.

For El Paso, the running game started strong, but soon MW OLB Superman keyed in on it, and the ground game ground to a halt. In the air, Ryan Leaf played a solid game through the first two quarters, tossing for 147 yards and a TD. But in the second half, Leaf was harrassed by MW all-star DE Rocky and OLB Superman on some cleverly disguised blitzes. An INT for rookie CB Patrick Surtain and and INT by "everywhere man" OLB Superman prevented the Busters from getting any more points on the board. MW wins, 21-7."

*****
"After the loss last week, Albuquerque (6-3) looked a bit demoralized. They'll finish a bridesmaid again, and before they can limp out the rest of the season, Little Rock (4-5), riding a 3-game winning streak, looked ready to pull an upset.

The Isotopes began in typical fashion, a Moe Sizzlack drive that resulted in a TD pass to WR The Cheat.

But on the first Willie possession, HB Rajah Saleem ran off tackle Renaldo Buckler, snuck behind a WR Stuart Rembert block, and streaked 80 untouched yards to the endzone.

After a couple of back and forths, Rajah scored again, and as we neared halftime, Little Rock held a 14-7 lead.

But, true to MVP form, Sizzlack led another long drive that resulted in another The Cheat TD before the half expired.

Albuquerque took the lead in the third on a HB Guy Incognito TD run, and then a Troy McClure INT brought an end to Little Rock's answering drive.

But just as AQ looked to put this thing away, LR DT Henry Blitzen and DE L.L.JeeberD met in the backfield, sandwiching Sizzlack and DT Lee Roy Buttersworth recovered the fumble.

This time, LR OT Keith 'Slap' Slapinski freed Rajah, and Saleem sprinted 94 yards for a score. Rajah ran for 254 yards on the day, including his 3 TDs.

The final, however, would be decided on a key play-action 3rd down play that sprung AQ WR Quagmire deep. LR Safety Beaumont Braxton had no hope of catching up 'Q', and 53 yards of 'he...could...go...all...the...way" ended with an Isotope victory, 28-21."

*****
Commish's recap
"The title all comes down to this next week. LA vs. KX for all the marbles. Will KX become our second two-time champ? Or will LA garner their first crown?

Looking at the matchup, LA DT Ed Norton looked tired against CH's OG Tom Sanders. Next week he faces an equally formidable foe in KX OG Fort Sumter Jackson. Knoxville will not be held scoreless. The matchup between KX FB veteran Samuel Jackson and LA MLB Brad Pitt will be crucial.

For L.A.'s offense, they will need to play mistake free. If they do, they should be able to put up enough points to support their D. Turnovers (or maybe even a kicker) will likely make the difference in this one.

Another game that should hold some interest, though on the opposite scale, is Fargo (1-9) vs. Cincinnati (0-10). Cinci may get their best shot at avoiding two winless seasons and 22 straight losses next week. Look for Chicago to watch this game intently as well."

[JAG]

A lot of jockeying for that 1st overall draft pick.

[JeeberD]

Congrats, DF. You are still the master and I am still the apprentice...

[sachmo71]

Good luck guys. either one of you would make a great champion. Maybe next year for the old Margaritas.

[DolphinFan1]

Thanks Jeeber. But 21-7 isn't really dominant. I need some good draft picks to keep pace or you may pass me next year.

[JeeberD]

I know. I was just trying to butter you up before my match with CW...

[digamma]

Bring it on Marmel.

[revrew]

FINAL WEEK RESULTS!

"The final week begins in Portland, where the 6-4 Portland Sea Biscuits hoped to finish high in the standings with a win over the improved Little Rock Slick Willies (4-6).

Unfortunately for the Willies, who has improved the most was made painfully clear in what turned into a Portland romp.

Rajah Saleem struggled against Portland's 'Military Middle' and its quick rookie OLB Zoinks McAllister, finishing the year with a rare, sub-100-yard game and a mere 2 TDs.

There was nothing subpar about Portland's offense, however. Protected well behind his inpenetrable offensive line, PT QB Paddy O' Leary threw the ball out to his amazin' pair o' wideouts and then stood back and watched. Manfred von Richthofen streaked off with a 42 and 67 yard TD run, bringing his total on the day to over 200 yards and 2 TDs. WR Khan Ogadai didn't catch as many, but his 73-yard crazylegs run that set up an Antonio De La Tonio TD plunge was one of the week's highlights.

In the end, Portland just dominated, 42-14."

*****
"With 1-9 Chicago visiting, the Albuquerque Isotopes (7-3) looked to finish off a solid year.

The Chicago ground game, however, showed solid production numbers yet again. HB Randy Steele and FB Josh Hackenstein ran over the Isotope D. If it weren't for AQ DT Nelson 'The Hammer' Muntz plugging things up and chasing down runners from behind, Chicago might have scored 6 touchdowns on the ground. Instead, the Eagles were held to a mere 234 yards and 3 TDs.

The Eagle passing game, however, went into the toilet. QB Mike Marino had a difficult day, out of sync and off target. He was sacked twice by Nelson Muntz and picked off twice by AQ safety Troy McClure, one of which went back for a TD.

Meanwhile, Albuquerque moved the ball well against Chicago's tired D. HB Guy Incognito ran one in behind OT Ralph 'Gig'em' Wiggum, and Sizzlack tossed in three short TD passes.

The final score: AQ, 35-21."

*****
"The rest of our games were decided by one TD or in overtime. Let's begin at The Gym, where the Muscle Men (7-3) hosted the Margaritas (8-2).

FOX carried the game, hoping the similarly impressive records would produce a good game. They guessed right.

No one has stopped Milwaukee's run game this year. Not until meeting a buzzsaw MLB named Ray Lewis. Lewis played like an animal today, always there, always in on the tackle, never letting MW HB Ricky Williams bust free, never letting MW FB Bulldozer gain too much. Milwaukee was forced to open up a passing game to move the ball. But this, of course, only left the QB open for SA DE All Pro and DT duo Sack U and Aragorn to rush. The three SA D-lineman recorded a total of 5 sacks, and Milwuakee was barely able to scrape 7 points on a brilliant, hardnosed run by Bulldozer.

San Antonio, however, faced a linebacker that equalled or excelled Ray Lewis today--a quiet ZFL superhero named Superman. The OLB shed every block and flew into the the fray, hauling in a ZFL-record 21 tackles and forcing a fumble that was recovered by MLB Zach Thomas. The Muscle Men did a great job today of playing a scheme where Zach Thomas and DEs Rocky and Wolverine forced SA's M&M backs to stick to their lanes. No cutbacks, no cuts the outside. Though M&M found a lane open often, it was never open for long as Superman met them in the gap and introduced them to the turf. San Antonio needed their best drive of the day to pull in 7 points, and at the end of regulation, the score was tied 7-7. Bring on the kickers!

SA kicker Eater of Sandwiches has seen 3 overtimes this season already, this making the fourth. His record isn't so great, accounting for San Antonio's only 2 losses. Unfortunately, against Milwaukee's Bruce Handily, Eater would account for a third.

Each kicker was teamed up with a pair of bikini-clad babes for a 3 on 3 sand volleyball game. Who knew Handily had such a wicked serve? Eater of Sandwiches and Tropicana tan were no match for Bruce and the Swedish team. Milwaukee takes away the win, 10-7."

*****
"Birmingham (4-6) vs. El Paso (4-6) featured another battle of equally matched teams with similar records. For Birmingham, it also represented a contest of pride, as the outcome would determine whether the Olympians finished ahead of, or behind, the former expansion squad in the standings.

Birmingham's HB Artemis had a difficult time running today. Though his offensive line enabled him to get through, El Paso backers Brian Bosworth and Trev Alberts stopped him short. Bench runner Roman showed equally little success, but did manage to punch in a touchdown.

For El Paso, it wasn't the linebackers, but B'ham's d-line that gave the Busters fits. Only on a fake HB toss left, FB toss right behind a sweeping OT Billy Milner did FB Rashaan Salaam manage to crack the goalline.

The game would be decided in the air. For Birmingham, WR Apollo was completely shut down by EP safety Patrick Bates, who wrapped up the INT crown with an INT in the third. But rookie EP CB Bryant Westbrook had a dickens of a time slowing crafty veteran, WR Revrew. The vet put up solid numbers in a game some speculate will be his last.

For El Paso, the passing game was slowed down by a killer pass rush (Atlantis and Another Atlantis) and a ballswatting safety named Odysseus. The Busters only managed to score once by air, bringing their total up to 14.

For B'ham, however, WR Revrew's second TD of the night proved the decisive score, and Birmingham takes it, 21-14."

*****
"The battle for the bottom proved quite heated as Fargo (1-9) faced off against Cincinnati (0-10).

As expected, Cinci's running game was in full force against Fargo's poor D. HB Bubs and FB Pom Pom combined for 184 yards and 3 scores. The passing game, meanwhile, struggled, especially with FG DT The Defense pressuring CN QB James Earl Jones up the middle. Is there a reason Jones still has a job? He stunk for LA; he stinks for CN.

Fargo's offense, meanwhile, cranked it up against Cinci's equally poor defense. HB Glutton for Punishment behind powerful blocker, FB Ty Wick was too much for even CN captain, DT The Poopsmith.

But in the air, Fargo also struggled. Young, speedy CN DEs Strong Mad and The Ugly One breathed some serious heat down FG QB Killer's neck. CB The Blacksmith benefited from the pressure, picking off a pair of Killer passes.

The lone Fargo TD pass came in the second, when Killer hit veteran WR Shane. Yet, when Glutton knocked in his third TD in the fourth, it proved decisive. FG wins, ensuring Chicago will finish second-to-last, FG, 28-21."

*****
"And now....For the big game!

ESPN and fellow network ABC (a first for the ZFL!) simulcast this all-or-nothing championship bonanza!

9-1 Los Angeles Stars vs. 9-1 Knoxville Rednecks. The amazing D versus the awesome O.

I just thank God ABC decided not to use John Madden for the broadcast. Instead, former ZFL star Robby 'Action' Jackson and former Isotope halfback I.M. Stopgap joined Al Michaels in the booth.

Robby: "The Key for Knoxville will be guard Fort Sumter Jackson. If he can move the middle and allow Knoxville to pick up first downs and hang on to the ball long enough, the Rednecks will find a way to win."

Stopgap: "For L.A., the key has to be getting a solid offensive game. They won't shutout the Rednecks, so they need to gain confidence by getting on the board. Knoxville is a bit weak at defensive end and linebacker, so look for LA QB Bernie Mac to try to put the Stars on the board early."

Michaels: "We're just about ready to begin. Now, remember, in the ZFL there is no kicking game. The Rednecks have won the coin toss, so they will force the Stars to begin with the ball on their own 20-yard-line. There's no punting, so if the Stars fail to produce a first-down, Knoxville will take over. It's common to see teams give away the first possession to try to get good field position. We'll see if it's the right move as the ZFL championship game gets underway!"

For Knoxville, it proved a smart move as KX DT Josiah Jackson plowed into the middle and prevented LA from getting even 1 first down on their first possession. It gave Knoxville 1st and 10 on the LA 29. A few plays later, Knoxville looking efficient even against the Star Crunch, the Rednecks took the lead on a HB Leon Jackson 2-yard TD run that was set up by a pass to the amazing JJ.

L.A.'s second drive (they are allowed to begin on the 40 with their second possession) proved more successful as LA rookie HB Rodney Dangerfield answered by running off tackle Freddie Prinze, Jr. for a 6-yard TD plunge.

LA took the lead on their very next drive with a Bernie Mac to Joe Pesci TD toss.

After that, the defenses stepped up. KX QB Thumbless Jackson was sacked 3 times in the first half, as the KX tackles had no answer for season sack-leader, LA DE Toby McGwire.

L.A., likewise suffered as KX DT Josiah Jackson dominated in the middle, disrupting running and passing alike.

At the start of the second half, KX tied it up on their first possession as a WR screen allowed JJ to weave 24 yards for a TD.

Throughout the game, as the two teams slugged it out, exchanging the occasional scores, great defensive plays, and the lead, the knawing question was...when will a turnover turn the tide?

Knoxville's Leon Jackson ran well as OGs Fort Sumter and Lee Davis Jackson paved a hole in the middle and FB Samuel Jackson messed with LA MLB Brad Pitt. Thanks to Leon and the occasional big pass to JJ, Knoxville stuck in there.

But LA QB Bernie Mac was efficient. His completion percentage was running at 72 as he used receivers and passes in the flat to HB Rodney Dangerfield to keep Knoxville off balance. The result was points on the board.

With only a few minutes left, Knoxville trailing, 28-21, the Rednecks drove down to the LA 4-yard-line. On 4th and inches, just a breath away from the endzone, KX FB Samuel 'The South Will Rise Again' took the quick handoff and dove into the middle...

But LA MLB Brad Pitt leaped the pile, skying over Redneck offensive linemen, and crushed Samuel Jackson in his tracks. A loss on the play meant a turnover on downs, LA's ball.

LA handed off to Rodney. Little gain, Knoxville timeout. To Rodney, little gain, timeout. To Rodney...

But Knoxville DE Robert E. Jackson stripped the ball! It's loose! The refs stop the clock and try to pry loose the bodies. Who has it?

Knoxville DT Uncle Jesse Jackson comes up with the ball! There's hope yet! (Rodney, with that fumble you can kiss the OROY award good-bye...)

With only a few seconds and one timeout, Knoxville goes back to the bread and butter. Lead the way, fair Fort Sumter! Sumter slams into LA DT Ed Norton...Samuel and Brad Pitt collide again...and Leon Jackson runs 6 yards into the endzone! Touchdown! Touchdown!

But soft...what fate shouldst befall our gladiators?? Harken unto the scoreboard, which reads 28-28. Tis a tie!

BRING ON THE KICKERS!!!

L.A.'s Little Val Kilmer
Knoxville's Eli Manning

The contest: Slap-shot shootout. Though ice doesn't survive in the Knoxville heat, a little field hockey doesn't hurt. But none of those sissy, short curved sticks the ladies use. And forget the typical, slow-moving, field hockey ball.

A local country club rolled their mower out to the fifty yard line and mowed down the grass shorter than a drill-sargeant's flattop. A net was set up, and each player was given three pieces of equipment: a hockey stick, a baseball mit, and a racquetball. 5 shots, or sudden death until it's all over. Bring it on!

Little Val up first. He swings high, let's it fly, and zip! Up over the net, and about 30 rows deep into the endzone. Holy crap, did he rip that one, but too high.

They switch and Eli takes a shot. Pow....pop! It clanks off the left pole and careens into the stands.

Second for Val...and he sails wide!

Second for Eli...and oh, that's gotta hurt! Square into the chest of Val Kilmer in goal. 0-0.

Third for Val...he swings...and misses the ball completely. It's still just lying there. But since it didn't move, he gets another swing. (not like a guy from LA knows how to play hockey, y'know). Pop...ding! He goes stick side high and scores a goal. Or, as they say in Argentina, GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLL!

Third for Eli...and boom! He follows suit! Stick side high is good! GOOOOOOOOOOOAAALL! 1-1.

Fourth for Val. The swing....and the miss. Whoa, not even close.

Fourth for Eli. The swing...and doink! Off the pole again, and this time into the crowd on the other side. Hey, nothing like giving the crowd a little something to do besides SCREAM THEIR BLOODY HEADS OFF! The place is thumpin, bumpin, jumpin as each shot now means life or death, champs or chumps for these two squads.

Val takes his next shot. We're as good as sudden death now. Val rips it...and it goes glove-side low, careens off Eli's leg, and it's good! 2-1!

Putting the pressure on. Eli's gotta come through in the clutch.

Eli swings, he rips it....and 20,000 flash bulbs pop all over the stadium! There's a blinding light! Eli stands dazed, the crowd is going bananas, but what happened??? Where's the ball??? In the net?

Eli looks confused. His eyesight is adjusting now, from red, to green, to clear. The stands grow hushed. There's some murmuring...the ball doesn't appear to be in the net...

Just then, Little Val Kilmer walks up to Eli Manning. He has a slight swagger, and a sly, but barely perceptible grin curls the corner of his lip. He holds out his glove and turns it palm side down. Then, Kilmer winks, open the glove, and the racquetball falls to the ground! Kilmer caught it! No goal, and Kilmer wins the overtime! The Los Angeles Stars are the new ZFL champions!!! The final score, LA, 31-28!

*******
Season 5 final standings
Los Angeles: 10-1
Knoxville: 9-2
San Antonio: 8-3
Milwaukee: 8-3
Albuquerque: 8-3
Portland: 7-4
Birmingham: 5-6
El Paso: 4-7
Little Rock: 4-7
Fargo: 2-9
Chicago: 1-10
Cincinnati: 0-11

Thus, this is the reverse order of the draft. Stay tuned for stat leaders, the all-ZFL selections, and voting for the ZFL ProBowl.

Congratulations, Marmel and the LA Stars!

[korme]

Marmel first!
Me last!

Its a beautiful thing. 'grats Marmeybaby.

[JAG]

What a great finish to a great season. There are so many teams bunched towards the top that have a decent shot to win it all next year...heck, it seems like just a kicker separated LA, Knoxville, and San Antonio.

Great write-ups as always rev. Go ZFL!

[Coffee Warlord]

I'm just mildly pleased we proved that asshole Schlereth wrong.

[sachmo71]

Way to go, Marmel!

[Swaggs]

Man I hate Marmel.

[DolphinFan1]

Congrats Marmel.

Hey, we finished 8-3 our best ever.

[JeeberD]

Congrats Marm!

Well, I doubled my wins this year. Not too shabby. But I can't wait for the draft so that I can solidify a couple of positions...

[Marmel]

Holy cow.

[Marmel]

Thanks everyone.

It seemed like yesterday we had 4 wins in our first 3 seasons.

[illinifan999]

Grats Marm!

[The Afoci]

Ah, my favorite time of the year, the draft. We still have hope then.

[MIJB#19]

Great season with much thanks to the brilliant scheduling.

May Cincinnati have an offense and a defense next season...

[NevStar]

congrats!

[revrew]

Season Ending Statistical Leaders and Awards

Rushing Leaders:
Rajah Saleem - LR
Randy Steele - CH
Ricky Williams - MW

Rushing TD Leaders:
Rajah Saleem - LR
Leon Jackson - KX
Randy Steele - CH

Passing Yards:
Moe Sizzlack - AQ
'Thumbless' Jackson - KX
Paddy O'Leary - PT

Passing TDs:
Moe Sizzlack - AQ
'Thumbless' Jackson - KX
Paddy O'Leary - PT

Passing Efficiency:
Paddy O'Leary - PT
'Thumbless' Jackson - KX
Moe Sizzlack - AQ

Pancakes:
(OG) Tom Sanders - CH
(OG) Fort Sumter Jackson - KX
(FB) Bulldozer - MW

Tackles:
(OLB) Superman - MW
(MLB) Ray Lewis - SA
(MLB) Brad Pitt - LA

Sacks:
(DE) Toby McGwire - LA
(DE) All Pro - SA
(DE) Another Atlantis - BH

INTS:
(S) Patrick Bates - EP
(S) Troy McClure - AQ
(CB) *Deion Jackson - KX


OPOY: Moe Sizzlack- AQ
DPOY: Ray Lewis - SA
O-lineman OY: Fort Sumter Jackson - KX

MVP: Moe Sizzlack - AQ
DROY: Aragorn - SA
OROY: Billy Milner - EP

"The rookie of the year voting was the closest it has ever been as this year's class made a huge impact. LA's Ashton Kucher and Rodney Dangerfield both made a strong showing in the OROY voting. KX CB Deion Jackson trailed Aragorn by a mere 3 votes, and MW CB Patrick Surtain wasn't far behind that. Congratulations, gentlemen."

* Denotes rookie

[JeeberD]

Congrats Patrcik and Billy! El Paso hails you as heros...

[revrew]

[b]ZFL All-Pro 1st Team:[b]
QB: Moe Sizzlack - AQ
HB: Rajah Saleem - LR
FB: Bulldozer - MW
WR: Manfred von Richthofen - PT
WR: Jackson Jackson - KX
OG: Fort Sumter Jackson - KX
OG: Tom Sanders - CH
OT: Freddie Prinze, Jr. - LA
OT: Ralph Wiggum - AQ

DT: Colonel Joseph C. McCormick III - PT
DT: Hera - BH
DE: Toby McGwire - LA
DE: All-Pro - SA
MLB: Ray Lewis - SA
OLB: Superman - MW
S: Patrick Bates - EP
CB: Paul Sorvino - LA

Kicker: Little Val Kilmer - LA

*****
[b]ZFL All-Pro 2nd Team:[b]
QB: 'Thumbless' Jackson
HB: Randy Steele - CH
FB: Josh Hackenstein - CH
WR: The Cheat - AQ
WR: Revrew - BH
OG: Erik Flamebeard of the Neither Here Nor There - PT
OG: Stinkoman - CN
OT: Leonardo Ruis Al Elvaro - PT
OT: *Billy Milner - EP

DT: Captain Bipto - PT
DT: The Defense - FG
DE: Another Atlantis - BH
DE: Rocky - MW
MLB: Brad Pitt - LA
OLB: *Kearney - AQ
S: Troy McClure - AQ
CB: *Deion Jackson - KX

Kicker: Bruce 'I'll kick your butt' Handily - MW

*Denotes rookie

[sachmo71]

I had a good defense this year...

[tucker342]

well, just got caught up, it's time to make some changes to my team....

[digamma]

Congrats Marmel. Another overtime thriller.

4 of those for me this year. Just shows how competitive the league is.

[tucker342]

congrats Marmel

[MIJB#19]

On to ZFL 6....

[revrew]

Not just yet...we have the probowl and injuries update to conquer first. Then the draft...

By the way: illini, you do have an additional second round pick--you traded for Knoxville's pick.

Marmel - you have an additional 3rd round pick - you traded for ALbuquerque's.

There will only be 3 rounds in the draft this year.