YAHD---Everyone panic! The Crawfish have lasers!!!

[Qwikshot]

Does Chavez talk?

[Marmel]

The best part of this dynasty is that nothing actually happens.

It was started a week ago, and is on the second page, and what has happened? One friendly, and a few dead players.

[The Afoci]

The Tennessee FC

In what will be the first ever Cup game for the Fighting Crawfish, Tennessee FC, a computer run team, should be no problem. But because stamina is being trained, Felix "Coach" Gruber has decided to go with his starting squad to keep up the form.

Meanwhile in a secret hide out not so far away...

The Afoci awakes in a cold sweat from his nightmares of when he was 12. The great Crawfish who first gave him the idea, gave him a goal.... a dream to have Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws. He knew what had to be done. A smile came to his face. The plan was great, perhaps his greatest. The secret to getting Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws was all in Chavez "the dope finding" Dog. In his poop.

"Number Two" said The Afoci "Get me that dog!"

"What the hell are you talking about" said Mikey "Number Two" Denney "What dog?"

Realizing his mistake he filled Mikey "Number Two" Denney in on what he was thinking(edit for all the perverts below ). A crying Number Two embraced The Afoci and they just cried and talked. Number Two sent guards out looking for Chavez "the dope finding" Dog.

Mysteriously a phone rings. The Afoci picks it up.

"You need to make brownies" said the mysterious voice "if you want to talk to Chavez "the dope finding" Dog. Only with brownies will you communicate with him..."

"Jesus?" asked The Afoci.

"Yes?" said the voice.

"Yes, I knew it was you." said The Afoci

"Damn it" said Jesus "Just make your brownies and communicate with the dog. I always fall for that one. When will I learn...."

The phone then disconnected.

"I just talked to Jesus" said The Afoci to Number Two "and he wants me to make brownies. And he was talking and it disconnected, because [breaking into his hair band voice and with Warrant now blaring from his Stereo system] Heaven isn't too far away!!!"

The Afoci was swaying back in forth, lighter in the air.

Number Two gets up, walks to the stereo and shuts it off. "Actually it is because we are broke and they shut off the phones."

"Yeah, that sucks" says The Afoci "Now lets make some brownies."

These weren't your average brownies, no, these were special. With about an about a quarter ounce of a green leafy substance communication with Chavez "the dope finding" Dog would be possible.

The guards return with dog in had. They set him down. The Afoci, about 3/4 done with his brownies, turns to him and looks slyly at the dog.

"So you like peanut butter, cutie" asksThe Afoci

"Eat me" says Chavez "the dope finding" Dog.

They continue witty banter back and forth and after The Afoci feeds him the rest of the brownies, Chavez "the dope finding" Dog comes and sits on the chair next to him.

"Hey, man, I am sorry what I did to that Crawfish" says Chavez "the dope finding" Dog "I don't like the dog I was then. I was cruel and mean...damn, these are good brownies"

"Hey don't worry about it man" says The Afoci "It was destiny, now look where we are, we are good kids having good times... You know what we should do?"

"Man, no!" says Chavez "the dope finding" Dog "I don't like peanut butter! Let it go!"

"Damn" says The Afoci "Okay. Umm...How about we get a pizza?"

They order a pizza and eat it. They continue talking. Chavez "the dope finding" Dog pledges his help to The Afoci and the goal to make Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws.

Laughter could be heard from the secret hide out as the team boarded the bus to go to the cup games...

"No" says Chavez "the dope finding" Dog "you tricked Jesus, that is so cool"....

[Mountain]

"Realizing his mistake he filled Mikey 'Number Two' Delaney."

I don't really know if I want the answer to this but what did you mean by this highly disturbing statement? Filled him with what? God I hope its not where you put your peanut butter.

[Marmel]

Ack! I thought we were going to get another match recap.

It was nice to see Chavez "The dope finding" Dog though.

[The Afoci]

Originally posted by Mountain
"Realizing his mistake he filled Mikey 'Number Two' Delaney."

I don't really know if I want the answer to this but what did you mean by this highly disturbing statement? Filled him with what? God I hope its not where you put your peanut butter.

Sorry, i wasn't clear here. He filled him in on what happened when he was 12 and why he wanted to see Chavez "the dope finding" Dog. He thought of it when he was knocked out.

[Coffee Warlord]

Originally posted by Marmel
Ack! I thought we were going to get another match recap.

It was nice to see Chavez "The dope finding" Dog though.

Since when did this dynasty have anything to do with Hattrick?

[leverb66]

Originally posted by Mountain
"Realizing his mistake he filled Mikey 'Number Two' Delaney."

I don't really know if I want the answer to this but what did you mean by this highly disturbing statement? Filled him with what? God I hope its not where you put your peanut butter.

This one REALLY scared me too.

BoB

[The Afoci]

Victory!!!!

The crowd of 3246 turning up at Tennessee Road today were greeted by some nasty showers of rain and Crawfish. Tennessee tactics involved an interesting 4-4-2 combination. The following players had been chosen: Eldridge - Hyde, Fritz, Joseph, Engel - Michael, Allison, Lumpkin, Lovett - Harman, Lockwood.

Fighting started off with a 4-5-1 lineup. They fielded: Bossio - Gorostarzu, de Oliveira, Cherry, Simic - Mughal, Danielsson, Kline, Woodson, Uddstad - Rannem .

Daniel Mughal came close to putting the visiting team one up in the 10:th minute, following a solo raid down the middle, but Stevie Eldridge managed to tip the ball to a corner. Fighting´s "You better guard your daughters or else they will be" Les "their" Cherry"s" could have put the guests one up in the 14:th minute, chasing a through ball but Stevie Eldridge was fast as a snake, grabbing the ball from under his nose. The terraces were silenced in the 27:th minute as Fighting´s Dan Woodson put the guests ahead 0 - 1, following an attack from the right. Dan Woodson was, after 39 minutes, almost able to extend the visitors lead with a well placed diving header but home side keeper Stevie Eldridge saved. Tennessee made a substitution in the 39:th minute. Alfred Lumpkin limped off the field after mysteriously finding a Crawfish attached to his sack and was replaced by Dom Owens. Fighting appeared unsure on how to play after witnessing the carnage. Dom Owens pulled a real crowd pleaser as he, in the 42nd minute, wove through the guests whole central defense line and put the 1 - 1 equaliser away. Halftime score was 1 - 1. This part of the game had been a standoff between the teams.

Fighting -coach, Felix "Coach" Gruber had an extra briefing during the break, and after that his players looked a lot more organized. They also snuck over and placed angry Crawfish in Stevie Eldridge jock, thus limiting his effectiveness. Fighting´s "I am a big mean fire breathing" Dragan Simic gave the visitors a 1 - 2 lead in the 46:th minute with a superb strike from the right. He then lit himself on fire to celebrate and was rather ineffective with the smell of burned hair and flesh making him ill. In the 75th minute the visitors put themselves ahead 1 - 3 as Dan Woodson finished off an attack from the left with a spectacular scissors ninja kick. Some fine manouvering on the left lead to an 83rd minute Fighting goal, making it 1 - 4. Mikey Kline was noted down as the scorer. The structure of the game started to change as Fighting decided to pull back and meet their opponents in the defensive zone. Fighting appeared unsure on how to play. Gustav Danielsson received some harsh words from his coach after he acted foolishly, probably because he was seen eating some special brownies on the sidelines, in the 84:th minute and almost caused an opponent to score. In the games 84:th minute "You better guard your daughters or else they will be" Les "their" Cherry"s" nearly put the visitors another one up as he broke through and fired from just outside the box, his shot passed just over the bar. "You better guard your daughters or else they will be" Les "their" Cherry"s" of Fighting received a yellow card in the 87:th minute for trying to dry hump a ref. Fighting held the ball, with a clear 57 percent possession rate, but only kicked it around about 10 percent of the time.

Most important Tennessee player was Stevie Eldridge. Trent Joseph on the other hand, had a terrible day. Most important Fighting player was Manuel Bossio. João Fernando de Oliveira on the other hand, had a terrible day and was forced to endure the ride home singing folks songs naked on the bus. Luckily no one got injured. The match ends 1 - 4.

[On a side note, I am a little short on time now, so there may or may not be an update on Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws. I don't want this to slip the wrong way and start to be too much about soccer ]

[Marmel]

"He then lit himself on fire to celebrate"

Heh. That is great! I can see the cover of SI right now, with him engulfed in flames.

[The Afoci]

...WOW, Felix, Your Stamina has definately improved....

A weird noise is coming from the secret hide out. It is squeaky and some would say it is getting freaky. The Afoci walks down the stairs to the door. He stops and listens by the door.

"Felix "Coach" Gruber, your stamina has definately improved...Ohhh...." says Number Two.

The Afoci busts through the door and sees...and sees something he never thought he would see...Number Two getting it in the number two hole....

"AHHHHH!!!!!" screams The Afoci as he sits up on his bed awaking from his horrible nightmare. He roles to his left and sees empty peanut butter cans. He turns to his right, Chaves "the dope finding" Dog is smoking and has some peanut butter around his mouth.

"Not bad for a dog, huh?" says Chaves "the dope finding" Dog.

"AHHHHH!!!!!!" screams The Afoci awaking from yet another horrible dream. He looks to his left. Nothing. He looks to his right. A pan of half eaten brownies. He realises what has happened.

"Sir" says Number Two wearing a pink feathered scarf, "We had 8 new supports join Project Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws. We also were able to steal about $5000 from their concession stands on the way out. Not a bad week. We also got news of our next game. I will review it today and go over it with you tomorrow."

"Great" says The Afoci "But why the hell are you wearing a pink feathered scarf?"

"Well" says Number Two "I am starting to realize that being a goalie isn't going to make me my fortune. I am taking dancing lessons and I want to be a Showgi....I mean a Showgu...umm....I guess I want to just dance you know."

"Ummm..." says The Afoci "This won't effect your role in Project Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws will it?"

"No" says Number Two "I will never let my determination and desire for Project Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws die."

"What do you think of Felix "Coach" Gruber?" says The Afoci.

"Uh..." says Number Two "He's nice. Why, has he said anything about me?" he says blushing now.

The Afoci walks out of the room, and up to the New Fighting Crawfish Arena, which is only days away from completion. The men are all out on the feild preparing for the days practice. A whistle blows and they form a line. Coach walks in front of them talking about how proud his is of this last weeks victory and the practices they have had. He then dismisses them for breakfast.

"The Afoci" says Coach "This last week was great. We won our game as you know and our training went better than we could have ever imagined. Nearly everyone went up in stamina with almost no drops in form. We actually had about 5 people go up in form."

"Yeah...Yeah..." says The Afoci "Great, um, I was going through some request forms and you want the team colors to be Pink and Purple.."

Interupting, Coach says "Actually Fuscia."

"Um..." says The Afoci "No... we won't be doing that."

"Sir" says Coach "Is it wrong to have a coach date a player?"

"You said cheerleader, right?" says The Afoci "Right?"

"No" says Coach "I said player, mainly Number Two. Hit it."

At that moment, Prince is blaring over the loud speakers of the stadium and everyone starts dancing. The Afoci takes of running.

"My team is GAY!!!!!" he screams.

"April Fools!!!!!!!!" screams the team together.

"It is the 4th today" says The Afoci confused "Isn't that on the 1st of April?"

"Yes" says a voice from the heavens. "Don't fuck with the Jesus or everyday will be April Fools day."

A lightning bolt then hits the ground in the middle of the stadium.

"Ah..." says the voice from the heavens "You thought I was actually mad at you. Humans, so dumb sometimes....."

Everyone starts laughing and then suddenly the lights come on in the stadium.

"We have power" says The Afoci "Jesus gave us power!!!!"

"Um..." says Number Two "yeah, it could be that or the fact we paid our bill."

As they all dance and rejoice in a lit stadium, a lone Crawfish is seen on top of the new Jumbotron which is usually showing Jenna Loves Brianna.

Pointing to the Jumbotron, The Afoci shouts to his men "That is the Crawfish, that is the Crawfish who will be the first to get the new and improved Laser Blasters instead of Claws. MMMUUUUHHHHAAAHHHHAAAAAA *cough* *cough*... Damn it, that was my best evil laugh ever, and I cough. This sucks. He walks away shaking his head.

"Don't worry The Afoci" says Number Two "You'll get them next time..."

[The Afoci]

Maraxuses, Shmaraxuses!

"You better guard your daughters or else they will be" Les "their" Cherry"s" has been sent out to deal with the "threat" of Maraxuses forward Jonathan Pace. My his wife enjoy "You better guard your daughters or else they will be" Les "their" Cherry"s" newfound stamina.

They are my first league opponent this year (obviously) and were the first league team I didn't lose to last year (2-2). They seem to be a better team all around than the teams they play(poor MF, Exc attacks), yet they tie or lose to them. I need to beat them to start the season right. I am planning on 352 and going defensive wingbacks, with my left side middie and winger offensive and my right middie defensive and my right wing towards the middle to help get my midfield up.

Everyone off the bus, Ivar "why couldn't my name be Ivan" Rannem made a messy.

Tragedy was adverted on the way to mabboud Arena in Nebraska. Nearly everyone made it off the bus when Ivar "why couldn't my name be Ivan" Rannem crapped himself on a triple dog dare. What many thought would be a log turned into a liquidy, chuncky, and most importantly stinky suprise. The sad moment came when Number Two realized the choosen Crawfish was still on the bus. He returned to the bus and upon going by Ivar "why couldn't my name be Ivan" Rannem seat, he slipped, fell in the poo and crushed the choosen Crawfish. A tear filled memorial service was held at a local gas station bathroom.

Hopefully this won't effect the teams play today.

[The Afoci]

The French Connection...

"Damn it Coach" yells The Afoci "How could we not see this before. The French. We were outsmarted by the God Damn French. We must make an example out of him. He must suffer like no other has suffered. He must feel the anger of Crawfish everywhere and send the message back to France!"

Narrator:

As you can see, The Afoci is very upset on this gameday. He has found that the French have infiltrated the Youth Squad which now is being reported as passable. He also believes that the reason Project Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws is running behind because "what the hell do the French know about blowing stuff up?"

To prove a point to the team that this is very serious, they made a purchase, a sacrifice. His name is Lenny Hart, the latest youth pull for the Galesburg Avengers. He was aquired for a bucket of Crab Legs(I bet you can't guess which kind of Crabs those are!).

Everyone is getting ready to go on the field down in Nebraska, but The Afoci wants his squad to know, this is a league game and only the best will be accepted!

Lars-Olof "Chris Gaines" Uddstad, Get the BOOM BOX!

The whole squad, with exception of the 2 unlucky fellows, Lenny Hart and Pierre-Albert Alexandre(the 20 year old weak keeper youth pull), are dancing to the sweet beats of DUT DUT DUT UH, ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST...AND ANOTHER ONE AND ANOTHER ONE...

"Release the Crawfish!!!!" screams Number Two.

With that 100s of angry, and I mean angry Crawfish were released to kill, crush and destroy Lenny Hart and Pierre-Albert Alexandre. They screamed like the ladies with "You better watch your daughters or they will be" Les "their" Cherry"s". Only in agony, not pleasure, except that one time "You better watch your daughters or they will be" Les "their" Cherry"s" got the wrong hole, because that was agony. So yeah, like the time "You better watch your daughters or they will be" Les "their" Cherry"s" stuck it in the wrong hole.

It is sad to know that the last words of Lenny Hart and Pierre-Albert Alexandre were similiar to those of a girl getting it in the number two torpedo hole by accident.

The team took notice, and so did the Maraxuses. Many were seen trembling in fear. Rumors are running rampant as laughter was heard from the locker room as The Afoci was unveiling to Coach and Number Two the secret weapon he had brought along. Could it be the unveiling of the first successful Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws??? or is it a Idiots Guide to Soccer Tactics. Only time will tell, only time will tell.

[Mountain]

Ahhhhh. I see Cherry uses one of my perosnal favorite tactics, the "accidental" slip. "Ohh!!! I'm sorry honey, I didn't mean to do that, . . . did that hurt?"

[The Afoci]

Let the Pummeling Continue!!!!!

The crowd of 10583 turning up at mabboud Arena today were greeted by some nasty showers of rain and Crawfish. maraxuses had chosen a strategic 3-5-2 formation. They fielded: Schaefer - Mackey, Knölby, Price - Aguirre De Cárce, Zabers, Buchan, Ripollés, Kelley - Pace, Dennis.

Fighting had chosen a strategic 3-5-2 formation. They fielded: Bossio - Gorostarzu, de Oliveira, Simic - Rossi, Danielsson, Kline, Woodson, Mughal - Rannem , Darden.

After 3 minutes maraxusess José Luis Ripollés had to be carried off on a stretcher in agony after he was hit by a stray laser. Many believed it to have come from the smoking pile of goo that used to be A Crawfish with Laser Blaster instead of Claws. [b]Luke "I don't need a nickname because my name is" Beavers[b] came in instead of him. Jazeps Zabers gave his maraxuses the lead with 1 - 0, as he successfully challenged both the guests central defenders, then placed the ball unreachably at the goaltenders right post. After several obvious shirt pulling incidents, maraxuses´s Luke Beavers got himself booked. The referee showed maraxusess Jonathan Pace the yellow card after a particularly nasty challenge after hearing the taunts from "You better guard your daughters or they will be" Les "their" Cherry"s" about how his wife sucked in bed. Literally or figuritively it isn't nice. "I am a big, fire breathing" Dragan Simic showed great fighting spirit and didn´t seem to mind the rain at all. Fighting could level the score in the 25:th minute at 1 - 1, as Christian Rossi struck home after a fine midfield combination, leaving him completely unmarked. 1 - 1 was the half-time score. The fortyfive minutes were dominated by Fighting, with an impressive 55 percent possession of the ball, they celebrated by getting drunk. A rather unorthodox technique.

Daniel Mughal was dominating his wing and kept sending fine balls into the enemy box - Christian Rossi managed to kick one of them into 1 - 2 in the 49:th minute. Fightings Daniel Mughal got himself booked after a foul for doing the funky chicken. maraxuses were forced to a substitution as Bernard Schaefer couldn´t continue playing due to the rough treatment and a mysterious Crawfish attached to his sack. Fighting´s Christian Rossi received a play slashing through the home side´s defense in the 71st minute, chipping it past the keeper scoring 1 - 3. The home crowd was not pleased with that one. By then Christian Rossi was a three time scorer - a hat trick! The visitors Mikey Kline took advantage of an error due to a misunderstanding between the home side´s goalie and full backs in the 79:th minute. 1 - 4 for Fighting. After 82 minutes a combination in the middle resulted in a through ball for Dan Woodson who increased Fighting´s lead to 1 - 5. After this Fighting lowered the tempo in order to concentrate on their defensive efforts. The fortyfive minutes were dominated by Fighting, with an impressive 57 percent possession of the ball.

maraxuses´s best player was Floyd Price. Timothy Valdez on the other hand, had a terrible day. Fighting´s best player was Manuel "the" Bossio. Daniel Mughal on the other hand, had a terrible day, yet another naked folk song bus ride. The match ends 1 - 5.

After the match, the team was met by 13 new supporters bring in the total to 617.

After the celebration and half man/half women strippers left, the team sat quietly in the secret hide out as someone knocked on the door.

"Open up" screamed the voice "We know your in there! Your tranny strippers tried to feel me up, but it won't scare me away. The Afoci you need to pay your bills or we will be closing down this little soccer club of yours. You have two weeks to make a payment or its over!"

After he left, The Afoci felt the need to address the team.

"Men" says The Afoci "as many of you saw, we had our first semi-successful test of Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws. We are so close to our goal, if only he didn't explode into a fiery ball of Crawfish goo. It is very important we win the Cup game. If we don't we won't make our debt payments and we will be shut down...."

Everyone started crying and the lights were cut to conserve electricity and there dignity!

[The Afoci]

Lets get it on----YEAH BABY!!!!

Our hero, The Afoci sitting in the dark, with only a small amount of light coming from the door to the secret hide out, remembers back in the good ole days when he had money. No, not a few days ago when he was able to purchase more peanut butter for his "guard dogs", but back when he was a child. A boy of only 15 years of age....

[Flashback]

The year was 1995. When most youth his age were rebelling against everything, The Afoci stayed seculded mostly in his room plotting the early stages of what would eventually become Operation Crawfish with Laser Blaster instead of Claws. Although at that stage, his plan involved a daily workout plan for the Crawfish. They would be faster, stronger, and smarter than any Crawfish in the world, thus perfect for taking it over.

"What's 2 + 2" screamed The Afoci at one of the Crawfish. It sat silently. "Damn it you fool. I have been trying to teach you this for days now!" Splat. He crushed it with his feet. "NOOOO, what have I done. What horrible urge could bring me to destroy my mighty Crawfish?"

After pondering that for a matter of moments, The Afoci realized that he had the money to purchase another one, a better one. So he leashed up the remaining 3 Crawfish, grabbed 60 dollars from his Vanilla Ice piggy bank and began a journey. A journey to purchase the greatest Crawfish ever... If only it had been that easy...

Now walking 3 Crawfish down the mean streets of Hawley Minnesota wasn't as easy as you would suspect. For some reason, people would point and laugh at him. They would stop laughing once they had become Super Crawfish he said. They only laughed harder...

As he approached what appeared to be a rather menacing youth on the sidewalk, The Afoci positioned the Crawfish into the popular triangle defensive formation. You couldn't be to careful out there. The youth had only one arm, rumor was that Chavez "the dope finding" Dog ripped if from him in a drug bust. Only him and Jesus knew the truth...unless anyone else witnessed it, because then they would know the truth too. But then again, maybe the youth told some people, so they would probably know the truth also. So probably 2-50 people knew the truth, but The Afoci didn't. The man offered him some weed for only 20 bucks. After thinking about it for a minute, The Afoci reached into his pocket, pulled out a twenty and slyly said "I was planning on planting some weeds in the principals yard, this makes it much easier now..."

He then continues down the sidewalk. A little further up was a nice lady. She always talked to The Afoci. She really liked to play card games, because she always talked about "turning tricks". She must have liked to gamble too, because the buy in apparently was always twenty dollars. Today, The Afoci decided, would be his lucky day, and boy was it.

"Hi there Ma'am" said The Afoci "are you looking for some action?" He had heard some people gambling say they were looking for action, so he said it trying to look experienced.

"Sure, what do you want?" she said

"What do you want to do?" he said back, unsure of what to say.

"Lets go in to this alley quick, it will make it easier." she said.

"Alright then, should I bring my Crawfish with me?" he said.

"That will cost you extra" she said "And what the hell would you want to do with them?"

Trying not to look stupid, he replies "Nothing, I am just out training them to take over the world!" Calming down slightly he walks towards her.

"Yeah...great" she said "give me my twenty and lets go.

He hands her the money and walks into the alley. Imagine his suprise when he thought she was trying to mug him. She reached for his pants and he responded with a "JUDO CHOP!" and drilled her upside the head.

"Oh, I see kid" she said "Ya like it rough!" She then grabbed him and put him over her leg and started spanking him. This is free because I like you. A struggling The Afoci tries to work free when she grabs Little The Afoci. He immediately passes out. "Damn kid" she said "Your quick!".

When he awakes, he realises his Crawfish are gone. He sits crying against the wall. He then stands up and vows never to let anyone or anything get in his dream of world domination!

"Whats this, looks like icing" said The Afoci "Ewww, kinda salty..."

[/Flashback]

Maybe we should just forget that last part...

[DataKing]

I think I'm gonna be sick...

[Qwikshot]

We've crossed the disturbing threshold.

[Mountain]

For twenty bucks there shouldn't have been anything left for you to sample.

[The Afoci]

Originally posted by Mountain
For twenty bucks there shouldn't have been anything left for you to sample.

If only that were true. Hookers on the Mean Streets of Hawley have the value of players on Swedish market...you just overpay.

[Rich1033]

Wow, I skimmed over it and missed the ending the first time. But I had to go back to see what the disturbing part was you guys were talking about. Well lets just say it was worse than I expected...

Anyway, great job The Afoci. Very entertaining read.

[Marmel]

It not THAT salty.

[The Afoci]

he only said kinda salty

[The Afoci]

First off, The Fighting Crawfish would like to thank the following supporters:

blever66, Havok12, Eilim, QcFrogman, and McKerney! We have 5 supporters!!!!

One Liter of Everclear!

One Liter of Everclear into the bus ride, The Afoci decides he needs to give the team a heart felt speech to inspire them to bring the Crawfish to victory. As he stumbles to the front of the bus, the team looks to him for inspiration...

"See, what we have today" The Afoci starts to say "is the most important game in the history of The Fighting Crawfish. We need to win this game to stay in existance, so I don't need you slack ass piles of crap messing up my master plan to have Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws. Now if you ladies decide to play today and win, like you should, I will get us some strippers and some whores....[hiccup]....I lost my virginity to the hand of a whore..."

Narrator:

As he broke into tears, puking all over himself, eventually wetting his pants, the team burst into laughter...but what will happen to the Crawfish. Will the team lose? Will they go broke? Will we ever see Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws???? Check back tomorrow to see how it goes!!!

[robbgmaier]

How about Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws and goldurnears?

otherwise, they would be pretty wimpy

[Qwikshot]

God I hope this team survives...but if not, you should apply as the Mighty Phoenix Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws, they explode but rise up from the ashes...

[leverb66]

Why would the Afoci need to buy crawfish isn't Hawley near the middle of Minnesota's 10,000 lakes? Couldn't he just catch some crawfish at the lake? Most Minnesotans have a lake place ya know.

[The Afoci]

Hey, hey, hey, Good bye...

6409 spectators had come to Hanover Armadillos Arena this cloudy day. Armadillos started off with a 3-5-2 lineup. The following players had been chosen: Stephenson - Tackett, Stewart, Mims - Bañuelos, Cigala, Fournier, Strong, Locke - Seward, Davis.

Fighting started off with a 3-5-2 lineup. They fielded: Bossio - Gorostarzu, de Oliveira, Simic - Uddstad, Danielsson, Kline, Woodson, Mughal - Rannem , Darden.

Many thought Mark Davis ought to have been awarded a penalty shot in the 17:th minute, as he went down trying to circle the visitors keeper Manuel Bossio. Some noticed the refs fat wallet, as he didn't make the call. Fightings Norbert Darden got himself booked after kicking the opposing goalie in the sack. Seemingly due to lack of experience, Gustav Danielsson needlessly tripped an opponent just outside the penalty area, but the free kick that followed didn't succeed. Armadillos had a good opportunity to take the lead as Franklyn Seward came up the left side, but he struck the ball weakly and it went straight into the arms of Manuel Bossio. Armadillos took the lead in the 36:th minute of the game by 1 to 0, as Franklyn Seward elegantly received a pass going deep, finishing off with a half-volley shot just below the bar. In the 37:th minute Armadillos put themselves up 2 - 0. The visitors defenders lost the ball to Higinio Bañuelos coming up from the left, who proceeded to cooly round the goaltender and knock the ball home. Lars-Olof "Chris Gaines" Uddstad of Fighting received a yellow card in the 39:th minute for unsportsmanlike behaviour. Many were scared when he broke out in song and dance and began to strip. The teams went for a half-time break at 2 - 0. Armadillos held the ball, with a clear 58 percent possession rate.

Rob Fournier struck a 30 metre free kick home in the 69:th minute. 3 - 0 for the home team. A couple of quick and successful challenges, followed by a shot from just outside the penalty area after 85 minutes might have resulted in another goal for Armadillos. However, Manuel Bossio made a spectacular save. The away team reduced the score to 3 - 1, as Norbert Darden struck home, set up well by a play from the left in the 85:th minute. The fortyfive minutes were dominated by Armadillos, with an impressive 55 percent possession of the ball.

The most dominating Armadillos player was without a doubt Tyree Stewart. Benton Stephenson was a disappointment, however. Fighting´s best player was Manuel Bossio. Daniel Mughal on the other hand, had a terrible day. The match ends 3 - 1.

The Crawfish left the field, bored the bus and everyone went quiet. The Afoci and Number Two had left before the final whistle to get back to Fargo ND. The team was silent the whole ride home wondering what would happen. Who would feel the wrath of the angry, and I mean angry Crawfish? What could The Afoci possibly come up with to torture them?

[mckerney]

Originally posted by The Afoci
Who would feel the wrath of the angry, and I mean angry Crawfish? What could The Afoci possibly come up with to torture them?

One can only wait...

[The Afoci]

Donkeys????

As the squad pulled up to the New Fighting Crawfish Arena they were met by something they really didn't expect. 20 new supporters. What? After a horrible defeat to an inferior team, people were actually join the support group.

Little did the players know, that those who joined, were just left over human sheilds from Iraq and some people from PETA that heard that some Crawfish were going to be slaughtered. Either way, the 600 dollars was needed.

As the men approached the stadium, unsure what the day ahead meant for them, they started noticing some signs. One read: FOR SALE---KIDNEYS OF SOCCER PLAYERS, CHEAP! Others read: CRAWFISH BIKINI CARWASH: $5 TO GET YOUR CAR WASHED BY YOUR FAVORITE CRAWFISH IN A BIKINI! Needless to say, they were scared.

The Afoci and Number Two walked out of the secret hide out wearing pink bikinis and purple bandanas.

"Now" said The Afoci "What happened was a disgrace to Crawfish and was a major setback in Project Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws, but as my dad always said 'Never fight a donkey, Jackass'" The team looks at each other all confused. "Now I thought of numerous ways we could save money to recoup the lost income from the next Cup game you dinks so gracefully fucked up, but the sperm banks said that they won't accept us anymore, because of problems with the quality of the goods. Panhandling is rough now, because people have caught on that we only use it for booze. So we are down to selling your unessential organs such as kidneys, livers, hearts, lungs and portions your intestines. That and bikini car washes. Many of your are asking yourselves, what about being eaten by angry, and I mean angry Crawfish? Or maybe, what about being shot by early version of Laser Blasters? Frankly, we don't have the money to waste you bastards like that. I will save that for the league games. Now get to work!!!!"

The squad got in their bikinis and started washing cars, but one thing rang in their heads, "Don't fight a donkey, Jackass!" more to come later...

[NevStar]

No!!! Please don't make us see "You better guard your daughters or else they will be" Les "their" Cherry"s" in a bikini! The horror!

[Marmel]

Nice bandana, loser.

[leverb66]

Is that purple bandana also camo?

[The Afoci]

Originally posted by leverb66
Is that purple bandana also camo?

Yep, the maber borrowed it to me.

[The Afoci]

A Carwash and 1 less Kidney!

As the soap slide down the body of "You better guard your daughter or they will be" Les "their" Cherry"s", dance music poured out of Lars-Olof "Chris Gaines" Uddstad boom box. After getting his car washed, the man needed to get his interior cleaned after puking. Apparently the open sores on "You better guard your daughter or they will be" Les "their" Cherry"s" legs were less than desirable. After 6 hours of carwashing, and only one customer, they had a grand total of 5 dollars.

"Thats it" screams The Afoci "I didn't want to have to do this, but you slack ass can't do anything right and it is hurting Project Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws. Get me Daniel Mughal."

The guards grab him and bring him to the feet of The Afoci.

"You have been blessed" started The Afoci "with the honor of being the worst player on the field for the last 2 games you played. It is because you are overweight. I can fix that. Get me the Crawfish."

He is brought one shine Crawfish with sharpened claws and an angry and I mean angry look on its little Crawfish face.

"I was able to make about $9700 well making you a better player" said The Afoci "Your kidney was sold to a man making a special chili and he lacked the kidney beans. No longer will he. Which one do you want to lose?"

The question was a horrible one thought Daniel Mughal, but at least it wasn't choosing which nut to lose.

"What, you would prefer to lose a nut?" said The Afoci.

Daniel Mughal then realised he was thinking out loud..."Umm, I guess the left one, Sir!"

The Afoci then flips Daniel Mughal over onto his stomach and lifts his shirt and starts letting the Crawfish go to work. Within a bloody and I mean bloody one minute, the kidney is out. To clean it out they poured some alcohol on it, but after noticing it was everclear, The Afoci had to be restrained from drinking the fine liquid from the hole in his back. He holds the kidney above his head and turns and walks away with it.

The club doctors do what they can to comfort Daniel Mughal's pain, but song and dance just didn't seem to cheer him up. He had the kidney his whole life, and now it is gone. They tried telling him he could get another one, but it wouldn't be the same.

The money raised now meant that by the end of the week, the budget would only be -$469,000. With a home game and the scouts searching the youth squad for a keeper, maybe, just maybe the Crawfish can avoid bankruptcy and Project Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws will come to be!!!

[The Afoci]

The Afoci remained secuded in his secret hide out for a few days. Daniel "I have one Kidney" Mughal has recovered and is expected to play in this Sundays game against Rasta Mon. They are a division IV drop out and really suck bad. The Crawfish will Play it Cool. Even "You better guard your daughter or they will be" Les "their" Cherry"s" was allowed to travel with the team because Rasta Mon has no one worth his services.

Rumors are swirling about the teams finances. The Afoci and Number Two are expected to come out monday, and tell the team what has been decided. Many fear that a dismantling of the team may have to come soon. One sick bastard even thought that The Afoci would charge 10 dollars and ass whoopin and they could beat their favorite Crawfish. Not a bad idea, not bad at all...

So what will happen to the Crawfish? What will The Afoci decide to do? And the bigger question, Who will get a Crawfish stuck to their sack during this sundays game? Laughter is heard from the secret hide out and everyone knows what it means. The Afoci has a plan, and that makes everyone very, very scared...

[The Afoci]

Rasta Mon...

First off, the crowd was very disappointing, we had 637 supporters that were in decent spirit. Now we have 651 that are high off life...yeah keep telling them it is life...

Fairly good weather for football had drawn a crowd of 6963 to Fighting Crawfish Arena. Fighting started off with a 3-5-2 lineup. The following players had been chosen: Bossio - Gorostarzu, de Oliveira, Simic - Rossi, Danielsson, Kline, Woodson, Mughal - Rannem , Darden.

Rasta had chosen a strategic 4-4-2 formation. The following players had been chosen: Womack - Mcleod, Penn, Montalvo, Law - Thomas, Jolly, Wang, Masters - Sheng-Han, Beasley.

Fighting made a bid to take the lead as a ball coming in from the right hand side left Dan Woodson completely alone with keeper Mark Womack, who made a spectacular block. Fightings Mikey Kline got himself booked after a foul. Due to a severely attached Crawfish to his sack, Jarrod Penn spent some on the grass writhing in agony before he could get up and continue the game. Many thought Norbert Darden ought to have been awarded a penalty shot in the 28:th minute, as he went down trying to circle the visitors keeper Mark Womack. Many thought João Fernando de Oliveira ought to have been awarded a penalty shot in the 38:th minute, as he went down trying to circle the visitors keeper Mark Womack. The ref was then encourage to make a call by placing a Crawfish on his sack! One of many good passes from Daniel "I only have one kidney" Mughal at the wing was recieved and skillfully taken care of by Christian Rossi, scoring for Fighting to 1 - 0. Fighting made a substitution in the 43rd minute. José Javier Gorostarzu limped off the field and was replaced by "You better guard your daughters or they will be" Les "their" Cherry"s". The teams went for a half-time break at 1 - 0. Fighting held the ball, with a clear 75 percent possession rate.

A speedy charge from the left side of the field put Fighting lead up with 2 - 0. Ivar "Why can't my name be Ivan" Rannem finished that one off competently, firing from an acute angle. By now Fighting were drawing the troops back in order to defend their lead. Ivar "Why can't my name be Ivan" Rannem almost managed to score another goal for Fighting, but his header was tipped to a corner by the visitors goalie. The referee showed Rastas Wade Masters the yellow card after a particularly nasty challenge. Christian Rossi of Fighting received a yellow card in the 60:th minute for unsportsmanlike behaviour for tempting a dog with peanut butter. In the game's 73rd minute Fighting´s Daniel "I only have one kidney" Mughal limped slightly after a late challenge, but he was able to continue after seeing a manager give him the slit the throat motion when he started walking towards the sidelines. Seemingly due to a Crawfish attached to his sack, Jarrod Penn needlessly tripped an opponent just outside the penalty area, but the free kick that followed didn't succeed. Rastas Rex Thomas got himself booked after a foul. The player down was Daniel "I only have one kidney" Mughal. The Fighting bench looked worried a while but in the end he managed to get up. The fortyfive minutes were dominated by Fighting, with an impressive 81 percent possession of the ball.

The most dominating Fighting player was without a doubt Manuel "the" Bossio. Daniel "I only have one kidney" Mughal on the other hand, had a terrible day, only to be expected with one kidney. Most important Rasta player was Wade Masters. Ben Jolly was a disappointment, however. The match ends 2 - 0.


Not bad considering we PIC. The income was 37k and that will not be nearly enough to cover the debt. The team loaded the bus and begun the long journey back to Fargo, ND they all wondered what the plan was The Afoci had thought up to save the Fighting Crawfish and to save his dream, his goal of Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws!

[Qwikshot]

I had to go up against a team with a guy named Hung Jackson...perhaps I should have had a crawfish to attach to his sack...

[The Afoci]

Let the Purge Begin!

After attempts to reduce debt through organ sales, carwashes and pleas to the GMs, the Fighting Crawfish are no better off then the were last week. In fact, it is worse, much worse. The budget is expected to go below 500k by next week and in fact is set at 531k in the red. Many of the staff have been fed to the Crawfish already, including 1 goaltending coach, 4 assistant coaches, 1 sports psychologists, 4 physiotherapists and 1 doctor. That cuts in half the staff and should help in staff wages in the coming weeks.

As the bus pulls up to the stadium, The Afoci meets them. He introduces the news member of the team, a youth pull goalie named Albert Lopez, 18.

As the squad walks towards him, The Afoci says "This is the man who saved the Crawfish. With his skills he will fetch us well over 300k and hopefully more."

Confused, Albert Lopez looks to him and says "This is soccer, right?"

"Yeah?" says The Afoci.

"Damn" says Albert Lopez "I don't know how to play that..."

The music starts playing and he is taken away by guards. The screams were heard moments later as he was fed into the paper shredder that was being used to destroy documents that the IRS wanted. Tough to read them with human remains on them. The Afoci laughs as he screams.

"Manuel "The" Bossio, Ellis Malcom "in the middle", and Matt Scroggins" says The Afoci "I hate to inform you, but you all have been placed on the transfer list. Many more will come after the friendly game. It has been nice to see you all underacheive and become worse than I ever imagined possible. May you all suffer horrible, horrible deaths that are painful and sexually related."

Narrator

The plan is to drop the roster to around 14 or 15 players, drop staff to nearly nothing and hold out for a youth pull. The next two league games should be easy victories if we can keep most of the starters together, but the 3rd is against the leagues top squad. Daniel "I have one kidney" Mughal and José Javier Gorostarzu will be sold after they recover from injury. Hopefully the training update will supply The Crawfish with at least one if not two solid playmakers.

Manuel "The" Bossio was listed at 150k and is severly overpriced, but I am hoping a noob will take a chance on a 19 year old passable like I did when I was younger. The others are each at 1k. Bid early and often and save The Crawfish!

The story continues tomorrow...

[The Afoci]

All is quiet at the secret hide out. Laughter can be heard every so often from it. Screaming can be heard every so often from it. A friendly game tonight is expected to be the first time anyone besides Number Two has seen The Afoci since Monday.

One lone man approached the secret hide out and dropped off what appeared to be a pizza, porn mags, peanut butter, a blow up doll of a midget, and a box that said Top Secret: Laser Blasters fitted for your average Crawfish. Who knows what the future will bring. Will the Crawfish go under? Will they be able to overcome huge debt? Does Chavez "the dope finding" Dog still like peanut butter? Who is the blow up doll of a midget for? But most importantly, what was in the box with Top Secret: Laser Blasters fitted for your average Crawfish?

[The Afoci]

This use to be my playground...

As Lars-Olof "Chris Gaines" Uddstad tearfully held his boom box above his head, Manuel "the" Bossio and Ellis Malcolm "in the middle" walked towards the bus that would take them to their new teams.

"This use to be my playground" sang Ellis Malcom "in the middle" "This use to be my childhood dream...."

The team embraced the 2 men that have left so far and prepared for more bad news as 4 new players were added to the list. Rafael Maria Meldi, Daniel "I only have one kidney" Mughal, Alastair MacFeat, and Jonas Westerhall are all now listed and are being sold as is. The Fighting Crawfish refuse to promise that the player will have skills, a positive attitude or all their internal organs. Bid at your own risk.

The Afoci and Number Two emerge from the secret hide out and approach the two. The Afoci pats Manuel "the" Bossio on the back and wishes him luck with his new squad. As Manuel "the" Bossio turns and walks away, a sign reading "Kick me in the sack, I love it!" is clearly visible. A perfect way to leave the team. As the bus pulls away a scream can be heard for Manuel "the" Bossio "AAAHHHH, why and the hell would you kick me in the sack you sick bastard...AAHHH...I think your shoe tore my sack open, yep The Little Bossio is bleeding..."

The Afoci sighs and returns to his secret hide out. Number Two stays with the team for the practice as he is now the starting goalie. The squad is working on playmaking today and practice should be interesting to say the least...

[The Afoci]

Hey baby, whatcha doing...

After the 2-1 victory in the friendly, 14 more people joined the Crawfish Crazies to bring the church up to a massive 665 members who are now high on X...I mean life, the X would have nothing to do with them expanding due to breeding more than rabbits. The investigation said everything was normal so drop it already....

The men were on the field warming up when a bus pulled up to the field. It had the Texas Longhorns symbol up and down the sides of the bus. Coach addresses the team.

"Boys" he starts "We need to work on our playmaking and we have a special guest speaker today. He is known worldwide for being one of the best at playmaking. He is the man known for being just enough cocky and just enough funny to be the total package." The men start to squirm in anticipation. "May I welcome, the one, the only, Hornsmaniac_2(name was changed as not to offend the real person the character is based after). Cheers fill the practice field as the door to the bus opens. Lars-Olof "Chris Gaines" Uddstad holds the boom box above his head and hits play...

"She's my Cherry Pie, cool drink of water, such a sweet suprise, tastes so good, bring a tear to your eye, sweet cherry pie, oh yeah..."

As he walks off the bus, playing air guitar, his mullet blows in the wind. His zubaz were the finest mix of hot pink and purple. His eyes covered in the coolest aviator sunglasses ever made. He struts out in front of the team and points to Lars-Olof "Chris Gaines" Uddstad . He hits stop and sets the boom box down.

"Alright boys" says Hornsmaniac_2 "I have been brought here to teach you guys how to become better playmakers. Now it is very important that you all are the perfect mix of cool and cocky. Now this isn't easy, too much cocky or too much cool and everything goes horribly wrong..."

After an hour long speech...

"And now" he continues "Give it a try boys!" And with that, off the bus comes the Texas Longhorn cheerleaders!

"How you doing, baby" starts Gustav Danielsson "I play soccer for a living, but I am more interested in how you play with balls then how I do!"

"Oh, Gustav Danielsson" says HerRealName_2 "You are so cocky, yet so cool. Take me you stud muffin!"

A teary Hornsmaniac_2 has realized that Gustav Danielsson is now a solid playmaker. He also sees that José Javier Gorostarzu is now only inadequate.

As Hornsmaniac_2 boards the "Bus of Love" as he calls it, the team gives him a standing ovation. He then rips of one of his gold chains that say "Horns_2", which is visible as his shirt is only buttoned half way up, revealing his hairy, manly chest, and throws it to Gustav Danielsson. He puts it around his neck and instantly feels the power of coolness and cockiness that is Hornsmaniac_2....

[Qwikshot]

This has become a classic.

[Mountain]

That is hysterical

[FrogMan]

I agree guys, and you know what? With the sale of "The" Bossio, the Crawfish looks to be in a better financial shape. They might survive after all... LONG LIVE THE CRAWFISH!!!

FrogMan
PS: I just can't get enough of those Warrant song lyrics

[moriarty]

Hornsmaniac_2(name was changed as not to offend the real person the character is based after).

Now who could this guy be possibly based on?

Wish you all could have seen the visual image I created while reading this. Classic stuff (and thank god, no mention of peanut butter or other salty items).

[Marmel]

Best post ever on the FOFC board. I still cannot stop laughing.

[daedalus]

Heh.

Writing much good. Scary at time. But much good.

[The Afoci]

Originally posted by Marmel
Best post ever on the FOFC board. I still cannot stop laughing.

Wow, that is quite an honor. Really, all the credit goes out to one guy. He is the true inspiration of the post. Without him, this post wouldn't have been possible. [breaks down into tears]...Without him...I wouldn't be the cocky cool guy I am... Thank you Jesus!

[The Afoci]

Sorry I haven't been able to update this in a few days, my work schedule has gotten crazy and my bosses decide that me spending most of my time on the internet wasn't benificial to my work day.... the things managers will come up with